My Daughter-in-law is Not My Mother
Question: Dear Luise: I am writing to you because I have daughter-in-law problems. Not the typical kind because my daughter-in-law isn’t a bad person or mean to me, just over protective at times. She watches over me like a hawk whenever we go somewhere, or whenever I am doing something. I often feel like I am the child and she is an over-protective parent. So, how do I gently tell her to back off, because I don’t want her to think I am not grateful that she cares and loves me? I just would like to go grocery shopping by myself without having to read all the labels, or eat what I want to in restaurants, sometimes! Thanks Luise, Beverly
Answer: Dear Beverly: Killing you with kindness, is she? Sounds like it.
Well, these things are tricky because what one person intends to convey and what the other person hears may be very different. Trying to tell someone “gently” to “back off” is no small task.
First off, let her know that you care deeply for her and that you are grateful for her love and support in return. It’s very important that you acknowledge that sincerely.
I would suggest that you then tell her that no matter how helpful she wants to be you feel like a kid who is being supervised by an adult. Let her know that you respect her knowledge and her application of it where food is concerned. Remind her that you have listened carefully and incorporated some of it into your life…but, ah, there’s the word… but…you want to exercise the privileges that go with your adult status.
Make it very clear that it’s not an option for her to oversee your shopping in grocery stores or food selections in restaurants any longer. Put some conviction into your position by adding that you will go alone, if she can’t restrain herself.
End up by asking her how she feels about what you have said. Listen to her…but…(one more of those), don’t back down or apologize. Stick to your guns and follow through with your solution if she refuses to respect the boundaries you have established. Blessings, Luise
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