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My Daughter-in-law Misconstrues Whatever We Say

Category: Values & Beliefs

Question: Dear Luise: I was having and online conversation with my son and asked if his wife was getting more crap put on her head not thinking any more about it. We were to see our grandchildren at the end of the week and when we stopped by, my daughter-in-law wouldn’t let us in. I then asked if something was wrong with my infant granddaughter because her face looked swollen, instantly my daughter-in-law told me that she knew what I meant by that and said we were not welcome to their home. My sweet grandson started to cry. He is two. We left. I should have known she was a mind reader and likes to misconstrue whatever we say to her own understanding. During this time I had been cleaning out closets and since they were not answering the phones or doors I left my sons stuff on their porch. Also because I was concerned about my granddaughter I left a list of possible problems that could be the cause of her face swelling. After a couple of weeks and me e-mailing an apology to both of them I got the response from my son that they prayed about it and they have decided that we need a break from each other and not to come by their home or his work. He said I was malicious. I then got a call from my sister and was told that on my daughter-in-law’s “myspace” site was a cartoon with the phrase of “mother-in-law from hell.” She claims to be a Christian?. It has been almost a month since I’ve seen my grandchildren. For the nine years I heard her talk and make hateful remarks about her own mother, her mother’s husband, her father, brother, sister-in-law and even about her infant niece. She just started a relationship with her own mother in the past year and a half. I hope it doesn’t go this long. I know some very dark secrets about her that her own family doesn’t know and I’ve been battling with whether to let this information go or not and let the chips fall where they may. T.

Answer: Dear T. I honestly don’t understand the remark you made about your son’s wife “getting more crap put on her head” but apparently they felt it was unkind and didn’t accept your apology. They may have misunderstood your placing his things on their porch as well; thinking it was some kind of statement and meant something. Once things got going in a negative direction, your suggestions regarding their daughter’s face were probably misunderstood, as well. Interpretations and perceptions can easily get pretty unrealistic.

I don’t think I would share the dark secrets about her; things are already pretty tense.

Whether you like her of not, she and your son have established their own separate, family unit by marrying and having children, (just like you and I once did), and within that structure they have their own preferences and rules that you must abide by to be part of the whole.

It might be wise to wait it out and when your son again approaches you, to ask him what is expected of you. I know that sounds unfair but I don’t know of any other resolution to the misunderstandings that have gotten in the way of yourmaintaining an extended family. Blessings, Luise

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14 Comments »

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Comment by J.

January 3, 2009 @ 6:47 am

Dear Luise: I haven’t seen my grandchildren in 9 months due to a controlling, insecure daughter-in-law and a bi-polar son who has become impossible to deal with. 9 months ago her controlling behavior over my son escalated to physical abuse from him. He talks suicide, etc. and she informed me he has been asking her for a divorce for 3 years. I told her “then give it to him”, next time it could be one of the children hurt, this is not a healthy relationship. My grand children are 9 and 14. My son went to jail and now they are together again. Since then, they do not speak with us, hang up on us, do not return calls. I found my 14 yr. old granddaughter on myspace and she wants to see us badly. Her mother has torn my family apart, putting the wedge between my son and I for the past 3 yrs, now taking the grandchildren. She called around the holidays and said we could see them then backed out the day we were to pick them up. My husband spoke with her lengthly on the phone and she admitted she didn’t want to let me see my granddaughter because she was afraid I would turn her against her. She’s impossible to deal with and hurting my granddaughter very much. Are we suppose to wait until my granddaughter is 18 and can see us on her own? This is heart-breaking, we haven’t done anything wrong. J.

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Comment by Luise

January 3, 2009 @ 11:42 am

Dear J.: This kind of situation is very hard to resolve. Grandparents try to rescue grandchildren for very good reasons but often the authorities do not respond and the parents, no matter how lacking, are seen as the best option. As you know, that’s simply not always true. It’s the children who suffer the most when the home isn’t supportive. You can go to an attorney to see what might be done but usually the grandparents only get the children when the parents don’t want to be bothered with them. You are doing what you can by letting them know that you love them and are there for them. The day may come, and you are right, it may be when they turn 18, that they will come to you. Blessings, Luise

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Comment by A.

February 11, 2009 @ 12:29 pm

Dear Luise: I have two daughter in-laws. Nothing you say will ever be OK and they ALWAYS use the grandchildren for punishment. It is rare I think to have a DIL who respects her in- laws as she would her own parents. DIL’s always want to go to their parents home for holidays or cut in-law’s holidays short. They are jealous if you EVEN buy a gift for a grandchild …unless their parents thought of it..I say do as me and SLAM the DAMN door and tell them to stay the hell out! A.

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Comment by Luise

February 11, 2009 @ 3:44 pm

Dear A. I’m sure that has been your experience but I also know it can go either way. I had one of each…a DIL who would take a bullet for me and one who wanted to put one in me! Blessings, Luise

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Comment by G.

May 14, 2009 @ 11:16 am

It was hard for me to believe that there are other women out there who have the same problem as me….a daughter-in-law who wreaks havoc in a family. Mine was wonderful and compassionate until she had their first child. Then, she instigated a competition between her parents and us. She wants the kids to love her parents more. We just want to love the kids. Her parents live an hour from here and we get to see the kids more. We are called upon to do so much with them, because my son and her both work. Naturally, the kids are going to care about us, because they are here at our house 6 out of 7 days. We are a fun bunch and the kids love it here. She absolutely hates the fact that they love us. I don’t know what to do to help the situation. I have tried so hard to make her life easier, but nothing seems to work. And, as time goes on, she is getting meaner. I wonder sometimes if she is jealous of the close knit family that we have? She only has one sister, and it is very evident to everyone that her parents are partial to the sister. We have 4 children in all….3 boys and one girl, and our daughter has even tried to be really good to her….to no avail. Any suggestions? G.

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Comment by Luise

May 17, 2009 @ 7:06 am

Dear G.: You are doing your best. What you are giving your grand kids is priceless. Your DIL’s attitude is something you can’t change. If kindness and warmth would do it…you would have succeeded long ago. What you are offering is a role model for her kids. That could very easily alter their lives now and give them a leg up when they move out into the adult world. Your DIL has issues that contract the world around her. You expand quite naturally and that’s a gift to everyone in your family and extended family. Please consider posting the same issues on my new web Forum: http://www.motherinlawsunite.com . A problem-solving, supportive community is forming there. Blessings, Luise

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Comment by P.

September 21, 2009 @ 2:00 pm

I had a very interfering mother-in-law and I vowed I would never be like her. She was a sergeant major in the army —I will leave the rest to your imagination. Now I am saddled with a rude future daughter-in-law. I have never interfered but she drags me into imaginary arguments. Twists what I say and bla bla bla. They live overseas–I Hope they stay there permanently. I have a very busy life with my own interests and dont need a silly, jealous, madam to cause a family feud. P.

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Comment by Luise

September 21, 2009 @ 6:30 pm

What a bummer! You got the short end of the stick both ways! Please come over to my web-Forum: http://www.motherinlawsunite.com I think you will get a lot of support there. Blessings, Luise

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Comment by Franny

January 22, 2010 @ 8:57 pm

Your daughter-in – law was getting more “crap put on her head.” What does that even mean? Shame on you for such a horrible, hateful remark. Plenty of mature adult women manage to have decent relationships with their mother-in-laws. You’re obviously to blame in this situation.

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Comment by Luise

January 22, 2010 @ 9:07 pm

It msy be obvious or it may be an “I think.”

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Comment by Franny

January 23, 2010 @ 7:14 pm

Oh no. It’s obvious.

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Comment by F.

May 26, 2010 @ 9:24 am

I have 2 daughter in laws.One is as sweet as can be- her family is as well.They share the hoildays with us and we have a little grnadaughter that is loved by all and another on the way.They call us we call them- we even hang out together.
The other daughter in law is from hell and so her is drunken dysfunctional family- she is a size 00 due to throwing up she has had boob jobs tummy tucks botox and she is not 32 yet and she is on some kind of meds for being crazy–although she has self diagonised as OCD.She knew my son about 6 months before they married- he met her on the internet after divorcing another woman just like her – that one was on prozac and had a sex addiction.When they were planning the wedding I stayed out of it..we paid for his first one-yet they begged us to pay for the before wedding dinner.They asked us for $500.00 and said it was going to be at a country club.3 days before the dinner in her driveway she snickered that the venue had changed to a bowling alley.I asked what the price was and she said oh lots cheaper–never offered to return any of the money.We are NOT rich and that was part of our savings.She told me to wear a dress just like her mothers– her mother is a size 5 and was wearing a tube top type dress..I am NOT a size 5 and asked to wear something that fit my frame–I was paying for it.She told me that she was thinking of not inviting us to the wedding if I insisted on another dress.I told her that would be fine.She then said fine wear what you want.She did not talk to us for 1 year after that..we found out through the grapevine that they had a baby.She then told people we never came to see the baby– we did not even know about.We finally talked them into counseling–after 6 weeks the whole thing came down to she was mad because I did not make her a chocolate cake on her birthday and make her feel special.We are like what?????So now they have 2 kids- the woman has accused us of doing sexual things to the children so they can not stay the night anymore– our choice on that- we even suggested they call child services– she then said well it was all a joke and you did not get it.OMG not funny.She then told us that we needed to feed her children only low fat low cal and she had to approve the meals.I said then you can bring their food–she now says we mistreat them due to the fact we will not spend money on them for their”diet”.Her 5 year old is asking how many calories are in stuff and saying she can not have anything with fat in it..the mother has an eating disorder–although she will not admit it.- she came to Christmas folded her arms and never spoke to a person.I am sick of her and my son lets her just rule people.I have no respect for him and he treats us like crap.We sent him a birthday card with money and he never even said thanks or called on moms day.The younger boy and his family said they are done with them and we should be done also.The DIL from hell is rude nasty and self indulged.We have tried to be nice but she always thinks the worst.We have decided that if the penalty is no contact with the grandchildren and our son to be rid of her then it is well worth it.He is older then her buy almost 10 years and all that know them say it will noty be long and she will dump him for a younger party type guy.I just hope they dont have any more kids.I just thnak God for the other DIL– is nice to see that there are sweet ones out there. F.

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Comment by Luise

June 7, 2010 @ 9:30 am

Please come over to my Web-forum: http://www.wisewomenunite.com Blessings, Luise

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Comment by T.

July 21, 2010 @ 8:43 pm

Wow. You guys my son married a mexican girl, no papers, I worked and helped him get her papers and now she’s trying to start crap between me and my son. I’m a single mom having raised by myself (with God’s help) since he was 3 1/2 months old. Walked 10 miles to get me and him from an abusive man (my ex-husband) when I was 19. Yes, 33 years ago. In May of 77. I’ll tell you what I have told him. I did not pay for her green card for her to come here and start crap and if she does try to stop our communicating to court we go. Take care all. God Bless. T.

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