Question: Dear Luise: Ok, so I am 22 years old and I can’t stop thinking about my ex-boyfriend. We have been broken up for two years now but we have dated in those two years off and on. There is so much “past” between us but I can’t stop thinking about him. I am engaged to another person and I feel like I might have rushed that just so I could get over him being with another girl. I don’t know what to do? T.
Answer: Dear T.: It is a sad fact that we can have very strong chemistry with people we are not able to live with in a compatible and peaceful way. Many of us lack maturity and attract others who also are lacking in that area. Chemistry doesn’t require maturity. And, all by itself, chemistry usually isn’t enough to support a long-term relationship.
Getting engaged to someone else is seldom the solution. It’s a distraction and until the novelty wears off, it may be enough. But how fair is it to the person we use for that purpose? (And “use” is often the correct term.)
Part of putting off growing up and becoming responsible is the experience of wanting the person we don’t have. We focus on chemistry and think it’s love. Along with that, jealousy gets a hold on us and we often want what others have…even when it’s what we once had and couldn’t handle.
All of this kind of thing keeps us occupied and puts off the experience of becoming what me might become if we realized our full potential. It’s a merry-go-round going nowhere.
Some people are able to by-pass this whole scene but many of us, and I’m including myself here, seem to have to go through it. The trick is not to get stuck. When you are ready, move on into more interesting and rewarding activities. Get more education and cultivate wider interests. Meet new people and see where life takes you. In the process you will meet new people and grow into more satisfying relationships. Blessings, Luise