My Son Hates Me

Question: Dear Luise: My son is grown, married and has grown children of his own. Yet he seems obsessed with what a bad mother I was. He tells his wife and kids stories of how I upstaged him at his birthday parties, and gave unsolicited advice. He constantly reminds me of phrases I repeat and is always ready to think the worst of me. He tried to poison his brother against me but hasn’t succeeded. I love him dearly and always have. He was a planned for child and a great little kid. I just can’t understand why he can’t let me live in the land of humans, forgive me my trespasses and get on with his life. Will this ever end? Betsy

Answer: Dear Betsy: How incredibly painful to be reminded of every failure without any references and thanks for every success. Parenting, for the most part, is a combination of the two.

You ask when this will ever end…for whom? It may never end for him if he’s really become attached to making you the evil force that was ever-present in his childhood. It can end for you when you’ve had enough. Put him on notice that you are not going to listen to any more of his pitiful, attention getting childishness.

Your son is an adult. His job is to keep what he liked from his upbringing and change the rest. He’s responsible for remaking himself, honing off the rough edges and standing tall without whimpering. If he doesn’t choose to do that, know that you did your part and let it go.

You are not his punching bag and you are not the root of all evil. You did your best and that’s all anyone can expect. There are people out there who were not welcomed into a family the way your son was. There are those who never knew a mom…perfect or otherwise. There are moms who never should have taken on the job and who were really abusive. I’d be willing to put my money on the fact that you’re not one of them.

Make it very clear that you will leave his presence any time he starts in on you. Let him know that you’ve heard all the bad stuff, and he now needs to devote equal time to relating every caring and wonderful thing you ever did. His only other option is silence. Stand by your guns. Blessings, Luise

282 Responses to My Son Hates Me

  1. A. April 4, 2011 at 1:04 pm #

    My son is 30 years old an hates me and wants nothing to do with me. This is all over an and misunderstanding we had over his wedding plans. I do admit I was partly at fault but he won’t even listen to me.

    He changed his phone # so I couldn’t get in touch with him. My sister gave it to me now he won’t have anything to do with her. I sent him Text message saying that I wish him all the happiness in the world and am so sorry all this took place and only hope that one day I will have my son back and hopefully have a relationship with my grandchild. His dad died 18 years ago and I told him both him and I will be with him in spirit on his wedding day.

    This is killing me. I never thought I would ever be in this situation. I have 2 other children who I have a great relationship with. All I know is I want my son back and don’t know how to do that. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about him and want to be a part of his life. I am sick about all this! A.

  2. J. July 22, 2011 at 12:19 pm #

    Dear Luise,
    I am lost. I have a son who does not hang out with friends, and is 18 and scared to leave the house. He blames me for his life. Thus, his abuse dad and I split in his middle school years, he took over dads role of trying to run me and his agressiveness. He was back and forth in high school living with me and his dads parents who enabled him greatly. I am trying to get him on his own. He has a job now… lies to say what I want to hear. I have had it and gave him 30 days to get his own place or pay me $200 per month. He got mad at me b/c I made him return a $130 watch, when his first check was $180, and he has two more weeks to find someplace to live. He got mad at me and bit me. I left him on the street to ride to the house by himself, because I am not going to deal with a ‘rude” 18 yr old child. He was diagnosed with post stress disorder also, I think it is just because he is scared to leave. BUT, why can’t he treat me like a mom? My man hates the way he is to me also. No one else deals with this!J.

    • Luise July 23, 2011 at 8:17 am #

      You have done your best. Young adults make choices that bring consequences. I am so sorry that you are up against such stress. The bottom line is you son has to deal with life whether he wants to or not and how he behaves is about him, not you. Please do everything you can for yourself. You matter and deserve so much better than what you are getting. Blessings, Luise

  3. Linda DeLeo July 24, 2011 at 1:57 am #

    I have been reading these stories because I have almost the same situation. Why is it that so many sons turn on their mothers? It seems you can’t do enough for them and when you can’t do any more, they turn on you like a rabid dog ready to tear you to pieces. Almost everyone here says that they don’t know what they did to deserve the treatment they receive from their sons… maybe they didn’t do anything. Maybe their sons are just selfish, self-absorbed brats who never grew up. Blaming their mothers for what they did or didn’t accomplish in life is how they avoid the responsibility of their own actions or lack thereof. I personally am sick of rotten little boys pretending that everything bad in their lives or everything good that didn’t happen in their lives is because of their mommies. Grow up!

  4. M. August 6, 2011 at 5:12 pm #

    I have an unusual piece of experience that I would like to share with the group in the hope of offering some healing….I have in my possession an email letter written from my son last year, perhaps in some moment of weakness, wherein he lists some of the “good” early childhood memories he holds of me (Mom). In the letter, my son also states he loves me, and that he does not intend to be so distant. Note to all moms reading this: this singular letter stands alone as the only piece of gentle communication I have ever received from him. Aside from this singular letter, my experience has been like that of other moms on this website….I am mocked and hated, disrespected and eliminated. My son does not respond to any of my attempts to connect with him. He has told lies about me to some people, and has denied my very existence on this planet to some others. My son is a capable, competent emerging adult who has treated me with coldness and apathy for the past decade, allowing only very minimal contact. The behavior persists. So my heart is broken, like so many of yours. And yet,…and yet…there is the mysterious matter of a single brief, kindly letter….never again duplicated in thought or action. A letter that I read and reread, hoping to understand how it came to be written in light of the years of other behaviors before and after. So, to all the moms out there whose souls feel trampled….I suggest that there are some elements about our situations that defy comprehension. I wonder if some of our sons have accidentally gotten themselves locked into patterns of behavior that stifle their self-recognition of kernels of love that still exist. M.

    • Luise August 7, 2011 at 8:53 am #

      Please come over to the Web-forum I have created for those of us working through these issues with adult children. http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com
      There is love, undrstanding and support there. Blessings, Luise

  5. M. August 7, 2011 at 9:13 pm #

    Thank you for the invitation, Luise. My son is just 19 years old. During the past decade, I had held out hope that he would mature and accept me once he entered college, but other than the previously described single, kind email to me, his rare communicatons remain as cold and distant as they have been since he chose to live with his father many years ago. Would your “adult children” website be the best-fit recommendation in my case? Do you also manage other websites? I looked at your WiseWomenUnite website, noticing that there were almost 10x the number of member entries on Christmas Day in comparison to today. I almost cried to think of the sadness of that holiday, and of what must also be ahead for me on this continued path of motherhood/isolation. Still, I can see that the purpose of your outreach is to offer healing voices, and I respect your efforts, Luise. So, I will try not to remain negative in my thinking. M.

  6. S. August 10, 2011 at 7:17 pm #

    I stumbled across this forum after a google search one night as I tearfully sat and wondered what was wrong with me, that my eldest (19) son with his years of simmering and sometimes bubbling over anger at society in general could erupt so violently…throwing a chair across the room and screaming expletives at me, and then two days later follow it up with such a hateful, sarcastic and verbally abusive email. He ended the message by saying not to contact him ever again. I have endured a lot in my 53 years, but this brought me to my knees. However, I have come to understand this is about him, not me. He’s a high school dropout living on unemployment with his dad. This kid went to private school, played baseball, then wanted to to row on the school crew team…he did well, so we bought him a scull. Yes, he was wrapped in cotton wool because infertility forced me to wait so long for him. I thought I’d cried enough for him before he even entered this world. Hmm…seems the powers that be didn’t agree. He won’t forgive me for divorcing his dad. He doesn’t understand the years of gambling by his dad lost us everything and only when the house was in foreclosure did I file for divorce. I now work two jobs to support my other two children. Ah, so much stuff…we all have our stories. Bottom line: our children are going to be who they choose to be, just as we did before them. Thank you so much for this website, it soothes my soul to read the posts and feel supported. The only thing I feel I can add to all the suggested coping mechanisms is what I’ve held onto to give me hope. And that is: I know several people who’ve lost their children to accidents or illness. Given the choice, I know each of them would rather suffer the pain of the loss of an estranged child than one who is physically lost to this Earth forever, because where there is life there is hope. Wishing peace for us all. S.

    • Luise August 14, 2011 at 4:15 pm #

      Please come over to my Web-forum at http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com where you will find a supportive community of women who know what you are going through because they are experiencing something similar. The circumstances changed but the experience doesn’t. Blessings, Luise

  7. L. August 30, 2011 at 4:28 pm #

    I think it is most about the chromosome, Y and X (for male) How do they intergrat while in the window of oppoutinity of teen. X-Soft and gentel and compassitnated, if we expouse our kid in volentering, compassion, musical, loving pets well enough, Y-male agression, ego, energy (negative),Sex (insane), the culture here, is go go go, beating, beating beating, in the sport game, in the vidio game, in the gf chasing game and in the violent movies, we expousure them too much of such Y-chomosome applifying envirument. I could see how much my son who strugled between the Y and X when he was 16, every monthe, in few day, he will feeling less active, but with much sould sanity, he could be the perfect of perfect, very caring and gentel and thoughtful. Yet then several days later, he could grow out off it, he is feeling overly good, confident, ego, male kind of beating facial expression and cold and rude. Such exchange goes on for about 2 years, seems graduate dominated with more of ego centric and agreesive side, the by product is negative behavior towards me, a loving single mom. Now, he is 19, in college, in his concept, he loves mom as supposted to be, buy me b-day gift, and christmast gift and Mother day gift but in his uncontoaled behavior, he looked hate, dispise, and angrey and punishing me, F words and agner towards me more and more along with his age… So I believed that is failed or defualted imbalance of intergreting. Now I need to catch the tail of the window of oppotunity. No self pity in front of boy, stand up hight, do not the reactive, love from distance and easy. Alwasy show that you are a very cherished and disirable lade for others and highly respect and treasure yourself, it is the time “ME” in the dictionary first in most of the situation as lone. Just layback and let the story and GENEs unfold itself…We already do every thig and have to have faith and give us the big credit for the job done. The rest, is not what we can control. It is abut the gene, the culture and the enviroumental stimulations. L.

    • L. February 23, 2012 at 2:27 pm #

      Well said. Thank you.

  8. M. September 23, 2011 at 5:35 am #

    My Son hates me…. If you tell someone that they will say no he doesn’t. But yes he does. My Son hates me. How do you live with that pain. I see from this web site that I am not the only one dealing with this nightmare. What did I do wrong, what could I have done differently. My son and I have had conflict for the past fifteen years. I left his father and I am responsible for destroying his childhood. My son is now twenty five is getting married in three weeks. I was originally invited to the wedding and was helping pay for some of it. I was foolish to think that I could ask my son to invite my seven stepdaughter to the church service. Not the dinner, and not the reception, just the church. They are having a NO KIDS wedding. It’s more of a only the kids they want. There is a seven year old flower girl and a six year old ring barer. Our relationship is so fragile that just that one questions has sent him in a rage. He hate me and will not tolerate me any longer. I am fake, manipulative, selfish… I am the worst mother in the world. I am tired of fighting my son, I am tired of apologizing for everything he thinks that I have done or didn’t do or didn’t say right. My son hates me. I feel sorry for him that the carries around so much anger and hate for me but I can see there is nothing I can do. It is what it, My son hate me, is. M.

    • L. August 28, 2013 at 7:01 pm #

      Wow! Your message was like reading my own story, very close to my story with some differences. This is dreadfully painful. I am not living, I am only breathing. L.

      • B. June 1, 2014 at 8:00 pm #

        This is my story too. How do you give up? How do you stop crying? How do you accept it and move through life with one less child?

  9. A. October 9, 2011 at 4:04 pm #

    I commented a few years ago. My son is the one who is HIV+. Things are much, much worse with my son, as I am now partially financially dependent upon him due to illness. I believe much of my illness has to do with the stress my son causes. He is now raving and raving because I am costing him money. I am finally full of anger myself(after 40+ years). He caused it, he can pay for it. I have never in my life blamed others for my difficulties but, his mental abuse has been so extreme and so prolonged that it is obvious that he is actually killing me. If your sons are over 21, please WALK away!! Better yet, RUN! If you don’t, you will shed a million tears and then die. It’s too late for me, but not for you. If you don’t face reality, you will be me in 20,30,40 years. They will not change because they DON’T WANT TO!. The pay-off is too good for them. A.

  10. A. November 24, 2011 at 5:55 pm #

    Bad Thanksgiving. No call from son. Spent day alone.So tired of being hated. I hope all or some of you have had a better day. A.

    • Luise November 28, 2011 at 10:00 pm #

      A. – Come on over to my Web-forum for women who have issues with adult cildren and extended families. There is a lot of caring and sharing going on there. A lot of listening and understanding…and sometimes healing takes place even when things haven’t changed. We are at
      http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com Blessings, Luise

    • P. February 6, 2012 at 7:31 am #

      Don’t worry you are not alone. For the past 6 holidays I spend alone. I have 2 sons gave them a wonderful childhood or so I thought, the only thing I ever did was leave their father and that was for me. Then when the older one did something not nice and he found out I knew he never spoke to me again or gave me a chance or would discuss it? and turned his brother against me and 1/2 the town by lies??? I am disappointed by what he did but he could have fixed it with “I’m sorry” to the person he hurt. I have sent letters, notes and cards presents were returned from the younger son? They are 40 now I cry almost everyday, and the holidays are the worst. I volunteer and am involved in things but I am always on the verge of crying??? Why is all I would like to know that they can so easily seem to do this esp. as soon as they get married? P.

      • Luise Volta February 14, 2012 at 10:46 am #

        P. You may want to come over to my Web-forum at http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com . There is an community there that has similar issues. Blessings, Luise

      • T. February 14, 2012 at 1:47 pm #

        Dear P.

        I’m so sorry for the pain that your son’s caused you. And my son’s as well. It’s so hard for me to understand how we give our children all the love and suport that we can all there life’s and then they turn on us. We will always be there for our children but our children can’t do the same for us. I’m like you P. I cry all the time because I miss and love them. I have 4 son’s and have not seen them for several years now. But I wanted to thank you for talking to me. It lets me know that I’m not alone out here in this big world. Thank You P. Your friend, T.

        • Luise Volta February 14, 2012 at 7:17 pm #

          P and T – You are both invited to join my Web-forum at http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com where the members support each other in getting through issues with adult children and extended families. Blessings, Luise

      • R. February 17, 2012 at 1:11 pm #

        I have read stories on how our sons hate us as mothers. Mine is 43 years old. He is the eldest of 3 sons. I have a great relationship with the 2 youngest sons and their wives. I am so blessed to have 2 great daughter in laws. I have a total of 10 grandchildren. 7 grandaughters and 3 grandsons. My 43 year old son has a son from his first marriage and the boy is 14 years old and we are not allowed any contact since he was 5 years from his first wife. He has remarried and has a step son, a step daughter and a son of 3 years. My son has always hated me from the time he was very young teenager. When he first got married things got worse. He called for me to rescue him because his wife threw him out of the house. He lived with us for 6 months and was very verbally abusive to me. He finally moved out and met a girl with the 2 kids and got married. I paid for his divorce so he could married. He had a stroke last year and both my husband and I thought he would change for the better but it only got worse. He and his wife have now cut us out of their lives for the second time along with his two brothers and their family. His wife is very spoilt and use to getting her own way. She absolutely does not want anything to do with my 2 sons wives or their children.
        I have sent emails and made phone calls to them but all was unanswered. I Did a Christmas card along with money for the kids. They gladly cashed the cheque and we never heard from them. I do a lot of volunteer work to stay busy and try and keep my mind from thinking about him. I cheerish the times that I do spend with the other 2 families but there is always something missing. I cry myself to sleep at night and try and figure out where I went wrong. I gave all 3 boys the best that I could give. They had a very good child hood. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Sometimes I feel I should just give up….but how can you give up on your own flesh and blood.
        My son hates me and he has told me so….so many times. He needs to grow up and quit telling lies about how bad his mother is. R.

        • Luise Volta February 18, 2012 at 10:01 am #

          R – Your son is going to do whatever he is going to do. If rewriting history works for him, along with blaming and rejecting you…that’s the answer for him. He is an adult and is responsible for his own perceptions…you aren’t. You are letting him continue to hurt you and that is unhealthy. If you start into self-pity, weeping because it isn’t fair (and it isn’t), it’s easy to get stuck there. You can let it make you sick and ruin your life, hurting those around you, as well. He has closed the door. He’s an adult. that’s his right whether it makes sense of not, or whether it meets your expectations or not. He isn’t responsible for your expectations. There are many moms who have just one adult child and when this happens they are pretty much alone…and there are others who have several children who all decide to go the route your eldest has. Those women don’t have the loyalty and love from the rest of their kids like you do. Let go of him and let go of feeling sorry for yourself. I have been through the same thing and it’s the only was through it and out the other side that I know of. Blessings, Luise

        • T. February 20, 2012 at 5:21 am #

          Hi R,

          I’m so sorry that you’r son is acting the way he is. Has he told you the true reason why he feels the way he does? Sometime’s we have to be much more then there mother’s. What I mean is stop trying so hard to understand them. I finally just stop trying. I was so hurt and worried about the lose of my first son’s feelings that I forgot that I am more then a mother. I live and breath and I’m a human with hopes and dreams just like my son’s. We are beautiful woman, and we are more then wife’s and mother’s. And life go’s on no matter what we do. We can choose to live it or let someone else take that from us. My son and his wife had told me several times to stay away from there family, stop calling and just leave them alone. So I did just that. I focused on my husband and my other sons and there familys. I no longer cry each night and worrie about what I did wrong. Because I relized that I did nothing wrong, and I don’t think you did anything wrong either. And after some time of backing off from them I got a phone call from my daughter in law wanting me to look at some pictures of the grandkids. I’m not saying I would not respond to my son when and if he needs me, what I am saying is that I no longer will drop eveything and focues on my grown son or son’s because life is to short and I want to be part of it as a woman first now. We did our jobs picking up our children when they needed use. We love them. We kissed there tear’s away when they need us to, and we always will. But it’s our time again. you have a good man beside you that you can focuse on. Be the woman now that he see’s you as and I know we are.. Love and best wishes. T.

  11. C. December 7, 2011 at 7:33 pm #

    Like the rest here, my son hates me….and I am beginning to hate him. He blames me for being a horrid mother…but heaven knows I did my very best…I had a husband who traveled and was not home for many days each month. When he did come home he told me that he would not be the ‘enforcer’ but the ‘good guy.’

    My son never, ever listened or obeyed, but ran beserk – especially when he was a teen. I was terrified of being alone with him when his dad was out of town. My son divorced his wife – and I’m sure it had a lot to do with his attitude…He constantly harps I tried ‘control.’… him…Just recently he’s brought up his grandmother in the same light as he sees me. I honestly believe he hates women.

    At any rate, I have no guilty feelings. I believe that my son is a very mentally sick individual and I feel sorry for him. He has thrown his family under the bus… C.

    • A. December 19, 2011 at 7:00 pm #

      The book, The Whipping Boy. Father: Good guy. Mother: Witch A.

  12. A. December 13, 2011 at 2:15 am #

    Wow, I feel better after reading this.
    My Son does not like me either. He is 17 and will be 18 in a little over 30 days. I find my self counting the days and marking them off the calendar like I was counting down a prison term. I am seriously thinking of giving him an eviction notice for his birthday.
    I am so very very sad.
    He was such a sweet kid. My only one. Had his when I was 30 and that was it. The sun rose and set on hiim. We were buds and did a bunch of stuff together.
    Now, I think he would pee on my grave if I died tomorrow.
    He has a girlfriend that ran away from home and an alcoholic mother and dropped out of scchool when she was 16. She has bounced around here and there, but all in all she is not a bad person. Very sweet, has a job, works hard etc. But my son thinks that just because I am not working at the moment that I should take her back and forth to work, shopping, to eat, in addition to taking him where he needs to go.(You are not doing anything important, why can’t you take her) He also thinks that she should live here with us!

    Oh Ladies, I could go on and on and on, like many of you…..

    I just can’t take it anymore. He doesn’t he dictates. He does not appreciate anything. They, against my repeated displeasure, insist on having sex when I am at home and make sure that I hear it. If I say no, then he will start tearing things up. Once he said he would hurt my little dog. In the last few weeks it has escalated to him hurting my in a physical way. Pushing, slamming doors on me, or throwing things at me.

    I lost my own Mother just a year ago and between that and this I am ready to end it all. I know for a fact that I don’t deserve this kind of treatment. My heart is broken in so many little pieces I don’t think it can ever go back together.

    Yes, I am angry too. My husband has called the police twice. They say if they come here again that they are taking him to jail. I so don’t want to put my child in jail because he is a butt.

    I am lost.

    He has been kicked outo of school, suspended, and now I can hardly get him to go. He only has 6 months left. A.

    • Luise Volta December 18, 2011 at 11:52 am #

      A. You are in crisis and this is not the place to get the help you need. Yes, you do deserve so much better. Your son needs to be on his own and learn what life is all about and you probably need to learn the differnece between love and enabling. Both of them are minors as you know and need help of a kind you are unable to offer. (I wouldn’t be able to either,)

  13. A. December 18, 2011 at 12:14 pm #

    Thank you for your reply.
    It was so late when I was typing, and reading it now I see where I made many mistakes. My apologies.

    I just felt so lost and so alone It has been difficult for us since my Mom passed away so suddenly.

    It is clear from your post that you feel that this is not where I should seek comfort. So I will thank you for the opportunity, say good bye and keep counting the days.

    I am at 31 now. A.

  14. A. December 19, 2011 at 6:54 pm #

    There is a book titled The Whipping Boy. It’s an old one, but should be available on Amazon. Many of you will think you wrote it. I also plan to read it again. Almost Christmas. My son no longer calls weekly. He managed to start an argument during his last call, which, this time, I was also up for (very unusual for me). I expect the end result to be that he will probably limit his calls to holidays and, maybe my birthday. Incremental abandonment, I guess. He is pushing 50 and is a bitter old man. I’ve mentioned before that my worst crime was divorcing his father. I’m at a point where, if my son didn’t have an illness that may take his life, I would tell him the entire story of my 22 year marriage to the monster he called Dad. Maybe I will write my own book, but probably couldn’t relive the past 47 years. I pray for my child daily and will continue to do so, no matter how he treats me. I’m praying for all of you also and i hope Christmas will be ok for you. A.

  15. T. January 1, 2012 at 6:19 am #

    I have been reading all the messages here and I know I’m not alone. My son is 36 and has two daughrters. The oldest child (A.) was not planned and she is 15 now. All her life the child has been talked down to. There was never a day that the child was not screemed at calling her stupid, and worse from both parents. But over the last year my grandchild has ask and begged me to help her. I know for a fact that she is being hit in the face by my son. I have called the police and they came out and took pictures of her face and legs. My son called and screemed calling me every thing by human. A. has had such a poor life being molested for a few years by her mothers brother in law. and now because the state I live in has no grandparents wrights, I’m no longer aloud to talk or see her. My son will be going to jail and that makes it worse on A. My daughter in law plans on sending A. to the sisters home to live when my son gos to jail. My so was told by A. by the say that A. is a compulsive lier. The youngest child is 10 now and can do no wrong no matter what it is. My son and his wife, can set a see the youngest one do something wrong when they ask her why she did it S. will say it was because A. told her to do it and they attack A. I just do not know what to do anymore. My son has disowned me and will not talk to me at all. I know this isn’t so much about my son hating me but I just am looking for someone to just hear me. T.

    • Luise Volta January 14, 2012 at 1:04 pm #

      T. You have been heard and I am sending you love and understanding. If you think it would help, please join my Web-forum: http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com so you can relate to a supportive community of woman who had had to face many such difficult times. You don’t have to face this alone. Blessings, Luise

  16. K. March 4, 2012 at 10:59 am #

    My son who is the center piece of my life hates me. My husband and I are divorcing and I thought I would have a chance to renew the relationship with my son given some time without my husband around. How wrong I was. My son is leaving with my husband and wants nothing to do with me. I am crying myself to sleep and waking up crying in the morning. I can’t bear the thought of not seeing him. He is only 16. Help me. K.

    • Luise Volta March 5, 2012 at 11:09 am #

      K – Please come over to my Web-forum community for women who have issues with their maturing childen and extended families. You may find the support you need there. Many have. Blessings, Luise

      • K. March 13, 2012 at 11:42 am #

        Thank you Luise, I will do that. Blessings to you as well. K.

    • T. March 6, 2012 at 7:40 am #

      Dear K.

      Do you know why your son is acting the way he is towards you? My youngest son was 14 when I moved out and he stayed with his father because he was scared his father would not take care of him self after I left. He was scared his father would starve him self to death, or do any basic care for him self. This was my sons own words to me. My son was so worried that his father would starve because he did not know how to cook. It didn’t happen, hes fat and happy now. Kids do not think that there parents are just as human as they are. They need to be told that you are a human being with feeling and have pain just like the kids do and that your scared and your feelings are hurt and get hurt just as his do. They don’t even consider or fantom that we bleed the same as them. If you do not know why he feels the way he does then you need to set him down and ask him whats the problem. Explain to him the you to are just as human and are just as scared as he is. And just because your a mother doesn’t mean that your feeling don’t get hurt that same as his. I send you love and hope the best for you K. Your friend for life. T.

      • K. March 9, 2012 at 8:48 am #

        Dear T,

        Thank you for the kind email. I have tried to talk to my son about things, but when he starts drinking again, he resorts back to the past. He needs AA and counseling. I am caught up in a rip tide between the ex husband and son. The ex “taught” my son to hate me, and there is nothing I can do. I know it sounds crazy but I do feel that my son has feelings of hatred toward me. My ex played the “victim” and for years whined and moaned about paying child support and alimony. (He is the one who directed his attorney to pay alimony to me, I never asked for it). Several years back my son lashed out at me and said “you take all my dad’s money.” And of course he was drinking, but I have heard the old “cliche,’ the truth comes out when a person is drunk.” I hope that is just a cliche’ because I never asked for anything. It was “blood money,” because I know my husband felt guilty for leaving me and the kids for another woman. Now the guilt has turned to anger and resentment. I never got remarried, or even dated anyone for the longest time. When I was raising my children all the men within my age group were looking to get married and have children of their own. I had my tubes tied, due to being high risk, and having another child was life threatening. The minute I told them the truth, they were gone from my life. I am alone, and did nothing but raise my children, and now my son is accusing me of abuse. I feel my life has been nothing but stolen from me. Love to you to T. Your friend for life. K.

  17. S. March 16, 2012 at 12:21 pm #

    I also have a son who hates me or so it seems.I can’t have a conversation with him without getting into an arguement.I left his dad when my sons were 4 an 5 years old giving their dad custody only because I was not a worker an so young that I thought I was doing the right thing.Afterwards I knew I didn’t do the right thing.I would go an see them every 2 weeks faithfully.I was 19 when I had my 1st son an 20 with my 2nd.I thought I was in love but I was abised by my stepfather an quit school run away from home an found this man I thought I loved only to realize I just was trying to escape.I love my kids soooo much an would die for them.I later met a wonderful man that I have been married to for 24 years almost now an he has been there for me with my son ever since they were little,therefore helping me to see them ,buy them cloths,anything they needed.I wanted to get custody back but couldn’t do it until my oldest son was 14 an so i got both my sons back an supported them sent them to scholl an let them do sports an everything..It got to the point that as they got older they seem to disrespect me more an more an for some reason my husband I guess not wanting my son to hate him would side with them alot an be little me in front of them an take their side which only made things worse.I finally had enough one day with my oldest son was 18 an had finished scholl an had disrespected me so bad that I just told him to get out.I love him but I just could not deal with the pain an hurt any longer.Anyway he goes off to the Navy for 4 years gets out starts his on family an is doing very well..but the thing is everytime we talk he brings things up from the past or talks down to me or just disrespects me .He does not to it to anyone else but me in the family.I just don’t understand it.Everytime I try to talk to him he tells me It is me or my faukt or I’m crazy an need help an he goes around putting me down in front of others where others are saying things like ..Why is she like that,but the only hear what he says an does not know me or the situation.I don’t know what else to do.I love him an he has my grandchild which thank God I get to still see her even though we are the way we are,but I am in tears an I hurt an am depressed all the time not wanting to do anything.We just lost our home an now are living in a trailer which makes things even harder for me as I feel like a big failure.Please don’t think I feel sorry for myself it is not that .It is just that I am so Tireddddd,an I am at the end of my rope.Anyway I just seen where others have wrote in an wondered if there is anyone else out there that is in a situation like mine.Thanks for readind an hearing me vent.S.

    • Luise Volta March 17, 2012 at 4:56 pm #

      S. – Please come over to my Web-forum for women who are facing issues with adult children and extended families. I think you will find support and understanding there. We are at http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com Blessings, Luise

  18. R. May 25, 2012 at 12:26 pm #

    I have read these stories and my heart just breaks seeing all the troubles and struggles mothers have to cope with. One thing for sure, we are responsible for our kids only up to a certain point. When they grow up, it remains their own choice what to do. I deeply believe that most of them will have a clear view sooner or later. May all of you find peace in your lives and live with the thought that despite of all our failures, we have tried our best.

    We all sometimes make mistakes, as we are all humans, so do our kids. R.

  19. M. September 21, 2012 at 11:00 am #

    I am50 years old with a son who hats me to.i have gave him every thing ,payed his bills bought thing for his house,that i gave him .he has just gotten worse.works when he wants ,.the other day he wanted me to buy him a new truck i told him no the was breaking me money wise. i cry all the time i dont no why he want grow up and pay his on way .he is not dumb has a good job when he wants to just want keep them .i just found out he stoled frome me .he payed his phone bill with my bank acount .i caught it .now he told me he hates me and i am dead to him to never call him.this is not the first time ,u see he will only call when he needs money.i am to the point with him i just dont care to put up with this any more son or no son .love him but hate the way he is. M.

    • Luise Volta October 21, 2012 at 6:21 pm #

      M – My take is that we are responsible for dependent children but not for adult children. He has lessons to learn and you have a life to live.

    • T. October 22, 2012 at 5:37 am #

      Hi M,

      Sounds like he is just spoiled. Do not give into his spoiled childness ways. It sounds like you have given him every thing but some tuff love. He has never been forced to grow up. My oldest son was the same way until I was forced to see that I had given him everything that he wanted and and ways always giving him money to take care of him and his girlfriends. Now I told him that I will no longer do that and he will have to take care of things him self. I have had to call the police on him for taking my money about a year ago. But its was hard but now he holds a full time job and knows he can’t push me around anymore. He tells me that he loves me and we have a better understanding and we are closer now then ever. Make him grow up. He will always be you baby, but he is a grown man and now he needs to act like it. He does not hate you. He hates the fact that you are making him grow and learn and act like an adult… Good Luck and stand strong girl, you can do it…T.

  20. C. March 31, 2013 at 6:31 pm #

    I feel your pain. My son has shut out our entire family. To the point that he did not attend his grandfather’s funeral. He was very close to the family until he got married. It is only by the grace of God that I am still standing. Our entire family aches and is mystified by his rejection. Our dispute was over seeing my grandchild. We were told we asked to see him and my son would feel guilty for not bringing him by and that interfered with their marriage. A big blow up over not being included in his first bday and it has been over a year since we have even seen a picture. We are allowed to text my son from time to time. He does not respond. I can only offer you the advise to remember the love you have given to him and pray that God will remind him of that as well. C.

  21. B. June 16, 2013 at 12:44 pm #

    I was physically and mentally abused by my parents – my mother tore at the acne on my face even after surgery I have scars) and my father beat all of us including mom. I got married early at 18 after I was impregnated by a boyfriend who wanted to avoid the Vietnam war and stay in the UofP area for college. Stupid of me to just want someone to need and love me, because, thank god, I have a brain. Husband cheated. A lot. He found another woman. I wanted to go to college too and was accepted at UofP with a scholarship. He made my life hell. Drugs. Physically abusive I quit college to care for my son after his dad left and I found feminism and other women as well, this time for myself. Felt guilty and made sure his dad saw him weekly. Fast forward to my son’s 14th birthday. I had worked myself through nursing school, bought a car and a house. Tried to do what my son wanted (be normal) and even got a boyfriend. He was my buddy and then he was angry angry angry. I was the cause of all the family trouble, he said. If only I could do what his dad had wanted. Stay home, keep quiet, accept. I said if he wanted to live like his dad he could live with him. So after asking for help with the boy, (declined) I said ok maybe you guys should be together and,I thought, his dad would have to help him. Worked for a little while, but was the beginning of our separation. Son became further and further estranged but did ok in school and got into college. I got cancer. Survived. Exhusband said how could that be. I must be lying. Son saw me in the hospital but bought his father’s lies. He was told that I was lying because I did not want my family to know – didn’t trust they would help me, only hurt me – as they had done with other things in the past. After the cancer, we had a major blowout because I thought I was gonna die and really spoke my mind to his father. And later to my son after a really nasty visit. Son is now in his late 40′s and married for the second time – we are all estranged since that time and I have never met my grandsons (2) although throughout the years I have made trips to see my son and his family but he refused me. Lord knows I am not perfect but I loved that child and gave him my heart. Let him go to live with his dad – do not know if that was right or wrong but my son is financially successful (we all are) has from all accounts a good family on his second try and is good to his children. I thank god for that. He has a landline he leaves open and I keep on leaving messages from time to time. I will always keep on trying. I pray one day there will be a knock at the door or a phone call. I will always love him.

  22. S. June 28, 2013 at 12:23 am #

    My son is 14. He ran away last night he said he hates me as i am always shouting at him. he said he is not happy here.my husband is worried that he might do it again. I really don’t know what to do !!!!! Can anyone help us please. S.

  23. J. July 22, 2013 at 11:31 am #

    My son is 41years old he was never any problem until he reached 30 years of age, his wife had left him the year befor and had taken his two Young children and I left his father the following year after being maried for 30 years, and unhappy for about 20 but keept this from my children my oldest was 30 and my jungest was 20 years old , she said to me mum I can see how unhappy you are why don’t you Leve dad and get on with your life this was the what I was waiting for , so I left closing my buissnes that I ran from home and I had to got a job to look after my self. And I did. My son s problems started after I left his father he said that he now hates women. But over the last 8 years he now hates his two brothers and trid to kill me by making a rop out of a tee shirt and placing around my neck and pulling has hard as he could the only thing that saved me was I realised in time and put my hand up by my face so I had my hand inside the rope he maid . He goes round to his brothers houses and kick there door and keeps wanting to fight them they have now had to take out injucsion against him with a power of arest. He has been saying he will kill his 4 children and all of us he said he wants to die but he wants to kill us and then get the polic to kill him he has over 400 knives and cross boys he also stabed himself infront of me a put a 4 inch dager strit into his stomack the police have been called about 20 or 30 times over the years he was tee total till he was 30 he as being narsistick, when he tried to kill me and stabbed him self trid to get him secstioned, but was told they coul not because he knows what he is doing I have tried every one for help and they say that they can no do any think. He says he his going to go on a rampage and start killing every one, he also keeps looking at news papper cuting about people that have gone on a rampage and killed lots of people . He has done so much it would take allday to put it in righting.
    He is now to hearing his 18 year old dourghter by texting and phoning saying he will kill her mother and her brother, she is now becoming ill, I do not know whear to turn when some one goes on a rampage they always say they should have seen the sines and some one should have done SOMETHINK I have begged for help from doctors police and any one that will listen, but they say they can not do any think till he does SOMETHINK, but he as tried to kill me and stabbed him self. Sorry about the spelling and gramer I’m dislecik.

    Please can some one help me befor it is to late, and some one gets killed. The police had taken his weapons from him when he stabbed him self but then had to give them back to him when he demanded them. He as sords cross bows Rambos nives flick knives and to many to name. Abou 400. Please give me some help, or some one to contact that can help. Thank you. J.

    • Luise Volta July 25, 2013 at 5:51 pm #

      This in not the place to come with your situation. This is life threatening and you are in crisis. Call a Crisis Line, or see an attorney or even 911. There are places for people to hide. Blessings, Luise

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