MomResponds.com: Ask Questions, Get Answers » Death and Afterlife

My Mom’s Death

Luise Volta — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 03:53:00 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: I’m an only child my mom was all I had. I feel so alone/ I know I’m not but she gave me unconditional love and nobody has ever loved me like that. I’m so scared to be alone in this life with out her. H.

Answer: Dear H.: We weren’t meant to keep our moms but for most of us, losing them is something we can never prepare for. We “knew” them for nine months before we even saw the light of day. And no one, absolutely no one, loves like a mom does.

When I lost my mom, it felt like the world I had known came to an end; even though I was in my 20s, married and a mom myself. All I can do is tell you what I did because it made a huge difference. I don’t know if it will help you or not.

I wrote to her. I sat down and poured my heart out. Sometimes at first, I wrote several times a day…because it gave me a strange sense of connection. I wrote and sobbed. I was hurt and angry and fearful and lost and I didn’t see how I could survive what I felt. I wrote and yelled sometimes…I just couldn’t hold it in and there wasn’t anyone who understood.

Little by little I started to be less and less out of control. I started to calm down without even realizing it at first…and I started very, very slowly to heal. I really don’t know when I started doing it…but I eventually began to write answers back to me from her. No, I didn’t hear her voice and I knew I was writing it…but I knew just what she would say to me.

I went on to have a long, full life…(I am now 85 years old.) But I still sit down at times and write. I talk things over with her and she helps me. I really believe that. When my eldest son died at age 52, she was there to see me through a very different and not so “natural” loss. I wonder sometimes, if, when I pass, if she will be there like she always has been.

That’s what I have in my heart to share with you. Blessings, Luise

I Feel Guilty Over My Father’s Death

Luise Volta — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 23:22:31 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: I am so happy I have your site. It’s been several months since the father went up to heaven and up until this time, I can still remember vividly every details of his very last day in the hospital. I really miss my father. And I feel so guilty, really guilty about his passing. He’s been bed ridden for over a year but his condition got worst only during the last few weeks of his illness. I knew that we are going to lose him because I’ve done a lot of research on the net and read lots of articles, researching about his illness and the signs are all there. But despite that, I shun the idea that he will be gone. Then it happened. I was the one who insisted to bring him to the hospital because I can see his condition is getting worst. My intention thenthen was for him to be better. I thought then that when I bring him to the hospital, the doctors can do something to somehow improve his condition. But then, it happened. I hate to say the word “he died”. And now I feel so guilty. If I hadn’t brought him to the hospital, maybe , he is still alive. Oh my, Luise, please, tell me, should I really blame myself? But on second thought, If I had not brought him to the hospital and he died in our house, without me doing anything to help, I know I’d feel more guilty. I love my dad, but I never had the chance to tell him that. My father is not the showy type. I mean, we know he loves us, but, he’s not the type who hugs and kisses his kids and say i love you. So, we grew up in that culture too. We don’t verbally tell each family member our affection for each other. We just show it action. But I realized now that, it is also important to verbalize your feelings for your love ones. Sometimes, I wish I could talk to God and ask Him one special gift this Christmas: To let me see my father once again, hold his hands and tell him I love him. Thank you so much, Luise for your time. M.

Answer: Dear M.: We all have different belief systems. Certainly you did the right thing to take your father to the hospital to see if anything could be done. And I think we all hesitate to face death, directly. My husband is 100 years old and in a nursing home. I go to see him every day but I do not want to address what is coming. It is my belief that your father knows how deeply you love him because you are his own…and he knows how much he loves you.

If you want to talk to him, I have a suggestion. Sit in a room alone, where you won’t be disturbed. Close your eyes and place your hands on your legs, palms facing up. Ask God to bring your father’s spirit to you and to place his hands in yours. Trust Him to do that. Then tell your Father how much you love him. How you always have and always will. Let the tears flow if they come. Love is the deepest emotion we have. Thank your father for showing you his love in so many ways and tell him that you are going to move forward in your own life to learn to be more open and demonstrative. Ask him to help you, and he will. Then tell him goodbye and let him know that you will be talking things over with him in the future. Love is eternal. Blessings, Luise

Why Didn’t She Try to Help Me

Luise Volta — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 06:27:54 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: I lost my mother at the age of 21 to cancer. Although her illness steadily declined, she kept a fighter’s attitude and said that one day she would regain her health and all would be back to normal (which we believed in and very much supported her attitude.) There were only a couple of times when it got really bad where she had vaguely mentioned that she didn’t think she could continue on living in the painful way that she was and when i asked her if she was done fighting or getting to that point she said no, andso i went with that (which was honestly what i wanted to hear at the time.) Well, she eventually died and what kills me is that we never got to talk about her likely death or even the process and if she was even ready herself for it or even what she would have wanted/hoped for if worse did come to worse. Do you think she expected me to know this and to initiate the hard/awkward conversation? I can honestly say that as a young person at the time who had literally zero life experience with major situations like that did not know anything about the inevitable. I had never lost anyone and all growing up we hardly ever talked about death in our family. Sometimes I wish she would have gone in an accident and died instantly because then there would be no way that I could beat myself up over not getting to say what I/we wanted because there would have been no chance to, but in this case there was, months and months of chances to say goodbye. A part of me thinks she was afraid to tell me the truth or maybe her herself was just not accepting of her own death.In your opinion, does it even make sense for a mother to shelter the truth from her children, no matter how extremely scary? It almost angers me today that by denying everything back then, it seems to have only made it harder for me to move on now. If you have any advice or possible opinions on this nagging pain I would greatly appreciate and welcome it. Thank you! -M.

Answer: Dear M.: Your mother had every opportunity and didn’t take it. We can only guess the reason for that. Mine would be that she wasn’t able or ready to be that realistic or fatalistic. She fought long and hard and may have felt that she had to maintain a positive attitude to support that fight.

You were young and unskilled in such dire matters and unable to address it directly. It’s clear that you were encouraged to evade the issue. There is no way that your mother was trying to steer you toward later regrets or guilt…she was trying to protect you…and herself. She didn’t want to have that conversation, either.

Now, here you are with a lack of closure and a sense of being robbed of the opportunity to work it through with her. She just couldn’t or she would have. She did what she thought was best under the circumstances. All you can do it get that and accept it.

Beyond that, here’s what I did when I lost my mom. I wrote to her. That may sound pretty stupid…letters to heaven? I can’t say I saw it that way, not really, but I just couldn’t face the closed door and the empty space. I wasn’t capable of it when she passed. So, as ridiculous as it would have appeared to others, had they known, I started a “Mom Journal.” I poured my heart out to her…my grief, my rage and my fear. I was still in my 20s and, like you; death was something I had no experience with, much less any reliable belief system established around it.

As time went by I became less emotional and more at peace in writing to her. It became more about sharing my day and my feelings. Finally, I started writing answers back to me from her. I didn’t tell anyone about that, either. I knew it was off the wall and I also knew she wasn’t answering me. I was writing it…but I knew what she would say to me if she could, so I wrote it.

That’s what worked for me. I have no idea if it will work for you or not but you are an articulate writer and express yourself well. What do you have to lose by giving it a try? She is in your heart. She always will be. Blessings, Luise

I’m A Total Mess Today

Luise Volta — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 19:10:43 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: Today November 29th has been 1 year since my mother has passed. And I have cried every single day, sometimes it hurts so bad. I lived in Seattle and my mother lived in Maryland, and when i heard she was sick, i was trying really hard to get back to see her before she passed, but it did not work out for me to get home to see her, everyday life, work, and some illnesses i am dealing with my self just did not allow me. I feel so guilty about that, I was also trying to make a decision if i should leave my job to go home to take care of her. When i got the call she was gone my life has not been the same since. i am angry, i am mad with myself and sometimes God. please any advice will help. i just a total mess today. P.

Answer: Dear P.: You are saying your best wasn’t good enough, if I am hearing you correctly. You had all kinds of things to deal with and now you wish you had somehow transcended them all. Your mom was in touch with all of that and she stayed heart-connected to you. Distance didn’t matter.

You have a choice about how you want to hold this…and beating yourself up is a poor one from my point of view. Your mom loved you and she understood. The last thing she would ever have done would have been to lay a guilt trip on you and it wouldn’t make any sense to her if she knew you were doing that to yourself. Her life ended and yours was complex. She understood that…past tense…she understands that, now…present tense. All she wants for you from where she is now is peace of mind. When you go there in your heart and soul…you will find her. I believe that.

You may want to do what I did when my mom passed. I sat down and wrote to her because I couldn’t stand not to be in touch. Some letters were filled with rage, others grief. I was hopelessly lonely (even though we didn’t even live in the same state) and I went on and on about how much better a daughter I could have been. As time passed and the letters continued, they softened and I started to recount the good times and feel grateful. Finally, and if this didn’t sound nuts before, it will now, I started writing answers to me from her. I knew she wasn’t writing them…but I knew what she would say and so I wrote it. That was 57 years ago and I still write to her once in a while. It worked wonders for me. I have no idea if it will for you. We don’t know anything about death. Not first-hand. I just made up what worked for me without knowing what I was doing, really. I share it with you because it’s all I have to offer. Blessings, Luise

I Don’t Think I Can Live Without Her

Luise Volta — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 05:28:21 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: How can you not be so attached to your parents? I am in my late 30s and VERY much attached to my mom. She is older now and I am ALWAYs SOOO worried of losing her..I don’t know if I can live without her.. I really don’t think so..I am SO scared and so worried..what should I do?? Can u help me please? Please. H.

Answer: Dear H.: You need to see a counselor. It’s going to take time and work to get past your issue and a simple question and answer Web-site can’t help with anything so deep and serious.

Your mother is going to die…you are going to die…I am going to die. I’ll go first because I am already 84 years old. There is no way around death and to think you can’t live without the person who gave you life and is naturally going to die before you do is something that needs immediate attention.

Life is a priceless gift and you are wasting it by not accepting what is in store for all of us and totally natural. Please see a counselor. Ask your doctor for the name of a good one…get into treatment and hang in there until you come out the other side. Don’t waste your life like this. You are a separate, strong, wonderful, independent individual. Blessings, Luise

Will It Hit All at Once

Luise Volta — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 06:44:07 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: I will try to keep this short because I could type forever on this. I am a 33 year old nurse and my mom became I’ll with stomach cancer that invaded her body and took her life in 9 short months. Ever since my mom and dad divorced when I was 12, I have been the adult and the more level headed one. Besides me, her only other child was my brother, who took his life in 2005. She never recovered from this. We lived many miles away from each other. Me in Atlanta, her in Ohio. I visited her in November and she was very ill. It was hard to see her becoming so skinny and losing her hair. But more than anything, being unable to cure her of her physical pain was rough. I flew back to Ohio in December of last year when her prognosis was very grim and she was only expected to live a few weeks. She was on home hospice and ended up in hospital hospice after a few severe delerious events. Every day seemed like THE day she was going to pass. I didn’t want her to go but I knew she was exhausted. Finally it came time for me to fly back to Georgia to get my 2 sons back in school. I planned to fly back to be with her that next weekend. The day after I left she slipped into a coma and died a day later. I feel I abandoned my mom just before she passed. Being her only child, I left her, and although she was not alone (I have a huge family) I still feel like my grandmother and I were the two people she needed at her time of passing. My family is very vindictive and will hurt each other in the worst ways. The things they said to me afterwards were terrible. They said I abandonded her. They tried to have the “next of kin” power taken from me so I couldn’t have a part in her final decisions. But I am competent, took care of everything from many miles away, and paid all of her final expenses. A friend of the family claims that one night she had a dream where my mom told her “Quit Viking”. She didn’t know what it meant. My mom kept saying it. When this friend contacted one of my aunts, she learned my mom had died and that there was alot of fighting going on. My mom wasn’t saying “Quit Viking” she was saying “Quit fighting”. A few days later I was laying in bed with my fan running next to me and I heard my mom say “Hi. It’s me.” I was frozen in fear and couldn’t move. Didn’t hear it again. If those who passed are able to contact us I have no doubt she was looking to say hi. But nothing like that has ever happened. Never heard my mom. Never felt her presense. Nothing. I sort of wish I knew she is near and ok. But other than that I’m concerned that I’m not dealing with her loss too well. It’s hard for me to call and talk to my grandmother who I love dearly, and the rest of my family. I don’t want to feel any grief. Same thing with my brother. I never allowed myself to grieve. Is it all going to hit me at once? What do I do? A.

Answer: Dear A.: My take on what you have gone through is that “Hi, it’s me” was your mom’s way to letting you know that she’s just fine. It wasn’t. “Why did you abandon me?”

When my son died at age 52 of a sleep apnea induced stroke, I got a Voicemail saying to call my grown grandson because “something terrible has happened.” Before placing the call, I turned to my husband and said, “Dwight is dead.” He hadn’t even been ill but the tone on my grandson’s voice somehow told me Dwight was gone. The minute I got the thought…I heard my son say, “I’m fine, Mom.” And when I called my grandson and got the news that he had indeed passed, I was calm and centered. If Dwight was fine, that’s what mattered the most to me.

We usually can’t be by the side of a loved one at the exact moment of death. We have lives to lead and families to take care of and we just do our best. That’s all our loved ones want…our best. Your mom knew you loved her and she knew you were connected Heart to Heart. Now, my point of view is that you are connected Soul to Soul.

You may want to do what I did when I lost my mom…and yes she was also home alone when she died from a stroke. I wrote to her. Whatever was on my mind…I just shared it. After a while (and I know this sounds nuts) I started writing answers back to me from her. I knew they weren’t from her but I also knew what she would have said to me, if she could, and I gave myself that gift. It may not be for everyone but it was a great comfort to me.

My guess is that if you try that and it works for you, you won’t get hit all at once…you will heal. Blessings, Luise

Did I Let My Mom Down

Luise Volta — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 04:33:02 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: I am 23 years old and I lost my mother about a year and a half ago, but I’m still unfortunately having a difficult time dealing with it. All my life, we had been extremely close and I’ve never lost anyone that close to me. When she got diagnosed with cancer, it was literally impossible for my mind to even accept the beyond harsh reality that she probably would die. She even claimed that she would eventually overcome her illness and insisted that i still continue to live my own life and go out with my friends, boyfriend, etc. and so i did. We never discussed how i would continue on in life or what she would want if worse came to worse, and I blame the reasoning for that on us living in denial and/or just being too scared to talk about “death.” The closest we came to talking about the scary topic was when my father forced me to tell her one day that it was okay for her to let go, that she didn’t need to keep living in pain and suffering just to try to stay around for the sake of her children. So I told her that even though I didn’t want her to hurt anymore, I also couldn’t ever bring myself to actually let her go because she’s always been the one person I always said I could never live without. Her response is what still haunts me today. She told me that she knew I could live without her, and that the past 9 months of her being sick proved to her that I could, and that it made her proud. While some people might think that was a good thing to hear i took it entirely different. Did she think that I didn’t love/care enough about her over the duration or her illness? Did I prove that to her by continuing to live my life, although I thought that’s what she wanted me to do? I feel extremely guilty and at the time I didn’t even know how to think or respond to what she said, I was still counting on her to pull through and live. It wasn’t until too late and after she passed away that I realized what the horrible reality was and that’s when all the pain actually really started to set in. I’ve literally been through hell since she’s been gone and it hurts to think that after all the pain I’ve endured since her death I can only remember her telling me when she was still here and still fighting that I somehow “proved” to her I could live without her; as if the situation and feelings then were to be the same situation and feelings now. I know all this sounds crazy and a bit much to get worked up about but I hate to think i proved to my mom that I didn’t love or need her when she was here and I really believe in my heart that this is the main reason why I cannot seem to find any peace and cannot move on. Please, please share your helpful and healing insight, I’m so ready to put this awful thinking behind me. L.

Answer: Dear L.: I am a mom, a grandmother and a great grandmother. Not only that, my great granddaughter is 18! I can tell you without question that your mother was giving you the highest compliment possible. None of us want our adult children to remain dependent. Our measure of success is when we see independence…that’s when we know we did a good job.

Independence is not about being selfish, superficial, or shallow. It is about being solid, normal, and able. There is no mom anywhere that wants her adult child sitting by her bedside 24/7 crying or even thinking, “Don’t leave me.” We all want peace for those we leave behind. I am 84. I can talk about this. My surviving son is 56 and we are really close. He is actually my Webmaster on this site. The last thing I want to do, when my time comes, is to have his life slow down or stop. I want him to go on celebrating life…it was my gift to him.

I doubt if there is anyone anywhere that doesn’t feel guilt when someone we love passes. We look back and see that we weren’t perfect and we think that we should have been. It’s just part of losing a loved one; wishing we had done a better job of letting them go. I get that your mom is smiling. Smile with her and give yourself a “thumbs up.” Blessings, Luise

How Can I Cope Without Her

Luise Volta — Sun, 30 Oct 2011 04:26:19 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: I am 35 yrs old and I’ve been passing through family losses for these past four consecutive years. The last loss was the most painful. My mum passed away five months ago. It was a sudden death. She was fine with no particular illnesses. One day my dad and I just found her lying dead in the yard while having a coffee. It was a shock which left us devastated and we still like living in a nightmare. To add my brother had his wedding planned for a fortnight after her death. Obviously the wedding had to carry on. I have never had friends but my mum was my only best friend and confident. I terribly miss her and sometimes, when I’m by myself i just burst into tears. I still live with my dad but we don’t have a good relationship between us so i don’t find him of much help. She was only 61 and we had so much plans for the future. I am engaged to be married and my mum was so eager to be a grandma. All these thoughts make me feel worse and worse. How can i cope without her? My fiancee’ is being so patient with me because most of the times i quarrel with him for nothing. I am missing her so much.Please help! N.

Answer: Dear N.: I am going to copy the answer I just wrote to someone else because it is all I have to offer. I hope it helps:

“That is so sad and yes, totally unfair. Sudden death keeps the person who leaves from pain and suffering but it is terribly hard on those left behind. I lost my eldest son that way when he was 52.

The way you feel right now is normal and there is nothing you can do that I know of but tough it out. After a while, you may want to do what I did when my own mom died. I wrote to her. I know that sounds dumb but I just had so much to say and being disconnected was too painful. I wrote her letters and told her how I felt…even if it was angry. And eventfully, and this will sound even more weird, I started writing myself letters back from her. I knew they weren’t from her, don’t get me wrong, but I knew her heart and I knew what she would say to me if she could. It really helped me. I have no way of knowing if it will help you or not. She has been gone now, for 58 years and once in awhile, I still do it when I want to talk something over with her.

I honestly don’t think love has any boundaries, time or space. It’s just love.” Blessings, Luise

How Can I Make This Easier

Luise Volta — Sun, 30 Oct 2011 04:16:26 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: On Wednesday 19th October, 2011, my mum was out walking the dog and got knocked down and killed. We had the funeral on sunday we were absolutely devastated and in shock.

I am now trying to stay strong for me and my dad I love my mum and miss her so much but I don’t know if I can cope. It just feels like a part of me has gone with her. It still doesn’t feel real and I just want her back so bad. I’m trying to remember the good times we had but she was only 56 and such a loving caring person. I just feel like it is so unfair that she was took from me and my family and friends. My question is how can I cope with losing her? Every morning I get up now and remember that shes not here. It’s so hard to stay positive. Can you help me by telling me what I should or could do to make life a little bit easier. K.

Answer: Dear K.: That is so sad and yes, totally unfair. Sudden death keeps the person who leaves from pain and suffering but it is terribly hard on those left behind. I lost my eldest son that way when he was 52.

I honestly don’t think love has any boundaries, time or space. It’s just love. Blessings, Luise

His Dad Was Murdered

Luise Volta — Sun, 30 Oct 2011 03:15:19 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: Just this morning i got a call that my 7yr old’s dad was killed. he was assaulted by 3gang members. he was 27. i have no idea on how or what to say to him. his dad lived in Oregon and i live in Washington state. my son looked up to his dad, his dad was everything to him. now i dont know what to do, im going crazy, trying to hold back my tears. i want to let him know whats going on but dont know how to explain it with out it sounding bad.. when i tell my son, i know he’ll ask how and why? again i dont want to tell him he was killed. this is the hardest thing ive been through.. i have never been through this. i have never lost anyone close to me.. Luise PLEASE help me! C.

Answer: Dear C.: I would consult with a child psychologist to see if there is a way to support your son in knowing and facing the truth.

It’s going to sound bad when you tell him because it is bad. Seven is very young to be given such information but I think withholding information can be even worse. He is going to find out someday and then you are going to be the trusted person who lied to him, if you don’t tell him the truth, now.

His dad is gone…he was hurt by some really awful people and he died. My take is that your son needs to know that and to process it to the best of his ability from the place of very limited life experience. Let him know that it’s terrible for you, too. There may be details that you don’t want him to know. If so, keep them to yourself. I think that’s what I would do. You both deserve so much better than this…and life isn’t always fair. Blessings, Luise

Overwhelmed

Luise Volta — Mon, 17 Oct 2011 02:11:26 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: My mother just died three months ago this week (Sat, June 25th ). She was only 67. She began acting sluggish and seemed a little dazed . After three days of telling me she was just tired with her adjusted schedule at work (5am-1pm) I said enough and somewhat physically dragged her to the er. Three weeks, discovery of a mini stroke, two anuerysms, a major stroke from surgery for one of the A-words, collapse of lower ventricals , staff infection in lungs from breathing tube, a seizure , and paralysis on the right side later,she was gone. Disney World couldn’t touch that roller coaster . My best friend and nurturing role model , she moved on and my heart is broken in two. I am number three of four sons and being gay gave my mom and I a “best girlfriends ” twist. We spoke daily. We shopped, ate lunch, went to breakfast, went to salon (I color my hair in summer) , laughed , cried , baked on the holidays and made Apple butter every year in fall with apples from Smoky Mntns camping trip that was our yearly escape for 10 years running. She and I mutually decided I would be best for power of atty so lucky me got to make the call to remove life support. The shock is just beginning to morph into that reality based version of emotional turmoil we call grief. Just found out that my DAD has lung and liver cancer. They give him less than a year. I’m fearful after that one because I’m warped enough right now from this. I haven’t seen him in 9 years and there’s lots of unfinished business there that could leave me institutionalized. Please offer some of your wisdom. B.

Answer: Dear B. Your mom was so lucky to have a close relationship with you. No matter how we relate to a beloved parent, facing life without them is beyond anything we can imagine, when it happens. When we don’t get along…then the regrets also tend knock us over, as well. It’s tough stuff.

Celebrate the wonderful person she was as much as you can and do what you are doing in letting your feelings surface. I know it is hard…but those who go into denial usually have a more difficult time healing. We know we’re all human and we know we will all die but we’re never prepared. Love her. Talk to her. She isn’t far away…just out of sight.

With your dad it may be wise to leave unfinished business unfinished if he doesn’t understand you and respect you. He has a painful road ahead of him and you are never going to be anyone else but yourself…and I hope you don’t even want to be. My guess is that continued distance between you would serve you both. I may be wrong, of course. Many such situations, unfortunately, can only be judged in retrospect. Blessings, Luise

I Feel Empty, Alone and Sad

Luise Volta — Mon, 10 Oct 2011 01:35:50 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: I can’t cope with the death of my mother! She got diagnosed with colon cancer in dec.2010, And passed away June of 2011. She was not only my Mother she was my best friend! She was only 71. She lived with my husband & I which my husband has expected me to get over it! Not very supportive. I have a daughter that is 27 & a major drug addict which I know it is in God’s hands but fear every day she is going to die! I have hardly no friends & the rest of my family keeps to themselves. I can’t function!! I feel so empty, so alone, so sad! I miss my mom soooooooo much!! I can’t bare the fact of her gone! I am under so much stress!! I don’t know how to cope anymore!!!!!!!!!! I also, would like to add that I am a breast cancer survivor but at 46 still dealing with lots of medical issues. K.

Answer: Dear K.: We get hit with these blockbusters and feel so alone with them. I suppose that’s because we all experience grief and loss differently and even when someone understands, they can’t help us. Not really.

I had a horrible time when I lost my mom. We don’t know a world without them in it. We “knew” and loved them nine months before we saw the light of day. To add to that most of us don’t understand death. Many think they do and it brings them comfort…but when the time comes, most of us can’t seem to hold ourselves together.

Death is part of life. It can come moments after birth or any time thereafter. My eldest son died of a sleep apnea stroke at age 52. He wasn’t even sick.

Our job it to get that it is part of life, really get it, and to learn to accept that fact. Everyone and everything that experiences life, looses it.

What I did when I lost my mom was to start writing to her. I suppose that sounds silly but we had a relationship and then, suddenly, there was nothing. I was so lost and I knew self-pity would finish me off. I also knew my mom would have hated that. So, I poured my heart out on paper…sometimes weeping and sometimes furious…but I felt “connected.” After a while I did an even stranger thing and I started writing answers back from her. I knew they weren’t from her but I also knew what she would say to me, if she could and I found it comforting. That was my path to healing. It happened 60 years ago and I still do that every once in a while. It sooths me and gives me a sense of balance that nothing else can. I get that she’s “here” in my heart. It may work for you or it may not but if you can, give it a try. Blessings, Luise

Am I Abnormal

Luise Volta — Sat, 24 Sep 2011 21:04:50 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: my mum passed away 2 weeks ago, she was 84, one thing is I have not cried, I feel blessed for her, happy for her, as she wished to go, as in so much pain. i loved my mum so very much, cared for her so why am i not grieving, its like mum s wishes came true, as she prayed every night for god to take her. am i abnormal. J.

Answer: Dear J.: You are normal and healthy and realistic. There is no sense at all in putting yourself through the misery of not seeing the blessings your mother’s death was. You are going to miss her and that is also healthy and normal. It doesn’t have to involve pain and suffering.

My husband will be 100 years old on October 4^th. He’s in the nursing home on the retirement community campus where I live and I go over every day and see him…taking his little dog along for him to hold and love. He is done. He’s tired out. He’s ready…and so am I. Blessings, Luise

I Can’t Make Sense Of It

Luise Volta — Sat, 24 Sep 2011 17:11:14 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: I am literally the most sad I have been in my entire life. My mom went into the hospital for back pain on August 13th, was diagnosed with esophageal cancer and died 3 weeks later. She was always afraid to go into a hospital and never come out. She always hated the month of Sept. as this is the month she lost both of her parents and her grandparents. Now she lost her own life in Sept. Exactly what she always feared. She was only 58 and after a long life of sadness and disappointment, she had finally found peace and happiness. She was not ready to go and appeared sad and scared right up until the end. I am 7 months pregnant with my first child and she was the closest person in my life. I have a surviving father that I have no relationship with, he didn’t even call me to extend his condolences when my mother passed. And though I have an extremely supportive husband, he does not replace my mother. I miss her more than words can express and can’t stop thinking about the sadness and fear I saw in her eyes when she realized she was not going to make it. She was not ready to go and I was definitely not ready for her to go. I tried to remain strong for her while she was in the hospital, but have fallen apart since her passing and can’t seem to find any peace. I loved her more than anything now nothing else seems to matter to include my pregnancy which had previously been something that brought excitement and happiness to all of us including my mom. What can I do? I just want to believe she is happier now and okay, that she is No longer in pain even if I am. I’m just not able to make any sense of anything in my life anymore. Help PLEASE! M.

Answer: Dear M.: We can’t make sense of death. I think those who say they do are more afraid of it than we are. Death is the only thing we are assured of when we are born. We’re perishable by nature. All life is. That said, we are going down a futile road when we see it as unfair. My eldest son died at age 52 of a sleep apnea induced stroke. He wasn’t ready. None of us were. He wasn’t even ill. Conversely, my husband will be 100 years old on October 4^th and none of us are willing to let him go. Life is all we know.

What I did when I lost my mom was to write letters to her. I just couldn’t let the relationship end and I didn’t know how to go on. I was 28 years old and, like you, pregnant. In those letters, I poured my heart out and then little by little I started sharing with her about my daily life. Eventually, and I know this is really off the wall, I started writing answers to me from her. No, I didn’t hear voices, I just knew what she would say and I comforted myself by writing it to myself. The strange thing is I began to heal. What I came to know, in my own heart, is that she never left…I just couldn’t see her. Love is not visible or tangible but it never dies. Blessings, Luise

I’m Keeping To Myself

Luise Volta — Mon, 05 Sep 2011 16:42:53 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: I just lost my mom in February of this year. She lost her battle with lung cancer and in her last years she lived with me. And I took care of her full time. I have 2 sisters and 2 brothers and they only helped me sometimes. Well since she’s gone now, I wanted to know if it’s normal for me to seclude myself from them? I just fell better expressing my emotions with my small family circle ( husband and kids). It seems like they understand me more. But I just cant help but feeling like keeping to myself. Thank You. A.

Answer: Dear A.: Your grieving is your experience. Your loss was recent and your closeness to your mother prior to her death was a strong factor. She was there with you. Often one family member takes on the responsibility that you did and I commend you for it. You made a huge difference. I did that for my dad and I have never been sorry.

Process it in whatever way helps you through it. If you have some feelings of anger or disappointment that you did the most and the others did a lot less, let those feelings up and out. They are healthy and normal. Secluding yourself is one thing but being unable to forgive them is another. Look closely to see what’s going on with you. They are how they are and you can’t change that. You are how you are and wouldn’t want to be any other way. Better days are ahead. Blessings, Luise

I Miss Her So Much

Luise Volta — Mon, 05 Sep 2011 15:10:52 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: in may i went to see my mom and found her on the floor dead no clothes on she had ben there maybe 2 days i talked her a couple of days before and she said she wanted to die i made her feel better by talking about my son whom she loved she was having lots of troublt brething my brother took her to the doctores 3 days in a row i guess her pulse was weak the doctor did not tell my brother she need ed to be in the hospital any way i feel so bad she died all alone and canot stop feeling guilty how do i get over the fact thta she had a massive heart attack. I miss her so much. C.

Answer: Dear C.: Losing our moms is something none of us is prepared for. Most of us can’t be there when they leave. Even when they are hospitalized, there just isn’t a way to know the exact moment. Doctors can’t always determine what’s wrong in advance and when they can, often nothing can be done about it. You found your mom, which increases the trauma and adds to your pain.

You just lost her four months ago and you had her with you for your whole lifetime plus nine months before that. There is probably no reality for you yet that she is really gone. And of course there can be no acceptance until the reality sets in. She lost her mom and your son will lose you. We can’t stop that or really understand it. All that’s left is acceptance.

She couldn’t stay any longer. There wouldn’t have ever been a right time to say goodbye and if you had been sitting right there beside her when she died, holding her hand, it would still have been beyond your ability to let her go. When you can, let go of the circumstances and the “what ifs” and know that she was free of her suffering in an instant. Free.

And when you can, think about what she would want for you. She gave you life. She wanted you to live it to the fullest with joy in your heart. Talk to her; I still do that with my mom and when I am very still, I know what her answer is. I don’t hear it, I just know…because I don’t think her spirit has ever left me. Blessings, Luise

It Could Have Been So Different

Luise Volta — Sun, 04 Sep 2011 19:50:28 +0000

Question: Dear Luise; I find this to be very silly but yet I am still writing you. I have no answers for anything I feel the last two years, however I have two amazing blessings which are my two children that i have gained. My mother passed away two years ago. I had no idea how difficult it would be to lose a parent. At the time, I was so concerned about my father, brother that I didn’t grieve. I was just taking care of my father and my own family and going on with life like it never happened. My daughter was born june 1st and three weeks later my mother had died just for no reason just like that. we went from talking about our plans of her and family being here to my family hiding the fact that my mom was very sick worse then what she told me. I remember her telling me that she wasnt going to make the birth of my daughter and that she would be up the following week well with that said I was down there when my brother called me telling me my mother was dying. My mother she was my best friend we talked 3, 5 times a day told eachother everything with her not being 110% honest with me with the health problems hurt me and hurt me even more with no one else telling me. They said that she told them to not tell me that it was important to have a good delivery and be able to be strong for a new born. Everyone knew but me and my husband. when i went the night to see her, i can still see it. I wanted her so badly to meet my daughter thats all she ever talked about. when i saw her she was a different person but still there if that makes sense. her organs were failing which she was starting to see things, talk funny, and then come back and be normal. i remember her holding my daughter she was so happy and then the moment she started talking funny i took her and my husband stayed in waiting room. she thought the whole night that my daughter was in her arms, it broke my heart but in the end it saved her. few days was with her she started getting better she told me to go home i was tired, a new mommy, i lived 3 hours away i wanted to stay but yet i feel guilty that i was tired and left to go home. i talked to her every day then out of no one the calls were no more i was talking with my dad through him to her. they were lying again. the day of fathers day i woke up i just knew i was going to get a call something just told me. i got a phone call from my brothers wife telling me that my mother was in hospice and they said she had only few hours to live…..i just left no questions asked dropped my daughter off at my inlaws and went to see her. she was sleeping so peacfully when i saw her..ask in sat there talking with her she knew i was there her feet moved more and so on…what kills me the most is i was going to stay with her that night so i told her i would be right back not even 20 min and so on 18 minutes im pulling back up and they are running out telling me she woke up…i got to the room and she was gone…i wouldn’t leave her and then they said the people were here to take her and i just left i couldnt be there i was in so much shock yet so upset…..i have no idea why she lied to me i cant get over any of it i feel robbed of time with her i could had been there i could had told her things i wanted her to know…..I’m just so lost. N.

Answer: Dear N.: Relationships and love, to my way of thinking, are not about how they end…they about the years of caring and sharing and the memories that we retain from all of that. You have end-of-life logistics that didn’t’ work for you when you lost your mom. That doesn’t mean that she doesn’t know what you wanted her to know because you had and still have a heart connection. It doesn’t serve you to get stuck in how you wish it had all played out. It’s over. Regret and anger are not the legacy your mother wanted to leave to you.

Here’s what I did: I started writing to my mom after she passed. That may sound ridiculous but that’s what I did. I poured out to her what I wanted to say and hadn’t gotten a chance to say…or had failed to say. I kept it up until I felt like trying to write answers to me from her. No, she didn’t write them, I did. There was no “automatic writing” or extrasensory stuff going on…but I knew what she thought and how she felt and I just wrote what she would have. It took time…but I healed and I totally believe she helped me do that.

When you can, let go of what is causing you pain and seek what will bring you peace. That’s what your mom wants for you. Blessings, Luise

It will Crush Her World

Luise Volta — Fri, 12 Aug 2011 22:27:54 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: My mother is in stage 5 kidney failure. She is living with me right now. I have 6 sisters and 2 brothers. I am the bottom of the middle with two younger sisters. Everyone one is in agreement that this will be hardest on me than anyone.

I am finding it harder every day to just function. I know that momma’s days are numbered, and that number is way smaller than I would like it to be.

To top it off, out of her 15 grandchildren, my daughter is the favorite. The bad news is that my daughter joined the Peace Corps, and just left for China the end of June.

We have been operating on the plan of momma getting better after beating cancer in June, so my daughter doesn’t know about the kidney failure. How do I tell her, Do I tell her, When do I tell her? They are very close, and I fear it will jeopardize her placement in the Peace Corps.

I can’t just send her an email, and crush her world with no body there to hold her together. I just don’t know what to do. C.

Answer: Dear C.: I think I would let her know that her grandmother isn’t feeling as well as she’d hoped and that she want’s your daughter to know, just in case…that if she should pass she wants her to stay where she is and do what needs to be done. That she wants your daughter to know how proud she is of her and to know that she is doing it for both of them. Blessings, Luise

Why Am I Not Hurting?

Luise Volta — Fri, 29 Jul 2011 00:52:48 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: I lost my mom 8/24/2010 i dont know how to explain but i dont feel the pain i mean she raise me and my 9 brother an sister she was always there for us iam 25 she wash 50 will what iam trying to say us that bad of me not hurting to tell the truth i just think she is out of town what do u think. D.

Answer: Dear D.: No, to me it doesn’t feel like it is bad. We all react differently and for some of us death is a natural event. Some miss the person, yes, like she is out of town. They don’t necessarily go into the pits of despair. Rejoice that you are one of the lucky ones. Blessings, Luise

I Can’t Stop The Blame

Luise Volta — Wed, 27 Jul 2011 19:31:14 +0000

Question: How do I deal with the loss of my mother when I blame my siblings for her death? I had been my mothers caretaker for 4 years at 22 she was near death and I alone brought her back. We never had a close relationship until the birth of my daughter at which time she went to live with my sister to give me relief. While staying with my sister she got an infection instead of taking he directly to the hospital as I would have done she waited 3 days to take her, once at the hospital I told my sister to call me she never did then that night my mother died. I blame my sister for not taking her and for not calling me once there I feel cheated as if my mother had been torn from my arms. Its been 3 years and I still cant let go or stop the blame. C.

Answer: Dear C.: The trouble with such rage, even if well founded, is that it doesn’t hurt your sister, only you. You mom would want more for you than that.

We can’t control others, change them or rewrite history. Getting stuck in being right can also be our undoing. You can continue to focus on the obvious injustice that was done you and your mom, and have it ruin the rest of your life…or you can move on, as your mom would want you to. Making your self a victim and hanging onto it is personally defeating. There is a saying I sometimes use when I get stuck “Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?” The choice is actually yours.

If need be, see a counselor that can help you with this because you deserve so much better where you are with this. Blessings, Luise