Question: Dear Luise: We just got the wedding behind us and everything went well. Actually it was beautiful. My question is, what does a family do when the daughter in law ignores the entire family of our son. We have been around her just a few times due to the fact that our son is in the military. When corresponding with my daughter in law by email prior to the wedding, I would often not get a reply or it would take weeks to hear from her even though her opinion/answer would be needed to plan pre-wedding events. I thought this was possibly some mother in law to be issue. At the wedding our son’s grandparents (82), aunt and uncle, brothers and parents got the cold shoulder. Actually when we told her how beautiful she looked, wished them a happy life, and welcomed her to the family, there was dead silence. She visited laughing and talking with everyone but the groom’s family at the wedding. Each member of our family voiced a concern to each other thinking that they as an individual had done something wrong not realizing that it had happened to us all. What do you make of this and is there any advice you might give? Prior to the wedding my husband seemed to be in her favor but even he got this non-responsiveness. It has thrown him a curve ball and he is not happy. One family member stated that she was like talking to a brick and it seemed that now that our daughter in law had him, she didn’t have to be nice to us. We are Christian people and want to love her. S.
Answer: Dear S. She is cutting him out of the herd…taking “possession,” so to speak. It happens more often than most of us realize. I have never heard of a son-in-law doing the same thing, although it may happen.
There is very little you can do but love her from afar and try to understand her insecurity…a tough assignment. And it’s bound to get even harder when grand children appear on the scene.
Many parents have tried to appeal to their sons in this situation but that is seldom successful. They are usually totally besotted and easily swayed by the new wife’s perceptions.
Her bottom line: all-consuming jealousy. She feels like she can’t compete with history and deep bonds, no matter how much Christian love and understanding she is given and she’s simply using her newfound position to create a vacuum in which to launch her new family unit. She may know this or it may be pretty much on an unconscious level with superficial rationalization holding it together. She is probably confident that your son will bend to her will. She has some very cunning and powerful, manipulative tools, remember…tears, pouting, silence and withholding sex, to name a few. His bottom line: it’s his lesson in divided loyalty. No one can help him with it…not really. Also, she may change but there’s no guarantee she will.
You can pray and you can genuinely love both of them from a distance. Let your son know you support him while letting go of him at the same time. It may be hard to respect his choices but he has stepped into the adult role and is on his own learning curve. Have deep compassion… because he sure picked a tough initial issue!
You can also call a family conference and decide as a group not to pass stories around about her. Don’t feed each other’s pain, sadness and loss. Show her by example that there is another way to live life and that there is no shortage of love, either horizontal or vertical, unless we create that illusion. Blessings, Luise
I am good to my mother in law, even though shes always looking for flaws in me. Don’t think that your sons new wife is evil, and out to manipulate his every move, and control him with sex and blablabla! Daughter in laws are special.They will be there to take care of you when you’re old and cannot function on your own anymore!They will take care of your sons when you’re dead and gone!They will give birth to your grandchildren and become mothers themselves…..don’t start looking for trouble already,it all depends on your attitude not hers!RESPECT THY DAUGHTER IN LAW and she will respect you! K.
Oh, K. if that only was the case 100% of the time but nothing is. There are wonderful mother in laws out there and wonderful daughter in laws, too. But there are also MILs and DILs who battle for supremacy, are unkind and refuse to see the havoc they bring to those around them. Some times they are in the same family and sometimes a really mean one is paired up with one that is sweet. And of course there are the combination we seldom hear from where both MIL and DIL are secure, lovely people who offer each other loving, mature equality.
I have just established a new Forum that I would like you to consider posting on. I feel your point of view is really valuable. If you are willing to take a look at it, (it’s only one week old), the URL is: http://www.motherinlawsunite.com It is about uniting in compassion, support and understanding…not judging, condemning and bashing because most of us get to play both roles, eventually, and sometimes it’s really difficult. Blessings, Luise
Umm, I don’t agree with this post. What do you mean it all depends on the MIL’s attitude and not the DIL? My husband and I went through the exact same thing when my step son got married and if you think that attitude out of the DIL is OK, you need to reread it. N.
Dear N.: Discussion is easier on http://www.motherinlawsunite.com Luise
Dear Luise: My oldest son got married last year, though I knew right from the first meeting of his fiancee three years ago that it was going to a bit rough. She was very difficult to get to know. But eventually she warmed up. I have done everything I could do as a mother to demonstrate love and acceptance towards her. They just had a beautiful baby boy in July;my first grandchild…what a joy, or so I thought. I went bonkers buying items and generally offering any assistance needed. I even picked her and the baby up from the hospital and took them to there home, for my son had to work. Then – the coldness began. At first I thought it was just new mother nervousness. I had to remember how I was when my son was born. But when she didn’t even allow me to hold him at times, and talked about stories she heard about bad grandmothers, I knew something was up. Any suggestion I offered, ( I’ve had three children), she rejected, so I stop offering. As the months went by, she got even colder. The only time I see my grandson is when my son brings him over, (2 times), and this has been against her wishes. She posted on her Facebook page that she will never allow anyone to keep her baby, and that includes Grandmothers and aunts. The real kick in the stomach was the rejection of a beautiful cradle swing with a mobile that I had purchased. She very rudely told me when I took it to them as they were moving into their new home,(assembled it myself), that I should take it back to my place because she didn’t want it cluttering up things. No offer of thanks, nothing. I never dreamed this would happen. The pain over this is overwhelming for me. I am divorced, and my children and I have conquered very painful events. We are very close, and I wanted to be close to my daughter-in-law. I want to shower my grandson with love as he grows. I don’t intend to interfere in their marriage or anything, but not being able to see my grandson really hurts. I wish I knew what it is that I have done. J.
Dear J.: We can guess what is going on with another person, but it is always just that, a guess. Your DIL already had some issues and you may have overwhelmed her with your enthusiasm. Who knows. Her solution may be to take charge and isolate.
For me at least, it has been very hard to learn to ask what my adult son wants. I love surprises. Not everyone does. He’s 54 and I still want to be over-involved sometimes. It’s my job to get past that, not his job to tolerate it.
If you back off, your DIL may come around but she may also decide not to. If you put pressure on your son, the visits may stop.
They have created a new family unit and they are making up the rules. It’s really sad that they don’t seem to want to take advantage of your experience and caring. My guess, in this situation, is that it’s her choice and your son is backing her up.
I’d like t suggest that you come over to my web-Forum: http://www.motherinlawsunite.com A lot of support is available there. Blessings, Luise
Dear J. I feel your pain, I am going through the same thing. My DIL went so far as to have her mom over for the twin’s first b-day and not ask me. (They did have a big formal party planned later in the week which I was invited to… but I wanted to see them taste their first cake). When her dog accidentally pulled me down and I broke my ankle she didn’t even call me the day after the accident to see how I felt and after months of therapy (and money), she never ever mentioned the incident. I went out of my way to make sure to tell her it was not the dog’s fault, but she is cold and indifferent ALL THE TIME. She shuts me out constantly – she and her sisters and mom go every where and do every fun thing, I get to go to their apartment once a month and play with the kids for a couple of hours. I am left out in the cold and my son allows it. I have tried talking to him but he gets defensive and doesn’t want to hear it. I am so brokenhearted. I never thought being a grandmother would be so painful. To see my grandchildren, I have to practically make an appointment. I feel like I’m always begging and acting needy but I want to be part of my grand children’s lives so I do it. M.
Dear M.: You are wise to keep the door open even though it is very, very hard to deal with a person like that. Please come over to my web-Forum at: http://www.motherinlawsunite.com Blessings, Luise
To M…
Tears in my eyes as I read your story and others that replicate my situation exactly! The emotional pain is deep as I have been separated from a once thoughtful and caring son, who now asks me ..”are you losing your mind?..” “there’s no battles being won here..” ” are you ok?’..”. I can’t believe the insulting and insinuating questions as to my perceptions.
I am so confused as to why this happens to mothers who have given their gift to another woman. I am stunned and hurt.
Taking care of myself has become my priority and I am in the process of accepting the separation of son and the grandson.
This is all I can post at this time..it’s just the tip of the iceberg…S.
S. Please come over to my Web-forum for women who have issues with their adult children and extended families. You will find support and understandin at http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com Blessings, Luise
Wow! I searched the web to a solution to the biggest problem I have ever faced, and here it is. Thank you very much! We have been praying daily and struggling with the turmoil this young woman is putting our family through. We have bent over backwards for this girl and all it gets us is more alienation. We love our son and have to do the best we can to keep him in our life. L.
Please also consider coming over to my Web-forum created to support those faced with this problem. http://www.motherinlawsunite.com Blessings, Luise
Personally, I think every newlywed needs their space. You say you are Christian? then read Geneis 2:24. You should know that their relationship is not about YOU. It is about THEM. A marriage is a union between a Man and Woman joined together by God. I’ve been married for over 20 years. It took me a long time to realize that I am not required to like my inlaws. There! I said it. Don’t you understand? Maybe she just doesnt like you. And that’s OK, because she is not marrying you. And I dont want to hear that crap about “She is marrying the family:” No she is NOT. She stood at the altar in the sight of God to be joined with this man. NOT YOU! They have a new life together. Let the son go. If you keep hanging on you will only make matters worse. C.
The new daughter-in-law is consumed with jealousy??? Oh please… give me a break! The mother states that her son is in the military–this means he likely does NOT live near his family, and possibly hasn’t for some time. It is quite possible that in the midst of moving away from home, serving our country, & growing as a man that the son got a clear head and was able to see some strife in his family that was not apparent when he was interacting with them more regularly. (Case in point… the mom is seeking out every family member in attendance at the wedding to talk trash about the new bride.)
Maybe the son expressed these feelings to his wife & she in turn is keeping her guard up in response to something he might have expressed to her.
That ever occur to you? You have no business giving advice to jilted mother-in-laws who can’t make room for the new woman in their son’s life. E.
I am a new mother-in-law and feel relief reading these posts. In general, with my own situation, and my response to what I’ve just read, I am disappointed in the entitlement of the DILs. I had negative feelings about my own mother-in-law, based on her treatment of me and of things in the past with my husband…but I would never have felt entitled to banish her from his life or treat her with respect. How about some basic good manners from the new bride at the wedding. No one has to be best friends…just civility and then set and agree on boundaries. It is my DILS pouting with mer, her temper tantrums that my son and her parents give in to..that throw me, because I know if I do not cow tow…my grandchildren will be withheld. Yes, I am trying to suck it up and let this be my son’s issue, but not easy. D.
Come on over to my Web-forum: http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com Blessings, Luise
i’m a married son in law and am blown away by the issues women can create when they feel like they have been wronged. The first and most important thing I can say out of all my experience is you never know what the other person is thinking so do be so quick to say “cold shoulder” when do you have any idea how you truly come across? I bet not because the only people that tell you how you come across are those people on your side of the family. And don’t tell me you know for sure … cuz if you think you are getting the cold shoulder, it’s likely the MIL was just so afraid of not being accepted and somehow you nailed her expectation/fear. Just be kind … always. M.
Thank you. How very wise you are. Blessings, Luise
Can it be that the new bride is still emotionally immature? Is she too young, perhaps or perhaps she didn’t quite know how to prepare herself for meeting the whole family and that was why she was silent as a brick? Some people who aren’t used to being social respond in awkward ways, if they aren’t used to this. Weddings are stressful. I think she just needs time to settle in to her new life but all things change and with your love and patience, she’ll grow to be loving. They need full support so that their marriage grows and she is very fortunate that you have love of Christ in your hearts!! She is very lucky to have found a family that can have compassion. These shocks of new life are hard for parents – like growing pains. Hang in there!! L.
what part of ‘a an shall leave his mother and his father’ mothers in law do not understand? we do not have to like you! we married your son not you, we are forming a new family together not with you! our kids are ours until they grow up we dont have to please you, we dont need your advice if we dont ask for it, so can you please leave them alone and get a life A.
Another victim mother-in-law. She probably doesn’t like you. Yes, imagine, a grown adult not liking another grown adult, it’s possible. Sometimes you don’t click with someone or find their personlity to not be to your liking. All she has to do is be civil to you, like it or not, that’s if you are civil to her. Why is it always the MIL’s on every single internet site who hve “no clue” what they did to offend their DIL or why their DIL doesn’t want to be best friends? Because she’s doesn’t have to. Like others said, I married my husband not his mother. I don’t like my MIL bc of countless disrespectful things she has done to me and my family in the past and the big one, she can’t cut the apron strings. Also, why are you brining the fact that you are a “Christian” into it. I’m Catholic, and does that make my opinion anymore valid then yours?
At my wedding, I spent most of the night with my husband then we greeted guests on both sides. I didn’t spend my night socializing with any particular side and if your side has nothing better to do then watch what the bride is doing and gossip back to you, maybe there’s a reason the bride wasn’t so friendly with them. You and your family need to get over yourselves. R.
My situation is on the other foot. My future son-in-law is cutting my daughter off from us. I don’t blame him- I blame her. I realise they are becoming one- but they are not excluding his family. And before you guys start hollering- another MOB having issues. I am not the only one who has noticed. Even her adult sister has remarked about how there doesn’t ever seem to be any time to visit her family- but they can spend days and nights with his. I don’t call everyday- I don’t show up unannounced. I have tried my best to respect their relationship, but I sure don’t feel like he respects mine. As a matter of fact, we have had a couple of big celebrations for some major milestones- and he didn’t even come. He planned trips out of town. So it’s not just dils and mils. It can be sils and mils too:( V.
Please come over to my Web-forum at http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com for some support on this. You are so rught. The same situation can surface in any pattern. Blessings, Luise
My son just got married, to a nice girl, so we thought. She liked me just fine before the wedding. She has a 6 year old daughter..shortly after the wedding, things started to transpire, such as not allowing us to spend time with our grand daughter, but allowing more time for the other grandmother to have her. Then treating us like it was non of our business, what her daughter did. Telling some stories, behind my back. Saying she never received text messages, or not understanding, when we would want our grand daughter, or holidays that she wanted to cut us almost out!! Now because of all this, we do not speak to our son,. His wife was very disrespectful to me, and she never apologized. My son let it go, but now I am made to be the bad guy. I stopped all communication, because of the physical stress this was causing. What advise can you give my husband and I? My son clearly sides with her every single time. The last thing was we had a family plan cell phone, I paid my part, and she canceled it right out from under me, and kept the money. I cant forgive this. This has been going on since March 23. T.
You need more than a single response. Please come over to my Web-forum established two years ago for those facing similar circumstances with adult children and extended families. You will find understanding and support there. You were a whole person before you had a family. You can be whole gain. Blessings, Luise
As a MIL, our family has bend over backwards for son/DIL. Aware that anything done to her disatisfaction will result in “not letting anyone see grandkids”. Never realized that a “heart” could actually hurt. Manipulation. T.
Come on over to http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com You are not alone. Blessings, Luise
Dear Luise,
when someone comes to you with a question or consolation, as did ‘S’, please dont rub salt into the wound and make things worse. I do not appreciate the way in which you have tried to answer to “S”‘s problems. Coz you have only made her more insecure and increased her hatred towards her DIL. You ought to help patch up things, and not increase the “Hate My DIL” membership count. Thankyou!D.
I knew for sure when my engaged son came home from college with bloody scratch marks and he told me directly that “Vicki did it because she didnt want me to go for a walk” that my son was in trouble. She has since had my child committed to a mental hospital that we had to go get him out of. There is no forgiveness in my heart for her. He is still with her, even after this. Only God will break him free.D.
I came to this site because I am struggling with the hurt of ‘loosing’ my son. My dil loved me the first couple of years or so before she and my son were married. Things slowly deteriorated with her after their marriage. Now 4 years into their marriage my son has turned against me. I haven’t changed from who I was when they met all those years ago. I guess I was too close to my son for her comfort.
Whatever……….. I think all of us here are expressing the deep hurt we feel of loosing our sons. It is like a death, a bereavement of the person we gave birth to, nurtured and cared for whilst we were bringing them up. No-one can possibly prepare us for what it feels like. Our dil’s cannot possibly understand how we feel. They may do one day if they loose a son when he gets married.
I have determined to go through the ‘bereavement’ and see what’s the other side. It’s hard not to blame and be bitter but this never healed anything.
Here’s to all mum’s who feel they’ve lost their sons. Have courage, feel the pain and I hope to ‘see’ you on the other side. H.
Please come over to my Web-forum at http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com You will find a lot of support there and will be able to help others. Blessings, Luise
I’ve so tried to love my daughter in law through everything for the past 4 years. It hasn’t worked. I knew she needed to carve out her own family.
My son and daughter in law both have 2 sons from previous marriages. My son had custody of his two, one is developmentally disabled with some physical problems, as well. I’ve cared and helped with these boys since birth. As a long time nurse, I was usually the one that was the “go to guy” for the disabled one. They practically lived with me for a long time. Until this marriage.
Since then, horrible things have happened to both of my grandsons, so horrible I won’t even go into it here.
In the beginning, she insulted me at just about every birthday party for any of the boys. She was so rude at one of them, my mother couldn’t take it anymore and hastily left. I tolerated all of this for years.
Bottom line, I intervene when it comes to my special needs grandson. Needless to say, they call it meddling. I wish I’d meddled when first suspected one of the horrific things was going was on but it would have done no good. They wouldn’t have listened. Instead, one of the incidents was discovered by my son. Finally.
I could go on and on. Bottom line, I helped my former daughter in law get every other week shared parenting. (bless her heart, she’s not exactly great in the maternal instinct dept but she loves them deeply). She welcomes my medical help. We got him back to Children’s Hospital for his care in some areas. His stepmom doctor hops, for some reason. So much for continuity in care. She can’t even dress them daily. My poor disabled boy has worn and slept in the same clothes for days a time!
I just can’t stand it. And Children’s Services is worthless. N.
N. – What a terrible situation. I have no idea how to unravel it but I feel you need support. I have established a Women’s Web Forum where you can share as much of this as you want to, anonymously. I think the understanding and input of other women facing similar issues might help you. If you would like to, please come over to http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com Blessings, Luise
Hi !
Cheers to the great values you will be imparting to your lovely one.
Thanks!C.
I too have had lots of problems with my son and daughter in law for years now and also with an abusive daughter who is a one parent. Fortunately they both live miles away. What I have had to do over the years rather than becoming, bitter, ill and stressed out, is to keep my distance from them all and make the most of my life with my husband and my friends, and enjoy life. I really think that the stress from all this can kill you – and life is too short. I try to accept things and let them get on with it. When their children grow up they may get the same problems as us.
I don’t ring them as they always have an answerphone on. When I leave messages on the answerphone, they never return my calls. My son rings me when he wants us to see them all. I have hardened up over the years and if they really did upset me, then I would become estranged from them. Then I would have peace. We are civil at present. J.
J. Please consider coming over to my Web-forum at http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com The women there could benefit so much from your experience and it is a very loving andunderstanding community. Blessings, Luise