Question: Dear Luise: My son is grown, married and has grown children of his own. Yet he seems obsessed with what a bad mother I was. He tells his wife and kids stories of how I upstaged him at his birthday parties, and gave unsolicited advice. He constantly reminds me of phrases I repeat and is always ready to think the worst of me. He tried to poison his brother against me but hasn’t succeeded. I love him dearly and always have. He was a planned for child and a great little kid. I just can’t understand why he can’t let me live in the land of humans, forgive me my trespasses and get on with his life. Will this ever end? Betsy
Answer: Dear Betsy: How incredibly painful to be reminded of every failure without any references and thanks for every success. Parenting, for the most part, is a combination of the two.
You ask when this will ever end…for whom? It may never end for him if he’s really become attached to making you the evil force that was ever-present in his childhood. It can end for you when you’ve had enough. Put him on notice that you are not going to listen to any more of his pitiful, attention getting childishness.
Your son is an adult. His job is to keep what he liked from his upbringing and change the rest. He’s responsible for remaking himself, honing off the rough edges and standing tall without whimpering. If he doesn’t choose to do that, know that you did your part and let it go.
You are not his punching bag and you are not the root of all evil. You did your best and that’s all anyone can expect. There are people out there who were not welcomed into a family the way your son was. There are those who never knew a mom…perfect or otherwise. There are moms who never should have taken on the job and who were really abusive. I’d be willing to put my money on the fact that you’re not one of them.
Make it very clear that you will leave his presence any time he starts in on you. Let him know that you’ve heard all the bad stuff, and he now needs to devote equal time to relating every caring and wonderful thing you ever did. His only other option is silence. Stand by your guns. Blessings, Luise
Dear Luise: Thank you so much for responding to me(5657). I love this site; realize I’m not alone with this heartbreaking problem. Since I last wrote things have taken a tricky turn. My eldest son (who hates me) has become very friendly with my second son. They had a falling out many years ago due to his really bad behavior when my youngest son had a serious accident. They have patched it up in recent times but as both live in different parts of the country, meetings were sporadic. Now my eldest son is manipulating his brother as I have taken his pleasure away by cutting loose three years ago. My second son wants me to send birthday presents & cards to my eldest boy’s teenage children. They are eighteen; sixteen; I haven’t had contact in that time. They are lovely but I fear they have been “got at” – I’m sure, actually. I have been rebuilding my life, my health has improved enormously (chronic fatigue)I even have a gorgeous little poodle! And, I have found this site! I don’t know what to do here as I feel my son is a bit like a stalker – he can charm the birds out of the trees. He is a high-flier; works in finance, is a kind; loving father; husband. I’m pleased with that – I wish I could stop him hating me, but you see, I can’t. Should I contact his children? I really feel confused. R.
Dear R.: I think it would be a good idea to tell your other son that you aren’t willing to discuss it with him…any of it…ever and then stick to your guns. There’s a chance he will pass on your conversations to his brother and that will create what is called “triangulation.” You don’t need the “he said/she said game” no matter how well intended. Wait. If your grandchildren want to contact you, they will. And if and when they do, set up the same rules. You are doing very well. Keep up the good work…there is life after parenting! Blessings, Luise
Dear Luise: Thank you for your insight. I am standing firm, saying nothing. I am marching to a different drum now. Feel heaps more peaceful now I am not on the roller coaster – its a good place to be. Thought the photo of you and your son was lovely, so pleased you put it up. Thanks again for your encouragement. I do appreciate it. R.
Dear R.: You’re welcome. If you have read all of the posts under “My Son Hates Me” you know that I have “been there and done that.” My eldest son, who passed away eight years ago from sleep apnea, thought I was the world’s worse mom and my younger son, who designed my website and who’s picture you saw with my bio, thinks I am the world’s best mom. I am probably neither! Blessings, Luise
Dear Luise: In desperation I turned to the internet. My son is an only child. His father and I divorced when he was about 13years old due to his father’s dalliance with the 17 year old baby sitter.My son is now 37 and due to be married in two days. His partner is a wonderful girl and she and I have a great relationship. From the time I seperated from my ex husband I have worked to create a life that my son could enjoy and inherit. He works with me as my General Manager of my company and excels in his position. My company is now worth a significent amount of money, yet he abuses me on a daily basis, is aggressive towards me and any problems that the company has he blames and berates me. My heart breaks because I did this all for him.I love him unconditionally. Yet..he seems to despise me. With two days to go to his wedding I feel that he would be happier if I did not go which of course is out of the question. His father who has done nothing for my son over the last 24years (is flying over for the wedding with his now wife the ex baby sitter) which seems completely acceptable to my son. I just need to ask why does my son hate me? My business has made him a wealthy man!I have always loved him and put him first. I am suffering from an illness at present which my son does not and will not acknowledge, instead he berates me for it. Help. K.
Comment to K. I remember the first time I wrote and how anxious I was to hear back from anyone. I am certainly not Luise with her wisdom but I feel your pain. Let me say first and loudly: You do not deserve this! This is NOT normal. It is HIS problem.
Now on to my thoughts about your situation: It’s unusual to read about the work connection but here you so have the upper hand. If it was me I would have a meeting with him and advise him that he no longer had permission to treat me like “family” in the office and if he couldn’t treat me with respect he needed to treat my position with respect. That he was being formally advised that he was on a probation for ____ months and that it would be reviewed at that time. And during the probation there would be certain insubordination that would result in an immediate dismissal. That from this day forward you will treat him as you do any other valued employee in the company and that you hope your business association will continue for a long time but that his behavior in the office will determine the outcome amd that you as the owner would be the person making that determination. Have him sign it like you would any one. You might even suggest he take the rest of the day off to think about things and that you look forward to a new day of mutual respect in the morning. Then stick to it. I can’t help but think his behavior is causing all sorts of under lying problems with co workers not appreciating how he treats you. J.
You didn’t build a company being weak and there is no good reason to accept his behavior any place but this is your company.
I think you ought to trust your business sense here and the rest will follow. I’m not saying he will change, my son never has, I’m saying the pain will stop. Yes, stop. It’s replaced by a saddness for the situation but the pain is gone.
Dear K, again: For me….a lot of the pain that I mentioned would be gone was the embarrassment, quilt and perceived responsibility I had was about my anger and bewilderment about my allowance of it. I didn’t just dislike his behavior, I disliked my behavior. As I learned to stop in various ways I noticed that the more I didn’t allow the less power he had over me. In other words, I played a major role in allowing or handing over my power. The good news about that realization was I DID have control over myself. I quit keeping the secret about my bad or no relationship with my son. Now when people ask me if I have children….I say simply yes one son. If for some reason there needs more explanation I say that my son and I are estranged which is working for both of us. People don’t inquire further and I’ve found that they often will share similiar family estrangements. Every family or extended family has something for some reason. My family and friends seldom bring him up as they are more than disgusted with his behavior towards me. They are happy to see me not miserable any more. J.
Dear K,: I agree with J. regarding separating business from family and requiring dignity and respect in the workplace. I believe I would check with an attorney, first, to be sure I took the right steps in the right order. Your son has a right to fire you as his “Mom.” You have the right to fire him as a dysfunctional and disruptive member of the firm. Blessings, Luise
Dear Luise, How amazing it was to find this site and all the other Moms suffering like I am. Maybe it was God’s answer to my prayers for help, that at least, I no longer feel so alone with my situation with my son who is my oldest child. My precious son, who is in the military, is a high achiever, and tends to be a perfectionist, unleashed on me after spending a week with us over the Christmas holidays because I suggested he needed to see a doctor as he was so sick. He seemed to go into a rage and I haven’t seen or had any communication with him since he left, without saying goodbye, on December 27, 2008. I wrote him an email and told him that I was sorry for whatever I had done to cause him to be so angry with me and that I was sorry for anything I had ever done in his life to cause this kind of anger against me. I have heard nothing from him. My heart is broken. I only knew he was physically feeling so bad and I wanted him to get some help. (He did see a doctor a few days later and texted his Dad that he waa diagnosed with strep throat.) My son is 28 years old, has been deployed to the war in the desert twice. I have been there to see him off, each time, and I have been there to wait for him to step off the plane when he returned. I sent packages filled with treats and things I thought he would use and make him feel loved and make him feel a little closer home. I love him so very much. I prayed for him, asked others at our church to remember him in their prayers – and they did just that-, for which he has never said thank you. He has two failed marriages under his belt. The first one lasted two years, to the day, of their marriage, the second lasted about six weeks. He is now dating a wonderful, Christian girl, who seems to have stopped communicating with me/us now, as well. I just don’t know what I’ve done to cause this kind of anger and hatred. I’ve only loved him more than my own life. He was raised in a loving, stable, Christian home. His Dad is just as bewildered by his behavior as I am, but clearly, his rage is directed at me, not his Dad or anyone else, just me. It seems I am the one to receive the blame for disappointments in his career and his difficulties with his personal relationships. I think he has difficulty getting along with others he works with in the Air Force, as well as his personal relationships. I love my son. My heart is broken over our broken relationship and over what? I just don’t know what I’ve done, except love and care for him. We lost our baby boy 14 years ago and this feels so much like I’ve lost another son. The grief and pain is real again. Thank you for letting me share. May God bless us all. B.
Dear B. Usually when this kind of thing happens, any small thing can set it off. Your son was ready to blow…more than ready. It’s useless to try to make any sense of it and a total waste of energy to try to figure out what you have done. (Probably nothing.) Your son has difficult issues in getting along with others. It often works well to find someone to blame. Who better than the person closest to him since birth? Surely if you had done things right, he’d be having the time of his life. Right? Growing up can be very, very hard. The military expects a lot of it’s men…as do wives. Most little boys adore their moms and grow up thinking they can do no wrong. The break from dependency to being independent isn’t easy. Skills have to be acquired and there can be endless bumps in the road. My guess is that your son still has a lot to learn. Remember when you were 28? How much did you know? How much did you think you knew? Wait. Leave him alone and wait. I know that sounds awful but this isn’t about you, it’s about him. It’s his path. He may come back to you. It’s his choice. Blessings, Luise
2-24-09 – This comment from “D.” was accidentally deleted and then retrieved.
Question: Dear Luise: I have been reading all the above… and my heart goes out to all of you. Yet in my selfish way, I too would like to tell my story… boring as it might be. I would like feedback, good or bad… if bad.. I can handle it. I need it. I have to resolve this thing or go nuts. So, here goes: I have 3 sons ages 21, 30, and 31. 6 years ago I lost my daughter… she would get mad at me for not letting her do what she wanted. I set out rules. She called the police on me and falsely accused me of child abuse 3 times. The 3rd time took. I was handcuffed, finger printed… photoed… and spent the night in jail. That was not painful enough… my 2nd son had already left me because he did not want to help me by babysitting his sister after school until I got home. Divorced. Single Parent. My 1st Son had a great mind. He went to Medical school and became a Doctor. 2 weeks ago I was Allowed to babysit my grand-daughter. 2nd time in the 2 years and 2 months of her life. I later found out my daughter-in law’s family were not available. Anyway… (I am trying to keep this short). That night I had the baby in bed when the phone rang. I went to answer but by the time I found it in the kitchen they had hung up. I thought… wow… I need to have a piece of paper and pen in case someone else calls… After all… my son is a Dr. and it might be an emergency. The piece of paper I found on the counter was a receipt for items donated to Goodwill. At that time in my heart I was so proud of them. Then the list became familiar. This is the list of everything that I gave them (including my grand-daughter) for Christmas. I am not of the social and financial status as my son. I waited 2 weeks to ask. One night I just had to know why everything I gave them went to Goodwill. I called my son at nine PM.
I said “this is hard. I don’t even know where to start… BUT I was not being nosy when I saw the Goodwill donation.. and it was everything I gave your family for Christmas… what is the deal?” He replied “I don’t know what you are talking about. 2 minutes he called me back (obviously in another room) and said to me: “How ___ing dare you call me at this hour about something so petty. Don’t ever call me again and you will never see me again. And, you will never see your grand-daughter again… and your grand-daughter that my wife is pregnant with right now, you will never lay eyes on her. And you know what… when you die… none of your kids will be at your funeral… because we all Hate you.” WOW… can anyone tell me what I did to deserve this? I know that I should have never seen the list…but it was in plain sight. I am now wondering if that was not intentional! D.
Answer: Dear D.: Education isn’t everything, is it? You didn’t do anything to deserve that except ask a question. Perhaps it was unwise to confront him but if he was that ready to attack you, my guess is that any small thing you might have said or done could and would have been used as justification for war, eventually. I doubt that he can speak for your other kids. You will just have to wait and see. We don’t get to vote when this kind of thing happens. It’s a unilateral decision based on emotions, not logic. We do have to comply because it’s not possible to have a relationship with someone who won’t relate back. Hold your head up high and go on. You have a lot more class than the “classy doc” does! Blessings, Luise
Help me, my son is almost 18. I love him more than life itself. He is my world. I also have two other children who are younger. I was just 18 when I had my son. He has been brought up in a loving, happy family. Five years ago I lost my mum. 3 years later my dad. I always had support from my parents with all my children but now I feel have none. My husband is good. He has brought up my son for the last 18 years. When my son was 8, we told him that he was adopted by my husband. They were always close. A year ago my son met his real dad, who is taking interest in him, but my son seems to have got with the wrong group of friends. He has started to talk down to me in front of my family. He belittles me and has no respect to how I’m feeling. I feel like I am something he just stepped in. I’m not sure why he is doing it, as all I have done is loved him. I am now at the end of my tether. I feel alone. I feel I would be better with my parents than here. L.
Friends….This is their sickness, not yours. My son is 44 and has been cruel to me in every way since the age of 13. I suffer every day because of him. If I had to do it again, I would have ended my relationship with him when he turned 21. I was abused as a child and was determined that my child would never know the pain of being unloved. I devoted my life to him, while at the same time, tried to teach him to get along without me. His father was a woman hater who was very disrespectful to his mother. The father is dead now and, of course he is now a saint. Of all the horrible crimes I’ve committed, divorcing my son’s dad was the worst. The man was a brute who acted nice when his son was around. My son now has HIV and uses it as his latest weapon. I’ve tried to hang on, in case he needs me to take care of him. But I can’t take anymore and I think he will have to die alone, just as I will. He is the one who has made these ugly choices all these years. Between my abusive, alcoholic family and my abusive son, I can only hope I won’t have to live much longer. I hope those of you who are younger won’t live with this for 44 years. Your sons are using your fears of abandonment, in addition to your love for them. I know all of you are good mothers, just as I know that I was a good mother. I made my mistakes. Sometimes, I lost my temper and always apologized. I believed that parents should respect their children and that the children would then return that respect. This is probably true with normal children, but not with the wilfull narcissists that we have either raised or been burdened with. My son just called. I cringe when I know it’s him on the phone. Glory be! He is in a good mood. No fight. No ugly comments. No hate today. Next time, who knows? A.
Answer: Dear L.: The way you ended your comment tells me that you need help yourself before we look at what your son is doing. You still have other children to raise, your work isn’t done and having an acting-out teenager isn’t the end of the world. (Or shouldn’t be.) You need to see a counselor immediately to deal with you depression or despair or whatever it is that is making you not want to go on. I never respond to those kind of comments. You need a professional. Blessings, Luise
Answer; Dear A.: I agree with you that there should be “life after parenting” and that we are the only ones who can draw the line. Those who do the damage may be damaged themselves, but that is no excuse for perpetuating the pathology. Hurting us doesn’t help them. Blessings, Luise
Hi everyone. I read a lot of the stories and I saw my story in a lot os them. I however have been trying to see what exactly happen to me that I pass to my son. Not that gives him the right to accuse me, hate and disrespect me the way he is doing and have been doing, but in order to forgive myself of any wrong doing and him so I can move on without hating him or making myself miserable, I decided to investigate possibilities. I was raised by a mother that in my opinion did not like me and spend 47 yrs of my life not really having a talking to her much. I wanted but it was very hard, she never really look for me… never really care in my opinion and I did pass this feelings to my kids. I did talk bad about my mother to my kids. Today, my mother is very sick, she is going through a very tuff time, she asked to see me, I wen and in 2 seconds I was ok with her. All I needed was for her to want me. Now, she does and I am ok with that, but my kids, do not understand that. I never separated them from the grandmother. NEVER. They lover her and she learn to love them slowly. No, my SON. MY EX, and it seam that we are always single parents. Yes, my ex, was an irresponssible, drug user, that use to say to me:” leave the kids alone, they are like chikens, if you leave them in the pation they will survive” Sorry I am Brazililian and the translaton might not be perfect. Anyhow, My ex, for 15 yrs when we were married DID NOT CARE. To say no was too complicated, to say yes, was to give too much, to discipline was not necessary, an so on. He was a bull shi…NOW, as you can see, I not only did not talk to my mother, and had and irresponssible, selfish father for my kids, but we moved her to USA from Brazil. Now, in Brazil, I had mades and my friends around, my sisters…. Here, I had to cook, clean, learn how and not family and friends. At least I was a LEGAL IMMIGRANT! But, I could not work outside the house right away, I had to adjust the kids and I my son was 7 and my daughter, 3. I AM SURE IT WAS HARD TO MY SON EVENTHOUGH HE DID NOT SHOW. Any how, to make the story short, I think he feels that since I took the spot of the guardian, the protector and I was the only one, I should be perfect. To him, it did not matter, what happen to me, my difficulties, my hard times. He was a kid. He was hurt. He was scared to move, eventhough he never said or show a thing, he was said that his dad did not care, he was for sure gelous of his sister that was home all day with me, but he knew that what he was feeling was wrong so he blamed himself. I am sure. He never told me, but I know. He acted out. In the top of all that, me and his dad, we had terrible fights, yelling and screaming at each other. I was always the disciplinary, I was always the one to say no. I HAD TO. I knew, that I was taking chances, but for me it was more important to make sure he would be a descent, independet and strong human being. I WASN’T PERFECT, I MADE A LOT OF MISTAKES, BUT I ALWAYS LOVED HIM AND I ALWAYS WILL BUT I WILL NEVER ALLOWE HIM TO PUT ME DOWN FOR RAISED HIM THE WAY I DID. LIFE IS TUFF, IT IS NOT PERFECT, I HAD VERY TUFF TIMES, I MOVED COUNTIRES, I DID NOT HAVE A MOTHER IN MY LIFE THAT LOVED ME ALL MY LIFE, AND STILL IT TOOK ME 1 SECOND TO BE THERE FOR HER, I BECAME DEPRESS, 350 POUNDS, ALONE IN THIS WORLD, WORKING 2 JOBS AND STILL MAKING MINIMUM WAGE SINCE THE FATHER DID NOT PAY CHILD SUPPORT FOREVER, I LOST THE HOUSE, THE CAR, JOBS. I HAD TO CLEAN VERY DIRTY TOILLETS TO PUT FOOD ON THE TABLE AND KEEP MY SON IN PRIVATE SCHOOL. AND, I WAS RAISED IN A WEALTHY FAMILY… SO IT WAS REALLY SOMETHING DIFFERENT FOR ME TO DO ALL THAT BUT I DID NOT THINK TWICE. I TOOK WHAT IT WAS OFFERED. I WAS NOT PERFECT BUT I DID MY BEST.
My son is graduatting college in April, and said he will celebrate with his girlfriend’s family. How funny is that? I am not involved. I was not even told or asked. I do not like his girlfriend, but I lost some respect for my son, since he is the one allowing this to happen. He still by the way, with 23 yrs old, wantting me to pay for his car, car insurance and health insurance, INDEFINITLEY, since he has no idea how and when he will be able to support himself 100% and I WILL NOT DO THAT. After all, that is exactly what I was running from when I left his dad. My son may hate me. He may never talk or see me again. So be it. I am here open arms. And son he is now, but father he will be one day. It is the story of the world. Even God was not able to control Adam and Eve, but God said NO. Ladies, do not feel so bad. I know it is hard. But I am sure the sons have some reason in their hearts that we really missed but if we are strong and let them know that perhaps we missed, they may understand. If they do not, I agree we one lady that said. Lets give our love in the mean time there is, to another child that it is in need, but keep the arms open to your sons, the heart and the mind. Through the anger, the sadness, and hurt in the trash. Lots of love. ALL WE NEED IS LOVE, LALALALALAL. ALL WE NEED IS LOVE. LALLALALLA
OUR SONS ARE OUR SONS. WE ARE THEIR MOTHERS. AND WE NEED TO TELL THEM THAT. IT IS THAT SIMPLE. BE STRONG. I HOPE I AM NOT TOO CONFUSING. BY THE WAY, I LOST 150 POUND, I AM TAKING DEPRESSION MEDICATION FOR MORE THEN 3 YRS AND I HAVE A GREAT JOB. J.
Answer: Dear J. You are right. It is always more complicated than most of us realize. Our lives are layered with our experiences and our perceptions of those experiences shift on a daily basis. Yet, we keep putting one foot in front of the other and we learn, don’t we? How wonderful that you have experienced the beauty of forgiveness. You and your mother are pioneers. You let go in an instant and found what you both wanted. And you ended your post with a strong statement about having a great job. My hat goes off to you! Blessings, Luise
DEAR LUISE: I HAVE TRIED WITH MY SON THE SAME WAY YOU HAVE TO LET HIM GO .SO HE CAN LEARN THAT LIFE IS NOT EASY AND THAT MOM IS NOT ALWAYS GOING TO BE THERE FOR HIM. LIVE YOUR LIFE AND TRY TO BE HAPPY. M.
Dear Luise: My oldest son is married with two sons but his wife doesn’t want me around. The house they are living in is the one I signed over to them when my mom died. Now that they have what they want, I am no longer welcomed around there. His wife is controlling and hateful. My son has allowed this behavior to escalate for 9 years and doesn’t stand up to her at all. I raised him to have respect and taught him to love God. I just don’t know what to do about this besides pray and hope he grows up. T.
Dear T.: This type of situation is so strange but it is much more common than I ever suspected. You’re right, we need to hope and pray and in the meantime, find a way t have a fulfilling life. Not easy, as least not for me. Blessings, Luise
I am so glad that I found this website. I was a single parent of a son for many years until I met my current husband. My son was 11 years old when we got married. My husband has always treated him as if he was his own blood. My son’s father has never been there for him and I know that there is resentment towards his DAD and he takes out that resentment on my husband. My husband and I have owned our own Company for 16 years and always wanted our son to be a part of it. We have hired and fired him twice for unacceptable behavior. My son is biopolar, smokes pot, takes pills and drinks excessively. Last year my son and his wife gave birth to my grandson(one and only) I kept him at my office for three months to help them save money and mainly because I wanted to be around him. I was even in the labor/delivery room which was my daughter-in-law and son’s idea. My husband wanted to re-hire my son after the baby was born because he wanted a better life for our grandson. We also thought our son had changed. It lasted 3 months and my husband fired him again. My son looked at me and said if I allowed my husband to fire him, I would never see him or my grandson again. I haven’t talked to my son or seen my grandson in almost a year. I missed his first Christmas, Birthday, Easter, etc. I have been devasted. I almost committed suicide a few months ago until I finally went to counseling and a pschiatrist. I have never been through anything so dramatic. I am learning that he is the one with the problem, not me. My mother, who is a mentally abusive mother, blames me and my husband which has caused major conflict for my entire family. I have learned through therapy that I have to stay safe and put myself first. This is hard since I have always tried hard to make everyone else happy except me. One way my counselor put it “If you are on an airplane and you lose cabin pressure, they always say if you are traveling with a child, put the oxygen mask on yourself first” This makes sense….if you don’t take care of yourself first, you can’t help anyone else. I have good days and bad days. I miss my son, even though my hurt towards him has become more angry. It is my grandchild who is going to suffer because he is the weapon my son is using to get back at me. I had great memories of my childhood with my grandparents. My grandson is missing that relationship. He is the one that is being hurt, especially when he gets older. My mother and I don’t speak anymore because she tries to blame me and tells me I should call and apologize to my son for firing him. T.
Dear T.: You and your husband have done everything possible to be supportive under circumstances that are way beyond difficult. Unfortunately, doors are being closed and people are being hurt because of your son’s behavior. For you to be blamed for all of that doesn’t make any sense at all and to punish a child is cruel. You have acted wisely and generously and that’s all you can do. Blessings, Luise
I may sound like a broken record but I need some ‘Mother’ advice from you girls. I have a son age 29 who lives 1200 miles away. He was undergoing chemo at the time and since I am retired I figured it would be good for me to be close. He said he found a house to rent that would be good for us both to stay in. Rent was fairly descent so no problem. But then his 21 year-old girlfriend moved in too. Neither of them made any contribution to anything and I was continuously paying all the bills. Mind you they both were full time employed. So I sat down and asked them to pay the small utility bills, buy their own food (they mostly ate out), and contribute 100 toward the rent. They agreed and 2 weeks later moved out. Sent me a text message to my phone stating it was to financially hard for them. They make more money than my retirement pay. So last week son came to me happier than a lark. Told me he got this great new job making more money. Great, but then he needed 3000 dollars because he was going to be working as a contractor and needed some items (tools, ladders, and a rack for the truck and some other things) I was reluctant but felt sorry. You know, the old I will pay you back. So I made out a contract and am holding the title for his vehicle until this debt is paid. Well here it is, tonight I came down ill and asked him to take me to the ER. I felt dizzy and did not feel safe to drive. The ER is about 20 minutes drive. He texts me back and said he couldn’t do it because he was tired and had to go to work in 9 hours time. Nice! Now my emotional side has kicked in and I’m ready to tell him to stop using me and stay the heck out of my life. I feel he and his girlfriend scammed me to come out here. (Moving is not cheap) on the pretense that I would pay for everything and their money go to fun. Bull….. It is not going to happen. Am I being unreasonable??? Is this my irrational/emotional side taking over??? Mom’s let me know your feedback because I am feeling like pond scum. J.
Dear J.: You could get more comments on your question if you took it to my Web-Forum: http://www.motherinlawsunite.com
where discussions are held on subjects like you have presented. I would comment as well. Blessings, Luise
I thought I was the only one that had problems with my son’s, until I read this. My 31 yr. old son is always sending me horrible text messages, calling me names, and calling me cursing me. My son is married to a 40 yr. old woman that rules his life, she controls him in everyway possible, and he has a 9 yr. old daughter from his first marriage that he hasn’t seen in 1 yr, but if he contacts his daughter its a threat to his wife. I’ve decide after all he’s said and done to me, we are through. I would never talk to my sweet mom the way he has to me. K.
Dear K: Please bring your issue over to my web-Forum: http://www.motherinlawsunite.com You can copy and paste your question there and besides my response, you will get the benefit of interacting with others. Blessings, Luise
Hi, My son and daughter in law have 2 children. The 1st has been found developmentally handicapped, as far as disabilities. Just crawled at age 13 mos, but is a delight to be around and a joy. Just spoke to my son more physical therapy for the child. My son is saying that he is the reason the child is the way he is because my son is disabled, and asked me why I didn’t tell him? He is not disabled, and that’s why. I have all of his report cards, and things from him growing up. The only deficiency he had was a little slower in math than the rest. He also said that it was his Dad’s fault too, because he is paralyzed on half of his face, (this was done by forcips) this has nothing to do with being handicapped. How do I deal with this situation, when my daughter in law and her family are telling him these things? Thank You for any input. L.
Dear L.: I don’t know of any way you can change the mind-sets of others. Your DIL’s family is so far off base and so cruel. Obviously they believe the problem is inherited and are terrified they are to blame.
Your son is the fall-guy.
You can advise your son that they are not medical people and that you would be happy to go to the Dr. with him to reinforce the fact that he is not and never was retarded and didn’t cause this tragedy. Help him get the answers he needs to move forward with his child and get past the misinformation he is being given. Blessings, Luise
Over three years ago my son just stopped communicating with everyone in the family. He has moved out of state and will not acknowledge any of us. We never fought or had harsh words…nothing. This has been a nightmare. At one point, I did not know if he was alive or dead until his sister found him on a networking site. I did try to contact him 2 years ago and he told me that this is the way it is and hung up on me. He has missed the birth of his nephew and his sister’s wedding. It is as if he is ashamed of us. His sister insinuates it is my fault, that there was too much “drama” with the family. All families have drama and there was nothing out of the ordinary with ours. Please help me, I do blame myself, but I don’t know why my son left and why he is so ashamed of us. L.
Answer: Dear L. Please come over to my web-Forum: http://www.motherinlawsunite.com where we have a strong support group focused around issues with our adult children. I have found great solace in the company of wise and weary web-friends I have made there. Accepting guilt in often unhealthy and unrealistic. Sometimes it simply isn’t our fault. You would know if there had been any major trauma. And life is full of drama…always. Blessings, Luise
I’ve been borderline on my son hating me. I guess what I’ve found is that communication is important. When I am blamed, I debate back and find at a later date his attitude is cooled down, like one foot forward and one foot back. I do add a disciplinary remark when he crosses the line, such as, you are not a very understanding person, well, do you want me gone, and so, you’ve never done anything wrong, and, if you had listened to me, you would have passed form 7. In the past I have been inactive in communicating such as feelings, etc… where kids come up with the communications first and don’t really know how a parent feels, so they may assume. The old school was not very expressive of emotion, such as I’ve missed you. I’m trying a mixture of ensuring my son knows I love him and him knowing my boundaries where when he crosses them, he receives debate and a knock back. I then say that’s not very nice when he doesn’t want his mother and I’m glad I did the things you are angry about because you obviously deserved it. It’s not just my kids I love, I love myself too. And if he hates me, I hate him. L.
Answer: Dear L. You make a lot of sense and I hope a lot of people read your post. However, I would suggest that you reverse your final statement to: “I am teaching him that he can hate what I do without hating me…by example. I hate what he does without hating him. Blessings, Luise
My son is single, 34 years old and hates his mother. About eight years ago, he suddenly became angry at me. When I spoke to him, he was very curt and irate. The last time before he estranged himself from me (two years ago), I had phoned him to say I was stopping by in a few minutes to give him something and he said okay. When I got there his door was opened and I called his name, walked into the house because he didn’t answer, finally after I called for him inside, he stormed out of a room, yelled at me he had a rifle/gun in the there and what was I doing there, etc. I was terrified and did not know what to think or say. Soon afterwards, I stopped by his house to give him his Christmas present, he did not answer, later I found out he had hid in his house, pretending he wasn’t there. I became pregnant and married his father at 18 and after enduring emotional and mental abuse; I left his father when my son was 3. I naively my husband have visits with him (this was before did anything legal for custody) and one day he called me and told me he was keeping him and I would never see my son again. My ex-husband did this to hurt me; he had never taken much interest in caring for our son before this. To make a long story short, I lost custody of him. But over the years, I worked up visitation to the point that by his pre-teens he was spending more time with me than his custodial parent. I worked at a low paying job and often did without to do things such as; buy him new clothes (his were often ragged), books, took him places, did things he liked, took him to Cub Scouts etc. He was so important to me. When he was 12, I remarried and had two daughters. He has always been rather self-centered, did not show much interest in his sisters, or anything going on with me (I had breast cancer when he was 20). When my mother was dying of cancer last year, he refused to visit her (because I was there) until my niece, that he had been close to as a child, talked him into it, however Mother had already gone into a coma. He has had a variety of jobs, at one point he was out of work and needed a place to stay so I told him he could stay with us; he was here a year, expense free (and did very little I asked him to do). He had an injury at work and I took him and stayed when he had surgery, without any thanks from him. He always wanted his own business; he has had several over the years, which I have always be supportive. I found out (on-line) he has had several lawsuits against him for not paying loans, credit cards, etc. Even his father sued him, (probably loaned him money for to buy his house0. In each case, did not appear in court or answer his door when served. So he lost all the cases. I don’t understand how he got that kind of arrogance; I have always paid off things or done without. I have a document that I needed some information from him to list him as one of my beneficiaries. When I told my husband about that he told me I shouldn’t because of the way my son has treated me. My daughters told me I shouldn’t because of the things he says about me (about a year ago one of them visited him). So today, I marshaled all my courage and went to his shop. He told me to leave; that he wanted nothing to do with me because I had beat him as a child, saying he would wake up at night in fear for his life. I told him that was untrue; that he was remembering incorrectly, yes I spanked him and disciplined him, but I did not beat him. He told me that I had a short memory and my whole family knows that I’m an evil person. I did my best of what I could do; I’m not a perfect parent. I told him there were some things I never told him from the divorce, that I did not abandon him. He told me that his father abandoned (and was mentally ill), but I was worse. He also told me he has nothing to do with his father’s family. The only one he talks to is one of my brothers, barely. He told me he did not want to be one of my beneficiaries, not to have anything to do with him, he was happy now not to have me (and apparently a lot of other people) as family. I left telling him I loved him and if he ever needed anything I would be there for him. He said he had a business to run, called me by my first name to and told me to get out. I went to my car and sobbed as I drove away, I drove for about an hour contemplating on why such a horrible evil person like me should live. I have been crying for hours, I am so crushed and hurt. I guess I am in mourning, besides thinking that my family (brothers and sisters, etc.) believes what he said about me. I need to move on and focus on my daughters, what else can I do? I’m sorry to have taken up so much room. It has helped a lot to write and to read of others and know that I am not alone. Thank-you. N.
Dear N. Please come over to my web-Forum at: http://www.motherinlawsunite.com where we share and care regarding adult children issues. Blessings, Luise
Yes, it sometimes does help to write about our feelings. At least that’s my experience. With that in mind, please come over to my web-Forum: http://www.motherinlawsunite.com There is a lot of support there for those of us dealing with issues that involve adult children. Blessings, Luise
I just happened to find this web site a few months ago, and I never realized that there is so many hurt mom’s with grown children that are so disrespectful, and it seem’s to be more son’s than daughters. My heart goes out to each and every one of you, because I feel your pain. I have a 31 yr. old son that has cursed me, called me names, and lets his 40 yr. old wife rule him, and its really sad. I go months without hearing from him, and after the last text message calling me names, and telling me that him and his wife don’t want anything to do with me, I blocked both their numbers so they couldn’t call or text me, and its now been 2 months. I’m 49, and I still have respect for my 82 Yr. old Mom. I’m glad to know that I’m not alone on this one. God Bless All You Mom’s. K.
Dear K.
Thank you for commenting. Can there be anything harder to do than what you have been forced to do?
There are so many of us that I now have a web-Forum at: http://www.motherinlawsunite.com Please join us.
Blessings, Luise
My son was my life, his father and I divorced when he was 18 mos. old, and moved out of state eventually with my 2nd husband. My 2nd husband worked night shifts so therefore, it was always me and my son. We would spend a lot of time together, going out for fun, etc., and he was a great kid. Everyone, including his teachers, commented on how great of a son I had. He was so wonderful that when I walked into the house from a hard day at work, he would have a cup of coffee waiting for me. Right after his 18th birthday, he started to hang out with this kid I did not like and for good reason (he had a criminal record a mile long). I told my son he was not welcomed into our home and I would appreciate he made a better choice in friends. He had many great/terrific friends, but this one boy. Then I noticed his attitude changing, becoming defiant, arguing all the time and being downright disrespectful. Then one day it escalated into a terrible argument where he said he wanted to move out of state to live with his dad. I was devastated, but trying to be a good mother, I thought maybe perhaps it would be a good idea to get him away from this kid whom he obviously choose to hang out with behind my back. He is going to college which is great, but our conversations have never been the same since. He rarely calls me so when I call, he always says he is busy. Our last conversation ended with him yelling at me and him saying, “I hope you die and rot in hell!”. I don’t want to type the exact words he said. Needless to say, I am brokenhearted and never in my life thought I would hear those words from his mouth, especially from someone who always waited for me to come home from work, would give me a hug and a kiss and would always say “I love you.” I feel like someone ripped my heart right out and I find myself crying missing the wonderful relationship we had together. Everyone I know is shocked as they all knew how close we were and say it is just a stage. Nonetheless, I have decided to take a step back and not call him anymore. I guess I can only hope that in time he will want to connect with me again. I miss him terribly and it broke my heart when he left to live with his dad, but his last words have left me feeling stunned and numb. I am so grateful to have found this sight and knowing I am not alone has brought me some relief and I wish all of those mother’s going through the same thing the best. S.
I would suggest you find a good counselor to work with you on this. Kids who are close to their moms will sometimes go to great lengths to find a way to separate from them. Adulthood requires that and it can be a very painful experience.
I can feel everyone’s pain. I have a grown son 42 that just got divorced from his wife 3 years ago. The divorce was very hard on the family. He has a daughter 15 and a Autistic son 14 that he got custody of. His x-wife was deamed unstable and the children were taken away from her. I have always been very close to him and helped him emotionally and financially through the whole ordeal. He met a young woman 6 weeks after his separation and she has stepped in to help with his children. I had been helping with the grandson picking him up from school and keeping him so they can go on vacation. Needless to say I was there all of the time. His relationship with this girl is unstable and she is unstable and doesn’t like anyone in the family and has succeeded in keeping him away from his family. It has been 4 months since I talked to him after we got into a argument about him taking advantage of me. I talked to him in length about how he was treating me and how his girlfriend is treating me and the family. His last comments to me was he loved me very very much, hung up the phone and now will not answer my calls or emails. It hurts me to think that if I stand up for my self that he feels that he can’t talk to me anymore. I miss him very much and wish I could have him back in my life but as long as the girlfriend is in the picture it will never happen. I do understand that he is going to marry her. I just decided to go on with my life and concentrate on my other son and daughter in law and my husband. They love me very much and I am not waisting anymore of my energy on being sad and depressed. I only hope he will realize how much he means to me and call me some day. J.
Dear J. It is hard to balance such difficult situations. Probably no one takes advantage of us unless we let them but things changed when the future DIL came along and you felt taken advantage of. You were your son’s major source of support and she changed that. He seems drawn to unstable partners and he has a lot to deal with as a parent. My guess is that your future DIL is establishing supremacy and how you feel is becoming of less importance than it once was. Just a guess, however.
There isn’t much you can do if he has closed the door. You talked with him at length and for some reason that was more than he could cope with. I think you are wise to accept his position since there’s very little else you can do about it. Finding fulfillment in your interactions with the rest of your family is a very healing path to take. Blessings, Luise
WHAT A BLESSING!!!I can’t believe I stumbled into this site. My youngest son hates me. I too was a single mom who did the best I could. Growing up, my youngest son, Andy, and I were extremely close. He was my “good” son, where the other one got into drinking, drugs, running with a bad bunch, etc. Now my oldest one is the “good” son who comes to visit, is a great father, etc. My youngest has become close to a father that only paid support, did not keep visitation for 6 years, except on Saturdays. I had surgery yesterday and he texted me; but not to see how I was but to cuss me out because I tried to tell him a few days prior, about his soon to be ex’s keeping his two kids in squalor. I usually do NOT interfere but when I saw her apartment, I was floored. It is filthy, clothes on all the bedroom floors, dirty dishes piled in the sink and broken down dirty furniture. I am and have always been a very clean person. I only raised the issue with him that I was concerned about my grand kids’ living conditions. If they were being abused I would bring that up; so why can’t I raise the issue of neglect? This incident was the last straw. He have been horrible to me since his graduation from high school. I don’t know why he hates me yet is close to a father who had a pregnant girlfriend (now wife) and who virtually abandoned us. He texted me yesterday and told me to go to hell! How’s that for honoring the parent who was always there, who provided a nice home, clothing, bikes, etc. He is 28 years old. At Christmas every year he shows up and sits. He doesn’t interact with anyone. He always tells me there was no money to buy me a small gift even; but “we bought for the kids”. He makes good money and gets big bonuses every month, yet he can’t give a cheap bottle of perfume to me ONCE A YEAR! This past week was his birthday. It was the very first time I did not acknowledge it. He told me yesterday I wouldn’t be seeing my grand kids any more. Yep, same day I was operated on. How’s that? My heart has been broken by him. I feel for every mother on here. I know your pain; I just don’t understand. Just like every mom on here: what did I do wrong? S.
Dear S.: Please consider going over to the Web-forum I created for women with issues concerning their adult children. You may find support and understand there. http://www.motherinlawsunitecom Blessings, Luise
It is Thanksgiving and most of time I can handle the rejection, but holidays are hard. My two adult sons made a choice to erase me from their life after I had to make the hardest decision I had to make after years and years of emotional and verbal abuse from my ex husband. I was so very close to my children during their young life and teenage years and when I left, that was it! I admit that I did not leave in a very good way. I was an emotional wreck and did not take the time to sit down with them and discuss it with them. I left quickly or I knew that I would back out again. I was in very bad shape because I stayed way to long thinking things would change. I know for sure that you can’t “fix” people. You can only fix yourself. But my sons were so very aware of the dysfunction as they lived it, too. I guess they did not believe I would follow through with it because I put up with it for so long. I have tried to reach out to them and even wrote them letters to ask for forgiveness for anything that they think I did to hurt them. It didn’t work! One of my sons made it very clear that I am dead to him and my other son just won’t even respond and blocked me from anyway to get in touch with him. I only have written them a few times because I wanted to give them space, but after six years they are still not budging. So….I guess I must completely step back and let it go and pray. I know for sure that I was a good mom and loved, cared and supported them during their entire time I was allowed in their lives. But their hearts are so hard towards me after I left. It is just really very very sad that I had to lose almost my entire family in order to save myself. Not only did they stop having any relationship with me, they also cut off all ties with the entire side of my family who has always “been there” for them their entire life. My side of the family was always the ones who showed up at all the functions the kids had, spent holidays with us and supported them through anything. And to top it off, some of the members of the family have died in the meantime that was very close to them. I am a very sad mom. I know that my codependent behavior can’t kick in because I KNOW that I can’t fix it. It is what it is and I have to come to terms with it. Thanks for listening. H.
Dear H. Sometimes when we finally stand up for ourselves it is like surgery. We have to act…to live. Sure you could have done it better…but you did it and that is remarkable. Please come over to my Website where issues with adult children are shared and support is offered. It might help. http://www.motherinlawsunite.com Blessings, Luise
GOD BLESS YOU LUISE AND THANK YOU!
I am grateful to the wonderful moms on this site who have bared their souls. Truly we cannot really know others unless they are willing to be vulnerable. Once we know what others are going through, that alone helps us to get through the day. My 18-year-old son acts as if he hates me. He hasn’t said anything to me, but he refuses to talk to me and is incredibly moody all the time….”doing his duty” at parent’s weekend at college, showing up at dinner when asked, but resentful all the time. He says I treat him like a child. The only restriction on him is that he tell us where he is at night and when he’s coming in….that’s too restrictive for an “adult” like him. My yoga teacher (man) says boys need to break away from their mothers and that it can be very painful and destructive, but that it must happen. I have heard from others that boys will come home again….but that it requires a lot of patience. Bless you all for your words of support. J.
Please consider coming over to my Web-forum http://www.motherinlawsunite.com where issues with adult children are addressed and support can be found. Blessings, Luise
I am in tears right now as I read all these posts. My 18 yr. old son is home from college for winter break. I was a single mom, too. I was the one who guided him through all the college applications, senior year, etc. Dad was not interested. Now son is terribly rude and mean to me. I walk on eggshells around him, as anything I say he has a snappish mean remark back to me. He is so unkind I cry. Since he has been home, I’ve done things for him, cooked for him, had his band mates over so they could practice etc, but there is no appreciation at all. It has come to where I am almost afraid to say anything to him at all, as he always comes back with a mean spirited comment. Tonight I told him that next time he comes home for break he should stay with his dad, as I don’t want someone around who treats me badly and is mean and unappreciative. I just don’t know how to get through to him; all I do is cry.
You did what had to be done…set boundaries to stop the abuse. When you can, move past tears. It will help you accept that your son probably doesn’t know how to step from boy to man in his relationship with you. One relates to a “mommy” and one relates to a friend. It can be very difficult, emotionally, especially when he doesn’t know that’s what’s going on.
I’m glad i found this site. I felt like the only person in the world with a son that hates them. I’m a single mom his father died before he was born. I knew that I would have challenges, but not like this.My heart aches because of the situation between me and my son. I’ve tried to do the best I can.I haven’t been perfect and have made mistakes. I always have kept my son first. I don’t have a boyfriend or even associate with anyone because of making sure I’m available when he needs me. Well tonight it happened again he pushed me and poked his finger in my eye. My mother got in-betweeen us I guess cause she saw his rage and felt that he was going to hurt me . The sad part about this situation is that his dad was abusive to me too. I have several health issues rheumatoid arthritis that keeps me in constant pain everyday, not a day goes by that I’m pain-free. I try not to complain to my son and give him opportunities that others have. He still is embarrassed by the way I look and hates me he even expresses it when he screams at me.I feel that I just need to let him go on with his life and not try to give him advice because he never listens to me just to his so-called friends who manipulate, and use him and talk him against me. I never thought that he would fight and yell at me. It hurts me soooo bad. I’m suffering in silence. After tonight I have accepted how he feels about me and asking God to help me and to help him because he is the only one that can save him. I’ve done all I can. I hope that my surgery will go well so that i can move and start my life over. I’ve let the bad stuff take too much control over me. I just wanted the best for him, he doesn’t want the best for himself, he wants the negative things in life from his so-called friends . Please pray that he will wake up and realize before its too late that how he has treated me is wrong, Please also help me to block out the image of him hitting me and in a rage poking at my eye. Never thought that my only child would hate me so bad. My heart is empty. Please pray for me.
Prayers and love, too. Blessings, Luise
Hello All. I am 31, married and have 2 sons, 10 and 5. I think these stories will be my life. My oldest is already telling me, and everyone else that he hates me. He hates his borther, he hates being around him, and hates me because I take the side of my youngest after it gets violent between them. He gets in trouble a lot in school for fighting, and teasing, and saying bad things to his peers, and doesn’t care if I take away his favorite toy or channel or activity. He just gives it up. I want to learn from your experiences. I don’t want to sit and wait untill it happens (him growing up and me feeling hated). What can I do NOW besides pray to avoid it to go further? anything specific that is stuck it the back of your mind that you think you are hated for? A.
Dear A. Please come over to my Web-forum that centers around these kinds of issues. You will find support and wisdom there. Go to: http://www.motherinlawsunite.com Blessings, Luise
Oh can I relate. I’m glad I found this website. You know what is interesting? Most of our ex-husband’s were abusive or alcoholic and we tried to shield our boys from that. I too lived for my kids. When they were growing up, we didn’t have much, but we were happy. I don’t know what happened, but when they were around 15/16 I became the cause of their dad’s alcoholism, absenteeism and essentially every problem they had. My younger son was the most hurtful to me. He was mentally and emotionally abusive. He started using drugs. All my interventions were met with rage. Finally I threw in the white flag and gave up and sent them to live with the monster (aka as their dad) thinking that once they lived with him they would see the light. Unfortunately, they didn’t. It is one big free for all party with their dad. He doesn’t care about drugs or alcohol since he does it himself. It kills me. But I have offered them to come back on the condition they follow my rules and show me the respect I deserve. It sucks. It hurts. But I can only go on and let them know I love them and am here when they are ready. And one other thought-we only hurt the ones we love. Maybe our boys lash out as us because we were the ones who were there and they felt safe with us. S.
Come on over the my web-forum: http://www.wisewomenunite.com
Blessings, Luise
As a woman raised in a “broken” family, as a teenage mother, as a high school drop out, as a human being. I HAVE LEARNED ….. my failures are my own as are my successes. no one gets the blame, no one gets the credit. Why didn’t my son learn this? S.
Dear S.: It’s a mystery to me why some of us take responsibility and some of us don’t. The “blame-game” is widespread and a very convenient way to not grow up when that’s the path chosen. Please come over to my Web-forum with your issue: http://www.wisewomenunite.com One of my sons did that and one didn’t and I’m still asking myself what I did differently, if anything.. Blessings, Luise
In reading over these heartbreaking stories, it is pretty clear in about 80%-90% of the cases that we are single moms.
So I wondered, how is that connected?
Obviously we have to play the role of both mother and father ( in my case my sons father is very involved in their life as the “funguy”, the buddy—-hardly contributed anything financially, never around when things get tough–but the first place my sons escape to when I “ask” too much of them and we argue over asking them to help me (which is very rare) with chores, or doing homework, or coming home on time–they just blow me off and say “I’m outta here” , calls Dad–and Dad heroically swings by and removes them from the awful shrew (me) never botheirng to ask a word of why).
So since I had to oversee every detail and requirement of our lives while working a very demanding job, push the homework, try and responsibly enact the unpopular consequences when they misbehaved and every other chore and messy parent/teen struggle by myself, by the time they were teens, I was demonized.
I was told over and over how “laid back” it was at Dad’s house….how he didn’t nag, he understood the value of “leisure time”! ( So leisurely he couldn’t keep a job).
Anyway, with that pretty typical situation as a backdrop, I am thinking why do our sons come to hold us in such contempt?
IMHO, I believe a couple of things are at play.
First, the man of the household is missing. The boys’ father, were he on site, would ideally dispense the discipline and model the male attributes that define the young boys sense of self. Ideally again, assuming the man was a GOOD father, he would responsibly insist his sons practise respect and values, including respect for their mother. They say “the greatest gift a man can give his children is to love their mother”. (Now, I realise many men would be a horrendous role model too–drunks, abusers etc–which is why women should think long and hard about who they mate with!)
Without that adult male to relate to, and in the best of all worlds, ideally loving, committed husband to their mother, with his non-negotiable demand to adhere to RULES and RESPECT, well, without all that, when hormones kick in —-our boys go from being loving little boys that LOVE Mommy to surly teens that probably despise having a WOMAN directing and controlling their lives.
Of course, have no choice–we must be mother and father–it is down to pure survival, but the sons don’t get it. They are immature “boy-men”, hardly capable at 13 to run their own lives. I guess they deeply resent their dependence on us and maybe it fills them with inadequacy and self loathing –which is why they direct that loathing over time onto US, because it is too debililating to place it on themselves–and men seem to generally project outward vs women going inward. We are the target.
Next and this is just a theory…I am wondering if our sons begin to associate revulsion with their single mothers as “rejects”. Maybe mixed in with some of their own deep unspoken sense of being “cast off” by the father they “adore” ( even though that “father” was the irresponsible lout that abandoned the family) they just simply cannot bear the thought being connected to this cast-off, worn-down, stressed-out, obviously undesireable ( well she couldn’t make it with Dad, right?) human called Mom, that stays on their back about making the right choices, doing their homework, not hanging out with bad kids etc.
In other words, there’s pretty much NOTHING redeeming about Mom, superfically or otherwise. Dad doesn’t want her, why should he?
I say this dramatically, because the feelings I get from my youngest (17) at times is nothing less than pure revulsion that I am even drawing oxygen.
I have supported him and his brother in every way, EVERY WAY, through unlimited attention and love and listening, I tried to provide enriching experiences with camp, family trips, adventures and outings, being involved with thier school and church, Christmases with the all the trappings, prom, SAT prep, private middle school and essentials like orthodontics, expensive dermatology for teen acne and every other thing you can imagine– all of which I scraped to pay for completely alone, I also sacrificed considering any new relationship for myself for 14 years, my sons have been my focus.
None of it makes a difference–my youngest cannot abide me, and anything I ask of him, no matter how mild is either ignored or throws him into a fit of hateful rage at me. If I push too much he calls his dad to come and get him. And his dad is the sun ( his dad pays for NOTHING). I have no authority in truth.
My oldest is a bit better and I have hopes that all is not lost, but I do know that any weakness ( crying, begging for a reconcilation) is viewed with even more contempt.
So I advise that you should not show your hateful sons, your ‘weakness’.
You can state the clear fact that you are devastated that your r/ship is destroyed, that you have hope that one day it can be redeemed, it is your greatest disppointment– BUT you have a life to live and will not marinate in such toxic misery–which is not good for either of you.
So remove yourself. If not possible physically, do it menatlly, emotionally. It hurts like crazy, because we crave to connect to them, but they are not allowing it. It comes down to self love for US and refusing the allow the abuse to rain down ANY MORE.
None of us want to be anesthecized zombies walking around with broken hearts but i am telling you, you cannot force a person to experience empathy and care about your pain when they are consumed in self focus.
Accept that they walk their own path in this life and you walk YOURS. You did your best, It was not perfect because circumstances were fractured. Now it’s between God and them and God and YOU. D.
Know that love is available on many other levels, church, friends, volunteering, maybe new romantic relationships.
Live your life….redirect away from what is hurting you….do not sacrifice your preciousness…Let go and Let God …and love your self, PLEASE.
Come on over to http://www.wisewomenunite.com and meet the “family.” Blessings, Luise
it’s rather odd that our children,’s minds is so ego ruled that they are in a atate of unawareness, about the value of the relationships. of a loving mother such as we all are, it’s not by chance we have all emerged here wiht our commong conceanrs. lets be the attitude , of reality, lets not feed and validatethe allusions our offspring find as thier preception of reality .lets repete the life transfroming affirmation , forgiveness and uncondtional Love each time, a unplesant expereince attepts to rule over our thinking and feeling. lets simply transform our own mind, and realize we have power over any hting that is projected at us we have the abality to not allow ourselves to get suspended in negative areangemnts of the mind set of those who fear and envy us, because that is waht hate is all about, when we do a supurb impossiable task of prodiding for our children and beating the odds, the inflince of the collective mind is at work as well, our children abviousely are not vibratig in the same energy filed as we are , they may atttempt to project thier self imprints on to us,this maybe be at a complete level of unawareness, waht they are doing is self distructive, they generally are attracted to and bond wiht people who are vibrating and attracting energy that support and identify with theirs.I have a great idea, Lets use our collective creative enrgy to transform ourselves. lets say and do creative enriching speaking thinking and being. It might require being to busy to listen to any negative or manipulating from those who thrive on emotional mental and passive violence, when we set the boundry, it removes thier allusions of power and control , these are learned behaviors that can have roots in ancestorial attachments, that will attach to our children without awareness, I have three adult children who started defying and using many emotoinal and mental tools that resulted in pain, But I have learned that my happiness is all that matters, if they choose something else, they are free to do so. But after a resonable time frame , I dont have any associations with tme. there are pleanty of people in this World who respect and love me for myself, That is a good thing about this life there is many choices for everyone, Perhaps letting go of the false ideals we fromed about thse peole we birthed , might be something we can benfit by at leat considering, that people can choose to hate or to love, having no contact even letting go of the grandchildren, can be a wake up call for those who diaplay no gratitude. or those who enjoy playing games as if Mothers are mere Toys . Love Lihgt and Peace. E.
I woke up the morning after finding your website and felt peaceful and actually smiled about my situation. Why? because after 13 years of sadness and hurt I felt I wasn’t alone. ( My son is now 20) I am not a single mum and although my son’s father worked away from home quite a lot we still had what I consider a pretty average and normal family unit with no abuse, drugs, or foul language. What was abnormal was my son’s verbal abuse and shocking anger especially aimed at me. My husband has always treated me with the utmost respect. I still didn’t talk to my husband much because I still wanted his father to have a good relationship with him. And of course I blamed always myself and had little or no self-esteem. The times i did tell my husband about the verbal abuse he would be angry with my son (not abusive in any way) but my son would take it out on me with verbal abuse and pointing out another of my failings “you can’t cope with me you have to tell dad. So I learned to keep quiet about it. My heart was heavy everyday, I woke up everyday and knew the verbal abuse would begin as soon as his father left for work. I became so depressed and full of guilt that I considered taking my own life many times. My husband and girls were my reason for staying in the land of the living. The turning point for me was ……when my son told me in a state of I believe a “manic” mind he told me I had ruined his ife he blamed me for everything that is wrong about his life, and I was very frightened scared as he said “I will hit you” I think even worse was that he said it in front of his 12 year old sister and shouted she hates you to. I have spoken to counselors with and without him ( which for us was mistake) I really believe you should never play the victim in front of your abusive child/young adult or let your feelings out, they see you as weak in the first place so why let them think yep I’m right she is a useless human being. That is a very hard thing to do until you stronger in yourself. i knew I needed “me time” which I didn’t believe I deserved so wouldn’t let myself relax, I tried yoga, meditation etc. but it was to difficult to do these things on a regular basis. I had become so depressed and suicidal my Dr said I had to take an anti-depressant to get through this. It was the best thing I ever did they saved me in more ways then one. I took them for 6 months and got through the year with my son living here. Once he left home I went of them and the guilt and sadness snuck back. He visited and was the worst I can remember and so I started taking them again. I know I am not dependent on them they just get me through the really rough times. I am also doing cognitive behavoural therapy which is wonderful. Now..as I said this morning I woke with a smile on my face, I feel stronger every day the guilt I have felt for years is almost gone and am feeling so grateful my life is improving and i have so much to live for and he “will not stop me.” J.
Please come over to my Web-forum that was created for those of us with issues with adult children. Blessings, Luise
http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com
Hi: There is no point in me giving the details of my only son’s distain for me. I also was a single mom and my former husband drank and ran around with women from the get go. I thought he was a big flirt and tried not to make a big thing out of his behaviour. He left me and my son when he was 5 years old. He gave little child support and moved out of town with his new woman.
My son rarely saw him and was heartbroken by his dad’s neglect. We were very close, caring and respectful of one another throughtout his life. I struggled financially as many of you had, even though my ex was well off. He lost interest in us.
When my son became a teen his dad moved back into town with his alcolholic wife and refused to see him unless his wife was present. The visits were sad but my son made the best of them because he loved his dad regardless.
He is 36 living in the U.S. with is wife and 2 little boys. I am in Canada. Since they’ve been married 12 years I visited about 7 times and they about 3.
My grandsons love me to no end.
In the last 6 years my son stopped responding to my phone messages and emails to let me know how he and the family is.
A month ago my mom died (in Canada) and my son came alone. I paid for his travel and then some.
He was cold and distant during the difficult time at the funeral and did not want to even stand next to me.
The evening before he left I asked him what I did so wrong. I loved him with all my hear & soul, never spoke unkindly of his father, tried hard to get his dad to spend time with him. I was always in the red trying to support and provide for him.
He seemed to be very happy at home. He was always a top student and graduated University with honours. His dad & family would not come to his graduation.
But my son is staying in touch with him now and they visit each other.
I was told by him that he had a crappy childhood, that he was sad and lonely. He said he left Canada because of his unhappy childhood. He said now he has a family and a good job in the U.S. He said he was angry with me and does not want to see me.
Sorry for the rambling but I too cry so often I wonder if the tears and heavy heart will ever stop.
I am shocked at how similar our single mom stories are and know the pain you are suffering.
Now, the question. Since mom’s passing there is a little inheritance & I want to send him and the family money to go to Disneyworld. I told them a year ago that I wanted to take them.
Should I still do this even tho he wants nothing to do with him?
T.
No, I wouldn’t. Please come over to my Web-forum that I created for those of us who have had to face this:
http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com There is support and understanding waiting for you there. Blessings, Luise
My 18 year old son, whom I have raised alone, blames me for everything. He is away at college for the first term. He is doing poorly and said it is my fault since I helped him too much in high school with homework papers, tutors etc. So, now he is unable to do it on his own and it is my fault he will be a failure in life. He also said he will not buy that my husband and I are having money issues until we sell our jewelry. He says very hurtful things to me and tries to make me feel guilty. What do I do? Does he really feel this way or says these things to hurt me? Told me if I cut back his money for college he will become a weed dealer…..why does he say these things? S.
Come over to my Web-forum at http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com where you will find a caring and sharing community of women who know exactly what you are up against. You deserve so much better. Blessings, Luise
you have no one but yourself to blame for being a single mom. should have picked a better mate. B.
Hi,
I have a real problem, my son and his wife have decided to have nothing to do with me, he has created a lie in his mind, he is 31, I raised him, his real father left when he was 2, I remarried when he was 4, the stepfather was fine at first, then came years of abuse, I had nowhere to go at the time, so by the time he graduated from high school, we left, including my daughter from the 2nd marriage. When he was 20 yrs old, he decided he wanted to bond with his biological father, which I had no problem with, I had hoped before that he would want more to do with my son’s life than he did, but anyways, my son married and my first husband remarried, I saw no problems, all of the sudden I am the bad person. My first husband had an affair with my best friend, the whole thing was extremely hurtful, but i forgave and moved on, my son said that I ruined his life and because I ruined his life to not be surprised when I don’t have any friends, and that no one will want to be around me. My current husband is very nice and supportive and we’ve now been married 8 years, we both can’t understand this hurtful behaviour and I don’t know what to do. He said because I was beaten that he didn’t want his grandkids around me since I was a bad person? Please help me understand this, I don’t. L.
Bitterness isn’t something most of us can understand. Others choose to be bitter and then build a case to support it. We have to pick up the pieces, let go and build a life elsewhere for our own survival. Blessings, Luise
So nice to know that I’m not alone, however I’m still in a lot of shock and pain. When my son was born he became the greatest love of my life. I was in a very abusive marriage and lived only for my son. Then when my son was 12 I finally got a divorce. The court took away all visitations from my ex-husband because of his abuse and criminal history. In fact a psychologist testified at trial that my ex-husband has a narcisstic personality disorder and is extrememly controlling and abusive and has no empathy for his victims. My son was very happy he didn’t have to see his dad anymore and I became a single mom suddenly living in poverty, but my son and I remained very close. Then, when my son turned 18 his dad contacted him and nothing has been the same since. My son is so impressed with his dad’s money and gave up all his plans to go to college and moved in with his dad. Now my son doesn’t call me anymore and won’t see me. It’s been such a sudden shock that I feel like I’m in a bad dream. And my heart is shattered because I lived my life for my son (he was a lot of work because he has a learning disability but I was extrememly devoted). All my years of sacrifice and hard work and loving my only child more than anything in this world, down the drain. I’m afraid that my son may have inherited some of his dad’s sociopathic personality disorders that the psychologist testified about. Can it be genetic? My son reunited with his dad just last May, and I’ve been spending so much time in pain and devastation, and so many people have told me to let him go. I have been trying to move on and not continue giving my exhusband the power to hurt me anymore, but the loss of my son is so great. I’ve been reading a book about detaching from abusive adult children, and I’ve been researching and found this website. But it’s still so hard to believe that if you do your best as a mother, that your child cannot at least love you. I don’t think anything will ever be the same between us again. His lack of conscience is blowing me away, because my son used to be so compassionate but is really selfish now. Thanks for listening. C.
Please come over to the Web-forum I have created around this issue: http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com Blessings, Luise
I can really relate to others pain in this forum. I have 5 children. There father was/is an alcoholic. I got away from him and got into another abusive relationship.. I stayed longer then I should of.. but finally broke free.. Vowed to never get in that situation again. My problem is my son takes ever opportunity to throw my mistakes in my face. I take full responsibility for my mistakes. He is now 25 and I try to help him out all I can financially. Now my husband and I (his step-dad) are trying to save for a move to Florida to retire and I can not help him as much… He gets very angry about this and makes me feel so guilty for the past I usually relent and give in. He curses me and tells me what a Shitty parent I am all the time. I have tried my best to show him I love him and let him know how very very sorry I am for my past mistakes but that has not helped. S.
Perfect site. My 35 yr old son hates me. He tells his girlfriend everything I say, and I have been working with him on marketing..at home. He threatened to cut off my internet and phone..he is paying for them. In return I help him with his business calling. I am on food stamps, ALONE for 27 yrs divorced. He is verbally abusive to me and today he told me to die and go to blazes..and that I needed a mental evaluation, his girlfriend says so! I sent him a valentines card and candy, and a card to his girlfriend. NOT ONE THANK YOU..phone or email. I am getting an attorney at the clinic, to change my will, and my life ins..to put my best friend on it, instead of him. I dont trust my son anymore. He has taken from me, with no thanks, and says what a rotten person I am all the time. He calls me stupid, and tells me constantly there is no God….and he doesnt give a rip about things. I am about 99% done with him…yet he is my son, and I am saddened about all this. But how much more can I take? I have zero support from him, or anyone related to him. S.
I don’t blame you. I think I would be 100% done with him. Blessings, Luise
When I was a child I wouldn’t dream of bad behaviour
toward my parents, Its not funny the kids today are
totally different to our day, they are cold, calculating, like we as parents owe them big time for us bringing them into this cruel world!
My husband abandoned us when my daughter was 5 and my son 3, I have played mom and dad the whole lives through. The both have phychological problems and do you think they will admit it and get help now that they are adults, my son is 25 and still lives with me and lives off me, and is miserable as hell, an attitude to be reckoned with, depressed and the list goes on, but he refuses Phychological help from a proffessional and refuses any kind of medication. So I continue to suffer, and yet the family all have their own opinions, I always look like the bad one and am always embarressed by him, with all these problems I still love him. But want him to get out there an get a life. E.
Come on over to my Web-forum: http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com and lets talk about this. Blessings, Luise
I was married to a highly respected professional who was secretly bi-polar and a functional alcoholic. He managed to hide these facts from his co-workers (and me until we were married and I was expecting). He was both verbally and physically abusive to me, but a loving father to the children. When our two children were 13 and 15, he took his own life. I had always been exceptionally close to my two children, and more so when my husband died. My son, the youngest, was also very close to his father. When the money ran out and I could no longer help my children financially, my daughter, then 23, turned against me. My son was horrified at his sister’s betrayal of me and cut her off from his life, and became even closer to me. Although she has relented and wants to be close again, and of course I still love her, I don’t feel as if I can ever trust her enough to be as close as I once was to her. Six months ago my son, who was horrified on my behalf at his sister’s betrayal, suddenly became extremely abusive and now is exhibiting all of the symptoms the other mothers describe. He claims he has post-traumatic stress disorder and is fixating on things he perceives as abusive from his childhood, although he was in fact never abused–he actually was loved, protected and given anything he ever wanted. He is breaking my heart, and I really don’t know what to do. I am forced to live far from both children in order to make a living wage, and I am terrified that I will never see my son again once he leaves college and moves elsewhere. My anxiety and depression is affecting my health–I don’t know if I have the strength to survive losing my son. A.
You are going through all of this in your own way and your adult children are processing it in their own way, as well. Please come over to my Web-forum: http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com where the situation you describe is all too common. You will find support and understand there. Blessings, Luise
Thanks for the support for my decision to avoid pregnancy at all costs. L.