Question: My son and his girlfriend were engaged a few months ago. So far I have been completely excluded from most information regard this huge wedding being planned. First let me say, about myself, I am not one of those butt in or pushing Mom’s. Regarding the wedding, I would just love to be invited to watch the planning not included in the decision-making. I just want to be an observer, not a guest at the wedding. My largest concern is the attitude I have been getting from my Son? He and I have always been extremely close; always cutting up and being silly. Now if/when I say anything (always kidding) he bites my head off or even if we are having a regular conversation I can’t say anything right. For example, He mentioned his girlfriend was interviewing at this place where she would be teaching kids how to swim, and I said, “Oh that is awesome, maybe she should apply at the YMCA? He completely bit my head off like I was demanding it or something? I explained that it was only part of a conversation. I feel like if I had been anyone else he would have just said, oh good idea, I will mention it? What the heck is happening here? It is constant and now I feel we have become complete strangers, I am walking on eggshells and I don’t want to put up with it. It is very hurtful and it angers me to think that he would ever feel I was that person he is trying to make me look like. J.
Answer: Dear J. You are entering into a place that is very unfamiliar to you and their behavior doesn’t make any sense at all. Oh, how I wish I didn’t know what you were talking about.
I suggest that you go to my Web-forum to get support and direction. This unbelievable and totally unnecessary issue is so common that I created a forum to address it. http://www.motherinlawsunite.com
It’s possible that your future DIL is monopolizing your son and he is trying to defend her actions. He’s transferring his loyalties from you being the number one female in his life to his fiancé having that position. You are not challenging his new life and would like to be supportive…but if she says you are excess baggage…all bets are off.
Many DILs strike out for supremacy when they have no cause to be defensive. It’s a very complex and delicate time; the young couple about to create a new family unit has no experience and very little maturity. Sometimes the DILs family adds fuel to the fire.
If your son gets, even unconsciously, that she is making it an either/or situation, it’s a no-brainer. Then one of the easiest ways to distance himself from you is to criticize you every time you open your mouth and then criticize you if you don’t.
I know this may sound radical but I would seek counseling, now. There’s probably very little chance that he will go with you but you need an advocate. Blessings, Luise