Question: Dear Luise Volta: I Lost my mother on Dec 13th 2009. She was 59 years of age and would have been 60 on 27th Dec. She had to go through a by pass surgery but could not recover after the operation. She was absolutely fine before all this and even while going for the surgery consoled everyone that she would be fine and healthy once again. It is a devastating feeling for me…and my dad, especially. I am the only child of my parents and stay in US after marriage and my parents stayed in India. Now after my mothers death my father is left all alone. Me and my parents had been very close and now after my mothers death I am worried for my father. He is a very emotional persona and still not able to accept the fact. I am 28 years of age and feel as if some snatched my best friend from me the time I needed her the most. I am 7 months pregnant and my mother dearly wanted this grand child. I so much miss all her advice which she gave me while she was here and the feeling that I would never ever be able to see her again is making me mad every day. I am neither able to concentrate at work nor able to plan anything for the baby. My husband is supportive and understands me but he wants the same happiness back in the house. I am worried for my dad every minute and mourn for my mother every second. What should I do? Please help! S.
Answer: Dear S. My heart goes out to you. I lost my Mom when she was 63 and I, too, was pregnant at that time.
Our culture gives us very little to comfort us regarding death. Most religions and philosophies try but when the time comes…we’re still not ready. Our loved one is there one moment…and then in another, he/she is gone. There is a big hole left in our hearts and lives…and most of us have a really awful time of it.
When my eldest son died at age 52, it was an experience I can’t begin to put into words. And now my husband is 98 and I keep telling myself that he has had a long life and I’m ready to go on without him…but I’m not. I have to go through what we all have o go through; there’s no way around it.
The only thing that has ever helped me is to think of what the person who has died might have wanted. Then I set about creating that in his/her honor.
Can you do that? Can you see that your mother would never have wanted to take you away from your inner happiness…from your anticipation of the birth of your child or from the fulfillment you have fond in your marriage and career? Can you get that you would be pleasing her if you filled your heart with her love and let healing take place? It isn’t disrespectful to go on…it’s a gift from you to her.
Can you create a gratitude list and keep adding to it and reading it over to help you make this shift? My guess is that you can. And your dad will probably need to do the same thing when he is ready. Blessings, Luise