Question: Dear Luise: The few times sharing I have shared with my daughter in law always My son call me using laud voice why I have done something against her.Situation for me not easy to understand for that reason I after several times and recurrent I decided to write my son expressingunacceptable behavior to me.It was ok but my relationship with my son is a little distant.Now they have decided to have a baby with InnVitro program,he called me and he says to me they will be a difficult month for that reason I decided call her and be nice but it wasn’t. For that I expressed her my feelings.Idid tell her that I wasn’t able to talk because All my words were changed.The end of our conversation was not good but in a good manner and distant.She is christian and believes GOd is with her always and she always has the reason.I believe God iswith everybody but not always everybody is right. I lived now outside the. Country and I need your advice because I don’t want lost my son.He is my only son.Thanks. M.
Answer: Dear M.: What you are describing is something most of us who have adult children have had to face at one time or another. We were once the authority in our children’s lives. We no longer are. They pick mates, make rules and arrive at decisions from their own emerging point of view and our job is to try to understand all of that and find a way to fit in, if at all possible. Sometimes it isn’t.
It’s usually hard to determine how to be supportive without being too involved and how to respect their privacy while still setting our own boundaries. We are in charge of our lives and they are in charge of theirs. Our expectations regarding all of that are usually reasonable. However, our adult children have absolutely no obligation to fulfill our expectations. How much we get to participate in their lives is totally up to them. They are maturing and learning, no matter how slowly, and we are no longer a major consideration. If we make waves, we’re dispensable. It’s not about us.
The only way I found to deal with the walls my eldest son put up when he started his own family was to get that I did a good job raising him and my job was done; my future wasn’t in his hands, it was in mine. I had to create a new life for myself beyond parenting and grand parenting. I finally got that since I was a whole person before I started my family, I could be whole again. It’s very simple and incredibly hard. Let them go and move on. They will eventually decide what they want or don’t want regarding a relationship with you. It’s their call. Blessings, Luise