Question: Dear Luise: I am writing to you because I would really value and respect your OWN opinion on this situation I have. My mother has been gone a little over 2 years now and I’ve had time to think about things/sort things out but my main concern I have is that I worry that she might have not understood or realized how much I loved her. It all honestly stems from a conversation I had with her when I was much younger, I remember telling her I couldn’t ever imagine loving anyone more than I loved her and she quickly responded you love your children more than anyone, and that one day i would see. Well, I had no children so I had no way of arguing that with her. I guess in a way at that moment I felt as if my feelings were not valid. However, I remained super close/attached to her all my life that she was here and our relationship was GREAT. She always remained my number one love, but looking back it seems that I had somewhat subconsciously refrained from expressing that to her over the years worrying that she might not think it was “normal” or “healthy.” I still have no children but a serious boyfriend of many years now and other family members. Now I obviously regret not being more “verbally” honest about expressing my love towards her now that she is not here. On top of it is alsoknowing that she did not have great relationships with either of her parents so that adds to the worry that she left this world having no idea or understanding of how much her child could possibly and did love her. (I was 20 when she passed) I know this is really strange to ask someone, but you seem like the most perfect person to ask. What do you think? Did I mess up here? Do you think she didn’t see it? Thank you so much for your opinion and time!-S.
Answer: Dear S.: The need for dialogue after we are separated by death is something that haunts many of us. I know it did me after I lost my mom when I was in my 20s. I was a “handful” and she was unwell, a difficult mix.
It seems to me that in talking with you about your love for her, your mother was telling you a deep truth regarding her love for you. It isn’t always the case, but it was for her…and you forever remained closer to her than anyone else in her life. How beautiful.
The other thing I have to say about it is that she knew and understood how you felt. She just didn’t’ want to see you limiting your life experience based on how deeply you cared for her. More “mom-stuff.”
What I did to work through what I felt was unspoken and unresolved with my own mom after her death was to write her. I always felt she was near…I still do and I am now 85 years old. Write your mom and put it all out there. And if and when you are able, write back letters from her to you. I eventually did that and it was wonderful. I knew it wasn’t “automatic writing” or a “voice from the grave” and that I was doing the writing but I also knew what she would say.
There is much we don’t know about heart-to-heart connections. Some think they know and some are sure there is nothing to know. We are all unique in our belief systems. Perhaps what worked for me will work for you. I think there’s a strong chance it might. Blessings, Luise