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Troubled Teen Advice Regarding Parents’ Divorce

Category: Troubled Teenagers

Question: Dear Luise: My parents have just told us they are getting divorced. My brother is 9 and I am 16. Why don’t we have any rights where this is concerned? All of a sudden we have to have our lives turned upside down just because they don’t like theirs. They made the choice. Nothing will ever be the same…Christmases, birthdays, chores, getting help with problems or sicknesses. Not as we have known it. Instead we will probably have stepparents and stepbrothers and sisters. I know. I have lots of friends who have been through this and were promised the moon. Ha! I hate it! Dwight

Answer: Dear Dwight: Good for you for not lying about this and for not trying to fool yourself that it’s just great. You’re right…it’s not. And there’s also absolutely nothing you can do about your parent’s decision.

This is a very huge, way-to-early lesson in adaptation. You will be leaving home very soon. It’s your little brother that’s going to bear the brunt of this radical change. I have no idea if you two are close or not but if you could give him a hand, it might make all the difference to him.

Can you reassure him that you will always be there for him…that brothers don’t get divorced? Can you also put some of the horror stories you have heard aside and let him know that there is absolutely no way to determine the damage or the benefits that will come from this until you are both looking back at it, years later?

Here’s a “for-instance”. I divorced when my children were close to your ages, one about to leave home and the younger one with time to still put in as a dependent. And, yes, I did remarry. My son’s stepfather did an incredible job of seeing him through his teens and putting him through college. They are still good friends, even though that marriage failed after almost two decades. When my “ex” remarried, he asked my younger son, then grown, to stand up for him. Best man…best friends.

I’m not saying that how it worked out is common, but it’s not impossible something good will come out of what’s going on. Parents are people. They do their best and they deserve a life, too. Please give this your best, too. Blessings, Luise

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2 Comments »

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Comment by Prisoner

January 16, 2008 @ 7:22 am

Hi, I’m crystal. I’m 16 years old and my Mom is so over protecting I cant do anthing. I’ve never been on a date or to a party. Ever since she married this new guy, he won’t let me do anything. What can I do? I’m trapped in my own home. Even prisoners on death row get a little yard time. C.

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Comment by Luise

January 16, 2008 @ 11:15 am

Dear Prisoner: You can put up with it, fight them both tooth and nail 24/7 or run away. Which sounds like the best way to survive? Learn from this. Maybe at 16 you can’t picture yourself as a parent but many girls your age,(unfortunately), already are. And often the reason for that is not *enough* supervision or role-modeling. Learn that caring is painful and parenting is terrifying and that locking kids up seldome proves to be a solution. Learn that kids who fight back 24/7 have horrible lives and those who run often don’t survive. Have compassion for your “instant Dad”, who probably doesn’t have a clue. And as soon as you get through school and are out of there, pat yourself on the back for a job well done. Blessings, Luise

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