Question: Dear Luise: My wife said she wants to be friends that she doesn’t think I can change. I asked does she want a divorce. She says she can’t say that, she wants time for herself. I asked her do you want me to leave. She said just don’t be home when I’m there. So now I’m living at my business. This happened 2 days ago. Yesterday I left a card and a 2 page letter on how I felt about what I was doing wrong and asked her for a chance to save our marriage. I go to our home this morning (she works mornings, I work afternoons) and the card and letter were moved to the side. There was no reply. Neither she nor I have called each other. When should I call and what should I say. I’m so blindsided…my world is upside down. I’m literally going insane. Please help me. I have no one I can talk to right now. Please I’m desperate. R.
Answer: Dear R.: You have one positive thing to hang on to, your wife’s desire to be friends. Call her and tell her that you want to be friends, too, and ask her out to dinner. Friends talk to each other. The only way through this and out the other side is communication.
We can all change a little but most of us can’t change a lot. Not permanently. She used to like you just the way you are. What happened? Did she change?
Make it clear that you want to know where she is coming from and what started this. Something caused her to take such a drastic step. It may be about you and it may not. It’s just a guessing game until you have more information. Also, you have something to say about where you go from here. You get to offer other solutions if there is no hope for reconciliation…like selling the house and getting a duplex so both of you can come and go when you wish.
Blindsided is a good word but insane isn’t. You are a whole person and at the moment you make a lot more sense than she does. Blessings, Luise