MomResponds.com: Ask Questions, Get Answers » Values & Beliefs

He Cheated and Divorced Me

Luise Volta — Mon, 13 May 2013 22:05:22 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: I was married for 5 years happily and had a daughter when I found my husband cheating on me. We fought and he divorced me. A guy who lived in my neighborhood consoled me then and though he was much younger to me, he accepted me and my daughter and went for a relationship. We have been together for the past 3 years and now I’m 6 months pregnant with our first child. My husband never liked my decision of moving in with him but for the past 9-10 months, he has been troubling us like anything. He wants me to come back and cancel the divorce but I’m in too much love with this guy that I can’t leave him. Please tell me a perfect solution so that I can get him out of our life and both of us can live together happily and I can have my first child with him peacefully. Please help. V.

Answer: Dear V.: My personal experience is that when trust is broken, it’s gone. I was able to forgive my husband when that happened to me, however it was his decision to invalidate the marriage…not mine. He, too, wanted me back but what would have been the point? He was actually someone I didn’t know. By that I mean that the guy I had made up in my head and heart would never have done such a thing to me and our family, he was/is someone else that I would have never have picked for a life partner.

We can’t ask for perfection from anyone or offer it…but we can ask for, return and expect loyalty. My take is that you have lived through severe abuse and made a new life for yourself. You deserve the best…go for it! Blessings, Luise

Loneliness

Luise Volta — Fri, 10 May 2013 22:59:59 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: All my life I moved around a lot as in my industry it is the norm. My children never had stability until high school. Now they are grown. My oldest daughter went back to school this year and I want to move back to where I grew up some 1500 miles away. She is very angry and wants my husband and me to remain in the same state she is in albeit she may go to school 100 miles away. I have been the sole care taker of my mother for 20 years. I want to enjoy life where my roots were in a small town. We are in a city. She has no one she is close to here. She is hostile about our wanting to go and states she won’t see us but once a year or maybe every couple of years. She says I can be happy anywhere. It is hard to make new friends when I am home bound in a big city as a caregiver. At home I have friends from years ago. I don’t drive freeways and there are none where I would move. I am heartsick over this. Please advise. Thank you. J.

Answer: Dear J.: I will gladly give you my take on this. I also suggest that you post your issue on my women’s forum www.WiseWomenUnite.com where you will receive the support and understanding of multiple answers.

We live our lives for our children when that’s what they need and sometimes it’s difficult for everyone concerned to get that when they become adults, our parenting job is done. We give it our best and none of us does it perfectly. Our adult children have to make friends or not, adjust to changes or not…make choices that have consequences and learn from them…or not. That’s the way maturity is gained and it can be a bumpy road for most of us. It’s your daughter’s turn to get that she can be happy anywhere, near or far from her mother.

You are making a wise choice from my point of view to relocate to a more supportive and familiar environment. You have you hands full as a caregiver…I know I’ve been there. You have earned and deserve the right to create the best life you can for yourself. Blessings, Luise

Love Triangle

Luise Volta — Fri, 10 May 2013 17:29:24 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: I am a small town guy, fall in love with the girl from from my mba college.we had a very healthy relationship.but after approx 14-15 months we got placed in the same broker firm(real estate),all the problems started then. there was a guy who started hitting on her,and my relation become week day by day.we stared to fight every day. i was very possessive for her but i also did whatever she wanted,i let her dominate me all the time.but from 6 months i saw many small changes in her,she still use to help me and use to have breakfast and lunch wid me only but she was least interested in my life. on 5th may 2013 i caught her with that office guy,but they both did not admit that there is something between them and then we had big fight, next day in office that guy told me everything and i was not ready for thatshe was behaving exact the same way with the guy for last 2 months.i am so heart broken,very depressed and do’nt have anybody to talk or cry. i told that gal that i still have feelings for her ,but donot want her in my life. i am very depressed now,always doubting her now and it is not to leave her or even be with her.i do not want her to go with that guy as well.please tell me what to do. D.

Answer: Dear D.: One of the hardest things I have ever had to learn is that we can’t change others. If they don’t meet out expectations, it’s not their fault. They have no obligation to be any different than they are. From my point of view, I think you may have been spared some pretty terrible pain in the future by having to face your girl friend’s character defects now. At least you aren’t married with children dependent on her. That’s small comfort, I know, but it is still a factor.

You want to be close and share your life with someone. That’s wonderful and it’s still going to happen. You can learn from this experience and will deeply appreciate the woman who will come your way that is more mature and can offer integrity and loyalty. Call on your self-respect and move on.

I have been through something similar and since we were married, I tried to take the high road and work through it. However what I found was that once trust was broken, it was simply gone. I was able to forgive and we are still friends, many years later, but trust and forgiveness are two different things.

Always know that when another person devalues you, it’s about them, not you. Blessings, Luise

30 Year-old Son Blames Me for His Problems

Luise Volta — Sat, 27 Apr 2013 02:42:04 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: My son is 30 years old. He’s married also. We recently had words and now are not speaking. He wants us to believe that everything in his life that is bad is our fault. A couple of examples is a few years back he had a girl friend that was really odd. He seamed to be very taken with her…but they were always fighting and he was always angry. After 5 years of this we told him one day that we could not do any more of this drama. We told him if he insisted on going back to her one more time, that he was on his own. He took that as a slap and that he could not come to us. So he told me he has been hurt for years, knowing he couldn’t come to his family. Then just last year we had planned a trip to Yellowstone with our daughter who was coming for a visit. He has been fighting with his sister and he kept telling me , I just don’t think I can come around when she comes. I just don’t want to be near her. I told him, I still want to visit with her, she is my daughter after all, so I told him, if you can’t be nice, then don’t come over and start a fight with her. We had every intention of taking him and his wife with us to Yellowstone. But because he kept telling, I can’t come over, We went to Yellowstone with out him. Now he is hurt and mad and when he brought it up., I told him, its not like that and he told me I was just making excuses. There were other things that he brought up and its all because he took it wrong or didn’t listen to what we told him. So now we are not speaking and I am not willing to go running after him this time, to make sure we keep the communication open. I am done being his whipping post, He calls me at work, I can’t have that any more. There are just a lot of things that have to stop and he needs to grow up. He also has absolutely no respect for my husband and myself. He won’t see that now that everyone is out of the house, we have a life and we intend to live it. Whats the best way to handle this? L.

Answer: Dear L.: You sound like you have had more than enough and realize that your son blaming you doesn’t necessarily make it a fact.

You did your best in raising him. That’s all any of us can do. He has reached adulthood. It may be time to tell him that your job was done some time ago and you are going to get on with the rest of your life. You deserve so much better.

He probably isn’t going to like it when you make it clear that whatever he does from here on in is about him not you. Stick to your guns. Blessings, Luise

Abusive Engagement

Luise Volta — Wed, 17 Apr 2013 03:10:19 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: I am a 23yr old girl.i love my cousin since 8yrs bt he never had time for me.nor he spoke nor made me feel anytime tht he is also in d relation wit me.2yrs back a guy proposed me for marriage bt before inviting him to my home i spoke to him.tried to knw bout him and felt he is nt d man i dreamt of.den after few months my cousin came back and sent d proposal for marriage at home and my family agreed.i too was happy.nw its 10months am engaged bt dont knw hw he came to knw bout d past man.he feels i cheated on him and doubts on my character.am confused shud i continue d relation and get married or quit it.cz i cant tolerate his abusive language.d way he doubts and taunts me always.will he change after marriage or not?will i get d place of wife in his life?wil i get d respect and support frm my husband ever in life frm him?plz help me. S.

Answer: Dear S.: I don’t have the answer, of course…just an opinion. My take is that you are lucky to have found out what you needed to know about him before he had a chance to trash your life. If course you weren’t unfaithful to him. That’s ridiculous! Usually, such jealous and abusive behavior only gets worse, not better. Let your family know that you have the self-respect required to call it off. And if he appears to change, I wouldn’t believe it. He’s shown you what he’s made of. He’s a narrow-minded bully to my way of thinking. You deserve so much better! Blessings, Luise

Please Find Some Time To Read This

Luise Volta — Mon, 15 Apr 2013 17:59:57 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: I am a seperated mom and have a 22 yr old son. We are very close together. He had a girlfriend of 2 years and my partner and I used to love her like our own daughter. We used to all spend alot of time together. However things changed..his girlfriend, suddenly cheated on him before Christmas and he was devasted and they split. I was also very hurt as I loved her alot. My partner and I gave all our energy to help and support him as he used to come to us for help and support. A year passed and he was ok. He dieted, started going out and life seemed ‘normal’ for all of us. Suddenly they got back together! It was a shock for all of us. We made it clear to our son that we do not want her in our lives. She hurt us all too much! Now my son spends all the time with her, sleeps weekends at her house and comes home just to wash and sleep. We seldom talk. He abondoned us suddenly after all that we did for him and it is very painful. We do not fight but I feel that I have a right for an opinion as he did and I do not believe she is the women who will love him for life since she cheated after 2 years! I know I may loose my son, but the thought of her in our lives makes me feel sick! Thank you for your help. Regards, P.

Answer: Dear P.: Since you also posted on www.WiseWomenUnite.com , my Web-forum for women who have issues with adult children and extended families, I have answered it there.

Here is a copy of my response:

My take on this…and I’m happy that you are getting many different approaches to it…is that we open our arms willingly and take our newborns into them. We vow to stand by them and protect them and give them the best we have to give. And we do. We aren’t taught that our role has a “shelf life” and that one day we will have to let go. We see them through thick and thin and we are praised for that and it becomes our life. Then they cross that magic threshold called adulthood. When they wake up that morning, they are supposed to be wise and capable and on the same morning, we are supposed to wish them well and turn away…leaving our charges to whatever life throws at them.

I have deliberately overstated that to emphasize the issue but the bones of it are the truth. Some grow wise slowly and leave our loving care gently. Some stay and have to “call mom” and ask for her direction when they are 40. Some have more growing pains in adulthood than they did as kids and it breaks our hearts. Some think we could have done a better job…anyone could have done a better job. It’s a crap shoot.

The issue is usually the same. They need to learn and grow, separate and move on and watching that happen is often unbearable for us. It’s no comfort to know that our parents went through the same thing. None at all.

We can’t drop them like a hot potato but we can get that our job is done and start to rebuild our self-worth around something beyond parenting. We were whole before we became parents. What a novel concept. We can back off and work through our end of the separation and not make it worse. We can support our kids in moving out and being responsible, so the parent/child thing isn’t still going on in the physical sense. We can even get therapy if we continue to see their adult lives as our business. or that the past will be part of the future.

On this forum we see every possible combination of situations and circumstances and yet the issue remains. As our adult children, who often don’t look like adults to us or to others, struggle with taking over the reins of their lives, making decisions and learning from the consequences…or not, we can learn to accept the process. They may turn away from us only to return later as friends or they may choose to go on alone. Our concept of family may eventually expand but there’s no guarantee that it will.

The truth remains that we gave them life and the best environment in which to grow that we could provide. They take that with them. We let go. Then dynamics can still change! I am 86 years old and my son is starting, in very subtle ways, to take care of me. We are always adapting or at least trying to. It’s life. Blessings, Luise

My Two Boys Hate Me

Luise Volta — Fri, 12 Apr 2013 16:50:31 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: My relationship with my twin boys continues to deterioate since 2009. They both graduated with master’s degrees and are now professionals and people constantly compliment me on what a good mother I was as I raised them as a single mother since the age of 6. Their father lives in another state so they would spend holidays & summers with him. He makes a very good living as a professional too and has 3 homes so the time they spent with him was always vacations. He was not involved in the day to day raising of them, so they think and say that they think he walks on water. They were in a magazine and interviewed with the article. When asked who was the person who has influenced you the most in life they both said their father. Their father ruined my life but I never trashed him but told them good things about him even though he was a serial cheater, a cocaine addict, and an alcoholic. The change in our relationship started in 2007 when I had to go to rehab for prescription pill addiction and the boys had an intervention and I said I would go to rehab. One in seven people in rehab the first time make it. I have made it so far and go to AA meetings andhave for the most part had a great recovery. They cannot forgive me and I keep telling them I can only prove that I’m well with time as I have apologized many times. In 2008 I lost my successful business as an interior designer, lost my home to foreclosure, and went through 300,000 dollars that I had used to keep my business afloat. We live in a place where the economy brought all designers and furniture stores came to a halt. They had always seen me as a sucessful person as I always bought nice houses and built my way up to a lovely home on the best golf course in town. I gave them every opportunity that I never had paying for lessons in everything from tennis, golf, karate, music. I also bought them each a jeep for high school. For years they told me I was the best mother ever and they were going to raise their kids the same way that I did. When I was put in the position of no income at 55 and losing my idenity as a sucessful business woman they started treating me disrespectfully and looked at me with disgust in their eyes. They are very self righteous and judge me on everything I do. They never say anything about their father and his addictions and the fact that he is separated from his third wife as he had an 8 year affair and finally got caught.They blamed his wife, not him, and said she was mean so that was why he cheated on her. Right now they are not speaking to me and I leave messages but no return calls. In 2009 I had to move to Arkansas and live with my mother but that did not work out. I drove back to Phoenix where our relationship took a nose dive. I couldn’t find a job, I had no money, and they did not want me staying with them as they had girlfriends who didn’t appove so I was living at the YMCA. I hit the bottom of the barrel going from a 650,000 dollar home to living at the Y. My feelings towards them has also changed, I don’t love them like I used to. Should I just step back and not call them (they always act too busy to talk and yawn on the phone). Should I just spend my time trying to move on with my own life until they come around as this has gone on for the last 3 years and I feel like a real failure as I don’t have anything anymore. I really did my best raising them and loved every moment of it so I’m very confused. Sorry this is so long but I think about this all the time and don’t know what to do. Thank you. L.

Answer: Dear L.: I removed some of the specifics in your post to hopefully give you more anonymity. It’s going to take more than a single answer for what you’re up against. Please come over to my women’s Web-forum, www.WiseWomenUnite.com for further clarity and support. That way you will have the benefit of the sharing nad careing of others, not just me. I created it for those of us that have serious issues with our adult children an extended families. Over the years, I have noticed that the details vary a great deal but the dynamics hardly vary at all. I’ve worked with many women who never had issues with addiction but whose grown children sanctified an exhusband and saw their mom as deliberately imperfect. The way out is to accept their choices, move past the blatant injustice and focus on rebuilding your own life. You were whole before you became a parent and you can be whole again. Blessings, Luise

Out-of-Control Mom

Luise Volta — Wed, 03 Apr 2013 17:32:59 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: I’ve come to your website on a prior occasion to talk about my strained relationship with my mother. The advice you had gave me was very inspiring and reassuring, but I seem to be at a loss again once more. I’m about to be seventeen in May. I’m currently doing much better in school, and I’m expected to maintain an internship next year at a local veterinary hospital – and I hope to join the military as an Army Veterinarian when I graduate from college. However – this past year, a lot has changed around here. My grandparents (whom I live with, along with my mother) are planning on moving to a retirement community once I graduate next year. That was the deal, I stay here in my home until I graduate. My relationship with my mother is very strained, she isn’t by law standards a fit mother, alcohol and other substances plague her (she is open about the alcohol, and I found out about the others, secretly on my own. She does not know I know – and I honestly wish to keep it that way), and while she means well, she often puts me as the enemy and blames me for her troubled relationship with her parents as well as my aunts and uncles. Personally, even though we’ve always been second-class to our family due to her actions I’ve worked around it and earned respect from my close aunts and my grandparents. They all support me and care for me and offer to help me with whatever I need to do. Something my mother has never done (and likely never will do.) In my previous question to you, I asked how to live with my mother in this struggle and the advice I received was to live with it for as long as I have to, then I’m free. Which is great advice, and it worked out wonderfully, as I made my own goals and my own plans for the future – one without my mother. Things are changing, quickly. My mother is now looking for an apartment. I’ve expressed to her very strongly my desire to stay with my grandparents but she refuses, and says that I will go where she goes without any sympathy for how I feel about the situation. My grandparents are like my parents to me, they raised me wisely, and taught me much more than my mom had, they assist me with work, they buy me groceries, and I eat dinner with them (not my mom) every single night. My mother, is never home as she works on the weekend nights and spends a lot of her time out with her friends. Needless to say, I appreciate this time, because I love my grandparents and any time away from my mom is good news. I know for a fact that if I really wanted to, Maryland law allows anyone over the age of sixteen to petition for the right to change child custody, and with a guardian willing to take me in, and proper evidence to support that my current parent isn’t adequate, I will succeed. I know for a fact I will never be happy at my mom’s future house. I will be alone, and separate from my true family and my true home. My family is what gives me my inspiration to do better in school and stay on the right path; without them I fear I will not be able to keep up alone. However – there is a down side. My mother is a single mom, who is very emotionally strained due to what I presume is years of substance and alcohol abuse, and she’s been outcasted from my family for years for being irresponsible and a reasonably ‘unfit’ mother. This personality is very bipolar to me, one moment she will act as if she is my friend, and the next she’s trying to find a way to get me in trouble with my grandparents. Often it’s though I am the adult and she is the teenager even though she just celebrated her fifty-first birthday. Without me, however. She has nothing. I know for a fact and she’s told me before that she would probably be dead right now if she didn’t have me. I suppose that meant keeping her on a better (less dangerous) path. I do not wish ill upon my own mother – but I can’t seem to make the decision to put my foot down and tell her I will fight to stay in my home. I wish she would just allow me to stay for this one year. I’m afraid that if I go through with it and fight her for it, that I will ruin my relationship with her or worse, and her alienation from our family will be more permanent, and more final with me deciding to stay. But I also don’t want to go. I really, really need to stay here with a family that loves me and cares for me. Where I know I will be happy. We also, do not have a strong relationship, my mother and I. Where as I feel like I can get her the help she needs without sacrificing my needs. She has relied on me for most of what I can remember for advice and guidance, and sort of ended my childhood abruptly making me fit into the adult role. I’m not sure what the best decision is, and that’s why I came to you once again for your advice. I apologize for the length of this message – but I wanted to explain the full story before I do. Thank you in advanced for any time you give me in this, and I appreciate anything immensely. S.

Answer: Dear S.: It sounds to me like a darned if you do, darned if you don’t situation. I am so proud of you that I can hardly stand it and we haven’t even met! Unfortunately, the best answer may be the worse. Please notice the word “may” because I don’t know, of course.

If you move with your mom and put up with her until you can legally leave, it will undoubtedly be tough, but at the end of that time you will be free without having initiated all of the negativity in the family that taking legal action in the courts now would bring about. My guess is that the stress over forcing your freedom might well be worse for you than moving with her…when what you want and need to do is focus on school. You don’t have to sever your relationship with your wonderful grandparents…you can visit and soak up their love and respect. You sure have mine.

You aren’t your mom’s mom. What you have had to deal with as the result of her struggles, poor choices and their consequences has been a long, and rough path. Many girls your age are in high drama about which make-up looks best and the new guy in class. You have had to leave that fun, teenage place to become the responsible adult. You have done extremely well in spite of all of this and you have a plan that is both impressive and doable for your future.

What I admire the most about you is you have not taken on the victim role of bitterness and helplessness, which can be paralyzing and is often used as an excuse for non-achievement. You are facing injustice with strength and courage and are focused on creating a life for yourself that will be both rewarding and make a contribution to society. I honestly think there will be fun for you in the future, too.

Don’t be concerned about the length of your questions. I am here to listen and to care. And I do. Blessings, Luise

I Still Feel Married

Luise Volta — Tue, 02 Apr 2013 04:07:30 +0000

Question:Dear Luise, 2 years and 6 months ago my husband died. He was separated from me and told the courts he wanted his wife back. Our friends split sides of not liking me and not liking my husband. Rumors of we divorced were spread for 13 years of our marriage and no one believed me that we were still married. When he died i was not contacted and i did not know until a doctor friend of mine told me.The really sad part is that i still loved him and he died not knowing. He left for me widows pension and health insurance coverage.Later it was told to me ,my husband lied about being divorced to protect me from his relatives who would start threats and harass me to no end wanting his money.So even through death he has showed me love and devoted as my husband and our love for one another goes on even after death.Question: How can i date and love another when i feel still married? Am i still Mrs. or am i Ms. ? I am interested in a man whom loves me and wants to date with marriage in the future.How can i not feel guilty to hold a man and kiss a man? I feel as though i am still a wife and cannot be with any man. What is your advice for me ? God Bless You love; M.

Answer: Dear M.: I’m a widow and I go by Luise Volta, without a title. When asked, I give my status. We can’t be married to a dead person. You may need grief counsuling to help you work through your regrets (which we all have, believe me) and to help you accept your loss, if it isn’t real to you that your life has changed and it is normal to move on. Moving on doesn’t mean you are being disloyal. Most of us have room in our hearts to love again. I know I do. If you have a man who wants marriage…you have already fallen in love. Enjoy it, you deserve it. Blessings, Luise

My Son’s Wife

Luise Volta — Mon, 01 Apr 2013 02:16:39 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: My story is much like “Shut Out by our Daughter-in-law”. I have talked and talked to my son but he seems to careless how our family feels. They do have a 2.5 year old and we beg to see him, but it rarely happens. Her family has full access and as a baby we were pushed away, ignored, and treated like we had no part in his life. Her mom tells her but it just causes family termoil. I have in the last year broken strings with them all, but my heart is broken. We love this child……I am consumed by the hurt and can not seem to let go of it. It is the most painful hurt I have ever gone thru. I try and try but no matter what I do it does not matter. Oh but when she need something? She is like honey dripping off the tree, when that is over. She goes back to being the same way the next day until she need something again which, is not offten. I want to share memories of every holiday, daily living, and so on just like her family. But we are at the mercy of her and it is hard to bare. My heart is so shattered……When I am at work I hear many stories of what grandparents have shared with their grandchildren, and it makes it worse. I am like what is wrong with me that I am being punished this way. Hurt has grown to almost anger. And I do not want to feel this way. I just want a life with my only grandchild. I have tried to talk to her but she can not
not even hold a conversation with me, and laughs with her friends at what she has done. It is not funny to me, and I am bitter about it and hurt so bad that I can not even explain how I feel. We love her, and she is a beautiful person on the outside, but the inside is soooo ugly. I have never had anyone to treat me as tho I am a speck of dirt. Just hurt beyond measure. K.

Answer: Dear K.: I have a Web- forum for women who are facing issues with adult children and extended families. Beside interacting with me, you will find others there who listen, care and share. Please come over to www.WiseWomenUnite.com Blessings, Luise

Grown Daughter

Luise Volta — Tue, 26 Mar 2013 01:03:39 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: My grown daughter who is 31 y.o. has had issues with me since she was 12 1/2 and I started a divorce proceeding against her father. She lived with me until she was 18 1/2 and graduated High School. The hospital where I worked at the time closed and I didn’t have full-time employment. I sold my house. She went to live with her father about 12 miles away for 2 years while she attended community college. She hadn’t seen her dad much during the preceding 6 years, since he really couldn’t relate to her at that time. In the custody papers she was to be with him every other weekend and 2 nights per week. I enforced at least a weekly visit with him for a few hours. I told her that did not want her to lose her relationship with her dad. Those 6 years were extremely difficult living with her. She did not like that I had a few boyfriends during that time. (Long term committed relationships that just didn’t work out mostly due to children problems and such). In the ensuing 13 years (not living with each other) it has been up and down with her. I have never known what to expect from her. She has praised my mothering and me in Greeting cards in her own words for almost 20 years. But in person there was usually tension with her. I have tried to talk with her and write letters and work through all of the emotional baggage. Just when I think maybe it’s better it always changes. I asked her if she would forgive me for all that she thinks I have done wrong and she plain came out and said “Why should I let you off the hook?” There is so much more I could say to flesh out this situation for you. In any case I actually asked something from her 9 months ago. She just bought a beautiful home, was living with a man who has adored for a long time and making a load of money (at least 2 or $300,000 between the 2 of them). I thought she was in a spot of happiness. She was so angry that she sent me an extremely horrible and critical letter pointing out all the mistakes and decisions that I have made over the years as just unacceptable. And how could she put up with a person like me? I just graduated from R.N. school. This economy drove me back to school and all she could do was put it down. I tried at least a half dozen times before the Holidays to reconcile with her and she text messaged me that my attempts were just manipulation. When she “is ready and not moment sooner she will get in touch with me.” She has blown off all relatives and friends that associate with meI have let it lie for over 3 1/2 months. I am just wondering if I am doing the right thing? She has had all the power in the relationship all these years. She is my only child. When she wrote that email, I emailed her back and finally stood up to her and said she had no right to judge me so harshly and treat me in such a low manner. I figured she is 31 and not a child any longer. If I didn’t put my foot down now and put her in her place this would go on through grand children for years to come. That would really kill me. I don’t know if she will ever grow up. She says she doesn’t have time for counseling (with or without me) because of her job. She texted me 4 months ago that “talking about it would do no good.” She doesn’t want to forgive me for what she sees as decisions she could have made better. She wants to be the mother. I, acting as her mother didn’t even talk to her like that. I have had to walk around her on eggshells lest I say the wrong thing. It is an impossible situation that I have really started to believe she likes because she is the one on top. I have missed her terribly and have cried hours and hours of tears. Should I just wait this out (which could take years) or should I attempt to contact her? If I do talk to her what should I say? Just being me doesn’t work to get through to her. I am afraid to say the wrong thing. I love this child. S.

Answer: Dear S. I have more questions about issues with adult children and extended families than I have on any other subject. Three years ago I created a Web-forum for women facing many different variations of what you have just written about. It’s too complex for a question and answer venue. What works much better is dialogue and a support system. I interact with everyone who turns up there but/and you will also have the benefit of being heard by others who understand and care. Please consider coming over to www.WiseWomenUnite.com You don’t need to start over, just copy and paste what you have written here and post it over there. I hope to see you soon. Blessings, Luise

Family Jealousy

Luise Volta — Mon, 25 Mar 2013 18:52:33 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: I am a junior in college and need some help with a very important issue. I feel like one of the hardest things I had to experience in college is family jealousy. I understand it’s a heavy thing to accuse someone of jealousy but I feel it from many people in my family, including my grandmother. I feel if there is something I am doing wrong it shouldn’t be that hard to talk to me about it. I believe and fully support communication in our relationship, but it isn’t happening and they all treat me like I’m a bad guy when I’m not. At least if I knew what was wrong I would do anything I could to fix it. I try being nicer to everyone and doing things to win them over but it doesn’t seem to work. At the end of the day I can only be me. I’m facing the reality of never having the same relationship with certain family members again and really need your help. How should I deal with this? I.

Answer: Dear I.: Good for you for caring as deeply as you do and of course it’s hard. We can open the door for communication but that’s about as far as we can go. We simply can’t change others if they refuse to step through that door. If members of your family are jealous, that’s about them, not you. The truth is you do have something to say about that and how much you let it effect you. I have had some family members that I am incredibly lucky but what I have learned through the years is that the harder I work, the “luckier” I get. That’s not their perception.

We often can’t make sense of the senseless and we can pay a huge price for trying and feeling we need to do something to fix it. My take is that you are a fine young man, doing well in your life. You deserve the respect of others but it it isn’t forthcoming, give it to yourself. Blessings, Luise

Abusive Son

Luise Volta — Tue, 05 Mar 2013 18:18:41 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: My son is 39 years old and has used Meth since he was 17 years old. Now they are using bath salts in this drug. My son has gotten so abusive with me that I had to kick him out of my house. He calls me filthy names and threatens to kill me. I have called the police and they take him to detox. I’m afraid I will have to stay away from him as long as he’s using. I love my son but I am so afraid of him. I am so very sad and I know he makes his own choices!! I feel so helpless right now. This tuff love is so hard and I’m so tired of all his drama. He makes me feel guilty. What should I do? J.

Answer: Dear J.: I have a Web-forum for women who are experiencing serious issues with adult children and extended families. It’s just too deep and complex for a question and answer venue. What I have found to be most needed is the kind of support that can be obtained from a loving and understanding community over a period of time. At www.WiseWomenUnite.com many moms have moved through the impossible and back to health. Please come over and get us a try. Blessings. Luise

How Do I Leave

Luise Volta — Sat, 23 Feb 2013 15:59:55 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: I have been with Dan for almost 9years. We started out as an affair but we both divorced about 6 years ago. He drives truck and is only home maybe five days a month. I am fed up with not know from day to day what is going on. Our relationship has always been difficult. I am ready to walk away but find it very hard to find the words or the strength. S.

Answer: Dear S.: My take is that there is no easy or comfortable way for most of us to turn a corner and leave another behind. We have to leave our hopes and dreams there, too…or our need to hide. Whatever brought us there served a purpose. There was a time you must have needed a five days a month partner…difficult or not.

My personal experience is that relationships are where we learn and grow. That doesn’t mean that we both necessarily learn the same things or grow in the same direction. Of course it’s hard to walk away…it is also hard to stay. If it is still working for your guy…that doesn’t mean you have to continue until he gets to where you are. That might never happen.

What it boils down to is your relationship with yourself. You have come to the place where to honor yourself; you have to take a stand. He will recover. There’s no crystal ball to tell him that he may look back one day and thank you, but it’s a possibility. You deserve better and you know it. That’s the fuel that will take you through the fear, pain and perhaps guilt of being honest. It’s called self-respect. Blessings, Luise

More To Deal With

Luise Volta — Sun, 17 Feb 2013 22:43:39 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: I wrote a while back regarding my grief process with around my mother’s death and all of the other things (family and other relationships) impacted by the manner in which I handled things over the past year. Well- my romantic partner and I worked things out and were moving forward in a a very positive direction- when out of the blue- a person from his past materialized claiming that she has a child that is his. Mind you that the baby is apparently going on two years old. From a practical perspective- the dates do not add up. My guy and I started dating in October of 2011- he was seeing her in the late summer of 2011- she says the child was born August 2011. He never saw a kid nor saw her pregnant during the time they were seeing each other. Well needless to say- a paternity test is in order- which she refuses to permit. He- on the other hand, has been trying to work through this without my intervention (which I am absolutely fine with- I do not want to be in the middle of it). The issues are: (1) this has triggered something very deep in him- he has been married before and was not permitted to be involved in his son’s life by the mom; (2) he has no interest in the mother of this child and that apparently complicates matters even more and (3) he has moved into a psychological space that has entirely shut me out. I do love and care about him very deeply and I just cannot believe that something like this would pop up out of nowhere. I have assured him that even if the kid is his, I am still there for him. We are 50 and 51 years old- and of course, all of this is a shock, but I am having a hard time understanding his reaction. I am an analytical person and the first thing I would have straightened out would have been the dates and the next order of business would have been a paternity test done be a doctor. I have not attempted to intervene and he does not want to talk with me about it- but to totally shut me out is hurtful. We went through so much with my mom and overcame so many obstacles- and it is difficult for me to understand how he would permit this to entirely derail our entire relationship. Is this one of those ‘cut your losses and move on type things’ or ‘be patient and wait for him to work it out’. He has said that he needs to handle it on his own- and believe it or not, I totally get that and am fine with him handling. What I am not fine with is that he is shutting me out- that is not fun or fair- at least in my opinion. This man is the person who showed me that even at my worst- I was still lovable. This was a huge thing for me- and I don’t really want to walk away from him- but I also know that I can’t force myself to be there if he does not want me there. A quandry…K.

Answer: Dear K.: Sometime we get a series of hurdles. I have no idea why.

Your guy showed you unconditional love when you were down for the count and I agree that now it’s your turn. You can’t change his way of addressing his issue, of course. Locking you out seems to work for him for some reason, although he may not even know himself why he has taken that stand.

I would suggest you ask him if there is any way at all that he would like your support. That includes his being alone…if he feels the need. All you can do is back him and back off. Acceptance can be a priceless gift. No, his attitude isn’t fun or fair. It also isn’t kind or thoughtful. It just “is.”

I am a person who likes support that I can count on at the worst times in my life…but there are those who shut down and pull away when they are overwhelmed. Blessings, Luise

Son and Daughter-in-law

Luise Volta — Sun, 17 Feb 2013 18:40:31 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: my daughter-in-law has not liked me from the first day we met. no matter what i do or dont do its wrong. she and i have had many words via texts and facebook, and we have not had contact for 4 mos. my son and i use to be so close, and now he wants notheing to do w me. she has warped his mind, and the whole family sees it if that helps you at all. they have twin 1 yr old boys. we never get to see them and they live 5 minutes from us. i can deal with not having a relationship w her, and even my son, if this is how he wants it, but i love my grandsons and miss them. the boys 1 yr birthday is in 3 weeks, and i know that we will not be invited to a party, so how would you advise us to get the gifts to the boys and maybe steal a hug and kiss or two? this whole mess has been going on ever sence she came into our family 3 yrs ago. my son dated another gal for 7 yrs prior to this girl, and he and i always had a decent relationship. please help. Thanks. B.

Answer: Dear B.: About three years ago, I realized that my question and answer venue wasn’t enough when addressing the complex marriage and family issues women often have to face. Continued dialogue and community support offer more benefit. My Web-forum at www.WiseWomenUnite.com , where women can be heard and often heal, is the result. I am very active there. Please come over if you are interested. Blessings, Luise

How Do I Cope

Luise Volta — Sat, 16 Feb 2013 21:06:15 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: I IMAGINE I AM NOT THE ONLY MUM IN THE WORLD WHO FEELS SO REJECTED SINCE HER SON GOT MARRIED. WE WERE ALWAYS CLOSE AND MY MOTHER WHO WAS A DEEPLY BITTER AND WOUNDED SOUL SPENT 2 YEARS POISONING HIM AGAINST ME! SHE HAD ALWAYS VOWED TO ”BREAK ME” AND MY BELIEFS WERE THAT I NOT ONLY HAD TO TAKE CARE OF HER BUT I ALSO HAD TO FORGIVE. WE TOOK HER TO LIVE WITH US WHEN WE RETIRED UNTIL SHE DIED 5 YEARS LATER. SO IN TOTAL I HAD NO CONTACT WITH MY SON FOR 7 LONG PAINFUL YEARS. HE CAME BACK INTO MY LIFE AND ALL WAS WELL UNTIL HE MARRIED A LOVELY GIRL.I WAS SO HAPPY TO SEE HIM WITH SUCH A CARING SUPPORTIVE GIRL BUT GRADUALLY HE SEEMS TO HAVE DISTANCED HIMSELF FROM ME. I ONLY WANT TO HEAR FROM HIM OCCASIONALY BUT CAN SENSE HIS NEAR DETACHMENT FROM ME. HIS WIFE SEEMS TO BE NICE ENOUGH WHEN WE SPEAK BUT I CAN SENSE THAT IT IS FALSE. I HAVE BIT MY TONGUE WHEN THEY HAVE TREATED MY BADLY, BUT OH THE PAIN IS SO HARD TO BEAR. HE HAS ADOPTED HER TWO CHILDREN – SHE REFUSED TO HAVE A CHILD WITH HIM – BUT HE HAS BEEN EXCELLENT WITH HER TWO – DESPITE THEM BEING LAZY SELF-ABSORBED AND UNINTERESTED IN ANYTHING BAR THEMSELVES. IT IS A LONG STORY AND I IMAGINE YOU CAN FILL IN THE BLANKS. I HONESTLY THOUGHT I WAS GAINING A DAUGHTER AND WOULD LOVE TO HAVE BEEN ABLE TO SPOIL HER. I HAVE BEEN SO KIND AND CARING TO HER BUT FEEL NOW THAT IT WAS JUST AN ACT TILL SHE GOT HER MAN. SHE BOUGHT HIM A DOG WHOM HE ADORES, BUT NOW IS MAKING THE EXCUSE THAT THE DOG IS AGRESSIVE AND WILL BE PUT TO SLEEP SO’S SHE CAN BE WITH HIM ALL THE TIME. A BEAUTIFUL DOG WHO IS CLEVER AND INTELLIGENT AND DOE NOT HAVE AN AGRESSIVE BONE IN HER LITTLE BODY. OH PLEASE HELP ME TO COPE WITH THIS HEARTBREAK. MY HEALTH IS SUFFERING – I HAD A BREAKDOWN WHEN MY MOTHER WAS ‘DOING HER WORST’ AND NEED TO FIND A COPING MECHANISM TO AVOID A DEEPER PARTING FROM THE SON I LOVE SO DEARLY. THANK YOU FOR LISTENING. N.

Answer: Dear N.: I feel that your question needs more input than a single answer. I have created a Web-forum for that purpose. Please come over to: www.WiseWomenUnite.com where you will be able to dialogue with others as well as with me. You will be heard and the understanding and support you find there may help you move toward healing. I look forward to sharing with you further. Blessings, Luise

He’s Changed.

Luise Volta — Sat, 16 Feb 2013 18:48:45 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: My husband and I have been married for 1.5 years and together for 7. We do not have any children. We’ve been struggling since almost the beginning of the marriage with many issues that he has but that affect me. He drinks and drives often after work, which he knows I hate. Then apologizes and does it again two weeks later. His job will always come before me. I appreciate that he works hard and helps to provide a great life for us but its unhealthy. He has let his health suffer, gained significant weight and is severely depressed. He talks about how he hopes that he dies young all of the time. This is not normal and it upsets me and makes me mad that he doesn’t want to change for our future together. I want to have a baby and move forward with my life. Before we got married, he said that he wanted children. Now I am not sure. I bring it up all of the time and he comments on “what a pain kids are” and “they just cost too much money”. I don’t think he would be happy if we even had a baby. Also, I’m not entirely sure that he would even be a good father. Based on what I have experienced with his treatment of me, and his priorities in life. I’m really stuck. I know I should probably move on but I do love him and I’m not sure what to do. He refuses to seek help and that is “showing weakness” in his mind. He lies, is dishonest and I don’t really trust him. He was NEVER like this the 5+ years we dated and lived together before our marriage. So I don’t know what is going on. Thanks for listening! K.

Answer: Dear K.: Something I learned the hard way is that we can love someone we can’t partner with. For some, there is a difference between living together and marriage. For others, marriage is the same only better and for yet others “just” living together is enough and works for a lifetime. On top of those variables, is the problem of one person having a different experience than the other. Then it becomes, “I would be happy if only you would (fill in the blank.”) Freely translated, that means, “Don’t be who you are or have become, be who I thought you were and need.”

We are all conditioned differently and the bulk of our conditioning is on an unconscious level. More often than not, our unconscious conditioning drives us and we think we’re choosing. We make up the “whys” even though we don’t have a clue.

You want a home with a trustworthy partner and you want kids that you can raise in a healthy environment. You already know it isn’t going to happen. You are seeing more and more of what doesn’t work as you face your unfulfilled expectations…(both conscious and unconscious.)

A failed marriage can involve healthy growth. Beliefs can crystalize and the consequences of assumptions can be faced. Your husband doesn’t want to be the bad guy for changing his mind about children or for stopping to drink after work and then driving. He may (again, perhaps unconsciously) not want to come home and then he uses impaired judgment and drives, to make things worse. You don’t want to be the bad guy, either, for being upset by both of those things. The truth, as I see it, is that there is no bad guy. It takes courage and maturity to see that and act on it. You both deserve better.

I stayed married to the wrong guy for 18 years…strongly believing there was nothing wrong with our marriage, we both just needed to do a lot of work. After almost two decades, I finally got there was nothing wrong with either of us…it was the combination that didn’t work (and we had known each other since we were three years old.) When I left, he was against it but he married again, to a compatible partner…and then he understood. Blessings, Luise

His Mom Hates Me

Luise Volta — Wed, 13 Feb 2013 05:46:18 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: I only got told today that my boyfriend’s mother seems to have a bit of an issue with me; I am 20 and in my third year of my college course and my boyfriend is 23 and her youngest child and repeating college after a bad first time.
We have been friends for over a year but only have gone out dating wise for about five months; at first she was only nice because my mum works in the same work place and is well known for her work field and she seemed okay with me. His dad has no issue with me and tends to act like I’m part of the family and only talks to me when he’s making silly jokes about my boyfriend (in relation to clothes and small matters).
His mum has accepted we are having sex(we do use protection) but refuses for me to sleep in the same bed as him; but this is not the main issue…its an issue but not the main one.
The main issue was quite recently I got told my grandmother is dying and I have been quite sad and depressed about it and having difficulty trying not to cry; my boyfriend being quite worried offered that I could stay at his a few hours on the days I usually don’t come over ( I go to his house Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday till 9pm after college) I was unsure as I know his mother does not expect me on the other days so I asked him to ask her in which apparently she seemed a bit annoyed at.
He explained to her the situation in which she apparently told him he shouldn’t be involved with my ‘drama’ as it would affect his grades. Ever since we have gone out he has studied harder than when we weren’t together pulling 80-90 percent every time.
I don’t know what I did to upset her, I am quiet according to his dad and very polite always offering to help(which she refuses) and I’m always making my boyfriend happy and cheerful so I don’t know what I have done wrong and why she doesn’t like me. Should I do something differently or should I just presume I’m to be hated by this woman forever? R.

Answer: Dear R.: I think you would benefit from coming over to my Web-forum for women with issues concerning adult children and extended families. I doubt that one answer from one person is going to give you enough feedback. www.WiseWomenUnite.com is for all women of all ages. You will recieve understanding and support there and be able to dialogue with other members as well as with me. Sometimes we need to give up trying to make sense of the senseless as well as taking the blame for it. We can’t change others. That’s my immediate input. Please join us. A lot of healing takes place on WWU. Blessings, Luise

Married Son Needs Medical Attention

Luise Volta — Sat, 09 Feb 2013 05:21:18 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: My adult son has serious problems with his sciatica nerve and with out insurance. The shot he needs is very expensive. He is working every day and in terrble pain and the though of that, as a mother, is really causing me mental problems. My husband and I could afford a shot but we do have limited income and also our own health issues. At one point we offered to help im finanically. My daughter-in-law procrastinates to the point that it has cause my son, my husband and my self financial and physical probllems. The reason my son does not have insurance is one example. They are hardly surviving finanically as she does not have a job and will look for one tomorrow. My son and his wife came to visit us and she was bragging about her new motercycle books and clothes she just bought and at Christmas she gave us a $60.00 gift card and gave my son, her husband a remote helicopter. Needless to say, I was very angery with her and aske her where her prioritys were. Of course that ended in a fight between my son and me (he felt I was trying to control or interfer with their money). And now my husband – not my son’s father – said he does not want to help them with the shot because of how she spends money. My son and my relationship is in terrible problems. He is very proud man and will not ask for help. I can hardly sleep at night thinking of the pain he is in and trying to work. My daughter-in-law sits and reads the bible all day and thinks God is going to help them through this. I believe in prayer and that is also what is keeping me going but my son needs some relief from his pain. I am desperate to help him. Any advice you have would be most welcome. Thank you so much for your time. J.

Answer: Dear J.: I want to provide you with more than one viewpoint on this. Would you consider coming over to my women’s Web-forum and presenting it there? I established it for women who have issues with adult children and extended families. You situation is so complex that a single answer isn’t going to be enough. At www.WiseWomenUnite.com you will get the benefit of hearing back from a community that is willing to dialogue with you with understanding and offer support.

My take is that your son has a lesson he has to learn on his own…he picked his wife and she is willfully spending his hard earned money on everything but the shots he needs. It’s how their relationship is playing out. The fact is he condones her abuse. Yes, that’s what it is. And it’s the direct result of his choice of a non-partnering mate. There are consequences that come from poor choices and lessons to be learned from them. For you to step in a criticize what is foolishly spent on gifts and get upset as you watch her read about and talk about lofty principles that she doesn’t apply in a responsible and compassionate way…is not your place. Again, as I see it, he chose her and it is his situation to resolve. I also totally get how nearly impossible it would be to stand by and stay out of it. Bottom line, they are adults and have a lot to learn about life. That is done by living it and, as I have stated, facing up to and working through the consequences.

By bringing the whole thing to my forum…you will get a broader view and increased input regarding getting though how adversely it is affecting you. There are those who may not agree with me and who may offer other options. I hope you will join us. Blessings, Luise