Breaking Up Looks Really Horrible
Question: Dear Luise: I have a really weird question to ask now that I’ve seen close-up that breaking up looks really horrible. I don’t even have a boyfriend yet and already the idea of breaking up scares me to death. My best friend just went through the most deadly experience. I honestly thought it was going to make her really sick. She was so much in love and her guy just decided he wanted someone else. She didn’t do anything to cause it to happen that I could see, but she sure paid a big price for loving him. I don’t think I could stand the pain she’s in. She’s still totally broken up about the breakup. I’m scared to even think about caring about someone that much. Can you help me with this? Jo
Answer: Dear Jo: Very, very few of us fall in love with the guy we are going to spend the rest of our lives with the first time around…or even the 10th. Breakups are part of putting yourself out there and learning through experience.
A guy can look like “the one” and not be. You can look like “the one” to a guy and not be. That said, you might be wise to hold back a bit and learn from watching others. There’s no hurry…is there? You may also be wise not to let yourself fall head over heels in love without knowing the person you are falling for very well. We can idealize and romanticize and be way off the mark regarding the real person.
A very good way to enter into all of this is to cultivate some guy-friends. Can you just hang out with some guys who like what you like, study what you study or go where you go? Sometimes solid friendships can teach you a lot about interacting with the opposite sex in a mature way. Solid friendships can also turn into solid romances.
The last thing I would like to suggest you think about is the fact that not everyone reacts to a breakup the way your girlfriend did. We are all different. She was apparently shocked and terribly disappointed. But if you look at it another way, who would want to get in much deeper with a guy who was that thoughtless and unreliable? Isn’t it possible that a breakup could be a relief in such circumstances?
Dread and fear can really mess you up. Remember that your life is your own and you’re unique. You won’t necessarily have the same experience your friend did and it may not be true for you that breaking up is all that horrible. Start at the beginning and let life unfold. Don’t get stuck with endings before you even step up to the plate. Blessings, Luise
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