MomResponds.com: Ask Questions, Get Answers » Mental Health

Is It OK To Send My Kids To My Parents

Luise Volta — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 19:23:36 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: I am struggling as a single mother. I am 26yrs old and have a 5yr old and 3yr old. THEY ARE MY EVERYTHING!! I was a successfulcollege student and worked for the last 2yrs. Because of bad economic decisions on my behalf, I lost our apartment last July. Fortunately,my father gave me his house and moved into a smaller place with his wife. I now have $2,400 in bills each month with barely enough income to survive. I suffer from depression and anxiety. When I lost my home, I became distant and ashamed. I ended up resigning from my amazing job due to the inability to function. I have gained 30ilbs over the last year due to stress, and am basically falling deeper and deeper into the hole I’ve dug myself into. The only way I feel I can make it for my children is if I have some time to refocus. It is so difficult to care for myself when all I can think about is how I have lost control of my life. I drink more…Eat more… Sleep waaaayyy more… Would I be a bad mother to let my father and his wife care for my children for 6-12mos while I straighten up? R.

Answer: Dear R.: Your issue is beyond my background to address. My guess, and that’s all it is, is that it wouldn’t help to send your children away. Missing your children and feeling guilty about that might make things worse for you. Can you move in with them? It sounds to me like you need as much care as your kids do. You are in crisis and need support ASAP. Counseling may be what’s next to get you back on track once that support is established. Blessings, Luise

I Haven’t Done Anything Wrong

Luise Volta — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 06:07:42 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: My daughter married a man that did not respect me before they got married. Now I have two beauttiful grandchildren. A 4 year-old grandson and a 2 year-old granddaughter. I live with my sister who adopted a mentally handicaped boy. He is seventeen but acts like a 5 yr old. My grandson was spending the night with me the Friday before father’s day 2011. My grandson was in my sister’s son’s room playing. My bedroom is next to his and I can see his door. I was sitting on my bed and saw someone push the door up. So I got up and open the door and ask what they were doing. My grandson said thatmy sister’s son licked his stomach. I told him to come to me and we had a little talk. He said that his cousin did not touch him in his private parts, just his stomach. My sister also question both boys separately. I did tell my daughter and she was not upset. When she told her husband he came over to my sister’s house. Busted in the door and grabbed the mentally handicapped boy and choked him, dragged him across the flood and sat on him with his hands around his throat. Thank God he wasn’t physically hurt. Now my grandchildren can’t come to see me here and it seems like they are always busy when I want to see them. My daughter never spends time with me anymore. She always has an excuse. They even stopped going to the same church where we all attened. This situation has not effected my son-in-laws family. They get to see the children all the time. My daughter treats me like a stranger when I am around, but has so much to say to her mother-in-law. I know this is long, but I need answers. I was over there today and hadn’t eaten. They ate in front of me and didn’t even offer me anything. I am so hurt! I haven’t done anything wrong. Help me please. R.

Answer: Dear R.: You can’t change people and you can’t change their minds. Your daughter and son in law are adults and get to make their own choices, raise their children as they see fit and associate with whomever they want to befriend.

I think the incident you referred to would be enough to worry most parents. The challenged cousin is fully matured, physically, and probably totally confused. He probably shouldn’t have been left alone with your grand children.

The other side of the coin is that someone should have called 911 when your son in law attacked him. What your son in law did was against the law and he is a threat to society no matter what church he belongs to.

The whole thing is something you are not going to be able to unravel. They have pretty much disowned you, which I agree is beyond unfair. They may feel guilty and are trying to by-pass that by blaming you or they may have thought you put their son at risk. Perhaps both apply.

In truth, to be raised by a violent father is much more dangerous than anything that happened at your house. Blessings, Luise

I’m Getting Mixed Messages

Luise Volta — Sun, 09 Oct 2011 21:15:00 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: My Husband of 11 years announced he wanted to separate. He and I have 1 child together and I have one from a previous marriage. We have suffered huge financial change in the last couple of years. My husband has been diagnosed with bipolar and anger management issues, about 4 years ago we had a huge fight and he was arrested for domestic violence and was not permitted to contact me or the kids for about a month then we were allowed to talk on the phone, then eventually he was allowed to come home. The actual event of the arrest is vague due to my friend was the one to call the police and have him arrested. He was angry and out of control however he did not put his hands on me. Now he says the financial struggles and the resentment he has for me for the arrest and the stress he has at work has caused him to just break down and give up. We communicate a little now, its been 2 months since we separated, and he says i need to be patient as he is not right mentally and the best thing for us right now is to be apart. But he says he doesnt want to give up on the marriage yet, he says its not over yet, etc.. but when he text messages me when I ask how I am suppose to feel he comes at me with mean words. It seems like he text messages one thing but when we talk he says another. I know we need this time apart but I need to know I am not hanging on for nothing. What if he is just afraid to hurt my feelings so he wont say what he really feels. I really dont know what to do. I started seeing a councelor but it really doesnt seem to help. I am truly devasted because it feels like all of his words for the last 11 years are lies. I just need to know what I need to do.. my friends think he had or is having a breakdown, and he will regret this, but I dont know. any advice would be greatly appreciated…K.

Answer: Dear K.: Please don’t give up on seeing a counselor because you didn’t find the right one the first time. There is someone out there who will “get it” and who is qualified to help you through this. You need an advocate and for most of us, our friends just aren’t trained to take it on.

My take on texting is that it can be a place to hide. It is totally one sided and it can be brutal without any direct repercussions. At the same time, the truth may lie there. You deserve so much better.

You decision needs to come from what will work for you. It can’t be about putting your self aside and excusing abuse. Your own mental and physical health is primary. You have children depending on you and your self-respect is what gets you through each day. We can’t carry other adults on our shoulders, at least not for long. We have to “hold them able” to find their own solutions as we focus on finding ours. Blessings, Luise

She’s Completely Changed

Luise Volta — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 18:02:56 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: my 7 yo grandaughter stated she hates her life. her parents divorced 3 yrs ago.her mother remarried 2 yrs ago with a extented family of a 8 yo daughter.they had a baby girl 5 months ago.prior to all this she was a happy only child.over the past 1 to 2 yrs she has become very disrespectful to adults and other children.she does not want to go to school and when she does she goes home sick.she complaines of stomach pain.she has been to er’s and to her Dr. with all tests neg.she seems very angry all the time and appears to want only her way.she seems to of completely changed.what can we do. R.

Answer: Dear R.: See a good child psychologist as soon as possible and get her into intensive therapy. Everything she is doing is a cry for help. Blessings, Luise

How Can This Turn Out Best For Me

Luise Volta — Tue, 06 Sep 2011 18:02:12 +0000

Question: Dear Luise; Thank you for this service. I am struggling currently, and I want to make the most informed and conscious decision. I am dating a wonderful man, the man of my dreams in every realm, sans family. We are best friends and have an amazing connection, admiration and respect for each other. The problem lies in that of his family. He is very close with his family and especially his mother. At first glance at their pictures together, and reading the captions—prior to becoming a couple— I felt uneasy about their relationship. I felt perhaps their was something unhealthy going on between their bond. I began to feel like this, but since she lived 8 states away at the time, I did not see a problem. She has recently come to visit and I got to meet her for the first time. She is an incredibly interesting case with many issues which she unloaded on me the first night, to boot. Having been divorced by my partners father, she is still very hurt and bitter about the situation. But the part that is most disturbing, is their physical contact. I am not sure if it is me who is having insecure jealousy type issues, or if their is something unhealthy about it. I showed my father a picture and he thought that she was his girlfriend. A number of people also have commented that it appears that the two people in the picture are in a relationship, not mother/son. But perhaps that is just cultural differences, right? However, I was nauseated once to the point of actual vomiting due to their physical relationship: I could list the things that they do, but it would be biased from my perspective only. For example, as he got out of the shower, still dripping wet and in his underwear, cuddled up next to her, bodies adjacent while he leaned over her lap showing her things on the computer. Also, while on a car trip, she sat in the seat behind him, and for the whole 4 hours was sitting in the on the edge of her seat right up against him, and half the time had her hands on his chest or shoulders gently rubbing or what not. It goes both ways too: When my partner and I were on a bench gazing at the coast embraced, she came over and sat next to us, which he then placed his hand on her thigh, and she started caressing his hands. After we dropped him off for work that same day, I kissed him good bye on the lips and wished him a good day at work. Then, astonishingly enough, she did the same thing, using almost verbatim of what I had said. She tells me she has been practicing how to pose in pictures just like me, and remarked how she had mastered my facial expression. After I commented that we were in the same position in nearly all pictures with her son, (full body embrace, heads touching) she said “I know, I learned from you”. With in the first 20 minutes of knowing her, she popped down into the splits, at 63, and began stretching in very intense ways (Which I must admit, I was thoroughly impressed!) I like the lady, all though I feel for her as I think she is caught in some loops of pain with out the inner technology to get out of them. (IE is constantly ragging on her daughter and other son, and just about everyone that is not present) I feel like she is sweet, and genuinely loves her family, and does not want to be left out. I also feel like perhaps, after the divorce, she emotionally replaced her ex husband with her youngest son, my partner (who returned home to live with his mom, and stayed for 2 years after the divorce.) Please help me, I am open to the possibility that I might just be feeling jealous, I am open to it being an unhealthy relationship, she has enormous amount of control over him and I fear that since I want him to be his own person, a man so to speak. Please shed some light on this situation as to what I can do to cope with this in a way that is going to turn out best for me, and my future family if I do stay with this man, as I love him deeply. L.

Answer: Dear L.: The only way the situation is going to turn out best for you is to get yourself out of it as soon as you can, permanently. You can’t change him or his mother. They have a very neurotic relationship and there is a lot of truth in the saying that “two is company, three’s a crowd.”

It is very possible to love someone we can’t live with. Unless you are hopelessly neurotic yourself, you are not going to survive the pathology they present. You are not jealous of her. You’re just fine. The dynamics are that a man’s first love is his mother. Some mothers get hooked on that and perpetuate it. I’m not talking about conscious, physical incest…but it is a very deadly and totally unconscious variety of incest, none-the-less…and usually untreatable because neither participant wants to let go; not really. The man often finds a “second mother” as a sexual partner but the bond with his primary love, though it may be seriously challenged, isn’t broken. It didn’t start when she divorced and it is often the youngest son or an only son who becomes the unconscious “lover.”

What follows is usually a living hell for the interloper. In trying to copy you, his mother is taking you on as the competition…and she will win. Also there’s no way you can address it with him because neither of them know what’s going on.

This isn’t something a counselor is going to straighten out easily, if at all. It is deep and anyone tampering with it…beware. He may be the greatest guy you have ever met, but he is her guy.

Please consider coming over to my Web-forum for women with issues with extended families at www.WiseWomenUnite.com . I think you might benefit, after telling your story, from the insight of a loving community. Some women there have married into what I hope you are going to escape. And if you find it too difficult to extricate yourself from this triangle, please seek counseling yourself…so that you can act in your own best interest. You deserve so much better. Blessings, Luise

We’re Being Neglected

Luise Volta — Mon, 22 Aug 2011 15:42:30 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: I hope you can help me. I have been married for 3 years to my loving husband. He has a younger sister, before we were married the sister and I were friends and still are. The problem i’m having is with his parents, mainly his mother and sister. The relationship between his mother and sister are good they are best freinds. This leaves little room for the MIL and I to become close, the sister has stated that she isnt going to let the MIL and I do anything by ourselves, she will have to be with us. We all went as a family to help clean his grandmothers house out while there the grandmother gave us a coffee table, a couple of weeks later the MIL had to go and by the sister a coffee table? the MIL is always paying the sisters bills buying her groceries giving her money for whatever she ask for, the sister lives on her own, all the while not offering me and her son anything. I’m not saying that we want her to buy us stuff all the time no, not at all but a justure would be nice every now and then. My car is needing repairs the MIL states in a conversation that shes not paying for it cause i’m not her daughter. We DIDNT ask her to pay for it, not sure where that comment came from. But does that mean since shes not my mother do I have to buy her mothers day cards and birthday cards? why would she even say something like that? It’s getting to the point that I dont want to be around the sister or the mother in law and I dont want to feel that way but I have no idea how to handle the comments that she makes towards me and the spoiling that she gives the GROWN sister? The differnce in how she treats the daughter over her son are insane, its so bad that everyone notices it? Please give me some advice on how to keep my emotions under control and how do I handle this and not complain to my husband about it? HELP, B.

Answer: Dear B.: You are in the middle of some pretty complex family dynamics. And in the presence of all of that neurotic behavior, you are expecting a normal result. It isn’t going to happen and it’s not about you.

Your MIL is hanging on to, favoring and pampering an adult child and the adult child is jealous of any attention you get. (Most often it is the son who gets caught in that trap and can’t get out, even after he marries and moves away.) Your job is to love him to pieces and to mature to the place, as soon as you can, to paying no attention to the inequity shown both of you. In the process you will have to give up on your perfectly realistic expectations of a loving, extended family.

You and your husband have created a new family unit and the insecurities of your MIL and SIL need to be left at the door. Tolerate them but don’t expect anything more than what they have given you so far. You are the only adult in that “triangle.” Focus on giving your guy the support he deserves. You’re right, he doesn’t need to hear about what he’s had to live with all of his life and has never been able to change. Blessings, Luise

He Assaults Me Verbally and Physically

Luise Volta — Thu, 18 Aug 2011 02:28:52 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: my son is 14 1/2 years old. He has been urinating in bottles, glasses, cups etc and leaving these around his room or under his mattress. He has also not been wiping his bottom properly and there are loads of chunks of faeces in his bed. When questioned he goes off on one and verbally and physically assaults me i am seperated and cannot cope any more help. A.

Answer: Dear A.: You need some serious intervention with your son. See a counselor as soon as you can. It could be a lot of different things, I have no idea but it is serious. Please seek help. Go to your minister or call a crisis hot line or talk to the people at school or all of the above. If he tries to hurt you again, go to a battered women’s shelter. Don’t try any longer to deal with it alone. That would be highly dangerous. Blessings. Luise

How Do I Deal With this?

Luise Volta — Wed, 27 Jul 2011 17:06:42 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: I think I want to leave my wife but I still love her. The problem is that I no longer trust her. I recently found out that she had been engaging in an inappropriate relationship via texting. Although I feel that she never did go beyond this level I still feel violated and trampled. After finding out she said it was over and she was dedicated to me and our family. I then found out again that she was still texting back and forth with him. We dealt with it again only for me to find out some devastating news. I looked at her phone and saw that during a night out with her girlfriends that she had attempted to meet up with the guy. She went so far as to call him Babe which is a nickname she uses for me. She was trying to meet up with him for a kiss. This effort failed but I am still left feeling as if she would have completed her objective if the opportunity had presented itself. I told her it was over but I do not have the heart to leave. We have four kids together and I still love her so much. I just cannot shake this lack of trust and it is tearing me up. I know she loves me and was just having some weak moments, but I am living in fear of it happening again and I also fear life with my family torn apart. What should I do to either deal with my fear or deal with the unknown that comes with separation? D.

Answer: Dear D.: Loving someone and being able to live with that person are often unrelated. You are being abused. If you stay, you will continue to be abused whether your wife loves you or not.

We all deal with the unknown all of the time. When we go to the grocery store we don’t know if someone will cross the centerline and we will never make it home again. There are no guarantees.

You may want to look into counseling to get some help in working though your obvious reluctance to love and protect yourself. That’s where the core problem lies. It’s not about her; it is about your inability to value your own well-being. Blessings, Luise

I Don’t Want My Daughter To See This

Luise Volta — Wed, 27 Jul 2011 15:37:40 +0000

Question: Dear Luise, I try to always keep the peace in my marriage and not let little things turn into big arguments so my daughter can be raised in a loving home. My husband is supportive and wonderful, so it makes it very easy! In the 12 years we’ve been married one thing that has always been difficult is the relationship between him and his family. Whenever we all get together he drops us like a sack of potatoes. He goes off on walks with his sister, goes off alone with his mom or dad (or both) leaving me to watch the kids so they can catch up. During a movie he’ll get popcorn for his family, sit off with them on a sofa- and leave me high and dry! The family members aren’t mean to me- they just won’t include me into their private little bubble. They sit and talk about his childhood years over and over again- and my mother in law will state that I don’t know about any of those people/events. I feel it’s a jealousy issue from her- using her memories and history with him against me since i could never compete with that. They even talk about old girlfriends of my husbands which hurts my feelings. I’m very outspoken and will tell them that my feelings are hurt and then walk away when they say that I’m being silly- but my husband never follows to make sure I’m ok. Its hurting my confidence. This certainly isn’t about choosing, I find it awesome he is a family man all around- but its hard to go from being his #1 person everyday – to being invisible when we are with them. I tried to talk to him about this and he stated I was being unfair- that I do the same thing when we are with my family. I don’t see that I do this- and if I do spend time with my sister, he’s doing something with her husband (my husband gets together with my brother & my sisters husband more than I get together with my own sister) On his side of the family he has 2 sisters- so when he’s with his family being closed off- I’m alone. I’m at the point that I don’t want to be around them because it is so upsetting- but certainly don’t want my daughter to see a family divided in any way. What should I do? D.

Answer: Dear D.: The truth is that this would bother some people and not others. Your reaction is about you. I doubt that it is hurting your confidence; it is showing you where you lack confidence. Being outspoken, walking away and then thinking you should be followed and appeased is immature and ineffective. It lessens your credibility and widens the gap.

Why not see a counselor and find out if you can work through this within yourself. How others act is about them. You could take a good book and ignore them or stay home…or you could work you way though it independently. How you are acting is making it about you and confirming that you are not anyone they want on the ”inside.” Blessings, Luise

I Suffer From Anxiety and Depression

Luise Volta — Thu, 07 Jul 2011 15:41:18 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: i’ve never felt very close to my mother. Not since I was a young child. When I was very young, I was diagnosed with p.t.s.d, depression and anxiety, this was attributed to my father’s near death with weeks in the hospital. As I grew older, my anxiety problems only got worse. I have to admit, my mother was always there to help me through it. She comforted me and encouraged me like any good mother would do. But my parents divorced when I was 9 or 10. It was hard on me, & my lil bro and sis. Slowly but surely, my mother transformed into a person I didn’t recognize. She started dating a man she had known since she was a child herself. She began to listen to everything he told her. She became obsessed with him, and began losing touch with her children. She began blaming her distance on me. She accused me and my anxiety disorder distracting her from raising her other two “normal” children as she so put it. And keep in mind I was no older than 13 at the time. I would have anxiety attacks, and like any child, I just wanted to be comforted a little by my mommy. I would cry for hours in my room just so she would maybe come check and see why. But she never would. My behaviour escalated into temper tantrums, where I would throw stuff at walls and break things of mine just for her attention. Negative or otherwise. She got to the point where she would bust into my room, belt in hand, and beat me into submission, all while screaming threats of taking me to the mental hospital to be “locked up” forever. (Yeah, and there SHE was the one whipping ME like a madman) I stayed in my rooms for days. Everything I ever said or did was because I was “crazy” as she rationalized it. My mom would always say things out loud and flaunt about how perfect my other younger siblings are in front of me. It made me cry and sent me running to my room in tears. She never followed with a sorry or anything. Which is probably where my horrible self-loathing and B.D.D. developed from…To this day my mother denies EVER have treating me that way. She acts like nothing bad ever happened between us. There’s this big empty void in my life between childhood and adulthood where she wasn’t there (Dad took over caring for me and my siblings) She was never there for all my most important milestones. My first serious boyfriend, highschool, prom, my 18th b-day, my 21st b-day. Now that’s all gone and past! And she doesn’t care! She never did anything a normal mom should do! That’s all I EVER wanted in my life was “Mommy!” She acts like we should be bestest friends or something. Whenever we talk and hang out in person, everything I have to say she ignores. As if i’m un interesting. Or she plain doesn’t care about my thoughts, hopes or dreams. I hardly ever get to see her and she can’t shut up about her stupid life (as if I was never there in it!) and listen to me. As if I don’t have a sentient thought in my head. Yet, I love my mom still. I’m always terrified that my mom will die soon (childhood fear) and if she dies she would die never knowing how I truly felt. I feel as though I had a mommy at one point in my life. But I lost her. it tears me apart everyday that I can’t resolve this. My mother has made me afraid of my feelings. I am now 21 and in college, and still live with my father and younger siblings. I still live day to day with anxiety and depression, perhaps some of my depression will lift if I just come clean with her…K.

Answer: Dear K.: By now you must have had a lot of counseling and input about your situation. My take is to just let it go. She isn’t going to listen if you when you decide to come clean with her. Don’t bother. It sounds to me like your life has been about your mother and her inability or refusal to focus on your issues. I think it is time to get that she is never going to make sense and you are never going to get through to her. She stopped listening a long time ago. She is how she is and you have made it in spite of her not because of her.

Maybe it would help to do something symbolic and dramatic like writing it all down, printing it out, burning it and tossing or burying the ashes. I did that once and it worked.

Now is the time to have your life be about you. Don’t get stuck in being right about being wronged. Self-pity will imprison you. You are a special person. You matter. You are not your past and you are not your anxiety and depression; you are so much more than that. Leave your mother to her attachment to denial and superficiality and self-absorption. They are hers, not yours. College and a better life are ahead…turn toward the future joyfully. It’s all yours! Blessings, Luise

Should I Keep Trying?

Luise Volta — Sun, 05 Sep 2010 04:23:35 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: I have been going through a really hard time for that last month or so. I was engaged since April of this year and the wedding was set for October. We have been together for 2 years and she has a 6 year-old son who I love as if he was my own. Back in June we found out the she was pregnant and that was one of the happiest moments of my life. We had been trying for a while due to some medical problems she has, but shortly after finding out she was pregnant we lost the baby due to those medical problems. It was like down hill from there, she started to become very distant and close off to me. Then one day she called and just told me she didn’t think she wanted to be married or be in a relationship. This came a shock to me because I have been there in every way possible and all she can tell me is that she needs to get herself together. But since she dumped me all she has been doing in going to the clubs every weekend plus when I do talk to her she treats me like I did something wrong or she talks to me like she hates me. I am very confused and also very worried about her and her son. Please if you can give me some of your wisdom. Should I just walk away or should I keep trying to find out what’s going on? Thank you. D.

Answer: Dear D.: Your fiancé may need counseling and/or medical care. She isn’t going to find peace going to clubs and pretending she’s a carefree, party girl. The loss of a child, even when it is a miscarriage, can cause serious problems. She needs to be seen and diagnosed…and if indicated, treated for whatever has thrown her off track. It may be postpartum depression or hormone imbalance to name a few possibilities. I, of course, have no idea.

If she has fixated on you as the problem instead of her support system, there isn’t much you can do about that except to tell her that you simply don’t understand and have no idea how to help her if she won’t let you do that. You can’t do much for her if she is in denial. Does she have family you can appeal to?

It’s a heartbreaking situation for both of you but all I can recommend is that you distance your self and, for a while at least, remain available if she changes direction. Blessings, Luise

I’m Dying for a Grandchild

Luise Volta — Thu, 19 Aug 2010 18:56:54 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: My daughter is 29 and has no kids yet. I so want to have my grandchildren. I feel myself so deeply unhappy and depressed because of this wish. I know I should not press on my daughter about my wish .I feel she will get angry if I even let you know on my wish. I know I should just wait and hope. Could you give me any advice not to feel so unhappy. Thank you in advance. D.

Answer: Dear D.: You are the cause of your own unhappiness, of course. It’s a total waste of a good life to not have it be the way it is. It’s your daughter’s business, as you know and if you persist, your yearning could easily grow into an obsession.

Stop it while you still can. Start a “Gratitude List” and write down everything you are grateful for. (I do it every morning and every evening.) If you find yourself pining for the illusive grandchild during the day…read your list over and add one thing. Every time you re-read it, add one more.

You can also come over to my Web-forum where women help each other resolve their issues: www.WiseWomenUinte.com

And if it persists, see a counselor. You are so much more than your biological role. Blessings, Luise

My Mom is Overprotective

Luise Volta — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 03:41:15 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: I’m a boy and my mom is overprotective. I don’t know what to do any more. I tired to talk it out with her but she’s too worried. I can’t talk on the phone, go to a friend’s house, maybe go to the movies or even go by my old babysitter, they were kinda like family to me Can you please help me? R.

Answer: Dear R.: You need an advocate to speak for you. A relative, former sitter, your dad, a minister, a school counselor…but be prepared, she may not listen.

Your mother needs help with this. She probably needs to see a counselor. We all panic (I was a mom) when our little ones cease to be little and branch out. We have to deal with it and face the risks. It’s very, very hard. She’s suffering from anxiety.

As a result, you are being robbed of the joys of growing up. That’s a subtle variety of abuse but she doesn’t know it. Find someone who has some influence and see if you can get their attention. Your problem is real and it is harmful for you to have such strict limitations. You deserve a better life than this. Blessings, Luise

What Am I Doing Wrong?

Luise Volta — Sun, 23 May 2010 02:29:33 +0000

Question: Dear Luise :I don’t know what to do. I have a 17 year old son that acts very angry towards me. I do EVERYTHING for him. I was just cursed out because I asked him to write his graduation thank you notes with no scratch outs. I sent out all 75 announcements without asking for his help. I was going to print his thank you notes, but they were too thick to go into my printer. He says that he is only happy when he is with his friends and feels lonely a lot. I took him to the dr. today and she prescribed a mild antidepressant. He is VERy smart but VERY lazy. All through school, especially high school, I had to always stay on top of his school work and talk to teachers to make sure he was doing all assignments. Most of the time he wasn’t . Still, he managed 2 partial academic scholarships and a VERY high ACT score. I am so very sad all the time. Constantly worried about him and doing things for him. I can never relax. I do so much for him and he still continues to treat me worse than garbage. When we come down on him for something he starts saying he shouldn’t live. As long as we don’t correct him for anything, we don’t hear that. He only treats me decent when he wants something. What am I doing wrong? S.

Answer: Dear S.: I don’t know. I would try a good psychologist, if he will go. It sounds like he has a sense of entitlement and has found that he can manipulate and maneuver you to his advantage quite easily. He’s using his smarts to outsmart you and that’s so sad. Both of you lose. He’s not a happy camper…he’s dissatisfied and depressed with the game he is playing. His big gun, threatening to take his life, is a very dangerous one. Get professional help ASAP, even if you have to go alone. Blessings, Luise

Why Can’t I Do My Housework?

Luise Volta — Sat, 22 May 2010 18:55:26 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: I am 25 years old with a 3 year old. I have a gigantic problem with doing my house work. No matter how hard I push myself I cannot bing myself to do it. Its like there is this invicible wall that is stopping me. I’m a single mum so there is no one that can help me, and I’m tight on cash as my little one’s father does not support us at all. I need to know how to fix this so that I can be a great mum and so that I can have the lovely home that I want. I’m starting to get more and more dispondant with life and the only one that can bring me out occasionally is my 3 year old. I need help, I don’t know what to do any more, I’m going crazy. J.

Answer: Dear J.: Talk to your doctor about this and see what he recommends. It sounds to me like you need medical and possibly psychological attention. The sooner, the better.

I had that problem when I was a young mother (60 years ago) and it was horrible. I got help and became a “neatnick.” No one could imagine that there was ever a dirty dish in my sink or a task left undone.

Most of us can’t get out of that kind of a block without professional help. Please be good to yourself and get checked out. You and your child deserve the best. Blessings, Luise

Was Saving Him Wrong?

Luise Volta — Sat, 08 May 2010 05:20:06 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: My son was kidnapped when he was 3 years old by his paternal great grandmother because when I finally got away from her severely abusive grandson, she feared she wouldn’t see my son anymore. She used everyone she knew to get and keep him. After 3 and a half years of fighting, I finally got him back a year and a half ago. My son is 8 years old now, has pervasive developmental disorder, attachment disorder, and completely resents me for taking him away from his great grandmother who did nothing but spoil him and feed him. When I got him back, he didn’t even know how to wipe, or dress himself. At 6 years old, he weighed 114lbs. After being home with me for under 2 years, he has lost 40lbs just because he isn’t allowed to eat a whole pizza, a box of macaroni and then McDonald’s for dinner every night. In my house there is a healthy, loving stable, nurturing, environment with stability, routine, as well as rules and expectations. He recently started hitting and scratching himself when he gets frustrated and I overheard him on a baby monitor saying he was going to stab me in my sleep! His teachers and everyone always talk about how sweet he is, but he holds so much hate for me. I don’t know what to do. He just came back from a week stay at a psych hospital because he punched himself in the face so hard it was badly bruised. They said he was fine for them, and were just going on about how sweet and pleasant he is. Come to find out it was probably because he had a whole team focusing on him, he got whatever he asked for, didn’t have to brush his teeth, got to do all the fun stuff I don’t let him do, ie: unraveling the entire toilet paper roll to stuff down the toilet, and his temper tantrums of throwing and tearing up his things went unnoticed. His normal therapist doesn’t know what to do with him. I don’t know what to do. I feel like a complete failure because I don’t know what to do. Do you have any suggestions that I may have missed? S.

Answer: Dear S.: I have no training and no credentials and you have professionals working with you and your son. All I can see is that his great grandmother has all but destroyed him. You are the bad guy in his eyes and in time you may be in danger.

I don’t have a clue. He may end up needing to live someplace else. Blessings, Luise

Should Go Back to my Husband?

Luise Volta — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 23:06:56 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: My husband (47 yrs old) and I (30 yrs old) have been married for going on ten years, have been separated for about six months now and have formally filed for a divorce. He has been physically (about five times), sexually (twice), mentally (innumerable), verbally (innumerable), and emotionally (innumerable) abusive to me in the past. He even denied me children, as I raised his two daughters from two prior relationships. He would rip-up prescriptions written by my OBGYN in my face and tell me that was what he thought about having children with me. This is the fifth time I have left him, but the four times prior I was only gone for either a couple of days or weeks. During our marriage, I saw two counselors on my own and we saw two other counselors together. The second counselor we saw together, two years ago, told him that if he touched another hair on my head, she would see to it that he went to prison for a very long time, and he has not actually hit me since. Although, he has acted like he would do so, and even backed me up to a wall on two occasions. Once, by pushing my nose with his finger, and the other time by pushing my nose with his nose. From the moment I left him, he has been begging me to come back home. He has been going to counseling on his own since I left, claims to have read two self-help books and all of a sudden says that he wants to have a baby. He claims to be a changed man and promises to never abuse me again. Now, I heard all of this kind of stuff each and every time I left in the past. On past occasions, he would tell me that I was right and would never hurt me again, but after a month or two of going back he would start abusing me all over again and would even tell me that he lied just to get me to come back home. This time, I told myself that I was leaving him for good. I felt very confident and right in the decision I had made. I still feel right in the decision I had made. The day after I left him I had coffee with another man and we even began talking over the phone. I did not feel guilty at all. He tells me that he just cannot believe that I could start talking to another man the day after I left him. I simply decided that I was not going to allow myself to feel any more pain. I felt as though I had wasted so many years trying to please my husband, as I had nothing to show for the marriage. I was abused, had no children, and left him all of the marital assets, with the exception of my truck. I just wanted to start my new life immediately and was very excited about the idea of finally being happy. I didn’t, and still don’t want to waste another day of my life. None of my dreams ever seemed to matter, and certainly never came to fruition. I was thoroughly unhappy in my marriage and could not take any more mistreatment. All I ever wanted was for my husband to treat me with love, respect, and appreciation. I spent the majority of my marriage trying to gain his approval of me as a wife and mother to his children. I worked full-time and went to school full-time to get a degree in education. Nine months ago I had even added another part-time job at night on top of my full-time job and school. I cooked and served him dinner, cleaned the house, did laundry, children’s homework, my own homework, etc. He would tell me that I did nothing. I began suffering from severe anxiety attacks about six years ago. They would get so bad that I felt like I might die. I would eventually accept fault, apologize, and beg for forgiveness for any event that spawned an argument. Throughout the past six months, while I have had my moments of pain and uncontrollable crying, they have been few. Sadness has only gotten the best of me maybe five or six times. I have felt sane for the first time in maybe seven years. However, I have moments when I miss him, and if I call him or speak to him for any reason, he has a way of making me wonder if I am making the wrong decision by divorcing him. He tells me that he knows that I still love him, and if I divorce him I will be making a huge mistake. The trouble is, of course, I still love him. I married him because I wanted to spend the rest of my life happily ever after with him. He made me laugh. He was intelligent, talented, charismatic, and attractive. I wanted children with him. I did not leave him because I did not love him. I think I lost all respect for him as a man. When we spend any time together, he always wants to have sex. He says he just wants to make love to his wife and that he has been waiting a long time, but I don’t want to. I don’t even have the urge to have sex, when we are together. The idea of it makes me angry and almost sick. Will I ever be able to get past the things he has done to me? Will I ever regain respect for him? Can men like him actually change? If an abusive man waits six months for a woman, goes to counseling on his own and reads self-help books, could he have actually seen the err of his ways and really change? He continually tells me that all he wants to do is show me the love, respect and appreciation that I deserve. He admits that he treated me very badly and tells me that he owes me the rest of our lives to make it up to me. Could he have really changed? I don’t want to make a mistake. What if he really has changed and then treats the next woman the way I should have been treated. What if he gives her a baby? What if I never fall out of love with him? Am I really even in-love with him anymore? What if I never fall in love with anyone else and never have children of my own. None of these things bothered me before, as it seemed that it was easier to love him from afar, with the hope that I would eventually be able to get over him and move on, rather then love him while in the same house with him. Even the possibility of never having children after leaving him did not seem to matter, as I was certain that he would never have children with me anyway. Am I simply clouded, because I have recently begun spending time with him? Should I give him one last chance? Should I go back to my husband? Please, help me. I don’t want to spend another day of my life in misery. I want to be happy. I don’t want wake up in the same position ten years from now. C.

Answer: Dear C. You can love someone you can’t live with. And you can be addicted to someone who will eventually do you in. Those situations exist and as far as I know, no one can help anyone who won’t help herself.

I don’t have a crystal ball. “What ifs” are a dime a dozen and not worth even that, to my way of thinking. All I can do is look at the odds and wonder how you can be seeing him again and thinking about trusting him again with your hopes and dreams. I think it’s terribly sad.

You have apparently never learned that you are in charge of your own happiness. It isn’t to be found in another person. Once you have cultivated inner joy…you may or may not find another like-minded person to share it with. I found my prince when I was 62 and he was 78. Now, he’s 98 and I’m his full time caregiver. We have had eight children of our own. How? That many adults have been drawn to us and call us Mom and Dad for one reason and another. Isn’t that a hoot?

If you’re up for it, it’s probably time for counseling that isn’t centered around him, what he does to you and how long you have been his victim. It’s time to heal whatever keeps you from finding yourself and standing tall. It can be done.

I have a saying about marriage, and this is it: “If your life isn’t better being married than it was being single…what’s the point?” Will he ever change? What do you think?

You deserve so much better than this. You really do. Being alone and childless is so much better that this. So is being hung by your thumbs. Blessings, Luise

Why Does His Mother Comes First?

Luise Volta — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 03:52:51 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: My live in boyfriend’s mother treats him like he is her husband. She has never married and doesn’t date. She basically chose to be alone. His father passed when he was seven and they were never together. He doesn’t communicate with me about things going on in his life but he communicates with his mother, which makes me frustrated. He doesn’t get his mail at our home but at his mother’s. He calls his mothers house his home, anything of his she says is “ours” (his and hers), she even thinks she is getting his car when he gets a new one (he is not financial secure right now). They have their bills together (like car insurance, he pays her cell phone), when he moved in with me he didn’t tell her right away and when she found out she cried. We have lived together for 7 months and most of his clothes are still at her house. He has to take her on job interviews, to every family event, to the doctor. He has said to me in the past him and his mother are one! Which I can’t even understand what about when he gets married he can’t be one with his mom and his wife! He recently had his 30th B-day. I was going to have a party, then I wasn’t and so on. Our relationship has been rocky for months and I was laid off. I decided no party. I told him he wasn’t having a party; that I thought if anyone should do it someone else should. After his b-day passed in a fight he said I was wrong for not having one. I said if anyone is wrong it’s your mother! Who you have helped for years pay her mortgage, basically you have done everything for her your entire life and you just had a 50th for her. He said no she is my mother! She can do no wrong because that’s his mother. I try to explain how I feel and that the way he treats her is the way he should treat his wife one day. He has her on this pedestal I believe a wife should one day be on. There is no room for a wife because your mother sits there. I am in my late 20′s I want to get married and have a family. He always says he wants to marry me and have kids with me. If he asked me to marry him I would say no; I don’t feel we are one. I feel he is one with his mother. I tell him my issues and he thinks I am jealous. I have been one with someone once before and I don’t feel like one now. Do you think there’s hope? He’s 30. Can he change? I don’t want to waste my time if he can’t. Like I said I am looking for my life partner and I just think he needs to cut the cord! I know I can’t make him do that, and I don’t know how to make him see how I feel. J.

Answer: I would “get the heck out of Dodge.” The guy has a mindset and he simply isn’t interested in your issues. You aren’t docile enough to play second fiddle. Good for you…but that’s the only way it would work. Blessings, Luise

Who Is This Guy Who Calls Me Mom

Luise Volta — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 23:24:01 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: My son will not talk to me. We had a small fight earlier in Dec but we have since made up. We have always been close and when he gets upset with me wants space. He is 23 and married with a baby. 5 months in town and I was trying to find out where he lived because he said I could see the baby. I work and I do not depend on him. I thought maybe I could visit him and his wife, (who is so painfully shy that it is interfering with her life) and the baby…maybe a couple time a month for about 2 hours each. But he won’t tell me where he lives. He won’t answer his phone calls and he won’t email me back. I keep asking him what is wrong; begging him to tell me what is going on; I can only guess. I even called up where he worked just to make sure he was still alive. I do not call his work because I don’t want to get them involved or pester him. I believe everyone should have his or her own opinion and I am not going to smother him. But this is totally out of his nature. It is so irrational of him. He is really a mature and rational person. I keep coming up with it must be his wife’s fault. Maybe she decided she did not want his side of the family around or she is in post-baby depression. I haven’t said anything bad about his wife. I even try to say good things and give them gifts like clothes or candy or shoes since they are just starting out but I try not to over do it and I always tell them if they don’t want me to do it to tell me. But he will not talk to me to tell me why he is ducking me. I wish I could stop loving him and pretend he doesn’t exist because he is really hurting me. I will give him time but now I am starting to get really mad. I am afraid if he does contact me I may say something stupid like “who are you, I don’t know you,” which would defeat the purpose of having a relationship with him and his wife and baby. Help I am at my wits end. C.

Answer: Dear C.: You didn’t describe the subject of the fight you had with your son and I wonder if it was about your interest in your granddaughter and your wish to experience an extended family. It sure seems like a hot topic…mostly reflecting her shyness and his protectiveness. I don’t see you as that far off base.

I think you are right, though. Your requests were misunderstood. In retrospect you now know that you should have waited for them to take the lead. Unfortunately, none of us has crystal ball.

I don’t see anything you can do now except wait and hope that it isn’t forever. You have done everything possible to apologize…with no response. Your son knows how you feel and what you want. To keep it up will only add fuel to the fire.

Please come over to my web-forum: www.motherinlawsunite.com It looks to me like you could use some support. Blessings. Luise

Should I Cut Him Out Of My Life?

Luise Volta — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 01:23:15 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: My 23 year-old son lives with his girlfriend and I live with my boyfriend. The other day my son told me he was in love with me and has been having thoughts of having sex with me since he was 13 years old and pretty much said he would like to do that. I just couldn’t believe it. I was in shock! He broke my heart. I cant bare to speak to him or ever see him again, because he may always have these thoughts. I plan on telling him that we can no longer have a mother and son relationship with him. It breaks my heart to do this, but it’s killing me the way he is thinking. I know that he is sick and needs help. I just need to understand why. This is hurting me so. I just can’t stop crying. Please help. Am I doing right by cutting him out of my life? A.

Answer: Dear A,: Please see a one-on-one counselor about this. I think there must be a way to say no to your son’s proposition without disowning him. I have read that most teenage boys have similar fantasies about their mothers. Whatever pushed your son over the edge and into acting out in the present…needs to be addressed by him. Whether or not he will do anything about it is his choice. At 23, he’s making his own decisions. However, there must be a way to close the subject with him without closing the door. Blessings, Luise