Question: Dear Luise: My boyfriend is pressuring me into sex and I’m just not ready. Okay, we have been dating for 4 years and we have been to each other’s family outings quite a bit and I’m 15 and I don’t know what to do. I already decided myself that I am going to be abstinent and it seems to get harder and harder to do with him riding me on it…(bad choice of words..) He seems to be everywhere… it’s getting creepy. He keeps sending me flowers and putting perverted notes, (that he thinks is romantic) in my locker and goes through my stuff at my house. I keep trying to tell him no but when I see his face he looks sooo sad and I feel sooo bad. Help me please. B.
Answer: Dear B. When a couple hits an impasse like this it is often very hard to negotiate. No matter what you do, one of you wins and the other one loses.
You have a right to hold off for as long as you choose. And after four years of dating, your boyfriend has a right to state his case. (Please note, however, that he does no have the right to invade your privacy at school or at home. To do so is a dangerous sign of mounting disrespect.) Between the pressure he is putting on you and the sadness he is displaying, I think you need to tell him that continuing to date is something that has just become too difficult.
Sex often complicates life and the younger you are, the deeper the scars can be when the relationship doesn’t survive the changes that it brings. If you want to focus on school and family, sports and recreation and/or “whatever”…you should be free to make that choice and leave being sexually active for “later.”
To opt to give up your abstinence due to the pressure that’s being exerted on you and the guilt you are being made to feel is not a viable reason for making such an important decision. There’s a strong chance that regret would follow and, eventually, resentment.
I would suggest that you take a strong stand in this matter and move on with your life by ending a relationship that no longer serves either of you. You can’t make “no” work for him…and he can’t make “yes” work for you. Blessings, Luise
All my friends who have had sex in their early teens have regretted it. You gain more respect from a boy by abstaining than yielding under pressure. While girls that are sexually active appear to get a lot of attention it is only because boys want one thing! I am just 20 and still a virgin and I can honestly say my friends are envious of that. Sex is special, if you are unsure whether you want to or not than you most likely don’t really want to. Wait untill you are 100% sure. Good luck!
Well put! Thank you! Luise
Well, I am a 22 yr old virgin (haha, first kiss at age 20!) And I’ve dated (or been on dates because that’s as far as it gets lol) several guys. ranging from a week to 3 months of interaction. And I was left almost every single time. And do you know why? Because I didn’t have sex with them when THEY wanted to. [for clarification that means no sexual activity whatsoever between us other than kissing] A guy can pressure me all he wants but I’ll never give in prematurely. If I don’t feel 100% ready then it’s not going to happen buddy! plain and simple. And it’s not about religion if there’s anyone wondering…it’s a personal choice. If a guy can’t respect my boundaries and decisions then he definitely will not respect me.What does that say about a future together. It says to me that a guy doesn’t care about my opinions and that he is selfish. I refuse to get run over and commandeered by a dude who is only after one thing. P.
Dear P. It’s a tough call. Too soon, and sex just complicates what was meant to be childhood. Too late and you kind of dry up. Cultures differ and so do times.
We need to fit into our own society and we also need to be respectful of our own attitudes and opinions. Not always easy to find someone who is on the same wave-length. I know a couple that just got married this month that were both virgins. She’s in her late 20s and he’s 37. I’m not sure the marriage vows are going to give them a new view of things…but who knows? Blessings, Luise