Question: Dear Luise: I have lived with a man for 4 yrs. We are common law. We have 5 kids between us but none live with us. We have had a rough 4 yrs but we got thru the pain, hassle, and questions. Now it seems like whenever I think we are finally on stable ground he throws in the towel with him being bored and tired of me…that we are 2 different people etc. At times he has said this to just hurt me and also if he doesn’t get his own way. He was criminally charged, and cannot drink alcohol due to it, so guess I am dealing with alcoholism too with him. Logically no 2 people are alike thank goodness. I would love this to become everything I thought it could be as everyone learns thru life and no ones perfect and deserves a chance. Also when he is on a non-selfish path he agrees as well…do you have any ideas? D.
Answer: Dear D.: You are trying to make it with a guy who is all over the map. That’s hard. It’s true that he deserves a chance but you deserve some support, too.
The best you can do with this situation is to figure out how much of the time he is on “a non-selfish path” and whether it is worth it to you to put up with what he dishes out when he’s not in that frame of mind. The accusations and put-downs sound like they would get pretty old…lots of negative and unfulfilling stuff.
You want your relationship to “become everything you thought it could” but what did you base those expectations on…anything specific, durable or long-standing? Both of you have to work at it. Both of you have to express mutual respect and maturity. He may get there, if you don’t give up on him, but you need to talk about how it is for you, not just about what his process is. And you need some ground rules to keep it from becoming abusive. How long would he stick around if you were saying the things to him that he says to you? Blessings, Luis