Question: Dear Luise: I’m in my early teens and I absolutely hate how bossy my Mom is. I don’t hate my Mom…but it’s hard to separate the two sometimes. She is into and on everything I think and do. She wants to know every single detail of my life and she is forever giving me orders. I know this is not the only way to be because I have been around my friends’ Moms and they are given room to breathe. I’m not. I have tried to talk with her and I have also yelled and screamed a lot and all I get is “it’s for your own good and someday you will thank me.” I will never thank her. NEVER! It’s pure torture. Is there anything I can do besides run away? Thanks, Kyla
Answer: Dear Kyla: It’s sounds awful. I have to give you that. And yet, we seldom like what our Moms do. How many of your friends tell you they just love the way they are being brought up? Yes, I thought so. Being a kid is tough and there’s a lot about being helpless that is factored into growing up.
My Mom was super-permissive. Do you think I bragged to the kids about how cool she was? No! I was totally convinced that she didn’t love me and didn’t give a rip what happened to me.
You don’t get to vote on this until your childhood officially comes to an end and you get your turn at being a Mom. You’re going to do it right, right? Well, I can almost guarantee that your kids will hate it sometimes…and you as well.
Helplessness is a rotten deal. Yet none of us can grow up by ourselves. Someone needs to care for us: provide food, shelter and guidance. Childhood is just like that. And, even though you’re no longer little, you aren’t ready to hit the road, either. It’s you Mom’s show. It has to be done her way. You have no real choice. Best to back off and put up with it instead of keeping everything on a World War III level. That takes energy and focus that you’d be happier putting someplace else. It’s just not worth it.
And let’s talk about running away. I hated my home-life at your age but I was smart enough not to run away. I think you are, too. Kids run away from stuff so terrible that most of us can’t even imagine it and the streets are ALWAYS worse! Guaranteed. For many, there’s no chance to ever be considered a grown up. They don’t live that long.
Hang in there and tough it out. Start a journal and write down exactly how you feel about your Mom’s bossiness. Also write what you plan to do differently when you are a parent and why. Keep it for future reference. There’s a good chance you’ll need it. Better days are coming. Blessings, Luise
Dear Luise, I’m a teenager, too, and my mom is even more bossier than you can ever imagine. She is keeping me from being happy, she isn’t letting me see my friends. So I’m stuck here with no one to talk to, and all she can do is nag nag nag. I want to be able to talk to her about it, but she is so judgemental it’s like we were one picture that was just torn apart. I really need your help. Signed, sick and tired (fed up)
Well, that’s the pits! Can you figure out anything that is going on? Why doesn’t she like your friends? Are they seen as a bad influence by her? If so, why? What is it that you need to be happy? What does she judge so critically? It sounds like your Mom is afraid for you. I disagree with her that isolating you is going to fix whatever it is. Ask her to arrange for you to talk with a counselor. Let her know that if she won’t talk with you about the problem then you need to talk with someone else…who can then talk with her. It has to be done. Is your Dad around, or an Aunt or a Grandmother? You need an advocate. Even if your Mom is making sense, you need communication to move forward.
Dear Luise, I can’t figure out why she’s doing it. I think it’s because she thinks they are a bad influince on me. I need what every girl needs: happiness in her life. She is judgemental of all my friends and me. Why should she be afraid for me? My friends are the best thing that has ever happened to me, because they help make me happy. I feel so helpless with everything. Signed, Helpless and Fed Up
If your Mom thinks your friends are a bad influence, she may be right. You don’t have her maturity and overview. She’s in charge and there’s nothing you can do about it. Why let it make you totally miserable? Why not find a way to create your own happiness? There are always people a lot worse off than you, so get busy. What can you do to fill your time that would make your heart sing? Beat your Mom at her own game and be happy anyway.
Thank you for the advice. It’s starting to help me.
You’re welcome. You are very wise to be problem solving your situation this way instead of whining, blaming and feeling helpless. Go for it!
I am in my early teens and my mom treats me like a little kid. She won’t let me go to this dance at school just because there are older boys there. I mean, if I need her I could call her on my cell phone and she could come and pick me up. But no, she wants me 2 be miserable my whole life. She needs to learn how to let go and let me do things I want to do.
Dear Nikki, What a tough place to be. You must feel pretty left out. I know you don’t want to hear this but your Mom is probably scared to death. A lovely, young, teenage girl enters a mine field when she starts socializing in the pre-adult arena, (you said older guys are going to be there). Your Mom wants you to live to tell the tale, so to speak and not be one of the millions of catastrophies that occur every year to young girls. A cell phone feels super-safe to you, and she knows that you might not get to use it or she might not be able to get to you in time. It’s about protective love. Please listen. Blessings, Luise
Dear Luise,
My mother is absolutely unbearable. She constantly looks for things to yell at me for. She acts like its my responsibility to take care of all three of my brothers and she is terrible to my boyfriend. A few years ago things got so bad that because of her I almost took my own life. God saved me there and things got a little better. Things have gotten bad again. She complains about everything,I can never make her happy. I try to be the good daughter, I get good grades, I have good friends that she likes,I clean and help around the house, I run my brothers to and from practices and to their friends houses, and I try hard to follow all of her rules. Still its not enough. I can’t talk to her because she never listens. Everytime I try to talk to her she yells at me more. I try to avoid her and I get yelled at for having an “attitude”. When I try to defend myself she calls me smartalek and tells me that i should shut up. Nothing I do can make her happy. Its gotten so I am now counting the days until I can go off to college. I keep thinking that by next fall things will get better because I won’t have to deal with her any more. What should I do?
Answer: Dear Erin: Hang in there. Stick it out. Put up with it. Endure. That’s because there’s nothing else you can do. Mark each day off on your mental calendar and know that life is going to open up for you in the most unbelievable ways. I have no idea why it is but some people get all of the hard stuff first followed by having their dreams come true and others get a free ride to start with and then hit the bumpy road. You are doing everything right. It’s not you. Accept that your Mom is how she is and don’t waste your energy in trying to change her outlook. Don’t even try to figure her out. Put your efforts into doing the best you can in a nearly impossible situation. (Nearly, not totally.) Later on in life, you will use these lessons to great advantage. I’m in your corner! Blessings, Luise
dear Luise,
Okay i cant stand my mom! i mean i love her and stuff but i dont get her!! i want her to kick me out cuz i want to live my own life! i hate how she is always like “the answer is no because i said so” or “ur only 14! you have no choice, i control u” and those are actually her exact words! i want some freedom. i want to be able to prove to her that if she let me do watever i wanted then i could do better in school and i would be so much happier! i have been diagnosed with severe clinical depression, adhd, ocd, and anxiety. i cant take the helplessness i feel every day! and she also tries to cure everything with therapy or punishment, like she can change the way i feel by grounding me. i dont get why when she gets angry its normal but when i get angry i have a mental issue or im jsut being mean and need to be punished! i jsut dont get it. why cant she just back off??
Answer: Dear Emily: Your situation needs serious, professional attention. It’s way past my experience. Talk to your therapist and get some support. It’s not all you and it’s not all your mom. It’s a tangle of both. Blessings, Luise
Dear Luise, My mom can be a real bit** most of the time, she argues with me about stupid sh**, like this one time. ok i leave my bed messy and like scrunched up because my little dog loves it that way so that she can cuddle in the covers. besides my bed doesn’t look like crap because I’m a very neat person. so she goes “Beverly make your bed” i tell her why i leave it that way and she comes out with her stern voice “fix your bed” i asked why and i told her again y it was that way and say that it’s not your bed it has nothing to do with you, you don’t sleep in here so why do i have to fix it. so since she’s the mom she says it one more time and I’m like you know what fine. i really don’t get that sh** , i really don’t how the fu** you going to sit there and argue with me about some stupid sh**. she always want to argue. i swear moms take it to far, just because they’re older. oh and yeah because they’re your mom. you know what that makes them real hypocrites because they say “treat people the way you want to be treated.” that saying is so stupid. i learned it’s “treat people the way they treat you.” she pisses me off almost every freakin’ day its not even funny. i told her, she thought i was playing but i said that when i get older I’m going to hit her, just because she wants to hit people, I’m going to hit her back when i decide to go crazy one day from her stupid ass actions, i swear man when i turn 17 i think i just might go crazy. I’m 15 rite now and you know what i cant wait to lash out on her and go crazy. and if she want to fight sh** we sure as he** will fight. she better not give me that stupid ass saying again. if you’re not going to live up to the saying, please don’t dish that stupid sh**. Sorry this is so long but i typed cause i saw other girls you kind of give good advice.
Hi, I am in my early 40′s and I have had a rotten relationship with my mother my whole life. She never liked me and has made that clear time and time again. She left my sisters and I when I was 11 the youngest of 3. She ran away with one of her boyfriends. She married him after he forced himself on me. I told her and she said I was a slut…long story but she blamed me. Anyway, I always tried to make my relationship work with her, but everything always ended in it being my fault. This summer I took my girls out to visit my sister in Washington state. The trip was one of the worst trips I ever went on. My husband and I were planning on divorcing, so I need to get away for some emotional support from my family, which I didn’t get. I was treated like crap from my sister. Then my mother flew out to see my daughters and I, and she made things so much worse. For years my mother and sister told me to leave him. Then they told me to stay. I was told I am a crappy mom and that I don’t do anything right in raising them. Needless to say, my girls and I couldn’t wait to get away from them and get home. I haven’t spoken to my sister in 5 months. I got 4 really mean e-mails from my mother stating that I am stupid and with all my education I wasted my money and that my kids should be in a foster home, because I suck at parenting. My kids are good kids, they have good grades and are in sports. My son, who is 16 is an honor student and top in his power machinics class, but like I said, she has abused me all my life, telling me she should have had in abortion. Now my sister who I was really close with doesn’t talk to me. I just want advise in letting them go.
Answer: Dear Lynn: You know that you have done a very good job raising your kids. They are proof of that. You also know that your mom, for whatever reason, wasn’t. It’s time to seek support someplace else. The dynamics in your dysfunctional family are still alive and well and you just don’t need that. Some churches have counseling and support groups. And of course there are other places to go. The point is you are going through a very tough time at present and need advocates…people who will listen and who care. Don’t respond to the poison emails and don’t respond to the silence. My guess is that your mother and sister are both jealous of you. Build an extended family elsewhere,in a clinic or a church or a neighborhood. Blessings, Luise
Okay, so my mom doesn’t want me happpy. I cant talk to her. Its about my boyfriend. She thinks he’s too old
but he isnt. He is so sweet to me. He’s 18 and I’m 16. She just UHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I never get to do anything, really.
Answer: Dear A.: It is so hard. Your mom buys the groceries and pays the bills. That’s just how it is. She makes up the rules and you get to follow them. I have no idea why your guy looks like poison to her but I do know she probably wants the best for you and may think he’s not it. Your choice, right? Well, maybe in a perfect world. If you can’t talk and you can’t neotiate you will just need to wait it out. If he’s really a serious mistake, you will eventually find that out, once you are footloose and fancy-free.
BLessings, Luise
I am so mad at my mom right now! She WILL not get off her fat you know what to take ME shopping! I feel so mad, I am burning up with anger inside!
ALL she wants to do is watch a STUPID, BORING Volcano movie and that’s it!
Dear Luise: My mom been blamen me for her baby daddy mess she yells at me when shes talkin to my i ignore her then she exspect me to do 3 things at once i said im not doing it the she yellled at me then i yelled at her i been thinkin bout runing away. this one day her baby daddy was messin with me and i told him to leave me alone then he wouldnt so i told him to leave me alone cuz i told u two times but u dont listen. my mom said thats wat u get. M.
Dear M.: I know it isn’t fair and they aren’t listening to you. However, yelling back makes it worse and running away could cost you your life. Do the best you can and learn what you can from it. That is no way to treat a person and you deserve so much better. When can you leave, legally…make sure that you make better choices than you mom has. Blessings, Luise
Dear Luise, mi mom is soooooo annoying!!!! I mean come on she is ALWAYS bossing me aroud and telling me 2 get stuff when she can get it her self. and her boyfriend? Ugh i HATE him. I mean he doesent do anything to me but searisoly? Doing it in ur room with the door closed when you have 2 kids in the house? and you think we cant hear anything?? And she never lest me do ANYHING> like when i want 2 go 2 the skating rink on Fridays, she will b like ” its 2 dangorous” and “u r only 12 and it nitetime” but when i go with my frens im perfectly fine! and shes always telling me how my room should look. Well its not ur room,u dontlive in it. So y r u telling me how to have my room! shes just awful most of the time! Im srry if its all mushed up i jst needed some one 2 tel that 2 J.
What a mess. Your mother is setting a really bad example and then criticizing you when you are a good kid. Stay out from under her feet and don’t make her mad as much as possible. Clean your room and keep it that way because it’s her house and she thinks you need to learn to be neat and organized. (It’s actually a good idea.) And do the best you can until you can get the heck out of there. When you grown up and leave…and you will…remember this stuff and try to give your kids a better shake. You can rant here any time you need to. Blessings, Luise
Dear Luise: I know my mom cares and everything, but sometimes she just doesn’t give me my space. Lately, things haven’t been going well between us because of some trouble I caused. You see, I tried sneaking out because all my friends talk about how fun it is, and I didn’t think it would be dangerous because we live in a small town. Besides, it’s not like we did anything bad, we went for a walk, there were no drugs or any alcohol or anything bad like that. This was a while back (about 6 months) and she only recently found out about it. She’s been giving me so much trouble because she thinks my friend’s are influencing me, and she’s trying to keep me inside as much as possible. She only lets me hang out with this one girl, who is actually a really bad influence compared to all the other people my mom thinks are horrible, but my mom doesn’t know that and she says she “doesn’t want to hear it” when I try to explain to her. And she’s always forcing me to do things without giving me reasons why I should!! Like today, the first day of the weekend, she forced me to go to the market with her when I told her I didn’t want to go. I told her to give me a reason why she wanted me to go with her and all she said was ” go get dressed”. I tried like 10 times, and she still ignored me. So I can understand that there are some trust issues and that she just wants to protect me and be a good mom, BUT I HAVE THE RIGHT TO KNOW WHY SHE WANTS ME TO DO THINGS. She can’t just ignore me, because that makes me want to disobey her even more! Oh and she always hangs up on me when I call her to ask if I can go somewhere. Please help, or I think I’m just going to jump from my balcony. S
That’s the tough part. You don’t have any rights. You are a dependent child and you can be told what to do by a parent without any explanation being required. I would be really careful not to sneak out again. It’s only making things worse. (And so would jumping off a balcony.)