Answer: Dear B.: Blame is pretty much a dead end attitude. It doesn’t fix anything and it can start a denial-of-responsibility type of behavior that can follow you for the rest of your life.  I would suggest you not go there. It looks to me like you and your mother are both equally at fault. She does weird, pretty unsupportive things but then, you have, too.

It also looks like the only way you are going to get into Dentistry School is to knuckle down and catch up. It isn’t great to be behind, I get that, but that’s the way it is. If you want to follow your plan to become a dentist…do what needs to be done to make it work. Adjust, compensate…and don’t waste your time hating anybody. The truth is that hate only hurts the hater…not the hated. Your mother may not know it, but you did the best you could at the time, too.

She isn’t perfect and she has done some things that have slowed you down. Let it go…or it will eat you alive. You aren’t perfect, either. We have to factor in being human whether we like it or not. Years from now, when you are a successful, practicing dentist, no one is going to know you got a slow start in college and didn’t finish as soon as you would have liked. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear P.: It’s terribly hard to accept but your daughter is an adult and she chose him. They have started a new family unit and they make the rules.

Like most of us, you probably had some very reasonable expectations around being treated with respect and of remaining connected to some degree. It isn’t gong to happen. And you don’t get to vote. Crying may relieve the pressure but it isn’t going to change anything.

Your next move is to withdraw from their lives and create one of your own. Being their victim isn’t going to serve your needs. It is going to wear you down and could eventually make you ill. You were a whole person before you had a family and you can be whole again. Don’t choose suffering just to be “right”.

If you want to move beyond self-pity, even though you have every right to feel that way, please come over to my Web-forum for women who are facing similar issues with their adult children and extended families. It is a very supportive community. www.WiseWomenUnite.com Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear A.: it is often hard to listen to your own drummer and I commend you for that. If being a care giver resonates with you, I would suggest the possibility of some further training in that field before you enter overseas volunteer work…which by the way, may well be your answer.

The only reason I am suggesting further training is that you sound to me like a person with a lot of potential. Becoming more skilled just offers you the opportunity to express yourself at a level that will demand more of you and possibly bring you more satisfaction in life. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear A.: All emotions come and go unless we focus on them and keep them in place. We all have other perceptions and experiences…positive as well as negative. You are so much more than an alcoholic. And everyone is addicted to something, as you already know. Even if it’s “being right.”

Your kids probably have good reason for keeping their distance. They may think that you have something in your life that is more important than they are; alcohol. If you don’t blame them for that, then don’t feel sorry for yourself. It just makes everything worse.

You know the places to go to be understood and to get help. The rest is up to you. Your desperation and not wanting to be at the effect of it are something you don’t have to hang on to. Blessings, Luise

Answer:  Dear M.: I don’t have that information but we’ll pubish your request and see if you get a response. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear Y.: You need to have someone help you with this, one-on-one. I think most or even all joy comes from inside, not from what others are or aren’t doing. It may take a good counselor to get you past reacting to others and to situations. You really do deserve to be happy. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear S. This is something to address in counseling. If you aren’t on the same page, you may be able get there with help. At present, what has gone on before has affected your girlfriend so seriously that she can’t or won’t let it go and if you reconciled you would never hear the end of it. You don’t want to go there, I’m sure.

A fresh start may be your only option. It sounds to me  like you are getting tired of waiting and see little or no progress…couple-wise. If so, it’s time to make that clear. Blessings, Luise

Question: Dear Luise: My girlfriend of seven years left eight months ago. We have a three year old daughter and I miss them very much. I made many mistakes during our relationship. But for the last eight months have worked hard pn my core issues. I still love her very much. We have just started couples counseling but she is confussed about why she stills love me after the hurt I put us through. I have changed and she see’s this but doesn’t know how to feel. The separation is starting to effect our daughter I barely see her. Her family is aganist us trying to work it out they never liked me cause of my race. They dont know we are in counseling. She is only doing counseling because of our daughter. Im going to try and save our relationship. Im strong enough to walk away but don’t want too at one point I wasen’t. I really want my family but she is to cofussed to committ to going to counseling to try an reconcile and rather just see what comes of it. Im ready to regain my life back I have stayed single no dating and just worked on me. I have mixed feelings due to her being confussed. What should I do? Do I stop the counseling and just move on even though my heart says fight for your family. I feel its going to take both of us committed to make it work. I’m lost and need some advice. I have been faithful during this process but im very lonely and want to share my life with someone I want it to be her. How much longer do I wait? S.

Answer: Dear S. This is something to address in counseling. If you aren’t on the same page, you may be able get there with help. At present, what has gone on before has affected your girlfriend so seriously that she can’t or won’t let it go and if you reconciled you would never hear the end of it. You don’t want to go there, I’m sure.

A fresh start may be your only option. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear T.: Please come over to my Web-forum to get some much-needed support as you learn to accept the position you have been put in. You know it’s about your son, not you, and it is going to be his lesson to learn or not learn regarding how convenient it is to deny responsibility and blame the blameless.

We are at: www.WiseWomenUnite.com

Leave the door of your heart open…because there is no way to close it. He may come around. You know you gave him your best. Now it is time to heal your self from within and find peace. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear S. I don’t know about the laws where you live…but in most places you have to be 18 before you can make the decision to leave home. Your boyfriend’s family may have had the best of intentions, but to offer a place to stay when it would possibly be illegal for you to go there, was misleading…don’t you think?

I honestly don’t know what you can do but follow the ever-changing rules your parents are enforcing. It is all about fear. They want you to be safe and fear that you will get into trouble if left to your own devices. Many parents do that and create such havoc that their teens run away, some to the streets…where they die.

It’s so complex. All I can see for you is to bend to their dominance and hope that your boyfriend will stick by you and see you through this. It might help to talk with your priest, minister or school counselor but many times it makes things worse at home, if they find out about it.

A year from November, you will be free. As far as I know, they cannot make it age 21. I would give everything I had to school and put the relationship on the back burner until then. I know that will be really hard…but otherwise it will drive you nuts. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear E.: I can see that it would be confusing to have all of this going on at once.

I’d just keep my options open. That’s one great thing about being 14. Why just like one person? Feelings come and go and the more you get to know someone, the more they can change.

And when you are ready to ask someone out, I’d do it myself. If you feel shy, do it by email or texting because when you bring another person in on it, the whole thing can get too complicated. The same is true when others pass on information of any kind; it can get distorted and misinterpreted. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear B.: Thank you. Nice to hear from you. Please come over to my web-Forum: http://www.motherinlawsunite.com We really appreciate having DILs there and you may find MILs who want to contribute to your blog in a positive way. It’s not a DIL bashing site, it’s about understanding, support and resolution. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear L. I get a strong sense of solidarity when I read about the partnership you and your husband have. It has so much that is “life” in it. For example; kids are often hard to live with and as they get older they can get even more difficult, illness is often pretty overwhelming to cope with and work through…and moving can be the pits. On top of all of that, neither of you is perfect and both of you feel misunderstood and weary. Why wouldn’t you? You’ve been hit from all directions.

Hang in there, better days are ahead…count on it. Believe it or not kids grow up and move away. In the meantime, move back if you need to and go to a new church if that would work best. Talk to each other. It doesn’t help to blame each other. Blame “life.” Hopes and dreams have a way of dissolving into thin air…as life’s challenges appear in their places. It just seems like too much. However, there is still a lot in the context of “loving, best friends” that you and your guy can fall back on. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear T.: It is a sad fact that we can have very strong chemistry with people we are not able to live with in a compatible and peaceful way. Many of us lack maturity and attract others who also are lacking in that area. Chemistry doesn’t require maturity. And, all by itself, chemistry usually isn’t enough to support a long-term relationship.

Getting engaged to someone else is seldom the solution. It’s a distraction and until the novelty wears off, it may be enough. But how fair is it to the person we use for that purpose? (And “use” is often the correct term.)

Part of putting off growing up and becoming responsible is the experience of wanting the person we don’t have. We focus on chemistry and think it’s love. Along with that, jealousy gets a hold on us and we often want what others have…even when it’s what we once had and couldn’t handle.

All of this kind of thing keeps us occupied and puts off the experience of becoming what me might become if we realized our full potential. It’s a merry-go-round going nowhere.

Some people are able to by-pass this whole scene but many of us, and I’m including myself here, seem to have to go through it. The trick is not to get stuck. When you are ready, move on into more interesting and rewarding activities. Get more education and cultivate wider interests. Meet new people and see where life takes you. In the process you will meet new people and grow into more satisfying relationships. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear R.: I don’t think I’d wait to be kicked out…the arrangement isn’t working.

You have the right to peace and quiet…to a drive to your place of employment that doesn’t extend your workday any further and to some respect. Your first move in that direction is to initiate taking a stand based on self-respect.

I’m pretty sure that your mother couldn’t trash your marriage on your wedding day. I have no doubt that she could certainly trash your wedding but you went ahead and got married and had a family. You must have been responsible for some of what followed and so was your wife.

Unfortunately, becoming a mother doesn’t necessarily make your mom a good one. It’s best to move on and write off her unkindness, favoritism, insensitivity and neglect. Don’t waste any more time trying to make sense of it. You have a forgiving nature and it is healthier to let the past go. Then you can put your energy into changing the present. You don’t need this.

Focus on your health and the issues around your condition. Try not to get into the he said/she said of listening to others tell you what they heard. It only adds fuel to the fire and you are the one being consumed. Be your own best friend in every way possible. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear J.: I don’t have a clue on this one but luckily there is an Executive Recruiter in our family, so I asked her for you. Here’s her response.

“This is not a problem for either her direct boss or for the guy who wants to hire her. This is a problem for Human Resources. She has to take this issue to the head of HR. If there is anyone who knows anything in HR they will help her smooth the way so she doesn’t burn any bridges. There are grounds for an employment lawsuit here, from what you’ve described. NO ONE has a right to hold someone back in an organization because of his/her preference. If there is a situation where they are trying to get a project completed and it’s something big…her current boss would be justified in saying that he wants to keep her until that is completed. But, that would require a reasonable and specific date of release. Anyway, it’s HR’s problem to resolve, which gets her off the hook.”

OK, J. That makes sense to me. I hope it helps your friend. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear S.: It’s going to boil down to what you want in life. If what you have is what you want, you’re home free. However, it doesn’t sound like that is true. A rule of thumb that I often use is that a relationship should be an improvement over being alone or what’s the point? Beyond that, how much better is up to you.

Waiting for someone to grow up and change for the better can be a thankless job. And sometimes they change for the worse or don’t change at all. You have a recalcitrant child for a girlfriend. Isn’t that the truth? She’s getting away with what she’s getting away with because you cave. What’s that all about? We can dearly love people we can’t and shouldn’t spend our lives with. She’s the familiar. Is that better than the unknown? If so, why? Habit?

Talk with this girlfriend of yours and let her know that you are coming to the end of your rope. Don’t ask her to change because she will promise you things she can’t deliver. Let her know that it’s not working for you and why. Then cut her lose.

You can remain an interested friend…just keep her at a distance along with her drama and immaturity. They are playing havoc with your life.

Move on to meet new people and take what you have learned with you. There are gals out there who are willing to contribute to keeping a relationship afloat. Start circulating and keep your eyes open. One of them is looking for you! Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear Brent: Too much has been going on that was not brought out into the open and shared with her family. Then, on one trip to the beach, it all came tumbling down because both of you used extremely poor judgment.

There are a lot of hurdles ahead…her graduation, her enlistment in the Navy and her totally messed up relationship with her family. In all of that, you have been cast as the bad guy.

I think your wisest move is to honor her father and back off. An engagement is usually a formal thing complete with an engagement ring and an announcement. Long, long ago…the bride-to-be’s father was asked for permission. Not a bad plan, when you look at getting off on the right foot.

What had you planned to do when she left for the Navy? How had you decided to bridge the time and distance her enlistment would require? Part of backing off is letting go…for the time being. I don’t mean breaking up…I mean allowing some room for the family to get past what they had thrown in their faces at the beach.

One fact has been proven true down through the ages…a couple that wants to be together, can usually find a way to do that. It may not involve your being able to attend her prom and it may not be in the near future, but true love usually wins out.

First, however, you have to win over her father and the rest of her clan. To do that, you’re going to have to create them seeing you as a man with some dignity and ethics. You really blew that one. Your reputation isn’t non-repairable but right now you stand pretty low on the totem pole with them as a candidate for this girl’s hand.

Hang in there and wait. Behave yourself and wait. Grow up and wait. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear Cheryline: What an interesting concept. You may be onto something!

Do you know anyone who might want to illustrate your positive thoughts for working moms or perhaps someone who is a photographer? How about a computer programmer friend? Do you know of any one who would want to put together a web site for you? I think the first place I would look, after I had my 365 positive thinking phrases assembled, would be to see what natural resources I had at hand to help me take it to the next level.

You could present it to your women’s group at church or at your school P.T.A., for instance. Is there a market at either place, possibly as a fund-raiser?

You could also research software at: www.hp.com/go/activitycenter . They offer some interesting calendar-printing ideas for you to peruse.

Look for different focuses to see what appeals the most to you. What kind of income are you looking for? Do you have capital? Partners?

Break it down into steps; sayings…illustrations…target…production…marketing, not necessarily in that order.

Your idea for a calendar containing positive thoughts for working moms could appeal to a large group, if you were able to present it in a way that caught on. And it could generate follow-up calendars for years to come! Go for it! Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear Teresa: Many years ago I went to a seminar where the leader asked those who felt they “fit in” and were “normal” to stand up. No one did. We all feel “different” because we are, and none of us fit, totally…we’re too unique. You couldn’t be like everyone else if you tried, and they can’t be like you.

That said, it sounds like a little positive thinking skill would be a good thing for you to develop. Take a look at the web site: www.tut.com and see if that appeals to you. I have found it very helpful in building a stronger self-image. As a member of their Adventurers’ Club, I signed up to get their daily email messages and I love them. I also bought the set of CDs called Infinite Possibilities and found them to be very helpful.

TUT stands for Totally Unique Thoughts and they teach that energy follows thought. So, what you think is of great importance. The more positive…the better! The author, whose name is Mike Dooley, offers some very specific steps for positive thinking that I feel you could apply to advantage in your desire for a promotion. I have used them in my life to great advantage.

Good for you for noticing how negative thought impacts success. Just by doing that, you are changing direction! Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear Mel: Getting caught up in how to proceed with growing and selling fresh organic herbs for fun and profit, (or hard work and profit), is a very good way to begin. The more you learn, the greater your chance of success. You can circumvent a lot of serious errors by talking with others who have done the same thing, and also reading what they have written about their experiences. Get as much information as you can in advance.

I assume that you have a green thumb and are currently growing your own natural whole herbs for your personal use. I must tell you that I don’t know anyone who does it for a business. My daughter grows them for herself and I sometimes get the overflow, but that’s very different. Have you talked with your local grocer about your interest in supplying him with herbal energy boosters? Why not get his take on it? There is also the possibility of creating a client list and delivering or of having a stand at your home if that’s legal where you live!

I have found a book for you at: http://homeharvest.com/incomegardeningbooks.htm . The title of the book is “Herbs For Sale” by Sturdivant. The above URL is a Home Harvest Garden Supply web site. I would be devouring that kind of data if I wanted to do what you have in mind.

You can read frequently asked questions at: http://www.freshcutherbs.com/faq.htm on the subject of Growing and Selling Fresh Cut Herbs. Sandie Shores has created that web site and answers questions, as I understand it.

So that’s my advice in a nutshell regarding growing and selling fresh organic herbs. If my interest lay there, I’d spend a lot of time studying up on it first. Blessings, Luise