Answer: Dear A.: Your question is way out of my depth. I have no training. However, I have listened. And since I have had a life-long battle with self worth, (or the lack thereof), I know you are between a rock and a hard place. You only have one enemy and she’s wearing your shoes.

Self worth isn’t external. It’s something you are going to have to create. I would get the best darn counselor on the planet and go for it. I don’t know but it looks to me like you yearn for validation and then when it’s offered, you bolt. That may be because, as much as you want it, you don’t believe it.

What I do know is that your whole life is ahead of you and it’s not working. I’m 85…you don’t want 55 more years of what you have had so far. Fight for yourself! You wrote a very cogent letter and you are very perceptive regarding your struggle. The truth as I see it, is only you have the ability to build self-respect and inner joy. And you probably are going to need help to do it. An advocate with the right training can help you break the patterns that you have created. Your mother didn’t create it. People can have terrible mothers and still do well. And when you break the pattern, friends won’t be a problem.

You deserve so much better. Learn to love yourself and laugh at yourself and even sing to yourself. Whatever it takes. I did it. You can, too. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear S.: I think you are wise to put the past behind you and not say anything about it. We are all different, physically, so if the subject comes up, just say you are how you are and have never given it much thought. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear L.: What your SIL is into is about her, not you. It doesn’t matter why she’s doing it. It probably makes sense to her and under her rationalization I suspect there’s a feeling of jealousy…whether realistic or not. You can’t change any of that or help her with it.

What you can do is get that your own feelings of hurt are about you and you can do something about those. They probably have more to do with your family of origin and the issues that never got resolved.

Be kind to yourself and love yourself through this by holding your head high and putting a smile on your face. Be kind to her. You matter to me. That’s why I’m sitting here writing to you. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear E.: More often than most of us realize, we find we have to choose between two courses of action, neither of which appeals to us. We want things to be different, so we can have different choices.

I happen to believe in the value and dignity of every human being. I think you do, too, or you would have knuckled under your mother’s rule to please your family…instead of writing to me.

They have the right, all of them, including your mother, to their point of view and they may all disown you. However, to keep that from happening you are going to have to disown yourself. You are a precious being. Everyone is. Your mom is, too, but/and she has elected to follow a course of action that is abusive…in the name of love. You and I know it is abuse.

You are an adult with a college degree and you have a dad that understands what you are up against. Your decision to get on with your life is yours to make because as an adult it is now entirely your business. There is good reason your dad didn’t participate in your upbringing, how could he?

If you have the courage, and I think you do, honor and respect yourself and move out of what can only be described as a pathological environment. You deserve so much better. Give it to yourself. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear M.: You have done with the first half of your life what you chose to do. Some would commend you and some would see it as arrested development. How others see you is not the issue. The issue is that you have led a peaceful, useful life and many who might laugh, haven’t done as well.

Now you find yourself where you knew you would end up…alone and lacking the ambition or energy to get on with your life as an independent person. What you do with that is up to you, of course. Your life isn’t over unless you say it is…and your mother gave you life; remember that.

I think your sharing this with me is very important. And I think you might benefit from interacting with a supportive, online community…if you can stand that my Web-forum is about 99% women, (mostly because a lot of men don’t want to face and deal with their feelings.) You would be very welcome, of that I can assure you. www.WiseWomenUnite.com Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear J. You can either let go of the history you have with your adult children and get that you are worth saving or this is going to eat you up. You can’t change any of it. All you can change is yourself. If you want to stop crying, and I agree that you have good reason to, you can focus on finding a way to be useful. Go to church, volunteer in the nursery, whatever. It’s about getting out of your self and back into life. No one can do it for you but the effort can bring you peace and fulfillment. Your life isn’t over and your value as an individual is still very real. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear P.: This is the kind of question that I refer to my Web-forum because you can get more that one answer by doing that. Go to: www.wisewomenunite.com

You will find a very loving and understanding community there. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear A.: Putting something on Facebook is like publishing it in the New York Times or worse. What were you thinking? Or weren’t you thinking at all? How else was your Mom supposed to take that?

You need to apologize to your Mom and tell her the truth, which is, as I see it, that you were/are overwhelmed with all of the changes in your life and all of the demands being made on you…and your were way off base. If your brother is her favorite, so what? You are an adult and have a life of your own and are learning to be a better parent by watching the dynamics between them.

If you’re going to hate anyone, hate yourself for your Facebook indescetion…and then forgive yourself and let it go. Better days are ahead, I’m sure. What you’ve been going through is really tough. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear M.: It seems to me that if all of this is coming up for you now, it may be time for some serious counseling. That’s a lot of trauma over a long period of time and you might feel much better if you could work through it and let go of as much of it as possible. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear Y. Do you think knowing why your mother does that is going to make it any better? Some women were yelled at and put down by their own mothers and are staying with a familiar pattern…(although I don’t know how they can see such horrible behavior as acceptable.) Some want their grown children to remain dependent and think that abuse will do it. Some are just plain mean.

There are probably several other explanations but that’s not where you need to focus. You need to find an advocate to help you to remove yourself from that toxic environment. Be your own best friend and go to a counselor for support. No one deserves to be treated like that. She may be your mother…but she’s wrong. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear F.: There is usually nothing any of us can do to make someone else do what we wish or be how they aren’t. That’s pretty much their business and permanent change is unlikely. Our expectations belong to us, not them.

You picked a guy that is not interested in helping raise his kids. He also feels he can tell you what to do and you will comply. If you don’t, threatening you seems totally reasonable to him. A few generations back that was pretty much par for the course. (I remember it well in the 1940s when I married.) Men earned a living, supported the family and played golf (or whatever.) Fathering children was biological and the raising of them was “women’s work.” Your husband sounds like a “throw-back.”

You did not mention how it is for you to be married to him…beyond finding it hard to “obey” his most recent “command.” It sounds like your father is cut out of a similar piece of cloth, which is probably no surprise. He thinks your marriage and your husband’s behavior is his business. If I am reading it right, neither of them appears overly concerned with how all of their posturing is affecting you.

Are you up for a declaration of independence? Can you even consider telling your father that what goes on in your marriage is none of his business and can you follow that up by telling your husband that he can make decrees until the cows come home, but your relationship with your family is your business, not his? If not, it’s time for you to seek some serious one-on-one counseling. This is a new century. If you don’t want to pass these dynamics on to your children, they need a different role model.

Look closely at the other option; it involves disowning your family of origin, meekly and willingly, like a good “wifey” should. What’s wrong with that picture? Someplace along the line you have lost any sense of self-worth and self-direction. Most of us need to create value in ourselves before we can ask much respect from others. They take their cue from us. Writing to me is a step in the right direction. Keep going…you deserve better and so do your kids. Blessings. Luise

Answer: Dear G.: Well, first of all, congratulate yourself that you have stepped away from it far enough to wonder what you can do about it. That’s unusual. Most hating is reinforced by justification and rationalization and blaming…(being right)…which not only keeps it in place but expands it. You are way ahead of all of that. Good for you!

When we hate someone, and it happens to all of us, we can look inside ourselves to see what it is pointing at. By that I mean…it can show us what we believe and value. That’s a good thing. We can also see that everyone doesn’t believe the same thing, and the person you hate my not be on the same track as you are.

The hard part, at least for me, is getting that we need to have that person be the way they are. We have a lot to say about how we are but very little to say about others. Sometimes we can’t get away from the person we hate because it’s a family member, neighbor, boss or teacher. We may not have a choice and will have to learn to put up with the hateful feelings that have come to the surface.

Others can sometimes help. It usually doesn’t hurt to ask, but hate is a pretty personal thing. What, if anything, is within your own control? What can you do to change things? Can you act differently to lessen the burden of the situation? Look carefully to be sure you aren’t making thing worse for yourself.

Beyond all of that, know it won’t last forever and talk to someone if you can. Sharing it can make a big difference. Blessings, Luise

My suggestion is that you learn to graciously put up with it when they see each other socially and kid around. That’s the answer; no matter how hard it seems, rise above it. Everything else is great and you don’t want any feelings of insecurity to get in the way of your being the wonderful woman he loves and the person he has chosen to be the mother of his child. As you mature, you will feel better and better about yourself and wonder why you ever had one jealous thought. You can do it. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear G.: What a tragedy. We all behave badly at times but to be punished for a lifetime is totally out of proportion to the crime. Quite often adult children have a double standard…they can be human and make mistakes but their parents can’t.

You have a situation that you can’t live with and you can’t change. No matter how many people you ask or how many ways you try to resolve it, it looks like learning to live with it is your only option. That may entail a lot of counseling before you see the light at the end of the tunnel.

People face this kind of thing, physically, when a disability changes their experience of life. My guess is that you are going to have to look at your loss like a disability. You may need to see yourself as someone who has been in a terrible accident and who was left a psychological paraplegic or worse. Your grandchildren by that son have been amputated from your reality.

Please come over to my web-Forum: http://www.motherinlawsunite.com where we can interact and where you will have the opportunity to get additional input from  others, as well. Just copy and paste your story there. Blessings, Luise

It doesn’t sound to me like anything is going to change soon when your mother in law has the run of the upstairs, which is your domain. Even if you got her a computer of her own and started doing all of the dog walks and childcare, I doubt that she would stay downstairs until invited up.

Yelling and name-calling is who you are when you are doing it. There are lots of other ways to react and there’s also the option not to react at all Certainly it isn’t what your son needs to see, hear or learn to copy and I’m sure it’s a side of yourself that you dislike and don’t want to own.

The best way I know of to address that (or anything else you want to modify) is to use hypnotherapy. I would suggest you go to: http://www.hypnosisdownloads.com/?3637  Look specifically under the Hypnotherapy heading for Anger Management. I use hypnotherapy myself when I need help in working through personal issues.

In addition, when illness dictates how you perform your duties…that should be your business. You are absolutely right about that. Telling your mother in law politely would be a great improvement but that isn’t the point. The point is she knows what upsets you and what you want and she is ignoring that.

No matter what it costs you financially or how much it inconveniences you, move away to your own separate residence. Once you have done that, you can work at gaining the maturity to modify your temper and reactive behavior.

If you would like to enter into discussion about this, please feel free to come on over to my new web Forum: www.motherinlawsunite.com Daughter in laws are more than welcome because the goal of the site is mutual understanding and problem solving. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear M.: Unfortunately, I think you did just answer your own question.

No matter how you separate yourself from your children’s father, he will still have that title and be part of their lives . Through them, you will necessarily have to stay connected to some degree, even after they are grown and married with kids of their own.

Certainly improvements can be made by not having them with him continually…because you know better than anyone else that what you have described is a variety of abuse.

My heart goes out to you. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear C. It sounds to me like you are getting frustrated with a relationship that is no longer fulfilling. If that is true, I don’t blame you. Five years is a half a decade of accepting the crumbs that have been tossed you way while he gets to have his cake and eat it, too.

You are definitely in a secondary position and it clearly isn’t working for you to think that you have anything to say about how he conducts himself when he’s not with you. You can’t give him permission to be with his wife, not really. It is just as unreasonable for him to think that he can give you permission to look elsewhere.

It’s probably time to look more closely at your last remark, where you ask if you aren’t deserving of much more. You certainly are but it’s not reasonable to think it’s going to come from what you now have (and don’t have.) Five years haven’t given you any more status than your first encounter did.

Whatever you do, there is going to be pain and loss involved. If you stay, you are going to continue to limit your experience of life and if you go, you are going to have to give up a love that has been very meaningful to you. Blessings, Luise

Your MIL was your husband’s first love. I remember when my DIL finally told me that when she met me and saw my son and me together…she said to herself, “OK, I can be number two!” We both laugh about it now but she was pretty intimidated by the depth of our relationship. (If you go to my home page and read my bio, there’s a picture of us together there…he’s my Webmaster.)

The answer is that there can be two Number Ones. Your MIL had and still has her place in your husband’s life and heart but you are just as important in a different way. You could never give him what she did, which was life and a safe and loving upbringing but you can give him what she can’t, which is a life partner…someone to parent with and grow old with.

He’s no longer her “little boy.” They both have a memory of that but to continue in the adult world they must move past it to being friends and equals…(sometimes not an easy transition.) She is his past and present…you are his present and future. Perhaps jealousy is normal. Why not? Both of you hold him in deep regard, and he feels the same way. What causes pathology is the need for exclusivity in either mother or wife…or worse yet, both. In the ensuing battle for supremacy, the guy often has to choose and usually it’s all down hill from there.

What I was impressed with in your question was your ability to see yourself so clearly. Do you know how rare that is? We can usually work our way through anything we can define and confront. Denial is what messes with us and stops progress.

My son emails me daily and sometimes we Skype. It’s a stream of consciousness that keeps us current and feeling mutually supported. He lives in Hawaii and I live in Washington State, so email is a great puddle-jumper. His wife emails me as often and I get to have the daughter I never had. I keep my husband, who is 97, posted on everything that is going on with them, even though he can’t remember most of it for very long anymore.

Your husband wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for his mother…but his life would probably be empty and without purpose without you. Take a deep breath and get how irreplaceable you both are and then l look in the mirror and laugh at and with yourself. You’re wonderful! Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear A.: This is a question to take to you priest or minister. Adoption may be the best option. Becoming a responsible adult is often a difficult task for many of us. It was for me. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear G. It is often really difficult to deal with the dynamics of two families interacting. Your son has a wife and children. They are a separate unit…yet your relationship with him and your desire to be part of your grandsons’ lives overlap. On top of that, they are obviously having difficulties and you see the results of that everywhere.

You know you are not at fault…you are just a handy person to blame. Please keep reminding yourself of that.

Instead of telling your son your complaints, (which certainly sound valid to me), it might help to ask your him how you can best be a part of his adult life. He may have some ideas regarding how to integrate you into his child rearing. Certainly, the marriage and the raising of his children are his primary concern and he is going to great lengths to make up for his wife’s inadequacies on all fronts. If he doesn’t see your contribution and if he listens to his wife’s take on you, he may feel that it all just too much. What he has taken on sounds nearly impossible to me. Still it’s his life and his choice, always.

Don’t add to his stress. I know that it’s hard to accept the fact that he may not have the time or energy to try to factor you into what’s going on but that’s probably the case. He is trying to hold it all together at great cost to himself. It may be wise to back off while letting him know that he can continue to count on you to help him out. Blessings, Luise