MomResponds.com: Ask Questions, Get Answers » Helping Others

What Am I To Do

Luise Volta — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 02:23:59 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: I have been divorced for almost 10 years. I have four children from that marriage 3 boys and 1 girl. Their ages are 22-girl, 19 male, 17 male and 15 male. My ex-husband remarried a month after the divorce was final. I am still single raising the two younger children alone. My daughter is with me because she lost her job and her car. My oldest son lives with his father’s parents. Recently my oldest son has been leaving with different family members it seem like he moves every month or so. His grand parents called me to say they do not want my son to live with them too long. I called his father and all he say is HIS WIFE does not want my son living with them. So of course he goes along with her answer. I have been very upset because I need help with my son and I can not do it alone. I already have my hands FULL with my grown daughter and 2 other sons. I work 2 jobs and I am a full time student. I have one car and there are not any transit buses that come to my community, so you have to have a car to get around. My ex-husband have 2 cars and a 2 parent household. What am I to do? T.

Answer: Dear T.: Please come over to my Web-forum and put your question to the wonderful women there, so you will get other perspectives besides mine. I started it because the simple question and answer venue used here does not always work. Sometimes a person needs more support over a period of time to move forward. We are at: www.WiseWomenUnite.com

My take is that anyone over 18 needs to be told that their parents have finished their job…and they are now 100% responsible for themselves. Anyone losing a job can get another one…and no car means renting a room close to transportation. They will never mature if they are still being treated like dependent children. Saying “no” is a gift of respect.

I know you will get other viewpoints but it is the one my parents took with me and with my sisters, it is the one I took with my children and it is the one they took with their children. Believe it of not, they all turned out great. Blessings, Luise

Should I Honor His Wishes

Luise Volta — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 04:56:05 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: My son is 35.He is having surgery on his jaw.I want to postpone my leaving for Fl until after the surgery.He does not eant me to postpone.He says he has lots of vriends and his fiance will be there.I am hurt but should I honour his wishes or just show up at the hospital.He is my only son. My husband and youngest son have both passed away.Pleade let me know your opinion. N.

Answer: Dear N.: This is about your son, not you. He wants you to go on to Florida as planned. My take is that it doesn’t have anything to do with the fact that he is your surviving son or that you have lost your husband. It has to do with his kindness and consideration and your acknowledging that.

I would suggest that you thank him and ask for a full report from someone designated to keep you on top of things by email. He’s respecting you. Respect him in return. He sounds like a great guy. Blessings, Luise

She Needs Help

Luise Volta — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 05:13:24 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: My granddaughter got in to some trouble when she was living with her father my son . She was getting help until her mother went and took her and her sister away from him while he was at work. I have many grandkids and love them all. But either here are there she needs help she is 15yrs. Her sister went back to her fathers she didnt like being with her mother. I have only seen her three times in two months . Growning up her and I was so close but when she came back here I could see and tell something was wrong. I know what happened already and was hoping she would talk to me but she hasn’t . Now her mother is mad because the other daughter went back to her father and they are mad at me. Her mother lets her date a 18yr boy and I’m not sure if she is even going to school. I want what is best for my granddaught. She is moody, mean, says very bad things to people and on the internet. I was hoping her mother would help her but it seems like to her all of this is OK. I leave in the state ok Oklahoma and would like to know what you can segust for me to get her some help. If she cant talk with me are is mad that is ok but I want her to have the help she needs. Thank you, M.

Answer: Dear M.: I think I would ask my pastor and also go to the school in her area, whether she attends or not, to ask if anyone knows how you can get help. The biggest problem you may face, when you find help, is the possibility that your granddaughter may refuse to accept it. She is being neglected and another name for that is abuse. She is very fortunate to have someone in her life that loves her when she isn’t very easy to love at this time. You’re an amazing woman. Blessings, Luise

She Has So Much Potential

Luise Volta — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 02:26:14 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: where can I download information to help a young lady I know, she has been out in the world on her own since she was 14, has a 2 year old child her aunty and uncle take care off, she is so used to being on her own and fending for herself for so long, now she has met me and my family we have shown her what it’s like to be loved and wanted,and it’s no issue giving her a helping hand but every time she gets close to people she runs a mile because she seems to think when she lets those barriers down she will get her again. PLEASE help me this young girl has got so much potential. Thank you. L.

Answer: Dear L: I don’t know of any way that you can help someone who is afraid to be helped. Counseling can often assist a damaged person to reframe their concepts but they have to want to do that and be willing to go through the often grueling work it requires.

You can offer to help and you can show her by example that you are not going to hurt her…but she has to reach down inside of her own perceptions to allow them to change. If and when she is willing to do that, then support is of huge value. Until then, it may be viewed with fear and mistrust. Blessings, Luise

How Can He Spot That Trait Again

Luise Volta — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 03:57:20 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: what is the best way to help my son? He is 35, an actor, and has just separated from his wife. He is an easy going person and she is a very abusive person……..extremely abusive. From moment to moment she put him down, degraded him and told him that he was of no value. We all understand why…..control over a very handsome/successful man? Well, he was married for 5 years and is really mentally beaten up since he did not believe in divorce he stayed until the very end. I just try to be supportive and bring some laughter into his life and tell him that he is not alone. What else can i do? I have also suggested that when he feels like it that he shoud go to counciling to be sure that he does not repeat this pattern again. He tells me that while they dated she was wonderful but weeks after the marriage she changed into a different person? How can he spot that personality trait again or is it impossible? I have heard other men say the same words. K.

Answer: Dear K.: He can’t spot that personality trait again. People who act one way prior to marriage and then switch to being someone else after marriage are very careful not to give themselves away until the knot is tied. It happened in my family and I know the horror you are referring to.

Sometimes we know who we are getting and sometimes we don’t. We always think we do and all I can add is that perhaps we need promise to love ourselves forever and act promptly in our own best interest if we are deceived. Some stay to the very end and it is 50 years. If a belief system demands that a life be forfeited, I simply don’t understand it. He deserves so much better and only he can give it to himself. Blessings, Luise

Cults

Luise Volta — Sun, 16 Oct 2011 02:26:12 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: Have you ever worked with cult survivors? My ex is the head of a satanic cult and is very dangerous, evil excuse for a man. E.

Answer: Dear E.: I did find your questions. They are entirely beyond my scope.

I have no experience with cults. Neither this site nor my Web-forum is a place where it can be addressed. I’m sorry. Blessings, Luise

We Get Angry

Luise Volta — Sat, 17 Sep 2011 15:26:00 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: How do you talk about money/job matters with adult children (son and daughter-in-law) without anger? K.

Answer: Dear K.; You pretty much don’t…because they are adults, even if in name only, and it’s their business, not ours. They need to be turned loose and left to their own devices. We no longer provide money (“loans”), food or shelter and they learn as they go. Simple but not easy.

What’s up for adult children is how to make choices and the consequences of poor ones. If they ask for feedback and advice, we can be there for them but we need to let go of what they do with that advice. If they don’t ask, we watch, silently, and many of us pray a lot.

If you feel you need support, please come over to my Web-forum. We are at www.WiseWomenUnite.com Most of us are struggling with the same issue…”How do we stop being parents to floundering, young adult children who look like they still need us…and let them mature?” It’s pretty similar to how we watched them try to walk, fall and cry when they were babies. If we had picked them up and protected them from that and carried them, they would never have learned to walk and would have become cripples. Blessings, Luise

Can I Take Legal Action

Luise Volta — Thu, 15 Sep 2011 17:30:56 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: We raised our Granddaughter from the time she was 12 till she was 18. When she met her current husband she started changing in her attitude with us. They had a premature baby and we were there for all of them from the very beginning and for the first year things went fairly well even though she did stop us from seeing them for a short time because I fed him a bottle she did not want him to have but I did not know that and she was outside at the time. We could not see them for about two months when she started letting us see them again. Then one day I made a phone call to find out some information concerning and she got mad over that and has not let us see our Great Grandson since then He just had his second birthday and we were not even invited to the party and also she has another son and we have not seen him at all and he is 5 months old. We have never done anything harmful to the children nor the parents. I would like to know if I can take any legal action to get visitation. J.

Answer: Dear J.: Grandparent Rights differ from state to state if you are in the U.S. You would need to see an attorney. Before you do that, please consider coming over to my Web-forum www.WiseWomenUnite.com for feedback from other women who are facing the same thing. You may win but you may also lose. Parents can turn children against others if they are motivated to do so.

Your granddaughter has adult status and is at choice regarding her children and all of the other aspects in her life. She has created a new family unit and they make the rules there…just like you did when you started your own family unit…(although I am sure yours made more sense and were more fair.) Your contribution to her for the six years you had her is not a factor except in your heart nor are your perfectly reasonable expectations. She has no obligations to honor either. For most of us, this is very painful to accept and get past. I know because I have been there. Blessings, Luise

He’s Actually A Really Nice Boy

Luise Volta — Wed, 14 Sep 2011 17:04:35 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: I have a 4 year old son who is not talking/understanding us so well. The doctors keep pointing towards Autism. He is being check out by the Children’s hospital next month. He’s not so bad, just late with talking, and it seems sometimes he’s in his own world. He also has a problem with hitting other kids. His teacher says he’s regularly hitting other kids. I’ve also seen him hit other kids for no good reason. I’m sure he understands that it’s not nice but he just doesn’t seem to show any signs of improvement. My husband and I will discipline him by putting him in the corner, but that has no effect. I don’t know if he understands us some times, so its hard to know if we are doing the right thing. I am hoping some one else has some good advice on this, because other parents at his school have complained about him. I don’t want him to get kicked out of school over this! He’s actually a really nice boy, but he just suddenly hits kids or animals for little or no reason. V.

Answer: Dear V.: Good for you for looking more deeply into what is going on. I think you will have a lot more to go on when the testing that is set up for next month is complete and recommendations have been made. I don’t know anything about autism but I do know that your son is not a candidate for a regular school. The teachers there aren’t trained to deal with the kind of behavior he is evidencing. And it isn’t fair to the other children who are being abused by him. (Hitting without provocation is abuse.)

Take him out of school. Don’t let him get “kicked out.” He is just a little person unable to cope for some reason and being rejected for that only makes it worse. Blessings, Luise

She’s Not To See Us

Luise Volta — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 18:13:45 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: i’am 38 yrs old and have a daughter who is 19yrs just got married and told by her husband you are not to see your family or i will divorce you can she is very scared and sticking to his rule is this allowed in australia she is always crying to see us me and her are like two sisters her little brother misses her greatly she called me last and said mum what can i do i told her to leave him did i do the wrong thing she also said mum its been four months and he is still the same and if i was to even call you he will divorce me bare in mind this the man who promised us to take excellent care of her he is abusive and threatening her all the time he is 28yrs please tell me what can do my husband is going crazy as to why did he turn out like that we were so nice to him she is now 3 months pregnant and she is not to tell us or thank you for listening. Z.

Answer: Dear Z.: Your daughter is an adult and she has to handle this or suffer the consequences. You can’t make the decision for her and take over. She is married to a pathological abuser. If she stays there is nothing you can do. It’s her choice. If she has the strength to face up to her mistake, she will open up the chance for her and for her child to move on and seek a normal life with your support and love. You all deserve so much better. Blessings, Luise

How Can We Get Along

Luise Volta — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 16:27:50 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: hopfully u will respond to this before i give u my question u should know i am autistic diognosed in late teens and possibly obbsesive compusive (not sure about the last one havent been tested for that) as well if you cannot answer my question please tell me so so i dont wind up waiting for an answer that isent coming any way me and my mom just had a fight and well i am hurting alot from it… emotionally. you see i am a bit obsesive about apology’s and i was asking for one (a few times since i need to do a breathing thing right after i hear it but that only takes a second or two) any way my mom then throws a tantrum about it slaming doors and such (during a different fight throwing stuff around) so i became very upset not just for what happened but also because she yells at me alot for such things as for trying to get some one to stop annoying mewhile im in my room and there being loud outside my window. it once got quite bad to the point in which i had to cut my arm to stop the fight (again different fight months ago dont worry it wasent anywhere near a vein or artery i made sure and the docter said it was minner and i know stupid idea and it dident work just yelled at me more and insulted me plus had to fix it my self in with out help ) anyway back to now i kinda started to cry and she dident even take that as a hint that she had really hurt me the fight was an hour ago… i think and then she asked if i wanted to move away from her which got me more upset because well i get lonly and its hard for me to make friends in real life (not to mention i dont know how to pay a bill) so its a really big hot button for me cause it makes it sound as if she dousent want me so all this has really made me feel unwanted and unloved since as far as i remember we never spent time togather at home including during childhood so i was wandering ….. how can i get my mom to start acting like my mom you know not like treating me like child or anything silly like that but acting like she wants to be my mom like soothing me when im crying knowing what not to say to make upset or angery at least some of the time i mean, not trying to force me to leave my home especialy since i pay the rent and she dousent make enough to do so herself or other such motherly things at least a very a very small potion of the time i might be an adult male but that dousent mean i want to leave my parent or not have good realation ship with her…especialy considering she isent good at takeing care of herself and yells at everyone as well you should know my father left before my birth so he isent around please help and also forgive my bad gramer any advice is greatly apreciated and welcome. K.

Answer: Dear K.: I know nothing about autism and I also know nothing about a person cutting himself to solve a problem. It sounds to me like your mom is overwhelmed. You both probably need counseling and supervision but what I would do would be to start treating her like a child. I don’t mean in running things or writing checks and paying bills but in seeing her as not able to cope and in trying to find ways to help her cope and feel better. One of you needs to step up to the plate and be kind. I don’t think she knows how. It is my guess that you do…because you are the one writing to me and wanting things to be better. You both deserve so much better but I think you are the only one who can make that happen. Blessings, Luise

My business Is Failing

Luise Volta — Tue, 06 Sep 2011 22:31:31 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: i own a business m’y two sons are working for thé co. One son 8 years thé other son almost 1 year what do i do? Business is falling and its not working out with thé 2 there they put me in a hole im 59 I have a heart for both dont know what to do or say please help. M.

Answer: Dear M.: I don’t see any other choice but to get together with both of them at the same time and lay the facts out before them. It isn’t working and you have to act responsibly and quickly. Your heart doesn’t want to have to do that but it is the only thing you can do. Blessings, Luise

I Think I need Confirmation

Luise Volta — Mon, 22 Aug 2011 18:17:11 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: My daughter has moved out once again, and has told me once again that I was the worst mother on planet earth and it’s my fault she turned out the way she did. She is 22, this is going to be the 5th guy she has shacked up with since she graduated high school, worst of all she has a baby girl that is 7 months old. I let her move back once again because of the baby. Next time I will have to tell her no, she can’t come back. Is that harsh? My family agrees with me, she has used and abused them as well. They tell me when her life falls apart again, and it will, I should not take her in again. They feel I need to let her go so she will realize what hard is. I wasn’t a perfect mom, but I was the best mom I knew how to be. She always had everything she needed and more. I think I just need confirmation from a non-related party. If you could help, I would appreciate it. K.

Answer: Dear K.: You are right on the money and I think you will need support to stick to your guns. As long as we come to the rescue of adult children who are refusing to grow up and become responsible for the consequences of their own choices and actions, we are underwriting their failure to do so. Please consider coming over to my Web-forum where you will meet and be welcomed into a community of understanding women to whom this is not new. You will need support to get back to your own life and let her get on with hers. We are at: www.WiseWomwnUnitel.com Blessings, Luise

Can She Deny Him Custody?

Luise Volta — Sat, 13 Aug 2011 23:08:25 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: My son and his girlfriend had a child and split up. He pays child support but recently she won’t allow my son to visit with the baby. He filed for joint custody. She wants to give custody to her mother, the child’s maternal grandmother, to keep my son from getting custody. Can she do this? C.

Answer: Dear C.: This is legal question of some depth and should be addressed immediately by an attorney. Blessings, Luise

How Do I Relate?

Luise Volta — Thu, 14 Jul 2011 01:00:15 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: I have a 32 year old son. Married 14 yrs. to a lady I love and like.They have the two most wonderful little people born in this century, I’m pretty sure. The kids, her 4.5 and him 3 well thats for another day. .(we live 500 miles apart. My son calls me 2 or 3 times a week, with little things mostly….I’m purty sure he is one of the neatist people,,,ever, His currnt job going on 4 yrs now and the one before that was 7 years,they love his, What’s not to love, Apparently I decided to become almost blind to there alcoholism. It gets worse. My son “and” my daughter in law are “drunk drivers”. That is why my son finally had to tell me. 3 days ago he got his 4th DUI. Pelican Bay was mentioned. He’s on bail, with court next Wed. I’m taking a crash course =no pun intended…in alcolism and DUI’s. It’s been awhile. Let’s just say my son is the first of his generation to have the gene of Alcohol. Old school. My mom and sis were raging alcheholics, but it’s been over 30 years since they got sober. Practically everyone of my mom’s generation were alcholics in my family,but very MIDDLE CLASS and they ALL sobered up eventually and it didn’t kill any of them as far as I know. I’m no real prize either mind you. I’m 60 and 10 yrs. on disability because of “severe depression”…See? No prize. My son is an amazing guy. He has had other bad habits in his teens, but when he makes up his mind to stop, he does. I,m most scared of his wife. She too, is one of the neatest people you could meet. Both of them are great parents (ah hum), until this little “alcohic/drunk driver” thingy came up. Both of them are in wishful thinking still, saying they can stop “on there own”…good luck on that. Thay are almost a week sober.I’m knowing that there’s not a damn thing I can do to help. What I want to know is “how to be” around them now. I have a long held flight to visit them next week. The day we find out if he goes to jail or prison. This is one of most surreal moments of my entire life. And I’ve had a pretty interesting life. I’d love it if you’d write to me if you relate. V.

Answer: Dear V.: Just be yourself. You sound like a realistic and compassionate woman. That’s what they need. No answers and at the same time, nothing swept under the rug. We are all imperfect. That takes away our right to judge and preach. You aren’t going to be an “enabler” and you aren’t going to lecture; you’re going because you care. Blessings, Luise

Finding My Brother After 36 Years

Luise Volta — Sun, 26 Jun 2011 14:59:33 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: i am first born and my mum 72 lost her baby boy 5year old, when i was 12 and now am 48years old. when when i discussed with my mu whether we can look for my brother she said she will be grand to. My brother lives in Dondoma Tanzania with his dad.i have my brothers photo and his father who fathered him. Please give me advice on how to trace him and assistants my Mum to reunite with hers son. will appreciate your assistants. thanks and God to bless you. L.

Answer: Dear L.: Go to a good lawyer. He will help you find your brother. How wonderful that you want to help. Blessings, Luise

I Have No Legal Guardianship

Luise Volta — Sat, 18 Jun 2011 22:47:40 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: my youngest son was in a bad marriage both were at fault but the wife was a little worse. my son ask me to come help. i came and eventually lost my job to help out. over the year he ended up with full custody because i was in place to help raise them. the ex wife got nothing had to pay child support ect. I spent all my money over 36 thousand dollars and had to go back to work. had to move to another state for eight years my life was my little grandchildren and work. I put them in Christian school and all the while my ex husband and i had agreed to help our son get his degree. He went to school but partied most of the 8 years when he wasnt at school he was out most every night with friends and women he met. I was always with the children. He met on the internet a woman that was very loose. she had two children by two different men and says she is pregnant with my sons. IHe had an off and on relationship with her before this happened (pregnancy) he told me and his dad the girl was crazy he had tried to break up with her ect. He told all about her including the above. that is how I know about her. He has a habit of lieing he lies all the time about any and everything. He had mentally hurt me with lieing..me believing only to be finding out he was lieing (he is very good at lieing. He at one time even told me thats why he didn’t want his girls around her because she was the way she was. This went on and on it would take a book literally to tell all he has done. These little girls were like my own. I was always there for them he never was out of 8 years he maybe spent 1 month total with the girls. that is pushing it. it was so seldom. He spent his money from school loans and grants and a part time job on himself and women. out of 8 years it would push it to say he spent maybe 500 dollars total on the girls. I had alot of financial trouble as did his dad. But we helped each other out. and the girls never wanted for anything. I became disabled my health went down. I expect to eventually get better one doctor told me it would be at least a year and I would have to take baby steps to get better. I was still able to watch the children. the youngest I had raised from a 5 month baby and the oldest was 3 when I got them. They are now 8 and 11. He took them and moved in with this woman and her two kids from two different men. He is mad because I do not like the woman. He refuses to bring the girls to see me. I do not know where they live. he has not told me or his dad except the city name. I love those girls with all my heart they are my heart. He brought the youngest one by for about 10 minutes. and then brought both for about 15 and keeps on saying he’ll bring them. He did this after several weeks of not answering calls and text. It is doubtful the baby is even his. only time will tell. But thats his life. His dad and I had always bailed him out of every trouble he got into..we have been helping him financially for many years. He has never had to do anything. Yes we have now realized that he is selfish as he is because we always swept up after him. This is not an exaggeration. He has been in all kinds of trouble and situations that we picked up the pieces for him. We have done this in love when we know now it should have been tough love and let him fend for himself. The girls I love with all my heart and they love me. They called me mama becasue I was the only mom they ever knew. The oldest one I told the story of her birth mother and would have told the little one at the age I told the older one. Children are different and the oldest one was more mature minded and she knew I was her grandmother and mother based on the fact I care for her like a mother. When he took them out he has been angry and then when things started getting tough for him started trying to be “friendly” But at different times he would text me nasty things when I would beg him to please let the girls come spend time with me. One night he text me in filthy language. I need to also tell you one day a couple of years before he took the girls. He was dating another girl and one of the children told me he had brought her here while I was at work and she and her baby sister was told to stay downstairs. She sneaked up the stairs and saw the girl (as she put it) take her bra off mama. There is no telling what else she saw before she sneaked back downstairs with her baby sister. He has done so much of the same only with this particular girl he ended up walking in on her and another man that was the only way he woke up and left the relationship. But before he did this and between the bra incident I had spoke to him about this he cursed me and I said do not talk like that to me again. He got right in my face and said it again and I slapped him. He then slapped me back and knocked my glasses off. This is the type man he has become. I have always helped him as his dad also did. We have another son who is a little older but is a responsible caring son but is many miles away (several states) and we don’t get to see him very much. Now I am here unable to work (I pray to be healed and be able to work again) I have took a back set because the stress from him taking the girls stress makes my condition even worse. But I have great faith in God. I am praying He heals me as well as fixes this mess. I cry all the time these girls were like my own. I wanted my son to eventually find a good woman but he has always gravitated to the same type woman. He reads the motorcyle and tatoo mags that show the women half dressed and that is the type woman he gravitates toward. I have only told you a few details because as I said it would truly take a book to tell all . Bottom line isI am hurting for those girls. The brief times (1 both of them 1 just the youngest) came they hugged me and squeezed tight they are scared of their daddy because he has a bad temper and they do love him, but don’t want to have him holler at them. They told me how much they love me and miss me. All the while looking over their shoulder to make sure their dad didn’t hear them (he had went outside to use his cell phone) This is not right but I never had legal guardianship..but I was more of a parent than him but as you know you have to have legal guardianship to do anything. I need help but I don’t know what…I am hurt to the core. T.

Answer: Dear T.: You did your best. That’s all any of us can do and you deserve so much better. Your FAITH will get you through this. Remember one thing, you were whole before you ever became a parent or a grandparent. You can be whole again by accepting the unacceptable. You have no choice and to let it ruin your health and life is too high a price to pay. Blessings, Luise

Getting Help For Her

Luise Volta — Mon, 06 Jun 2011 01:14:58 +0000

Question: Dear Luise :my son in law has anger issues and is vey controlling with my daughter and four grandchildren . how can you determine if a person has battered woman syndrome? and how do you get help for her( my daughter ) when she’s under his control and probabbly afraid but wont admit it. J.

Answer: Dear J.: The toughest part of the issue is that you can’t help someone who won’t help herself. I would go to a counselor and explain what your fears are to ask if the is any way you might get through to your daughter. All you can do beyond that, that I know of, is to let her know you love her, you plainly see what she is against and you will help her in any way you can if she wants your help. Blessings, Luise

I Feel Envious

Luise Volta — Sat, 04 Jun 2011 14:19:35 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: I am a 30 year old married man with children. I was raised in a single parent household by my mother who recently died 4 years ago. I have 2 sisters who live in another state and I have no contact with any other family members. I’ve always wanted a brother and a father figure in my life. I belong to a church and feel as if I have made invaluable friendships with some of the church members. I feel that I now have a mother and father figure in my life. Just recently I made friends with a young man who I feel connected to despite his flaws. He is not married and has no children and I view him as a brother. Although I am busy with my own family, work, other friends and school I still prefer to communicate with him and I feel a need to protect him and be around him all the time. He lives with his father, mother and brother and they appear to be very close. Although I am friends with his other family members I feel closer to him than any of the others. We often have long talks on the phone and exchange numerous text messages daily. I really don’t want to become clingy and insecure but I do feel a little envious when he is hanging out with some of his other friends. I never felt this way about anyone before and I really am uncomfortable at times. Should I ease back on the friendship or continue to nurture it? I have other friends even a best friend and I’m fine with having space in-between the relationship. With him I am not and I am not sexually attracted to him either. Please help me figure out with this is all about. G.

Answer: Dear G.: It is probably time to back off. What is being established between the two of you is out of balance for some reason. Jealousy is always about the person feeling it and not about what is actually going on.

Filling in the gaps of your life through new relationships can be very healthy. The parental figures you have selected offer that. The difference is the intensity. Let the young man go that is hanging out with his own friends. Create some distance. You may have paved the way for him to do that. If you find it painful, seek some counseling to help you through your own issues. You are an insightful person to have looked so closely at this. Blessings, Luise

It’s Not Like I Can Run Him Off

Luise Volta — Mon, 16 May 2011 21:53:11 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: about 9 years ago, my son had a bad brain injury and now he is doing good, he is getting around good. u have to talk to him a little or get to know him to see his brain injury. 2 years ago he started hanging out with the wrong people, with his brain injury he is like a teenager again, but it was easier back then. we always got along and when he turned 16, he got a job, was a good worker and then when he was 20 is when he had his accident. but now all we do is fight about anything, he smokes pot constantly, got a ton of bills, but he has been paying them.but we cant go anywhere without getting into it.i dont like leaving him at home a lot. he is spoiled and i think that is some of it, not getting his way. it is not like i can run him off, he doesnt need to live by hisself. what do i do? P.

Answer: Dear P.: This is a situation that needs a professional. Please find a good counselor to help you. It may not get any better and you need an advocate. Blessings, Luise