I’ve Just Been Going Back and Forth

Question: Dear Luise: I found out that my sister in law and boyfriend were flirting with one another…no one told me and I found out six months after it came out and everyone else had already known…they both are blaming the other and saying that they did nothing wrong themselves…my sister in law is the one that went to my brother and claimed that my boyfriend was making her uncomfortable by saying things to her…my boyfriend is claiming that she starting texting him and they started talking and they both are at fault…I’m sick to my stomach and my heart says they both were doing wrong by flirting/calling/texting but when it got creepy (that’s how she describes it) she let everyone know…her past has always been a girl who flirts and needs a lot of attention…my boyfriend is a big joker and can be a flirt… I ended my relationship with him and I see her as telling me some truth but not coming out with what she did wrong… I don’t want anything to do with her… I am so upset and angry that they would put me in this situation…we are all in our late thirties and I cant believe how selfish and sick their behavior has been… I just have been going back and forth trying to figure out if one is lying or the other…I think its both…any advice? S.

Answer: Dear S.: You need to move on. You say you have ended your relationship with both of them but what you have written tells me that you are still in the thick of it, emotionally. You are putting a lot of time and energy into processing and re-processing the whole thing when there is absolutely nothing to be gained by doing that. It will become obsessive, if you don’t get on with your life. Don’t let them continue to hurt you by dwelling on this.

There is no way to determine in such circumstances who is lying and/or how much. They are too good at it and that’s what you need to accept. There is also no way to figure out why people do what they do. It’s an exercise in futility.

You picked a guy who can’t be trusted. You know that now. So, be glad you didn’t get married. Take whatever lessons that have come with this experience and apply them in the future. There are some really great guys out there! Blessings, Luise

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