Question: Dear Luise: I have been with my boyfriend for five months now. After we had our first date I told him I have HSV2 (Herpes). I take the medicine daily to lower risk of passing. Since it was obvious we were very interested in each other I couldn’t in good faith not tell him and in a way it protected my feelings since I didn’t want us to get attached and then this be a deal breaker. So, he told me he would like to go slow with the sex issue and we did for 4 months. I live with him now and everything in our life is amazing except the lack of sex. after 4 months of struggling with not knowing when it would happen and feeling undesirable by the man I love we finally had sex! I was so nervous I couldn’t enjoy it though but I was hopeful that would pass and we would now be on the road to having a healthy sex life. Boy was I wrong…..Ive been patient but Im an extremely sexual person and have been “shot down” a few times in the last month since we began having sex. He says “Let me be the aggressor” so I have been trying – but it hasn’t gotten us very far. We have had sex 2x in this month. That may be enough for some but I would have thought after we started a sexual relationship we wouldn’t be able to leave the bedroom – again I was wrong. Now in those 4 months I was a girl girlfriend and took care of his needs while waiting for mine to be taken care of thinking it may happen any day then I stopped when it didn’t thinking ok he is “getting his” so why would he want sex. I love him dearly and he knows how important this is to me but it doesn’t seem to get better. im tired of making excuses: He’s older than me; he works long hours; he is stressed; his OCD is to blame; his shift changed at work so he is tired blah blah blah! What do i do? Am I shallow? V.
Answer: Dear V.: You know the answer, I’m sure. You just wrote to me for confirmation. No, you aren’t shallow, he is. He is selfish and inconsiderate as well. There is dishonesty in how he dances around the issue and what will bring you peace is to move on. It’s possible to love someone dearly that you can’t live with. Loving doesn’t require compatibility, co-existing does. You deserve so much better. Blessings, Luise