MomResponds.com: Ask Questions, Get Answers » Aging Wisely

Lily

Luise Volta — Sun, 22 Jul 2012 21:24:01 +0000

If there is a crisis hot line where you live, they may be able to help. My site is not for that purpose.

How Do I Get Out Of This

Luise Volta — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 19:16:44 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: I have reconnected recently with an old flame from many years ago. We have good memories but nothing in common. Because we are both alone, we made more of it than is real and I don’t know what to do now to backtrack. He thinks we have a future but I know we aren’t compatible. I want more than a live body. I want a thinking person and he just reads and repeats what he has read. I got that any live body would be fine for him and that he is looking for a future care giver whether he knows it or not. How can I get out of this? E.

Answer: Dear E.: Not gracefully. There is no way I know of for you to exit with kindness and understanding. The lesson lies in where you were driven by your loneliness and what that emotional indiscretion will cost both of you.

I suggest that you don’t try to explain. There is no way that is going to come across as useful in the situation you find yourself in. Break it off without explanation and know that he will find another warm body much faster than you will recover from this experience. Warm bodies abound and compatibility is rare. Honesty is ever rarer. I commend you.

Give yourself room to heal from the loss of something that didn’t exist and if you have anyone you can share your experience with that is not judgmental, do that. Listening with understanding and compassion is the priceless gift of those we love who know us like the backs of their hands and who find us to be fine exactly the way we are. It helps us to do the same thing. Deep healing lies within. Blessings, Luise

I Refuse To Return Her Anger

Luise Volta — Wed, 14 Sep 2011 17:25:31 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: Here I am 77yrs old and never in the world thought my daughter would turn on me. She is 49 and divorced twice from alcoholics. She has a live-in that is showing signs of alcoholism. when I first met him she later asked me what I thought. I am a little psychic: I said something is missing. We get along alright. His brother told me that he is spacy and always has been and until recently has been a outcast in his family. She found out about this conversation and accused me of trying to break them up. She has spent the past two weeks sending me articles about narcissic mothers and that I am trying to control her life.(she has no children) she recently tried to get me to cash in my Ira and pay off her business loan. She has thrown everything at me but the kitchen sink. I have no other relatives and she is not going to be in my life anymore. I could go into more details but it would be too much. I am a Widow and don’t know how to take this. I suspect she is menopausal but that doesn’t explain her behavior. I won’t return her anger and throw up her shortcomings since that is childish. What do I do now? C.

Answer: Dear C.: Good for you. My take is that you were a whole person before you became a parent and you can be whole again. By that I mean, your daughter’s choice of partners and need to find business financing are about her, not you.

I am 84 and even though I live in low-income housing, I am completely independent. I live in a retirement facility ( www.warmbeach.org ) where assisted care and nursing facilities are available if and when I need them. It is a very supportive and loving community and my friends here have become my “extended family.” There is life beyond parenting.

Stay out of discussing your daughter and her live-in with others. It’s clear that only makes things worse. It’s the “he said/she said” thing…and there is always a scapegoat. Beyond that step back and focus on your own life. Contrary to popular belief, it is far from over and many wonderful experiences await you if you can let got of the past. You did your best, as we all did. Now turn toward what’s next. Don’t get stuck in the fact that you deserve so much better, even though that is true. Give it to yourself. Blessings, Luise

We’re Updating Our Wil

Luise Volta — Sun, 21 Aug 2011 22:22:11 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: Our son is 50, unmarried, and totally estranged from us. We have analyzed the situation over and over. We are not monsters, but perhaps we have been too generous over the years. I recently heard that spoiled children often turn against their parents and so maybe this is the case. Our daughter is loving and in our lives with our three grandchildren but we are all at a loss as to what happened to the only brother, uncle and son – he just left our lives and wants nothing to do with us. We have decided we need to let go, but now we are at the stage where we want to update our wills and don’t know what to do. Thanks. K.

Answer: Dear K.: Please come over to my Web-forum where this kind of issue is addressed. www.WiseWomenUnite.com You will find support there. My take is that I am not leaving anything to anyone who says I no longer exist. It just doesn’t make sense to me. Our adult children have many choices and one is to move on as though we never lived…much less are still around. Trying to figure what went wrong becomes a lost cause. You did a good job; ask your daughter and you deserve so much better. We have reasonable expectations that we sometimes have to let go of to be able to get on with our lives.

You still matter…a lot. Blessings, Luise

How Do I Restore The Relationships

Luise Volta — Sat, 04 Jun 2011 17:48:23 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: Until my son and daughter were in college, we were extremely close. In 1990 I discovered that my husband had “loaned” the money I had worked for and saved for their educations to his brother, which was never paid back. Also, my husband, a military officer, retired just before making full colonel and would not explain why. After he retired in 1990, he went into a severe depression and refused to ever work again. He had been borrowing against our house (right outside D.C.) for the two previous years to pay our son’s tuition so that I wouldn’t find out that the money was gone. When our daughter was ready to go to Cornell in 1990 is when he retired and I found out about the missing money and the money borrowed on the house, plus he was hsopitalized for severe depression. {The psychiatrist told me that my husband had the most severe case of passive aggressive personality disorder he had ever encountered. He also tild me that my husband had “convinced” himself that he loved me but that he actually hated my guts because I had done the “ultimate” thing to him–had his children , so he had been “forced” to stay married. That, plus a lot more.) When the children found out about the money, they told us that they had thought that they had the perfect, loving parents and that all their friends envied them, but that now they realized that their whole life had been a lie because they saw their Dad as a liar, and me as being such a dominant personality that I had “forced” him to actually be weak and lose their college money (to which their dad had never contributed a penney,) In a story too long to tell here, I worked four jobs, seven days a week for seven years to help them get through school, was able to buy another, smaller house four years after having ti declare bankruptcy (with my husband because everything was in our names jointly), had a stroke in 1997, had to retire, moved back with my husband to my hometown. I sold the house and bought one in my hometown that my husband loved (I hated). He was very happy there; I gave him a country club membership and he literally played golf seven days a week, went to all kinds of club meetings, etc. Our relationship with our now adult children was never the same as it had been, but was OK. We had come through Hell and were finally happy. Then, in 2006, he found what his doctor thought was an infected lympth node. He was dead less than four months later; the CANCER was in stage 4 by the time it was discovered. I honestly thought that after their dad’s death, my son (single excutive) and daughter (married) would grow closer because I was now completely alone. Just the opposite has occured; they are extremely judgemental of everything I do, they seldom come to visit and when they do, I get physically sick because all they do is act and treat me like I’m an idiot and that I am nothing but an annoyance to them. Everything I do is “wrong” and they dismiss anything I say whether in person or on the phone. I have progressive neurodegenerative brain disorder from a brain injury I sustained in an auto accident as a teenager. Because I had been very bright ( a secondary teacher and college professor) my children refuse to believe that I am slowly losing my mental faculties, that I get easily confused, have balance and coordintation problems, and seizures. Instead, they accuse me of “not paying attention,” and fuss because my house is “so cluttered”, etc. My son told me to move to a smaller house in the small mountain town where my husband and I met, and that, so that I could buy the smaller house for cash, he would help me so I wouldn’t have to be in a rush to sell the six bedroom House I was in. When the actual purchase came, we used all the money I had, and only $50,000 of his, yet he referrs to this as his house. He has come because he suddenly wants the big house sold immediately so I can “pay him back.” He was here (at the new house only six hours before leaving to “take care of” the bigger house 140 miles away. While he was here, he made it clear that he did not kike the way I have decorated “his” house, and that this one “is almost as cluttered as the one HE got me out of.” That really hurt because all my new friends and neighbors love my cozy little cottage and have said how great I have in decorated. When my son gets to the other house (about an hour from now), I know he will call and I’ll catch hell because it is still full of furniture and things I didn’t bring here, I have discovered that I am as AFRAID of my son and daughter’s disapproval and anger as I was of my husband’s. My son was actually annoyed (and said so) that I “am not in as bad shape as I’d said on the phone.” I fell seven weeks ago and have: broken right foot in a cast, broken right wrist that was set incorrectly and now I can’t use that hand, a torn rotator cuff, a broken shoulder (all on the right side) and a broken left ankle. Tomorrow I will find out (from my new orthopedist) whether I have to have immediate surgery on my feet and shoulder. He will do surgery at a later date to try to restore the use of my right hand. My son said I said I couldn’t walk: I’m not supposed to but what can I do? I live alone. He said that I am always exaggerating my health situation and have complained about something his whole life. He blamed me that HE is a failure, (although he makes $280,000 a year plus bonuses), because he is 40, has no wife, children, home, and has a job he hates, and now has had ro take time from his job to fly 3,000 miles to do what I should have done–clean out 38 years of “stuff” and have the big house ready to sell. I moved to the smaller one at the end of February and have been in cast since mid-April. My daughter has changed just as dramatically toward me. She says that I must be the reason for her inability tto have a baby even though the infertillity specialist has told her that the issue is with her husband’s sperm and has nothing to do with her reproductive ability. Both children have told me that all the financial trouble in 1990 that “ruined their lives” was MY fault because i “was always the stronger parent” and “should have known to prevent Dad from giving the money away.” I have been psychologically destroyed by the two things I have loved the most on earth. I did everything I ever did to try to help them with a free and loving heart. I never complained about having to work seven days a week, losing the house I loved–nothing, When I sold the second VA house and moved here, I gave each of them $28,000 because I wanted them to know how sad I was that their dad and I had hurt them so in 1990. I (alone) paid almost$30,000 for my daughter’s wedding in 2002. I don’t understand what I’ve done wrong. They seem to really dislike me now and have no real respect for me. Yhey both treat me like I’m an acquaintance that they are angry at having to deal with now that their Dad is gone. My sister thinks that they are both angry that I didn’t die instead of their father because he left no insurance money, but I have $800,000 life insurance made out to them, plus land of my mother’s that they will inherit. I cannot believe taht the two loving, close children I HAD would feel that way. Do you have any idea as to why they have changed SO dramatically toward me, and can you PLEASE tell me what to do to restore the relationships we once had to any degree? L.

Answer: Dear L.: “Why” isn’t the point. Knowing why isn’t going to fix any thing. There probably is no why. Adult children make choices that they are responsible for and some don’t like that. The easy way out is to blame their parents. I honestly don’t see restoration of your relationships as an option.

You have problems and issues, all real…none imagined, that they don’t want to know about or help you with. That’s not your fault, it’s theirs. You have done your best under incredibly difficult circumstances.

Figure out what you can do to separate yourself from both of them. When your house sells, pay your son back. You can make new friends, rekindle old friendships and have a life of your own. Parenting is something we do for a while and then it’s done and the rest is up to them. We don’t do it forever.

Your adult children aren’t going to be there for you. It’s horrible to face but you need to do that and move on. And I’d cancel those life insurance policies and leave the land to my sister or the Humane Society. I’m serious. You deserve so much better.

I would suggest you move to a retirement center. That’s where I live and I have made many friends here. We have independent living, assisted care and nursing facilities all on one campus. You have a degenerative diagnosis that is going to cause you increased problems and asking your adult children for help and either not getting it or getting it at such a high price, emotionally, is not supportive.

In addition, I have a Web-forum that you might like to join so you can connect with a loving community. It is for women with issues with adult children and extended families: www.WiseWomenUnite.com. Come on over! Blessings, Luise

My Ex-husband Wants Me Back

Luise Volta — Sat, 14 May 2011 00:56:39 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: I have been in a relationship with someone for the past 1 1/2 years. He is 28 years older than me, we worked together for 5 years and we are the best of friends we are so compatible we know we have found our mates. He has had a hard life so he is very mature for his age, you would never know his age. Is this wrong or what should I do. My ex-husband wants be back but I feel I am much happier with this other person despite the age issue. Any advice would be helpful. L.

Answer: Dear L.: Please beware of an ex-husband that wants to hook back up. There’s a reason it didn’t work the first time and he’s still the same guy.

I married a man 16 years older than I am and I must say 28 years older sounds daunting. However, there are some ageless couples around that just don’t care about the statistics. If the two of you are compatible and a Soul-match, don’t let age be the deciding factor. You already have 1 1/2 years into the relationship. Why are you questioning it now?

What you do need to face, however, is that you aren’t going to be together for the long haul. You are going to become a care giver and then you’re going to be left alone in all probability. My husband will be 100 years old in October and is in a nursing facility on the same retirement campus where I live. I go to see him every day and take our little dog over with me. We had 10 good years before he started going down hill and then five more that were limited but rewarding. The last six have been difficult for both of us.

For some love is enough…for others the security of probable longevity rules. You have to look into your own heart. I think you already know the answer. Blessings, Luise

Why A Continuous Care Senior Retirement Center?

Luise Volta — Thu, 29 Apr 2010 18:46:23 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: Some time ago I read your response to the following situation: A son was trying to keep his aging mother from leaving their home and going into a senior retirement center. I felt your response was so timely, when you said that he should honor her request. If you still have that information available would you please send it to me? Thank you, Sincerely C.

Answer: Dear C.: I don’t remember that post, but I am glad to give you some information about where I live. My husband and I moved into a Continuous Care Senior Community ten years ago. We didn’t need to, we just thought it would be wise to make the move when it wasn’t necessary. For years we enjoyed volunteering here and establishing an extended family.

For many seniors, especially those alone, residing with an adult child leaves a lot to be desired. No matter what the mutual intent, there is usually considerable isolation involved. And to some degree, a sense of uselessness can surface. In a community like mine, there are all kinds of programs and activities and many opportunities to volunteer because it is a non-profit. (For profits have to severely limit volunteering because of the possibility of exploitation.) Every year, we log about 38,000 hours volunteering on campus…replacing 18 full-time employees, thus generating a strong and well-earned sense of being useful. Statistics now indicate this promotes longevity. Who wants to sit around being entertained while waiting to die?

My husband, who will be 99 years old in October, is now in our campus nursing facility. Residents are in and out of his room daily because he was so well liked and because that’s just the way it is here. I still live in independent housing and am able to spend 3 – 4 hours a day with him since he is so close…(about 1/2 a block.)

To read more about it, go to: www.warmbeach.org. Yes, that’s a picture of me on the home page.

People who move to a retirement community or an independent living and assisted care facility that does not offer “Continuous Care” have to move to a nursing home where they are strangers at a time when they need the most support. That can be catastrophic.

Let me know if I can be of further assistance. Blessings, Luise

Why Did The Child in Me Come Out?

Luise Volta — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 03:51:40 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: While visiting my son during Christmas, the child in me came out when I saw an e-mail to him from his cousin which had, “Shssssh!” in the subject line and I read it. I felt just awful afterward and I confessed to him what I did. He forgave me after I apologized and promised him I would never do anything like that again. My son told his sister that his wife was angry beyond words with me for what I did. Upon learning this from my daughter, I sent my daughter-in-law a very sincere and apologetic e-mail for my actions with the promise I would do everything to regain her trust. She never responded to my e-mail and yet when I asked my son if his wife was angry with me, he tells me she is not upset with me. I believe he just doesn’t want me to know. I fear I may have damaged my relationship with my daughter-in-law on a permanent basis. I don’t know her all that well since they live in another state and I have only visited with her less than 10 times. What do you suggest? R.

Answer: Dear R.: It’s too late now but I’m not sure that confession is always good for the soul.

The “I told him, he told his sister, his sister told his wife and his wife won’t talk to me” is a long and potentially unreliable way around the issue and sure to make things worse.

I’d let it go until you see them again and then don’t bring it up unless your DIL does. You have shown poor judgment and immaturity, in my opinion…and if she’s wary of you, now, I wouldn’t blame her. “The child in me came out” is pretty flimsy, don’t you think? You are supposed to be the adult here.

Some feel that you don’t “earn back ” trust. Once it’s gone…it’s gone. You can be forgiven, but how can you ever be trustworthy? No one is perfect but you didn’t even try.

Use this experience to raise your self up a notch and let’s hope that no permanent damage was done. Don’t you know that family feuds have started from less?

If you’re interested in bringing in some other views regarding this situation, please come over to my web-forum: www.wisewomenunite.com .

I know I’ve been hard on you, but really, what were you thinking? My guess is that you weren’t. So I have to ask…what kind of role model are you? Blessings, Luise

Why Is Grandma So Hateful?

Luise Volta — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 00:20:49 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: My husband’s grandmother is jealous of my relationship with his mom; her daughter! She hates me. She just told my MIL that I stole her away from her. I have been with my husband for 33 years… married 27 and his mother and I are best friends. We live in different states. When she comes here she likes to stay with us because here it’s “like home” and then her guilt kicks in. Her mother really hates it and says she is a bad mother. After all, she has two other DILs and I get all her time. My MIL is at her house now, taking care of her. She has some back problems. I went to visit yesterday. I knew there was something wrong; grandma was cold. She said she wasn’t up to company. Then she made something to eat and washed the dishes that MIL was supposed to do. I really felt uncomfortable for the first time ever being there because I could feel my MIL’s pain. Then she said how she has been crying for the past couple of days. Her mother is beating her down with guilt. I have three BILs that think of me as their sister and I have always been there for them. Two of them are in 2nd marriages and very are happy and one has been divorced for years. So yes, I have been here through it all. I take my vacations with my MIL. We can spend 3 months together and it still feels like only a week. I lost my own mother 12 years ago and MIL has always been there for me and loves me like her own. I take good care of my husband and our 2 girls, 24 and 19 years old. We have 1 grandson age 5 that we adore. He is our life. Grandma hates the fact that my MIL has a special bond with our grandson because she has other grand children and he is the one she always talks about. This is her first GREAT grandchild…the others re grandchildren. I call her “mom”. What do I do with her mother? She treats us both like we did something wrong and all we ever did was enjoy each other. She hates the fact we have this unconditional love…a real mother -daughter relationship. I am so heart broken. Now, after 33 years of being in this family, I am even the trustee of grandma’s will. Now, more then ever, the glare she gives is full of hate. I am scared that when it’s her time to see the Lord I am only going to remember the hurt from the glares. It’s so sad. My MIL knows she can’t even think about coming to visit us. We are talking about a 88 year old women, a 65 year old MIL and I am 47. What do we do? Please help. J.

Answer: Dear J.: As far as I know, there is nothing you can do except to know that the woman’s perceptions are way off. You can’t change her and you can’t change the havoc she has brought to the family with her insecurity.

All you can do is put up with her and try not to set her off. If you can, try to forgive her for what she has piled on everyone. No one in the family deserves it. Know that all is well in her heart even if it doesn’t show up in her life…due to the fact that all is not well in her emotions. Whatever pain others have experienced as a result of her behavior, it doesn’t begin in to touch the pain she has brought on herself. Blessings, Luise

Everyone’s Bitter Over Money

Luise Volta — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 05:02:33 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: Please help me. My son in law wanted money to pay down his mortgage and because I didn’t give it, my daughter does not talk to me and my grand children only call once in a while. I’m sick. I can’t eat or sleep. My mind is so confused. I don’t know what to do. I need my children in my life. Please help me. My son in law is so spiteful. He told my daughter to tell me I’m not invited for Christmas or other holidays. I was by myself. I have two other children and they don’t care, either, about having a happy family. Everyone is bitter over money. N.

Answer: Dear N.: This is one of those horrible situations where you can’t change those around you; all you can do is change your reaction to all of this.

Your heart is broken. You are alone. You can’t eat or sleep and you weep. You are right and they are wrong. That’s a normal reaction but you can’t stay there.

Beyond that, it’s up to you. Adult children take whatever paths they do. If you had come up with the money to pay down the mortgage, there undoubtedly would have been more demands to follow. It’s a kind of blackmail. Pay up…or you’re out.

All I can see ahead for you is to move through your feelings and create a life without any of them. Look for peace elsewhere. I know that sounds impossible but the fact is that it isn’t a happy family and you deserve better. Please don’t get stuck in your expectations. They can take you down.

There are other things to do, places to meet new friends…like churches and senior centers. There is volunteer work to do with abandoned children and disabled people to visit in hospitals. That’s the only way I have found for myself when I need to move around and/or through disappointment and grief. I have to step out of myself.

Look at what’s going on in the world out there that is beyond your world. In Haiti, for instance, how many of those people would give anything to have your life, complete with your troubles, as theirs is ending in injury and starvation due to no fault of their own. I don’t know if such thoughts can help you regain your balance. They sometimes help me, but not always.

It helps me remember that my life is worth something and so am I. Life is a gift and it’s precious. To remember that helps me past self-pity and resistance when they stop me in my tracks. And they have, many times. I have to take myself in hand and be my own best friend.

The truth is, your life isn’t over unless you say it is. How things used to be is over…but there’s a difference. You *want* your children in your life. You don’t *need* them. What you need is respect and support and it isn’t going to come from them. It takes a lot of focus and energy to create it elsewhere, but it can be done. You are worth it. Blessings, Luise

I’m Disinheriting Them

Luise Volta — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 20:42:23 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: I have 3 grown sons and 3 beautiful daughter-in-laws and a wonderful 2nd marriage. My sons lost their father from als 4 years ago. My oldest son had shown signs of being greedy with family money when my mother died. She thought of my sons as hers. No boundaries in our family!! Since then he has become more and more greedy and lying about it to his wife who now excludes me from the family and Grandchildren (4 teenagers.) She, the wife, has never talked to me but tells the family I am a liar, about what, we are not exactly sure. They both are verbally abusive to me and have told me that I am “crazy”. They have called the bank (I am co-executer of the family trust until I die or become disabled, then it goes to my son) and demanded they be sent monthly copies of the trust. The bank said “no” that was not their responsibility. My oldest son has been dishonest with me on several occasions involving money. Consequently I am leaving a considerable amount of land and money to my other 2 sons and my oldest sons children and leaving son and daughter-in-law out. They don’t know this as of now. My next step is to try for family counseling with my husband and me and son and daughter-in-law. This means a 6 hour drive for us and a motel stay. My youngest son suggested this a year ago as husband I have been kicked out of family get-togethers and it is hard for him to travel 2 places on holidays. Am I doing the right thing? I have not had a decent nights sleep in 3 years over the state of things. As best I can tell we simply are a very narcissistic family and this has been passed down one generation after another. D.

Answer: Dear D. How far you are willing to go to try to repair the damage that you do not understand or feel responsible for, is up to you. We are all different regarding how much abuse we can tolerate.

You might want to bring this issue to my Web-forum: www.motherinlawsunite.com . I created it for the express purpose of addressing issues involving adult children.

I know a lot of people won’t agree with me but I would vote to let your eldest son and his wife have their hate program and move on without them. Family get-togethers built on biology alone would not appeal to me. They are either matters of the heart…or they aren’t. If my other sons and their wives wanted to join my eldest for the holidays, I would set up non-holiday get-togethers with them and enjoy those thoroughly. Then I’d probably take a cruise or something when I was excluded.

Counseling is something that may appeal to your younger son who doesn’t want to celebrate double holidays, but that kind of dishonesty and disloyalty is too toxic in my opinion to take to the counseling table in the hopes of a “happily ever after.”

That’s just my opinion, of course. I simply wouldn’t go there. You have been unjustly accused and now in a counseling venue you are going to have to defend yourself against those accusations. What’s wrong with that picture?

Where your will is concerned, I think what you plan to do makes sense, if your attorney sees it as legally feasible. You are not leaving your eldest son’s children out, you are just closing the door on someone who has attacked you unfairly, causing you great pain and suffering…and who has chosen to close the door on you. Why would you reward that kind of unmerited behavior? Blessings, Luise

No One Calls Me

Luise Volta — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 19:01:56 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: I am the mother of three adult children. My daughter is the middle child and has been the source of many issues that have destroyed my relationship with my family. Her drug rehab counselor told me that she is a master manipulator and I should never allow her to manipulate me. Our relationship is turbulent because I refuse to do what she wants me to do. She has three beautiful daughters and since then has become a lesbian. Her youngest daughter told her that my brother molested her and it rocked our whole family. Because of her love to party and hang out, she allowed my brother to pick up my grand daughter and now he sees her more than I do, and that really concerns me. In the meantime…in order to justify having the convenience of someone to keep my grand daughter so she can party and rest, she told the family that my grand daughter dreamed the incident and he did not molest her. I called and reported to CPS twice and being the liar/manipulator that she is…they ignored my call. Every since this has happened she has been determined to destroy my relationship with my two sons. Unfortunately they are there for her defense and hold me responsible for all of the choices she made and now no one calls me. My heart is broken and sometimes I feel that I cannot go on. The past few years I have spent all holidays, including Mother’s Day alone. I have apologized for whatever it is that they are angry with me and I have asked for their forgiveness. I am 62 years old and for the past two years I have worked two jobs just to take care of myself. I have no health care so I cannot afford a therapist and I don’t qualify for Medicaid. Please help me! C.

Answer: Dear C.: There is no going back. You did your best and it’s clear to me that your best was more than any of them deserved.

I think I would stop working two jobs if it kept me from receiving aid but I don’t know the details, of course, and that may not work for you.

You were fine before you became a parent and a grandparent. There was a time when you were complete as an individual without any of them. That’s what I would aim at re-establishing.

I don’t know where you live, but there are Senior Centers where I live where you can make new friends and create a fulfilling and useful present and future. The past is over. I honestly think grieving over it or trying to keep it alive by hoping to fix and restore it is unhealthy.

Please also consider coming over to my Web-forum: www.motherinlawsunite.com where we address these issues as a group.

You are still a wonderful and valuable person and you can create a life worth living without them.. Blessings, Luise

He’s dropping Us For Her Family

Luise Volta — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 20:57:00 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: I have an adult son who is engaged to a girl that we like and have made many extra efforts to show her how much we like her. My son made plans w/us (mom, dad, sister and brother) to get together and he promised his sister he would take her senior pictures. The first weekend he cancelled because his fiancé had a birthday dinner or something with her family; we rescheduled to the following weekend. Again, they canceled because, again, fiancé’s family had some birthday dinner; well, 3rd weekend and they again canceled due to fiancé’s mom’s birthday dinner! They wanted to reschedule AGAIN after promising not to cancel. I don’t exactly have a problem w/rescheduling; what I have a problem with is that her family keeps coming first – at the last minute; my son told me that they were his family now and made me feel like complete second-class garbage. We have always been very close until now. The worst part is that our family is getting together to celebrate birthdays for son’s dad, aunt, cousin, cousin, parent’s anniversary – all happened in October and we choose this weekend. Last minute, he cancels to have birthday dinner w/fiancé’s mom; 34d weekend in a row; Amy I wrong to feel pushed aside, hurt and upset? I told him we would not bother him anymore and he could just enjoy his new family. It was not nice, but I was so hurt. D.

Answer: Dear D.: There is a delicate balance of power in a new relationship and the repositioning of loyalties, priorities and preferences often seem to challenge it. The worst part about it is that it is usually accomplished in an unconscious manner. The couple seldom sits down and works through any of it.

Your son is smitten. He wants to please. Her family may be making a big fuss over him. His FW (future wife) may be feeling like a queen…perhaps for the first time, who knows? And she may be treating him like a king. This is heady stuff and they are probably not equipped to deal with it very rationally.

If they are pulled this way and that, they may not be able to see the dynamics. She always used to be at all of the birthday parities in her family and now he’s included. He used to be at all his family events, too…but he’s busy going to hers’ now …even though they’re both invited to his. Often there is an unspoken ethic that the home and the issues around it are the wife’s territory and the major career stuff is for the guy to address. They may not be married yet but they seem to be functioning as a couple. It may be confusing and they have very little maturity to call upon.

Everything’s new. Who is going to be in the driver’s seat…and who is going to bend and adapt. How often is it a true and equal partnership? Who is old enough and wise enough when they marry to address such issues? Your son could have said on any of the three occasions, “You go ahead and go, Honey, and tell everybody I said ‘Hi.’ I’ve got a date with my family and I don’t want to let them down. In fact, I’m looking forward to it.” You don’t have to look too closely to see who is heading for supremacy…do you?

It’s not easy to sit back and watch all of this playing out. You have feelings, too, and that probably never occurred to either one of them. They are just kids. If you act like one, too, it will get even more complicated. You need to let them know that you realize they have a lot to sort out. Tell them that you’re sorry that you expressed your disappointment so openly. Let them know that you need to be able to count on them just like her family needs to be able to count on them…and you know they have their work cut out for them. Also let them know that cancellations don’t work beyond emergencies. You have had to drop your plans three times and that is unrealistic and unkind.

Ask them how you can help them sort this out so you don’t become the invisible in laws. If they had grown kids that were marrying, how would they handle it? What would work? Blessings, Luise

I’d also like t suggest you bring your issue to my Web-forum: www.motherinlawsunite.com There’s a lot of combined wisdom and understanding there to support you. Blessings, Luise

Stuck in Reactive Judgment

Luise Volta — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 05:08:35 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: I am a 48 year-old married woman with a 19 year-old son in college. I am self-employed and my husband is active duty military. I have 4 sisters and I am the middle sibling (younger side.) My mother, who I love dearly and would not trade for the world…raised us to accept her controlling ways to the point that my sisters and I pass judgment on each other based on our mother’s interpretations. We struggle with our relationships because we prejudge each other by what our mother tells us. So, we live a coping-dysfunctional life that feels stagnated…year in and year out. I am the strongest out of my sisters; so, my mother generates negativity about me to keep us under her control…Please help! S.

Answer: Dear S.: I find it both amazing and refreshing to see how closely you have looked at the dynamics that are going on in your family of origin.

I would declare a moratorium on triangulation. That’s the “he said/she said thing. It’s never-ending because you often can’t chase down the origin of what was said and everything keeps changing as it is passed on. I would also include on all “opinions.” (They are still welcome to have them; you’re just no longer interested.)

Let your mom and sisters know that you just can’t keep track of it anymore and so you are going to pass. Then…stick to it. Each time anyone starts to give you any data at all involving the others, or handed-down comments about you, remind them that you really want to chat but you’re only interested in what is going on with the person you are talking to at that moment. If they respond (and they will) that what is going on with them involves one of the other family members and/or their opinions, remind them of your stand and refer them to that person to work it out. If they are passing something on about you…do the same thing. Tell them that if the person who supposedly said that wants to discuss it with you, directly, you might give it a whirl. However, you’re not as interested in other people’s opinions as you once were…truth be told.

Be very careful not to make your change in behavior their fault; that will only make things worse. It’s simply because you can’t (and won’t) do it any longer. Be strong and loving and don’t budge. Make it plain that it’s nothing personal; you’ve just hit your limit and you’re done. Blessings, Luise

Should My Mother Save Her Money At My Expense

Luise Volta — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 14:08:29 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: This is long. My 82 year old mother and I have a negative history but I’ve been her main support for the last 9 years.) She lives independently half a block from me. She was getting 100 a mo. from her sister, but her sister is no longer doing that and wants my sister and I to do this. My mother says she gets 18,000 a year plus 40,000 (possibly a bit more) in savings. She will not take any money from savings and she will not let us get her a financial advisor. When my youngest grads from high school 2010, I had planned to rent out my house (in the fall as he goes off to college), buy a used RV and go on the road for a year, staying near my sons and family including my mother. My college son is all for this; we will meet for breaks and have places to stay for the summer. I have been a mother for 41 years. My sister just lost her job, but says even if she hadn’t, she cannot and will not help in any way with our mother. My mother is tired of living alone. I want to cry. Am I wrong in telling her she needs to draw the extra 100 from her savings rather than from me? I actually don’t have the extra 100 unless I give up my RV plans and take her in – the RV rental comes out of the house rental plan and selling my car. A.

Answer: Dear A.: This kind of situation usually activates guilt when we have nothing to feel guilty about. It’s not your fault that your mother wants other people’s money when she has her own. It’s not an unheard of concept but it’s an unrealistic one. If you were independently wealthy, it might be a different story…but I see letting yourself be manipulated when you aren’t wealthy as self-defeating. (We both know that your mother could create $100. a month income very conservatively from her savings.)

You have earned your retirement. That’s my point of view. There are people who believe that their job is to raise their kids and then take responsibility for their parents. It’s OK to choose that, if that’s what floats your boat…but it’s not OK to see it as mandatory. It’s my personal belief that for most of us it’s not even healthy.

There are wonderful retirement centers where older people don’t have to be alone and many are low-income. I’m exactly the same age as your mother and I live in one. I found it for myself, initiated my own move and take full credit for how well it is working out. There’s a strong chance that if you refuse to take on your mother’s issues she will find a sense of satisfaction in solving them herself…(although you may never hear about it!)

There are parents who have a sense of entitlement. I don’t agree. My son is my dear friend but I see my issues as mine to solve, not his. If I did what your mother is trying to do…he would set boundaries in a New York minute.

Your plans sound carefully thought-out and delightful. It is my sincere advice that you not let anyone take them away from you. Remember this, there are people out there without adult children that seem to manage just fine without anyone to be dependent on. It’s all about attitude.

Belief systems come into play here, but I think that when children leave home the Declaration of Independence goes two ways. Blessings, Luise

My Daughter Will Only Listen To Her MIL

Luise Volta — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 20:38:53 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: My daughter won’t let me see my grandchildren. Especially my eightyear-old grand son. She hates me and says I am unfit to see them; that she needs a psychiatric evaluation. Her mother in law is obsessed (and so is her husband) with my grandchildren and they have a right to see them and take them to their home all the time. The grandfather hits my grandson in the face and he is very hot tempered. I’m afraid that something can happen. What do I do to have my daughter understand? She threw me out of her house because of her mother in law. She is a horrible person with me and talks to my daughter against me. She puts her little gossips to my daughter and she gets horribly mad with insults and won’t let me see the kids. My son in law is in rehab for drugs. If he were here, he would put my daughter in her place. Her mother in law interferes with me and makes me ill. I get sick over this–please advise. S

Answer: Dear S.: It sounds to me like you need to protect yourself from this situation, if it is making you sick.

Once your daughter sets her mind to it, she can pretty much do what she pleases. She’s blocking you in every direction. It would seem to me that all of this conflict is taking its toll on everyone…and that probably includes your grandchildren. It also looks like your daughter and her mother in law deserve each other.

I would suggest you back out of the whole mess and focus your interests and energies where you are respected and appreciated. You are not in a position to act in your grand children’s best interests because of your daughter’s power, beliefs and attitudes…and, unfortunately, it’s her call. Blessings, Luise

How Do I Handle End of Life Issues Alone

Luise Volta — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 04:37:26 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: My grown children have caused me nothing but grief. One of them cheated me out of a big chunk of my retirement savings. Painful as it is, I think I had better try to avoid any further dealings with them. That will mean I have no family at all. I’m 70 years old. How do I handle end of life issues? I’m healthy now but I worry what will become of me. If I should happened to die tomorrow my scammer son will inherit what is left of my life savings. I am really unhappy with either of my sons getting any more from me. After the money scam, I ended up living far from home and I haven’t made new friends here yet. I suffer everyday over what my children have become. They are both alcoholics and I think that is what has brought out the worst in them. G.

Answer: Dear G. When I was in my 70′s, I faced a similar situation. I had two sons but one moved to Hawaii, (I live in Washington State), and the other died shortly after that of sleep apnea when he was only 52. My surviving son now spends about five months a year in a little place he bought close to me, but I had no way of knowing that would happen.

I did some research and moved to a very active Senior Community. Many of them are just money-makers and are full of sick people waiting to die but this one is non-profit and has been here for over forty years. Non-profit means, at least to me, that we can volunteer our heads off and we do. Last year we put in over 38,000 hours voluntarily serving our own community. To me, that makes it feel like “family” but it’s not a requirement. Some residents just want to play and mellow out and that’s fine. Many people retire here when they are perfectly healthy and have a great time making new friends and doing all kinds of volunteer work while also being royally entertained. Some residents write up a will that leaves what remains of their estate to the community, to help others less fortunate. That kind of option might appeal to you.

I’m not suggesting you come to my retirement community but I would like you to use it as a benchmark, if you decide to look around. You can learn about it by going to our web site: http://www.warmbeach.org/ I’ve been here since I was 73, which is nine years and obviously I just love it.

I don’t think there is anything else you can do but distance yourself from your sons. Please consider coming over to my web-Forum that focuses on issues with adult children: http://www.motherinlawsunite/com

You gave them life and you gave them your best. What they do with that gift is about them, not you. There is no reason to become a doormat and be driven to a poverty level when your love isn’t returned. We give parenting our best shot but life offers us a great deal beyond that role. Lots of people who have never had children lead happy, full and useful lives. Perhaps, for you, the best is yet to come! Blessings, Luise

Should We Walk Away from our Son

Luise Volta — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 15:58:37 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: I wonder if you can help me. My son is 26 years old and is living with his girlfriend. He is unbearably rude to me…always calling me terrible names and belittling me. He keeps telling me to listen to what his girlfriend is saying because she is a Gynecologist, which is untrue. She is a clerk for the Local Authority. My husband and I agreed to go on a short break with them recently which was awful and concluded with us packing up and leaving them, thus resulting them in having to go to considerable expense to get home as they have not got their own transport. During this break, he insulted me, told me he expected me to address his girlfriend with more respect, and I have never been rude, and his girlfriend was very rude to us. Following this I received a telephone call from my son saying he wanted nothing more to do with us and to have a good life. This is so distressing for me especially as nothing I say is right even though, we pay for everything for them and run them around in our car anywhere they wish to go. I am finding it difficult to walk away, but my husband is furious with him and is fine with having nothing more to do with him. Is it right to walk away? Thank you for listening. C.

Answer: Drear C.: We all have different tolerance levels for abuse. That’s what it is, of course. Some people actually feel the need to be mistreated, used and exploited but it doesn’t sound like you and your husband enjoy being victims.

I would like to invite you to come over to my web-Forum with your issue. Many problems with adult children are aired there and the support is amazing. The URL is: http://www.motherinlawsunite.com

Your son has closed the door. It sounds like they both have a lot of growing up to do and perhaps not having you pay for everything and chauffeur them around is a good place to start.

You did not close the door. You took a stand. You merely made it clear that you were not going to put up with further disrespect. I would stick to my guns and step back. Lying about a profession to feel important and putting other people down in an attempt to build self-confidence never works. It’s self-destructive behavior and makes the person doing it look smaller and smaller.

Your son made the ultimatum, so the ball is in his court. If and when he wants to respectfully return, welcome him with open arms. You are not the dirt under his feet; you are the people who brought him into this world and gave him the best you had to give. Your job was to bring him up and now his job is to grow up. You can’t do that for him. Blessings, Luise

My DIL Doesn’t Want Me Here

Luise Volta — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 17:42:23 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: My son has had to go away for two years. My daughter-in-law and son called to ask me to live with my daughter-in-law and one year old grandson while my son is away. Since I have no ties or property I was able to and have moved into their home. For two months I was unable to bring in my suitcase and few belongings such as pictures and paintings. My daughter in law resented my bringing in my shampoo & rinse and placing it in the shower. I have been sleeping on a pull out couch in the living room while the second bedroom has remained a nursery. The baby however sleeps with his mother. I pay half of the rent, utilities and food. I recognize that having me replace my son’s space is difficult for my daughter in law in spite of my being asked to be here. Now she has let me know that she is unhappy that I use their computer and watch their TV. She also is not happy that I am at home so much even though she knows that i hate the heat and stay inside to beat the summer heat. We are living at the southern most tip of the US. I am almost 60 and am having a difficult time finding employment in the Florida economy. My daughter in law will also not leave my grandson with me. I do not drink or smoke and raised three children safely. How am I going to make this work? D.

Answer: Dear D.: Either this was totally you son’s idea or your DIL agreed with him that it would work and is finding it isn’t going to. As you know, living with others is an extremely intimate process. Sometimes two people can be thrown together like that and live happily ever after but often it’s a no-go.

There is a huge imbalance. You are paying half of everything but you don’t get to vote on anything. Hypothetically, isn’t the place half yours and aren’t the decisions that are to be made half yours as well? For more support from a group of wise women, please consider bringing your issue over to my web-Forum: http://www.motherinlawsunite.com

It doesn’t sound to me like you set up any ground rules before moving in. You are going to have to backtrack, now, and let your DIL know that you are not going to support a dictatorship. Not in those words, of course, but either you decide together how to live together so it will work for both of you, or you have to call it quits. Cohabitation requires mutual respect.

It would take an extremely passive person to last two years in the circumstances you describe. If you were cut out of that piece of cloth, you probably wouldn’t be writing to me about your circumstances. Look closely…you are to sleep on the couch, stay away from the computer and TV and keep your things out of the bathroom. You don’t get to baby-sit your grandson and you have been told you are there too much. There are domestic servants that are treated better than that. You are paying your own way. That’s called a partnership.

I would talk with her about this in a business-like way. Let her know that to continue to pay half of everything, you will need to have her incorporate the nursery into her room so you can have your own bedroom, pictures on the wall, TV and computer…(a home.) Ask to be given the opportunity to baby-sit and remind her that you raised your children so well that she chose your son for her husband. Let her know that you can only function, long-term, in a democratic environment. Your present circumstance would only work for a weekend visit. How would she like to pay half, sleep on the couch with the baby and see you take two bedrooms for yourself?

If none of that works, pack up your self-respect and move. You can’t appeal to your son. He can’t settle the situation. Either the two of you make it work or you part ways. At present, it looks to me like she only wants your money. She doesn’t want you to be part of the deal. If it was me, and I could swing it, I would leave and then continue to send a monthly check to cover half of everything. Not as a loan, they seldom get paid back and often cause more hard feelings, but to keep my word. I’d face the fact that I entered into something too lightly and should have known better. I wouldn’t let them down but I would learn a lot about assumptions in the two years I felt I had to pay for my mistake. Blessings, Luise

I Can’t Forget my First Love

Luise Volta — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 17:44:33 +0000

Question: Dear Luise: ! really hope you can help by shedding some light on my issue. My situation is similar to Lisa’s – Soulmates married to other people. I am in need of emotional help. I met my Soulmate when we were 17 years old. That was 10 years ago. Due to immaturity from both sides and pressures from my family, it was an on-off relationship. After about 4 years of going out I ended it and moved to another country. We were trapped in a vicious circle of love and hate. There hasn’t been a day that passes that I did not think of him or wonder if he’s OK and happy. At that time when we were going out he had caused me so much hurt that every time I wanted to go back I remembered the hurt and I would stay where I was. A.

Answer: Dear A.: Meeting the right person at the wrong time can be awful. Some can handle it but I don’t think most of us can. We can even start to wonder if it was actually the wrong person that we met at the right time!

We think we are pretty smart at 17 and then when we look back, we are amazed at what we didn’t know. I am 82 and I can still look back ten years and see that the same thing is still true. Life is a process.

I would like to suggest that the guy is probably not who he was at that time any more than you are who you were. You’re stuck in a time warp. He may be more now or less…or both. Nothing’s the same. So what you are dealing with is memories that are not very reliable and a present that is unknown…where he is concerned.

It’s very easy to romanticize in your situation…to idealize and fanaticize. When we marry we get into the “nuts and bolts” of life…the day-to-day plodding and routine. Most of us have to deal with unromantic issues and problems. Past relationships can take on a glow all their own when they are not tested on a daily basis where growth takes place.

A Soulmate can be a teacher that comes into your life for a time. Look back at all of the hurt during those four years. It sounds like it was really difficult. The kind of pain you describe must have been pretty bad for you to break it off permanently and relocate. Congratulate yourself for the self-respect that motivated you to end it. That may have been your lesson.

When you can face the fact that you are living in the past, bring yourself into the present to see what you can do about that. How can you improve it? How can you give more of yourself to your situation and resolve the issues at hand? Putting your energy into living in the present will revitalize you. Blessing, Luise