I’m not Who I Want to be and Don’t Know How to Get There
Question: Dear Luise: I am not able to gel with people, life. I live like a dissatisfied soul. Life seems like a burden…the responsibilities, i mean. And i have not been able to become free in expressing my emotions openly. i am not able to be myself in the presence of others. i want and don’t want other people at the same time . i am insensitive as well as sensitive. I also fear people. i have not been able to tune into them which i so much desired. where i dreamed of being a healer, through talks and love, these very things do not flow out from me…fear, frustration, disorganization and sadness does. about my life i can only say that it just goes on. Is there anything that you can help me with? i trust this site . thank you so much for your time. i really appreciate you going through this. T.
Answer: Dear T.: Being sensitive isn’t all it was cracked up to be, is it? It would seem to me that you would benefit from getting professional help to sort this out. The fact that you see it so clearly and consciously experience it is a good sign, even though it’s obviously a real bummer.
What immediately comes to mind about your predicament is that we all have these conflicting values and beliefs…most of us just don’t know it. That’s because when one attitude or opinion is running the show, most of us forget we have also seriously entertained and/or experienced and embraced its’ polar opposite.
We would like to think…when all is well…that we are always considerate, thoughtful, understanding, productive and positively useful. So we rationalize… when all isn’t well…that surely a return to all of the above is imminent. The truth is that we all vacillate and we all flounder. A lot.
I once read an account written by someone who worked closely for years with Mother Teresa. She described that great saint as being an absolute bear to work with. Well, she actually used another, very descriptive word that also starts with “b”.
You are a mixture of the ridiculous and the sublime…the helpful and the counterproductive…the friendly and the abrasive. What you can learn with time is to access conscious choice. You can develop the skills to edit and select. It’s a necessary part of maturation but one that often isn’t taught to us by our role models.
It’s not easy to go back and fill in the blanks, but it’s possible. Blessings, Luise
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