Comments on: My Son Hates Me for What I Did http://www.momresponds.com/492/hateful-son/ Luise Addresses Your Interests With Wisdom and Love Thu, 20 Nov 2008 12:50:43 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.6.3 By: Luise http://www.momresponds.com/492/hateful-son/#comment-3864 Luise Fri, 24 Aug 2007 04:26:01 +0000 http://www.momresponds.com/492/my-son-hates-me-for-what-i-did/#comment-3864 Answer: Dear Becky: He was a sweet little boy but that's not what you are dealing with now. He's getting meaner and meaner. How much of this abuse can you take? How long can you stick by him? Only you can answer that, don't you see? Blood ties mean "anthing goes" to some people and to others there is a place where a line is drawn. I think I would seek counseling if I were faced with this. You need an advocate and a clear head. Blessings, Luise Answer: Dear Becky: He was a sweet little boy but that’s not what you are dealing with now. He’s getting meaner and meaner. How much of this abuse can you take? How long can you stick by him? Only you can answer that, don’t you see? Blood ties mean “anthing goes” to some people and to others there is a place where a line is drawn. I think I would seek counseling if I were faced with this. You need an advocate and a clear head. Blessings, Luise

]]> By: Becky http://www.momresponds.com/492/hateful-son/#comment-3853 Becky Tue, 07 Aug 2007 17:37:45 +0000 http://www.momresponds.com/492/my-son-hates-me-for-what-i-did/#comment-3853 Dear Louise, My son is 20 years old and about 3 years ago he decided he didn't want to follow the rules at our home and moved in with his girlfriend and her parents. We got into a huge arguement and didn't speak for a while. A few months after he left he started speaking to me and would stop by when my husband wasn't home (step-dad). They haven't spoken to eacher in the 3 years he has been gone. My son takes one college class a week and doesn't work nor has a drivers license. His girlfriends parents do everything for him as they do for their daughter. They are enablers. Last week my son wanted to move back home and I told him we would have to sit down and talk about it. I also told him I loved him very much and would always be there for him. When I mentioned he would have to get a job and a license, he was very angery and said forget it he would find somewhere else to live. When I tried to talk to him about it he said he doesn't need me anymore. He can be so nasty and hurtful to me and I just can't figure it out. He was such a sweet little boy. I don't know where I went wrong. He is a very angery young man. I told him I would leave him alone and he told me to have a good life. He broke my heart. I love him so much and don't know how to help. It's so hard to get through to him. My mother went through this with my brother and they haven't talked in years. He is now 36 and has 2 beautiful kids she never gets to see. I pray this doesn't happen to me. Do you think I should leave him alone to work this out alone? The more I try to help the meaner he gets. Dear Louise,

My son is 20 years old and about 3 years ago he decided he didn’t want to follow the rules at our home and moved in with his girlfriend and her parents. We got into a huge arguement and didn’t speak for a while. A few months after he left he started speaking to me and would stop by when my husband wasn’t home (step-dad). They haven’t spoken to eacher in the 3 years he has been gone. My son takes one college class a week and doesn’t work nor has a drivers license. His girlfriends parents do everything for him as they do for their daughter. They are enablers.

Last week my son wanted to move back home and I told him we would have to sit down and talk about it. I also told him I loved him very much and would always be there for him. When I mentioned he would have to get a job and a license, he was very angery and said forget it he would find somewhere else to live. When I tried to talk to him about it he said he doesn’t need me anymore. He can be so nasty and hurtful to me and I just can’t figure it out. He was such a sweet little boy. I don’t know where I went wrong. He is a very angery young man. I told him I would leave him alone and he told me to have a good life. He broke my heart. I love him so much and don’t know how to help. It’s so hard to get through to him. My mother went through this with my brother and they haven’t talked in years. He is now 36 and has 2 beautiful kids she never gets to see. I pray this doesn’t happen to me. Do you think I should leave him alone to work this out alone? The more I try to help the meaner he gets.

]]> By: Donna http://www.momresponds.com/492/hateful-son/#comment-3831 Donna Thu, 12 Jul 2007 22:30:56 +0000 http://www.momresponds.com/492/my-son-hates-me-for-what-i-did/#comment-3831 Dear Ann, I just read your letter and I know exactly what you're going through. My forty year old son, in and out of trouble for years, came back into my life after three years of estrangement. Our relationship had been stormy for many years, he hated me for never knowing his real father (a long story). I forgave him this last time even after many abusive phone calls and situations. I always forgave him. Anyway, this last time he came back he was in trouble again, and my husband and I helped him with money and a place to live. We literally rescued him from a drug hell hole. He swore he was going to clean up his act and be different. He even apologized for the first time to me for acting the way he had in the past. Unfortunately,it didn't take long, and we suspected drug and alcohol abuse was still his priority. After three months of no job and hanging around with all the same people we got him away from, my husband told him he had to leave the little trailer he provided for him. No job, no free place. Desperate for money, he stole thousands of dollars from my husband and spent it all on methamphetimine. He was picked up in California with my husbands truck he stole. He's been in two jails since then, for DUI and drug paraphenalia. He too, frightened the rest of the family. The story is much longer, what I want you to know is, I did not, for the first time, bail him out. I would not answer his calls from jail, and let him sit it out. I wrote him and assured him of my love, but it was time for him to face up to what he was doing to himself and his family. I don't know either if he is mentally ill or it's the drugs. He is in pain I know, and at this moment is homeless and destitute. My husband won't forgive him and has banned him from our properties. Am I doing the right thing? I don't know, I know I could demand to let him come home. I love him so much, and I do forgive him even the bad things he's done recently. But, I believe my enabling, my guilt, has only made it worse in the past, and he has to face reality soon, before it's too late. My heart is broken too. Every day I see his sweet face as a child, and pray to God to keep him safe and whisper in his ear what he must do. In the meantime, I wait and try to get on with my life. I too, have a beautiful daughter with a family beside him, that loves me and needs me. All the best to you Ann, and me. Donna Answer: Dear Donna: The time comes when you need to get that it is his life. Parenting stops. Forty is not twenty. Love doesn't stop, though. It is never too late, in some context and yet it may already be too late, in another. You gave this man life and you raised him through childnood, not perfectly but to the best of your ability. He has made a lot of choices, rememeber, that you aren't responsible for. Wish him well in your heart, pray for him and turn away toward the life you were given and the marriage you are in. Blessings, Luise Dear Ann,
I just read your letter and I know exactly what you’re going through. My forty year old son, in and out of trouble for years, came back into my life after three years of estrangement. Our relationship had been stormy for many years, he hated me for never knowing his real father (a long story). I forgave him this last time even after many abusive phone calls and situations. I always forgave him. Anyway, this last time he came back he was in trouble again, and my husband and I helped him with money and a place to live. We literally rescued him from a drug hell hole. He swore he was going to clean up his act and be different. He even apologized for the first time to me for acting the way he had in the past. Unfortunately,it didn’t take long, and we suspected drug and alcohol abuse was still his priority. After three months of no job and hanging around with all the same people we got him away from, my husband told him he had to leave the little trailer he provided for him. No job, no free place. Desperate for money, he stole thousands of dollars from my husband and spent it all on methamphetimine. He was picked up in California with my husbands truck he stole. He’s been in two jails since then, for DUI and drug paraphenalia. He too, frightened the rest of the family. The story is much longer, what I want you to know is, I did not, for the first time, bail him out. I would not answer his calls from jail, and let him sit it out. I wrote him and assured him of my love, but it was time for him to face up to what he was doing to himself and his family. I don’t know either if he is mentally ill or it’s the drugs. He is in pain I know, and at this moment is homeless and destitute. My husband won’t forgive him and has banned him from our properties. Am I doing the right thing? I don’t know, I know I could demand to let him come home. I love him so much, and I do forgive him even the bad things he’s done recently. But, I believe my enabling, my guilt, has only made it worse in the past, and he has to face reality soon, before it’s too late. My heart is broken too. Every day I see his sweet face as a child, and pray to God to keep him safe and whisper in his ear what he must do. In the meantime, I wait and try to get on with my life. I too, have a beautiful daughter with a family beside him, that loves me and needs me. All the best to you Ann, and me. Donna

Answer: Dear Donna: The time comes when you need to get that it is his life. Parenting stops. Forty is not twenty. Love doesn’t stop, though. It is never too late, in some context and yet it may already be too late, in another. You gave this man life and you raised him through childnood, not perfectly but to the best of your ability. He has made a lot of choices, rememeber, that you aren’t responsible for. Wish him well in your heart, pray for him and turn away toward the life you were given and the marriage you are in. Blessings, Luise

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