Answer: Dear C.: One thing none of us can do is make something work. It has to be a team effort. If he is willing, it’s time for some couples counseling. You got a rough start and it sounds like you need to work on your communication skills so you both can sort out what your goals are and if your needs are being met. Drifting is only going to create a wider gulf between you and both of you deserve better. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear S.: I think it’s probably marriage counselor time. Your arguments are probably not “it” but rather the arena where the friction, tension, fatigue, frustration, dissatisfaction (or none of the above) shows up. Young kids can wear on you. If your wife works and they are in day-care there can be a lot of pressure and she may be worn out and not even know it. I’d start sorting it out with a third-party professional.

The age thing may be in the way a bit if you are more mature. I was 62 and Val was 78 when we married in 1989 and we were both pretty solid by then. Also our kids were gone and we were retired…lots of plusses. You are probably near the peak of your career and she may be on overwhelm. Just guessing. Whatever it is, the price is too high and you need to address it and if possible, resolve it. I agree. Blessings, Luise

More information about the show is below:

NOW CASTING a non-airing pilot looking to bring families back together! We are looking for women who are tired of their marriage/engagement and family life suffering because of their mother-in-law and want to mend the relationship. Our world-renowned in-law expert can help! Please contact us immediately! Seeking women ages 18-40. Please send us your name, city of residence (must live in southern CA), how long you’ve been married/engaged, what MIL issues you have, and a photo of you and your fiance/husband.

Those who choose to participate will receive thousands of dollars worth of free therapy as well as $1,000 compensation.  Anyone and everyone who meets the criteria is encouraged to apply.  Have friends that need help? Tell us about it!

*Must be a legal US resident, 18+, and live in southern CA.

Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions.

Thanks!

Krystal Whitney
castingmotherinlaws@gmail.com

Answer: Dear Krystal: OK. I have posted it. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear J. You need to get a restraining order. Go to the police and tell them about your situation. This is a serious matter, a crisis, and not something to be addressed here. See an attorney as well. Protect yourself. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear M.: I don’t have any legal training. The mediator and attorney do. You son has to put up a big fuss, let them know the cruel and unnecessary treatment his “ex” is giving him and get it straightened out. He has rights and he needs to exercise them. He deserves a lot better than what he’s getting. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear R. First of all let me wish you a very happy forty-seventh birthday. Please come over to my Web-forum: www.wisewomenunite.com. Friends await!

Your son is an adult and he is making his own choices and decisions. Unfortunately, they make sense to him. Your role, as painful as it may be to carry through, is to let go. He picked an insecure woman for a partner. It sounds to me like she is seeing you and treating you as she either sees and treats her own mother or would like to. It also looks like she s passing that poison on to your grand children.

This is your son’s world. You are not part of it except to be someone who is abused and used. Peace of mind probably doesn’t lie there, nor does hope. They have their dynamics and you are just a symbol to be battered for their own purposes.

Peace will come with knowing you can’t do anything about it. Letting go and turning toward the love and understanding your other children offer is where you will thrive. What a blessing that you have them, many don’t. Let their love nurture you and let your memories of your oldest son prior to all of this bring you joy. To pursue trying to change the situation or even understand it will just take you down and you deserve a lot better. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear A.: Yours is a question I would like to see discussed on my web-forum where you will get a variety of answers as well as mine. Please go over to: www.wisewomenunite.com . See you there!  Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear H.: You need legal advice about this. I’m not an attorney. Check and see where you can get free legal help…like Legal Aid, for instance. It’s very important that you find an advocate, so you know what your rights are and how you can defend yourself and your daughter. Also, please come over to my web-forum if you’d like to and share this with the women there. www.wisewomenunite.com They might be able to help. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear Z.: We are all selfish to some extent; we have to be to survive. Your relationship was new and untested. I think your boyfriend held up pretty well and earned his trip.

It’s a horror beyond belief to lose a young friend…but it’s your horror, not his. Relationships often collapse due to unfulfilled expectations; you expected him to continue to defer to you…he expected to get on with his life. (Or something similar.)

To break up over it is a “my way or the highway” act. Apparently the relationship wasn’t worth pursuing in your eyes. I think you sister is probably right but a better word for it might be immature. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear J. What a double tragedy. I’m so sorry. I think you should see a good lawyer to find out if you have any recourse available at all. I simply don’t know.

I would also suggest that you bring your heartbreak over to my Web-forum. It’s at: www.wisewomenunite.com You will find both wisdom and compassion there. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear R.: If you have read my bio, you know that I am not a psychologist. All I can offer is the possibly of some distance from your conflict and the benefit of my life experience. So, please bear that in mind.

I have carefully read the email exchange you forwarded to me between you and your son, as well as what your DIL has written on the subject in defense of your son.

Very seldom is anything of this nature resolved through email; it is too unilateral. There are no facial expressions and no tone of voice or body language input to promote mutual understanding. Misinterpretations and assumptions that reinforce each person’s conviction that he/she is “right “can’t help but be rampant. Therefore, one-on-one sessions are the best venue…or arbitration involving a skilled counselor, if that breaks down.

That said, I don’t think any of this is about your time with your granddaughters; that’s just the battlefield where it’s being played out. More than likely it’s about supremacy and retaliation.

You can’t stand to be around your ex and that is something that’s getting in your way. You think your son should understand your brokenness and adapt. That’s about supremacy. Your son can’t forgive you for the conflict your divorce brought to his childhood and thinks you should understand his brokenness. That’s getting in his way and is fueling retaliation.

Both of the above are gross over-simplifications, of course, but they probably come pretty close to describing the basic dynamics. Also, some of what’s going on may be unconscious on one or both sides, to make matters more complex.

Bottom line: if peace is your mutual priority, you and your son need to agree to work through your present perceptions by addressing the past and moving through it. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear B.: Emotionally charged incidents are very hard to deal with in the heat of the moment and they are even harder to undo. You describe it as “over-blown” but it’s my guess that your DIL probably would not see it that way.

Who knows what is going on beneath the surface? Your DIL may be jealous of your daughter and if she is, she may not even be aware of those feelings.

You in turn, told your daughter. How could that possibly do anything but make things  worse? I know it’s hard, but you need to take responsibility for doing that.

It takes a lot of maturity to get that we all have multiple feelings and reactions that can be triggered for reasons we may or may not be aware of. “What’s going on in me is not your fault” is often a difficult principle to get because it sure feels like someone else is to blame.

If your heart is broken and you are depressed much of the time, you probably need to put yourself back together before you can put your family back together. You have found that your DIL has feet of clay. OK. Now your job is to love her anyway. You have feet of clay, too. So does your daughter. We don’t have to forgive each other for that…we just have to get that it is universal and not focus too long or too hard on one person or one incident.

You are the adult here. Offer your DIL and your daughter a role model and move on. The way to do that is to pass on judgment and being right. No matter how well you can document your position, let it go. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear M.: I would create distance and let them work it out. They may not be able to, you know. Some mothers and daughters stay locked in combat permanently.

There’s no reason on earth for you to have to take what your girlfriend’s mother is dishing out…and has since day one. And being in the middle looks like a dangerous place to be…to me. Enough with the threats, intrusions, judgments, attitudes, attacks and endless crises.

I would suggest that you focus on getting your life back. Be pro-active regarding your own goals the way you were before this all started. Give your girlfriend her life back to do whatever works for her. What she’s doing at present, doesn’t work for you.

It is easy to fall in love. However, living with that person can prove to be something else altogether. When it’s right…it isn’t a continuous struggle. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear K.: She called you on Monday but you didn’t respond until Saturday? That’s five days. You may have a good reason for the delay but she may think you weren’t very interested. Now, two days after you got back to her, the shoe is on the other foot and you’re upset that she hasn’t gotten back to you. Look closely at that.

Give her some time and if she doesn’t call, leave one more message explaining that the delay after you heard from her didn’t reflect disinterest…and you’d love to see her. She may get back to you or she may not. You may have blown it.

It’s very perceptive of you to see that you are probably storing resentment from a non-productive relationship and carrying it over into this situation. Good for you for catching that. Some people are just thoughtless and unkind. You need to stop sending communications that don’t bring about a positive result. You’re doing the right thing with letters and cards…but you have to find the person who appreciates it, and you. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear E. There are kids who expect us to have no limits and to be able to take anything they dish out for as long as they choose to keep doing that. Some of us have thicker skins than others. And many parents, teachers and counselors question a teenager’s right to be constantly and openly abusive. I’m not sure who is right…if anyone. In all probability, each situation is unique.

I’m sorry that you lost it. It doesn’t sound like you can reverse it unless your son decides to come back on his own…which he may do. It looks like he may have been playing you and your “ex” against each other. No kid should have that kind of power, but it happens. Blessings, Luise

Arguing every day wouldn’t work for me but we’re all different. If I had only been with someone for 5 months and we argued every day, it wouldn’t matter to me what he said about loving me…I would be concerned that one or both of us weren’t satisfied with the way things were going and quite possibly we weren’t a match.

See if you can talk about this. Find out how he feels about it and what you can do to fix it, unless you both like living in a war zone. The “I love you, do you love me?” dialogue doesn’t get to the issue (s) so you can move on to resolution. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear J.: Every time I hear about someone “wanting space”, it really worries me. What I have seen over and over is that it’s the beginning of the end and the person asking for “space” just can’t bring himself to say it’s over. I know that’s not what you wanted to hear.

The way to get through such times is communication but if there are too many times like you are now facing…the relationship disintegrates. It’s really easy to think that a relationship can withstand anything and everything and survive…but few do. People get really tired of conflict.

I doubt that what you do or don’t do at this time will make much difference. The ball is in his court. Hang in there and if you get another chance, ask for less and give more. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear .R: I have a web-Forum where you can interact with me and with others on this subject. What you describe has been brought to my attention so many times that I started my Forum for that reason. Please join us at: http://www.motherinlawsuite.com

There are insecure and immature DILs out there that are committed to proving supremacy when it isn’t even an issue to their MILs at all. (And yes, I know there are MILs out there, as well, who do the same thing to DILs who have no such hang ups and just want to get along and be accepted.)

It isn’t about what you say or do, how you react or talk or what you buy. You are a symbol to your DIL of her husband’s former life, loyalty and happiness. For that reason, (and it’s no reason of all, of course,) no matter how nice you are or how much you cooperate, you need to be rejected at every turn by her and if possible, eliminated from his life. Please do not try to find any logic in it. It’s pathological not logical.

Your son is part of a new family unit and can’t do much about any of it. She’s who and what he married.

Your youngest son and husband are probably right, but you can only back away when you can stand to do that. It’s a truly horrible loss to have to face and learn to live with. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear S. I know this is going to sound pretty drastic but I think I would raise the money somehow and to go see my son. I would take copies of all of the emails with me plus a record of the calls I tried to put through to him. I would get it from him directly that he is on the same page as your DIL and her mother. It is his child, too. They can’t make such proclamations independently. And she can’t be allowed to stop his communications. He has to know what is going on and agree with her or he needs to immediately take action to change to status quo.

I wouldn’t let him know I was coming and I would seek him out at work. If the door is closed, so be it. But why? You got his permission to download the picture on MySpace. How can his MIL veto that? Either he doesn’t know what they are trying to do to you, or he has changed his mind about the picture without telling you plus he’s decided not to talk to you. What are the odds? Would he really go along with your being excommunicated for doing what you got permissions to do? And please remember that it was a loving act. You have to know what he does and doesn’t know about all of this groundless hysteria and unfounded cruelty. And your DIL has to know that you aren’t so easily out-manipulated and sent packing. She can’t write your name down and draw a lie though it!

You’re the true adult here. I would suggest that you set an example and confront this. Before you head for home, make arrangements with him to call you weekly at a specific time, giving you the number where he is calling from at that time so you can call him right back on your dime.  Don’t let her do this again. You can’t keep running to the East Coast and you’re his mom, for heaven’s sake!

I would also like to suggest that you bring your issue to my web-Forum for additional support. The URL is: http://www.motherinlawsunite.com  It is not a DIL-bashing site; it is for problem solving and better understanding. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear T.: You are a very perceptive and honest person to see that sometimes you are baiting your guy and enjoying it.

It’s time to go back to the drawing board. A combative relationship takes way too much energy and produces tons of grief. When you abuse another, you also abuse your self. Talk with him and let him know that you want to work through it but you both need help. Live separately for a while and get counseling.

There are marriages out there that last a lifetime based on “sometimes things are good between us.” That’s not good enough. Blessings, Luise