Death of My Mother

Question: Dear Luise: As I walked away from her…Part of my soul remains. The “me” who buried my Mother a week ago today…did not survive. Now I must fill the shell of what is left of “me”. It must be filled with what was the best of her. How can I find the courage to do it? K.

Answer: Dear K.: One week later is too soon for courage from my experience. One week later is survival. Breathing in and breathing out.

Your mother was born to die…so was I and so were you. We live and we perish. I have no idea why we can’t incorporate that knowledge into our reality but for some reason we simply can’t. I have known people of many belief systems…some of whom were quite cavalier about death until they had to face their own impending demise or that of a close, loved one. Then, except for the most seriously committed to “knowing”, it all went down hill from there. I’ve even seen those few bend and break.

I wrote to my mom when I lost her. I had things to say and a relationship I was unwilling to let go of. I journaled of hurt and anger and loss and despair. After a while my anguish started to lessen…not my sense of loss, but my deep sickness over it (for lack of a better word) and I began  reporting my daily experiences. Eventually, I started writing answers back to me from her. I knew it wasn’t “automatic writing” or a “voice from beyond” but I also knew what she would say to me. I was 27 when I lost her…that was 58 years ago and I occasionally still write to her and “hear back.” I don’t know if that would work for you. It literally saved me from the emptiness you describe so clearly.

It isn’t my experience that I die with the person; that my Light is extinguished when theirs is…even though I have wished a few times that it were so. I have, since losing my mom, lost many loved ones, including a new-born son, a still-born son and my 52 year-old son. My husband is 100 years old and he will be leaving soon. We all experience death in our own unique way. But, honestly, when someone tells me they understand death and have a handle on it…I’m happy for them but/and I am not remotely interested in what it is that they have made up.

Because this subject is so universal, I am adding it to my new Website, www.AgingWithWisdom.com. There will soon be a category there under End of Life Issues where we can dialogue beyond the question and answer venue offered here. Please consider watching for it and coming over. Blessings, Luise

 

2 Responses to Death of My Mother

  1. J July 11, 2012 at 12:23 pm #

    It’s been three months since I’ve lost my mother. Does it ever get a lil easier? I just feel so alone and lost in this world now. J

    • Luise Volta July 12, 2012 at 10:10 am #

      J – A few minutes ago, I wrote this to M. It is for you, too. Blessings, Luise

      Your loss was so recent…my take is that you are where many of us are when a beloved ‘disappears.’ Your dad and your husband will process it in their way…you have to find yours. Some people have a belief system regarding what comes after. As a nurse, I saw many of them feel just like you do when it actually happened. The mystery is too big for most of us. My husband is 100 years old and I”m sure I’m not ;ready’ to have him leave.

      I don’t know if this will work for you but when I lost my own mom I started writing to her. I just couldn’t contain my grief, despair, hopelessness, anger…you name it. After a while my emotions seemed to start settling down and I began to tell her about my day and share with her like I always had. One, day I wrote an answer from her to me. No, I didn’t hear any voices or think it was automatic writing, I just knew what she would have said to me. That was when I was 27 years old and I am now 85. I still do it at times and it still brings me comfort. I don’t have any clear picture of ‘the other side’ but if we meet again, we’ll be current. Blessings, Luise

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