Answer: You just answered your own question by writing, “I do not want to support myself or hurt any of my children by divorcing him.

Your husband is the way he is. He isn’t going to change. I married someone very similar when I was 20 and foolishly thought that marriage was happily ever after. I left him when my sons were 17 and 10. We were all damaged by that decision. I am 85 years old now and when I look back, I can see that my sons had a pretty miserable relationship role model in us. It spoke clearly of my husband’s lack of respect for us that was at the center of our issues…and of my lack of self-respect that I didn’t do anything about it for 18 years. I kept thinking I could change it or it would somehow run its course. That simply was not true.

I faced learning to support myself and it wasn’t easy. And my kids faced the break-up and that wasn’t easy, either. My husband was deeply hurt because he didn’t know how to be anybody except who he was. I can’t say I wish I’d never married him because of our sons. We were all hurt but I wonder if the hurt we lived with before I left him wasn’t even more lethal because it was undefined and never resolved.

So, the answer is that if you are going to stay, for whatever reason, the next step is to accept the unacceptable. There is no other choice. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear B.: My take is that you can’t change your sister or your husband, so there is no sense wishing they were different. That may sound callous but you are the one that matters. You just lost your mom and you will “get over it” when you do.

Your sister is going to go right on reversing herself and criticizing you and your husband is going to go right on making unilateral decisions. That’s how they are.

I suggest you get yourself into grief counseling and start thinking about what you want (besides wanting others to be different than they are.) Then you can start looking at how you can create that. You have one very solid and very reliable advocate…your self. Use that resource and get that what your sister and your husband say and do is about them, not you. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear J.: Those of us who “gave our children everything” and put them first at all times are beginning to understand, at least some of us, why our parents made us work hard and tow the line. I sounds to me like your son feels entitled and he isn’t looking to “get over himself” any time soon. Blame has a purpose…it is the perfect excuse for denying responsibility.

Because what you have described is the most often-asked question on my Website for the last seven years, I have created a Web-forum for the purpose of dialoguing with others who are up against the same or similar situations with their adult children and/or extended families. One question and answer here just isn’t enough. You need the support of a community committed to sharing and caring…listening and suggesting…venting and healing. It you are interested, please come over to: www.WiseWomenUnite.com You deserve so much better. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear A.: You have set out to destroy your marriage and it looks like you are going to succeed. The issue isn’t about your husband; it’s about you and your refusal to see him as a human being. You can’t be trusted to be compassionate. Can you consider that?

He made a serious mistake telling you about what he did (which I am not defending) because he thought you would understand. Now, no matter how many wonderful things are attributable to him, you insist on focusing on his imperfection. What we focus on expands. Did you know that? Can you see that makes sense?

You say he is an accomplished liar. You picked him. And you are an accomplished grudge holder. If you want a mate that is above reproach you have to be above reproach, too, and you aren’t. Can he change and become less manipulative? Who knows? That is entirely up to him. Can you change and grow up to the point that you can focus on what is positive in your life? That’s the question to address because you can do something about that. Do you want to teach your children to expect more of others than they can offer and less of themselves than they are capable of? You are their role model, remember.

Work on yourself and you will find that life will “work out.” Your guy deserves some peace and so do you. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear S.: So often this kind of thing happens after a funeral. People’s emotions are all over the place and “things” temporarily seem more important than the loyalty, support and love those left behind have for each other. Everyone can have a different idea of what was meant to be left to them and it is often not documented clearly.

On top of that we can’t call our adult children on what they say and do. We did our best when raising them and the rest is up to them. They get to decide because that’s how they mature and learn cause and effect. Our opinions are just that… and best kept to our selves because we are no longer “in charge.” Not easy.

Take a look at what you may be willing to do in changing your attitude and then let them know you are willing to do that. Go back over the “stuff” that your mother left and see if you can’t work out a better plan for distribution of her effects. Preserving your family is so much more important than material objects and being “right.” Give it your best shot. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear A.: You shouldn’t have to take it another second. We can love people we can’t live with. The woman was not forthcoming about her current living arrangements. Who knows what kind of relationship she had with her “roommate?” She has been less than open and honest with you. She also should have appraised you of her plans regarding your future housemates, so you could make a decision based on all of the necessary information. It doesn’t sound to me like her word means much or that you share the same values.

My take, and it’s just a guess, is that she is a user and her son comes by it naturally. And, further, that she thinks you are a better bet than her former “roommate.” I also get that you deserve a whole lot better. I suggest that you gather up your dignity and self-respect, back out, set boundaries and move on. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear A.: You are punishing yourself unnecessarily. There is absolutely no reason for you to continue to do that. What you and your first friend had was going nowhere and you both knew it. It was foolish to make a two year commitment when both of you knew that. Please know that we all make mistake and let up on your self.

You both deserve to have happy lives and for her to get into such high drama about you finding your future wife is unrealistic, immature and selfish. No one and I mean NO ONE can make us feel guilty unless we choose to agree. You have bought into her reaction, which is anything but loving. Can’t you see that she should want the best for you? How would you have handled it, if she had connected with the appropriate person after only 6 months? I know the answer because I can sense your kindness. You would have released her and wished her well with all sincerity.

I would suggest that you consider yourself lucky…your former friend is sorely lacking. What is going on with her is about her…not you. Turn toward your future with a heart full of love and move forward. You are not in the wrong. Blessings, Luise

P.S. If you feel my response has helped you, please consider making a Donation to my Website. Thank you.

Answer: Dear B.: First of all, I want you to know that there are so many of us that are facing estrangement from out adult children, that I started a Web-forum several years ago around our issues. You can find us at www.WiseWomenUnite.com

This subject is one that is better put to a community for dialogue than to one person for a single response. If you choose to join us, you will find a deep level of caring and sharing, as well as understanding and healing there.

Most of us had reasonable expectations, hopes and dreams about relating to out adult children and extended families. They aren’t easy to let go of and so we keep trying to make it different than it is and to hope for change.

The truth is our job is done and they don’t owe us anything. Respect and a continued relationship has to come naturally, not out of obligations. We do our very best in raising them and then they make their own choices when they leave home. Some choose to stay connected, some don’t.  We have little or nothing to say about that. We can wish it were different, if they move on without wanting a relationship with us…but we can’t change it or them.

What can happen is we can get buried under a sense of injustice. We want so little and are being so reasonable. With that can come self-pity and it is easy to get stuck there. The way out can be a very difficult one. We were whole before we became parents and we can be whole again. No one can do that for us. It’s our job to accept our adult children’s choices and wish them well. They may learn compassion along the way and they may not.

From that point we need to turn our focus to expanding our own lives in other directions. It isn’t easy but it can be very rewarding. You may have noticed that I have written “we” and not “you.” Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear J.: First and foremost, please come over to my Web-forum at www.WiseWomenUnite.com where many are in the same situation you are. You will find support and understanding there. The aloneness, for most of us, is excruciating and a single response here just isn’t enough because community is needed. I started it nearly three years ago for just that reason.

Your son knows where you are and what you want and contacting him is probably only going to bring you further grief. You raised him to the best of your ability and his life choices are now his business. We all have expectations of a continued, rewarding relationship with our adult children but for many of us, those expectations are not fulfilled for whatever reason…or even for no reason at all as far as we can tell.

Waiting is something most of us have had to give up on. It costs us too much, emotionally. You were a whole person before you had children and you can be whole again. For many of us, life starts to open up after parenting is completed but I think most of us have to work at it, at least at first. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear S.: I think you need to get out of there, first and foremost. No matter how you do it, move on and start rebuilding your self-respect. You are not the one lacking! Lots of us have lived in a rented room, worked two jobs and made it through college without any help. You can, too.

My take is we can never let go of what we focus on. It only increases in magnitude. Your father and mother had huge issues that had nothing to do with you. It was totally unfair and unbelievably daunting but you are a separate person and can rise above it when you know is about them, not you. There is nothing written anywhere that says your life has to be trashed because they didn’t value theirs or you. That’s up to you to decide.

If you would like a cyber-family, come over to my Web-forum at www.WiseWomenUnite.com . Role models abound there!

The deepest love of all is self-love. We don’t usually get our “ideal” future because life has so many twists and turns in it…but we can create peace and joy and fulfillment because we said so. You are right about the unfairness but don’t let it rule you. That’s a choice. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear D.: I have established a Web-forum for women who have the kinds of issues that need more than a single answer. An understanding community offers multiple responses and dialogue. Please come over to www.WiseWomenUnite.com  Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear S.: You don’t have to be afraid of losing the guy because you don’t have him. You had hoped being close to you would help him through his fears but it’s not working. Your relationship, if you want to call it that, is on his terms and he is demonstrating that it works just fine for him the way it is. He knows what you want and you are just not his priority.

Gather up your self-respect and move on. You deserve so much more. Limiting your own life to suit and fit the fears of another person isn’t enough for you. And it shouldn’t be. Blessings, Luise

Question: Dear Luise: What can I do about my Mother in law? I’ve spoken to her about needing more personal space for my family (her son and our 3 year old and 3 month old baby). Yet, she tries to invite herself to some of our family plans. She plays the victim role with her sons and ex-husband, as well as friends of my husbands so we can be seen as the victimizers and it’s driving me insane to not be able to speak out bluntly and let her know that while I do respect her as the Mother of my son and grandmother of our children, I do not have to personally like her or have a relationship with her. She is overbearing and toxic. This woman always bath mouths or gossips about everyone, including her ex-husband to me and her own sons. She comes from a long history of abuse which has caused her to fail to see that she has now become the abuser. She does not see she is constantly the “victim” andfor as long as I’ve known her (10 years now), she has always been the same- she’s always gossiped, thinks everyone’s jealous of her- or her friends or co-workers at least-, bad mouths her ex-husband because she’s not getting the attention she wants from him, and is forcing herself into our lives which we find smothering. If we don’t go over she complains to her ex-husband or oldest son (assuming the “victim” role) so they can give my husband a guilt trip, causing distress in our marriage. Please help! A.

Answer: Dear A.: You can be pretty sure that your MIL is not going to change. Being a victim is one way to control others and it’s working for her.

I’d like to invite you to join my Web-forum – www.WiseWomenUnite.com - where you will meet many other women facing the same thing and problem solving together. You matter…your husband and children matter and you are right in calling what you are experiencing “abuse.” Setting boundaries isn’t easy and maintaining them can be even harder…and yet that’s what is needed. Self-respect dictates that you protect your own from what has been going on for a decade and will continue until you eventually experience very real, collateral damage in your relationship.

I started the forum because so many women are in the same situation as you are and I felt that a question and answer venue wasn’t offering enough support…and that community was needed. Much caring and sharing occurs there as well as a great deal of healing. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear J.: You and I know how nasty that was for your “ex” to use your son to try to get even with you. Now your son, who is way too young to understand that the adults around him are acting like children, is the one who pays.

I would tell him that you do not want to create any further problems with his dad and so you are not going to say anything one way or the other. That’s the only way I can think of for you to be honest and keep the whole thing from escalating.

Discussing it, even with a child, is going to put you on the defensive and you have a no defense. Rise above it and stick to your guns. No matter what his dad says, just keep refusing to confirm or deny it. Let your son know that the fighting ended when you left and you are simply not going to go there. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear D.: My take is that you are past due regarding moving out. You have been, in years past, a little kid in that household and I sounds like they still see you that way and treat you accordingly.

However, I would suggest you drop the apology request. The only apology that can be seen as sincere is one that comes voluntarily. Does that make sense? A forced apology never indicates that the other person actually agrees with you or thinks they were wrong.

If you need help…ask a friend, not a family member and try to forgive them their shortsightedness. Being angry and not speaking to others only hurts you, not them. If you can, try to rise above it. You have a good job and a great partner…it’s time to move out into the world as an independent adult. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear I.: You were the adult in the situation and you did not take the responsibility for that. Before you do anything else, my take is that you need some serious counseling in the area of anger management.

Set that up and then let your daughter know that you are going to give it everything you’ve got and can only hope that when you become the kind of role model she deserves, she will be willing to let you back into her life.

None of us is perfect but a knife-throwing mom is beyond the pale. She deserves so much better. And you do, too. Give it to yourself. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear K.: I know little to nothing about arranged marriage. Most of us stand up and say something to the effect that we will stay “in sickness and in health until death”…but few of us really mean that. When we marry those who misrepresent themselves or were misrepresented by others, we move on because many of us don’t choose a lifetime of martyrdom. (Or we misrepresent ourselves ad can’t keep up the facade.) I say “we and us” because my own belief system supports that concept. It may not be a popular one to align with publically but the courts indicate it is the cultural norm in many countries.

Be very careful in your selection of a lawyer because you want the documentation you have to be thoroughly understood and taken into account. I wouldn’t rely on just one psychiatrist’s evaluation but would get back up. Her family may get medical data to refute your claim.

That said, I find it a very sad situation and my heart goes out to the woman who is going through all of this when her life is already very difficult. In comparison, you are going to look like the bad guy…be prepared. You both deserve better than this basically heartless impasse. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear D. It’s pretty hard to tell where it started. Some teenagers seem to become verbally aggressive without much help from anyone. Your job, as I see it, is to get that it is abuse and that taking it from him is enabling him to stay in that pattern of behavior. You need to remove him from your life and let him (and his mother) know that he will not be allowed contact until he can not only be civil but also respectful. Blessings, Luise

Question: Dear Luise: I adopted my husbands three children when they were small. I have been there supported them financially gave them love and I never treated them like if they were not my own. As they got older I had problems with my youngest daughter lying about me, then I was closer to my oldest and she left this home I told her to leave she was beingdis-respectful, I have been through so much with them and I love them. Now they ignore me, isolate from me, don’t bother to call me they don’t care about me at all. I am so hurt. Yes I have argued with them because of the way the have been with me but I miss them and love them and they could careless if I live or die? what can or should I do? is it fair to say after I did all for them they could just ignore me like if I wasn’t nothing in their lifes? I.

Answer: Dear I.: No, it isn’t fair but it happens to a lot of biological parents, as well. I’m so sorry. You deserve better than that. Please come over to the Web-forum I started several years ago for women who have issues with adult children and extended families. You will have the opportunity to be heard there by others who understand. Experiences and solutions are shared and much healing takes place. www.WiseWomenUnite.com  Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear L.: I have created a Web-community for women who have issues with their adult children and extended families. There is usually the need for more support than this question and Answer venue offers. Caring and sharing – listening and understanding – problem solving and healing are part of what goes on there. Please consider coming over to:   www.WiseWomenUnite.com Blessings, Luise