Answer: Dear I.: How much she’s hurting you did work and it isn’t fixable. That’s why you are writing to me. You know that. It isn’t possible to change others…we can only change ourselves, and that’s not easy.

I know you don’t want to hear this but you also know on some level that it is the answer.; you need to move out of that abusive relationship. You  are being treated worse than employed, household help. They usually get room and board, some salary, eight hour days and days off. You are being exploited as well as abused. The threats and demands are eventually going to sabotage you and your dreams.

Find a household where domestic help is treated in a humane way, and live there instead. How are you going to meet the demands of Medical school? Are your plans realistic…time and money-wise? Even those who have tremendous financial support find medical shcool grueling. It can be done and it has been but you may need a staff advisor to help steer you through the pitfalls. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear M.: First, you and your husband have to be on the same page. Is he willing to lose his customers and hard-earned reputation, sink the company, go under and close the doors in the name of family unity? If so, don’t cross your MIL…let her do her thing.

She is using her relationship to you as the basis for power and position when she has neither. It’s your business…you built it and you are in charge.

It sounds like you may have failed to define and set up guidelines when she came on board. (For instance, it’s imperative that she does what she’s asked to do.) That has to be corrected. If the business means enough to you to rectify your mistake…face the music as follows: Write her a carefully thought-out and detailed job description, present it to her (privately) and have her sign that she’s has read it and understands it. Then let her know in writing that she will have a performance review in three months and will be put on a formal three month’s probation at that time unless she meets the requirements as outlined. Tell her, also putting it in writing, that if she fails to perform to your satisfaction during probation, she will be terminated. She needs to initial and date everything you present to her and receive copies. (Not initialing is insubordination and she’s out.) It’s a business and she’s an employee.

She may be furious and quit. That’s up to her. Running the business is up to you.

If you want to be more elaborate, (and less focused on your MIL), explain to your employees that you are writing job descriptions for everyone and will be doing performance reviews on an annual basis. Process her first, so they know that you are going to be fair. If anyone else is currently out of line, follow the above procedure. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear S.: We all have a different levels of tolerance for criticism. I have always struggled with that. At one time, a dirty look from another diver when I was out on the road could devastate me. Especially if I felt I hadn’t done anything wrong. Then one day I noticed that when my best friend got what I saw as crippling criticism, she would just laugh and wonder why the other person didn’t see how wonderful she was. She was amused and would laughingly say, “What’s wrong with them?”

It took me forever to realize that the reason criticism dropped me in my tracks was because I already felt “less-than.” Maybe that’s not a good way to describe it but that’s the best I can do. My friend feels really good about herself…so that stuff just bounces off of her.

What others are saying to you is about them…not you. You are studying, actively looking for a job and have a strong work history behind you. Also, a lot of us have poor parenting skills…there is no user’s manual and it’s often a tough job.

Walking away isn’t the only option. We always have multiple options but we often don’t like the consequences of some of them. Still, putting some distance between you and those that seem to enjoy putting you down might be a good idea for a while, if you can manage that. For a sensitive person, all that negativity can feel pretty darn abusive. Good luck; better days are coming. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear J.: Good for you for being willing to work hard. I get the feeling that one day you will be the supervisor and that you will not misuse your authority and play favorites.

I don’t see any reliable solution regarding keeping both of the jobs you are presently working. You are going to have to let one or the other go because you can’t expect others to pick up the slack on Thursdays.

That doesn’t mean that you can’t successfully work two jobs in the future; it’s just that these two jobs overlap and you don’t have the backup needed to do that.

Pick one or the other and then look for a second job that will fit in with your schedule better. And good luck! Blessings, Luise

Question: Dear Luise: I am a 19 year old with a Social Anxiety Disorder, which pretty much means I get really nervous talking to people and being social all together. My problem is that my grandparents and family keep telling me to get a job and start my career but they don’t understand what my disorder is. The main reason I didn’t go to college is because of my disorder. My question is what careers are there out there that don’t require much talking or any at all? T.

Answer: Dear T. Good for you for asking the question and being willing to find out what is available out there. Whether you are comfortable talking or not, you need to see a vocational counselor who works with disabled people. There are ways to study online and there are careers, many involving computers, where you can work at home.

Ppeople with very daunting disorders can lead productive lives…even those who are wheelchair bound and/or blind. Being disabled isn’t something to give in to…it is something to challenge, work around and triumph over.

Talking and interacting socially may be difficult for you but if there were no society, you could not maintain life. Your food supply comes from society, your fire protection and your water. The list is endless and your self-imposed isolation is unrealistic. Learning to interact is a survival technique. It seems to me the to not be a functioning part of what supports you is self-defeating.

I’m not discounting the seriousness of your issue. I’m saying that you are way too young to use it as a basis for not having a life. Each and every one of us can be a valuable and useful member of society…we just need to find our nitch and then make a concerted and sustained effort toward making a contribution.  The rewards outweigh the pain. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear J.: I think it would be wise to hang in there since you are enjoying what you’re doing. There’s a strong chance that the longer you continue to perform well, the less stigma will be attached to you. When and if you do move on, your references will be checked and a glowing report can prove to be worth its weight in gold.

People are so much more mobile in their careers these days. Very few hire on and plod away for thirty years anymore… walking away with the gold watch and a handshake without ever knowing what other worlds they might have conquered. It is now pretty much expected that you will mature and develop in your chosen field though the challenges offered by multiple employers.

It’s a bit daunting to know how to put that into practice, however. Too many moves or moving too soon can be unwise. You have to have your ear to the ground to know “when to hold ‘em and when to fold ‘em.” (As in poker.)

You’ve talked to the VP. Good for you. And the job you want is out there waiting in the wings. Don’t underestimate what it can mean to upper management that you saw what needed to be done and pulled your group up by its bootstraps. They may just want to be certain you can maintain. Blessing, Luise

Answer: Dear Ben: As a matter of fact, I was in mid-management in the disability claims depatment of a large insurance company for many years. And I know what you are talking about.

Looking back ovr my material, here’s a condensed version of what I learned and did my best to implement and support.

Workspace assignments need to be customized to suit the emotions and mechanical skills of individual employees.

Job descriptions often don’t take this into consideration, so what follows is best described as trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Such an approach can produce turnover and demoralization.

We know all people are not alike, but do we capitalize on this information? Looking beyond the mechanical approach to one of implementing a plan of managing a team with interest and compassion can be smart business.

When matching people to workload is approached wisely, the outcome can serve employee development and production, concurrently.

Look closely, talk to people, and don’t be afraid to try different solutions. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear Precious: this is pretty much about priorities, isn’t it? You have decided what matters and you’ve gone after it with a clear plan. Such priorities don’t have to end, but you do need to recognize that they are showing up as what matters most. People meet people at work, you know. They meet people on the bus and in the park and at the Laundromat and at church. Yes, even at Starbucks!

Where is your focus when you are out and about? Do you see each new person who comes your way as interesting or is your mind focused on what’s next and getting there? Are you present? Only when you cut yourself some slack will you begin to start to cut some for others. Have you tried acupressure to relax? (I’m only half-kidding because you need to explore the side of yourself that’s been put on hold.) Do you know how to go into a mattress store and come out best friends with the saleslady? It’s an art called asking, listening and relating. Who will see you as something more than a moneymaking machine, if you don’t?

At this time, you certainly don’t need to worry about marrying the wrong guy just so he can give you what you want. People who start out as strangers with you stay that way…because you have assumed that posture. Marriage isn’t an option.

How well do you play with your female friends? How often do you go on a Mall Raid or a Food Junket? When did you take your last mini-vacation? Where did you go? Who with? What did you do? I’m suggesting that you may have gotten sucked up into your own master plan and forgotten how to goof of and mess around. That’s serious!

Look and see where you can bring balance back into your life. The Starbucks in your town can become a local chat room. The Internet isn’t the only place people hang out. Slow down. Look around. Open up. What are you missing and why? Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear Sheryl: It is so interesting to hear from someone like you, when I often hear from people who say that there is nothing they can do to change their lives. They can! You can! How wonderful that you know it.

I would suggest that you give yourself a broad timetable. Burnout often comes with trying to do too much, too fast…for too long.

Decades before I ever met him, my husband decided to put himself through college. He had a young wife and they lived with his parents. In the custom of Italian immigrants, they turned over their paychecks to his parents and got carfare back! It took him ten years to get his B.A. Degree and he graduated magna cum laude. A very long and successful career in insurance underwriting followed…and he was always amazed, (and had to smile), when someone told him…”I never had a chance to go to college.”

Talk with the counselors at Namti. Ask for their advice regarding the pitfalls of a work/study program. Talk with other students. What are they doing that helps? What doesn’t? Be as careful as you can about amassing debt that has to be paid off after you graduate. It can be devastating and overwhelming to “arrive” and to not be where you wanted to be.

Hit Namti School of Massage in the best of health and with a great attitude. Give it all you’ve got and make sure that you enjoy the entire process! Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear Marsha: Well, you may be crazy to ask me about this! I know more about teaching ants to sing that I do about either golf or hypnosis. If you want to read on, after that opening, let the fun begin!

I think I would go backward before I tried to move forward if I were in your shoes. Since you love golf, I assume you play. Is that correct? If so, why not find an excellent hypnotist and have that person work with you to improve your game. That would give you tangible evidence that it works. Start out creating, hands-on credibility.

Pick someone who lives a long way from you and commute to your sessions. (There’s absolutely no sense in supporting any future, local competition.) Be very careful to document all the data regarding your game before, during and upon completion of your course of treatment.

Then, set up a free, Golf Research Clinic in your home so you can work with local golfers to gain visibility…carefully documenting all of your results. Only after the positive results start to pile up, and you are sure you have something solid to offer, should you hang out your shingle.

When you go about it that way, becoming known, accepted and respected as the Palm Springs Golf Hypnosis Coach…your career will take off and age isn’t going to matter to anyone. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear Liz: You didn’t say much about your employer, so I don’t know if it’s a large company with a Human Resources Department or just a small place with an immediate boss. The only difference is that a larger employer might have a policy for just such a situation and a smaller one might not have had it come up before.

I think I would request an appointment with whoever is directly in charge of you and simply put my cards on the table. If you don’t want to disclose what you are going to have done, then present it the same way you just did to me. However, if it is going to be obvious, like having your breasts enlarged, you might just as well say so.

Explain that you like your job and don’t want to quit so you can have it done between jobs. Also make it clear that you understand that you may not be covered by sick leave. Most employers appreciate a forthright person and a chance to work out a situation in advance. Here’s hoping that’s the kind you have. If not, have it done during your vacation next year. Blessings, Luise

Some of this may be the result of very poorly supervised working conditions, and some of it may be an attitude that you need to address. To sort it out, you need a third party that is in your corner. Go to a therapist about this. See what you may be doing to antagonize the others and what you can do about it. If my gut-instincts are right, you have some work to do to modify and redefine your social skills.

When one person stands alone and a group stands against him, there are usually some serious dynamics at play. When it looks like it is totally their fault and you are just fine, beware. It’s never that simple. You have every right to have a pleasant working environment but until you address the underlying cause of this situation, you will probably take the problem with you wherever you go. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear Lisa: This woman is the problem of your manager. She is not your problem. If your mutual boss doesn’t mind her behavior then there is nothing you can do about it. If he hasn’t put a stop to your complaints, which are open criticism of how he runs his office, then it looks to me like he lacks some much-needed skills. Likewise, if he hasn’t put a damper on your nemesis and brought her into line, it reflects the same thing.

It’s time to focus elsewhere and rise above what’s going on. The more you fuss about it, the more stress you are going to create for yourselves, since it sounds like there are three of you that are having a problem with the situation. Also your reactions may not enhance your status, office-wide.

Conduct yourselves in the way you consider proper for a business office and enjoy each other’s company. Don’t let her have this kind of power over you. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear Carolyn: It sounds to me like you have ruled out the cosmetics, at least the brand you have been offered. Are there any other brands that meet your holistic qualifications that you could sell with an enthusiastic endorsement? That might be worth looking into if you haven’t already. You don’t go into what’s going on in your marriage except to express vague discontent. So, that brings us to your physical problems and the fact that you are delaying working in the massage field.
Do you see the pattern here? You don’t sound anywhere near a crossroads as yet to me. It sounds like you have never even gotten started. What do you want to do? What would make your heart sing? It would appear that you had a serious interest in massage work, since you went to school and became licensed. I understand that’s no small feat. Do your physical issues preclude your ever practicing that line of work or are they an excuse to stall? I’d like you to look more closely at the way you have presented all of this. Then I would suggest you address these things one at a time. Have the physical problems been resolved? If so, do you really want to do massage work? Is it possilbe that you’d reather study and remain dependent that work as an adult? Be honest with yourself…why did you learn it, otherwise? Was it a mistake? Are you afraid to start your own practice? If so, can you work for someone else until you get your feet wet? If you can’t or won’t look closely at these questions and bring them to resolution, then I would recommend counseling with someone who is able to help you move through it. Whatever you do, don’t give up on yourself, Carolyn, because all of these questions have answers! Blessings, Luise

Answer: Dear Iris: I am using an assumed name for you here and that’s fine. I have known secretaries who worked past retirement age but I do need to say that it wasn’t recently, so I don’t know how the job description may have changed. It would be my desire, if it were me, to work at home in some capacity while raising a child. I would suggest that you might want to investigate ways to make an income on the web. You may not find the kind of opportunities you are interested in there, but it might give you some ideas.

I don’t know where you live but have you looked into job re-training or even considered moving into another field through further education? Grants are sometimes available. You didn’t state your son’s age but I’ve known mothers who opened day care facilities successfully, to be able to stay at home and provide playmates for their children while earning an income. Some cities offer aptitude testing. Would you like to own your own business cleaning houses, for instance? I have a friend who is very successful at that, loves the independence and prefers it over the high-tech job she was trained for. There are companies that train nursing assistants and then offer work. It sounds like it may be time for some creative thinking and change. Blessings, Luise

Answer: Hello Howard: Most of us are a lot more than two people…and it’s quite a job to give “everyone” within us a voice. This is one of the many places where black and white thinking gets us into trouble. Neither is good or bad. We’ve all met people who are so serious they can’t crack a smile or rest a moment, and others who are so mellow and laid back that breathing is about all they can manage. That’s an exaggerated statement, of course, but you know what I mean. Very few people actually combine work and relaxation into one comfortable lifestyle. It’s a great concept to shoot for, but professional athletes work very hard and usually need to play elsewhere.

The way to address this is to look at what your short-term and long-term goals are. How much time and effort needs to go toward serious pursuits and how much time and effort can be left for relaxation? There’s a reason for the five day week. Seven day weeks aren’t healthy. And at the opposite end of the spectrum, an endless vacation doesn’t work, either. That’s why so many retired people do volunteer work. You need to attend to all of the various “yous” to be happy, healthy and successful. Trial and error comes into play when you attempt to plan your week around accomplishment and leisure. Watch and see what works. Notice when you become bored, harassed or overwhelmed…and adjust your schedule accordingly. Observe others, because you can learn a lot that way. And stay conscious of your need to live your life in a way that works for you. You’re on the right track by not being unconscious about all of this! Blessings, Luise

New jobs are always hard. You want to look your smartest, right when you don’t yet know what you’re doing. What a catch-22! They can also be stimulating and broadening, and that’s what makes you feel excited. It’s a point worth considering, the fact that you are feeling very “interested”. See it as a road sign you need to pay attention to. You are being drawn to the idea and stimulated by it. When you understand that fear is a natural part of the package, because the unknown always initiates it, why not just be scared and move on ahead? Fear is meant to be a survival instinct, not a personal jail. You can never have a 100% guarantee on this or anything else. The old job could fold and then you’d be relieved that you got out just in time, or the new one could turn out to be a mistake. This “third-person” would advise you to take the plunge. Sometimes not doing that is the worst possible choice, but you’ll only know after the fact. It sounds like the shoe might just fit. Why not try it on! Blessings, Luise