Question: Dear Luise: I’m having a little heartache over my son having very little to do with me and I truly believe it’s due to the influence of his wife. They have been married a little over a year. It all started when he was about to go to Afghanistan last year. I told him that they should wait until he got back from there to get married…needless to say they went ahead and tied the knot and here we are. I just don’t like the girl. She is a troube-maker and I strongly feel like she loves to stir up crap, especially between me and my son. She tried desperately to turn my youngest son against me also. She is very controlling and very manipulative. I see right through her games and I think she knows it. I have tried my best to give her the benefit of the doubt but somehow she always seems to blow that out of the water. My son has a beautiful little girl whom I have been keeping for the last 3 weeks, he hardly has anything to do with her and she acts like she wants nothing to do with him. I love him very much and wish he could see what I see. This wife of his is the one who caused him to not go to Afghanistan, saying she was pregnant with cervical cancer. Turns out she never had it. While he was in for training she cheated on him with her daughter’s daddy. My son forgave her and just thinks she’s the best darn thing that ever happened to him. I know I cannot divorce them but sure wish I could. She is a snake in the grass and a thorn in my side. I’ve read other posts on your site and I’ve seen where you would tell others that they just need to let it go. I guess that’s what I need to do to in hopes that one day he will come to me. He’s 23 and his wife is 21. They are youngand very immature and that’s what I tell myself. Thanks for listening. J.
Answer: Dear J.: Please come over to www.WiseWomenUnite.com, my Web-forum for women with issues with adult children and extended families where you will be able to meet and dialogue with other moms with similar issues. We raise our children and then we are done. What trips most of us up, me included, are the expectations we have around our adult children. Our expectations are about us, not them and we can get stuck trying to make sense of the senseless. What’s fair doesn’t factor into it. It sounds like your son can forgive his wife but not her little girl. That is so sad.
Our adult children get to make their own choices, including a spouse, and they get to learn as they go…or not. It’s no longer our business. After having every move they made be our business for the first two decades of their lives, this is pretty hard for most of us to get. Some adult children stay closely connected and respectful and marry rationally…many don’t. Our part is done. We gave it our best shot; beyond that is the fact that we were whole before we became parents and we can be whole again. You deserve so much better. It’s time to give it to your self. Blessings, Luise