Answer: Dear I.: You are right, if you don’t do it now, you never will…at least not the way you would at this time. Your mom is scared to death that something will happen to you and she thinks being super-strict is the best way to show she loves you. She’s wrong, of course…but her heart’s in the right place.

Ask her is someone can come over to your house. Maybe if she can do that, she will see how nice your friends are and trust their moms to watch you when you go over there. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear G.: The bad news is that you are stuck with her. The good news is that the bulk of your life will be on out your own, not in her jail. I have been out of high school and on my own for 66 years. The amount of time you spend with your family of origin is a very small part of your life.

Your mom is in charge and she won’t listen to you because she thinks she is saving you. She has read and heard horror stories about teenagers and the scary things that happen to them. She knows what a dangerous world it is out there and she is giving you her best. Does it make sense? Absolutely not! You should be free to start making your own decisions. It is going to be very hard for you to go from child to adult without any chance in between to grow up.

I am so glad you find school to be your salvation. You are wise to see it that way and use that opportunity to taste some well-earned freedom. The only way to get through what lies ahead is to accept it. You have no choice. Kids run away from home every day because it is so bad they think anything would be better than having to live that way. It’s a terrible mistake and they die on the streets every day.

Don’t cross her or argue with her. It only makes things worse for you and they are bad enough already. Stay out of her way and do what she says…and know that it’s almost over. You have put in sixteen of your eighteen-year sentence already.

You deserve so much better, we both know that. Take your awful experience with you when you do get to leave, so you can be a smarter, more compassionate parent. It has always been my guess that moms who are like that…were pretty wild when they were young. I may be wrong…but I think they remember all too clearly what they got away with. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear C.: One of the toughest assignments any of us will ever have to face is getting that people are the way they are. We go nuts wanting them to be different. Look closely at that. The guy talks to others about it but not to you. OK, that’s what he’s doing. We can guess that he doesn’t know what to say or fears rejection himself but it’s just guessing.

You get to be the way you are. That’s about you. You can’t hand scripts to others and expect them to follow them. Truth? We all try. It just doesn’t work. We have hopes and dreams and expectations but/and the only people that can do anything them it is ourselves. We can’t give the job to someone else. We wait or we don’t and when the other person makes a move then we are in full charge of how we respond. That’s it. Your safety lies within yourself. When it is dependent on another…you are never safe.

You can seek out more outgoing guy. That’s your business. How this one is feeling and acting…is his business. Can you get that? I‘ve had a very tough time with that most of my life but it finally dawned on me that I can’t hold up hoops and ask others to jump through them. We waste so much time wanting them to be different than they are and waiting and hoping someone will or won’t do what we want…and we hint all over the place. What they do is their business…in their own time or not at all. It isn’t up to us.

So, you just get to see how it all turns out or you get to say to yourself that the discomfort isn’t worth it. Falling for someone and getting through the uncertainty that accompanies moving from best friends to being that special someone is not easy. For many of us, however, we’re glad we hung in there. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear M.: One thing no one can do is figure out what another person is thinking. It’s nothing but a guessing game. That said, I will try to look at the situation with you.

He knows you like him. At the very beginning, you called attention to yourself by talking with others about your feelings. That may or may not have made him uncomfortable. He said he liked you but just wanted to be friends. You took that (getting it second hand, so you couldn’t ask him what her meant) to mean that he wanted to date you later on. He didn’t say that. My guess is that he got teased about you and in November it either got worse or he got fed up with it. Now, his actions are extreme…like with the computer. He now dis-likes you.

When intense feelings are one-sided, it can be really hard to take. However, none of us can make someone like or love us. We only look foolish trying to make it happen and usually totally turn the other person off. I’ve been there and it can eventually be embarrassing.

Your attraction is very real, I don’t doubt that, but it has the characteristics of a crush because it isn’t two-sided. The way that works is the more you think about it, the stronger it gets. I would suggest you let it go no matter how hard that is to do. You are getting nowhere and your self-esteem can’t help but be taking a beating.

You deserve so much better than this. You really do. Why not open your self up to other possibilities? Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear J. You know you are special or you wouldn’t have written to me. And you knew how special I would think you are…and I do. I know how hard it is to move at your age (been there/done that) and it sounds like you are pretty miserable. I would be, too. The tough part is that when you give in to sadness, being upset and crying…things get worse. Always.

The only answer I know of is one you aren’t going to like. It is focus. What you focus on is what expands in your consciousness (life.) When you think about how bad things are they increase. You younger sisters are probably being spoiled and as the eldest, more is expected of you. If you get stuck in how unfair that is (and it is unfair) you can get mired down in self-pity and things will then go from bad to worse. Do you know, for instance how many kids don’t have an iPod, Kindle or cell? And don’t see a chance of getting them in the next five years?

That special friend is going to show up. You will attract her when you are more cheerful and funnier…warmer and friendlier. I know it isn’t easy but there is that part of you, even it it’s rusty. Give it a chance. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear A.: OK, so now you are giving me more information as to why your mother is so “over-protective.”

The next step to making out on the beach is having sex. Most boys don’t understand that one doesn’t lead to the other and you are being pretty dim if you don’t know that.

Your mother is having visions of STD and teen pregnancy because that’s where they come from…a little “innocent” making out on the beach. Again, I implore you to see her side of this. Some moms are very modern and start their daughters on the pill when they get scared. This gives their daughters absolutely no protection from STD. She’s terrified. Can’t you get that? Your brother may have told her out of malice but her reaction is pretty much how I would react.

Running away is the most dangerous solution of all. Hundreds of teens die on the streets every day because they thought nothing could be worse than what they had to face at home. Not so.

Can you back up and try to see both sides of this situation? Sooner than you realize, you will be out on your own and having to make wise choices or face the consequences.  Feel the fear your mom feels. It’s real. Enjoy being a kid a little longer…it’s not all that bad. Let the love in. Your life may depend on it. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear A.: Your mom is afraid. She reads, like we all do, about teens that innocently catch a ride and never come home again and of parties, even sleep-overs, that get out of hand with the same result. It’s love that has her keeping you on a short leash.

It takes years to mature to the place where you have the experience to create sound judgment. She just wants you to ease into that…safely.

You will find, when you are in her shoes, that it’s a tough job. I let my son make his own decisions when he wasn’t ready to and the result was he got into some terribly dangerous situations that could have cost him his life. I learned that many years later when he made in around the corner into becoming a fine adult, but I let him down by letting him go too soon.

It isn’t your mom’s job to give you everything you want. It’s her job to steer you through the shark-infested waters of being a teenager so that you get a chance at adulthood. You measure her effectiveness by knowing what your friend’s mothers say and do, but the end result isn’t yet in sight.

Don’t think I don’t know how disappointing it is to not be able to do what your friends are doing and to be left behind…only to hear later how much fun they had. You need to step out a little or you won’t learn how to make wise decisions. Tell your mom that. Serious overprotection can produce a young adult who is very poorly equipped to choose wisely in today’s complex environment. There is a balance between too much and not enough supervision. Ask her to work with you and at the same time, respect her efforts to keep you safe. There’s no perfect answer. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear T.: That’s a rough one because you are not in charge of your own lives. You just aren’t ready for that yet. Your girlfriend’s mom is afraid that you will go too far if you haven’t already and that her daughter is in danger. That’s normal and I think you can understand that.

Let your girlfriend know that you understand and help her to get it. It is probably the hardest thing you will ever have to face. Love is compelling and you want to be together. As hard as it is, focus on growing up and know that if what you have experienced over the last eight months is real, and I think it is or you wouldn’t have written to me, it will last.

You both have long lives ahead of you. There is no reason that it can’t be together, just not now. Hang in there, do your best in school and know that you can beat the odds if both of you want to badly enough. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear A.: If I could ride in on my broom and save you I would. However, we both know that I can’t do that. We also know what your mom is doing it all wrong. That’s glaringly clear. And beyond that we know she thinks she is doing the right thing and is never going to listen to either of us. You deserve so much better…that’s another thing we both know.

Have as much fun as you can away from her and try not to get in her way at home. I know it’s a jail but you just have to hang in there until you can get out on your own safely. Remember this, running away is not safe. Kids die on the streets every day that thought things couldn’t get any worse…until they did.

Your mom is robbing you of the opportunity to learn how to make you own decisions and how to take care of yourself. When you do leave home, that is going to put you at a serious disadvantage. You will be out of there is four years. I know that sounds like forever…but I have been on my own for 67 years! You have a lot of independence to look forward to. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear S.: Your mother is responsible for you and she is scared. She’s trying to protect you from all of the awful things that happen to teens these days. You already know that.

I agree that you deserve some privacy and a chance to grow up. However what I think doesn’t help you. She is robbing you of the chance to start making your own decisions and to learn from them before you are on your own. She just doesn’t see it that way. You are totally stuck with whatever she decides until you are 18. This is happening more and more and it’s because teens are becoming victims of all kinds of horrible crimes.

Do the best you can to not fight with her because that just makes everything worse. And whatever you do, don’t run away. Kids die on the streets every day that thought they could improve their lives.

When you are of age, get the heck out of there and do your best to learn as you go. And when you have your own family, don’t make their home a jail and pat yourself on the back for doing that. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear A.: It isn’t going to help any but I get letters from kids like you every day. You may not know anyone who is being jailed for being a teenager (without a trial) but it is getting to be a huge problem. Mothers are terrified. They know what happens to some kids and they pledge themselves to keep their own children from harm. It is love-based but it also abuse, from my point of view.

You need to have your own friends and some freedom to start to make your own choices. That’s how people mature. Does she want you to stay dependent? If so, why? You are going to go out into the world at a serious disadvantage.

There is absolutely nothing you can do about it. Some kids leave home and think the streets are a better place. They aren’t. Every day of the year, kids die on the streets…horrible deaths. You have to stay until you are old enough to leave and then you are going to have to catch up because she isn’t giving you a chance to grow up…make decisions…make mistakes, and learn from them. I was given too much freedom. Does that sound great? Well, it wasn’t. It was terrifying. There is a happy medium and some kids are lucky enough to be raised by wise parents. My guess, they are few and far between.

Hang in there…you will be on your own in three years. I left home (went to college) at age 18 and I am now 84. That means that I have been “free” for 66 years. The best is yet  ahead. Count on it! Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear M.: Love can sure get twisted and over protection can actually do damage. You are pretty much in jail for having committed no offense.

You have to wait it out. Your mother is in charge. She’s totally wrong but she’s still in charge. Running away may cost you your life. Kids die on the streets every day that thought things couldn’t get any worse until they did.

You are very mature in your perceptions. Your mother does love you and she is trying to keep you safe. What she doesn’t know is that you need to make friends, go out, and make decisions on your own or you will be unprepared for adulthood. That’s what the teen years are for…to practice at making your own way and to learn how to do that in an environment that supports you.

Hang in there. I am 85 years old. I have had 67 years to do as I please, since I left home at 18. You will, too. Count on it. I had way too much freedom when I was your age and that was pretty scary, too. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear L.: Do not run away. Kids die on the streets every day that thought their lives were so terrible that anything would be better. Not so!

You are right and your mom is wrong. I know that doesn’t bring much comfort. You know she means well and you know she is making a huge mess of your life. She’s in charge…she makes the rules. You really are her prisoner. You are mature enough to know that she is trying to protect you.

There is no way I know of to stop her from doing it in a destructive way. You just have to wait her out until you get our from under her power-trip and create a life of your own.

Once that happens you will find that it’s not as simple as it looks. Being responsible for your self can be hard work. Where your mother is really dropping the ball is in not giving you a chance to think for yourself and become responsible a little at a time. I can guarantee that one day she will regret it. You and I both know you deserve so much better. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear H.: What a wonderful friend you are. All I can think of for you to tell him is that hate only hurts the hater. Where there is hate…joy cannot enter and it’s just not worth it. His dad is moving on with his life. You friend should move on with his.

On the other hand it doesn’t make any sense to me for anyone to ever attend a wedding unless it is to celebrate the union of the couple being married. He can’t do that, so I think it would be dishonest to go. Just my take on it…someone else would probably disagree. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear R.: You are being very honest with yourself. It’s hard to see other people get the breaks sometimes and you are facing how it is affecting you to see your friend being so successful. Tell her that, if you can. I bet she will say that if the same thing happened in reverse, she would have trouble with it, too.

There are many kinds of success and some show up more than others. For instance, I seldom meet a young person who is so aware of her feelings and can be as honest as you are about them. I admire that and I think in the long run you may find that it is something that will contribute more to your success than singing with a band. You are the one who decides if you’re good enough. No one else knows. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear A.: These things can fast become a mess when so many people are involved. Some may be telling the truth and some may be making it up and it’s just pretty difficult to get a fix on it.

I think it might be hard on a boy to have to relate to someone two grades ahead of him. Girls often get past shyness sooner than boys do and you’re already two years ahead of him.

My perspective would be to get it go and see what, if anything, happens. He knows you like him and I think it’s up to him, now, to decide what that might mean or not mean to him.

Also, I’d suggest that you keep your eyes open and see who else might interest you. There are a lot of options and you may have fun just looking around. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear A.: One of the hardest things for me to get in this life is that what other people think and do is not about you, it’s about them. There is absolutely no way to figure out what they are thinking, either. Often they can’t explain it themselves.

The way out of the misery that you describe, and I am all too familiar with it, is to get that you are in charge of your own joy. You can see things in many different ways…but/and you do choose which way you see them.

Your mother doesn’t give you value, you give it to yourself. She’s just fine exactly the way she is, that’s the bad news but the good news is, so are you. Look to see what you can think and do that would bring you pleasure and a sense of well-being and then smoother yourself in kindness. Decide for your self that you’re good enough, that’s what self-love is and it is absolutely wonderful, once we get the hang of it. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear J.: You need more help than I can give you with one response. Talk to your counselor at school about this and your minister. You have six more years to put up with Monster-mom and cutting isn’t going to cut it.

By the way,  you write extremely well. You’re quite talented. Did you know that?

Your mother is a mess. You’re right. And you deserve so much better. I agree. And still she’s what you’re stuck with. Running away is about the dumbest thing you can do because kids die on the streets every day that thought things couldn’t be any worse and then found out, too late, that they could.

You can’t put yourself up for adoption, so don’t worry about leaving your friends. They are what you need to focus on…not what’s so awful. Focus on what’s great…being loved by them and loving them in return. That’s the only way though what you are stuck with that I know of. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear A.: There may be legal ways to make your son come home but there are very few ways to keep him there against his will. If you would feel better having him closer by, please know that at this time it may not bring him closer in other ways.

We can’t control how others see us, or the world. That includes our children. They have their own view and we simply can’t change that.  As your son struggles to find himself, you may need to focus on the fact that you were a whole person before you were a parent and you can be whole again. He is not the source of your value and wellbeing, you are. Look to what you want and need. You are luckier than many to have a place to live during tough financial times. None of it is easy because life isn’t. You deserve so much better. Find ways to love and honor yourself. That is the only way I know of to not get stuck in loss and self-pity. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear S.: The first thing to do is to get that you didn’t do anything wrong. Have faith in yourself.  You’re a wonderful person that deserved so much better but/and you are going to have to learn to give it to yourself.  In the end we all have to learn to do that because we simply can’t live our lives at the effect of other people’s whims and hang-ups.

It’s not your job to fix the relationship. Your dad left the track of a rational person when you entered your teens. It doesn’t matter why…and your mother, whatever her reasons, choose not to take him on. It really doesn’t matter what set him off…fear of your coming into your own, whatever. What you did after that to survive was just that, survival.

Parents are just humans doing their best and for some, including my own, their best leaves lot to be desired. I think counseling might be a great help to you as you sort this out and get what a wonderful person you are. It sure was a big help to me. Most of your life lies ahead. Good for you for going to college and for writing to me. Doing so shows that you know who you are and that you know you deserve better. Way better. Blessings, Luise