Can a Sexless Relationship Work?

Question: Dear Luise: I have let myself get backed into a corner. I don’t know what to do about it and I’m feeling really sad and angry. I’m in a live-in relationship with a guy who doesn’t want sex. He did at first, but after a few months, he simply stopped. Years have passed and nothing has changed. He won’t consider counseling and I can’t seem to accept this. I miss sexual expression. He says he loves me, and he’s the perfect man for me in every other way, full of humor and caring, but that doesn’t fix it. How do I move past this or move out? I’m so weary of sitting on the fence. It feels awful! Sincerely, Eleanor

Answer: Dear Eleanor: Thank you for bringing your question to my web site. It’s a tough one to deal with and not as uncommon as you might think. People just don’t often talk about it. Mr. Cool may say he loves you, but the proof is in his actions, not what he says. If not, certainly in his definition of love. He came into the relationship under false pretenses, offering you a full life, and then discontinued a major facet of your mutual expression. He apparently didn’t discuss it with you before hand, which would have allowed you to make a choice. You were never asked if you wanted to be a close “friend” or compatible “roommate”. He was patently dishonest. Also, it doesn’t sound like he has wanted to talk about it afterwards. He is, in taking care of himself and his needs, totally discounting yours. He is choosing not to notice how rejected you feel and the hopelessness that has probably settled over you. Years! That’s not healthy and you know it!

Mr.Cool may not want counseling but it might be helpful for you. You didn’t get to vote. See that very, very clearly. Many relationships eventually settle down into a minor focus on sexual expression, but it’s there, always, as a “possibility”. You never got past the honeymoon…nothing “settled down”. Mr. Cool decreed. That doesn’t sound very loving…not really. You need some help in understanding why you have accepted his edict. Have you been living in hope? Are you afraid of being alone? Do you see half a relationship as better than none? What’s going on with you? That’s the issue here. He’s giving you the message that you aren’t OK. Staying may reflect that you agree. It’s time to get that you matter to you! Come to you own defense! Blessings, Luise

222 Responses to Can a Sexless Relationship Work?

  1. M. January 31, 2011 at 12:37 am #

    My story is very complicated, I’m not sure of anything anymore.
    We have been together three and a half years, I’m in my late 20’s and he’s in his mid 20’s.
    At first everything was great, then it changed after about a year. He started turning the lights out and then one day it just stopped.
    Its now been a year and 4 months, I try everything, and I mean everything, but nothing. I’ve tried talking about it, but he just says nows not the time, as always.
    Everything is there except that and I don’t understand, its making me feel unloved, useless, unattractive and I’ve become “dependent” because of this, he does not know, sadly enough.
    I’ve even told him if he’s not into me just to let me go, and I’ve even threatened to be with someone else, still nothing.
    Our relationship is great, but that, and I don’t know why.
    Guys are always tell me I’m beautiful, I get hit on daily, but I only want him. I just feel way too young for this and hate what I’ve become. Please tell me whats your opinion on this? M.

    • Luise January 31, 2011 at 12:23 pm #

      It’s over. I has been for some time. The fact that the rest of your relationship is OK is never going to balance it out. You deserve so much better. The problem ins his…don’t make it yours. Move on. Blessings, Luise

  2. T. March 1, 2011 at 10:07 pm #

    Dear Luise,
    My situation is this my son’s father is a good co-parent but our relationship has changed from since we moved in together. We went from having sex three times a week two rounds to two times a week one round then one time a week one round and finally now only when he’s in the mood. He says he has a lot going on but he watches porn by himself. I’m a size 6 which is smaller than my pre-pregnancy size. I admit that I’m not an emotional person towards him but I feel like he’s taken interest in someone else. My gut tells me this because of the changes in his actions towards me. We don’t go out anymore either. I want our relationship to work but I don’t see how it can work when sex is not a mutual reflection of our relationship.
    I need to have sex at least twice a week so my only options is to seek sex else where. I don’t like mind games and he seems to pull back on the sex when he wants me to listen to him. I don’t care to listen to him because I’m mad that I’m not having sex.
    I find myself thinking about another man often. I think about the way he used to touch me. I’m torn because our son is 7 months old so the adult thing would be to make it work so I can maintain my lifestyle. The man I’m thinking about is great in bed. He knows exactly how to please me without me saying a word. I need them both in my life to make up the perfect man. T.

    • Luise March 6, 2011 at 10:29 am #

      That isn’t going to work for long and I think you know it. You child’s father has a sex life. That’s what watching porn alone is. Move on and if the guy you referd to isn’t right…keep moving on. Your baby is not going to thrive being raised by an angry mom.

  3. A. March 6, 2011 at 9:28 am #

    Can a sexless marriage last.
    Married 43 years and 30 without sex. Years ago my husband just decided to stop what little sex we had.
    Were still together though the road has been rocky. Why we stayed together I don’t know. A.

  4. R. March 13, 2011 at 12:56 pm #

    I have been in a sexless relationship for over 2 years, I knew when we started the relationship that my partner had a low sex drive. And to start with I thought that we would deal with it, as they said that in previous relationships they have had a sexual relationship, we have started to have sex twice and each time I was told to stop and just go to sleep and didn’t want to talk about it. I have seen the computer history and the porn sites, so I know that there must be some sex drive. To start with we were close but now we sleep at opposite ends of the bed. Don’t hug, kiss hold hands or anything any more there is still love on my part but its no where near what it was it feels like we are just 2 people co existing in the same house. I have tried to talk about it but I get no response or if I do it’s that everything is fine. I don’t know what to do anymore, I don’t want to leave but I don’t know if staying is a good idea for either of us either. R.

    • Luise March 13, 2011 at 1:31 pm #

      It’s time to move on. You deserve a lot better. He prefers porn sex and there’s nothing you can do about that. Staying is going to do more harm than good.

      • L. October 16, 2012 at 8:27 am #

        I know exactly how you feel, I have been with my partner for just over 16 years. For the best part it was great, then he got a job away and I hardly saw him. He has now been back home a year, and our sex life is non existent. He also sleeps the other side of the bed, doesn’t hug me or show affection in any way. I feel totally worthless as a person. L.

  5. MC March 16, 2011 at 11:21 am #

    Wow, I am so surprised that my relationship situation is not as uncommon as I thought. I am stuck in a sexless relationship. My girlfriend and I are living together. Like everyone said, the beginning was really good, but then slowly sex stop. At first, she said it was because she wanted to preserve the new-ness of our sex, then it’s because she’s too tired, she just ate, she had a long day, she’s working early the next day, or maybe it’s me, I have a high sex drive, I am a sex freak until finally she said that she’s always had a very low sex drive.

    A lot of people don’t know how damaging a sexless relationship is until they’re in it. The insecurities it put on the relationship and the person it self. I’ve lost confidence in myself, I am sad all the time, I envy other happy couples, I don’t enjoy anything anymore.

    She clearly said that it’s her low sex drive, but she still love me and she still want to be with me. Every time we fight, she said she’d try to meet me in the middle, but that never happen. We’ve gone months without sex. I don’t want to bring it up and fight over and over again about the same thing. Can I blame her? I mean it’s not her fault. How can you fix something like that?? I don’t want to leave her, I love her very much and I can’t see myself with anyone else. But by staying I am just hurting myself.

    I need advice from anyone who’s been in a similar situation or is still in one. MC

    • Luise March 17, 2011 at 8:24 pm #

      MC, it’s a no-go. If you were going to be able to survive the torture and the fights you wouldn’t have written to me. Move on and rebuild your self-esteem. Some really great gal is going to come along that appreciates you. Don’t throw your life away. Blessings, Luise

  6. J. May 17, 2011 at 11:35 pm #

    Dear Luise,

    It’s comforting to know I’m not the only one in this type of situation. I just hit the one year mark with my boyfriend and it seems as though I am facing a sexless relationship. This guy spent the better part of five years pursuing me, suggesting being in a relationship, etc. After I did some healing on my own from previous disastrous relationships, I agreed to enter into one with him. We were hot and heavy for about the first week. After that, nada. Not even passionate kissing, although he does hug me a lot and tells me he loves me. He told me that sex is not that important to him and although I also have a low sex drive, I find that this complete lack of anything sexual is starting to affect me negatively. I know he’s not cheating, but he does satisfy himself instead via downloaded videos when I’m not around/still asleep.

    I feel like we’re glorified roommates. Now, he’s my best friend and we get along great, but other than that, I don’t feel like I’m even in a relationship. I have brought up the issue to him on several occasions but he shrugs it off, gets annoyed, and doesn’t want to talk about it. I think he has some hangups. Plus, he has told me that he has a foot fetish, but nothing he wants as far as that goes is remotely satisfying to me. In fact, I can’t stand it. I feel like the little attraction I did have towards him in the beginning is rapidly waning. I had more sex when I was single than I did in this relationship. I’d leave but a) I don’t want to break his heart and b) I moved halfway across the country to be with him and for now I’m stuck in an area where I don’t know too many people and don’t have the funds right now to relocate again (nor would I even know where to go next.)

    Just wondering what your take/suggestion would be. Again, he’s my best friend and a great guy, so I don’t mean to bash him, but this is not what I had in mind for a relationship, especially since he acted like he was so into me for so many years prior. He’s even started talking about marriage and a big part of me says “no” to that whole idea.

    Thanks in advance,
    J.

    • Luise May 18, 2011 at 6:28 pm #

      He did what he had to do to get you. And you are using each other, since you are staying for reasons of your own. He’s not going to change because it’s working for him. You probably aren’t going to change either and a lopsided relationship isn’t working for you. Get it out there in the open…and set it up as roommates until you can afford to move on or go back home. You deserve a lot better than that.

  7. K. May 18, 2011 at 9:02 pm #

    Dear Luise
    My partner and I live as a common-law couple. We’ve been together for 3 years now and have a 6 month old son. He was very passionate with me for the first year and then it just seemed to go away. By the time I was 7 months pregnant he had pretty much lost all desire. He loves me and finds me attractive still. He tells me he just doesn’t see the big deal over sex. Once a month or so he’ll allow it but it feels as if it’s just to keep me happy. When I try initiating other times he just says he’s sorry and pushes me away. Our relationship is perfect in every other way but i just can’t get past this point. We’re young – barely twenty- and I can’t help but think something’s wrong. We have endless amounts of kisses and cuddles but no passion. What can I do to fix things? K.

    • Luise May 25, 2011 at 11:02 am #

      You can’t fix his problem. You can either deny that part of yourself and seek inner peace instead of painful (natural) rejection or you can move on.

  8. R. May 25, 2011 at 10:48 am #

    Ive been with my boyfriend for 10 years now, we are amazing friends like everyone said just glorified roommates. We cuddle a lot give hugs, we just don’t kiss passionately or have sex, he treats me the same way as are cute little puppy dog. After communicating about it, he will initiate sex but its usually seems forced and he tries to get it over with as fast as possible or doesn’t finish at all and says he’s tired. when he’s with his friends he will comment about beautiful women saying they have a nice butt or something rather similar. it never bothered me before because he’s a guy and I was secure as a women and now i do get upset and he wonders why, he says it never bothered me before and I tell him that was before you stopped having sex with me. He tells me I shouldn’t get my self confidence just from him I need something of my own to feel gratified from life like a hobby. He’s good at making my feelings seem irrational just because im a girl and we dont make since half the time. I feel alone half the time and if I feel like this already whats the difference of actually being alone. we are not going get married or have kids so who cares, if he’s my friend im sure he always will be. R.

  9. K. May 27, 2011 at 10:35 am #

    Dear luise,
    I am in a sexless relationship with my boyfriend of over a year. He just turned 31 and I will be 26 next month. In the beginning I would come over to his house and he would wake me up with sex and then take me home. I felt cheap, I also know at the time he was having sex with other girls. No big deal because we had not become official. Then he told me he was falling in love with me, he has never felt this way before for any girl and wanted to be exclusive. I moved in after 2 months and we live very well together. Then out of left field he started to become paranoid with me getting pregnant (at the same time he told me he had to pay 20,000 for the tax on some account.) A month later I had a pregnancy scare and he told me that he would pay me 20,000 to get rid of it. I guess it was then that my mind put two and two together. Since then we never have sex. He claims it is because I am not on birth control so I went on birth control and we still don’t have sex. So I took it out because all it was doing was making me hormonal and fat. He then expressed to me that he wanted me to go back on it and for me to keep it in. So that is where I am at now. I am waiting for it to kick in he wants to wait 3 weeks. Here is the odd part, unlike most of the women here I do not care if we have sex or not. We have great passionate sex when we do but I can take it or leave it. I know he watches A LOT of porn. And I am okay with this. He meets every need I have and I love him so much. We cohabitate well and even like the same things. When we do fight (we have only fought twice in over a year due to stress in his life, he took it out on me.) And kicked me out. When he did the last time he was like you can still come over and hang out things will be pretty much the same thing because we will not have sex and be best friends. That hurt! But still I was okay with it. He is my best friend in the whole world and I love being with him with or without sex. I told him he can find someone to give it to him on the side and he became offended with my statement and thought I wanted someone else. SO I guess it a way people have to learn to live with this or move on. Why sacrifice your best friend and the chance of having an amazing relationship due to one missing aspect. I would rather be in a sexless relationship than a miserable one. I am sure that he is my soul mate. And in every relationship it is give take and in our case we both agree in this area. I guess I am not offended because he expresses his love in other ways that I find to be more appealing than him on top of me. He is always going out of his way to pleasure me with his kindness and love. We are both drinkers and drink A TON of wine and I am assuming this can contribute to our decreased libidos. Do you this could work long term? Looking forward to your feedback. Thanks. K.

    • Luise May 28, 2011 at 5:46 pm #

      If it works for you that’s all that matters. Blessings, Luise

  10. C. May 29, 2011 at 8:51 pm #

    My boyfriend of 3yrs and I used to have sex lots like 2 to 3 times a week without making love until last month I demaned to have sex so we did because I asked for sex. This month we didn’t have sex because that what he wanted from god,I mean its called adultery from god but other part is he’s interest in me being improved by listen good and communtion right then he would make love and sex with me what do u think? I told him no matter whatever he did and I always love him. C.

    • Luise May 30, 2011 at 2:46 pm #

      I hink he’s a loser and it’s time to move on. His excuses aren’t acceptable. You deserve better than that.

  11. L. June 21, 2011 at 5:21 am #

    I am 44 now and was in a long relationship for 17 years and three children – the day he said he wasnt much into kissing anymore I should have left. The time he said its not You , its me I should have left and the time he said that sex was for procreation I should have left! I assumed he was a guy without much sex drive only to find out years on that he was gay. Humour and shared thinking kept us together . Until you get out of a dead relationship then you cant see your way forward. We all only have one life and often think we love someone but youare wasting your time with someone who does not show it. My advice – dont waste your 30’s 40’s or 50’s feeling lonely when you are not alone. L.

    • D. July 30, 2012 at 6:21 pm #

      O M G, thank you so much for posting this. I am in a sexless relationship with my “boyfriend” of three years. Thank you–you just helped me make a much needed decision to accept this is over and move on and OUT. D.

  12. M. July 3, 2011 at 7:43 pm #

    I have been in a relationship for 2 1/2 years and was recently engaged. My fiancee was diagnosed with a disease that affects her joints for which there is no cure for. She takes medicine that totally decreases her sexual desire so I have found myself having sex, if I am lucky, one time a month. I am feeling anxiety and get upset when I ask for any type of intimacy and then I get rejected. Her words are, “you know the reasons why I can’t have sex.” I am in total love with her family but I can predict the outcome of our relationship whether it be prior to our wedding or a couple years after if it doesnt improve. I have no idea what to do. Do i go behind her back and cheat just to satisfy my needs or do i just break it off. I would feel so cold if I did this because I treat her like gold, thus the reason why her family loves me. I just turned 31 and she is 30. We don’t have any kids and with the medicine that she is on prevents her from getting pregnant. I can feel myself getting upset and getting quiet sometimes around her but I can’t seem to just tell her how I am really feeling. Please help. M.

    • Luise July 5, 2011 at 11:47 am #

      It isn’t going to work. You know it and so does she. You are a healthy, normal male and “knowing the reason” doesn’t fix anything. You may look heartless to her and to her family but you are seeking a wife, a normal sex life and a family. The person you need to consider here is yourself. Respecting yourself is also healthy and normal. She is breaking your heart…don’t take it upon yourself to see yourself as breaking hers and then dedicate the rest of your life to not being true to who you are. Blessings, Luise

  13. D. July 16, 2011 at 10:04 pm #

    I know sex is a lot of fun, but if that’s the only fault in a relationship, it seems odd to call it quits. He makes you laugh, she understands you, he cheats at monopoly when you get up to grab some potato chips. There can be so many great things outside of the sex, that are worth preserving, and I hate to see relationships ruined based on that. D.

  14. D. August 3, 2011 at 6:26 am #

    I was in a similar situation. It was a long distance relationship from the start and lasted close to two years. After the birth of our daughter (who’s now 9 months) he seemed to do a complete 360. We went from talking on the phone for hours, making love frequently, and goofing off like a couple of love sick kids to nothing. I wasn’t afraid to speak my mind to him and tell him that he no longer made me feel loved and attractive. He had nothing to say that beyond him telling me he still loved me and desired me. But I know actions speak louder then words so I broke it off with him. Foolishly I let my family talk me into trying to reconcile for the sake of our daughter. He’s a good man in principle… you know responsible, great father, takes care of his business, etc but who cares about that when I’m not happy. I hate that I asked him to come back… he said he’d think about it and let me know. But I know he’s not going to change. It’s like no matter what I say he doesn’t react. That bothers me and pisses me off. I should have went with my first mind and ended it because I know he’s not fulfilling my needs but I’ll always love him for giving me our daughter. Now I’m hanging in the wind waiting for him to take ME back… I’m such an idiot!D.

    • Luise August 7, 2011 at 8:58 am #

      You’re not an idiot…you have been undr pressure and it is really hard to go through such huge issues. You deserve better. You know that.

  15. K. August 21, 2011 at 7:55 pm #

    Hi Luise,
    I am in my early thirties . I have been married for about eight yrs now and I am in a totally sexless relationship. There was some passion to begin with but the day we got married it was like someone switched him off! we have talked about it and I am tired of the feeling that i am throwing myself at him. His usual excuses included being tired, stressed out or lately the fact that he actually had some surgical problem. well the surgery has been done but i do not really see hm making any advances at all. Of course none of the above excuses apply when he watches porn!I know I should leave him –i have been thinking of that for last eight years but I am also insecure enough to know that i am not going to find any one else.It was not like guys were running after me to begin with. looks are not a problem I am just not bold enough to walk up to strange guys and strangely enough I seem to intimidate men. whats your advice? K.

  16. U. August 22, 2011 at 8:49 pm #

    I am so glad I found this site. I am 36 years old and have been in 2 long term relationships in my life, the first was for 15 years with a very abusive man now the relationship I am in has been for almost 7 years. Sex in the beginning was almost daily for 2 years since then we are lucky to have sex once every 3 months he says he is interested but he can no longer perform (hes 36 also) he has been to a doctor and there is nothing physically worng with him, he tries but it is usually over on his part before it even begins. I feel so ugly and unattractive. We have a 4 year old son together and I have often thought of leaving but feel I cannot because of our son as he says he’ll fight me in court for him. He s a nice man but I am unsure if I can live like this much longer. He was in a previous relationship for 3 years when he was younger and was so hung up on her that he refused to be with anyone else for over 10 years waiting for her, she moved on shortly after they broke up and is happily married and has a child, I have had his family tell me he will never love anyone like he did her. He says he loves me but he never kisses me unless it is goodnight or goodbye other than that there is zero contact. I also have 3 children form my previous relationship and I just want to do what is best for my children, but I dont think that being depressed and unhappy and constantly suffering from severe anxiety attacks is good for them either which I think comes form having such low self-esteem. PLEASE HELP. U.

    • Luise August 23, 2011 at 10:56 am #

      Dear U.: You have to weigh your options and do what has to be done. Another person can’t tell you that you are unlovable. They can only tell you that they are so damaged that they cannot love. If you can get his limitations are not on purpose and he can’t do anything about them…and you can’t change any of it…you may get to acceptance. If not, you will have to move on. What he doesn an doesn’t do is about him. How you react and what you do about it is about you. The ball is in your court. Blessings, Luise

  17. U. August 22, 2011 at 9:03 pm #

    I must add and sorry this post is so long but I have to wonder if he is even lookin for a relationship at all or just a mother he nevr really left home until he moved in with me at 30 and he is just happy to go to work come home and have his dinner served to him and sleep thats it he does no “man” work my older son is expected to do it. Also we never really had a date we went to dinner once with another couple and when the bill came he never made a move I paid bc I was expected to pay for my own meal just didnt know I had to pay for his also. Thank you for letting me add more. U.

    • Luise August 23, 2011 at 11:02 am #

      You saw the handwriting on the wall and chose to ignore it. We are all inclined to do that. We want to imagine it will change…or that we can change it. Not so. You got a companion and a roommate and for many that’s enough and much better than struggling alone. However, if you are going to get stuck in the unfainess of it, you will take yourself down. None of us is perfect…and we are all doing our best no matter how that looks. Blessings, Luise

  18. A. August 26, 2011 at 9:29 pm #

    I’m really embaressed about my situation. I thought things would get better with our sex life but it never happened. Married 40 years and approx 30 years without sex or intimacy of any kind. He decided one day to just turn off any kind of inter connection with me. After months of trying to get answers he finally told me. First he wasn’t gay or into porn nor interested in any one else. He stated sex and intimacy is just useless interaction between male and female, he was never interested in any sex, it was boring, ment nothing, and way to much work for so little. I was depressed for years. Been without for so long, and I wouldn’t know what to do with it now. We live in the same house, he lives downstairs and I upstairs. A.

    • Luise August 27, 2011 at 8:02 am #

      There is absolutely nothing wrong with that point of view as long as you both agree. For one person to decide for two is where the issue lies. You still have the right to move out, not necessarily for sex but for self respect. It’s your call and if you decide to stay…that decision will put you in charge of your life. You let him take it over…time to take it back. Blessings, Luise

  19. J. September 8, 2011 at 11:11 pm #

    Hi,
    I feel embrassed, ashamed, alone, rejected and I’m at my wits end. I have been in a relationship with a fantastic guy for 11 years. He’s a great guy – the time of guy that everyone loves and wants to be around. To start with our relationship was normal but shortly after it all changed. There is no intimacy, no affection at all and there hasn’t been for at least 11 years. I’ve spoken to him about it and he gets very short with me. I’ve asked him to see a Dr and he said he would but never did. I’ve asked him to go to a Shrink – he refuses. I thought he was into porn, maybe even hookers or even gay. No he just says it’s not that important to him. He tells me I live in a fantasy land – it’s insulting.
    I’m tired to feeling like a friend/roommate/Mother for keeping up appearances. The longer this has gone on the deeper the I hurt. I can’t talk to anyone about it because I am so confused, ashamed and feel dirty, that I’m not worthy and everyone in my life thinks he’s the bees knees. I’m tried of being asked why we’re not married or don’t have kids. I feel like a failure.
    I want to move forward in my life and to do that I need to accept and understand why he treats me that way. I struggle with this because I don’t understand it. What is he punishing me for? Why am I not good enough at least if he would spit it out I could move on.
    I’ve stuck by him because I know who he is capable of and largely because I’m terrified of having to see him with someone else know that he is sharing that with someone else but he deprived me. I honestly don’t know if I could handle it.
    When hes with his friend he still make remarks about girls and he flirts with other girls and I see red because I just don’t understand.
    How can I move on when I have no understand or acceptance? How do I move forward without regrets? I love him but I expect more from him that he’s clairly able to give me or allow me.
    Any advice would be magic, Thanks. J.

    • Luise September 12, 2011 at 8:58 am #

      J – You move on because you deserve so much better and only you can give it to yourself. You let whoever comes next in his life have him and you know that she, too, will pretend all is well…just like you have. This isn’t about understanding “why”…it is about your survival as a whole, worthy, lovable person. Gather up your self-respect and move on. Give yourself the life you are capable of that he isn’t capable of. Love yourself.

  20. R.. September 16, 2011 at 7:38 am #

    Sorry, but sex is a very important part of a a relationship. Granted,n there are some couples where both are cool with no sex, but when one denies the other any sex, it’s a form of abuse.
    Here are your options-

    (1) Get used to never having sex again, things will never change

    (2) end the relationship

    (2) If you can’t have sex in this realtionship, get it outside of the realtionship. There are some couples where the one with no sex interest is okay with their partner having sex with someone else. Just be open about it. If they oppose this, then insist they start giving you sex, or threaten to end the relationship

    (3) have an afair without telling your partner

    My girlfriend of 4 years lost all interest in sex and refused to see a councellor. In the end I broke up with her because of that We clicked in all other areas though. Sex is as important in a realtionship as communication. How would you like a relationship where your partner never spoke to you? Most people would end it, and should do the same with a sex-resistant partner. R.

  21. M. October 25, 2011 at 12:43 am #

    I know my B-F has problem from day one, but as I don’t really have a serious relationship before and really want to get marry and have kids (I am just turning 40), I thought as long as he love me it’s fine; as all my girl friends said when the relationship continuing the sex will be less. But after one and a half year I know even less of sex is better than sex last less than 5 mins, less foreplay, or impotance. I consider myself without sex all the time, but I do love sex. I am in a situation that time is ticking for my ability to have kids and also I do like him more as time goes by, but I found myself depressing about this when I am by myself (if I am with him I will think less of this). Now he is my fiancee and I am so confuse about what I should do at this moment. I went to see theripist for it and the therpist said there is a way to make it happen but I never let him know how I feel about our sex life (he knows he has problem but he thought I am ok as I never really complant — as I know his problem from day one that i feel bad let him know I have problem with it afterward). M.

    • Luise October 27, 2011 at 8:17 pm #

      M – Being with the wrong person is lots worse than being alone. You need to move on. Blessings, Luise

  22. A. October 27, 2011 at 8:14 pm #

    I was living with a guy for a year. We had never had a physical relationship before we lived together or while we lived together but we considered each other boyfriend/girlfriend. He did not want a physical relationship but did not ever tell me that. He said he loved me but actions DO speak louder than words. I eventually moved out. I have to say leaving a relationship that had no physical component to it was the best thing I ever did. They always say if the guy you’re with isn’t willing, there’s always someone else who is. It’s true. Don’t waste your time. You will find someone else who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. I was so depressed living with that guy but didn’t realize it until I left. I hope all of you move on ASAP because life is too short to not spend it with someone who appreciates you. A.

  23. A. October 27, 2011 at 8:17 pm #

    Oh, another thing, I’m pretty sure 90% of the reasons for sexless relationships is the guy is perfectly content being lazy and gets his satisfaction from porn. It’s really sad. A.

  24. L. October 28, 2011 at 11:50 pm #

    I cant believe there are so many people out there with the same problem. My Fiancee and I have been together just short of 4yrs and living together for 3yrs. We’ve been engaged for the past 8 months and planning to be married soon. Last time we were intimate was the day he proposed to me, 8 months ago. I feel confused and scared that this is not the right thing to do. When I ask what the problem is he says that he is tired and over worked, which may be true since during the summer he works long hours. He tells me he loves me and will fix it but nothing ever changes. I feel embarrassed initiating now due to fear or rejection. I don’t know what to do, all I do know is that I don’t want to marry into this lifestyle. I am 32 and he is 37. We love each other dearly and would hate to break a wonderful relationship for something that can be fixed. I’ve talked to him about maybe separating as a solution to figure out what we want, but he declines and says things will get better. Like mentioned before, I love him dearly and I would never dream about cheating but have recently found myself being attracted to other men and cant help but to think he is feeling the same or even acting on it…but he again declines infidelity. L. Help!!!

    • Luise October 29, 2011 at 6:51 pm #

      L. – It isn’t going to work. If you were one of those women who found love without sex to be fulfilling, you wouldn’t be writing to me. Andi it isn’t going to change. Love isn’t enough. You need to face that and move on. We can love people that we can’t live with. You deserve so much better and if you marry to create the lifestyle you want, the price will be too high. It always is.

  25. L. October 30, 2011 at 2:19 am #

    I am 29 and my boyfriend is 54. We used to have sex few times every week. As soon as we moved in together it changed. I’m always the one that makes the first move. He says that he loves me and he wouldn’t be here if he didn’t. When I ask him what’s wrong he says nothing. When I tapproach him he likes it but when I mention sex he would rather watch tv. He always says “we don’t have to have sex all the time, we live together”. I just don’t get it. It makes me feel so rejected. Two months has passed and nothing. When we first started seeing each other he was so different. Always wanted me. L.

    • Luise October 30, 2011 at 7:30 pm #

      I really doesn’t matter how much you love each other or why he is the way he is, there is a very basic incompatibility. If it didn’t bother you, you wouldn’t have written your comment here. Wish him well and move on. It is only going to cause deeper and deeper hurt.

  26. K. November 2, 2011 at 1:34 am #

    Wow…I didn’t know that when I Google sexless relationship; I will get so many hits. I am a 41 years old woman and my boyfriend of 3 years is almost 50 years old. I want to have sex but he can’t perform. He is almost 50 years old but he has never had a real relationship before me. I knew that when I first met him but I thought things may change but 3 years goes by…nothing.
    He does not know how to kiss me. He does not know how to touch me. But he is really nice guy and we just purchase a house together.
    I don’t want to cheat on him but I am not sure what to do. I believe he has ED or other physical problem. However, he doesn’t want to talk about it and he will not act on it. K.

  27. P. November 3, 2011 at 7:32 pm #

    Hi,
    I am 28 and my boyfriend is 37. We have lived together for almost a year after having a long distance relationship for 6 years. We only have sex when he’s in the mood, we have sex probably 2 times a month and if lucky 3. It makes me really sad and I feel extremely rejected everytime I initiate sex and he says he’s too tired or sleepy. I’m trying to my hardest to stick around. I’m fit and attractive and when he rejects me I feel not loved ugly and takes my confidence level to an all low. I’ve cried many times and asked him why he’s so selfish and he just says there’s always something new I have to complain about. What do I do?

    • Luise November 18, 2011 at 12:23 pm #

      P. – You move on. It works for him and it doesn’t work for you. He isn’t going to change and you aren’t agoing to adapt…why should you? You deserve so much better.

  28. A. November 5, 2011 at 10:32 am #

    I am in the same boat as many of the readers of this… My boyfriend and I live together, he is 38 and i am 27. The relationship started out with plenty of sex, always exciting. Lately, I am the one initiating sex, but he is just not interested. We have had many fights about this, and this makes me feel bad about myself, because it seems like I have “a problem”.. I have told him out of anger, that he does not fulfill my needs (and he keeps on telling me to get someone else who can satisfy my needs)Is this a healthy relationship? We’ve been together for 6 years. HELP. A.

    • Luise November 17, 2011 at 12:58 pm #

      A. – You know it isn’t a healthy realionship, you know it isn’t your issue and you know you need to move on. You wrote to me for support. For what it’s worth to you, I agree with you completely. You deserve so much better. Blessings, Luise

  29. A. November 7, 2011 at 9:22 pm #

    I’ve read through a few of these, and I realize that I don’t have it nearly as bad as some people. My fiance and I have been together for three years, and our sex-life has been gradually decreasing. When we first started dating, it felt like I was everything to him, and he was always “rarin’ to go,” but now, I’m lucky if we have sex every two weeks.

    The difference I have, here, is that he’s told me “our chemistry is different,” and when I’ve told him how it hurts me to go so long without that special, intimate connection, he says, “it’s not something I can fix,” and that I’m “not a supermodel,” so I can’t expect him to lust after me.

    I’m at the breaking point, and I think I may need to move on. I love him, and he says he loves me, but it’s so hard to believe him when my needs aren’t being met. :( Thanks. A.

    • Luise November 11, 2011 at 10:55 pm #

      Well, hey…is he a supermodel? Yes, it’s time to get that you deserve so much better and move on. Your life is ahead of you and it’s a great, big, wonderful world out there. My take? Alone is better that what you have and I’m betting that’s not what happens to you.

    • Luise November 11, 2011 at 10:58 pm #

      A. – Hey, is he a supermodel? You deserve so much better…move on. You whole life is ahead of you and even being alone is better than what you have going on. And I bet you won’t be alone long.

  30. P. November 11, 2011 at 4:16 pm #

    I’m pregnant by my live in boyfriend and completely lonely. I cry all the time. He rarely ever kiss or hug me. Forget making out because I can’t even remember the last time we did that. We also rarely have sex and when we do it’s like he’s a million miles away. He says he loves me and is not cheating and just like the rest of these commenters he says it’s because he works so much and have a lot on his mind. I feel rejected and unloved. On days he doesn’t have to go in early he does because he says he has nothing else to do so he might as well make money.

    I had a car accident and my car is being repaired. As soon as I get it out I’m packing my bags and moving while he’s at work and never looking back. I won’t keep him from his unborn child but I’m going back to my homestate to start over. I deserve to be loved and I can’t settle any longer. P.

    • Luise November 11, 2011 at 10:28 pm #

      P. – Good for you! You are young and your whole life is ahead of you and you deserve so much better! Go for it!

  31. G. November 17, 2011 at 1:03 pm #

    I am an attractive, fit, 32 year old straight guy that has no interest in sex. Keep in mind that every man’s situation is different and I won’t bore you with my own story. The main issue here seems to be societal influence on our life expectations. People group up in couples because that is what is expected and has traditionally been, and by coupling I mean serious or casual, emotional or physical. I don’t deny that many people feel genuinely fulfilled (or believe they do) when engaged in a relationship with another person but, as evidenced from this thread and just about every couple I’ve ever met, that fulfillment does not necessarily mean enjoyment. It is simply the thrill of being part of the world’s Standard Operating Procedure, which makes people not have to feel like an outcast by being alone. When doing this, you now have another whole person’s dreams, fears, flaws, insecurities, sexual proclivities, etc. to worry about as well as your own. I find it odd that people are so obsessed with having their self worth defined by their sex appeal. It is important to understand yourself, which I feel almost no one does anymore. It is just a chaotic sea of people slowly spinning through life attaching to each other in hopes of finding the one thing that everyone is looking for, acceptance of self. The problem is that it has been happening for so long that no one seems to see what a tragedy it is. Looking for your identity, sexual or otherwise, from someone else is an exercise in futility. Until you break the cultural, religious, moral, and familial views about attaching to others, otherwise having an empty life, you will have an empty life singularly or in a plural context. Do you need sex because you like the physical feeling or do you like the emotional bond? Either option leaves you dependent on another person for fulfillment , which will ultimately lead to disappointment, either sporadic or perpetual. If you love someone and choose to share a portion of your life with them (however long) than you should accept them just the way they are and understand that they are not static beings, but capable of change (to your satisfaction or displeasure). If they do change and you are no longer happy, now your happiness depends on them changing back (long shot) and your life begins to deteriorate because you lose the identity that you’ve built for yourself by investing so much in this person. It’s very sad if you choose to stay unhappy whatever good reason you think you may have, usually dictated again by societal influence, but it is your fault not the other person’s. If you stay and are unhappy, it is your fault for staying, plain and simple. I’m sure everyone likes to think of their situation as complicated and unique, but it’s not. We all fall into patterns of humanity that are echoed throughout the billions of others we share this planet with. I will say that I am at least responsible and self aware enough to speak about my feelings openly. Friends and family know that I am a non-sexual being and I am therefore free of having to pretend and concede who I am, ultimately saving myself and others from being disappointed. It is quite liberating. My point was not to undervalue anyone’s situation, but simply to point out that we are not as unique as we may think and that trying to be a square peg in a round hole will ultimately lead to frustration and duress. The reasons that men may not want sex are limitless. In my case, it simply doesn’t do anything for me. An orgasm is a common and highly overrated sensation and I don’t gain an emotional connection from the act. In this sex consumed world I may be seen as a freak, but I, at least, am honest and content. That does not make me any less capable of loving or being loved. You cannot accept yourself if your seeking your self worth from someone else. So instead of worrying why your partner doesn’t want sex, ask yourself why you let it bother you so much? You can usually tell when you are loved and if frequency of sex is your only defining factor, then you probably aren’t. Good luck to all. G.

  32. B. November 20, 2011 at 6:49 am #

    Im in a very similair situation. Im 21 and by boyfriend is 24. when we first got together we had se whenever we could. When we moved in together it started to fizzle out. Now its months before we have sex again. Im currently in a 9 month drought.
    Ive contemplated cheating on him. I need to have that closeness to someone sex is a huge thing for me and i sincereley miss it. The thing is he wont talk about it. He just ignores the issue and changes the subject. I want him to see a doctor but he wont even consider it. Ive had every excuse from headaches to stress at work. i feel unwanted, un attractive and frankly like a live in house cleaner. And when we do eventually have sex its like he cant be bothered. theres no intimacy. Im seriousley contemplating leaving him. but i love him. This is a man who regardless of the issues wit our sex life i want to settle down and get married to and have children. Which is another reason why this concerns me. How are we supposed to have kids one day when we never have sex.
    Im at the end of my tether with it all now. Anyone have any suggestions? B.

    • Luise November 21, 2011 at 10:04 pm #

      B. – If you want to marry the guy and think that will work…I have nothing to say. Re-read your question. You have absolutely nothing to make a marriage and a home out of.

  33. G. November 20, 2011 at 6:51 am #

    in a very similair situation. Im 21 and by boyfriend is 24. when we first got together we had se whenever we could. When we moved in together it started to fizzle out. Now its months before we have sex again. Im currently in a 9 month drought.
    Ive contemplated cheating on him. I need to have that closeness to someone sex is a huge thing for me and i sincereley miss it. The thing is he wont talk about it. He just ignores the issue and changes the subject. I want him to see a doctor but he wont even consider it. Ive had every excuse from headaches to stress at work. i feel unwanted, un attractive and frankly like a live in house cleaner. And when we do eventually have sex its like he cant be bothered. theres no intimacy. Im seriousley contemplating leaving him. but i love him. This is a man who regardless of the issues wit our sex life i want to settle down and get married to and have children. Which is another reason why this concerns me. How are we supposed to have kids one day when we never have sex.
    Im at the end of my tether with it all now. Anyone have any suggestions?G.

    • Luise November 21, 2011 at 9:07 pm #

      G. – If that’s the kind of man you want to marry and be with for the rest of your life…heaven help you! That’s nuts. You deserve so much better!

  34. A. November 21, 2011 at 9:08 am #

    i really need a man who will love me without sex cos i know that marraige is honourabe when bed is undfiled. A.

  35. H. November 22, 2011 at 8:37 am #

    im 34 my fiancee is 22, we’ve been together for 2 yrs, at first the sex was great and plentiful, but then it gradually got less and less. she had a few bad bladder infections which dampened things but once she was better, it remained stagnant. she recently (5months ago) told me that intercourse hurts, after listening to her i did some research and came to the conclusion she possibly has “vulvar vestibulitis”, i found some clinics in the area that speciallized in just that. she was like that sounds exactly like what she has, but still hasnt even called to make an appointment. it is very fustrating to know that she wont even seek out the help. our sex life has just about completely stopped.she gets mad at me because i have resorted to watching porn. i love her so very much but am starting to think that her lack of effort towards getting medical treatment, is a sure fire sign that our sex life will never again be what it was or could be. am i wrong to feel that she is being selfish? my self esteem, confidence have diminished, i feel alone, and unwanted. and have started to fall into depression. Please help. Thanks. H.

    • Luise November 22, 2011 at 9:18 pm #

      H. – Move on. You can love someone dearly that you can’t live with. You are healthy enough to not want to resort to porn. Good for you. You deserve so much better. There is someone out there who will appreciate you fully. Blessings, Luise

  36. D. November 22, 2011 at 11:20 pm #

    Hi

    Like many others, my relationship started out fine. We got together 1.5 yrs ago at 21. We used to have sex once a say or multiple times in one day. We moved in together 6 months ago and the sex has basically dwindled down to once a week. I have been trying to spice things up, I initiate every encounter, etc. I have become depressed and very anxious. Things haven’t been changing, even though we talked about it. Now when I ask for sex and get rejected I feel very lonely and depressed. He says he is still very attracted to me but his sex drive has just decreased now that we live together. I feel very very lonely and I wanted to leave. Unfortunately, he is great in every other way and we do still have sex once a week. I feel silly for wanting to end things because of this. I have never been the one to push for sex. However, we don’t do all the cuddling and other lovey stuff that other people are talking about. I wonder if this is abnormal/normal. He says he can’t change his sex drive – I argue that I can’t change mine… Do you think I can fix this? I am seeking help from a psychiatrist for the depression… this coming week. He doesn’t watch porn and I have no reason to think he is cheating on me. I don’t know what to do. D.

    • Luise November 22, 2011 at 11:28 pm #

      D, – Move on. You are incompatable and a serious ralationship needs a better foundation. His sex drive was fine when you didn’t live together. Don’t try to fix it…it’s not your problem. You’re fine and you deserve a lot better. Blessings, Luise

  37. N. November 23, 2011 at 11:23 pm #

    Ive beem with my boyfriend for six years and after i had a baby we never had sex i have to litterally begg for five months everyday he gives me the run around” later later oh morning “now .. until we finally do it and he does very quick no kissimg nothing i beg for that ?if i never mentioned sex and begged for it we would.never do it years could pass and itd never happen because he doesnt initiate it because he doesnt want it.like he wouldnt even notice if we dont have swx for three years tjat is not normal.it really hurts.hes only 27 .he loved sex befpre i.got pregnant he watches porn i.does he expect ne to not cheat i feel like im. Allowed to now .we havent kissed for five years. N.

    • Luise November 28, 2011 at 10:05 pm #

      He isn’t going to change and cheating isn’t going to work for you. You’re a fine person and you deserve so much better. His love life is his porn. Get the heck out of there.

  38. B. November 29, 2011 at 3:09 pm #

    Luise,
    I have similar situation with my marriage and don’t think I need to detail it out but I do have a question. It seems like moving on (leave the partner) is the popular solution. Any other suggestions besides leaving? Why not try to fix it with counseling? B.

    • Luise Volta December 2, 2011 at 8:24 am #

      B. – If the person who is sexually disinterested wants to go to counseling, that’s a viable option. However, they are not the ones who write to me. The questions that appear here are from the partner who feels neglected. They have usually hit a wall involving their partner not wanted to seek help.

  39. M. November 30, 2011 at 10:52 pm #

    My boyfriend of approx one year has had the worst year of his life. I have known him for 5 years but we never dated until this past January, after his divorce was final. He was married to a woman for less than one year, then four months after that his father died. I believe him to be in a deep depression and that is totally understandable. Our sex life was amazing until his father went into the hospital. I can practically count on one hand the times we’ve had sex since. He has absolutely no drive what-so-ever. I am so hurt by this and trying really hard not to take it personal. It’s hard to go to bed every night with the man you love so deeply and he wants nothing to do with you. It has been 7 months since his father passed and december is the one year anniversary of his divorce. M.

  40. R. December 14, 2011 at 3:13 pm #

    Me and my husband has been married for approx 9 months, and together a total of about 2 years. Before we got married sex was ok, but not the greatest. Im 19 and hes 25. Since we have been married we have only had sex twice. I dont understand. I get hit on daily and everyone says im out of his league, but I love him. I try everything, but he says hes always tired, but as tired wise nothin has changed as it was before we got married for him to be tired all the time. I cook dinner for him when he comes home for work then he wants to watch tv for an hour and a half, then we go to bed watch tv for another 30 min and then its lights out. I try and talk to him about it and he doesnt want to talk, he usually ends of mad. Were still newlyweds and I just cant understand why our marriage is like this. I ask him if hes attracted to me and he says yeah, but I just dont know :( R.

    • Luise Volta December 18, 2011 at 11:43 am #

      R – You have a roommate, not a husband. If you were able to do that, you woldn’t be writing me. Move on. You deserve much better. He needs help and isn’t interested in getting it. It’s going to take you down if you stay. It’s possible to love someone you can’t live with.

  41. P. December 17, 2011 at 8:51 am #

    Hello I found reading your website very interesting, I am in a similar, yet slightly more odd situation.

    I love my girlfriend very much, and we hug and kiss and hold hands and are close all the time. We even lay naked in bed together which we both enjoy. However sex has always been on and off for us, this is mainly due to me not dealing very well with her past.

    Unfortunately she went through a stage of sleeping around with a lot of men, something I have never dealt with before. I was finding that after we had sex ourselves, I was beginning to feel very uneasy and depressed, almost instantly afterwards. I began pulling away and trying to avoid sex simply because of the negativity I felt afterwards. It’s at the point now, where I actually feel so good, and proud when we get through a night without sexual contact.

    We have been together for 2 years, and it’s now been 5 weeks since we had sex. I have no intention of returning to sexual activity, although I’ve said that before and lapsed.

    We love each other very much, and I want to stay with her not having sex, rather than to be in a relationship with someone else, having sex. I have told her if she has needs, she should leave me, but she won’t. I don’t want her to start resenting me… I have had therapy for this, although it helped me identify that the negative feelings I get are ‘bullies’ or ‘demons’ ultimately, it hasn’t helped.

    To sum up, I do not wish to have sex with my girlfriend, but at the same time I do not want it to drive me crazy thinking about it, or, to ruin our otherwise lovely relationship. Any ideas? Thank you. P.

    • Luise Volta December 18, 2011 at 11:32 am #

      P – It sounds to me like the relationship isn’t working for either of you. It probably isnt natural or healthy to try to ignore the effect it is having you both. You are wise to look closer. You have done your best to get past your issue but have only come as far as understanding it. It’s time to move on. Your girlfriend deserves a full relationship no matter what her past is. Unfortunately, you will be faced with the same thing in your next relationship because we all have sexual histories. If you meet someone who doesn’t, she may want you to be virginal as wel, and you aren’t. Perhaps further counceling will help you get past athe rest of it. The days of a virgin woman meeting up with a virgin man and havine sex for the first time with each other are past. I don’t mean it never happens…but I think when it does, other problems may be built into it and both partners may have serious sexual issues. That doesn’t make promiscuity “right” but it is part of our culture and we have to cope.

  42. K. January 18, 2012 at 8:40 pm #

    Please don’t judge me; it takes a lot for a person to actually admit to what’s really going on. We have been dating on and off for the past 11years, and together for the past 5years, and living together for the past 3 years, and I can honestly say in 2011 we had sex 5 times. He has cheated on me numerous of times, and even had other relationships but I always seem to forgive him and take him back, He says he is not attracted to me, because I have gain some weight. I’m not 300lbs or anything, but I do now have to extra weight in my mid-section. I have tried 3somes, and poly relationships, and he still doesn’t want me, he says he never even thinks about touching me sexually, we use to sleep in the same bed, but now we have separate rooms. I get angry when he talks about other girls, or look at them in a sexual manor, because deep down I wish he would look at me like that. I stress eat, and eat for lack of intimacy. He thinks being negative would make me want to work out and hit the gym but it only hurts worst. He does a lot of sexting, and masturbating to other woman and he thinks hes doing good now, because he is not actually sleeping with any of them, but he keeps in contact with old girlfriends, he has said negative things about me to some of these x girlfriends, things to make the other girls feel better, like he doesnt want me, or he is not attracted to me. he feels he has to throw me under the bus to make other girls feel better, and beleive his lies. . he treats me like a roommate. I look in the mirror sometimes, and I try to see what he sees, and I’m not this ugly monster that he makes me out to be. Guys hit on me all the time, but he wants nothing to do with me in that way. If I get my hair done, or buy a new outfit it’s like I’m invisible still. I have accepted him, and his extra lbs. throughout the years, and accepted his cheating because I feel it’s my fault he cheats because he is not attracted to me. So it’s like I’m giving him permission to sleep with other girls. I’m pretty much the bread winner, so maybe that’s why he feels he needs to put me down. I cry myself to sleep so many nights, because he is upstairs and I’m downstairs alone. I feel like a man. Like no one will ever want me now, I’m 31yo, and I feel damaged, useless, ugly, worthless, and ashamed. But when it comes to being just friends, talking, laughing, and hanging out. He is the best friend I have ever had. and I think that’s what I’m holding on to, the hopes that this will turn into something better, I love him dearly, even with all this I have said which make me think there is something wrong with me. How can I love someone that makes me feel worthless? I am scared of being alone, and starting over. Or seeing him be a better man to someone else, I wish he could just be a better man to me. We haven’t had sex since October of 2011; we are supposed to try therapy tomorrow. But I feel he only offered because he thinks I’m about to leave. Do he want me to stay, or do he just want me to stay and pay the bills. Omg, I feel like such a loser. idk what to do with myself, or where to start to pick up the pieces. Please help me. K.

    • Luise Volta January 20, 2012 at 8:02 pm #

      K. I would leave and then go into counseling. We can love someone we can’t live with. And if he is ever the man he could be with someone else…it will be because it is somone else. You deserve so much better. Get help and learn to give it to yourself. Blessings, Luise

  43. C. February 9, 2012 at 7:37 pm #

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now, We really love eachother but despite our close bond, there are certain things he just wont talk about. We moved in together after a year and by that time we had already been experiencing less sex. I figured it was because of our schedules and perhaps living together would fix that problem. In the beginning he always initiated sex each and every single time. Then it changed, he would complain about timing or being tired from work or the gym. Anyway then it stopped completely (I later found out after 2 years in, that he had no sex drive due to his use of steroids). I was in complete shock. I didnt sign up for this! He became perfect at everything else, I feel like hes trying to make up for it with other things. We are both in our early 30’s and I’m beginning to feel like I either need to be engaged or have a baby, but realistically its just because I feel so unfullfilled. I need something new. I just don’t ever want to regret these 3 years of my life and have nothing to show for in the end. He does absolutely nothing for me. And I dont want to tell a man what he needs to do, its common sense.
    I made him see a urologist and he has very low testosterone and has taken medication but still nothing has helped. The longest we were without sex for was 5 months. And now its been 2 months. He has all these speeches about how there are more important things than sex.
    I know deep down inside that if the roles were reversed he would have definately cheated on me. He keeps stalling and telling me to be patient because he’ll see another doctor. I see no productive action. Should I stay or should I go? C.

    • Luise Volta February 14, 2012 at 11:02 am #

      C. You already know the answer to that…and it isn’t having a child. (That would only complicate things further.) You deserve so much better. Sometimes we have to write our past off, even if it’s 3 years, as a learning curve and get on with life. Blessinga, Luise

  44. J. February 14, 2012 at 12:28 pm #

    Hi, I do not know if I should be writing on here but I have a similar issue..I am the guy in the opposite situatiuon..I’m completely and truly in love with my gf and we just had a beautiful baby girl 4 months ago…My entire life I was always pressured by guy peers and even girls that everything always was about sex, I got caught up in this almost my whole life..I’m 30 years old and have been in several relationships where I was used for sex, I mean I was told I was that good by many girls but I never really thought that deeply into it and I suppose I just got caught up in the hoopla..Sure it was great and fun, cmon right i’m suppose to be the guy so I should just wanna have sex 24/7 but I am not that shallow of a person..All I ever wanted from day one in dating is to be with someone I loved and to be loved in return but for some reason all it ever ended up was sex, sex, sex..Sex now sex tomorrow and the day after etc………..it just went on..I fell deeply in love with someone whom for three years used me for sex (Of course I couldn’t have known that then) then one day I just didn’t want to, then days went by and I still didn’t want to..Why? I kept asking myself because she was like gorgeous, I mean gorgeous..Finally we tried, I felt something and then I just went limp. This went on for a while until she left me for someone else..Since this happened I have had to try to have sex when my significant other wanted to, sometimes I could then sometimes I couldn’t..Either way I have to try to have sex??? I mean this is a guy saying I have to try, do you know what it feels like when I cannot, I feel like crap, like the world is ending..I have cried before because she felt like it was her fault and I felt like I was failing as a man..I keep telling her it is not, that I just do not really want to have sex or that i can’t..Even after having a daughter successfully I might add(she is mine, also) but it is still the same Issue..Why does life have to be just about sex, I mean species have sex just to have offspring so why isn’t it possible that maybe I just don’t wanna have sex..I am not depressed, I am happy as can be, I spend all my time with her loving nobody but her, we love our daughter more than anything but still she acts like were 18 and when we dont have sex then it must mean I hate her or I’m suppose to be then cheating or thinking about breaking up..I’m like wow we have a daughter and a wonderful family, I love them both more than anything and it’s like thats all that matters to her..It is sex not life, I feel I could get depressed because of sexual pressure..

    Ok so I do not know why i’m writing this, maybe it’s to give some other point of view that isn’t well this has to be some sort of counseling issue, or there is something wrong with you..It’s easy for someone else to say leave the guy but it’s much harder to look at a guy and see that maybe he really loves you and that maybe he is a guy just like me..If a guy gives you everything in the world you want and cherish then really what is sex on the importance scale..Well what do you want more? love or sex because to me they are two different things..Love is long lasting, something you can cherish till you die..What is sex? It is a physical process that is pleasuring and to give you offspring..My point is how long does sex last at the most or how long in life till even you cannot do it yourself anymore, when that happens you will wish you had someone that loved you for you and not sex..I’m not a pill person so I do not take pills for issues, like I refuse to take viagra just to have sex, it is unnatural and if my body doesn’t do it but once every six months then that is what it is..I have no problems with it and heck I never even get mad at anyone so what is my issue?? I do not think anything is wrong with me, I just got sick of sex being something that is all important, I beleive in the power of love and happiness..I often try to lookj at other cultures and other societies to see if there is a way of life that may coincide with how I am, Like is it ok to love someone and be in a happy relationship that doesn’t have to do with sex, i wanna raise my family and love my daughter..I do not want to live every day thinking I’m going to lose my daughter because she is going to leave me because of a thing like sex…

    To the first poster, I as a male of sound mind am sick of everything having to be about sex so I guess I too am looking for my own answers to the opposite question so what do you think of what a guy in the opposite place that loves his family is to do…If I cant have sex then I can’t have sex does that mean I love my gf any less or that she should leave me because of it…I would have nothing anymore, all that is good and wonderful in my life would be gone, where would I go from there? I have even looked into the writings of the dalai lama for help, to understand if it is possible to go through life loving everything and everyone, most especially my beloved without sex…Can you understand how it is to be in my shoes and to know that you may lose everything for the all important thing that is sex?

    What do I do? I do not know anymore, I am at the mercy of the one I love and she holds the key to whether I will be with my daughter every day anymore? Think about it. J.

    • Luise Volta February 14, 2012 at 12:54 pm #

      J. Thank you for your a very sincere and thought-provoking post. When I suggest that someone move on, it is because they can’t seem to find a way to accept the situation. It can be very distructive to feel somehow to blame, no matter how hard the partner tries to be reassuring, and worst of all, to keep trying to change it. And I agree about Viagra. Deaths from the side affects are getting more and more common. You have a very viable value system to my way of thinking…but/and it is yours. If your gf feels that her basic worth is in being sexually attractive…and her hormones agree…it isn’t necessarily that easy to work through. It is part of her idenity. Blessings, Luise

      • J. February 14, 2012 at 3:36 pm #

        Thanks, I appreciate that…You are right and I know it is really hard for her also, it pains me to see her like this and to be seemingly powerless to do anything to change it…I didn’t read all the posts but thought that it might be beneficial in this discussion for others to have a guys story from the opposite end of the table basically…( Food for thought, if a guy is not there mentally it is such a challenge to perform sexually and if he cannot it has the ability to make him worse) Like it does me

        After reading more you all seem to care so much and I wish all the best.

        Thank you Luise for the kind words. J.

  45. C. March 9, 2012 at 1:06 am #

    My situation is similar but different. And here I am searching the internet in the middle of the night. I knew the situation early on in the relationship–we clicked right away and had a great time together. I had just gotten out of a series of bad relationships and so I told him I wanted to take things slow. However, a month into seeing him I felt ready to move to the next level. It was when we tried, and things didn’t work, that he told me he’d been having some problems.

    When we talked about it initially, he told me that up until a year and a half ago, he’d never had this happen and that this was a recent development. And he told me about past girlfriends and sexual experiences.

    I expressed that as long as this was an issue, unfortunately, we had an inevitable expiration date–I wasn’t trying to be mean or threatening. Rather I wanted to be as honest with him as he had been with me. He said he understood and that he wanted to get to the bottom of all this. I agreed to wait it out and see if we could figure out what was going on.

    Since then he’d seen a specialist, had blood work done, seen others, but no one found anything to be wrong. We’ve been able to have sex a handful of times since then, and it’s not that he resists it at all, but I’m always the initiator (which makes sense given the situation) and sometimes I feel like he’s doing it just to do what he thinks I need. When we had been able to have sex, it hasn’t been good at all. The whole thing is cerebral and I lead it all while he seems to not know what to do. This isn’t the case with things other then intercourse, and he is incredibly loving and affectionate. He tells me he wants me and that he believes he is a sexual being and that he wishes to figure this out.

    However, it’s now been eight months and the situation has not improved. We keep an open dialogue about it, but again, I’m the one who brings it up, which makes me feel like a huge jerk.

    He has always been caring, understanding and loving towards me. Always affectionate, always expressive and as honest as he knew to be. I love him dearly and want nothing but the best for him, and I know he wants the same for me. But I don’t see how this is going to change. Our most recent discussion about it all revealed that he had really only had sex with two women before, both over a decade ago, and even then the experiences were kind of unreliable. One was during school, and the other during travel and they only saw each other a few times.

    I’m at a loss. He has become my best friend. We don’t fight about anything. Have never fought. Have always communicated honestly and openly, even brazenly, if you will. And in many ways I’m more satisfied in this relationship then others I’ve had.

    But I’m feeling my own self shutting down sexually and not wanting to initiate because it doesn’t feel fun anymore, but rather like I’m some matron schooling a virgin, or like I’m forcing him to do something he isn’t comfortable doing, but isn’t aware he’s uncomfortable with. I’ve said to him that perhaps it’s more an issue of desire than of there being anything wrong on a physical level but he doesn’t think that is the case. I can’t help but believe that it is though, because even when we are sexual I don’t get the feeling that he’s all that excited, even when we’ve been able to have sex I feel like he’s somewhere else, or far too present, observing me, rather than being immersed in the moment.

    So here I am. I am starting to forget what a normal sexual relationship feels like. And yet, I suppose I’m afraid to walk away and lose all the amazing things that this relationship does have which I’d never had before. And yet, I believe, partly because I’ve had him in my life, that there is someone out there somewhere who is just as loving and kind and wonderful but who also matches me on this level of sexual intimacy.

    I wish I could pin point what it is causing this… I mean what is happening, is it just ed? Is it asexuality? I wish I knew, and could change it, but can it ever? C.

    • Luise Volta March 17, 2012 at 5:35 pm #

      C. – I’m pretty sure you know the answer to your own question. You are nearing the experiatin date. It is how it is and no one has been able to figure it out or help him. He’s wonderful and that’s not enough for you. You have tried making it enough but the cost, personally, is too high. Blessings, Luise

      • C. March 17, 2012 at 11:55 pm #

        Dear Louise,

        Thank you for your thoughts… does it make me a bad person? That his wonderfulness isn’t enough for me? I suppose that’s more of a rhetorical question. I wish it was enough.C.

        • Luise Volta March 19, 2012 at 4:38 pm #

          C. – You have to be true to yourself. Blessings, Luise

  46. D. August 3, 2012 at 5:39 pm #

    hi my story is similar to all the above. I was a single mother of two who are now teens and i met a wonderful guy 5 yrs ago and weve been 2gether since. we bought a home 3 yrs ago and he is a great step dad.since the very beginning he lacked the need for sex and once i could remember on valentines day i wore a nice outfit and he barely looked , bt commented n need to wear that because i know what you look like under it all. For a living he does autopsies and has no emotional tendencies at all. I realized from observing his mother also has the same qualities and could not make her marriage work and his father married his (MY BF’S AUNT!). I have always had a great sex lfe with my ex and miss being able to express myself in that manner. He pushes me away at night and we are now once every other month if i am aggressive enugh to fight pass the pushes….did i say im 32 and hes 38! we are young. People ask are you guys getting married yet, but i cannot marry him. I have the most strongest urges to look elswhere for sex because i am just tired of begging i am beautiful and i know this and i feel like he is not listening to my plea of communicating better and the need for emotion bonding especially sexually. he pays a majority of the bills and my family says im stupid for thing about leaving…but what about me? its 5 years we dont travel, we dont cuddle, he can never say he loves me? and most of all i am being neglected. i cannot tell this to my family. my kids have bonded with him and i feel like the devil is on my shoulder saying just cheat and no one will know…but thats not me and i want to feel sexy and be sexual with my man, not someone in the street! at first i thought i was comparing him to my ex because he was the only man to meet my needs on all levels sexually and we communicated so well where as this guy has no urge to have sex for months. hes not cheating i know for sure and his joy is watching turner classic black n white old films allllll dayyy loooong? when i approach him in a very nice way of course he says oh well? what should i do i feel like saying i dont want this because i am aging so fast in this relationship but is that such a selfish thought and move when my kids are involved. there is no room for talking about it with him and i dont want to step out of this relationship but the lack of sex is so severe that i cannot imagine getting married and thats my dream to marry the man i love dearly. i thought a relationship was compromise and communicate….we never had that and now i am sleeping less and less with this thought on my mind……sorru for the rambling all the words in my mind are falling out and i cant keep up. thx for just listening. D.

    • Luise Volta August 4, 2012 at 2:09 pm #

      That’s simple but not easy, D. If it’s about money, stay….lots of people do and there’s nothing wrong with that if you are for sale. If it’s about integrity…pick up your self respect, dust it off and move on. It’s one or the other. Blessings, Luise

  47. R. August 8, 2012 at 9:30 pm #

    Hi Luise:
    I have been with a guy for 3 years; we are 50 & 51. I have been divorced for 6 years; he is my first relationship after the divorce. I was married for nearly 22 yrs. and sex with my ex was a turn off for the most part, for may reasons. Anyway this guy I’m with has been a bachelor all his life. Last relationship he had was 25- 30 years ago. Most of his time has been spent alone, driving over the road for the most part. When we started out, we had sex, but now nothing. I’m so done trying, that it does make you feel rejected, hurt, and sad. I have brought this up to him time and time again. He makes every excuse in the book. We do a lot of things together: i.e.; travel. taking short road trips, etc. He is great on a lot of accounts; makes me laught, yet everything to him is a joke. Takes nothing seriously. I have questioned and asked him to be honest about things. I think he is kind weird that he doesnt have that drive. Is it because of him being a loner? I might add that all 3 brothers still live at home with 87 yr mom, and never married and don’t have girlfriends? Weird?? He is the only one whom really branched out; has his own home, etc. But, what about me. I know he is immature to a degree, like the rest of his siblings. But this isn’t healthy. I have desires, and they are not met. Yet others are. What do you do. Being 50 isn’t easy to find just anyone. I have become dependent on him since I lost my job, making matter worse. I recognize all of this, but making the break is hard! I dont want to be alone, yet I am? Any suggestions? R.

    • Luise Volta August 9, 2012 at 9:30 pm #

      R – You were alone for years…and you can be alone again. If you stay because you don’t have a job you are selling youself short and your self respect, already at risk, is going to suffer further damage. You are observing pathology. You know that. Move on. You deserve so much better. I married again, after divorce, at 62 and if I hadn’t I would still have been OK. You will be, too. Blessings, Luise

  48. K. August 24, 2012 at 9:28 am #

    Dear Luise,

    My boyfriend and I of 3 years just got engaged and but I’m starting to have doubts if this is the right relationship for me. We waited over a year to have sex,(both of us we virgins at the time), when we did start having sex it wasn’t like we had sex all the time or anything, but it was frequent enough. It probably stopped after about 7 months in tho and started becoming very sporadic, like once every 3 months, once every 6 months, to absolutely nothing. He doesn’t even want to spend the night with me anymore. Over the past year I’ve become very depressed about it. It has really taken a toll on my self confidence and self-esteem. I’ve spoken with him about this and his reasoning is that he wants our relationship to be “pure.” He comes from a strict religious upbringing. However it isn’t just sex, intimacy in general is non-existent in out relationship anymore. I don’t understand why this has become a problem now when this was never an issue for the first year and a half of our relationship. It wouldn’t be so much of a problem if I knew that after we got married that things would be different. But what if things don’t change? I don’t want to be in a sexless marriage for the rest of my life. At the same time, he is my best friend, someone I can always depend on, and so much more to me. So should I just wait it out to see if things change and in the meantime focus on the good quality’s our relationship? Or should I give him somewhat of an ultimatum? thanks for your help! K.

    • Luise Volta August 26, 2012 at 8:10 pm #

      K – My take is move on. He is great best friend material. An ultimatum isn’t going to change him. He is how he is and you deserve so much better. You can’t force tenderness and touching and intimacey. Blessings, Luise

  49. R. November 4, 2012 at 8:29 am #

    I am 35 yrs old I am a proud mom of 3 boys and new grandmother of a beautiful baby girl, I have been living with my boyfriend almost 5 yrs been together a little over 5 years and i knew coming into this relationship that 1. he was a virgin (he was 38 when we started now he’s 43) and 2. he strongly wanted to wait for marriage. Although we are intimate in other ways meaning i pleasure his needs but not once has he even attempted to the same for me, sure maybe he doesn’t really know but trust me i’ve encouraged him to always communicate w/me. But every time i discuss these matters he says i know i know & everything will be alright. In the beginning that worked but after 5 years of feeling more and more inadequate like i can’t seem to be good enough or desirable enough that he’ll want me.I feel like now i’m trapped having my 2 youngest (8 & 10) develop a father son bond b/c their own was/is an alcoholic not in the picture. He’s a good man which is why i decided to have a relationship w/him, raising 2 boys that weren’t his all b/c his friend went to prison for like 30 yrs and had a pregnant girlfriend on their 2nd boy so he stepped in to play father figure which he remains to do so after 22 yrs. He never had a serious relationship b/c up til 8 yrs ago he took care of his dying mom he chose to put his life on hold then when she passed in 04 he said he was extremely lonely and when he felt he was on the verge of suicide from being alone he met me. He says that God gave me to him to save him. Sounds sweet but now i think he may have had his whole life to plan the right words but didn’t look at the bigger picture. I’m lost and oh i almost forgot that he used to call 800#’s and up until 2 and a half yrs ago when i looked at the cc statements i confronted him stating why in the world would he have to pay when the whole time he had me in his bed! Doesn’t make sense at all. R.

    • Luise Volta November 20, 2012 at 7:17 pm #

      R. No it doesn’t make sense and it probably never will. He has some serious issues that even he may not be aware of. You are, in a way, using each other but it doesn’t look to me like it is working for either of you. No one can save you but yourself. You deserve so much better. Blessings, Luise

  50. M. November 27, 2012 at 2:28 am #

    Im a 25 year old mom of three. This is my second marriage our relationship is great if i was looking at it as a room mate. I have had sex twice in the last 9 weeks and the last time i tried it was like pulling teeth. I go to bed early every night so i dont have to face eing denied it breaks my heart. We have talked i tried to get a book about fixing it he said he would work on it but thats where he left it. He hasnt made any attempts and im screaming in missery. I want to feel loved passionately. Ive tried to tell him id seek it from an alternative source i really need it but i think it would be harder for me to have sex without feelings when i have feelings for him and he just doesnt seem to care. Im starting to feel alone. I wake up every night in the middle of the night in disqust i dont even want to sleep beside the man that doesnt want to touch me… :( i feel our relationship is strong but i dont see how it will pull us through. The passionate hugs and kisses are not there and i need them i want to feel secure … I want to be his world.. Not just his friend/roommate. M.

    • Luise Volta November 27, 2012 at 11:37 am #

      He may not admit it, but his actions have shown that what you have is a roommate. His problems are very evident as is his unwillingness to address them. Some women can accept no intimacy in a relationship but most can’t. What you want and need is normal and healthy. You deserve better and moving on is the only option that I know of. My take is that he is how he is and you’re how you are. Facing that fact can be terribly painful but denying it by seeing it as a “strong relationship” is unrealistic, it seems to me. It is how it is; lopsided, unhealthy and destructive. Blessings, Luise

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