How Can We Create a Friendship after Breaking Up
Question: Dear Luise: I have something that I have been having trouble dealing with. I had a love relationship with a boy but it didn’t worked out between us. It was very stressful. I blamed myself, and I felt dependent. We broke up but we are still very connected. I think he is a very good person and want to be his friend, but I’m still very hurt and don’t know how to relate to him. I don’t want us to be mad at each other, but sometimes it’s hard. What can I do to feel good about this situation? I feel like I can’t control the way I feel. It’s very strong. Thanks. S.
Answer: Dear S. I don’t know of any way to do what you have in mind except to give it time.
A friendship can’t be forced and it can’t be built on a foundation of hurt. One has to abate before the other can start to form.
Give yourself a chance to get through and past what went wrong and how it felt/feels to have failed to create a viable love relationship. As often as possible, remind yourself that we can love someone deeply and not find that someone compatible to live with. Love is about the heart and soul. We muddy the waters when we mix it with sexuality and co-existence…yet those are the next, natural steps. It can prove difficult and even impossible sometimes to embrace personalities, logistics, finances and habits…(to name a few.) All of it is relationship because we are relating in every circumstance.
Go over what happened and forgive yourself and him. You were both being who you are and you are both fine…just different. Intense, love relationships often bring up all kinds of insecurities. It’s easy to trip over unrealistic expectations, too. The stress you mentioned can soon outweigh the benefits and defeat success, as you are well aware.
Later on, perhaps you can be up front with him about how you would like things to go. See if the two of you can focus on the shared goal of learning to become loyal friends. You both have to want the same thing to even get started at it. Talk about how that might look and what you might do to promote it.
In the meantime, part of your healing may be turning toward other interests and new friends. Give it a rest if you can and let yourself lighten up. Take a well-deserved vacation, join a new group or reconnect with an old friend. Create something that will make your heart sing that has nothing at all to do with him. Blessings, Luise
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