Question: Dear Luise: I’m fourteen and I feel like I don’t fit in at home. I need advice about how to survive feeling like an alien with my family. They are all so serious and I like fun. They have so much going on about doing life “right” that I don’t see much life in how they do it. My two sisters are serious and believe they are superior and right. If I didn’t know better, I’d think I was adopted. I don’t think a blue blood family tree makes you better than anyone else. I don’t think grades are everything. I feel like I want to discover and experiment and enjoy. That makes me a problem. Lou
Answer: Dear Lou: The feeling that you don’t fit in and are different is a common and healthy one, I think. We’re all different. Everyplace we go…school, jobs, the homes of friends or even to a store, the way we fit into each situation is unique, because we are.
Growing up is a situation where you have the beliefs and values of your elders superimposed over your own. That’s good in a way, because yours aren’t really developed yet and you need some kind of “operating instructions” until your evolve.
When you can, try for the middle-road. Your parents would probably throttle me for saying so, but don’t buy their points of view lock, stock and barrel. Accept what makes sense and be respectful of what doesn’t. Try to avoid the excess of too much playing at the cost of achievement…without forfeiting the expression the your joy.
We can’t help being a product of our environment but we also have genes, natural preferences and individuality. Cherish yours. Be who you are and know that being different is often being truthful. You aren’t a stamped-out by-product of your home. You’re you.
My teen advice would be to back down often, while you keep in mind that when you are on your own you may decide to do some things differently. All children, and you are still one, need to be sheltered, instructed, supervised and directed. It’s not an easy job. Blessings, Luise
My grand daughter is 16 years old and moved to the western chicago suburbs from New York-she is not fitting in. I am not sure how to talk to her without hurting her feelings. she is quite and New York and New Jersey quick tempered and often does not look approachable. I’ve told her to try to be more open, smile and try to talk to people. I believe she is the victum of how she looks. Her clothes are okay but she often wears these BIG-I hate to say it “ghetto” earings. Well that type of dress in a pro-dominately well-to-do school gives people the wrong impression. I just don’t know what to say or how to help her. Please let me know what can I do. V.
Dear V.: It is usually very hard to make such a radical move at age 16. Your granddaughter probably dresses the way her former friends did and has no idea how to adapt. It’s pretty hard to smile and be sociable unless you feel happy and friendly. My hope is that she might respond to counseling. She may feel that to try to look and act different means she’s no OK. A third-party advocate could be a great help in showing her that she’s up against a lot and has a right to feel defensive but/and there are other options beyond alienation. Blessings, Luise
Dear Luise, I’m a happy girl, my life’s pretty great and I love my family but there’s 1 problem, I have moved 3 times during my life and the 3rd time was just this summer. I’m finding it really hard to fit in where I am right now, I’m 14 years old and I’ve moved to ireland from the U.K, but I am orginally American. I did not find think it was going to be this hard but everything here is so different and I’m really out of my comfort zone. I try to speak to people but they don’t seem to understand and I’m fed up of hearing the same thing. I have friends, but we don’t really have anything in common and I live in a very small town. Because the school system is different I am with people a year younger than me which also makes it harder as sometimes I find them a little immature, I feel really lost sometimes and I miss my bestfriends in the U.K how can I fit in more and meet people my age? U.
U. – There have got to be other girls in the same situation. It sounds like you are on the outside, looking in. Do you have a teacher or pastor that can help you connect with others girls? Even by email. Can you start a group of Americans in Ireland on Facebook? There has to be a way! Don’t give up! Blessings, Luise