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Can a Sexless Relationship Work?

Category: Sexuality

Question: Dear Luise: I have let myself get backed into a corner. I don’t know what to do about it and I’m feeling really sad and angry. I’m in a live-in relationship with a guy who doesn’t want sex. He did at first, but after a few months, he simply stopped. Years have passed and nothing has changed. He won’t consider counseling and I can’t seem to accept this. I miss sexual expression. He says he loves me, and he’s the perfect man for me in every other way, full of humor and caring, but that doesn’t fix it. How do I move past this or move out? I’m so weary of sitting on the fence. It feels awful! Sincerely, Eleanor

Answer: Dear Eleanor: Thank you for bringing your question to my web site. It’s a tough one to deal with and not as uncommon as you might think. People just don’t often talk about it. Mr. Cool may say he loves you, but the proof is in his actions, not what he says. If not, certainly in his definition of love. He came into the relationship under false pretenses, offering you a full life, and then discontinued a major facet of your mutual expression. He apparently didn’t discuss it with you before hand, which would have allowed you to make a choice. You were never asked if you wanted to be a close “friend” or compatible “roommate”. He was patently dishonest. Also, it doesn’t sound like he has wanted to talk about it afterwards. He is, in taking care of himself and his needs, totally discounting yours. He is choosing not to notice how rejected you feel and the hopelessness that has probably settled over you. Years! That’s not healthy and you know it!

Mr.Cool may not want counseling but it might be helpful for you. You didn’t get to vote. See that very, very clearly. Many relationships eventually settle down into a minor focus on sexual expression, but it’s there, always, as a “possibility”. You never got past the honeymoon…nothing “settled down”. Mr. Cool decreed. That doesn’t sound very loving…not really. You need some help in understanding why you have accepted his edict. Have you been living in hope? Are you afraid of being alone? Do you see half a relationship as better than none? What’s going on with you? That’s the issue here. He’s giving you the message that you aren’t OK. Staying may reflect that you agree. It’s time to get that you matter to you! Come to you own defense! Blessings, Luise

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69 Comments »

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Comment by Steve

October 14, 2006 @ 2:35 pm

I am in the exact same situation…except that I am a male in a live in relationship with a girl who does not want sex. We have a 5 year old daughter together. The first few years of our 10 year + relationship was absolutely fantastic sex, but now little or nothing…

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Comment by Luise

October 15, 2006 @ 3:20 pm

Hi Steve, It’s beginning to feel to me like this situation is more common than most of us realize. It’s just not talked about, normally, and there’s probably a lot of ego-stuff going on about it, as well…like what am I doing wrong? Counselors can often help. Just try to remember as you work your way through or around this, that it is about her, not you. And don’t let her tell you otherwise. Blessings, Luise

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Comment by Brooke

November 1, 2006 @ 11:55 am

Hi,
I am a 26 year old female in the same situation with my 34 year old boyfriend. We moved in together about 7 months ago and slowly sex decreased to nothing at all in the last three months. He saw a counselor for a while, but has not returned to her. He has looked at porn a few times, but says he is not aroused by it. He has never lied to me so I have no reason not to believe him. I am so sad and confused. He swears he loves me and wants to spend his life with me. I have given him numerous times to “get out” of the relationship and he says that is not what he wants. He kisses me and hugs me, but no cuddling anymore. The only thing that is the same is we sleep naked. I dont know if I should stay or leave. He is the man I really thought i would spend my life with, but at this point my sanity is on the riffs. I am obsesssed and it affects everything in my life. I am different around him and he knows it. He says I am perpetualy unhappy. I never used to be this way. I was happy in this relationship, but when the sex stopped so did the affection. Therefore I believe it is me even though he swears its not. My self esteem has decreased to nothing. I am slowly falling into a deep depression over it. When I ask to talk about it he gets upset and says he doesnt know whats wrong and if he knew he would tell me. I dont know what to do and who to talk to about this. I will take any advice! Thanks. Brooke

Answer: Dear Brooke: From where I sit it looks like there are a lot more sexless relationshops our there than anyone would guess. They aren’t discussed openly or even admitted to in most cases but they appear to be quite common.

What you do about it has to be about you. You can’t do anything about your guy. He’s obviously got something going on and if he doesn’t want help from a therapist in sorting it out, you can’t force that. It’s easy to get pretty mixed up about sex when we’re growing up. We get so many mixed messages it’s no wonder some of us take sexual hang-ups into adulthood.

It doesn’t sound to me like you are going to be able to adjust to this. That’s what it boils down to. He’s either worth it or he isn’t. In my work I have heard from couples who have made it in a sexless context. However, they have to rise above reacting like the situation is based on rejection and no measuring up. That’s a tall order.

Right now you really need to see an counselor yourself. I’d give that top priority. Don’t let your sexless relationship take you down and make you seriusly ill. Get yourself straightened out and then see what you want to do beyond that…stay or go. Blessings, Luise

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Comment by cory

December 31, 2006 @ 1:24 pm

I am in a similar situation and can’t help but feel like it is my fault…that I am not all that physically attractive to my partner. I keep thinking to myself that everything else is good, so why let this bother me. However, I just don’t feel like my needs are being met and I am starting to doubt the defintion of this relationship also. Are we just glorified “roomates/companions”, rather than a couple in a relationship. The worst feeling in the world is lonliness when you are in a relationship. I don’t know how to bring more romance, intimacy or sex to this relationship. It is a touchy subject and I am left feeling “rejected”. The problem: I love him and we have only been together as a couple for a couple of months. We are in our early 30’s…is this normal?

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Comment by Luise

January 4, 2007 @ 6:10 pm

Answer: Dear Cory: If there’s a “normal”, I don’t know what it is. We’re all so unique. If you want your needs met, it looks like you picked the wrong guy. Loving someone who doesn’t find you physically attractive is the road to learning to live with rejection. That’s going to mess up your self-esteem, big time. You love the guy but he is not acting loving toward you at all. I would suggest that you move on and not accept this situation. Blessings, Luise

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Comment by Angie

February 22, 2007 @ 10:53 am

I’m 29 and he’s 37, we have a 6 month old daughter. We moved in together when our daughter was born. Since my daughter was born we’ve only had sex 5 times. I’ ve searched and searched to see if its anyone else that he’s going to and nothing has come up. I feel like crap because the man I lay next to every night has no desire to be with me. I make advances and he rejects me. I’ve gone into the shower in tears because of this. He’s affectionate towards me, but when it comes down to it, we have no sexual relationship. I’ve done everything from buying lingerie to watching porn. I don’t know what it is. It really hurts when I’m getting attention from different men on the streets and not from the one man I want the most.I know this is not healthy and I don’t know whether to leave or stick it out for my daughter.

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Comment by Luise

February 23, 2007 @ 7:14 pm

Answer: Dear Angie: Your guy has obviously got some hang-ups about sex. If he was motivated to do so, he could probably get back on track through some serious therapy. If he doesn’t want to go there, you are pretty much stuck with the situation. Most of us grow up with a lot of sexual taboos, misinformation, and fears. I have a close friend who can only have sex wilth married men. Four times different guys have left their wives to marry her because she was so great in bed, and every time…marriage stopped her cold. Whether to stay or go is up to you. (My friend’s last husband opted to stay.) If you decide to do that, you may need some therapy yourself to deal with the rejection. You have a lot of what women dream of…in a responsible partner who loves you and your daughter. Most of us don’t get to “have it all” but We are all very different and what we have to have and what can do without can vary a great deal from one person to another. Blessings, Luise

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Comment by SickOfHim

February 24, 2007 @ 7:30 pm

Hi,
OH MY GOSH!! What a relief to see that I am not the only person who is having this problem. I too have a sexless relationship. I a have cheated, masturbate and whatever else it takes. I don’t want to cheat. I want to be with someone that is going to love me. I treat him like a king. I shouldn’t have to go through this mess. I am so confused that I am hurting over this. He is a very nice guy. He loves my child and he says he loves me. Maybe we should all try and figure out what the heck is going on with these people. Are they not human. PLEASE SOMEONE HELP!!!

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Comment by Angie

February 25, 2007 @ 12:33 pm

I’m so confused. I don’t know what to do. You’re right I have a lot compared to most, but it hurts so much to lay by someone every single night and have them tell you they love you, but not express it. I really love him and everyone questions why I’m with him because he’s not an attractive man, he’s 37 but looks more like 47 (I’m 29), he’s here ilegally and I’m an American Citizen. I also treat him like a king. I clean up after him, wash, iron, hang, and put away his clothes. Have dinner ready for him. pick up his plate.Serve him his dinner, take it to him where ever he wants to eat. make sure theres beer for him to have with his dinner. an occasional night out with the guys is fine with me. Record his favorit sports. I just want to know what i’m doing wrong.

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Comment by Luise

February 25, 2007 @ 6:45 pm

Answer: Dear Angei: The sooner you get that you aren’t doing anything wrong the better. He has a problem. If you stay, the probelm is something you are going to have to live with. It would be best if you stopped trying to figure out how to fix it. Blessings, Luise

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Comment by Luise

February 25, 2007 @ 6:50 pm

Answer: Dear Sickofhim: You are in the same boat. Your situation is not seen by most people as a healthy way for couples to live. It’s causing you lots of stress and you can’t change it. What more can I say? Move on and stop having it be your problem when it isn’t. Blessings, Luise

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Comment by Heidi

March 4, 2007 @ 2:51 pm

Reading this made me feel a little better. I guess at least I’m not alone. My case is a little different. I don’t live with my boyfriend of 5 years. I have three children and a beautiful home and he has his mother, his spoiled dog and a beautiful home. He’s the most wonderful man I’ve ever met. We talk on the phone like five times a day. We call each other the moment we wake up and before we go to bed every night. Not to menchin before,after and during work. He comes up on thursday nights for dinner and family night but never stays, and I try to spend friday nights with him at his house, if the kids have planns(they usually do).For the last 4 1/2 years we’ve had sex maybe 3x a year. And even then it doesn’t work. He blames me but he has a vary serious porn problem. He is 41 and has a heart condition. I told him if it’s because of his heart, I’d go the rest of my life without sex but if it’s because he can’t quit watching porn it’s not fair to me. I’m 32 and I’m going insane. What should I do?

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Comment by Angie

March 5, 2007 @ 9:49 am

Just wanted to say Thank You Luise. I really do feel much better. And your right about having a lot of things that most people don’t have. I’ve talked to my guy and we’ve been looking for a therapist/counselor that he can go see. He wants us to go together, but I told him I thought it would be best he start going alone and then I join in. I think he would be able to speak more freely to someone w/ out me being there at first. I can join in later. Once again, thank you.

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Comment by Luise

March 5, 2007 @ 10:28 am

Answer: Dear Angie: You’re welcome! It might be wise to leave the logistics up to the therapist. Sometimes they want to meet both people first to get a sense of the partnership before working separately. You have a strong foundation to work from! Blessings, Luise

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Comment by Luise

March 9, 2007 @ 8:25 am

Answer: Dear Heidi: The guy you love has a serious and disabling addiction. It’s a sickness and you know that, don’t you? It’s so sad that he can’t at least come clean and not blame you but “clean” isn’t a word that fits this, is it? All of the wonderful things you describe are also part of the package but you can’t separate them. If they were enough, you wouldn’t be pulling your hair out. Your assignment is to see him as normal, ignore any evidence to the contrary and take the blame for the sexless world he is creating for you (so he can keep his addiction in place.) Isn’t his sickness and dishonesty and yes, perversion making you sick? Isn’t it rubbing off? Talk to and with a counselor. Get some help because it may be that you are addicted to him and the not-so-subtle abuse you are accepting. My guess is that he won’t seek help because he won’t part with his sick fantasies, even for you. That says a lot. Blessings, Luise

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Comment by Estelle

March 10, 2007 @ 3:35 am

Dear Everyone who is reading this. Firstly, sorry you are all hurting - remember we are all beautiful women and happiness is available to us if we want it.

I am a 26 year old woman who has been with my boyfriend for nearly 6 years (we met when I was 20). I love him with every fibre that is in my body and every emotion that is in my heart and soul, but I am deeply unhappy. We are to be married in September - but last night I told him that if things continued as they are then I am not able to get married to him. It was very sad.

In the last 3 years we have had sex less than once every 2 months, sometimes not for 3 months at a time, and we never kiss passionately anymore. We are very intimate though and cuddle entwined for hours at a time, him saying he loves it when I fall asleep on him because I look so peaceful and beautiful. When we cuddle up every part of our bodies fits together - neither of us has had that before. He keeps hold of notes and cards I send him and sent me back something I sent him on our anniversary last year recently - the words were beautiful.

But my self esteem is low, I am jumpy and feel anxiety and feel sexually ‘dried up’. On a few occasions I have tried to come onto him and he has said no - for no reason. His excuse is he is tired and overworked but last night admitted that there is a problem with us - but that he didn’t know what it was.

I love this man and he loves me but I am so sad. I want to marry him and have children with him but I will not settle as I know my value.

What shall I do?

Love to all the women and men out there who feel rejected - you are a beautiful flower just waiting to be held and appreciated.

Estelle xxx

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Comment by Luise

March 17, 2007 @ 1:04 pm

Answer: Dear Estelle: You have said you know your value and will not settle. However, before you give up on this guy, why not try counseling? He is now talking. He may be willing to get to the bottom of his issues and move one…with you. Blessings, Luise

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Comment by Shells

March 21, 2007 @ 1:43 pm

You know - I’ve been reading up about sexless relationships - I’ve been in one too. It’s absolutely amazing how many people are experiencing the same anxiety about it….. Makes me think that maybe we are all victims of modern day expectations that are conditioned because of movies and media. Anyway - I digress, we’re here to try and fix things, not make excuses for them. My suggestion is ‘Mating in Captivity - Reconciling the Erotic & the Domestic’ by Esther Perel. Her take on things is that sex requires mystery, excitement, uncertainty which means not knowing everything about your partner. I highly recommend it for putting perspective back into things…. Very interesting and well worth reading!

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Comment by krystal lee

May 10, 2007 @ 9:38 pm

Hello everyone, I am 20 yrs old and my boyfriend is turning 33 this month. We have been together a year. We live together. Everything is great except for one thing. Everytime I try to have sex with him he rejects me. We only have sex when he wants to or when he initiates sex…which is only on the weekend. When we have sex its very good. He pleases me and does everything I need but its so fast and then its over for a week. I hate it but when I try to initiate sex during the week he pushes me away and gets very angry with me. Even if on the weekend I initiate sex, he gets angry and rejects me. Then when he’s interested he says something so vulger and so unromantic that I feel like the spontianty is gone. I feel so ugly and unattractive. When the weekend comes, I not even interested anymore. I feel like in his mind he feels like he is rewarding me by having sex with me. Like its something I have to earn all week. Is this normal? I love him so much. He wants to get married soon. I dont know if I can live like this. He says its because of his age and because of the medications he takes. I dont know what to do I have tried all kinds of kinky, new, exciting things and nothing works. I got sick of spending time and money on trying to get my boyfriend to have sex with me, so I gave up. Yet when I satisfy myself he gets jealous and says it’s like I’m cheating on him. HELP ME! |I am going crazy.

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Comment by Luise

May 10, 2007 @ 9:56 pm

Answer: Dear Krystal Lee: He’s not for you. We can love people we can’t live with. Blessings, Luise

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Comment by Jude

May 16, 2007 @ 2:46 pm

How can one have the “perfect” relationship, saying they love the other, but not be physically attracted, thus not wanting a sexual relationship. I have been in this type of relationship for almost a year. I need and want the sexual as well as the other, but he says he is not physically attracted. Any suggestions?

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Comment by Luise

May 16, 2007 @ 5:40 pm

Answer: Hey, Jude: Men who have serious problems regarding sexual performance often hide behind…”I’m just not sexually attracted to you.” I don’t know if that’s what you’re up against or not, but if he won’t face the issue or get help there is little you can do.
Blessings, Luise

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Comment by Michelle

August 7, 2007 @ 12:40 pm

I am 40 years old and have been with my B/F for a little over a year. We have no affection, romance or sex in our relationship. I hate it, I feel so unattractive, although I get attention from other men and have been told I’m very pretty. My B/F is a yr older than me, about 350 pounds and to ask for a hug, you would think I asked for a million dollars. He does tell me he loves me, but I don’t believe him. He is so obssessed about money, he controls every dime I make and usually makes me feel guilty for our financial problems, even though I make more than he does. We are like good friends or roommates. I have tried talking to him, writing him a letter, typing him an email, nothing works. I did find a chat session he had with his ex and he does know how to talk the the talk, just not to me. He cried when I confronted him, said he couldn’t exist w/out me….blah, blah, blah. I have not cheated on him, but I honestly can’t say I wouldn’t if I had the opportunity for someone to make me feel beautiful, desired, sexy and appreciated. I want to leave, but I don’t like to hurt anyone, I have a good heart, sometimes I wish I had a heart of stone. I am so lonely and I sit here day after day wondering what I can do or what is wrong with me, although he says it isn’t me, it’s him. They all say that. Any advice or tips or any feedback at all to help me through this would be helpful. Thaks!

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Comment by Luise

August 23, 2007 @ 9:09 pm

Answer: Dear Michelle: By not wanting to hurt someone, you are hurting yourself. That doesn’t make any sense to me. The person you describe can be a room mate but is not partner material. If you aren’t satisfied with the former you are going to have to seek the later someplace else. Blessings, Luise

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Comment by Amber

August 27, 2007 @ 12:52 pm

Wow! I’ve been living through this for over four years and hearing all of you makes me a lot less lonely. I have been with a man for the last five years and he is the father of our child. He’s a wonderful father but there is nothing between us other than the whole glorified roomate thing. I hate to admit this, but he hasn’t touched me since I got pregnant with my son - my son will turn three in two weeks! That’s almost four years without a real kiss, no touching, nothing! Why I stay with - many various reasons in his defense. He’s thirteen years older than me, not that age has too much to do with it, me being only 26. I don’t ever know what I’m going to do, one day I’ll stay one day I’ll go. It’s nice just not being alone in this.

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Comment by Luise

August 27, 2007 @ 8:30 pm

To All: It seem like this is a rather large group. And each person feels alone. There is always a choice. Weight your options…it may be right for some but surely not for everyone. Blessings, Luise

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Comment by Joey C

September 9, 2007 @ 10:17 am

I’ve been in a sexless marriage for almost 20 years and my wife and I are proof that you CAN have a sexless marriage and still stay together.

We are not sexually attracted to each other but we have a great friendship and have both a business and a child raising partnership which I think is better than alot of sexually active married couples out there.

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Comment by Terry Edwards

September 9, 2007 @ 1:28 pm

After reading all of the comments on this site, it seems you are saying that we must either accept the fact that the relationship must be that way, or get out of the relationship. That sounds like the Alanon rule, which I have had to deal with in the past also, and found very difficult.

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Comment by Luise

September 9, 2007 @ 5:39 pm

Answer: Dear Joey: Thank you for pointing that out. I think there are probably more couples like you and your wife out there than people realize. Good for you for taking us to the overview in your case, which sounded pretty positive. Blessings, Luise

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Comment by Luise

September 9, 2007 @ 5:42 pm

Answer: Dear Terry; Of course it’s difficult. There is nothing easy about any of this. However, sitting on the fence and not taking any action can be just as bad or worse. In the end, each person has to chart his/her own course. People vary as much as circumstances do. Blessings, Luise

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Comment by carol

September 10, 2007 @ 8:19 pm

Hi: Have read all the post and am glad I found this site. Have been a relationships for two years, same situation. Sex, good sex for a month and than nothing. I have actually told him that I am on the Internet and that if he does not come around I will find someone else. He acts like I have not said a word. I figured it out, he is just not into me. I do not lite his fire, so I will not waste my life waiting for a spark that is not there. Says he loves me, and yes, he does, for the sake of not being lonely. So everyone I am going to find a mate who is into me, and am not wasting my life on someone who is oblivious to me sexually.

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Comment by Luise

September 10, 2007 @ 9:08 pm

Answer: Dear Carol: I think that self-respect and self-worth are playing a big part in your decision. It can work sometimes when both people feel luke warm or even stone cold. Even a great partnership can surface…but not when goals and feelings are not aligned. You go girl! Blessings, Luise

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Comment by carla

October 7, 2007 @ 8:53 am

I had no idea that sexless relationships were so common. I have been with my fiancé for 3 years and we have an 18mos.old daughter. The sex was consistent in the beginning but slowly decreased to once every few months, if that. We talk about it to death and he says that he doesn’t know why it’s like that except that he’s tired from work, school and family. We saw a counselor for a little while but at hat time we had other issues which are now resolved so we never tackled this subject. I don’t think he’d reject me if I tried but I can’t because I felt rejected for so long. At this point I’m not in the mood either just because this is how it’s been for so long. He’s great in every other way but with out intimacy we are just live-in best friends. We have a baby so I really want to make this work and so does he but neither one of us know where to start. He says that I should just try and he will respond but I can’t. It has been six months since we’ve been intimate. I cannot imagine the rest of my life without sex and I can’t even think about marrying him until this is resolved. I love him but feel really disconnected from him.

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Comment by Luise

October 7, 2007 @ 9:04 am

Answer: Dear Carla: Why not try the counselor again? Fatigue often does play a part in it but there’s a lot more going on as well. How often I get letters about half a relationship. Many times the sex is just great but there is no friendship. We are flawed, that’s our nature…so we get flawed relationships that we have to deal with or at least accept. Some of us are lacking in something as obvious as sexual drive and others of us have short suits not so glaring but still hard to live with. Blessings, Luise

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Comment by adeline

October 8, 2007 @ 4:58 pm

I am in a sexless relationship and it sucks! We are the best of friends and we love each other so much yet we have no sex. We want so bad to make things work but we are painfully shy and embarrassed to bring the subject up. Im 31 and he’s 39. We’ve been together almost 2 years. We have even separated from one another. We were hoping that the pressure on us would be gone. He’s even gone as far as getting viagra but he’s uncomfortable(i am too) and doesn’t want to use it(I dont blame him). Since, I moved out-he is very aware of his feelings for me and doesn’t want to loose me BUT still sex has not comeback. Before, finding this site I thought I was alone. My girlfriends tell me that I should just move on. But, we care so deeply for each other that I tell myself that sex isnt everything and that I should live with out it b/c everything is right except this one thing. I would like to think that everything will work itself out. Sex was awkard in the beginning but I thought it would get better if I was patient. I know he feels guilty and angry that he’s not performing and he’s become too ashamed to talk about it with me -How do I get him to go to a counselor? What qualifications do I look for? What are the statistics that therapy or sex therapy actually works? Can you refer some websites?

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Comment by Luise

October 8, 2007 @ 8:08 pm

Answer: Dear Adeline: I have a young friend who has this issue in an otherwise great relationship. After a lot of painful tries at resolving it that didn’t work, she decided to figure out how much time they actually spent together, sexually, after the newness wore off and before the freeze came on. (Her words, not mine.) She said it was such a small portion of their relationship, time-wise, that she decided she was not going to give it “top billing.” She went into counseling alone because her husband refused to go, and worked on her own self-worth and decided she woulndn’t leave it up to him to be responsible for that. Believe it or not, that was ten years ago and they are doing very well. They are happy with each other and themselves and have “learned to live with imperfection.” I’m not sure I could do that, but it’s one solution I know of that seems to have worked…(at least once.) Blessings, Luise

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Comment by jill

October 10, 2007 @ 7:06 pm

I am in a sexless relationship and every time I try to intiate sex I am rejected. He is 34 years old and I am 29 and he tells me that he’s not young like he used to be and that having sex all the time is no fun and becomes monotoneous. I dont know what to do anymore. It’s been 9 years. I have tried talking to him about this and I get the same answer all the time: “not right now I am tired, or its not a good time”…but he has no problem finding satisfaction alone, late at night on the internet while watching porn. What do I do ?

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Comment by Jane B

October 10, 2007 @ 11:09 pm

I have been with the man I love for almost two years. In the beginning, our sex life was hot and strong. He is very attractive to me; I get turned on just being around him. He says he finds me beautiful and classy and swears he is attracted to me as well. However, things have not been good sexually between us for more than a year. Like so many of the other women writing on this blog, I find myself in love with a man who has trouble physically performing. He is affectionate in all other ways, hugging me, kissing me, pinching my ass, etc. We sleep naked together and love the cuddling. He claims the financial pressures he’s been under for the last 18 months have stolen his sex drive from him. But I know from things I have seen on his computer in the last year that he looks at porn online, has a ton of pornographic images stored on his harddrive, and has a history of domination (bdsm). He also has used an email address for erotic correspondence with women he meets online, and got very angry with me when I confronted him about it. Bringing up the topic of sex is very difficult for me because he gets defensive and angry. Then he asks me to be patient with him; I always am. But my patience is running out. I am most afraid that he cannot get excited by me, that he never will get excited by me, that his history with porn and bdsm have made his stimulation needs way beyond what I can provide, even though I am interested in being kinky with him (he won’t go there with me for some reason). Has anyone else been in a similar situation, impotence in their partner because of porn or a past history with bdsm?

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Comment by Bill

October 29, 2007 @ 9:36 pm

I am involved with a married woman. I have known her for 20 years. I recently called her after not talking with her for 7 years. We met, slept together the first night and 2 additional nights. She then decided things were going a bit too fast, and since then we have not slept together except for a bit of snuggling in bed a subsequent morning. I feel rejected. She thinks men are obsessed with sex. I tod her I found it to be and aid to a good sleep. It seems she feels guilty about her husband although their relationship is dysfunctional. I am going to see her tomorrow. Am I wasting my time? We both told one another we love each other and have always been attracted to one another.

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Comment by Luise

October 31, 2007 @ 7:02 pm

Answer: Dear Bill: I think you’re on thin ice. Why not back up a bit and give it a chance. In fact, she has some sorting out to do, doesn’t she? If you are expecting very much, yes, you may be wasting your time. It doesn’t sound like she has much to give right now. Your history could be a good foundation for a friendship, though. Why not see where it leads and pass on the expectations for now? Blessings, Luise

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Comment by Peggy B

December 6, 2007 @ 11:26 pm

I’ve been in a relationship like this for 30+ years. Now, he’s 63 and I’m 57, and we have kids and grandkids and greatgrandkids. It sucked when we were young, and it still sucks. I knew it wasn’t good, but I didn’t ever realize until reading these posts what an effect it’s had on my self esteem. No wonder I’m on an antidepressant. And I thought it was just stress and age. My question about all of this is, IF I decided to leave … then what? I’ll still be alone, ruined, humorless and anxious. Besides that, all those kids will hate me for breaking up the family. So, what is an old woman to do? Take a lover? Been there, done that, but none of the men I know at this age are able or willing to do what’s necessary to maintain a healthy sex life. (Like the guy who’s 350 pounds … he can’t breath, much less make love!) So, given that I cannot leave, what’s next? I’ve been to several psychologists, but in the end, it’s still ’stay or leave .. it’s up to you’, which does more harm than good to my tattered ego. Any other suggestions?

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Comment by Luise

December 7, 2007 @ 4:34 pm

Answer: Dear Peggy: It would be nice if someone could answer for you but of course we can’t. I would say this, it may depend on whether you feel your life is over or not. If you feel it is, then ride it out. The only other option I know of is to create it not being over with new hobbies or interests. For instance, how about doing volunteer work with needy children or disabled seniors….(or both.) Then look closely at whether you could best do that married or single and follow your heart. Adventures might still be out there for you if you looked closely at how you could serve others and focus less on what’s not available and may not be attainable in your life at this late date. For me, volunteering in a nursing home has broadened my horizons and my appreciation of life to a huge degree. New faces, lots of love being exchanged and meeting many people who would love to be in my shoes has given me a whole new slant on things. It’s a sure cure for bitterness for many of us. Blessings, Luise

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Comment by Sage

December 10, 2007 @ 12:53 pm

I’m considering asking my boyfriend to read every single letter. Perhaps in doing so he will realize that I am not alone in feeling that we do not have a relationship but rather a friendship.

Is there anyone out there in their late fifties who couldn’t take it anymore and decided to leave?

July 2008 I will be with my partner 4 years. When we talk (I talk, he listens) about his lack of affection, attention and intimacy he has nothing to say. He refuses to seek counseling, has gone for a physical but leaves out vital information and comes home telling me the doctor offered no solutions. He is an excellent “caregiver”, ok Sugar Daddy. What else can I call a man that takes care of me financially (household expenses) and materially (clothing, jewelry, etc.). We have a wonderful time together, like “good friends” would. All very nice, but not enough.

So, I’m asking who in my age bracket (55+) has left and decided it was the best decision they made.

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Comment by Mr. Confused

December 13, 2007 @ 8:33 am

I am in a sex-less relationship. The few times that we have had sex in the last year have been very rare. I honestly feel really embarrassed about it, when I hear from my friend about the intimacy he has with his girlfriend. I met my girlfriend in another country. We were both studying in that country and both she and I went back to our own countries. We began talking when I went back to my university to finish up my degree. We really connected, and even though we weren’t physically near each other we used the webcams to help with the distance. When I finished my degree I went to her country to live with her and to teach English. She was really jealous of all my friends, which was a pain, but worst of all she berated the hell out of me. She doesn’t do that so much anymore, but we have no physical contact to speak of. I often wonder if she loves me or if she simply sees me as a form of financial stability. I’ve been really feeling hurt, lonely and confused. I didn’t even want her to comfort me today, when I was feeling bad. Is there something I can do to improve this situation in your opinion? I just don’t know how to talk to her about it without sounding like I am demanding sex, and I don’t want sex like that. My birthday is coming up and I think she will probably offer to have sex with me, but I really don’t want to do anything with her, even though I want to. As you can see I am really confused. Orz

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Comment by Luise

December 13, 2007 @ 5:18 pm

Answer: Dear Orz: My suggestion is that you look for a more fulfilling relationship with someone else. There isn’t enough common ground, is there? Why settle for a dead-end? Blessings, Luise

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Comment by Sherri

December 22, 2007 @ 6:44 pm

I’m not going to write about my situation, as it is so similar to all of those who have posted here before–the loving live-in boyfriend who is wonderful, except for a complete lack of sex.

I just want to say thank you for hosting this question. At my young age (23), most of my friends are in very sexually healthy relationships, and I often feel alone with my problem. When I found this webpage, I started to cry because I realized I wasn’t alone. I have found strength and love in your answers, Luise. For everyone out there, male or female, suffering with this problem, you are not alone–and that is the most important thing to know.

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Comment by Luise

December 22, 2007 @ 6:57 pm

Well put, Sherri. Thank you…Blessings, Luise

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Comment by Brandon

January 1, 2008 @ 10:16 pm

Question: Dear Luise: I find myself in a similar situation. I have been in a relationship for nearly two years that is going from bad to worse. I am 24 and my girlfriend is 20. At first the relationship was very physical but she has medical issues that effect her sexual expression and they have been getting worse. My interest is being seen as completely insensitive to her condition even though I have made suggestions that would have made it work. She is accusing me of being a demanding partner. How dare I? She won’t listen to anything I have to say. I just do not know how to resolve this. Any attempt I make brings about an explosion and a fit of irrational fury and then she storms out. We’ve been fighting constantly. I don’t know what to do. Talking about it is not an option. She is absolutely impossible to talk with (because she simply distorts what I say no matter how clearly I spell out my intentions.) My head feels like it’s going to explode. Is there anything else I can try or is the relationship doomed? B.
.

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Comment by Luise

January 1, 2008 @ 11:56 pm

Answer: Dear B.: If your girlfriend hasn’t seen a doctor about her problems, that’s an immediate necessity. Medical advice and perhaps medical intervention might be the answer. That’s the first place to turn and if she won’t hear of it, you don’t have much left to go on. She is young. Her responses may be her way to try to cover up embarrassment or overwhelm. After medical consultation, a counselor might be a wise follow-up if she seriously wants to work this through. Blessings, Luise

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Comment by Mary

February 15, 2008 @ 6:35 am

I have been searching for help, and I’m thankful I found this site. At least I can talk about it here. My relationship started about 4 years ago. I am 49 and my BF is 41. He says he loves me deeply, and I am in love with him. We get along fantastically, except for our lack of sex; I feel rejected and distressed as the other ladies writing in here. We had been talking about sharing the rest of our lives together and eventually getting married; he still wants to but doesn’t know if we should due to this problem and my pain. For a couple of years he expressed a loss of desire for sex or intimacy with anyone and difficulty perfprming. But he increasingly viewed porn videos and websites. He’s had past relationships and a son from one. He sounded like he’d been sexually healthy/active. So I thought things would work out. A few days ago he said that he doesn’t appear to be physically attracted to me, and doesn’t think he ever will be, and that he’s now starting to notice other women. Although he doesn’t want anyone else at this point.

A little history. We met at work 5-6 years ago. Several horrible experiences took place the past 6-7 years. He accepted legal responsibility for something the mother of his child did–to prevent DFACS from taking their child, which in turn caused him to lose his job and to go into deep debt, lose his home, etc. She then wouldn’t allow him to see his child for several years. He responded by becoming an alcoholic (a bad one) to escape from his problems. He lost his next two girlfriends because of the drinking (the last was even more devistating).

We were working together when he went through the loss of his last girlfriend… which led to a downward spiral of drinking and loss that job, as well as his apartment and the last belongings. We had been good friends, so I took him, he had nowhere to go.

Over time he finally hit his bottom. He’s been sober now for over a year and is back making a 6-figure income, and one-by-one is taking care of the legacy of financial issues. Next, he’ll fight for shared custody of his son.

We grew close after spending so much time together, making it through hard times, and enjoying each other’s company. I fell in love with him. There was some sex here and there before he quit drinking; none in the past 16 months. And over the past 2 years, my arthritis has gotten worse to the point that I haven’t worked for a year, and he supports me while I’m trying to start a small business. We spend all free time together doing things we enjoy, he takes good care of me, and has me on his insurance. He says he will not abandon me no matter what, and won’t leave unless I cannot live with this situaiton. So it is complicated. I’m a very sexual, affectionate person, so can I live without sex? I am hurting, and resentful, even though I love him and want to be with him. I want things to go my way, however childish that sounds. It doesn’t look like he will ever budge on the physical relationship or intimacy… and I don’t understand why if he loves me so. He’s also realizes that someday he may meet someone else that he would be interested in physically and would end up resenting me… I can’t imagine living without him, but I don’t know if we can make it without intimacy. I am devistated and feeling so low. I cannot afford to be on my own right now, either. What a situation! And realistically, it would be difficult to find another partner considering my physical problems and age. What to do, what to do! Thank you…

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Comment by Luise

February 15, 2008 @ 6:34 pm

Answer: Dear M.: He sounds like a lovely, broken man and you sound like a healthy, helpful woman. That’s probably not going to work. You aren’t going to get what you need. Isn’t that the bottom line? Love him but don’t count on him, or plan a life with him. The price has already been too high and will porbably continue to get higher. Blessings, Luise

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Comment by Sam

March 4, 2008 @ 11:57 am

I have been in a sexless relationship 5 years. It bothers us some but we don’t seem to be attracted to each other. Outside of sex we are perfect together in every way. It’s not like a glorified friend or room mate. We are deeply in love and if either of us were to cheat on the other we would be very hurt.

I stay because to be honest I have had other relationships where the sex was great but they didn’t really get me or love me. I guess relationships are not all about sex and in the end. I feel I’d rather have someone there for me should I become ill later in life then just have some half-OK relationship with good sex.

Sometimes in this world we can’t have it all and thats fine. If you love the person stay, talk, work it out. If you don’t and you are very unhappy then you should look elsewhere if you can.

Sex is not the end all and be all of life. Love and sex really are different.

Something to think about: Quadriplegics in many cases can not have sex. But they like others get married. True love is a meeting of minds. Share your life, love, have fun.

On my death bed I doubt I will be thinking about how much sex we had. What I will think about is all the places we go , the laughs and our conversations.

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Comment by Luise

March 4, 2008 @ 7:10 pm

Answr: Dear S.: Thank you so much for your very candid and heartfelt comment. Blessings, Luise

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Comment by Ana Luisa

March 10, 2008 @ 4:46 pm

Wow. I did not know there were so many women on my shoes!I am 28, he is 40. Everything is perfect aside the fact we have not had sex in two years. I am pretty sure he is not seeing other women or that he is not gay, but I do not know what is going on; I wish I could understand because I love him and I will not cheat. But this has became so frustrating for me; because I cannot stop thinking I am not attractive, intelligent, pretty enough! Can anyone help me?

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Comment by Luise

March 20, 2008 @ 9:43 am

Answer: Dear A.: As far as I know, the hardest thing to pull off in such a situation is to get that it isn’t about you. It’s not about how attractive you are or how intelligent you are. What is being rejected is sexual intimacy…not you. To regain your balance, you need to be able to get that. Otherwise, you are going to be damaged by his limitations. It is possible to create a healthy relationship with an unhealthy person but you have to do all the work. Don’t count on him to make any contribution…he has a serious problem. If you can’t do that, your own self respectand health may suffer to the point where you cannot continue. We all need support and understanding. Can you find a way to give it to yourself so that his issues don’t add up to subtle and someitmes not so subtle)abuse? Blessings, Luise

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Comment by B.

May 21, 2008 @ 2:37 am

Reading this site I was surprised there were so many out there that were in the same situation. I am 47 and still very much interested in sex. My relationship started of normal but after a year my partner announced that he didn’t want sex on a regular basis anymore. I didn’t know what to think of it and was shocked. I thought there was something wrong with me, I felt very rejected and my self esteem went right down the drain. He keeps telling me he loves me. He wants kissing and cuddling but nothing more and we just have sex maybe every 3 to 4 months. I think he does it just to keep me happy, although having sex 4 times a year doesn’t do much for me. You just have to be in the mood on that particular day or the opportunity has to wait again for another 3 months. It’s very frustrating and I am getting really resentful of him. I didn’t bargain for a friendship but that’s what I got. I love him but can’t help myself thinking of having sex elswhere. I am not really into that either, but when you get frustrated and desperate you start thinking all kinds of things. B.

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Comment by Luise

May 21, 2008 @ 6:02 am

Answer: Dear B.: Nothing is more difficult in a partnership than one person saying how it’s going to be and the other person not getting to vote. That said, people can have very deep and unaddressed fears and anxieties connected with sexual performance. They may be able to fake it for a while but there’s no way to maintain it. Parents, by direct threats or indirect behaviors that reflect an aversion toward sexual expression, can condition a child early on against it. Or a child can get caught when experimenting and be severely punished. Religion can create distortion. There are endless factors that can mess them up and affect them both consciously and unconsciously for the rest of their lives. Therapy can loom as threatening. Certainly calling it a “preference” is better for most than admitting terror and overwhelm. We are all broken in some ways…often in many ways. Some are easy to see and some are hidden deep within us. This isn’t about you but it feels like it is. It’s part of who he is. He can’t be someone he isn’t. He tried for a year. If you can love and respect him and yourself you can probably have a good life together. If you can’t, then anger is going to eat away at you and becoming unfaithful is just going to make it a great deal worse. Stay if being with him can be supportive and fulfilling for you with little or no sexual expression but go if it can’t. He is how he is and he is either right for you thee way he is or he isn’t. Not perfectly right, no one is, but as right as possible, all things considered. Blessings, Luise

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Comment by K.

June 3, 2008 @ 12:31 am

Dear Luise: I am a 51 yearr-old male who suffers from erectile dysfunction. Due to many medications for arthritis, fibromyalgia, blood clots, atrial fibrulation, GERD, deep vein thrombosis and on and on… I not only cannot take any of the erectile drugs available, but am in great pain to even consider having sex. I’m surprised that you can’t come up with any positive aspects of a sexless relationship. I have several female companions who know of my situation, but they, like you feel there shoud be sex in a relationship. Not really sure if there is anyone out there for me anymore. I’ve dated a couple of women from my church, but when they found out I couldn’t perform, they dumped me. I haven’t dated for almost 3 years now. Just wondered if there was a dating/relationship service for people in my condition. Just wondering…K.

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Comment by Luise

June 3, 2008 @ 9:38 am

Dear K. You are in a different catagory than most of the people who are up against this issue. A lot of men and women have suffered emotional damage that has left them fearing sexual expression. They are able but not willing. You sound like you are willing but not able. I doubt if there is a website dating service specifically set up for people in your situation. There are, however, counselors trained to help you address the problem and offer alternatives. Almost all mariages, if the people live long enough, reach the situation you describe. That does not mean that they aren’t viable and loving relationships. The fact that you haven’t found a younger woman willing to focus elsewhere doesn’t mean there isn’t one out there. And there may be a way to present your situation online using a get acquainted site like http://www.myface.com. You probably need to also consider that many people can be overwhelmed by so much going on with you medically. Can you pass on going into that and focus on what else you are interested in and have to offer that is more positive? Blessings, Luise

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Comment by M.

June 6, 2008 @ 12:02 pm

I am a 24 year old female and I have many of the same feelings you have. I have been in this relationship a little over a year and things have changed sexually. Before we became offical and in the beginning, we had sex all the time. GREAT SEX! It then went to three times a week to now maybe once a week. I beleive that he loves me and I dont want to leave him but it really hurts to get rejected! I want to leave now rather than wait until things get worst but I just dont know what to do. I trully love him. We have talked about getting married and a future together. He said that he isn’t sexually attracted to me but that it was him and not me. He also said that he might be having these feelings because I am the only person he has ever had a faithful relationship with. Someone please help. Im confused and in need of something. M.

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Comment by Luise

June 6, 2008 @ 2:07 pm

Dear M.: I have no idea what is going on and either do you. He probably doesn’t know himself. If he wants to stay with you, it’s his issue to unravel. Some poeple can have great sex only when it is temporary, superficial and in some way “forbidden.” If it becomes routine and “acceptable”, it stops. A counselor is probably what’s needed for him to get to the bottom of this and change. Blessings, Luise

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Comment by J.

June 22, 2008 @ 3:35 pm

I had no idea this was so widespread. I am in a relationship of 8 years, married for the last 2 and we’ve had no sexual encounter for the last 2-3 year. In fact we never had full blown sex, but did share sexual experiences earlier in the relationship.
He is the man for me. I could not love anyone more or find someone to love me more and we are perfectly matched personality wise.
We don’t really talk about it. We’ve discussed it occasionally (mostly when drunk) and we both say we want to, yet we never do. Whether it’s timing or mood, it just doesn’t happen.

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Comment by Luise

June 22, 2008 @ 3:43 pm

Dear J. You sound like you are dealing with it. Good for you for being able to see that you have a lot of what matters most to both of you in your marriage and for adapting as much as possible. You might try talking about it sober and see how that goes. Blessings, Luise

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Comment by T.

June 29, 2008 @ 8:12 am

Like most of you I had no idea there were so many people going through this. What suprised me the most was the young ages involved. I married at the age of 25 and enjoyed 17 years of happy, healthy, sex. My ex-husband and I explored and shared many types of sexual experiences. I’m now divorced (for reasons other than sexual nature), I’ve lived with my BF for 5 years. The first year was great including the sex. But the lack of sex for 4 years is devastating. I’ve had it both ways and I’ll tell you without a doubt no intimacy sucks. If your just looking for a friend or roommate it’s OK because that is all you’ll ever be. It shatters your self esteem and makes you doubt yourself and your relationship every minute, every day and anyone with any sense knows this not healthy. Any ideas on how to start over again at 47 years old?

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Comment by Luise

June 29, 2008 @ 10:32 am

Dear T. For some, a roommate is better than being alone. For others…looking is better than settling. We are all so different and our needs are correspondingly unique. For those who have experienced it, satisfactory sexual expression is a connection that many find they can’t duplicate. It expands life and the lack of it contracts life. Healthy partners are “out there.” You are still young. Blessings, Luise

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Comment by B.

July 24, 2008 @ 6:47 pm

I am so glad to know that I am not the only one in this predicament. When I met my now live in bf two years ago we were very sexual, and as soon as we got serious, it all stopped. He said he was never really into sex and I know it’s because he’s overweight now and might have ED. He wont discuss it and won’t get help for it. He’s given me free reign to cheat in the past and that doesn’t sit well with me. The other aspects of our relationship are fine. I feel like I am at 90% gratification rate, but I look at porn constantly now and have to satisfy myself. I have a high sex drive and he knew that going into the relationship. I on the other hand didn’t know that he had a low libido.

I feel invalidated as a woman, and totally understand what you are going through. I promised myself that by our two year anniversary if there was no change, I would end it. It’s only a few weeks away…I may just have to walk away from this. B.

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Comment by Luise

July 24, 2008 @ 8:00 pm

It is so difficult to have a relationship that is off balance. Sexual expression smooths out the rough edges of life. It’s decision time…you’re right. Blessings, Luise

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Comment by E.

October 11, 2008 @ 2:28 pm

Hello,
I am 25 and my boyfriend whom I live with is 28. We had a turbulent beginning, I broke up with him once because I thought that I wanted to get back with my ex. I ended that and decided that I made a mistake and returned to my current boyfriend. We were together for a year before we moved in together, and for the first 8 months the sex was frequent and very satisfying. Then gradually the sex became less. And only happened when he initiated or we were in an exciting situation, like camping in the woods. We now probably have sex twice a month, and only on his watch. When I try to wear something sexy or start to make a move he’s like “come on baby, I’m tired, let’s do it tomorrow”, etc.etc. or he says if we do it to much we won’t have anything left for when we get married. I know he watches porn every week. I have a high sex drive and would be happy with 3 times a week. We cuddle, and have great conversation, but I do have emotional outbursts over this, and prone to anger and tears. Should i see a therapist first, cause I know I need to, then ask him to come along? What should I do if he doesn’t want to come? I enjoy sex tremendously within a loving relationship, and don’t want to cheat…but for me sex is important and I think it relieves stress. E.

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Comment by Luise

October 11, 2008 @ 3:25 pm

Dear E. It doesn’t sound to me like you need to see a therapist and if he wanted to see one, he probably would have. What you have in your relationship, sexually, is what you have. I have no idea why your boyfriend is satisfied with twice-a-month-sex but that’s how it is. I also wonder if he doesn’t prefer the excitement and diversity of porn. If so, no wonder he’s tired…a fantasy sex life takes energy, too. You’re right, sex can reduce stress but it takes two to tango. You have a relationship that doesn’t work for you and he likes it the way it is. Base your decision on that. There’s little or no chance that it will ever be what you want again. That’s not what he wants. Blessings, Luise

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