Question: Dear Luise: I really need your advice with my life. I am 28 and single with a 9yr old son. My problem is that I don’t feel interested in relationships anymore and people around me, like friends and colleagues, find that strange. They ask me how I can live on my own, when I am a kindhearted person who seems so responsible and maternal…in other words, wife material. I tell them why bother if I am unable to create a rewarding and lasting relationship. Although I do feel lonely at times, it’s a thought that just disappears within minutes of feeling it. From the time I fell in love with my son’s father, I’ve never been lucky with men. So, after one disaster after another I spent three years without dating…just trying to find myself and to make peace with the misfortune of meeting the wrong men. Last year I met this guy who seemed genuine and kind. We connected in so many ways, but after just a month he stopped contacting me. When I called him, he excused himself and said that he was busy and he’d get back to me and he never did. I just had to make peace with it, that he didn’t want me. That didn’t stop me. I still believed in love, so recently I started dating someone who also seemed too good to be true. We started off as friends and thank God it stopped there because I later found out he was married and was just trying to fulfill what was missing in his marriage. Now, I just don’t feel like having a man in my life. My father was just a father by name and never played his role in my life. My son’s father doesn’t even care about his child. I look back and it’s like all the man in my life never gave me a reason to want a man in my life. It scares me that if I keep having losers like this in my life, as role models they will negatively influence my son’s moral values as a man. I really don’t want that for him. I am trying to be the best mother I can be under the circumstances but he keeps on asking me when am I getting married and I don’t know the right answers to give him. I really don’t know where to find a good man. I seem to attract the worst losers of them all. What is wrong with me? I am a devout Christian and truthfully I met the last two men at church…thinking they are well grounded and have good moral values. They are both assistant leaders but yet they lie and cheat on their wives. My son’s father and I grew up together in the same neighborhood. He seemed like a good person. Now he is remarried and from what I hear, his wife feels she couldn’t have married a better man. That makes me feellike something might be really wrong with me. I just don’t know what it is and it scares me that I keep choosing the wrong men and I might end up alone. How do I make this right? Confused
Answer: Dear Confused: The really encouraging thing in your letter, it seems to me, is the fact that you are finding some deep peace in being a single mom. That’s what you may want to tell your son, that the two of you are doing just fine and if a third person is supposed to show up, he will. Tell your friends the same thing.
You have looked in all the right places and it seems to me that it’s time to stop looking. I don’t get that there is anything wrong with you. Nothing. Nada! I think I would join some really fun organization like “Parent’s Without Partner’s” and let it go at that. You have learned that no man in your life is better than the wrong one. Blessings, Luise