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My Situation Feels Unresolvable

Category: Relationship Problem Advice: Questions for Couples

Question: Dear Luise: I am in an emotional and situational bind that seems to be unresolvable. Many, many years ago, (decades), I met my Soulmate. We were both married at the time. I left my husband for this man, but in the end, he couldn’t leave his wife and kids for religious reasons. My husband and I reconciled and had two children. One is grown and has left home, and the other is just finishing high school. I never got over this man and apparently he never got over me because he has just contacted me now that his kids are raised and he is divorced, and wants to talk. Help! Marla

Answer: Dear Marla: Well, what a fine kettle of fish, to use an old saying. (I am old, you know.) There are so many ways to look at this. Moral codes differ and we are not all cut out of the same piece of cloth regarding how much conflict we can deal with.

I take it that you haven’t closed the door or you wouldn’t be writing to me about it. The most obvious thing is the timing. When you were ready, he wasn’t, and now after decades, he is ready, and you aren’t. That’s an assumption on my part, but, again, if you were ready, you wouldn’t be writing to me, either. So, if you can’t close the door and you can’t open it, what to do? That’s it, right?

OK. I may get e-shot for this by some of my readers, but I think you should get together and talk. I know, I know…that’s probably not what you’d like to do if you saw each other again! However, that’s what’s needed to my way of thinking. Look at the depth of the bond. If both of you are still this connected. You need to deal with it.

It could be that one or the other of you has changed radically over the years. Maybe both of you have. Why keep a candle in the window, if it’s over and you don’t know it. You may have idolized a memory and be way off the mark. What has life brought his way and how has he dealt with it? How about you? You can’t resolve the issue realistically without getting current.

So, my, (probably controversial), advice is to find out if you are both just romanticizing about the past or not. If your connection is real then you have to decide what to do about it. You may choose to stay right where you are, whether the love is still there or not. He may be willing to be a very small part of your life and he may not. Who knows?

Face the music and see what the lyrics say. You can’t resolve it any other way that I know of, or, (I’m repeating myself), you would have. Blessings, Luise

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6 Comments »

1728

Comment by Pinklady627

October 20, 2006 @ 11:52 pm

I have a problem and I do not know where to begin to solve it. I got into a relationship four years ago. The first year of the relationship was wonderful except for the occasional arguments, but every relationship has those. At the end of the first year we separated because he had cheated on me. I can honestly say that I never gave him a reason to go out and cheat. I got along, with his child and his entire family. His family loved me and I loved them also. Well throughout our relationship the mother of his child would constantly give us problems, and that was the person that he ended up cheating on me with. So we separated, but that wasn’t what I wanted to do because I was still in love with him. I wanted us to fix things. But he wanted to be free and he never rekindled a relationship with the mother of his child it was just a one time thing. Well things went sour with him and his family so he was put out of the house. Well there was a female who had been wanting to date him, but she wouldn’t because she knew that we were together at the time when she inquired about him. So the next time that she had inquired about him she was told that me and him were on the breaks. So she ran into him and let him know how she felt and then after awhile he moved in with her. But the entire time he is still dealing with me and I didn’t know about him moving in with her at first. Eventually I found out and he would lie to me and tell me that they were just roommates and that he wanted us to get our own place. Well we put in our applications to move in together and the day before we were supposed to take our deposit and pick up our keys he lost his job. So that cancelled that entire moving in together situation. He continued to stay with the girl and continued dealing with me telling me that they were just roommates. Well eventually the truth came out on both ends. He was lying to her and he was lying to me. But after that encounter we both continued to deal with him. Then she started kicking him out of her house and then he would go back to his family and then they would kick him out and he would go back to her house and this has been going on for 2 years now. Sometimes when she would kick him out he would come to me and say lets try this living together thing again. I would go for it and then something would go wrong and we would go our separate ways. But I cannot seem to get away from him, I am so in love with him and I refuse to let him go to another woman. I think that he needs to be with me because anytime he has problems with anything he always has me to come to no one else is there for him like I am, not even his family. I love him and I can’t let him go.

1809

Comment by Luise

October 23, 2006 @ 5:53 pm

Answer: Dear Pinklady: I will be treating the above as a fresh question instead of a comment later this week. Blessings, Luise

1863

Comment by Pinklady627

October 25, 2006 @ 6:58 pm

Dear Luise,

The situation just continues to get worse and I have come to the conclusion that it is time for me to just walk away. Even though I love him with all my heart I cannot stand the pain any longer. I just can’t understand why I love him so much. Before I could tell people that he has done everything to me except put his hands on me. But he just recently managed to accomplish that also. And that made me decide to just leave him alone all together. I still feel love for him, and it hurts me to know that when he tries to come back this time I am going to turn away from him. I have never turned away from him and this is going to be the first time. Luise why do I still feel love for him?

1894

Comment by Pinklady627

October 27, 2006 @ 4:46 pm

Dear Luise:

You know the words that you said to me in your response to my question were the words that I come to mind everytime he does something to me. I know that I deserve so much more and I plan on getting exactly that. I talked to him lastnight on the telephone regarding this last problem that we had. Lastnight was the first time that we talked in almost a week. When I asked him to give me an explanation on his behavior and he told me that he was torn in between to people that he was in love with. He told me that he was in love with me because of the person that I have been to him. I have always been there for him no matter the situation. And he said that he was in love with the other girl because she was there for him when his mother put him out of her house and he didn’t have anywhere else to go. And he said that he didn’t want to hurt either one of us, but he doesn’t want either one of us out of his life. I explained to him why I couldn’t be in his life anymore. And he said that he understood, but he wasn’t going to let me go. He said that I am special to him and he has a funny way of showing it, but I am really special to him. Yeah Luise those are words that I used to love to hear, but I have had enough of what he has put me through. Thank you so much.

2001

Comment by Luise

November 1, 2006 @ 12:36 pm

Answer: Dear Pinklady: It is time to stop writing and take action. It would be my guess that you are deeply in love with someone you pretty much made up. The real guy isn’t living up to the picture you have painted of him in your heart. You love a ghost. Move on and get help getting through your heartbreak which is totally and completely real. Blessings, Luise

2986

Comment by marisa

December 26, 2006 @ 5:40 pm

Dear Luise, before my fiancee and I got together he was in a relationship which lasted 15 years, it has now been 1 year and a half since we got together and they still have contact. His ex messages and calles him every day, she moved down the road to where he lives, she even dyed her hair the same colour as mine. She is not letting go of him and he is finding it hard to let go of her. My partner is a very soft and kind hearted man and he feels guilty for hurting her, but at the same time their relationship is hurting me so he is confused about what to do. I have been seeing a therapist to talk about my feeling, I have talked to my partner about it, I have even given him an ultimatem, but all of these things seem to only have a temporary calming effect. I love him and I want to start planning our future with him but this situation is starting to really get to me down and hold me back. I don’t know what to do?

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