MomResponds.com: Ask Questions, Get Answers

Comment by Marie

April 19, 2007 @ 12:17 am

Can someone tell me why mothers are so controlling of their daughters and jealous of them. I have nothing but evil from her. She has told evil about me all my life, what is her problem

Comment by Luise

April 21, 2007 @ 9:21 pm

Amswer: Dear Marie: I think you know this is not always true. There are a lot of wonderful and loving mother/daughter relationships out there. What is so sad is that you never got to experience it. It’s time to get that finding the answer isn’t going to make it right. Accept the fact that your mother is seriously lacking and turn toward the things in your life that bring you joy. Things you do have something to say about. Let it go. It is her loss to be the way she is. Blessings, Luise

Comment by Jess

July 24, 2007 @ 2:29 pm

I have a sister-in-law who tries to act just like my mother. She spends more time with my mom than hers. Everytime I go to see my mom or am spending time with her, my sister-in-law is either there with us or on the phone with my mom the whole time. My mom likes the attention and uses it against me. I have gotten better at ignoring it because I thought it would gradually go away. I was wrong. What should I do before it messes up the relationship between my mom and me?

Comment by Luise

July 27, 2007 @ 9:28 am

Answer: Dear Jess: I am going to treat this as a new question and will be answering very soon. Blessings, Luise

Comment by Mary

September 14, 2007 @ 11:39 pm

I have never known anyone who has shown such dislike for me as my daughter in law has. She seldom says a word to me; not even hello or good bye. My grandchildren 3 yrs and 5 yrs. are always happy to see me when I babysit. I live alone and sometimes need to call my son but she has told me because I call him it is causing a break up in their marriage. When I try to tell her that is the last thing I would ever want she doesn’t respond. So I have tried to call her first, before I call my son but she does not answer even if I leave a message and ask her to call me.Now she has put a “stop” when I try to email her (it is the whole family’s email address) and it tells me she is not accepting emails from my address. My therapist said I have no chance of ever having her accept me. It is making me so depressed and altho I take medication for it, knowing things will not change I feel so helpless. I can’t believe there is no hope for us to be a family.

Comment by Luise

September 15, 2007 @ 5:17 am

Answer: Dear Mary: How sad. It sounds like this situation is of long-standing. The one positive note is that you get to babysit and have a good relationship with your grandchildren. Your son is still there for you, too. Right? Hang on to that. Many people in the same fix never get to see their child or grandchildren again once these dynamics arise. Blessings, Luise

Comment by Withheld

October 6, 2007 @ 6:26 pm

Dear Luise,
Reading your comments about daughter in law jealousy has lifted my sadness somewhat. I thank you for this!
My daughter in law is from a very sick family, neglect and abuse abound and sadly I recognize the pattern from my own. I’ve had a lot of therapy to try and work it through and marriage failures.
I will now get more therapy for me especially since my husband isn’t much help with this ‘emotional’ stuff.
I’ll now certainly avoid putting my son in the middle and enjoy my grandaughter when I get to see her.
Having missed out on a loving family of my own, and being close to my son I had hoped for a closeness for us all. To make up for what I missed out on I guess.
My son’s Dad and wife, my spouse all dislike the daughter in law intensely and I have tried to come to her defense. She is not a well woman which I
need to fully accept…but oh my how distressing!!
My heart aches…but I DO have my son and grandaughter’s love and I intend to drop back and keep what I have as best I can.
Are there any other mom in laws that want to talk with me?
Thanks.

Comment by Name Withheld

November 27, 2007 @ 2:46 am

Comment by withheld, I have a DIL who is sometimes nice but other times is very cruel. She will ignore me at family gatherings and be out when I say I am going to visit. My exhusband has remarried and my DIL gets on really well with her, even being overly friendly with her at social gatherings and ignoring me. I have cried many a tear & do not want to cry any more.I have turned myself inside out trying to be nice, but nothing seems to work. I have decided not to try any more, and I will keep praying for the whole situation. NW

Comment by Luise

November 27, 2007 @ 9:20 am

Answer: Dear NW: What is so terribly hard about your situation is that it is all about her. When we try to understnd what’s going on with another person, we are usually up against a blank wall. Often they don’t even know themselves. We are all complex and much of what motivates our behavior is unconscious. We think we know but we mostly make up answers to fit the question. Your daughter in law has problems. Somehow, she has cast you in the roll of someone she can’t relate to in a consistantly kind and warm way. It may have a lot to do with the “triangle” that includes your son. The other mother in law doesn’t figure into those dynamics. And, it may have nothing at all to do with any of that. Taking it persaonlly is normal but/and it isn’t helping. She has a problem and you are not it. You are wise to dry your tears and focus on the people who appreciate who you are. Blessings, Luise

Comment by name withheld

November 28, 2007 @ 2:17 am

Thank you Luise for your answer. I really appreaciate it.NW

Comment by evelyn

January 7, 2008 @ 9:35 am

My 20 yr old son met his wife just 6 months ago. From the start, this girl hated me. She was his first gf, and he got wrapped entirely around her finger and would do anything for her. She convinced him to marry her after just 4 months without telling me or his father, and then her parents threw a big reception for them without inviting us. I have only been allowed to see him once since September. When I saw him, he was very happy to see me and wanted to resume our relationship but within two days, wrote me back a hateful email saying that ‘we weren’t ready’ and that I had been ‘looking at his wife’ funny. He has given up his cell phone, so I can’t call without first going through his wife or Mother in law (he lives with his inlaws.) They won’t let me talk to him, even on Christmas. They have cut him off from all his friends. I feel like it’s a cult, almost, and I’m really worried for him - he has no freedom or ability to make his own decisions. This family has total control over him, and this girl he’s married hates me so much that she says she vomits at the thought of me. I can’t tell you how much I’ve cried. My son and I had a very close and loving relationship before he met this girl, just 6 months ago. He’s turned from a kind, compassionate, funny, warm person to a hate-filled, cruel, paranoid, confused and angry person. I offered to pay for counselling for all of us at a counselor of their choice (son, wife, myself, husband, and his mother and father in law) but they refused.

Comment by Luise

January 9, 2008 @ 9:23 am

Dear Evelyn: You know and I know that your son has probably made a huge mistake. He is young and inexperienced. I don’t know of anything you can do but wait…and he may not return. He’s stepped out into the world and into what looks like a very familiar,(to most of us), trap. Right now he won’t listen to you or address his “incarceration.” The hormonal rewards are too great. Wait and hope. That doesn’t sound like much but don’t write him off. Be there if and when he starts to come to his senses and seeks your advice. And if it is in your belief system to do so, pray for him. Blessings, Luise

Comment by Susan

February 22, 2008 @ 10:22 am

Thanks so much for the small, but real comfort of knowing that I’m not the only one with a broken heart because of a rejecting daughter-in-law. The pain just never goes away - my son and I used to be so close.

Comment by Moma B.

February 23, 2008 @ 10:40 pm

I married into a closed family unit. I am a young daughter-in-law with a toddler son. I hate to admit it but I think I may be a bit jealous of him. I mean this…my in-laws never really included me in the family before my son was born. And now it is apparent that they prefer blood relatives over anyone else. It hurts me. I have always wanted a good relationship with my mother-in-law (like the one my mom had with hers). If you watched them together you would think my paternal grandma was my mom’s mother. Grandma accepted her as her own daughter.

My MIL has often said that my son would be the one to make us closer. Why can’t I be accepted into the family? Why can’t they just accept me for me? I accept them! It never occured to her that just maybe she has to get through me to get to my son. And so maybe she should try to also get to know me. By getting to know me, she would have all the access she wants to him. Does this sound jealous? Maybe it is. But it is not like she doesn’t see him at all. It is just not as often as she’d like because I don’t trust her and because she hasn’t taken the time to consider me in all of this. Am I wrong for not wanting to spend my wkds tweedling my thumbs while she plays with my son?

Comment by Luise

February 24, 2008 @ 1:52 pm

Answer: Dear M. B.: I will be treating this as a new question…soon. Blessings, Luise

Comment by G. Saine

March 30, 2008 @ 1:27 pm

It makes me so happy to see I’am not the only MIL that has a DIL that hates her. She is just like the rest of them She is so jealous. My son has to call me from work. I’m only allowed to see the Grandchildren once a weeki, if she is in a good mood. Pray for us all.

Comment by Luise

March 30, 2008 @ 1:44 pm

Answer: Dear G. I had a daughter-in-law like that once. My son bought our car and when we delivered it, (over 100 miles round trip), he had to come down to talk to us at the curb. We weren’t invited up. Blessings, Luise

Comment by Z.

April 10, 2008 @ 12:37 pm

I have a daughter-in-law who seems unresponsive to our overatures to have her in our family. She is bent on making my son go with her family only. This just puzzles me and I don’t get it. My son is an only child and he waited until he was 39 to get married and she was only 27. The whole thing is sad and I don’t understand someone who did not give us a chance. It is depressing to me not to have a relationship with my son that is open with a nice exchange of information and ideas like we used to have. He was more open and called frequently and was so much more congenial before he met her. I don’t get her at all. It is like she is very insecure and has to have my son prove his love to her all the time in the most childish way. I am disappointed in all this. I tried to hard to be nice and give gifts and be thoughtful. But is just getting harder. This had been going on for 5 years now. There is a lot more but it’s just too long to go into all of it. So any opinions, please?

Comment by Luise

April 10, 2008 @ 6:34 pm

Answer: Dear Z. Five years must have made it pretty clear that your dream of an extended family is not going to materialize. Your son made his choice and his wife is not interested in his family. She seems very immature and self-absorbed to me, as I’m sure she does to you. We have nothing to say about the choices our kids make and what they bring to us when they create their own automomy. Collect your dignity and back way off. If he misses you, he may make an attempt to reconnect on his own…or he may not. When we get our offspring raised, they take the reins of their own lives. It’s hard to get that we can be left out of the equation, but unfortunately that often happens. Blessings, Luise

Comment by G.

June 16, 2008 @ 12:47 pm

I never had a chance to have or not have a relationship with my DIL. The few times we met, she seemed wonderful. That was less than 2 years ago, and I have not spoken to my son in the past 1 1/2 of those years. I have never met my first and only grandchild. Slowly I am learning to live without him in my life, but I still miss him everyday. I survived a divorce to a man that left me and my three sons to pursue a business, and I found a way to forgive him and even helped my boys rebuild a relationship with their dad. Ironically, my ex has a relationship with my son and his new family and I who sacrificed (freely) everything for them and was always there has none. I so often feel judged - like I must be the evil MIL or something because “Men don’t do their mother’s this way” for no reason at all. I guess they have their reasons but they have refused to talk to me about it - all the more reason I lived with guilt for over a year. I feel as if I will never be whole again, that everything I thought about life and love has been dramatically changed. I am finding it hard to connect with my new stepkids. I’m ashamed to admit it but sometimes I find myself resenting my other 2 son’s for not standing up for me with their brother. I don’t say anything but deep down it hurts me everytime they talk about getting to be with him at their dad’s for family get togethers. I don’t want to be this way, live this way, or even think this way, but all it takes is the mention of his name and I find myself struggling not to cry or let anyone but my husband know how much I hurt. I no longer question why, I don’t blame myself anymore, I know God has a plan, but it would sure be helpful to be able to communicate with others that have experienced this same rejection. G.

Comment by Luise

June 16, 2008 @ 1:41 pm

Dear G. Thank you so much for sharing with all of us. Please read the comments under “My Son Hates Me” for more support. Blessings, Luise