I Can’t See My Grandchildren

Question: Dear Luise: Help! I have a daughter-in-law that doesn’t talk, is very rude, disrespectful and since coming into our family has somehow gotten us to the point where my son won’t see us (mom or dad and sister) even though I have babysat their daughter whenever she needed. (There are two more that we don’t see.) I was always there when she needed me. I think she does not like the fact we were always close and live in a higher economic bracket then her family. It appears my son has no backbone and probably swallows her one sided stories. What do I do about seeing my grandchildren? (My husband won’t go with me to their house; he is so hurt and angry.) I do not have any other grandchildren and may never! Help! O.

Answer: Dear O. This whole situation hinges on your son. He is in partnership with your daughter-in-law and together they create the rules in their family. As long as he won’t see you, your grandchildren may stay beyond your reach.

I would suggest that you make every effort to repair the rift between you and your son. If he won’t accept that, he and his wife have the right to continue to do whatever they choose where their children are concerned. You don’t get to vote on that.

Your question suggests that you may be much more concerned about not seeing your grandchildren than you are about being separated from your son. If that is true, he may feel it. That’s the relationship you probably need to concentrate on.

You describe him as having no backbone. I would propose that you focus on something positive about him and see if you can mend fences. Blessings, Luise

74 Responses to I Can’t See My Grandchildren

  1. T. April 21, 2009 at 12:19 pm #

    Grandparents can file a law suit against their children for the right to see their grandchildren. Grandparents do have a right to see their grandchildren and it can be court ordered if necessary. It’s happened and will continue to happen as long as adult children act like fools. T.

    • P. June 20, 2012 at 2:27 pm #

      Our son was killed in a car accident in 2008 and our daughter in law will not let us see our granddaughters–because she wants to move from one mans house to another mans house! We stayed in court 2 years and nearly lost everything even our house and the 2 judges one in Juvenile court and in Circuit Court and they gave us NOTHING!! Told us THERE IS NO GRANDPARENT’S RIGHT’S IN ALABAMA!! Our daughter in law LAUGHED IN OUR FACE!! We lost our son and now we have lost all we have left of him! We are trying to get the law changed in the state of ALABAMA but that is a JOKE!! if you have an answer PLEASE LET ME KNOW!!! WE PRAY you are an answer to our prayers! P.

      • Luise Volta July 10, 2012 at 9:40 am #

        P – I don’t know anything about Alabama law. It sounds terrible and totally heartbreaking, you have so much love to give. Blessings, Luise

        • T. November 12, 2012 at 4:47 pm #

          Texas law is the same. Grandparents have no rights. I haven’t seen my granddaughters in almost four years, and I practically raised them.T.

      • L. September 23, 2012 at 3:50 am #

        we took our daughter to court and got every other weekend but she moved and we cant find her to serve her contempt of court papers and if we did she is so far away the drive time will be to much she found a boyfriend that turned her life and ours around they belong to a gang called DFC (down for the clown) if we found her im sure she would move again. L.

      • A. March 8, 2013 at 8:44 am #

        So strange to see this post as we have a very similar situation. Our son was killed in a car accident in 2009. Following his death, our granddaughter was removed from her mother’s care and we had court ordered custody for almost 2 years. During that time, her mother continued to received both her and the child’s SS survivor benefits while we completely supported our granddaughter, including paying for daycare while we worked (the mother doesn’t work). The child was returned to her mother last summer and we supposedly have liberal visitation rights, thought we had agreed to visits every other weekend; however, we have learned the agreement is worthless. The mother is manipulative and denies us at every opportunity. Our lawyer has confirmed that grandparents have no rights. We are in Maryland. A.

      • V. May 18, 2013 at 4:25 pm #

        Adult children are not children. The fact that you think they are is most likely the reason they have rightfully cut you off. They are not fools- they aren’t doormats. You want a relationship w your grandchild? Than you better show some respect for the parents.

        I can see why the grandma in the OP is cut off. She talks bad about her DIL, looks down on her for her families economic status, thinks that fr some reason DIL came into HER FAMILY without realizing she didn’t- son and DIL created their OWN seperate family, and last but not least she calls her son ball-less. I’d cut off my mom too if she called me ball less when I was parenting my child w my wife. V.

    • D. September 25, 2012 at 11:13 pm #

      My son don’t talk to me. Only because he left his wife and remarried. He have 2 children by his first wife. The reason he don’t talk to me is because I still talk to the first wife only because she have my 2 grandchilren. My sons daughter looks like me. When I look at my grandaughter its like looking in the mirrow. I have not held her since she was 4 months old. She is no 4 years old. Everytime when My ex-daughter lsw sends me a pic of her she looks like me more and more. What can I do. I watch my grandson being born and when my dayghter was having a baby I just started a job. I could not have been there. But I was reminded i was there for my first grandchild.My son is with another woman and my daughter anohter man. I have to work. If I would have took offf I would have been fired. I would have lost the apt car and what wlses could have happen. So I have been reminded of this and now I can not give the love like I had. I can not give history like I had. What can I do? D.

      • Luise Volta October 21, 2012 at 6:17 pm #

        D – There’s no way I know of to change the attitudes and behaviors of others or even get them to see our own situations, if they don’t want to. You matter. Your life matters. You have to do what you have to do and you have nothing to apologize for. Blessings, Luise

  2. R. June 7, 2009 at 4:36 pm #

    I am having the same problem with my Son and his girlfriend who share don’t let me see my granddaughter. It hurts and she stays and spends the nite with her other grandmother. One time I gave her a spoonfull of baby cereal at 3 months and they accused me of killing her. She loves me so much. I can’t talk right now I am so hurt, especially when she see’s her other nana and I have never been alone with her since she has been born. She is 2 now. R.

    • Luise June 8, 2009 at 7:24 am #

      Dear R.: What a difficult situation…and how totally unfair and even cruel. Please go to my web Forum a: http://www.motherinlawsunite.com
      It is new and provides room for discussion and support. Blessings, Luise

      • V. May 18, 2013 at 4:28 pm #

        Good maybe you will ask the parents if you are allowed to feed the baby something before you do it.

        Not your child, not your rules. V.

    • M. June 10, 2014 at 8:32 am #

      I feel your agony. My 3 yr old grandson have a wonderful bond. All of a sudden my daughter had me co-sign for her a car, borrows money, asked me to wash her clothing and I said “no.” She snatched up my best friend and will not let me see him now. Blocked my calls after I confronted her about lying to me. She told Facebook that I was a terrible person and she is getting me out of her life…but she never told me what I did or was doing to offend her. I never had a chance to make it right. I miss him soooooooo much. It feels like death. I have had him every weekend for months and months and months. He never even wanted to go home, sometime crying. I want to disown her…leaving the miracle of having a grandson without a daughter…lol. I’m sick of being used and tossed! I’m sick of people using kids as pawns then acting like it does not hurt the kid’s feelings when the relationship is ended. I’m pissed and crushed!

  3. L. June 21, 2009 at 2:26 am #

    I have a son in law that is controlling my daughter and won’t let me see my grand kids just over a disagreement about him smoking in the car with my grand kids. I can’t sleep. I’m on antidepressant pills. Can you help me? L.

    • Luise June 21, 2009 at 9:19 am #

      Dear L. Please bring your issue over to my discussion Forum: http://www.motherinlawsunite.com How awful that in speaking up for the kid’s health you are being punished to the max. This is for your daughter to straighten out and looking back she is where you probably should have taken your complaint. If she can’t (won’t) do anything about it, how can you? Blessings, Luise

  4. S. August 27, 2009 at 12:34 am #

    It is horrible not to let see your grandchild. I am going through the same issue. My daughter’s mother in law and her husband are obsessed with my grand kids. I’m retired and am 70 years old. My daughter won’t let me see my grandchild, now eight. She tells me I am unfit psychologically and need to be professionally evaluates to see me fit to see my grand child. She doesn’t want her around me because of what she hears. S.

  5. K. August 28, 2009 at 6:36 pm #

    I have a similar situation as well. My son won’t give us a reason why he won’t be a part of our lives. We have tried numerous ways to see the grandchildren and some how it always falls apart (their parents doing). We leave birthday gifts on the back porch for the birthday child and we don’t even get a phone call back to let us know they received it. We have to do this because we aren’t invited to the party. According to their Mom now that they are 6 years old they have “kid parties”. We have a swimming pool and we usually have large family gatherings in the summer. We just had one in July and much to my surprise my son his wife and their four children attended, but without bathing suits. Someone asked them why they didn’t bring bathing suits and they replied they didn’t know there would be swimming. I immediately went in the house and produced a bathing suit for each child and my son, but they said absolutely not. They only live 3 miles away and could have gone home to get their own. It was such an uncomfortable situation because they stayed for over four hours just sitting and watching all the other children swimming. We tried to engaged in games and other forms of entertaining, but it wasn’t happening with everyone swimming. My husband and I are almost to the point of giving up. We feel like we have tried everything. We both so want to be a part of all their lives. Mostly what we need is to learn to accept our fate. K.

    • Luise August 29, 2009 at 9:11 am #

      Dear K. This kind of impasse is heartbreaking. And they know you have a pool if they live that close by. Please consider bringing your issues over too my web-Forum: http://www.motherinlawsunite.com There is a lot of support available there. It’s not a DIL bashing board, it’s a place to be heard and receive understanding and direction. Blessings, Luise

      • V. May 18, 2013 at 4:35 pm #

        Are you even listening yourself? Your upset your son and DIL and grand kids spent 4 hours at your house but didn’t swim?

        Wow if you complained about that after I spent 4 hours at your house it would be the last time I’d go back.

        The sense if entitlement is crazy. V.

      • jw November 1, 2013 at 7:18 pm #

        family values have changed now we are like animals have off spring
        and when they are old enough there gone Thats wants its come
        down too im sorry but i have 2 kids 25 and 30 mother remarried
        never or hear from any of them if thats who they are hope i
        never hear from them again sounds bad my mother kept our
        family togerther all holidays you were there or you hear about
        birtdays cookouts mothers day fathers day everyone would
        be there now moms sick nobody gets together nobody
        cares. family values gone. J.

  6. B. October 26, 2009 at 8:20 am #

    Has anyone ever been in a situation where son has a girlfriend who you believe is actually abusing the children? My husband and I finally called Child Protective Services on them after them refusing to let us see the kids. (After having the kids every weekend for the last 4 years, basically since my granddaughter was born.) Now he has cut us off totally from the kids. I am only concerned with their safety and this new girlfriend I believe is abusing them and isolating them. They have told my granddaughter that her mother is dead and will not let her have any contact with her, either. It’s a very bad situation and I don’t know what else to do. B.

    • Luise October 26, 2009 at 3:56 pm #

      I would also see an attorney and investigate Grandparent Rights. It sounds like they need an advocate. Blessings, Luise

  7. F. April 26, 2010 at 6:34 pm #

    my son went to gail because of his girl freind she has one girl and pregnant with a other a boy she’s do in august ‘i toll my son to leave her he did not listen because he was in love and know hes in gail ‘ because of her child protected services wont to take his rigth-hand my off .he loves his child with morre then he love his one self .and i love that baby with all my heart with everything i have but she wont let me see the baby wath are my wrights i love her she’s wonderfull thank you. help. F.

    • Luise April 26, 2010 at 9:20 pm #

      You are going to have to see an attorney. Ask someone like your priest or pastor how to find one who will help you without charge. You deserve so much better than this. Blessings, Luise

  8. Vanny May 3, 2010 at 6:58 am #

    We are having the same problem. My brother recently passed away from cancer and he left behind a nephew. His wife is very rude and doesn’t like my parents. My parents are really sad that my brother passed away and now won’t ever be able to see their grandson. I can’t talk to his wife cause me and her don’t get along either. I don’t know what to do for my parents.

  9. J. July 6, 2010 at 10:02 am #

    i can’t see my grandchildren very much or my son. my daughter in law is one sided her family comes first. they get to see them all the time. we drive 4 and 1 half hours to see them and she makes plans so we are lucky to see them for an hour and a half if were lucky. this has been going on for eight years. i can’t get my son to tell us why she treats us so bad. my wife wants to talked to her to have a better relationship but she refuses to talk to us. one time she says i know you don’t like me. now how do you like someone who goes out her way to tell us this not a good time to come over, or make excuses so we very little contact with my son and grandkids. we wish there was some way to fix this problem. by the way her family does not know what she’s doing to us. please help us. thank you. J.

  10. J. July 9, 2010 at 9:36 am #

    I raised my son with all the love and nurturing I could give him. I am a professional person with integrity-my kids have always comne first-no matter what.
    At age 16?, my son got involved with a girl with an unfavorable background-she was involved with the law from her early teens, disrespectful to any authority, rude, cunning, extremely controlling, with a strong narcissitic personality. I have seen her verbally abuse my son, and I have experienced repeated emotional abuse from her. Some other of my relatives had experienced the same. She and my son told me her mother is on disability for mental illness-her mother has always been cold and distant to me. My son went from having qualities of John-Boy Walton to someone I don’t even know. He moved out at 18, co-habited with this girl, they got pregnant, had a baby-my grandson.
    I have not been able to have a face-to-face, heart-to-heart with my son in 2 1/2 years. They have excluded me from all holidays, and we had had extemely limited contact. They even drained my bank account down to $0.32 cents! -This all devastating to me.
    Prior to the birth of my grandson, I was in their apt on 2 occasions-I and my relative witnessed masses of dirty dishes with rotting food, trash t/o the apt, rotting packs of meat on the floor, opened food containers with rotting food, filthy clothing all over the floor, bloody feminine products strewn all over the apt and more. I spoke with them about cleaning things up, offered to help-they ignored me.
    The day the baby was born, the mother wouldn’t even allow me to hold my grandson, said and did so many hurtful things-it crushed my soul-I feel like I will never be the same again. She and my son would not take responsibility for any of their actions.

    I spoke at length in tears, with the nurses at the hospital that day and asked them to contact social services for f/u. I called CPS anonymous the day the baby was to go home-sharing my concerns re the filth and safety of the home environment for the baby.

    Recently, one of my relatives was caring for the baby-she called me and described the deplorable conditions of the home-worse than listed above. My relative’s boyfriend came to the phone and stated the same. I live in another county, a considerable drive. With trembling hands and floods of tears, I made the most difficult decision one could ever imagine-I contacted the authorities-they arrived at the home and promptly removed the baby. They took photos, arrested both my son and the baby’s mother. They were released the next morning. The maternal grnadmother was granted temp custody. My relative states the baby’s mother and maternal grandmother ‘bashed’ me to the workers and told them countless lies about me. They told the workers I was ‘an anxious, depressed, mentally deranged nut case’ and a harm to the baby.’ The workers never gave me a chance to even tell what happened or my observations or concerns.
    My relative has since moved in in with them-witnessing still, unfavorable conditions. My relative shared with me the judge dismissed the case.
    Through careful consideration, counsel, and prayer, I have decided to step back-I tried to protect the grandchild I hold dear, that I have never known. Either way-I will be grieving-whether I go back into the situation to try for healing with my son and a relationship with my grandchild OR stepping back, removing myself from the dysfunction, with work on healing and getting on with my life. What are your thoughts on this matter? J.

    • Luise July 10, 2010 at 5:43 pm #

      I am absolutely convinced you did the wise thing. Blessings, Luise

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  12. K. February 25, 2011 at 1:27 pm #

    grandparents don’t have rights till the parents are died or is not fit.K

    • Luise February 25, 2011 at 9:55 pm #

      That’s true in some places but as I understand it, in the US there are states that have laws that insure grandparents their rights without parental death or unfit parenting.

  13. C. March 6, 2011 at 4:21 pm #

    My son in law will not allow my daughter or grandchildren to see us because we found out he was abusing my daughter and children he broke my grandaughters arm when we found out this was happing what to do when daughter is brain washed. C.

    • Luise March 7, 2011 at 12:49 pm #

      Call Child Protection Agency and the Police. Their lives are in danger.

  14. Q. March 9, 2011 at 9:57 am #

    This question I find very upsetting. I am in a situation similar to this, but I am the daughter-in-law. My in-laws have always treated me horribly, I was never good enough for their son and when our children were born they only wanted to spend time with our daughter, our son is autistic and they want nothing to do with him. They requested us not to bring him over to babysit. We tried and tried to keep communication open even though they tried to cause problems and at one point straight out asked my husband to leave me. Things took a turn for the worse when we moved away for a job and they called child protective services and lied to them telling them I abused my children. We know it was them as 1 they eventually admitted it and 2 my daughter told us when being questioned by the counselor that my mother and father-in-law had been trying to coach her for the last several weeks that she was being abused and when asked what she was suppose to say. They told her this way she could come live with them and they could spoil her forever and give her anything she wanted. They tried to coach my son too, but he refused and became very upset. I had noticed both kids becoming quieter and more upset, but I figured it was due to the move coming up I had no idea it was because of my in-laws. I had no idea that this had been going on until the police showed up and my daughter crying told us everything. Both my kids had nightmares for months that they were going to be taken away. My son wouldn’t allow me to be out of his sight and had to sleep in the same room with me for several months too. The investigation found no evidence of child abuse and the counselor became my biggest supporter. After this we cut all ties with the family and will have nothing to do with them. They hurt us and our children with their lies and they don’t deserve to be grandparents. As far as my husband and I am concerned they will never see our children again. They don’t deserve any rights at all!!Q.

    • Luise March 10, 2011 at 9:40 am #

      Good for you!! I’m so sorry you were the victims of their pathology. Blessings, Luise

  15. J. April 19, 2011 at 12:18 pm #

    I know this probably isn’t the right site, but our family really needs help. My brother and his wife got a divorce. She got soul custody and my brother visits. but now he hasn’t heard from her or his child. We have no clue where she is. I don’t think the mother did this to be hurtful, I’m not sure. But there is a huge hole in our family and my brother has changed, he went from happy and religious. to sarcastic and atheist. Please if anyone can direct me to another form of help. I would very much appreciate it. So Desparate, J.

    • Luise April 25, 2011 at 4:38 pm #

      Find a good attorney who uses a good detective. This is not an issur for a forum. Blessings, Luise

  16. R. May 18, 2011 at 8:09 am #

    Seriously, I am a daughter and a daughter in law and am in awe in the comments and all of the advice on this website. Can anyone communicate appropriately these days? There is an extreme need for family counseling for all parties. Do you really want to drag grandchildren and family members in this mess by involving the legal system? There are deeper rooted issues that have not been discovered and definitely issues of control. The legal system unless neglect, abuse, or emotional distress is involved cannot and will not force the mother or father to require visitation for the grandparent.

    I suggest family mediation and developing an understanding of how each person feels or where the miscommunication/hurt stems from. Also establishing boundaries on all parties. EVERYONE Suffers from adults thinking selfishly and not putting unselfish & unconditional love and support at the forefront of all relationships.

    COUNSELING is required … not legal intervention!!!

  17. D. June 9, 2011 at 9:37 pm #

    I don’t think there is much hope anymore for this younger generation. Most adults who have grown resent their parents and punish them approriately to make their ego feel good. In the meantime they have ruined others. I feel sorry for these new children. They will no real understanding on what grandparents are supposed to be for. I have no relationship with my grand kids and never really did. My grown children use them as a tool to get back at me. D.

    • L. September 23, 2012 at 4:38 am #

      I agree with you,they cant hurt us any other way they use our grand kids as a weapon to do so.

      • L. July 25, 2013 at 11:53 am #

        Absolutely. It’s the only thing that hurts and they know it :-( L.

  18. V. June 11, 2011 at 4:20 am #

    I have 4 wonderful grandchildren,,who I spend very little time with,,My daugter and son n law lets them spend all their time with her father and his girlfriend,,which I don’t have a problem with,,but my thing is,,they fight, argue,,use alot of vulgar language and they also drink,,,and the drinking causes all these things to happen,,my daughter’s father is not one of my favorite people,,he’s very hard to get along with,,because of his abusive ways,,my thing is how come they can get to spend weeks at their house and not minds,,we live close by each other,,I am very hurt and deeply confused by this because my daughter,,whom I love dearly,,will tell me how her father hits on my 3 year oold grandson,,and my 9 year old granddaughter ocalls me to tell me how they are soooo mean to her,,now my other 2 grandsons are 11months and 7 years old,,the 7 year old lives with his father,,so I never get to see him,,,my daughter and son n law both said that the kids could not go over there any more,,but they still do,,my thing is how come I have to be second choice,,I am their grandparent also,,(tears),,her father’s girlfriend is spending all the time in the world,,any time she wants to,,but me when I call for them,,oooh their at her house,,I Love and Cherish my grands,,and when they visit me they dont have a worry in the world,,and my daughter knows this,,,so why can’t I have time with my grandchildren likeshe does???? V.

    • Luise June 11, 2011 at 7:47 am #

      There’s no use in looking for logic where ther isn’t any. It’s terrible but it is how the choose to live theri live and handle their kids. Come on over the http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com You will find support there. You deserve so much better. Blessings, Luise

  19. V. June 11, 2011 at 10:35 am #

    Thank You so much and I will!! God Bless You Luise. V.

  20. chris July 1, 2011 at 4:29 am #

    i have two grandchildren which lost there father in 2000, my son, before the death there ages was 5 mouths and 8 years. i watch the children every weekend while they worked we went and did all kinds of things(got real close) after my sons death we took care of our daughter in law and grandchildren for 5 years. she found a new partner and move out of state but still allow us to see the children 4 to 6 weeks every summer and two week at xmas. which we paid for every trip no cost to her. both grandchildren love it here. the oldest grandchild moved back at the age of 18 due to my daughter in law new husband. since that has happen she will not let me talk or see my other grandchild the strange thing is that she was aware of the issues between husband and step daughter and did nothing to change things to keep her child with her. i do not want to raise my grandchildren (i would if i needed to) that’s her right, i just want to be a part of her life. the bad thing, this is hurting my youngest grandchild, she very said and there are other family members here which she grew up with. we have a real strong bond. its killing me. C.

    • Luise July 2, 2011 at 7:37 am #

      Come on over to my Web-forum at http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com . It is for women with issues with adult children and extended families. I hope to see you there. Blessings, Luise

  21. S. July 12, 2011 at 10:10 am #

    I have a wonderful, beautiful daughter and she has a great husband. I also have one grandson and a granddaughter on the way. I live in the next state from them which is not too long distance to drive. His parents live several miles away and see them about twice or three or four times a year spending no less than a week with them. I have to make a reservation so to speak to come down and see them which annoys me somewhat and I only stay about 2 /12 days. I honor their family time and do not interfer with them. I have tried my upmost to get along with his parents and have felt that we have a good friendship. My son-in-law speaks very little to me and I feel I really don’t know him all that well since the 8 years they have been married. I probably get to see my grandson only about twice or maybe three times a year. Her father and I have been divorced for many years and he has since remarried. Her inlaws are going to be there for the birth of the child with the assumption that they are taking care of the older child. I wasn’t wanted there until three weeks after the birth and not after she has the baby in the hospital. Her dad called her several weeks ago and he and his wife were going to run down on the day after the birth and see her and the baby maybe for an hour in the hospital. It is about an 8 hr. total drive down. She called him last weeked and told him that since she is trying to breast feed and she wouldn’t feel too well (she is having a C-section) that it would be best for him not to come to see his granddaughter. It really hurt his feelings to the point he broke down and cried. It upsets me that she is so disrespectful of us especially since I am sure her inlaws will not stay away from the hospital. To me it sounds like her husband has convinced her there is only one seet of grandparents (his) and we don’t count and he doesn’t wish us around. I kinda believe my daughter would if she had a say in this. She is intelligent and should have a say of her own in this but apparently not. I want to very much to be involved in my grandchildren’s lives as their grandmother and it hurts so deeply not to be. My son and his wife do not have any children and do wish to have any and that is their option and I respect that. I just don’t know where to go and say about this. I would like to confront her and ask her why she doesn’t want us around as no matter what she may think there is a little of us in those grandchildren and they are a part of our heritage. I love my daughter so very much and have ignored much of what she has said about us and others in the past and just blew it off but I am to the point I can’t ignore all this disrespectfulness she is putting me and her father through. I am feeling she is becoming self-centered and selfish. She never invites me or her dad to come down as we are the ones to call and make an reservation to come down. I have always felt I had a good relationship with my daughter and my love for her will never cease no matter what the outcome. I just feel out grandchildren are missing out on some other grandparents as well and they will never know who we are and about us. I would appreciate it if someone could give me some of their thoughts on this as I would really like to get to the bottem of this. S.

    • Luise July 13, 2011 at 6:27 pm #

      You daughter and her husband have started a new family unit and they make the rules. You comply whether you like it or not. The sooner you let go of judging her and waiting for her to fulfill you expectations the better. She doesn’t owe you anything and her children are not part of your heritage unless she says so. You raised her. She became an adult and left home and it’s now time for you to get on with your life. To get other viewpoints than mine, please come over to my Web-forum at http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com I established it for women to share and discuss their issues involving adult achildren and extended families. Seveerall generations back, what you want and are not getting was the norm. It no longer is. Blessings, Luise

      • M. April 24, 2013 at 8:53 pm #

        Now see I think the comment above is the problem. She does owe her mother she owes respect understanding of her feelings god knows mothers have always had to take care of our daughters feelings. This generation is lost they are self first. I to this day have the best memories of my grandparents it is a very important relationship. I question what kind of human being can take love away from their mother and enjoy it. These days grandparents have being involved is the best for the kids that way these selfish children can still have the me time that seems to be so important. All kids kept away from family will grow up not understanding the whole family picture. I wish I knew then what I know now about my daughter I could have spent a lot less time doing for her and placing myself on the back burner. This second part of our lives does mean having more fun but it also includes our children and grandchildren. M.

        • J. May 11, 2013 at 10:54 am #

          I so agree with you, M. My daughter and Son-In-Law have decided to just take my 2 beautiful grand babies away from me 2 months ago and I am DYING!! It HURTS sssooo bad! I have done nothing! We had a little dissagreement and bam, they took my grandchildren away! I cannot see them, talk to them, nothing! I was in their lives for 3 years. That’s how old they are! I know they miss me as much as I miss them! I feel like my daughter has been picked up by an alien or something! I did NOT raise her like this! J.

        • V. May 18, 2013 at 4:49 pm #

          No when you are pushing a baby out of your body the only persons feelings that deserve consideration is the person pushing. Mom had her time. She needs to respect her daughters wishes so she can bond and Bf her new baby.

          Daughter very clearly spelled out what he wanted- to act as if she somehow is incapable of deciding this as an adult is prob why the distance. V.

  22. M. August 15, 2011 at 4:07 pm #

    My son and daughter n law are seperated and have been for 6 months. She has NOT let any of the family including my son see his 4 children. At the time they seperated they had just had a new baby who was 3 days old, we have Not seem this baby nor has my son had a chance to bond with this baby. Everythime he would try to go to see them she would call the police. I have tried to communicate with her and her mother but, neither will respond. Is there anything we can do as grand-parents to obtain rights to see our 4 grandchildren? M.

    • Luise August 17, 2011 at 8:35 am #

      See an attorney ASAP. The laws vary from state to state.

  23. M. August 22, 2011 at 1:05 pm #

    I’m a daughter in law. While I agree that grandparents should be allowed to see their grandchildren, I believe that there needs to be a good relationship with the parents before that can occur. I say this only because anyone who is “family” aren’t necessarily good people. But that doesn’t mean that the parents aren’t at fault either. I was treated horribly from my father in law. He constantly undermined my parenting, he talked about how I was disrespecting him to all who would listen (including my own mother). If I asked him to do something concerning my son, he would tell me no and that he would still do whatever I asked him not to do. This created trust issues. I wanted the best for my son and I couldn’t trust the one person that I should have been able to. This led to him getting less and less contact and no more babysitting (although he really wanted to). He knew all along why he wasn’t being allowed to do what he wanted concerning our son. He tried talking to me about our “problem” and every single time, anything I said would be interrupted and turned back to well you did this too so it’s ok. He truly believed that he was doing the right thing. We soon moved far away from him closer to our son’s other grandparents. My parents and my mother in law are fine with any requests we need them to do. We don’t bother them with babysitting or anything, we just want for our son to enjoy their presence. Now going back to my father in law, he hasn’t shown any reason to be able to trust him alone or even with us watching him around our son. Any time we try to resolve anything, I end up in tears because he is telling me that I’m the cause of the problems. He has helped me become insecure with my parenting, insecure with myself. It’s hard for me to trust others and even the other grandparents who have done absolutely wrong are getting restrictions that would have never happened without these emotional conflicts that we’re never solved. When a grandparent won’t take responsibility for their actions, they deserve to be punished. Since then, we still can’t solve anything. We have decided that we will not be seeing him because we do not need his negativity to affect the way we treat our child. And if we need to do something for ourselves so that we can be a better parent, so be it.

    Grandparents do not have the right to blame everything onto the parents. It’s 50-50.

    However, I do take this statement back when and only when a grandparent has a good relationship with their grandchildren and parents for the most part and they just disappeared without a trace. M.

    • Luise August 23, 2011 at 10:50 am #

      Dear M. You may want to come over to my Web-forum at http://www.Wise WomenUnite.com where a comuunity of understanding people help each other out with these very real and very tough issues. http://www.Wise women Unite.com Blessings, Luise

  24. B. August 27, 2011 at 12:51 pm #

    I have read these different situations and I am in a terrible one as well. I have 3 granddaughters. My son had a daughter by a woman he did not marry and then left that woman for another and had 2 more children. They, (my granddaughters) are so cute and pretty and I am dying inside a little more each day by not seeing them. I have not seen the girls since before xmas and this is getting to be just too much for me. I am so sick inside I cannot explain. I tried to get along with the woman my son is with, really I did. I always had to walk on egg shells around the woman. I have never met anyone in my life like this woman, no one. If I liked something, she automatically did not and thats fine but it got to the point of ridiculous in stages. So I began using reverse phycology with the womam. When she didn’t agree with me then, it was fine because it was nothing I ever wanted.
    My son is to blame, also of course. If I call him he just hangs up on me and I cannot find out why I am in so much trouble. It is so hard to explain. One of the last things my son said to me, —–I could not believe, he blamed me for his shyness all of his life. What? That is somewhat strange………anyway, the woman he is with is a control freak and there is no reason to keep me from seeing the girls.
    What to do. I probably should just delete this but see no where to do that.lol,

    Now I have been blocked from e-mail on Face book because I was to make no comments on the page. I did not say Grandma misses the girls, I did a long time ago, but yesterday when I went on to see photos of the girls I made little comments of how cute they were, only and now I am blocked. This woman that is with my son say this situation is all between my son and me, that she is not involved? Well, she is the mother of the children, she is the woman that loves my son and she knows that all he does is hang up each time I call………….what does one do then. Even if you did not like (cannot say mother-in-law ) they never married——-she is still the one who professes to love my son so much.B.

    • Luise August 28, 2011 at 7:29 am #

      You are in a pretty tough situation that has no easy answers. You may want to come over to my women’s forum with your issues for some feedback from others who are facing something similar. We are at http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com Blessings, Luise

  25. J. September 10, 2011 at 2:37 pm #

    my daughter has 2 children with her boyfriend he died in an accident now his parents want the right to see the children the kids even though they where never close to the children after he died they never checked on the children or any thing they took it upon there self to sell everything that there son had and never put the money up for the children they never bought a head stone for his grave the daughter is doing that do they have any rights to these kids. J.

    • Luise September 12, 2011 at 9:00 am #

      J – See an attorney. They may have no moral right…but they may have legal rights.

  26. M. October 23, 2011 at 11:25 pm #

    I raised my granddaughter for the first three years of her life. My daughter was not stable enough during that time to adequately care for her child, even though she fought for custody. I paid thousands of dollars for attorneys and she was able to get her attorney pro-bono. Just before my granddaughter turned three years old, I could no longer afford the legal expenses, and as a result surrender the child to her mother (my daughter.) Even though my daughter was an alcoholic, arrested for theft, had a history of violent behavior, involved in an abusive marriage, slashed her wrists and was hospitalized in the hospital mental ward countless times, the state of SD refused to intervene on the child’s behalf. I always knew that my daughter would use me in some way to hurt my grandchild. I moved away. I was gone for two years. All the while I was gone, my daughter lied to the child about why I was gone. Allowing my grandchild to believe that I didnt want her. Whenever I talked with my grandchild on the telephone, I could hear how tired and exhausted she was. I don’t believe she ever slept. My own mother (my grandchild’s great grandmother) confided to me that my daughter remained “unfit” to properly care for her children. My daughter was arrested again, the children placed in foster care as a result. Her abusive husband constantly telling my daughter and grandchild that he didnt love either of them. On & on & on. Then during a phone conversation with my grandchild, my grandchild asked me when I was coming back to “save” her. I was even more heartbroken and devestated. I wanted to see her so badly, yet I knew that my grandchild expected me to come back and take her away with me. My mother passed away, my grandchild lost her great grandmother of whom she was extremely close to and loved/loved by very much. I returned immediately. Ever since my return, my granddaughter tells her mother that she doesnt love her, doesnt want to live with her and that she wants to live with me. My daughter accused me of being the reason why. This child is very unhappy at home, and she cries out for me uncontrollably. She tells me she is afraid of her room at night. She tells me her mother (and father) hit her in her face, and hurt her. I have witnessed the extreme psychological and mental abuse. Because my grandchild tells her mother that she doesnt love her or want her and screams that she wants me, my daughter will no longer allow my grandchild to spend time with me alone and wont allow her to spend the night. This is cruel. My daughter is constantly threatening to move away, take my grandchildren away, not allow me to see them. My precious grandchild is acting up in preschool, and having outbursts. My daughter physically spanks, hits my granddaughter who is only just turned five years old. My grandson will be four years old in January 2011, and he still cant speak clearly and craps in his pants. Ever since my daughter has had custody of my granddaughter, she wets her bed at night, something she NEVER did when she was living with me. She was potty-trained normally and never had insomnia problems. My daughter gives my granddaughter Melatonin because she can’t sleep at night. This is also part of the reason my granddaughter wets her bed at night, because she is unable to awake to go to the bathroom when needed. It sickens me that my daughter is “drugging” my granddaughter this way. Something like this can be a “learned behavior” and affect my granddaughter in the long run by thinking that she needs to take something in order to sleep regularly. I also believe it is a way for my daughter to “get rid” of the pressure of the kids almost on demand. When she gives them Melatonin they pass out cold within seconds. I am very much against this. My granddaughter has told me that her mother has said that she wants to shoot and kill me. When her mother heard her say this, she was very abusive with my granddaughter, spanking her for “lying” when I know for a fact that the child is NOT LYING. My daughter fights with her spouse on a daily basis, where there has been physical violence and constant emotional and mental abuse that my grandchildren live with every day. The police have told me they cant do anything until my daughter “commits a crime.” Dont any of these atrocities constitute a “crime?” This is sick! My grandchildren are suffering, and my daughter has no real love for these children. She is not a nurturing loving person, and these children are growing up in the worst way. She spends money on “toys” for the kids, and I guess it must be her guilt for all of the other atrocities? I am worried sick about my grandchildren, most especially my granddaughter because she is the one hurting and suffering the most. My daughter has told me that because I raised her child for the first three years of her life, she has NEVER BONDED with the child. This scares me to death. Somebody please help me. I need some advice. I told my daughter that I will seek intervention because it is my right to be able to spend time with my grandchildren (most especially my granddaughter) because I raised her for three years, and it is also HER right to see me & to be able to spend time with me. Now my daughter is saying that she will never allow HER CHILD to go with me again, or to see me again. I need all of the advice I can get. If there are any psychologists out there than can give me their advice on how this child should be handled or how this situation should be handled, please respond! M.

    • Luise October 27, 2011 at 7:39 pm #

      M. Your issues with your daughter, her husband and your granchildren are way beyond the scope of this Web-site. All any of us can do that read your story is to send love and prayers. You all deserve so much better. Blessings, Luise

      • D. February 12, 2012 at 4:48 pm #

        dear luise i have a son who recently broke up with his girlfriend who has mental problems they have a daughter which is my granddaughter now she is showing revenge because she did not want me and my son to have a mother son relationship she blames me for everything and i was not even there they have been in an 8 year nightmare i can only see her when he gets her and she cant spend the night or anything since they broke up i love her so much but she is going thru so much to i will not be chaperoned by my son before they broke up i was allowed to have her woman needs help plz pray for her ty god bless. D.

    • G. August 1, 2013 at 5:11 pm #

      Go to an alanon meeting. You will find support there. Even if your children aren’t alcoholics you will be given tools to find peace whether your children allow you or not to be in your grandchildrens’ lives. G.

  27. M. February 6, 2012 at 6:19 pm #

    My sister-in-law passed away last year due to cancer, her death was relatively sudden. She left behind two little boys, both under the age of 8 with the father (my brother-in-law) whom was really never in the picture until his wife took sick. His grieving process was very quick, and moved on with a new girlfriend within months of the funeral. My husband (her brother) and older sister are still grieving and try to see the boys as much as possible, but recently there has been some bad blood between the family regarding the new girlfriend and the fact that the boys seem to be forgetting their mother – as a result of their father getting rid of all photo and material evidence of her existence. He now refuses to let anyone see the boys; effectively using them as leverage against the grieving family. He is not got the greatest parenting skills – in fact we’d love to call CAS for numerous issues (one of which being he smokes weed with the children in the room, they go to school and to their aunts place absolutely stinking of skunk) however we’re dangling by a thread. He has so much power and we are literally powerless; he controls who the boys see and don’t see. The grandparents are at a loss and we’re not sure what legal stance we can make. If we call CAS and he is deemed an unfit parent, the children go to his parents who are just as bad if not worse. Any suggestions? M.

  28. A. February 22, 2012 at 9:08 pm #

    It’s not always the parents of the grandchildren! My father in law and his wife, (my husbands father and step mother) don’t make an effort to see my son! They haven’t even called to check on him in almost 3 months!! So it’s definitely not me and my husband, it’s them! My parents and my husbands real mom see my son all the time! And his mother lives states away! His father and stepmother who never see him, live maybe 15-20 miles away!A

  29. E. February 25, 2012 at 9:26 pm #

    I am a 67 year old retired professional who had 3 children. Only one of my children had a
    child. Since this grandchild has been born my son will not let anyone keep him except the baby’s Mom or him. The baby Mom works and my son takes care of my grandchild during the day. When I go to visit my grandson for the afternoon, my son will not allow me to do anything with the grandchild. I ask to walk the grandchild down the sidewalk in front of his house. The child is 2 years old. My son will say no. He does not leave the room when I am visiting except maybe for a minute. They came to my house 4 months ago and I have a feeling that was because my daughter in law insisted to come. They live just a little over an hour from us. Not only is he this way by me but all other people like my sister and husband who are retired and spent a lot of time with my son when he was growing up. He acts like he doesn’t want the child to like anybody but him and maybe the child mother. The mother does take the child shopping and church by herself. I have kept the grandchild in the store that my daughter-in-law was shopping in. I don’t believe this is my daughter in law idea–I blame it all on my son. If my son has an appointment and the baby’s mother can’t keep him—my son will take my grandchild with him rather than let anybody babysit. My son does spend quality time with the grandchild and the child acts very happy. They go to the zoo, beach, library, and children museum during the day— at least a couple times a week. When I ask to keep my grandchild just for an afternoon, my son will say no like with an attitude. My son is in his late 30′s. My son has always been a good person and obeys the law. The only thing that I know that happened, when the baby’s mother had the baby she had a hard time and the baby was in a lot of stress because they didn’t do a c section earlier. My son is always mentioning this–he was there in labor room and thought the baby was dead when he first came out. But the little fellow seems fine now. My son seems to even resent me coming to visit but usually will agree for me to come about once a week to visit for a couple of hours. I am so confused about this whole situation. I have tried to talk to him but he just gets an attitude with me. E.

    • Luise Volta February 26, 2012 at 6:45 pm #

      E – Adult children get to create a new family unit and make their own rules. Often they don’t make any sense to us or to others but that is their right…just like it was ours. Blessings, Luise

  30. M. March 9, 2012 at 8:10 am #

    Well my situation is kina of different my inlaws don’t like me. First when my husband and I were going out they where so happy. I got pregnant so me and my husband we decided to get married they even got happierbut they didn’t kno I was pregnant. But me and my husband decided to move for a couple of month with them while we finded a place to live which they agreed. Like 3 weeks later they mother inlaw changed and started to treat me bad and she did used to talk to me. My husband was on traing cause his on the military but I never told him hat se used to do to me. One day he came hom and he told my husand that was the one that was treating he bad and I never talk to her. Me and my husbnd decided to tel them that I was pregnant. When we told them they react so different that they got mad at telling us that we should done what we did that the bi aby we where having was a mistake. I started to go to my parents house cause they were the one that were not mad and were giving me and my husband support. My inlaws got mad cause I started to go to my parents house. They told my husband every single thing I was doing. My husband soon was going to be depot so I told him to let me stay with my parents while he was overseas. My inlaws got worst and they started to to have communication with me. My husband got deploy I left to my parents house, since then I didn’t got a phone call to see how me and my pregnancy was doing. My time came for babygirl to be born. I my husband told me to call his parents. I did called them they came to the hospital just to criticize my babygirl and to fight with me and my family in the hospital. Now they want to be part of my baby life which they don’t even call to see how we doing. So I decided not to take her to see them cause they don’t even care. Now they telling my husband that I don’t let them see her that they are calling me and calling me when I don’t ever recive a call from them. M.

    • Luise Volta March 17, 2012 at 5:10 pm #

      M. – I think you should let your husband know that the only way to deal with what you’re up against is for him to have direct communication with his parents. You are being misquoted, misrepresented and mistreated. If they try to contact you, tell thim to get in touch with him. You are in the middle and that’s not helping anyone. You deserve so much better. Blessings, Luise

  31. E. March 13, 2012 at 5:12 am #

    my son has decided he does not want contact with me, my husband and his siblings, however still contacts my mother ( his grandma) and my siblings (his aunties and uncles). we last saw our first grand daughter when she was 3 moths old, she is no approximatly 2/3 now. they recently had a another child which we have still no seen. we have no idea where they live as our family will not tell us. we have no contact numbers. no way of contact what so ever. i think my daughter-in-law has brainwashed my son, so he does no contact us. it has lef a massive hole in the family structure. however i am not sure if i am eligable to take them to court, for grandparent rights, this scares me, as i fear if i go to court it will make them certain that they will not allow contact.please help! E.

  32. M. May 8, 2013 at 9:53 pm #

    I seek prayers for tomorrow I go to court to since I’ve filed for temporary custody of my two grand-daughters. I’ve been raising these angels since they were born. My daughter has a son who has cognitive developmental issues. My agreement with her is that I would raise the girls and she focus on my grandson, her schooling, and become financially independent. I don’t want her depending on welfare. Everything was going fine at the beginning, but soon it became evident that the father of the girls was not so much interested in being a father to the girls but getting my daughter back in his life. See my grandson is from the man who would become her husband a two years later. Within this time he became very violent, with my daughter and her Fiancee. He broke into my home while I was at work and beat my daughter’s Fiancee with a brake pad in front of my grandchild. The bedroom was covered in blood, the walls the bedspread the carpet. He split his head wide open. All he got was a slap on the wrist. From that point on the abuse just got worse. I had to install cameras outside my home. He was caught on tape damaging my daughter’s car, hitting her, breaking her cell phone, and he always seemed to get charged with a misdemeanor. There was a time when my daughter and her Fiancee were broken-up and my daughter for whatever reason when back with her ex-boyfriend. When she tried to leave, he held a gun to her head. And at one point was choking her, his mother nor his father could get him to release her. All this in the presence of my grandchild.
    It has been 6 trying years, but the love of God has never left our side. 3 weeks ago, I sent my son to take the girls to Chuck E. Cheese and the father showed up out of nowhere. My grand-daughter of 6 was telling me how frighten she was in his presences. Because the girls are being brought up in an nonviolent home. I never remarried, nor dated since they were born because I want to break the curse of violence. Anyhow I took actions and decided to apply for temporary custody of the girls. He (Their dad) immediately retaliated. Broke my daughter’s car door and her window as well. He also quit his job that same day he got served with the papers. He been working at a pizzeria for only a few months because he was locked up for other incidents. Yet he managed to hire an attorney and made himself out to be the father of the year.
    I am going in with nothing more but my faith in God.
    Is there anything I can do or say that will convince the judge that the girls best interest is with me?
    Please help.
    My appointment is tomorrow, I shall check my email tomorrow in hopes on some well thought advice.

    Thank you for all your time and attention.

    God bless you all. M.

    • Luise Volta May 9, 2013 at 6:59 pm #

      You have your faith. That is what is priceless. Love and prayers to you and yours. Blessings, Luise

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