Question: Dear Luise, I’ve been dating my boyfriend for over 10 months now. Everything has been wonderful and I’m head over heels for him but he has an issue that’s causing friction in our relationship… He’s been diagnosed with erectile dysfunction. However, He did not reveal this to me at the beginning or at least before I had fallen deeply in love with him… Before he had revealed to me his issue many times he would do things to arouse me and say how he’s going to make the best love to me when the time is right… After a while, I started getting frustrated with him doing things to arouse me and nothing happens. I started asking when were we going to make love… He would just say, “When the time is right”. It got to the point where I had to tell him to stop arousing me… So, one day he felt the time was right because he didn’t want to lose me because he saw i was getting more frustrated every time he touched me. We had it all planned out when and where… I was so excited!!! Now, here’s the twist— So on that special day that we had planned to make love, he walks in the house and tells me that there was something that I needed to know before we made love… He gives me a bag and tells me to look inside… I look inside and there was a full bottle of Viagra… The bottle looked brand new with all the pills there… This is how he had broke the news to me… I was in shock and a little disappointed… he told me that if I wanted to end the relationship that he understands completely. I was already head over heels for him and didn’t want to let him go and figured that him having to take a pill in order to make love couldn’t be that bad… so I told him that I understood and that we could work through it together… It was subject so deep and so touching that I felt that I had fallen in love all over again… we found ourselves in each others arms touching and carressing so deeply in love. The atmosphere was “HOT” but then he tried to perform and nothing happend… I suggested that maybe he should have taken one of his pills… but he insisted on trying to perform on his own without the pill… I figured ok, that’s fine… But I was very disappointed and sadened at the end… And after that day he would try to perform without the pill and make promises that one day he would use the pill… That day hasn’t come so one day, I found the bottle of pills and noticed that the prescription had been filled in 2006…This is 2011… I was so angry and felt that he had been dishonest with me… He was angry that I had gone into his private things… But then broke down and told me that the reason why he wont take the pills was because he was terrified of the side effects… Still I felt as if he had led me on and had been totally dishonest… After coming to myself, I told him that I didn’t want him to do anything that he didn’t feel comfortable doing… that if he’s afraid to take the pill that we would work it out somehow… but I made him promise that he would one day SOON get the prescription renewed and we try the pill at least one time to satisfy my curiosity and my desire as well as his… It’s been over 10 months now and that day hasn’t happend… The attempts to make love continues faithfully but seems like he’s the only one being satisfied… But he tries so hard to perform… My heart aches… I tried to talk to him about it and he got upset and told me that I knew about his problem from the beginning—And I remind him that I did not know from the beginning… And he reminds me that he didn’t want to tell me because he didn’t want to lose me… and again that I had promised him to patiently work through it … But at this point, I am so frustrated. I’m terribly in love with him and I deperately want to feel his love making at 100% compasity. I even purchased an over-the-counter arouser for him and all he would do is read the bottle over and over and over for side effects and would not use it… Finally again he saw me slipping away and tried the over-the-counter arouser… It did not work… So I’m still so frustrated and I don’t know how to tell him… I’m afraid that instead of him visiting the doctor to help our relationship, he will just walk away from the relationship because of his fear of the side effects… and if something were to happen to him from taking the Viagra, I would never be able to live with myself… So, I don’t know what to do from here… But I do know that I don’t want to lose him. What do you suggest? Thanks! L.
Answer: Dear L.: You can’t lose him…you have never had him. You don’t have a relationship. You never have had one. “Head over heels” isn’t going to cut it and it is time for you to move on. You deserve so much better.
And he’s right about the side effects. I know of someone who died from the side effects. It is a very dangerous drug and not worth the risk to my way of thinking. Since you can’t live within his limitations…wish him well and make room in your life for a normal relationship. Blessings, Luise