I’m Not Ready for Sex but He Is
Question: Dear Luise: My boyfriend is pressuring me into sex and I’m just not ready. Okay, we have been dating for 4 years and we have been to each other’s family outings quite a bit and I’m 15 and I don’t know what to do. I already decided myself that I am going to be abstinent and it seems to get harder and harder to do with him riding me on it…(bad choice of words..) He seems to be everywhere… it’s getting creepy. He keeps sending me flowers and putting perverted notes, (that he thinks is romantic) in my locker and goes through my stuff at my house. I keep trying to tell him no but when I see his face he looks sooo sad and I feel sooo bad. Help me please. B.
Answer: Dear B. When a couple hits an impasse like this it is often very hard to negotiate. No matter what you do, one of you wins and the other one loses.
You have a right to hold off for as long as you choose. And after four years of dating, your boyfriend has a right to state his case. (Please note, however, that he does no have the right to invade your privacy at school or at home. To do so is a dangerous sign of mounting disrespect.) Between the pressure he is putting on you and the sadness he is displaying, I think you need to tell him that continuing to date is something that has just become too difficult.
Sex often complicates life and the younger you are, the deeper the scars can be when the relationship doesn’t survive the changes that it brings. If you want to focus on school and family, sports and recreation and/or “whatever”…you should be free to make that choice and leave being sexually active for “later.”
To opt to give up your abstinence due to the pressure that’s being exerted on you and the guilt you are being made to feel is not a viable reason for making such an important decision. There’s a strong chance that regret would follow and, eventually, resentment.
I would suggest that you take a strong stand in this matter and move on with your life by ending a relationship that no longer serves either of you. You can’t make “no” work for him…and he can’t make “yes” work for you. Blessings, Luise
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