Answer: Dear L.: It looks to me like you are dealing with a double standard here. “Boys will be boys” but woman are supposed to above such things. For an outside observer, it probably looks stupid and disgusting no matter who is doing it.

It’s not doing you any good to dwell on the past. You are in the “now” and no one is acting like a fool at the moment. You are both capable of it but it sounds like your husband wants the exclusive right.

It’s a choice, always, whether or not to get stuck in the role of the victim. He is choosing to see you in a new light and can’t get over it…and you are stuck in the role of the one previously wronged over and over again and expected to forget it. Both of you are licking your wounds when neither of you, as far as I can see, has a leg to stand on.

This could be seen as a wake-up call for both of you, if you decide you want to put a positive spin on it. People who drink occasionally, remember what they said and did. You are both in a different league. What do you want to do with that information? Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear A.: You are wise to look at how each of you views money. Many relationships crash because people thought “it will work itself out” instead of working it out before making a commitment. Things like not agreeing on money issues don’t magically resolve themselves with marriage vows…they destroy marriages.

You’ve actually been together a short amount of time. Keep doing what you’re doing. Look for compatibility in as many areas as possible. Talk about it. See the areas where you differ seriously on important issues as red flags. Give your combined, full attention to resolving those things before you decide that a life partnership is the way you want to go. Being in love and happy doesn’t replace compatibility or transcend it. You can love someone you can’t permanently build a future with. Be careful. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear S.: This is the kind of mess people can get into when they start having children when they are still children themselves. Growing up is difficult. Trying to be a parent at that time is hard on everyone concerned…including the babies.

You have a guy who isn’t perfect. You aren’t either…you left him, too. There are no guarantees. However, it feels to me like you have something between the two of you that is valuable and, as you mature, may become something reliable. To my way of thinking, mature people don’t sleep around, kids do. If you see that kind of behavior in “adults”, they are still kids at heart and have failed to become responsible.

Is your guy even sure he’s the father of that young girl’s child? Has a test been done, since she has obviously been sleeping around?

Talk with him. He may be getting as tired of all of this as you are. See if you can’t marry and start over and do a better job of communicating and supporting each other this time. Your family will probably like him well enough if you can pull it together in a way that works. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear T.: It looks to me like your guy doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you any longer, He is obviously conflicted about ending it because you say he sometimes still refers to the Soul Mate thing. All of that “on again off again” stuff is about him, not you.

Another word for meanness is abuse. What you decide to do about being abused is about you, because the only person who can stop it is you. Not by getting him to change but by finding some other way to live your life. Being a target of someone else’s rage is not much of an existence and that’s what’s causing your suffering.

Move on. He’s no longer the person you hooked up with. All you’ve got is “how it used t be.” You would never pick this guy! Blessings, Luise

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Question: Dear: Luise: My husband and I married very young we have two kids. We have been married for 8yrs now. We have had our ups and downs and have been all around with one another like most marriages. We have just bought a house. We have not had a perfect marriage like my Sister in Law. We had a small wedding but I have loved ever second of it from the moment I said I do. To day I watched his Sister’s baby and he is such a good baby I love him with all of my hart and so does he. He looked at me and said she has ever thing perfect, life ever since she was a little kid, cheerleader, collage, perfect wedding, house, boat, job her husbands owns a business and they are going to be making millions not kidding when I say that, cars, perfect get a ways, their kid is a really good kid. As for my husband he has had done drugs when he was a teenager (does not now) we had a lot of ruff times. I would not trade it for the world. Then I asked so do you regret marrying me? He said no but I wish I had done a lot of things different. Then I said well I don’t think you would have married me and he did not respond he just left. I have not said any thing to him I feel so lost and hopeless and don’t know what to do? I hope I am not taking your time but if you have a chance please tell me what to do? Y.

Answer: Dear Y.: I think we all had some pretty unrealistic expectations regarding marriage and the younger we were, the farther off the mark we probably were.

My son, who is happily married, says that marriage can be compared to a business…with partners, assets and liabilities and a product. He doesn’t deny that love is at the base…but he feels it’s a great deal more complicated than that. I think he may have something there.

I have often heard the saying, “Don’t give an ultimatum unless you are ready to deal with the consequences.” And what is also true is, “Don’t ask a questions if you aren’t prepared to accept the answers.”

Regarding your sister in law, we never know what another person’s life is all about or what the future holds for them. It’s always “apples and oranges” because we can’t see the big picture.

Talk to your guy. Find out what’s working for him in your marriage and what isn’t. See what can be changed. And back away from questions that are probably being asked for reassurance and are producing the opposite effect. Tell him instead, that you want to get past this and you’re sorry for putting him on the spot.

Most of us would change some things if we could go back; that’s just 20/20 hindsight but “what ifs” are useless and are often destructive. Your husband married you happily from his “then” perspective. However, “now” is where you are and “then” has become unreal and unreliable. It’s not where we fix things. Blessings. Luise

Answer: Dear P.: It’s my guess, (and of course that’s all it is), that your boyfriend and his mother are getting so comfortable that “three’s becoming a crowd.” If she’s only 54 and in good health, they are taking care of each other, rather than him being any kind of a caregiver for her.

I think he may want to break his commitment to you and is using his mother as an excuse.  You need to do some very open communication to sort this out and, be careful, he may be in denial and not want to do that.

You’ve been together for a half a decade and this sounds pretty heartless to me. I’m 82 years old and my son would never think of doing that to his long-term, live-in partner. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear S.: There is very little you can do. It is up to them to work it out, one way or the other.
It is their marriage and their daughter. You are not part of any of that.

I don’t know where you live or what the laws are there, but where I live if one person wants a divorce, the other can’t stop it from happening.

This is one of those situations that is very difficult for everyone involved, including his little girl. You have no choice that I can see, except to wait it out. Blessings, Luise

Dear G. I think you know that the guy is pretty “iffy.” By that I mean you can’t be sure “if” he is going to stand by you or of “if” he is going to wander again. He has lots of excuses but he lied to you and more than once. It sounds to me like you are the kind of person who has a lot to give and frankly, I think you and your children deserve more.

If you choose to go on with him, it may all work out well but will you ever feel really secure? He has shown you that he’s untrustworthy. How can that ever change? Either he is or he isn’t. A leopard is not known for changing his spots…not permanently. Blessings, Luise

Question: Dear Luise: Hi, Mom! OK…there is the guy I work with. He used to mess with me by trying to get my attention by yelling “hey” whenever he saw me pass by and trying to make me flinch, tease me, and try to make me laugh. We used to take shots at each other, but only to each other. That aside, we used to talk a lot. Hang out during breaks and lunches and talk after work. Numbers never exchanged though. Then we had this falling out and didn’t talk to each other for maybe like 2-3 months. Now that the drama is dead, he’s back to his messing with me, taking shots at me, and finding ways to get my attention. Lately he’s been on this whole “men are superior to women” thing and he knows the kind of woman I am. So I’m thinking he’s saying this stuff to get on my nerves or maybe he really believes it. Before, he never tried to say anything like that to me. Now, I don’t understand why he would try to get me worked up, especially about equality. We were discussing it and he was really being attentive to what I was saying. And every time I got loud, because I am passionate in what I believe in, he’d tell me he’s listening to me, calm down, and use my indoor voice. Which I thought was cute. The talks we used to have were about work and life and school. Now when we’re non-jokingly talking, I pull back and do not confide in him like I used to. Like when he asked if I was still going to school, I just smiled and shrugged my shoulders. And now all I really do is smile or don’t really react when he tries to mess with me. We still take shots at each other but most of the time I don’t react and when he’s trying to mess with me. I act like I’m not paying attention and then I just start smiling in his face. We look at each other but I don’t think it means anything. If it does, it means we were just looking around and happened to look at each other. So, I’m at a loss…is it me? I do like him. T.

Answer: Dear T. To make any progress both of you are probably going to have to move up a notch and offer each other some direct communication. All of your horsing around, making eye contact and taking shots at each other may be fun but you are both being required to do too much “reading between the lines.”

Look back at your “falling out ” and see what you can learn from that. It must have been serious to cause you both to pull back for months. Your question refers to how it was “before” that and then “after” that, as if was a milepost of some kind. My guess is that you have never talked it through.

You seem to be stuck in playing games. The attention getting and the fake disinterest are both varieties of communication that leave a lot to be desired. No wonder you are at a loss.

Are you up for a confrontation? If so, invite him out for a burger and tell him that you want to know what is going on with him where you are concerned. Make it clear that you are willing to level with him in return. Call him on it. Offer to go to a new level with him if he’s interested, as in no more taking shots at each other and poking fun at serious issues without any supportive dialogue. Tell him that you would like to move on to a mutually respectful friendship. Also, let him know that it’s OK if he’s not interested in that…you’re just done with the other. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear B.: Well, first of all I want to commend you for the insights about yourself that you presented in your question. Do you have any idea how unusual that is? Really! It’s so easy to just notice the other person’s failings and than pass over our own personal shortcomings. I suppose it’s lucky we never get the perfect mate because then where would we be in our imperfection?

You are frustrated by what’s happening in your marriage and I would be, too. And your frustration is showing up in very negative ways that probably make you much less appealing to your husband. At the same time, he is being just as reactive and generally speaking, it’s a mess.

Marrying young works for some people. It often depends on how much maturity has been gained prior to marriage and how much the couple has in common. I had a friend who was mature in kindergarten…I kid you not. She married at 19 and everything went swimmingly. (I hated her for decades.) However, if we don’t know ourselves all that well and if we have a lot of growing up to do, many of us will pick a partner who is in the same fix. That can spell disaster.

What you can do is to get counseling to help you through the growing pains ahead. You need an advocate. My guess is being alone with the problem is what’s causing your bursts of temper…you sound overwhelmed with the direction your marriage is taking. Your guy doesn’t even seem like the person you married and if anyone asked him, he would probably say the same thing about you.

As you get help sorting all of it out, you may find that your relationship is definitely worth saving. Or it’s possible that you will find you can’t do it all yourself and you’re not getting the cooperation you need to go forward. That’s all down the road and not what needs tending to right now.

Good for you for not running. It’s still the first thing I think of at age 82, but at least it’s not the first thing I do…(any longer.) Your husband may be very responsive to your choosing the high road, which is simply growing up. (Simple but not easy for most of us.) In time, he may decide to face the same tigers but some men choose not to and remain little boys until they’re my age and beyond.

Right now…get help and then see where that takes you. I would also suggest that you take your concerns to my second and very new website: Mother In Laws Unite! There is a lot of collective wisdom shaping up there already and I think you could get some much-needed support if you asked for it. Just register (it’s free), log in, and scroll down to where you can compose your own topic. I’m going to do the same thing later today because I just lost my best friend after 45 years of hanging out together through thick and thin and am finding it unbelievably difficult. Blessings, Luise

Question: Dear Luise: I have had so many problems with my mother-in-law. The problem is mainly with my mother-in-law, but occasionally my husband’s grandmother (mother-in-law’s mom), as well. Before my husband and I were even married, my mother-in-law acted so childish and ugly towards me. She would send me emails that she stated were “by mistake”. The emails were about me. She acted like they were meant for a girl my husband had ONE date with several years ago, but in fact my mother-in-law knew exactly who she was sending these emails to. She would write how my husband was sick of me, how he was going to dump me, how happy she was that he was going to finally leave me…..things of that nature. Well, now that we are married, she has gotten even worse. I have talked to my husband about this until im blue in the face. He just tells me that is the way she is, to ignore it. Occasionally, he does talk to her about her actions and she always apologizes, but that doesn’t stop her from doing more ugly things to me. She has never considered us as married. She is a constant bother in our lives and I simply cannot take any more of it. Have you ever heard of anyone leaving her husband due to her mother-in-law’s actions? I honestly love him more than anything in this world, but I can only deal with so much of his mother’s hurtful nature. Help. H.

Answer: Dear H.: What a mess. Yes, I have heard of such a thing, actually. Wonderful people come with awful baggage sometimes. You knew it in advance but now it sounds like it’s really getting old.

A woman who often uses my website recently wrote…”I refuse to let dysfunctional people make MY LIFE dysfunctional.” That pretty much says it all.

One solution that is drastic but not as drastic as divorce to my way of thinking is to relocate. My children’s father and I did that ages ago when we only had one child. We left Michigan to escape the abusive treatment my FIL was laying on him at work. We only settled in Washington State because the ocean stopped us. (Hawaii wasn’t a state back then.)

It will take something like that to save the day if you can’t ignore her or find another way to protect yourself and reclaim your peace of mind. Talk with your husband and let him know that you are at the end of your rope. Abuse is a terrible thing and there are so many kinds of abuse. It’s really sad.

When I was young and still single, I was very interested in a guy who was in college. My family just loved him! He took me to meet his mother, (she lived in another state), and when she walked into the room, glaring at me with obvious, pre-established hatred, she said…”Well, I guess WE don’t need to be introduced, do we?” That was it. I guess I’m a chicken at heart. He was studying to be a doctor (and did) and I planned to become a nurse (and did) but it wasn’t enough. Nothing ever would have been, for me.

I hope your husband understands that her apologies are empty and never change anything…and that you’ve had it. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear J.: We can’t bring people closer. They do whatever they do and that is entirely up to them. And it is very often hard to really understand others. They often don’t understand themselves. Sometimes it isn’t what they say but what they do that tells us where they are coming from.

Just be yourself and see what happens. He may not be the one for you if you are experiencing stress and feel unsure about where the relationship is headed. Blessings, Luise

Question: Dear Luise: My husband came outside to see the pretty girl that I was talking to. Why would he do that? D.

Answer: Dear D. Your husband is a person. He gets to think the way he wants to think and act the way her wants to act. Hopefully you picked a nice guy and he’s good to you…but you are not in charge of him and marriage is not a prison.

Who your husband talks to is his business…pretty or not. Don’t try to make a puppet out of him. It won’t work and you will end up looking the fool.

We think we are grown up when we marry but most of us, (me included), marry and then we grow up.

Time to get on with it. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear A. There are many different ways that families relate. One of them is where the family of origin always takes top billing and the another one is where the new family unit is the priority.

My husband is Italian. They are big on the whole extended family being one unit. When we married, twenty years ago, I must admit it was rather quickly. Neither of us wanted to do the dating-thing because we “just knew.” My grown sons were great with it…a kind of loving and respectful  “Whatever, Mom…” attitude. His grown children decided that since I was 15 years younger, I must have ulterior motives. I was treated coldly, rudely and unfairly without even being given a chance. What my husband decided was that it was their problem, not ours. He took a strong stand without saying a word and I became his number one loyalty. They eventually came around but there was no guarantee that would happen. We were prepared to go it alone and would have…to preserve our marriage.

Your first husband has shown you repeatedly that his family comes first and in a statement you made at the end of your question you say, ” I cant just cut out my family.” It sounds like the same is true for you.

Your present confusion probably comes from the fact that you are in a degrading, no-win second marriage. That’s what needs to be dealt with first, isn’t it?

Once you have gathered up your self-respect and acted in your own best interest, take another look at your “ex”. What kind of structure do you think the two of you might be able to create to protect each other from your consistent inability to put each other and your marriage first? If you can’t both do that, forget it. Blessings, Luise

Question: Dear Luise: I am a very mature 20 year-old and have been with my now husband, who is 22, for over 5 years. We have two kids together and have been through so much, both good and bad. Lately I’ve been begging for his attention. He is so into his sports games, chatting with his friends…a typical sportsman. I don’t think he appreciates what he has. I think he still hasn’t matured, or is it that he lost love for me? He’s making me lose love for him by his rejections. There are days where he’s like #1 husband but then the next day he doesn’t care. I am very confused. Thank you for listening. D.

Answer: Dear D. You picked a sportsman for a partner. He is going to be distracted by sports some of the time and he is going to want to spend time with other like-minded guys.

Maturing is a strange thing and it’s no wonder you’re confused. Some people mature faster than others and some, unfortunately, never do much maturing at all. Women are often forced to mature early because of the demands of child-rearing. Men often mature in a different way. It happens at work where they learn, (hopefully), to become responsible and skilled at what they do. However, when they leave work, all bets are off and the immature and somewhat selfish person often reappears. That doesn’t happen to the wife/mother because she never “leaves work.”

Do you realize what a remarkable job you are both doing? Your husband may not seem to appreciate what he’s got but isn’t that the case with you , too, at times? It’s easy to take a marriage that’s working for granted. The years come and the years go and the kids start growing up and heading for school and you don’t always the the overview of how incredible you both are.

If there’s any way you can get into a hobby with some like-minded friends and create your own interests outside of the home…that could be very rewarding. If your needs aren’t always being met, look to see where you can become your own advocate. Most women think it is their husband’s job to bring them happiness but he is really only one source of happiness…and it’s too big a job for any one person. Take on part of the job yourself and you will find that it can be a fun project.

It’s a denial of responsibility to say that your husband is “making” you lose your love for him. He’s just being who he is and it doesn’t mean he loves you any less. You are losing love for him all on your own, if that’s what’s happening.

Focus on those good times and on the good days and move beyond looking for perfection or even predictable consistency. Count your blessings and broaden your horizons. You deserve a fuller life. Give yourself one! Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear T.: Guessing games don’t work very well…and they don’t work for very long. You have no way of knowing why this man lied to you in the first place, any more than you can guess why he remains married or why he is losing interest in you. Beyond that, are you absolutely sure he’s separated? Do you have proof of that?

The only antidote I know of to guessing is honest communication. Promises, lies, delays and accusations are not honest communication.

If I had to enter into the guessing game, I would wonder if you were his first outside interest in the last 8 or 9 years and/or if you will be his last. Staying married and separated, if that’s even true, is a very handy way to not be truly available. It is all about guessing. Can you see that?

Self-respect is probably motivating you to question the whole set-up. If it’s not better than being alone, what’s the point? Are you hanging on to hope? Isn’t that unrealistic? He had almost a decade to get himself single before he even met you. If you don’t end it, it sounds like it may die a natural death anyhow because what you’re asking for sounds healthy and his response to your requests sounds abusive.

Haven’t you asked me questions you already know the answers to? Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear S.: Your “ex” isn’t available right now. He has to make up his mind about that first. Apparently, his girlfriend is trying to keep him under lock and key. That never works, of course; because the person has to want to be there. None-the-less, he has to handle that situation before he is free to move on.

As for the rest of it…the “Should I?” part…your guess is as good as mine. We never get a guarantee when we follow our hearts. There’s been a lot of water under the bridge. You have both changed and you share a child. Those are positive factors. In many ways, you know each other better then most couples stepping up to the plate. It sounds like the attraction is still there, to me. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear C. You are unusually aware. That can be very helpful but it can also be very painful, as you well know.

There aren’t any guarantees when we look at the possibility of getting hurt. We can look closely at our selves and another, as you are doing, but we can’t predict what kind of challenges will come our way. You are both young, yet people the age of your parents make errors in judgment and hit the rocks in relationships. The alternative is to stay single and never give your heart away but for many of us that represents a slow death.

You see yourself bossing her around. That’s amazing. People who do that rarely see that they are doing it. We know how we want others to be and it is very tempting to try to give out instructions representing our point of reference, asking or demanding that they comply. It never works. We are all unique individuals and have the right to stay that way without others attempting to interfere with our habits, belief systems and/or values. You seem to already know that and I find that an endearing quality. If you share your feelings with her, she probably will, too.

I would suggest that you work hard on your communication skills and ask her to do the same. That could be your saving grace. You don’t need to over-analyze everything but you both need to keep putting how you experience of your feelings “out there.” Sharing is often the greater part of caring. Go slowly, look for common goals and cross you fingers! Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear P.: Life can bring us many lessons. You may be learning about giving and the fact that it is part of a balanced concept that includes receiving. Your accident required that your husband step up to the plate. That’s not necessarily an easy assignment for someone who is on a free ride.

Of course couples can be incompatible. You can love someone deeply that you can’t live with. Living together in harmony is an art form. Some people are mature enough to value developing it and others just aren’t there yet or even interested in getting there.

For your husband to see how you feel, he has to care how you feel. He may not have matured to the place where that is a consideration for him. You would probably benefit from no longer asking yourself why he does what he does. It is time to focus your energy on your own growth and development…for instance, why do you fear being alone? You are already alone to all intents and purposes.

It sounds like your indecision is causing you acute distress. There is no perfect solution to an imperfect situation. Whatever you do, stay or go…there will be blessings and consequences that go with it. That’s life.

You have a child to raise and you need to get on with it. Your marriage isn’t viable and it is clear to everyone except yourself that you and your husband don’t have the raw materials to turn it into a working premise. To your family, that is probably glaringly apparent but you are the one who has to face that fact and move on. You are still seeing your marriage as “in jeopardy” when you really don’t have one. Giving up too soon is cowardly but hanging on too long is also cowardly. It’s time. Blessings, Luise

You are not to blame for your differences…you are just being human. So is your wife. You don’t need to swallow your pride to admit that, because it’s a well-known fact. We are all fallible and we prove it every day. Perfection is something unattainable but we are more inclined to see the lack of it in others than we are to see it in ourselves.

Please re-read your first two sentences carefully and you may see where the first incident could have been avoided. You say, “I didn’t hear her answer or she didn’t answer. I’m not sure which.” That was the time for you to stop and clarify the issue. When we put something off, others often feel upset. You needed to ask again, immediately, to be sure you were heard and that you got a response.

On the other hand, it is probably unrealistic for your wife to expect you to handle your mail and bills the same way she would, (unless you are one of those people who loses track of them and doesn’t perform responsibly.) You are how you are, not a puppet waiting for her to tell you how you should be.

And the silent treatment is the height of childishness. Give me a break!

You don’t need a divorce, but both of you sure need some new communication skills. The best way to do that that I know of is with a counselor. It’s an art and to stay married, you both need to work on verbal self-expression and you will also need to develop some patience toward the each other.

Marriage isn’t a “be right” contest. One way to look at it is to see it as “a way to partner with another person that is much better than living alone.” (Otherwise, what’s the point?) It takes work but it’s worth it…or it could be. Blessings, Luise