Question: Dear Luise: I have let myself get backed into a corner. I don’t know what to do about it and I’m feeling really sad and angry. I’m in a live-in relationship with a guy who doesn’t want sex. He did at first, but after a few months, he simply stopped. Years have passed and nothing has changed. He won’t consider counseling and I can’t seem to accept this. I miss sexual expression. He says he loves me, and he’s the perfect man for me in every other way, full of humor and caring, but that doesn’t fix it. How do I move past this or move out? I’m so weary of sitting on the fence. It feels awful! Sincerely, Eleanor
Answer: Dear Eleanor: Thank you for bringing your question to my web site. It’s a tough one to deal with and not as uncommon as you might think. People just don’t often talk about it. Mr. Cool may say he loves you, but the proof is in his actions, not what he says. If not, certainly in his definition of love. He came into the relationship under false pretenses, offering you a full life, and then discontinued a major facet of your mutual expression. He apparently didn’t discuss it with you before hand, which would have allowed you to make a choice. You were never asked if you wanted to be a close “friend” or compatible “roommate”. He was patently dishonest. Also, it doesn’t sound like he has wanted to talk about it afterwards. He is, in taking care of himself and his needs, totally discounting yours. He is choosing not to notice how rejected you feel and the hopelessness that has probably settled over you. Years! That’s not healthy and you know it!
Mr.Cool may not want counseling but it might be helpful for you. You didn’t get to vote. See that very, very clearly. Many relationships eventually settle down into a minor focus on sexual expression, but it’s there, always, as a “possibility”. You never got past the honeymoon…nothing “settled down”. Mr. Cool decreed. That doesn’t sound very loving…not really. You need some help in understanding why you have accepted his edict. Have you been living in hope? Are you afraid of being alone? Do you see half a relationship as better than none? What’s going on with you? That’s the issue here. He’s giving you the message that you aren’t OK. Staying may reflect that you agree. It’s time to get that you matter to you! Come to you own defense! Blessings, Luise
Answer: Dear M.: He sounds like a lovely, broken man and you sound like a healthy, helpful woman. That’s probably not going to work. You aren’t going to get what you need. Isn’t that the bottom line? Love him but don’t count on him, or plan a life with him. The price has already been too high and will porbably continue to get higher. Blessings, Luise
I have been in a sexless relationship 5 years. It bothers us some but we don’t seem to be attracted to each other. Outside of sex we are perfect together in every way. It’s not like a glorified friend or room mate. We are deeply in love and if either of us were to cheat on the other we would be very hurt.
I stay because to be honest I have had other relationships where the sex was great but they didn’t really get me or love me. I guess relationships are not all about sex and in the end. I feel I’d rather have someone there for me should I become ill later in life then just have some half-OK relationship with good sex.
Sometimes in this world we can’t have it all and thats fine. If you love the person stay, talk, work it out. If you don’t and you are very unhappy then you should look elsewhere if you can.
Sex is not the end all and be all of life. Love and sex really are different.
Something to think about: Quadriplegics in many cases can not have sex. But they like others get married. True love is a meeting of minds. Share your life, love, have fun.
On my death bed I doubt I will be thinking about how much sex we had. What I will think about is all the places we go , the laughs and our conversations.
Answr: Dear S.: Thank you so much for your very candid and heartfelt comment. Blessings, Luise
Wow. I did not know there were so many women on my shoes!I am 28, he is 40. Everything is perfect aside the fact we have not had sex in two years. I am pretty sure he is not seeing other women or that he is not gay, but I do not know what is going on; I wish I could understand because I love him and I will not cheat. But this has became so frustrating for me; because I cannot stop thinking I am not attractive, intelligent, pretty enough! Can anyone help me?
Answer: Dear A.: As far as I know, the hardest thing to pull off in such a situation is to get that it isn’t about you. It’s not about how attractive you are or how intelligent you are. What is being rejected is sexual intimacy…not you. To regain your balance, you need to be able to get that. Otherwise, you are going to be damaged by his limitations. It is possible to create a healthy relationship with an unhealthy person but you have to do all the work. Don’t count on him to make any contribution…he has a serious problem. If you can’t do that, your own self respectand health may suffer to the point where you cannot continue. We all need support and understanding. Can you find a way to give it to yourself so that his issues don’t add up to subtle and someitmes not so subtle)abuse? Blessings, Luise
Reading this site I was surprised there were so many out there that were in the same situation. I am 47 and still very much interested in sex. My relationship started of normal but after a year my partner announced that he didn’t want sex on a regular basis anymore. I didn’t know what to think of it and was shocked. I thought there was something wrong with me, I felt very rejected and my self esteem went right down the drain. He keeps telling me he loves me. He wants kissing and cuddling but nothing more and we just have sex maybe every 3 to 4 months. I think he does it just to keep me happy, although having sex 4 times a year doesn’t do much for me. You just have to be in the mood on that particular day or the opportunity has to wait again for another 3 months. It’s very frustrating and I am getting really resentful of him. I didn’t bargain for a friendship but that’s what I got. I love him but can’t help myself thinking of having sex elswhere. I am not really into that either, but when you get frustrated and desperate you start thinking all kinds of things. B.
Answer: Dear B.: Nothing is more difficult in a partnership than one person saying how it’s going to be and the other person not getting to vote. That said, people can have very deep and unaddressed fears and anxieties connected with sexual performance. They may be able to fake it for a while but there’s no way to maintain it. Parents, by direct threats or indirect behaviors that reflect an aversion toward sexual expression, can condition a child early on against it. Or a child can get caught when experimenting and be severely punished. Religion can create distortion. There are endless factors that can mess them up and affect them both consciously and unconsciously for the rest of their lives. Therapy can loom as threatening. Certainly calling it a “preference” is better for most than admitting terror and overwhelm. We are all broken in some ways…often in many ways. Some are easy to see and some are hidden deep within us. This isn’t about you but it feels like it is. It’s part of who he is. He can’t be someone he isn’t. He tried for a year. If you can love and respect him and yourself you can probably have a good life together. If you can’t, then anger is going to eat away at you and becoming unfaithful is just going to make it a great deal worse. Stay if being with him can be supportive and fulfilling for you with little or no sexual expression but go if it can’t. He is how he is and he is either right for you thee way he is or he isn’t. Not perfectly right, no one is, but as right as possible, all things considered. Blessings, Luise
Dear Luise: I am a 51 yearr-old male who suffers from erectile dysfunction. Due to many medications for arthritis, fibromyalgia, blood clots, atrial fibrulation, GERD, deep vein thrombosis and on and on… I not only cannot take any of the erectile drugs available, but am in great pain to even consider having sex. I’m surprised that you can’t come up with any positive aspects of a sexless relationship. I have several female companions who know of my situation, but they, like you feel there shoud be sex in a relationship. Not really sure if there is anyone out there for me anymore. I’ve dated a couple of women from my church, but when they found out I couldn’t perform, they dumped me. I haven’t dated for almost 3 years now. Just wondered if there was a dating/relationship service for people in my condition. Just wondering…K.
Dear K. You are in a different category than most of the people who are up against this issue. A lot of men and women have suffered emotional damage that has left them fearing sexual expression. They are able but not willing. You sound like you are willing but not able. I doubt if there is a website dating service specifically set up for people in your situation. There are, however, counselors trained to help you address the problem and offer alternatives. Almost all marriages, if the people live long enough, reach the situation you describe. That does not mean that they aren’t viable and loving relationships. The fact that you haven’t found a younger woman willing to focus elsewhere doesn’t mean there isn’t one out there. And there may be a way to present your situation online using a get acquainted site like: http://www.eharmony.com/
You probably need to also consider that many people can be overwhelmed by so much going on with you medically. Can you pass on going into that and focus on what else you are interested in and have to offer that is more positive? Blessings, Luise
I am a 24 year old female and I have many of the same feelings you have. I have been in this relationship a little over a year and things have changed sexually. Before we became offical and in the beginning, we had sex all the time. GREAT SEX! It then went to three times a week to now maybe once a week. I beleive that he loves me and I dont want to leave him but it really hurts to get rejected! I want to leave now rather than wait until things get worst but I just dont know what to do. I trully love him. We have talked about getting married and a future together. He said that he isn’t sexually attracted to me but that it was him and not me. He also said that he might be having these feelings because I am the only person he has ever had a faithful relationship with. Someone please help. Im confused and in need of something. M.
Dear M.: I have no idea what is going on and either do you. He probably doesn’t know himself. If he wants to stay with you, it’s his issue to unravel. Some poeple can have great sex only when it is temporary, superficial and in some way “forbidden.” If it becomes routine and “acceptable”, it stops. A counselor is probably what’s needed for him to get to the bottom of this and change. Blessings, Luise
I had no idea this was so widespread. I am in a relationship of 8 years, married for the last 2 and we’ve had no sexual encounter for the last 2-3 year. In fact we never had full blown sex, but did share sexual experiences earlier in the relationship.
He is the man for me. I could not love anyone more or find someone to love me more and we are perfectly matched personality wise.
We don’t really talk about it. We’ve discussed it occasionally (mostly when drunk) and we both say we want to, yet we never do. Whether it’s timing or mood, it just doesn’t happen.
Dear J. You sound like you are dealing with it. Good for you for being able to see that you have a lot of what matters most to both of you in your marriage and for adapting as much as possible. You might try talking about it sober and see how that goes. Blessings, Luise
Like most of you I had no idea there were so many people going through this. What suprised me the most was the young ages involved. I married at the age of 25 and enjoyed 17 years of happy, healthy, sex. My ex-husband and I explored and shared many types of sexual experiences. I’m now divorced (for reasons other than sexual nature), I’ve lived with my BF for 5 years. The first year was great including the sex. But the lack of sex for 4 years is devastating. I’ve had it both ways and I’ll tell you without a doubt no intimacy sucks. If your just looking for a friend or roommate it’s OK because that is all you’ll ever be. It shatters your self esteem and makes you doubt yourself and your relationship every minute, every day and anyone with any sense knows this not healthy. Any ideas on how to start over again at 47 years old?
Dear T. For some, a roommate is better than being alone. For others…looking is better than settling. We are all so different and our needs are correspondingly unique. For those who have experienced it, satisfactory sexual expression is a connection that many find they can’t duplicate. It expands life and the lack of it contracts life. Healthy partners are “out there.” You are still young. Blessings, Luise
I am so glad to know that I am not the only one in this predicament. When I met my now live in bf two years ago we were very sexual, and as soon as we got serious, it all stopped. He said he was never really into sex and I know it’s because he’s overweight now and might have ED. He wont discuss it and won’t get help for it. He’s given me free reign to cheat in the past and that doesn’t sit well with me. The other aspects of our relationship are fine. I feel like I am at 90% gratification rate, but I look at porn constantly now and have to satisfy myself. I have a high sex drive and he knew that going into the relationship. I on the other hand didn’t know that he had a low libido.
I feel invalidated as a woman, and totally understand what you are going through. I promised myself that by our two year anniversary if there was no change, I would end it. It’s only a few weeks away…I may just have to walk away from this. B.
It is so difficult to have a relationship that is off balance. Sexual expression smooths out the rough edges of life. It’s decision time…you’re right. Blessings, Luise
Hello,
I am 25 and my boyfriend whom I live with is 28. We had a turbulent beginning, I broke up with him once because I thought that I wanted to get back with my ex. I ended that and decided that I made a mistake and returned to my current boyfriend. We were together for a year before we moved in together, and for the first 8 months the sex was frequent and very satisfying. Then gradually the sex became less. And only happened when he initiated or we were in an exciting situation, like camping in the woods. We now probably have sex twice a month, and only on his watch. When I try to wear something sexy or start to make a move he’s like “come on baby, I’m tired, let’s do it tomorrow”, etc.etc. or he says if we do it to much we won’t have anything left for when we get married. I know he watches porn every week. I have a high sex drive and would be happy with 3 times a week. We cuddle, and have great conversation, but I do have emotional outbursts over this, and prone to anger and tears. Should i see a therapist first, cause I know I need to, then ask him to come along? What should I do if he doesn’t want to come? I enjoy sex tremendously within a loving relationship, and don’t want to cheat…but for me sex is important and I think it relieves stress. E.
Dear E. It doesn’t sound to me like you need to see a therapist and if he wanted to see one, he probably would have. What you have in your relationship, sexually, is what you have. I have no idea why your boyfriend is satisfied with twice-a-month-sex but that’s how it is. I also wonder if he doesn’t prefer the excitement and diversity of porn. If so, no wonder he’s tired…a fantasy sex life takes energy, too. You’re right, sex can reduce stress but it takes two to tango. You have a relationship that doesn’t work for you and he likes it the way it is. Base your decision on that. There’s little or no chance that it will ever be what you want again. That’s not what he wants. Blessings, Luise
Dear Luise: I’m 27 years old and my boyfriend is living with me temporarily. (He just moved so until he finds a place). He is a gentleman in every way. He cleans up the place, cooks me breakfast, and all those little sorts of things. However we haven’t been intimate since he moved in with me a month ago. Just like everyone elses post we cuddle and everything at night but no sex. He says he doesn’t want us to burn out and get bored. But I feel so unwanted and so unattractive when I know I am a lovely woman. Ive tried wearing the lingerie and all that but still no attention is paid to me. I feel so depressed. I dread going to bed at night because we have to lay next to each other and I know I will go to sleep unsatisfied. I’m starting to not feel the connection with him anymore. The hugs and kisses are routine and passionless. I find myself frequenting online social networks for someone to give me some attention. He gets mad when I bring it up, so I have retreated to my own solitude. I feel so empty on the inside. I long for the warmth of his touch, yet i get his cold shoulder. What am I to do? D.
Dear D. Sometimes early upbringing puts sexual activity in the “nasty” category and the only way men who have been conditioned that way can perform is in an illicit situation. Co-cohabiting openly with a respectable partner in a socially acceptable relationship stops desire. Most or all of that, of course, is on an unconscious level where a lot of men (and women too, of course)don’t want to go. There are tons of other hangups and that’s an over simplification but the point I’m trying to make is that it isn’t about you….and it isn’t yours to confront. Often the only way a sexless relationship works is when both people both feel that way. For you, it sounds like it is unnatural, demeaning and unhealthy. It may be wise to vote for yourself in this situation and then go where your self-respect takes you. Blessings, Luise
I am going through the same thing it seems like a lot of others are experiencing. I am 24 and my live in boyfriend is 33. We have been living together for just about a year now and have been together for almost 3 years. We have sex maybe once a month if that. I have never been the one to persue sex in my past relationships, I have actually been the one saying not today, or I’m too tired. So this is a different position I am. I have tired talking to him about it, but he gets really defensive and it turns into an argument. Lately I have just backed off from the subject completely until the other day I found some porn in his closet hidden away, it had receipts which showed it was purchased march and june of this year. It kind of hurt me cause my boyfriend won’t have sex with me, but watches porn. I brought this up to him, and he couldn’t understand why I was getting so upset about it. He says every man has porn, which is true for the most part, but then I replied with the porn isn’t the problem it’s the fact you won’t have sex with me. In the beginning of our relationship he couldn’t keep his hands off of me, he would email me at work to meet him in the parking lot. And then after a year everything changed. I beat myself up about this every day, I blame myself, I feel un attractive, hopeless, heartbroken and depressed. I try to understand he is going through some things, but I thought relationships were compromise. I feel like I am the only one compromising. What hurts the most is I am so in love with him, we are planning our dream wedding in hawaii. I don’t want to walk away, I want this problem to be fixed so badly. But he doesn’t think it is a problem he thinks that sex should not be part of a relationship’s foundation. I agree but then it shouldn’t have started out that way. I am hopeless in Seattle. T.
Dear T. Some people can live with such a situation and come can’t. Look at what it is costing you. Do you really want to sign up for a lifetime of living on a sexual desert? That’s how he is. He may be one of those people who only function well in a sexual framework that is outside of a respected, committed relationship. As in…sex is “bad” and you are not. That’s an oversimplification, of course, but it’s clear that he has issues. It’s also clear that he thinks he’s fine and isn’t going to seek help. So that’s the package. That’s how he is and that’s the man you love. I would strongly suggest that you respect the red flags and move on. You love him, but not a very important part of his makeup. And you’re the normal one, he isn’t. How can you ever make such an existence normal for you? Things aren’t going to change. they are only going to get worse. Blessings, Luise
Dear Luise: I’m a 28 year-old male and my girlfriend is 21. We been together 2 years. She suffers from depression and anxiety. At first it was great, but the stresses of life have driven her sex drive into the ground. I am there emotionally and physically. We live together and are starting to argue about sex more often. I have a higher sex drive than she dose, and I understand why I don’t get a lot of sex.. but its the sudden loss of it that worries me. She is trying to get help for her mental issues, and I’m being patient. I love her with all my heart, and I wane to see her get better. I want to know how to fix our sex issue. I’m confused and I feel she isn’t attracted to me anymore. She tells me she loves me and she is attracted to me but still will not have sex with me. Whats wrong is all I want to know. Thanks, F.
Dear F. Don’t look for logic…you aren’t going to find it. It’s very hard to be in a relationship with a person who is unable to meet your needs, at least long-term. There’s nothing you can do except wait and hope, because it’s her problem and she will resolve it if and when she can. She can only love within the structure of her limitations and you may decide that you deserve more than that. Blessings, Luise
Dear Luise: Please help. I am in a relationship, for almost a year now. At first, we had sex about 2-3 times a month…not very frequent for people in their twenties, but it was enough to not raise much alarm. However, as the months went by…it became less and less. I finally asked him what was wrong and he said that he just doesn’t have “that” urge anymore and that it’s not me…it’s happened with others too. While I have been trying not to dwell on it…it’s tearing me apart. I feel like I’m not good enough, or pretty enough to make him want me and I’ve never had self esteem issues before. I love him with all my heart. What do I do? J.
Dear J. You can’t do anything about the issue and he won’t do anything about it. That leaves it right in the middle of your failing relationship…like a dead elephant in the center of the living room that everyone is trying to ignore. It can’t be done. Loving him is great but living with him is the pits. You are young and healthy and sex is as normal as blueberry pie. Wish him well and move on. It’s about him but it is hurting you. Also, you may want to to to the “Sexuality” category on my site and read the comments regarding sexless relationships. You are not alone. Blessings, Luise
My comment was confusing I think…we have sex maybe once every two or three weeks at this point the last time we tried, which was around the middle of last month, it was a no go. Also, my birthday was on the 2nd and I attempted to kiss him while we were in our bedroom and both still dressed up from a nice dinner on the town and he giggled, telling me I am silly and pushing me away. I am an attractive girl, no doubt, I have never appreciated gawking or comments from men in the bars or while I’m out, however, I feel that I actually welcome outside attention at this point, it is just a little reminder that I am not repulsive….I am really torn, please help! A.
Dear A.: “Outside attention” often lowers self-esteem instead of raising it. Your experience on your birthday tells the whole story. Move on. Blessings, Luise
Wow, like many have commented, I had no idea that this problem existed for so many of us. I feel a little bit less lonely.
My fiance and I have been together for over three years and I was his first girlfriend (he had only had sex a couple of times before me, and he was 29). Our intimate relationship has been unsatisfying for me from the very start but I hung in there and tried everything I know how to teach him the basics – but he just doesn’t catch on. We love each other very much, but there is absolutely no sexual chemistry between us. When I asked him about going to therapy for the umpteenth time, he told me that he loves me and is attracted to me, but finds the of sex with me offensive. Of course I was in complete shock and asked how long this had been going and he said he’d felt that way since we’ve been together. I felt completely rejected, yet again, and have fallen into a depression that is now affecting other aspects of my life. I feel that he is deflecting the problem so that it becomes mine, not his, and yet he can’t understand why I can’t just get over it and move forward with our relationship. I have told him that I don’t know if I can be with him. We have our second therapy session tomorrow. I feel so lost because in every other way, we have a great relationship, but I feel so disconnected from him and feel like my patience has run out. Do you think that it’s too late at this point, and is it even possible to get over what he said and how he feels? D.
Dear D.: You may find that therapy offers you something. It’s probably too soon to tell. I think you are right on when you see him to be the one with the problem. Whether you want to try to deal with it or not is your call. I wouldn’t but that’s just because I feel that marriage can be difficult enough without stacking the deck. Loving someone never guarantees that you can live together successfully. Personally, I would see leaving the relationship as a sign of self-respect on your part. Blessings, Luise
Hi everybody, Apparently women are complaining more about a sexless relationship more than men do. Things are not as complicated as they seem: pretty much a woman can have sex if her mind is ready to. For men things are different: they have to want to have sex and they have TO BE PHYSICALLY ABLE. I am in a relationship and we have very little sex because I am available no more than 2-3 minutes. Isn’t that plain simple? The main difference is I also pleasure myself. What is she doing? I do not know. Maybe the little sex I provide her is enough. I do not know. She says she is deeply in love with me and I am the center of her life. I love her too but …I am not attracted to her anymore and that contributes my sexual weakness. I am extremely attractive, a perfect gentleman (or almost perfect), passionate about sports, reading new things, exploring nature and educated. Women like me and probably I would be able to get into an extramarital affair fairly easy. I just don’t want to. About her: incredible smart, highly educated but she had become incredible fat and so her body odor sometimes turns me off completely. Why can’t she just lose about 100 pounds? I know I would approach her more often. Why should she lose some weight? First for herself. Then for me: my previous girlfriend was very happy with me even though the sex was not the greatest; however it was supplemented with lots of other sexual options: Still, she wanted to play almost daily because it worked for both of us. But she was skinnier and ready to make things work. I could see shapes – not fat. My current girlfriend just stays in bed and watches TV while gaining more pounds.This is my case, ladies. I call it a sexless relationship even if we have sex on a weekly basis. T.
Dear T.: There are guys out there who don’t have your problem but are fearful or for some reason uninterested. Lots of variations. And you are right, the gals have a much easier time of it because performance isn’t so critical. Does your new girlfriend know how wonderful your former girlfriend was? I hope not. I can see what the weight might do regarding being attracted but/and she is probably also aware of your aversion. Thanks for sharing your situation with us. Blessings, Luise
I, too, have this problem. I do feel that if only I’m more attractive and look just a teeny tiny like porn stars, then maybe he’d want me. He told me that it isn’t the reason why. He said it’s because he spent his teenage years growing up in a strict Christian dormitory.. so it was always at the back of his head that sex is wrong and sinful.. that’s why he’s not interested in sex anymore. The problem is at the beginning of our 4-years relationship, he wasn’t like this. He looked at porn although he didn’t want to share with me in details about his sexual activities. But during this one year, he’s suddenly changed. He told me everytime he gave up into sex with me, he always felt very guilty and wrong after doing it. I told him that sex is wrong if he’s doing it for fun and it’s not wrong if it’s shared with someone he actually loves and cares about. But everytime we have that discussion, he refuses to see from my point of view and I’ll always end up feeling like I’m a horrible person/sinner for wanting to have sex…… Sometimes I consider of leaving, because I know in the long run it’d be a huge problem for me because I’ve always liked sex.. and my needs wouldn’t be met if I stay… but on the other side, I feel so silly and unreasonable for leaving a relationship because I don’t get enough sex, or the fact that he doesn’t like or not interested is sex as much as I do… I feel it’s wrong to leave him.. M.
Dear M. Everyone has a different idea of right and wrong. My take is that you are with the wrong guy. His ideas and preferences aren’t compatible with yours. This isn’t going to work for you and you can’t change him into a more normal, relaxed partner.
Wish him well and move on. Lots of relationships start out great but if the behavior of either or both partners isn’t what that person is used to, (and has come to prefer), he/she will eventually revert back to the old pattern.
You have nothing to feel guilty about, don’t let that become real for you. You’re fine. Go find a healthy, normal guy with a lusty sexual appetite to match yours. Blessings, Luise
Luise. That was obviously a narrow minded view. You pretty much blamed this guy and treated sex like the only “action” to account for to decide if he loves her. It could be many things. And personally, I’m a 22 year old good looking guy… and I would be happy with a woman who is physically incapable of sex for her entire life. Know why? Because love is deep… not just a fling. He might also be thinking higher, or maybe is unhappy with the emotional connection. Men have hearts too. It’s not all about our sex. Not all of us anyway. My mom didn’t have sex with her husband for two years because he couldn’t perform after a major heart attack. She is a beautiful cocktail waitress who looks 30 and could have a man in a heartbeat. She was frustrated, yes, but you know what… she would have stayed forever if the problem never left. Know why? Because she has a big heart. Not just hormones. And he’s the same about her. That’s a relationship worth looking up to. C.
You are absolutely right. There are people out there who think and feel like you do. Blessings, Luise
I am 34 year-old, attractive, caring, fun and successful female with a great loving husband. We were high school sweethearts. My husband I have talked about his non-existent sexual drive but nothing’s ever changed.
I had meaningless affairs several times with different men over the last 13 years just to feel that I’m still wanted. (I used to pretend in my head it was my husband but I no longer even do that after years of rejection.) It seems to be the way I keep my relationship with my husband strong because I can then focus on other things with him that makes us happy.
I can probably force him to make love to me; but that’s not what I want. All I want is to simply see him genuinely want me occasionally. Even once or twice a year and even if it doesn’t come to completion, it would validate that he finds me attractive. That’s all I ask for and I can live my life with him forever without ever considering looking at other men and live happily ever after. H.
Women who go through sexual rejection find it painful because it feels miserable when self-esteem is squashed. Often it’s not totally about sex. Women want to feel cherished, special and desirable. That’s pretty normal and when that’s missing, the loss can be felt deeply. I’m in that situation, sadly.
Dear luise
My Partner and I are both 43yrs old and met 13yrs ago. He was very keen to be with me and treated me so well and did nice romantic things that eventually convinced me to go ahead with the relationship, which was 13yrs ago. We both had been in long term relationships not long before we got together.
After a couple of year things started to fade in the bedroom front. He stopped getting close and it got to the stage around 7yrs ago sex became less and less until it was once every 6mths for a few years and then to no sex now for the past 2yrs 4mths. He had a couple of ops a few years ago, which were not related to any of this. Since then he just doesn’t come near me what so ever and says there is nothing wrong with him physically. He cant bare being near me, not even a cuddle in bed – nothing! Yet he wants me to act as though there is nothing wrong and to let the world see we are the perfect couple. He doesn’t go out anywhere for long enough to be having an affair and says he would never do that to me. He won’t talk about it and accuses me of being a trouble maker when I ask for answer to his bizarre behavior. I live my life in silence and I’m rotting away with self hate and no self esteem or confidence to move on. Instead I hide away from it. I need to find who I am again but don’t know where to start.
I would like to point out that, he is very thoughtful and very generous in other ways, which makes things harder I guess for me to get the backbone to go. I’m so lonely and so sick of these thoughts swirling around in my head 24/7 day and night it never stops.
Thanks for giving me the opportunity to get this off my chest. A.
Dear A. It is time for you to see a counselor. You can get it off your chest by posting it but you can’t resolve it here. When you get stuck in the “can’t stay/can’t go” impasse it can sap your energy and distort your life experience. There are consequences to either decision but I honestly think the consequences of inaction are even more serous. Blessings, Luise
Dear Luise: I am 23 years old and have been with my 39 year old boyfriend for about 3 1/2 years; we’ve also been living together for about 2 1/2 years. When our relationship first started we had sex all the time for the first year, then once a week, and now it’s once a month (and one time we didn’t have sex for 6 weeks). It’s been once a month for about a year, and I have made an issue of it all year long. He also started having problems performing about half the time. He promised me he would work out and everything would be fine. He worked out for three weeks and then gave up completely. I love him to death; he’s the love of my life but I feel like I’ve been single for a year and am now ready to see other people again (just for the sake of having sex). I have never looked better and guys are coming out of the woodwork to date me. We just moved into a new apartment and could possibly have a great life together, but I’m thinking of moving out or asking him to have an open relationship. I am in a lot of pain and I need help. What should I do? S.
Sarah
Dear S. Open relationships usually cause deeper problems. You just can’t stay and go at the same time. If your present situation works for him and it doesn’t work for you, then it isn’t a relationship…not really. Can you see that? It’s an impasse. Blessings, Luise
Hi, My boyfriend and I haven’t been together that long its been about 6 months. I’m 24 and he is 29 at first sex was great and there was a lot of it now its once a week and slowly getting less. This is killing me from the inside he tell me he loves me and cuddles me and is my best friend we do everything together. He knows there’s a problem. We talk about it a lot but it doesn’t change. He tells me he loves me so much and i believe him but he just doesn’t feel that sexual side anymore. He is attracted to me but not in a sexual way. He really wants it to work and get better but we don’t know how. This man is everything to me. Is there anyway he can get that feeling for me back or is it once its gone its gone? Please help. K.
Get into therapy. I think you have a very good chance of getting to the bottom of this and moving on into a mutually satisfactory relationship. Blessings, Luise
Dear Luise, I am in a sexless relationship. We started out having sex all the time but for the last year and a half it’s been like this. Every 6 weeks I have a meltdown and he promises to change, but he never takes action. Now we are waiting on him getting Viagra, but I just had another meltdown and he treated me very badly. He told me he doesn’t like me and it’s my fault he can’t perform. Now he’s trying to prolong our breakup until January 1, but he has strong financial reasons to do so and I suspect that he is just using me for money (the only way I can move out is by getting my deposit back, and he’s basically broke and needs the money for Xmas presents). Should I leave him now or should I give him a 10th chance? A.
I don’t think it’s going to make any difference how many chances you give him, do you? He’s told you the truth (from his point of view)…finally. Move out at your convenience…not his. Blessings, Luise
I’d like to ask your opinions on this: My husband and I have been together since we were teenagers and are now in our mid-late 20s. We are best friends… but, we don’t have sex any more. This started about 4 years ago (for me), when he started smoking pot everyday and stopped showering regularly. These two behaviors initially made me worried and anxious… but, as they continued, have now made me irritable and mildly resentful. I’ve brought up my feelings and made it clear that I refuse to live like this much longer. He’s said he understands (but holds his ground and won’t change). Now, he is a very smart, funny, sweet and sincere guy; I still love him deeply. But, I also know that I don’t want to be in any relationship where my partner is high daily (sometimes all day) and pays no attention to hygiene (whereas I shower daily, smell nice [so he tells me], and still actively try to look decent).
What should I do? I feel as though I’d never find anyone with whom I’d get along so effortlessly, who’d I’d laugh as much with… but, I also never imagined my life with a partner who behaved this way. Am I being too demanding? He makes no demands of me and expects the same in return.
Thanks in advance for your responses. K.
Dear K.: We never get everything we want in a partner. The woman whose husband is always neat, tidy and present will have other areas of imperfection that either take a lot of getting-used-to or drive her nuts.
You, in turn, offer the best and the worse, as well.
What all of us have to decide is where our priorities lie and what we want to do about them. You may never find that level of compatibility again. You may find someone much more appealing and miss the connection. Or who knows; you may find a guy who meets all of you expectations. If so, look closer; we all have feet of clay. Make peace with yourself, no matter what that entails. That’s the bottom line. It isn’t something another person can give you. Blessings, Luise
I have been married for a year and a half and have only had sex a few times. I brought it to his attention and he has sought counseling however during the six months of counseling, I have seen no change in sexual behavior. He is taking medication every other day without improvement. For every four times we try, maybe one time will be successful. I am angry and frustrated and this is taking a toll on me. He’s been checked by a cardiologist, the family doctor and a urologist. Nothing is physically wrong with him. I’ve gone nearly a year with no sex and don’t want to cheat on him but it is getting really tempting. I want kids but at this rate it will never happen. I am healthy, workout religiously and keep myself looking good. I am at my wits end and don’t know what to do. J.
Dear J.: You have done everything that I could suggest. I think you know that. You are at stay or go. Neither will be easy. You have a roommate. If you want more, it’s time to either move on or make the ultimate adjustment. There’s no room for resentment or affairs there. Very few people can do that, permanently, and stay healthy. Blessings, Luise
I am the one in my relationship who has issues being aroused. And it’s not because I’m selfish or I just want a roommate or I’m being a dictator or for any other reason than the simple fact that it just doesn’t happen sometimes. Physically or mentally. It is flat out WRONG for you to say that it is abuse to a spouse. I think you are incredibly rude, misleading and ignorant. You can ruin relationships with your ignorance. Please think about the other side of the coin when you give advice. You may be hurting more than helping on this subject. R.
Dear Luise: Great to know I’m not alone but that doesn’t take the pain away. From where I come people don’t walk out of marriages, so you stay and die a little every day. We have a twenty year old son and married for 22years. We started out with once a month and now none at all. Porn and other women are a bone of contention. I’m a good wife and mother but I do need some gratification. Could do without if he was kind and loving but that to isn’t forthcoming . Met an old friend who had always been there for me and with no provocation things that were pent up over the years just took over and before long we were so intense it was hard to let go. i don.t intend to break his marriage and don.t want to cheat on mine but he is everything that I need and want. Please help. L.
Dear L. If you feel you have to stay, then the only peace you are going to find is in staying 100%. That means honoring your vows whether your husband does or not. His disgusting infidelity and neglect doesn’t justify yours.
It sounds like your marriage is over, if what you started out with once felt like a marriage to you. Your husband has violated every rule in the book and you are being abused.
No matter what the circumstances are “where you come from” regarding staying married, mistakes are made. It’s up to you whether you stay or go. If you feel you need to put up with abuse your entire adult life then no one can help you free yourself from this bondage. Some women do what you are doing until they die and feel they have done the right thing. I personally feel it’s a terrible price to pay for making a wrong choice when very young.
Finding illicit love, either accidentally or on purpose, isn’t the answer. It brings guilt and fear and a taste of what you don’t/can’t have. For every moment of validation and comfort that it brings you to you, the price is too high.
Stay or go, dear one…but don’t do this to yourself or to a married man who can’t face the fact that his marriage, too, is over. You’re playing with fire and causing yourself great stress with no hope in sight. Blessings, Luise
So I am not alone in this situation. The fist three years of my four year relationship was loving and very passionate. My fiancee suddenly without warning turned on me. She claims to love me but does not touch me. It has become a very cold lonely and loveless place. She doesn’t consider my feelings at all. When I’m away she claims to desire me but when I return she rejects me. It’s gotten to a point where having been rejected so much ,I dare not attempt to touch her. She actually expects me to enter a marriage under these circumstances. I love her dearly but I can’t get to marriage form this cold lonely and loveless place. Cheating is not an option but she doesn’t want me to leave. It sometimes feels like she’s using intimacy as a weapon to punish me. I could use some feedback……help. E.
What a blessing. That’s how I see it. You fund out what this woman is all about before marriage. It doesn’t matter what she says, it’s her actions that speak of her heart. More on as quickly as possible. Whatever her definition of love it, it’s never going t work for you. For instance; punish you for what? And is she the adult and are you the child? She has some serious problems and if you marry her, they will become yours. Honor yourself and never let yourself be drawn to disrespect. Blessings, Luise
I have found my one true love and there is no man in the world that will ever be close to as perfect as this man is for me. I love everything about our relationship except that he barely has sex with me (once every 2 months, and only if I have a nervous breakdown first). I don’t want to derail my life and move out, and I don’t really want much to change, but I want to have sexual satisfaction. I am very young and I want to feel sexually desired.
In this situation, could an open relationship work? S.
In my experience an open relationship never works. (You could be the first one, of course.)
You don’t want him to be how he is, that’s the bottom line. so he is not perfect for you.
Were in our mid 60′s and hadn’t had sex in about 30 years. I have medical issues where I have to take meds causing my libido to crash land. My wife wasn’t happy and still isn’t and I just told her thats the way it is, talk to the doctor! She did and he said thats the way it is. Frankly I havent any need for sex. It dosen’t do anything for me. Now as far as my wife goes she can do what ever she wants. But I can’t accomidate her in any way. N.
For 2 years, my boyfriend (that I’ve been with for 4 years) and I were only having sex once every 6-8 weeks, and I had to have a breakdown to make even that happen. I almost moved out and now we are having sex on a more regular basis, but I feel broken from the agony I went through over the last 2 years, and I want to see other people. Should I give him one last chance or should I just end it? S.
You got what you wanted. Why not hang in there?
I completely disagree with your advice. You are obviously thinking of this from a rejected persons point of view. Some people just aren’t sexual beings. I am one of those people. I love to be touched, held, kissed and loved, but feel that the sex act s disgusting. It is just the way I see the situation. There is nothing wrong with me. It isn’t that I just haven’t had it right or had the right guy do it right…I just find it repugnent. I can not have children so it seems to me a waste of energy to even participate in an act that is just gross to me just to make someone else happy. I am more than willing to give my whole heart, make sure that he knows I think he is a beautiful man both inside and out and do sweet and kind things for him to show my adoration for him. There are definate ways to love someone without having sex. Also, just a question…why is it that you are so quick to through therapy and counseling out there as a solution? Talking to your spouse or partner may have been a better jumping off point in healing the feelings she(and others commenting) have had regarding their sexless relationships. I am a firm believer in “Only you can close your own mouth and only you can open it.” Communication in a relationship is key!!! A.
You have my deepest sympathy.
I decided to move out a few months ago with 2 girls and see where that took me. I had no intentions of dating either, but somehow fell in love with one of the girls. We have been dating for 9 months now and the beginning of the relationship, we held off sex for a month or so. Then we got tired of waiting. The first few months were non stop. NOW, she doesnt seem interested. I know she works a bunch and always seems to be tired to do anything. We are intamate in every way but no sex. We both love each other, but i always believed a good sex life equals a good relationship. Confused. R.
Some people do that when the novelty wears off. She was just as busy and tired when you were intimate on a regular basis. If you are not comfortable, move on. You can’t change her.
i have a major problem, i want to be in a relationship but not have sex, due to my past i now find sex disgusting and if it gets close to sex with someone i feel physically sick and i have really bad panic attacks, men think I’m a complete freak because of this, what can i do? V.
I would see a good counselor. Not necessarily to get over it…but to at least learn to live with it. Men, unless they have a serous psychological problem, want a relationship to have a sexual base. Blessings, Luise
I am writing to report that after 2 years of being repressed sexually by my ex-boyfriend, I have fallen out of love with him, broken up with him, and am finally moving out of this apartment November 1. I have started seeing other people, and am a lot happier. And now after all of that, he says he’s getting Viagra – screw him!S.
Of maybe don’t!
Wow, there are so many comments on here and surprising most from women. On one hand it let’s me know I’m not alone but also its scary as heck and makes me wonder if there’s any hope! When did guys stop wanting to have sex? I wonder if its something I’m doing wrong without even realizing it all the time. My story is pretty much the same as most that I’ve read. I’m 34 and he’s 33. We’ve been together 3 years. Sex was amazing at first then he stopped being interested…and rejecting my advances. We’ve had sex twice in the past ten months and both times we had to stop because we weren’t getting anywhere. There’s always excuses when I try to discuss the topic, my favorite being that I never make the first move so its my fault. Which I have no confidence to make a move after being rejected so many times. He also wont cuddle, touch, nada. At this point I’m not even interested anymore. Im trying to decide if I should move in with a friend. I feel horrible leaving him on his own because he won’t have anywhere to go. I don’t want bad karma but I don’t want a sexless life like my parents had. What to do? B.
I don’t think (for what ever it’s worth) that taking care of yourself is bad Karma. You need a life. Blessings. Luise