I Can’t Stomach Looking at my Daughter-in-law

Question: Dear Luise: How do I ever forgive or deal with a daughter-in-law that has repeatedly cheated on my son and stayed out all night while he was taking care of their two very young children. She does no housework at all. He works full time, plus does all the housework and cooking. He has left her twice now and is considering going back. She has hurt him so much and I feel that the pattern will never change. I don’t want to lose my son but I can’t stomach looking at her. I truly want her to disappear. She was low enough to carry on her affair when we had opened our home to them to help them get back on their feet financially. I feel such contempt for her. Help! R.

Answer: Dear R.: The situation you describe is a really tough one, as you well know. You want to help but then you end up enabling. On the other hand, there are two little kids who deserve a lot better.

Your son has his lessons to learn and the most painful thing of all is that you can’t help him much with that. He has to see through his wife if and when he does and he has to be the one to break away and stay away…if and when he can. It’s his life and they are his lessons.

The only thing I know of that you can do is to love him and your grandchildren and keep as much distance as you possibly can between you and his wife. Hoping she will disappear and hating her doesn’t help but/and there is absolutely no need for you to forgive her. It isn’t about you and your daughter-in-law. Getting that you can’t solve this, he has to…is all that will help. And if he doesn’t, then that’s his choice.

We have kids and then we let go of them…or we try to. Yes, we step in now and again and try to help under adverse circumstances, but we can’t call the shots. If asked, we can counsel, and then our grown children must still make their own choices. Sometimes it may look to them, (and to us), like they have no choice. That’s never true. When people say that…it’s because they can’t bear the consequences of some of the choices available to them.

Your son knows how you feel about his wife. He also knows what she’s been up to. He was once drawn to her and he once loved her. He has to work his way through this in his own time and in his own way.

Continue to let him know that you are in his corner. You have no way of knowing how much that may mean to him. He may not even know it, yet. Blessings, Luise

5 Responses to I Can’t Stomach Looking at my Daughter-in-law

  1. S. December 27, 2010 at 8:14 pm #

    So sorry to hear about your daughter-in-law. I know exactly how you feel as I can not stomach my daughter-in-law either. She is extremely selfish, jealous, manupulative, delusional, brainwashing and abusive….she really needs help and has torn my family apart. I don’t see my son much and it hurts so much :(((( It is all about her family and her family does nothing but bad mouth my family and they have pretty much adopted him and convinced him that he is better off without us….huge family feud. The advice above helped and I will let go, stay in his corner, counsel when asked and love him and his children and pray to God that he finds the strength to leave her. S.

    • Luise January 7, 2011 at 1:22 pm #

      I invite you to come over to my Web-forum – http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com where we address issues with adult children. You may find some much-needed support there.

  2. T. July 30, 2011 at 1:26 am #

    I Too have an insecure daughter inlaw. She cheated with my son while my grandson was fighting Cancer. My grandsons mother stayed by his side for 2 years while he lost his battle. My sons wife who he had married during this time would not allow my son to be with my grandson in his last days and came to his funeral with her friends to cause his mother grief. In a nut shell its been an ongoing battle for me and my son, his wife will not allow me to see him or my granddaughter they have together until I end my relationship with my grandsons mother who also has my twin grandson to the one who passed. I have tried numerous times to exten my hand to my daughter inlaw to 4no avail. I’m tired and angry and have come to hate her. We as a family are torn and this evil woman is to blame. I know my son is at fault too but I miss him dearly. What can be done at this point if anything at all. I will not give up the relationship I have with my grandson’s mother, she is a wonderful person and has not caused me or my family any harm. T.

    • Luise August 7, 2011 at 8:41 am #

      You have made a loving and loyal choice and there are consequences that go with it. There’s no way to change others. Please consider coming over to my Web-forum and joining a supportive commnity of women who are facing similar issues. http://www.WideWomenUnite.com Blessings, Luise

  3. ANNE December 29, 2016 at 5:38 am #

    DAUGHTER IN LAW WOULD NOT ALLOW GRANDCHILDREN TO VISIT AND PICK UP CHRISTMAS PRESENTS. WOULD NOT ALLOW AUNT VISITING FROM OUT OF STATE TO COME AND VISIT.
    SON JUST LETS HER BEHAVE LIKE THIS.

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