Is My Marriage Over?

Question: Dear Luise: I would like to know how to tell for sure when a marriage is hopeless. I sometimes am sure mine is past redemption and at other times, I think maybe things will work out. I can’t take any action because I’m not sure what to do. How can I tell if my marriage is over? Luella

Answer: Dear Luella: It sounds like you are going to need some counseling. Fence sitting can get pretty old.

Is your husband willing to work with a professional to sort this out? That’s the best way to go, of course. If that won’t work and you have to see someone alone, then do it.

Everyone has different expectations about what marriage has to offer and what it will take to make it work. It’s time for you to review yours and, if possible, see what’s going on with your mate. What were you looking for separately and together when you started out? How far are you off the mark now? Are both of you unhappy or is it OK for one of you and not OK for the other?

Talking with others usually doesn’t help much because it’s your marriage, your guy, your future and your hopes and dreams. They’re custom tailored.

You indicate that you have times when you think you will weather the storm. That’s encouraging. I often hear from people who have no doubt at all, not for a moment, that’s it’s over and has been for ages…as in dead. Can you build on those times that work for you? What’s going on when all is well? What happens when it falls apart? Is there anything you can do to strengthen your bond? How hard does your husband want to work on it?

I honestly don’t think there are any perfect marriages. That would require two perfect people. Give me a break! So, you are going to have some disappointments and troubled times. They come with the territory. Only you know if you are mature and giving, and have tried your hardest. And only you know if that’s simply not enough. When you work with a counselor, the decision won’t be made for you. It’s still going to have to be your call. Blessings, Luise

40 Responses to Is My Marriage Over?

  1. Mary Dover May 26, 2006 at 3:32 am #

    I am 33 been married for 11 years and my husband last year started becoming very jealous and controlling. I can’t talk to male are female without him getting jealous and very hurtful with his mouth. The bad thing about it is he says all theses things in front of our 4 childern. He accuses me of screwing around and the list goes on he goes through spells like this. Then stops for 2 days and starts right back in he says he loves me. I’ve told him that’s not love that’s jealousy, controlling, and anger. I know what I have to do and that’s to get away and get my kids away from him. He hasn’t allowed me to work all these years you know. So what do you think?

  2. Luise May 29, 2006 at 10:13 pm #

    I agree with you that what you and your children are experiencing is abuse…and that you can’t continue to live that way without serious damage to all concerned. The only question I have is about the first ten years. If it was normal, could he be facing a serious medical problem or a psychiatric breakdown of some kind? I think I would tell him that you can’t and won’t continue unless he is willing to undergo medical and psychiatic tests followed by treatment, if indicated. If so, you will see him through it, in the hopes it can be resovlded.

  3. Bibi July 4, 2006 at 9:39 am #

    Dear Luise,

    I’m 32 years old and have been married for 11 years. My husband recently announced he had been having an affair. He has been honest since in telling me as t why he did it and the confusion he is going through. At first I was in a shock since he had never done anything like this before and I can understand some of the reasons as to why he did it. We have some what forgotten to take care of each other. He has eventold me he thought I did not care, that I did not love him. He has advised me that he has strong feelings for this other person and is affraid and confused about what to do. he does not want to loose me and our kids, 6 months girl and 9 year old boy. But at the same time he has these feelings. He says she has been giving him what he could not get from me. We have had conversations about the affair nad have had very hard moments. He does not want to seek any professional help, so I’ve been reading from different websites and suggestions that some experts offer. I just want to know, when this happens and there is still love, how many make it? From my part I’ve been lisening and making adjustments to the way I approch him, making more time for him. My confusion is with his behavior. He still treats my like his wife and has been having intercourse with me and has been looking for me. But in the mean time he still says his confused and still mentions having feeling for this person. He even has a picture of her in his wallet.

  4. mary dover July 13, 2006 at 2:03 pm #

    i’ve done that all ready,but he tells me that i’m the one with a head problem not him.he seems to think his brother and friends are all trying to get in my pants.we can’t go any where with out him going off on some one because of the way they look at me.i’ve told him this has to stop.but ya.i did have a affair because i was allways being acused of it so i did no i don’t regreat it.because i was attracted to this guy.but now i can’t stop thinking about this guy.every thing was relaxed with him where my husband it’s walking on pins and bitching,yelling all the time.freedom i’ve lost it and trying to find it,because i’m a happy person and don’t like fighting are yelling plus i don’t want are kids thinking thats it’s allright.you know.i can’t even go any where with out him being under my ass.where is my kids and my life without missery?thank you mary dover

  5. Luise July 19, 2006 at 11:20 am #

    Answer: Dear Bibi: What’s so terribly hard about such a situation is that it’s about him, not you. And he’s the one who has to slog his way through it.I commend you for your patience. Each person who does this probably does it for a different reason. There is newness and infatuation, and that’s a strong pull. There’s the freedom of not having all of the baggage that fulltime life-sharing produces…like illness, bills, family issues, etc. There’s the “I haven’t lost it” syndrome that is confirmed by all of the excitement evidenced in the partner. Marriage takes maturity and work…affairs are fun, (at least at first.) You are doing the one thing that may help, but “may” is the opertive word…you are being supportive, caring and patient. Both of you sound like you are being honest and open. Time will tell. That’s the best of can offer. Blessings, Luise

  6. Luise July 19, 2006 at 11:28 am #

    Answer: Dear Mary: With what you have written most recently, there seems to be no reason to stay or to try. No one is getting anything from the situation, in fact everyone is being hurt by it. You owe it to yourself and your kids to move on and rebuild your confidence and mental health. Cetainly having an affair just added fuel to the fire. To stay will make all of it eventually seem “normal”, and living in constant abuse is not living at all. Don’t get used to it, leave. There may be happiness ahead for both of you but not together. My take on this is that it’s too late. Blessings, Luise

  7. Luise December 1, 2006 at 11:38 pm #

    Answer: Dear Nickie: I will respond by using your comment as a question. Blessings, Luise

  8. Dee December 4, 2006 at 2:21 pm #

    Dear Luise, I’m 35 years old with 2 kids. My husband and I have been married for 2 years. I am the third marriage. My husband is a very jealous man. If I say I am going out with the girls, he would say I am going to meet a man. When I am at work, he says men come by to see me and call me on my job. When we were married for 6 months, I discovered him cheating. I just recently discovered he’s been conversing with someone else. He is always accusing me of doing something I’m not. Yes, he takes good care of me and the kids, but for some reason it’s not enough. We went to a club, well, I went along, and he came with his friend. When he came into the club, he did not acknowledge the fact that I was there. My friends were dancing, sitting with there boyfriends/husbands and I was just sitting in the mist of everything. My husband went and asked his cousin to dance, but never asked me. He didn’t even offer to buy me a drink. The owner of the club asked me to dance, and when I said yes, my husband then acknowledge my presence. Things got out of hand and so I left. My husband seem to think that I should have turned the man down, but I think I did not do anything wrong. It was a fast dance. I did not dance, but instead returned to my seat. I find myself wanting to cheat, but I do not. I find myself very unhappy with him. I hate when he touches me or wants sex. I am ready to move on. Please help!

  9. Luise December 4, 2006 at 4:09 pm #

    Answer: Dear Dee: It’s my guess that you can do a lot better than that. What your husband is doing is suspecting you of being like he is, which isn’t very nice. One thing you can count on, he isn’t going to change. If you want more out of life, move on. Blessings, Luise

  10. Angela December 7, 2006 at 5:29 pm #

    Hi there, My husband and I have been married for 3.5 years. We have a 2 month old. Since having my son, Alot of the issues i had been pushing down for so long with my husband are surfacing. We are complete opposites and argue about practically everything. I find my self feeling resentful towards him for not being the husband i think he should. I know thats not fair but i cant help it. He doesnt thinking talking about it with a stranger will do any good, So i am taking steps to seek personal therapy. Is there anything else i can do to avoid divorce?
    Angela~

  11. Luise December 8, 2006 at 9:15 am #

    Answer: Dear Angela: I am going to treat your comment as a separate question within the next couple of days.
    Blessings, Luise

  12. Nicole January 2, 2007 at 7:37 am #

    H, My name is Nicole and I been marriage for 8 years. I want to know if my marriage is over we fight a lot. We don’t have anything in common.

  13. Luise January 3, 2007 at 7:57 pm #

    Answer: Dear Nicole: It’s a very hard thing to face up to when you have obviously picked the wrong person. He may be just great for someone else but the two of you just don’t have it. Life is too short to “give yourself away” like this. You already know that, don’t you? You can stay and be miserable or cut your losses and move on…all the wiser, hopefully. It’s your choice. I’ve been there and done that and I didn’t stay. Blessings, Luise

  14. Jay April 10, 2007 at 8:04 am #

    I’ve been reading your site and I know not many men post here but I feel i need some input and your words seem to be true. My wife and I have been married for almost 3 years now we have a 1 year old daughter. a year into the marriage my wife had a work stress induced mental break down and quit her job subsequently she developed an unhealthy hatred for my mother with whom i have a strong bond. she is constantly jealous of my relationship with my mother and feels inadiquate. On top of all of this our financial situation was such that we needed two incomes to survive but she refused to get a job after she leveled off from her breakdown and I was forced to go into bankruptcy to salvage our family and still be able to put food on the table and buy diapers for the baby and formula. I love my wife, and yes we had a rough time when our daughter was born she had a brush with death and it was touch and go the first week of her life but now she’s healthy and happy 1 year old girl and I know that that had an affect on my wife that I will never understand. Now we live in seperate locations she didn’t want to relocate with me when my job moved and now she and my daughter live 100 miles away with her grandmother and I live alone in the city. She and I both talked things over and agreed that she should live with her grandmother untill she was capable of dealing with things better but recently she has gotten worse and when I come to visit we fight a lot and she threatens suicide to get my attention but Im not ignoring her…I dont understand what I need to do to make this work or if I need to let her go so she can rebuild her life on her own? everytime i try to help we just argue. I mean she knew that my parents are an important part of my life and that my family means a lot to me. So what do I do? she has mentioned couples counseling and I agreed to go but she has yet to arrange it.

  15. Luise April 22, 2007 at 7:13 am #

    Answer: Dear Jay: I am going to treat your comment as a new question. Blessings, Luise

  16. Leigh August 28, 2007 at 12:14 pm #

    Luise –
    I’ve been married almost 17 years to my high school sweetheart. In that time, I have lost a great deal of weight, began and completed a college education, and secured a good job with a great deal of responsibility. I feel I’ve grown (come into my own) and I feel the best about myself I ever have. I feel it’s especially important to be a good role model to my 2 daughters. The trouble is, he hasn’t grown and he views my growth as being ‘money hungry’ and me ‘thinking I’m better than everyone’. He does little to contribute to the household financially (he spends his money on fun stuff); he is gone a great deal; and he isn’t what I consider ‘father material’ to our two children. He seems to aruge with our teenage about everything and seems jealous of her – like he’s competing with her for my attention. She even requests to spend time with him but he doesn’t. The very things that attracted me to him in the beginning (he was fun, flirty, always had fun, and didn’t care what people thought of him) are the very things that are driving me crazy now. He is completely irresponsible with money, he doesn’t pick up after himself, he takes no pride in our home. If any home improvements get done, it’s because I either do them myself or convince him to help once I start. He does no planning for the future and always says ‘things will work out’. The last straw was two years ago when he took out a loan to buy a snowmobile with no prior discussion. In fact, I didn’t know he bought it until he brought it home – although his friends knew and had gone to see it with him. He told me he should have said something, but he knew I’d say no. This was a slap in the face and I began to see him through new eyes. I have talked, calmly, to him about all these things, but nothing is ever resolved. In fact, his usual response to all my questions is ‘I don’t know.’ Typically, by the end of the conversation, he falls into a pity party: ‘I’m no good, I’m a bad husband, I’m a bad father, I’ve ruined everything, It’s all my fault’. I used to comfort him at that point, but I quit. He’s like a bottomless pit of no self esteem. I don’t want to hurt him, he’s a good guy, he just doesn’t seem to get it. He’s not meeting my needs, he dosn’t seem to care about my feelings, he does things he knows are going to upset me, and his double standards, with flirting with others for example, is driving me crazy. We still have a good time when it’s time to party, but anything serious (finances, parentings, future, etc.) seems to be a lost cause. I’ve all but given up – I need a break – I’m tired. I’ve always joked about being a single mother with 3 kids, but now I truly feel that way. I don’t want another man but if that changes someday – I want a partner. I started going to counseling by myself because he wouldn’t go. Then he said he’d go with me, because I have the issues (he won’t go alone because he doesn’t have any), if I set the appointments and pay for them. Please say something wise to help me…

  17. Luise August 28, 2007 at 3:17 pm #

    Answer: Dear Leigh; We marry, most of us, when we’re young and there’s never any guarantee that we will grow at the same pace, in the same direction or at all. Two kids having fun and deciding to get married may not look at all like that a decade or two later. What you do about it is up to you. It’s clear that your guy is committed to not growing up. Isn’t it pretty handy to be able to explain it with low self-esteem? Some spouses pick up and leave and some endure. Only you can decide which catagory you belong to. Neither course is easy. I chose to leave when I faced unbearable, (to me), incompatibility after 18 years. There have been times when I wish I hadn’t but I know I would make the same choice again. I feel that my life matters. That I matter. And that I am responsible to give it my best shot. In my book, how that looks is not sacraficing it on the alter of another person’s incompetency. Blessings, Luise

  18. Liz September 18, 2007 at 9:01 am #

    Luise,
    Hi, I’ve been married to my husband for 13 years and we had a bad start. We lived together for a year before we got married and while we were living together he cheated on me. Like a fool I married him anyway. I still have resentment over what he did.
    We have 2 children together. He’s hard working and always home when not at work.
    The problem is that I feel I have almost no sex life with him. I don’t feel loved and I feel he ignores me. he also doesn’t do any repairs on the house unless I really get on his case. he spends all his free time playing computer games and I feel so lonely with him. I’m starting to question if I even love him anymore.
    I’ve felt lonely with him throughout most the marriage. When I try to talk to him it’s like talking to a brrick wall. We fight if I bring anything up. I’ve also been very attracted to other men during our marriage, I haven’t had an affair but am considering one because I’m so unfullfilled. I have told him how unhappy I am and why but it falls upon deaf ears. IO’ve mentioned counsiling but he says we can’t afford it. He’s oblivious to all our problems and prefers to ignore serious issues. I feel like I’m beating my head against the wall to be heard and understood.
    Should I just leave him?

    Liz

  19. Luise September 24, 2007 at 8:39 am #

    Answer: Dear Liz: It is so hard to wake up and realize you are in a dead-end relationship. Or maybe, it came on gradually. Your husband is being the kind of husband and father he learned to be from role models of old. He doesn’t want to hear about your needs or doubts, it’s not part of the bargain, to his way of thinking. What you do about it is up to you. Some stay…some go…and some cheat. If you look back, very carefully, he probably never led you to believe he was any different than he is. You probably just assumed he would mature, mellow and deepen. It’s not going to happen. You can’t ask for what he’s not interested in and probably can’t even understand, much less give to you. And yet you have rights and needs. You have a life. What you do about all of that depends on your own upbringing and ethics. A lot of abused women would give anything to have your guy, yet neglect is also a subtel kind of abuse. I would suggest you budget counseling for yourself. You need an advocate and someone who will listen and advise. Blessings, Luise

  20. Tiff February 14, 2008 at 2:38 pm #

    Luise — My husband and I have been married for 5 years. I feel that he can be verbally abusive, and manipulative. He comes home from work unhappy a lot of the time, and when I question him about it he says it’s because the house isn’t clean enough, or he’s really hungry and I didn’t have dinner ready on time. I feel like I’ve been taking the blame for anything that goes wrong in his life ever since we got married.

    When he jokes around about things that I think are offensive, or that hurt my feelings, he tells me “that [I] need to get a sense of humor”, “it was just a joke, don’t be so sensitive”, or my favorite “oh, grow up”. These sorts of things have been going on since our honeymoon. I don’t feel like we ever really had a ‘honeymoon’ period. I feel like the glass slowly started to shatter the day after we were married. But I’d always heard that marriage was hard and that it was something that you had to work at, and compromise for. So I’ve stayed for 5 long years, and eventually built up a pretty thick skin.

    We conceived our first daughter under mixed circumstances . . . what I mean is, I really wanted to have a baby; he says that I manipulated him into agreeing to get off the pill. Then once I was pregnant, he said that he had never agreed to it, and that this was completely my fault for ruining our lives, and that this was my choice and now he was paying the consequences of it.

    Needless to say, he didn’t treat me well during that pregnancy. I gained 50lbs, and received an almost constant stream of remarks (especially in the 8th and 9th months) about how fat I was; and how I complained too much. He has loved his daughter since the day that she was born, and has been nothing but loving towards her. I convinced myself that there was nothing wrong with his behavior, because I was fatter than I had ever been in my life, and did complain more than usual. He is a great dad, and I just hoped that someday he would love me like he loves our precious little girl.

    When our first daughter was 16 months old, I found out that I was pregnant again. This time was a complete surprise. I’d been on the pill, and taking it faithfully everyday. My husband again, blamed me for getting myself pregnant. He said things like “you stopped taking your pills and didn’t tell me!”, “I don’t know why I trusted you after you tricked me the first time!” and “Well, I’ll only love this baby if it’s a boy.”

    Finding out that I was unexpectedly pregnant, and really didn’t want to be was really hard on me. I was depressed, crying almost every day for at least an hour, and then feeling bad about crying because your supposed to be happy when you get pregnant, overjoyed. My depression lasted through the first 5 months. Then somehow I managed to pull myself together by convincing myself that I would love this baby no matter what, and everything would work out in the end.

    Our second baby girl was born, and despite what my husband said, he loved her just as much as the first. My depression hit again, and was complicated by the fact that she was a colicky baby, crying for 4 hour stretches 3-4 times a week. As luck would have it, her crying spells usually occurred in the late morning to early afternoon. By the time my husband came home from work she was a happy, although very sleepy baby. I received no emotional support from him. He was completely unaware of my situation. When I did finally voice my unhappiness, concern, and inner pain, he said that I was exaggerating, and really just needed to get over it.

    About 9 months ago, (when our second daughter was 7 months old) he told me that he was falling in love with another girl; some one that he worked with. And we both realized that we had some major issues to work on. I was just barely getting over my depression, and it took all my strength and control not to fall into that horrible black pit again. We made lists, set goals, and would really try for a week or so, then inevitably we would fall back into our old habits.

    He introduced me to the girl that he was trying not to fall in love with, and I really believed that if I got to know her, and he could see her in a setting as just a friend, and friends with me, that it would be easier for him to deal with. That was my mistake. And he reinforced that every chance he got. “See, she’s your friend too now, nothing will ever happen. She’s safe now.”

    I learned 3 months after his initial confession that he had actually kissed her. And when I pushed him for details, he admitted that he had kissed her extensively and had let her spend the night at our house while I was out of town. But he swore that he hadn’t slept with her, so that really didn’t count as him cheating on me. I didn’t know what to do. He had put me in a really awkward situation. I had really started to become friends with this girl, and I liked hanging out with her. He swore that he was over her, and really didn’t like her as more than a friend, and manipulated me into thinking that he could be trusted with her. “See, we’ve just been friends for 3 months now, nothing has happened since that kiss. It’s fine, you can trust me with her. I’m over it.” He was committed to me, and working out our issues.

    Then, just last month, 8 months after he told me he loved her, when I thought things were going really well, it happened again. Only this time he didn’t just stop with a kiss. He slept with her. And once it had happened once, he didn’t see the harm, and did it again and again. He finally confessed to me, a month after his affair began (though I really believe he’d been involved with her for the last 9 months, he just considers an affair to only start once he has slept with someone else).

    Even as he was telling me that he was so sorry, and would do anything I asked, he had the audacity to say that this was partly my fault because I let him manipulate me into thinking that he could be trusted with this girl. It was my fault because I wasn’t fulfilling him enough. It was my fault because I didn’t see the warning signs in him, and believed him when he said that he had to be to work early, or come home late. It’s my fault my husband had an affair? I almost believed it. That’s when my rose colored glasses came off, and I really recognized the abuse that has been happening in our marriage for the last 5 years.

    So now, I am torn. I know everything that he did was wrong. I realize more each day that he has never treated me well. But he is finally admitting that he needs to change, and to treat me better. He’s finally willing to take the responsibility and own up to the man he is, but I’m feeling like it’s too little, too late. I’m afraid if I stay I’ll get hurt again. He’ll do just enough to make me believe that he can be trusted, and then he’ll betray me again. But I don’t want to break our family. Even as he is trying to change, he’s got me believing that I am the one who is breaking our family. I am scared to leave, and try to be a single mom, but I am also scared to stay. Scared of what I’ll be manipulated into thinking next. Help!

  21. Luise February 14, 2008 at 4:04 pm #

    Answer: Dear T.: I wouldn’t want him but that’s just me. If you can face having a full-grown baby to deal with on a regular basis, then stay. If not, being a single mom may be the better deal. Lots of peole don’t agree with me but I think it’s up to you…how your life turns out. Blessings, Luise

  22. Rachel March 28, 2008 at 6:56 pm #

    Dear T. Please, please run as fast as you can away from this man. You cant let your daughters grow up thinking this is how marriage is. That man is selfish, and extremly self centered. The situation that you discribe could be me and my first marriage. Almost to a T. Except I stayed for 18 years. And yes my ex “blamed” me for breaking up our family. But my girls blame me for not leaving sooner. He had numerious affairs including one just like you describe except I didnt know they were sleeping together. He blamed me for them. I wasnt there for him, I allowed him too much freedom, I wasnt like the porn stars bla bla bla. He was emotionally abusive to me and the girls and physically abusive at the end. Please, Please get yourself out of there now and dont look back!

  23. Luise March 28, 2008 at 7:01 pm #

    Well put, R.! Blessings, Luise

  24. D. May 25, 2009 at 10:32 am #

    Dear Luise: I know most postings seem to be about women but I am a man going through an abusive relationship and about to say its over. I just don’t know quite how to state it. My wife and I met online and e-dated for almost one year. We later decided to see each other. She visited my country and lived with me for 2weeks and we thought everything was good. Married and moved around a lot. We went to England for our honeymoon and later to China, living there for 2 years and working. We later came to Canada. During these years everything seemed great. Then she stopped hanging out with our friends because she doesn’t want to meet new people or socialize. She told me she took birth control drugs long before we met and so she doesn’t know how she could be pregnant. She didn’t want to have a baby with her ex. I want baby and she doesn’t seem to be cool with the idea. Lots of differences such as our ages…she is 38 and I am 31. Things have changed so much between us and she admitted to being too-pushy and I have my own faults. She asked me to move out of the house and she wanted a divorce early this year. I discarded it as being unrealistic as we just moved to Canada and we wanted to get settled. She said it again and this time I took it seriously. She has a job now and I don’t. We spent almost all our money moving and buying a car and getting an expensive apartment. Now, with almost nothing, I realized we have to be separated because we can’t stand each other any more. Our marriage lasted a little over 3 years. I am afraid to be alone and the fear of personal failure is killing me. We talked last night and all she wanted was for me to give her the verdict. I cannot be what she now looks for in a man. Obviously, I want kids but she values dogs more. I don’t know how to approach these issues. I don’t even know why I am typing this story. I am CONFUSED. This is my first marriage; actually my first relationship. I never had any relationships or girlfriends prior to meeting her. Now, I feel like a too-nice guy with no experience. She says I am immature for 31, selfish and all that. She doesn’t believe in me. But I started my own company and was successful before we met and I sold all in order to travel the world with her. I have nothing now. Well.. i just got an email from a company that they will employ me with a starting salary of $43,000. I am new to Canada, and don’t know anyone. This has been a traumatizing experience for me. Well I guess I need to stop now, as I don’t know what else to say. Thanks for reading this. Maybe I will be homeless tonight…LOL! D.

    • Luise May 25, 2009 at 8:09 pm #

      Answer: Dear D.: Good for you for taking the time to write. You probably typed your story because you wanted to be heard. Of course you’re confused…what a mess!

      E-romances can be pretty unrealistic. You build a “you” that doesn’t really exist without knowing that’s what you are doing, and so does the other person. (You are a whole lot more than your thoughts.) Then you think you know each other really well after a year. Not so, as you have found out.

      Not having any girlfriends or relationships until your late 20s could leave you pretty naive. That’s OK, you just have a lot of catching up to do. Globe-trotting is great but it’s not “life” for most of us. Life is “same ole/same ole”…you know, partner, job, house and kids. Stuff like that.

      You learned a lot the first time around and you are still young enough to find a lady of substance and do well in a second career. Sure it’s scary out there and sure it feels terrible to fail…but you didn’t do it all by yourself…not by a long shot. Blessings, Luise

  25. J. October 20, 2009 at 6:41 pm #

    My husband and i have hit rock bottom in our relationship after being together for 7 years and married 3. We have been through alot of up in downs, for example i have trust issues with him because we have spent most of our relationship battle his porn addiction. He also spend a lot of time in his garage by himself and not enough time with me and our 2 year old son. Do you think that there is any chance for us to bounce back after going through this for so many years? and if so do you have any advice. Thanks. B.

    • Luise October 22, 2009 at 4:14 pm #

      I don’t think you can bounce back to someplace you have never been. You married a guy who has other interests, (some healthy and some not so healthy), that he would rather pursue. If you want something more, the odds are you aren’t going to find it with him. Blessings, Luise

  26. Luise November 22, 2009 at 7:45 am #

    Answer:Dear T. I read your comment and your request to not publish it. I don’t do the email thing because of the volume that would immediately develop. Blessings, Luise

  27. A. August 31, 2011 at 9:02 am #

    Dear Luise:
    I am 33 years old and married to my husband for almost 5 years. No one likes my husband they all feel he is very controling and verbally abbusive. I never sawit that way until a few months ago. I made a mistake in our bank account and instead of telling him the truth I covered it up. (because I was afraid to tell him cause I knew he would freak out) well I came clean with it on my own after seeing a therapist. and he did freak out and told me that he no longers trusts me. Then he starts by telling me everything that I dont do right. One second he is bein so hurtful anf the next he is telling me he loves me. Over these last few months I have come to realize that he talks to me horrible every idea I have is stupid. How could he be so mean I have done nothing but support him. I told him the other day I can not longer live this way and feel guilty for everything I have done. He in returns flips things around and tells me he loves me but this is your choice to ruin us and our daughter life. I am confused and scared. Any advice? A.

    • Luise September 5, 2011 at 10:19 am #

      That is the standard behavior of an abuser…hate, love, hate. Get out while you can. Don’t let him be a role model for your daughter.

  28. A. October 24, 2011 at 7:55 am #

    Hi, I am 31 and I have been in married to my husband for 5 years. I have had a feeling since the begining that this was not right. He is italian and his mother who is single lives (totally consumed with sons and grand daughter) near us and critics everything I say or do. I am a private person who grew up on a farm. So we argue allot about that. We have a 2 year daughter with down syndrome and I want to move back two states away to have my family and friends support because I do not have any friennds here and his family freaked out. He has always been a party boy since we started dating in college. When I had my daughter and my best friends died a few weeks later I was going thru a rough time my husband spent the whole time drinking and was not there for me, and said he was going tthru a hard time with her Dx. At 33 he does not drink allot during the week, but when he does he stays out till 5 am. So whenever he starts drinking I get stressed out is he going to stay out till 5am. Sometimes he comes home at 12am fine other times and others it is 5am and pees on things. I am not his mom, but i want to have trust in him and I do not. I feel drained by him and not showing me the respect that you should be giving a spouse. I feel like the energy that he takes from me, is also taking it from the energy I could give our daughter, On the other hand I am scared to leave. Scared I am being to picky. Scared the grass is not greener on the other side. I also realize it will be hard to find someone else who is accepting of my daughter. I feel like he will take 2 steps forward and 3 steps back. I just want a simple marriage… does that exist? A.

    • Luise October 27, 2011 at 7:44 pm #

      A. – Simplicity is never going to exist when you are in an abusive relationship. You’re not being picky, you are trying to survive. Different people would give you different suggestions…if it were me, I would cut my losses as much for my child’s sake as for my own…and go home. Blessings, Luise

  29. B. November 27, 2011 at 5:29 am #

    Hi, I have been married for only 2 months. I keep messing up in our marriage and he would give me another chance. Recently I brought my ex boyfriend into the conversation on accident. back story on my ex. He abused me and made me do everything he told me to do. I accidently brought him up in my husbands and I conversation. Now he doesnt know what to feel, he says it might not end well in the morning. I just don’t know how to let go of all the negative that has happened to me. I told him i’ll let go and it wouldn’t be easy. Not sure if he listened… Now he told me he is going to tell his mom to cancel the reception that she is planning for us and our marriage because she couldnt be here when we got married. Could it be over…and if there is a chance what should i do ? B.

    • Luise November 28, 2011 at 9:49 pm #

      B; – It isn’t over but you are on thin ice. Some very insecure people do not need to know what another person’s history is and if and when they hear it, they can never forget it. You can’t change your husbands attitude and to tell you the truth if he doesn’t change his tune, I don’t think he’s the one for you. You both need to do some serious growing up and it may be too hard to try to do it together. You deserve so much better. Blessings, Luise

      • B. December 8, 2011 at 3:22 am #

        thank u…i think we are ok for now. B.

  30. M/ December 28, 2011 at 1:32 pm #

    Hello Luise
    I have been married for 7 and a half years. We have no children. My husband has mood swings all the time and seems like he regrets marrying me. He sems to place everyone before me-his family and even friends are helped out before he thinks of doing/helping me. I have tried talking to him and we have seen a counselor a few times(insurance does not pay for it) but it never works. He says I am too selfish, not fun, worry to much,etc. I could go on and on. I love my husband. He says he loves me. I realize that he is just not a communicator. This is very difficult for me as I openly express my feelings and ask him about his all the time. This annoys him to no end. We did not marry young. I am 40 and he is 38. I am not an overly sensitive person but I feel that I have more of a business-like marriage as opposed to a true partnership. I don’t expect a fairy tale but some communication would be nice–I can’t read his mind(which I have told him). He seems to think that I should!

    I also wanted to add that neither one of us was married before and no children. The idea of children has come up but I knew from a very young age that I never wanted to give birth–this doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t adopt. My husband would never adopt as he thinks they are “throw-away” kids or “problem” children. I do think he harbors anger at not convincing me of having children. He knows how I felt before we were married. His whole family is about having kids even if they can’t take care of them or themselves! More than half of his family lives on welfare or off of other family members and they think nothing is wrong with it! I grew up in a strict, conservative family and he did not. Thank you for any advice. M.

    • Luise Volta January 14, 2012 at 9:28 pm #

      You will find many differing points of view on your situation. All I can tell you is that I did the same thing and stayed 18 years tying to communicate with someone who wasn’t remotely interested in doing that. It was emotionall starvation for me. I left and it was hard on all of us. However, to stay was to throw my life away and my belief is that there is no way to justify doing that. Now, 45 years later, (I am 84 years old) I have known what connecting can be in a marriage and how it feels…Soul to Soul. My first husband remarried and my kids forgave me. I was lucky.

      Not wanting to be a parent is not a popular attitude. In an overpopulated world, I can’t imagine why it’s anyone’s business. However, even though you made it clear beforehand…it’s pretty common that spouses think (hope) you will change your mind. You were honest…he wasn’t.

  31. T. March 8, 2012 at 2:56 pm #

    I am 36and married for 8 years…two children…two step kids that have lived with us most of our marriage…i have never been comfortable with the kind of relationship he had with his ex wfe…giving money behind my back…not making her stick to any schedule and 90 percent of time he was working and I was rep for his kids…the disc figure…this went on for four five years..then we has kids…his daughter hit teenage hrs and didn’t respect me because her father didn’t show me respect…she then became physical with me…after the third time of this i insisted she move into her moms…I question if I have ever been in love with him…he has had several online affairs…I had a full blown affair…very wrong of me but I felt alone…he worked all the time…never home and I was raising 4 kids…we have been in counseling since may…I dont have a connection w him at all….haven’t had sex in months and don’t want to…is there too much water under the bridge? T.

    • Luise Volta March 17, 2012 at 5:40 pm #

      T. – It would be too much water under the bridge for me. It sounds like it is for you. My guess is that you have learned a lot and could do a whole lot better. Blessings, Luise

  32. T. March 17, 2012 at 8:47 pm #

    That’s how I feel but can’t get my own guilty self out of my way to make the move….I want more….I think marriage should be more….and of course now he thinks he can change now that I told him I can’t do this anymore….I ask myself why didn’t he change years ago if he really loved me…. T.

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