Question: Dear Luise: I think you are terrific. I was looking for advice about my adult son who is having problems and blaming me. Somehow I found you and what you say makes sense. Thank God my other children aren’t like this. They seem to think I am a better mom than I do. God bless your son for getting you that computer. J.
Answer: Dear J.: After several years of doing this work, I am seeing a pattern emerge with sons who blame their mothers for whatever they find that is challenging and disappointing in their adult lives.
Some of it is external to the relationship, I’m sure…health, personalities, etc. However, some sons seem to get fixated as youngsters on their mother being able to fix whatever needs mending…and they are seriously disappointed to find that it doesn’t last forever. Eventually, the fixing and mending becomes their own responsibility.
Autonomy is a skill that has to be developed and there are adult children who would rather blame than grow. Maybe some feel they can’t. Whatever the process, the mom becomes the scapegoat and every shortcoming and failure becomes her fault.
Other children (this seems to be a son-thing) in the same family don’t take such a dependent stance…or maybe more is expected of them. Whatever the reason, they step up to the plate…however hesitantly, and eventually sail off into adulthood able to cope.
It is confusing when they disagree about what kind of a home they came from. As I have written, my eldest son, (now deceased), blamed me for every dark cloud and my younger son still attributes the sun rising to me. Neither is true, of course.
Our job always was/is to do our best; it’s going to be interpreted however it is. Blessings, Luise