MomResponds.com: Ask Questions, Get Answers

Comment by Clarice Comer

November 29, 2006 @ 5:32 pm

I feel for you because I have the same thing. My son’s father left us when he was 18 months old, he never came back, didn’t care if we lived or died. He’s now 41 and the hell he has taken me through is unbearable. He was the love of my life. There is not enough paper in the world for me to write on as to how bad he has been to me. I loved him more than anyone could possible imagine. He later met his father and has had some relationship with him, very little because there are too many step sisters and step brothers who seem far more import but my son has treated me so bad no one will ever know. It breaks my heart. He now has a two year old little boy and the woman he had him by did never marry my son. They are both so sick and I see they are going to destroy this precious baby. Now my son has cut me off from this precious baby. His girl friend already. She has a 14 and 17 year old. This is so screwed up. I love this baby and neither one of them want my husband I me, to be with him. Particularly, me, it’s always me when it comes to anyone hating. I have been so good to these two no one can believe it. Bought everything on earth they could have wanted. I’m miserable. I can’t believe this is how it’s supposed to be when you love your child.

Comment by Luise

December 3, 2006 @ 4:43 pm

Answer: Dear Clarice: It certainly isn’t the way things are supposed to turn out. It’s terribly hard to accept and it looks like changing it isn’t in the cards, either. Once your son became an adult and had his own family, it’s not your family unless they decide to include you…no matter what you buy for them. He and his wife have made their choice painfully clear and you have no grounds to interfere unless you can prove overt abuse in court. It’s more than cruel, it’s heartbreaking. Blessings, Luise

Comment by Elaine

December 9, 2006 @ 3:09 am

Hi Betsy. I hope it goes someway to comforting you to tell you that I know how this feels. I was dragged up in a horrendous and abusive family so wanted to do it all so differently with my son. I brought him up alone but gave him so much love and time. It didn’t work for me. He’s 26 now and seems to want to sabotage any progress i make (I’m suffering with anxiety and depression). He seems to enjoy hurting me and it tears me apart. I know now that I don’t have to listen to this anymore or put up with it. However hard it is, we have to accept life doesn’t always give us what we want - I am working on keeping him separate from my life because I really can’t take his cruelty on top of everything else. I wish you much luck and happiness. Elaine

Comment by Luise

December 9, 2006 @ 1:16 pm

Beautiful, Elaine! Thank you! Blessings, Luise

Comment by Shahrazad Ali

January 15, 2007 @ 1:15 pm

I have spent over 15 years trying to figure out why my son (now 36) hates me. I have went so far as to ask my 2 other children, childhood neighbors and other relatives if they know of anything that happened to my son that would cause him to hate me like he does. He feels entitled and that I owe him a living, he damns me to anyone who will listen, he curses me, keeps me from seeing my granddaughter, and is (I have heard) addicted to porn and sex. He cannot keep a job, and although he is not on drugs, he is irrational in his thinking, has literally ruined relationships with over 15 good women that I know of, and is ungrateful. Over the years I have on occasion, when asked, tried to help him out financially, and he seems to hate me more after that. I have asked him why does he put all of his failures in life at my feet and he has multiple exaggerated reasons. He had a good father who died from a sudden heart attach when he was 15 and I don’t think he has ever come to grips with that either. He had little or no relationship with 2 of his children until they were about 10 and 11 years old. He says I never change, that I am outdated and don’t know whats happening in the real world. While, he who is perpetually homeless (living with various girlfriends until he ruins the relationship), and then takes his anger out on me. I will never understand his sometimes almost psychotic ramblings and behavior. I plan to move to another city and puruse visitation with my grandchildren through the courts. I have found out that his condition is very common regarding men and their mothers.

Comment by Luise

January 17, 2007 @ 5:15 pm

Answer: Dear S.A.: What a sad story. I have heard many like that but I have no idea what it’s all about. In my own life, I raised two sons. One is sure I am the worst mother in the world and the other is positive I am the best mother in the world. I don’t think I am either. I just did the best I could, like you. I think sometimes that kids are born with some issues that have little or nothing to do with us. If that sounds like a cop-out, so be it. I still think so. Blessings, Luise

Comment by lisa

May 1, 2007 @ 4:36 pm

having to raise kids as a single parent has been the biggest challenge in my life. personally I think we need a support group. married couples have each other. but when your alone, well we all needs someone to talk with, tell us were doing ok from time to time. nobody has all the answers, if we did it would be a perfect world.

Comment by Luise

May 1, 2007 @ 4:49 pm

Answer: Dear Lisa: There are such groups in some places. I know of one that is called: “Parents Without Partners”. You’re right, support can be a wonderful and very valuable thing out there in the uncharted waters of single parenting. Blessings, Luise

Comment by Inge

May 2, 2007 @ 8:38 pm

I thought I was alone and have carried this pain with me for years. I was 20 when I had my son and was in an emotionally abusive relationship with his father, who was wealthy. He had the financial resources to raise my son, while I worked minimum wage jobs-so he lived with my husband and stayed with me for the summers. My ex-husband said terrible things about me and rewarded my son with money and expensive toys when he berated me. My son is now and adult and has made the decision to not have a relationship with me or talk with me.
Inge

Comment by Luise

May 3, 2007 @ 8:39 am

Answer: Dear Inge: How sad that it has turned out the way it has. Please know that it may still not be over. An “adult” is not necessarily a fully mature person and your son may become wiser with the years and come back to you. One thing he can’t take away, you chose to give him life and beyond that you chose to unselfishly give him what you felt to be the best.
Blessings, Luise

Comment by Inge

May 13, 2007 @ 8:16 pm

Thank you, Luise.
Your insight eased a little bit of the pain this mother’s day.
Inge

Comment by RENA PYLANT

July 2, 2007 @ 11:35 am

I AM SO SORRY FOR ALL OF YOU…I TOO AM AT A VERY LONELY PLACE WITH MY SON. HE ABSOLUTELY HATES ME AND DOES AND HAS CONFESSED TO HIS FRIENDS AND BROTHER HOW HE WISHES I WAS NOT HIS MOTHER.I AM LOST IN UNDERSTANDING WHAT I HAVE DONE WRONG-ALL I HAVE EVER DONE IS CARE AND DO EVERYTHING FOR HIM. EVERYONE HAS THERE OPINIONS ON WHAT I SHOULD DO BUT IT IS EASIER SAID THAN DONE.WHEN YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE THAT IS HATED-WELL YOU ARE ALONE. I HAVE ANOTHER SON WHO IS THE TOTAL OPPOSITE OF HIS TWIN. BEING A MOM IS VERY HARD ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU ARE THE DISCIPLINARY, ETC. I AM ABOUT READY TO HAVE A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN-IN THE LAST 2 MONTHS I HAVE BEEN THROUGH A TOTAL HISTARECTOMY, MY OTHER SON WAS JUMPED AND BEAT UP BY GANG MEMBERS WHO MISTAKED HIM FOR SOMEONE ELSE, MY SON WHO MAKES MY LIFE A HELL, AND I AM BROKE AND CANNOT SEE ANYTHING POSITIVE IN MY NEAR FUTIRE LATELY. I REALLY HAVE TRIED TO BE A GOOD PERSON BUT I GUESS THAT ISN’T IN MY CARDS”SO TO SPEAK” I GUESS IT REALLY JUST DOESN’T MATTER ANYWAY-NOTHING CHANGES. ANYWAYS THANKS FOR TAKING YOUR TIME TO READ THIS… I AM DONE FOR NOW.

RENA PYLANT

Comment by Luise

July 8, 2007 @ 8:17 am

Answer: Dear Rena: I honestly feel that when we see such a difference in how our children choose to react to us, we need to let up on ourselves regarding taking the blame. It often looks to me like kids come in with their own agendas and we don’t have as much influence as we had thought. You son’s negative behavior says a great deal more about him than it does about you. How lovely that you have another son to relate to in a positive way. Blessings, Luise

Comment by Sheryl

September 2, 2007 @ 7:42 pm

I am dying inside and have been for quite sometime. I have two grown sons. One hates me so much and the other is indifferent, and I think, if he decides to like me his brother won’t be his friend. Neither one has remembered me on Mother’s Day, birthday or Christmas and my son and his wife didn’t want me to come to my own family’s Thanksgiving.

My heart is so broken and I’m and living in hell.

Sheryl

Comment by Luise

September 3, 2007 @ 9:31 am

Answer: Dear Sheryl: Your story, including the specific details that I didn’t include, is one of survival and strength. You are living your life with dignity and you know the truth about yourself in your heart. Blessings, Luise

Comment by Luise

October 11, 2007 @ 8:23 am

Answer: Dear Sondra: Your son seems to be controlling the situation. When that happens, any move on your part will probably been seen as a military tactic and initiate another battle. The only thing I know of to counteract it is prayer. I have seen prayer turn around the most hopeless situations…and it offers deep comfort. Blessings, Luise

Comment by 0Rebecca King

October 31, 2007 @ 6:29 pm

I thought I was the only hated Mom, I struggle with the pain everday for the last 14 years, my son, now 34, hates my guts and he even emailed me a nasty letter telling me I was the worst Mom on earth, that he hated and could not love because of me, i never corrected him or knew whether or not he went to school, I raised 3 sons on my own, very diffucult, but I was proud of me for keeping it all together. sometimes we had no food we moved lots no birthday or christmas presents it was all i could do to pay rent food and utilities, my mom and sister lived in the same town both are very well to do, they would ride by me on my way walking to work in the rain and never stop. i loved my boys more than life, they had everything tv’s sets game systems in their rooms and i sat and talked and listned. now my son lives with my sister, the one who would not help us even when we were evicted in the dead of winter, she is rich and he loves material things, now they make fun of me and laugh.i have pleaded with God over and over how can this be happening to me, I loved you praised you kissed the ground you walked on. I just wrote to my son saying, no, i am not perfect, but God knows I did the best I could and said maybe you will forgive me someday, NO response. My mom calls they all live in the same place and makes sure on Mother’s Day she lets me know my son takes my sister to expensive places to eat. That hurts. My own Mom never loved me, i felt so ugly growing up, she hated my guts, i was fat ugly, my other sisters were prom queens so that pleased her, my mom is total materialistic, she can’t love, anyway i know what pain is. i feel like i am dieing inside each day. i hope someday my son will think, but i have long given up.

Comment by Luise

October 31, 2007 @ 6:57 pm

Well, it seem that for some of us it is open season on moms. I have no idea why except we all start out seeing our moms as bigger than life and then as we grow, sometimes they seem to shrink. We see them as omnipotent and then we find feet of clay. As I’ve said before, I had two sons, (one passed on at age 52.) One of them held me personally responsible for every problem he ever had. I can’t say he hated me because we both did out best to stay connected. The other son gives me far too much credit most of the time. Go figure!

Comment by Laura

November 5, 2007 @ 4:37 am

I cant believe I found this site. So relieved to find mothers who are experiencing the same horrible situation that I am. Me? Same scenario.. raised two sons alone. Divorced their father when they were 5 and 9. I loved my sons more than anything on this earth. Made every sacrifice ( Gladly) Yes, I made some mistakes ( we all do) and have admitted it, and apologized for it, over and over again. I am so destroyed by what is going on, that I barely have the strength to write. My oldest son just turned 27.
He has decided that he does not want me in his life. He is in therapy and he fabricates.. totally fabricates stories about his upbringing. He claims that he was physically abused, by me and called names. He told the therapist that when I was supposedly out working a night job, I really eas sleeping with men. Tells anyone who will listen, that I hate my beautiful grand daughter. He has also tried over and over again to turn his 23 year old brother against me. I am so stunned by this out come that I get up every day wondering why I bother to continue living. We live in a tiny country town. I sit in a small apartment alone. No visits, no holiday dinners, or happy times. Which is all I ever wanted, as a return for all the commitment, and all the hard times. Some years to enjoy the company of the boys as men. The dad was and is a horrific alcoholic who didnt pay child support, and totally ignored the boys when they were young. This son travels to see him, and has him down here as a guest. I do not attempt any contact with my son. If you really love someone, you try to give them what they want, and I would never push myself down anyones throat. There is so much more to tell, but you get the picture. One last thing, is that he tells these things to other people. Family, friends, business acquaintances of mine. I walk through the town, and want to hang my head, in shame for things I didnt do. What IS there to do about a situation like this? It is probably the most horrible thing I have ever experienced in my life. I will be honest and say this…. As much as I love this child, his cruelty has brought me to the point where I ask myself ” Is this someone that I want to know?” My only hope is that I pray to God that he will miraculously wake up one day, see the light, come to see me, and explain and apologize. But I guess I could wait forever……………………

Comment by Luise

November 5, 2007 @ 10:47 am

Answer: Dear Laura: I read such compassion in your comment…for your eldest son, for yourself and for all of us. I wonder sometimes, honestly, if some kids don’t just arrive with their fists up, ready for a fight. It would be the worst kind of cosmic joke if it had nothing to do with us at all. Love him from a distance and know that you don’t have to like him. We are lucky, you and I, to have nother sons, as well. Enjoy your younger son and you life and, when you can, pass on the “whys”. Blessings, Luise

Comment by Toni

November 10, 2007 @ 1:14 pm

Like Laura, I, too, cannot believe I found this site.I am a mother of 4 children and now sit here and wonder if I should have never been a mother at all. My husband and I split up 18 months ago and the 2 youngest (boys, 15 and 19 at the time) went to live with him since I was unable to financially afford to raise them. Yesterday, the 19 year old who is now 21, informed me as to how he and his siblings really feel about me. To say that I was stunned is an understatement. We all had our difficulties in our relationships, but I thought that if you loved someone you forgave them for their faults. My ex husband was held up as the standard bearer of wonderful while I was thought of as controlling, abusive and horrible. My ex was never home and I was left alone to raise 4 kids. When he was home, he was the “good time” dad. I was put into the role of disciplinarian and authority figure. My ex was the “friend”. My son informed me that they all get together at my ex’s and they hide that fact so that I’m not aware of the get-togethers. He almost seemed satisfied in letting me know that they sit and compare “war” stories of growing up. My husband was unable to keep a job for long, we were always in debt and in one period of time; on welfare.(a fact that I’m deeply ashamed of) We eventually lost our home which precipitated the split. My husband and I are both college educated and I can’t believe that my life came to this type of existence. I tried so hard to shield my children from their father’s inadequacies as a provider, I spent money when I shouldn’t have on clothes and toys so that they wouldn’t have been singled out at school and mocked and yet no credit is ever given to me for the good that I did do. I was always there for them. Always worked jobs that involved night hours, so that I could be home with them. Always involved with them with sports and activities. My God, I was a Girl Scout leader for 7 years and homeroom mother for all 4 kids in their classrooms. After the split, depression followed and my doctor placed me on Prozac. The pain that I am in is too much to bear. I am thankful that I have found this site so that I know that I am not alone. I am willing to reach out to anyone who is willing so that maybe we can help each other.

Comment by Tami

November 19, 2007 @ 11:10 am

I am so grateful for this site. My stomach is still turning from the things my son said to me yesterday. Ok- I was the WORST mother, according to him. So why do you keep coming around to tell me that?
I had to kick him out for throwing a chair. He is one of twins, age 21, and says that I had no reason to do that. So, the guilt gnaws at me. I have so much support but not from mothers who are getting this kind of treatment. Many people have been through it but not right now, at the holidays. He told me my whole family hates me and they don’t want me at Christmas, which is nonsense. Why does he need to blame me for everything, NEVER do I hear ONE good thing and I raised them alone, no child support and their father died last year from drug and alcohol abuse. I am so sick of this. HELP!

Comment by Luise

November 21, 2007 @ 7:27 am

Answer: Dear Tami: Healing often has to do with getting that we need to move on without knowing where other people are coming from and without being able to influence them. Adult children can and do make their own choices but abuse is never an option for the person being abused. You can’t change your son or his illusions. Blaming you lets him off the hook. But you can love and respect yourself, see yourself as human and therefore not perfect and turn toward those who simply make more sense to you. Blessings, Luise

Comment by mary

November 30, 2007 @ 11:19 am

I am having difficulting with my 14 year old and have come to the conclusion that I am the one who sends him into rages and hateful comments. There’s something about me that brings out the worst in him. Like you all, I’ve loved this child and been through with this child a lot of difficult things with a genetic disorder and also Aspergers. And it’s me who most of all irritates him. Many people have said that it’s the parent they most love (and know that parent loves them unconditionally) that they trust to treat the worst — to release all of their anger on. As I read your letters, we’re going through a lot of counseling and my son’s just left a hospital stay. I realize that my son may never choose to forgive me my shortcomings or want to have a good relationship with me. If that happens, I’m going to promise myself today that I will not spend holidays, etc., alone. There are plenty of children who would benefit from the love we have to give who don’t have anyone. If you’re able, I would lovingly suggest to all of you great moms out there, to visit your local children’s home or residential treatment center or whatever is in your area, and give those children the love your child is rejecting. They need it and will appreciate it, and I think you will feel appreciated and like you have a wonderful purpose in life. God bless you all!

Comment by Luise

November 30, 2007 @ 11:47 am

Answer: Dear Mary: Thank you so much from all of us! Blessings, Luise

Comment by Deborah

December 1, 2007 @ 10:19 pm

I can’t believe that I found this site. Like so many of you, I’ve felt completely alone in my sorrow for years and my heart reaches back to each of you. I’m so sorry for those of you who know this pain that only a mother’s heart can feel. I haven’t seen my son for almost 10 years and the pain has become unbearable. I’ve searched my heart to the point that it’s raw and torn apart. Was my son’s childhood as horrible as he says it was? I did make mistakes which I’ve admitted and have asked his forgiveness time and again. Although his childhood was far from perfect, I know in the very depths of me that it wasn’t as horrible as he says it was. I have asked if he could be more specific about what I did that’s so unforgivable. He can give me no answers. My son and I shared a close bond when he was growing up. I loved him and always gave my best to him born of that love. I began to struggle with depression in my late 20s and I know this was difficult for him, but I was diligent with my therapy and healing. I also made sure that he saw a therapist because I was so worried about how my depression may affect him. I was assured time and again by his therapist and church councelor that he was fine. Showed no symptoms of depression, was secure, happy and well adjusted. He did very well in school and is now happily married and has excelled in his dream profession. While he was growing up, I remained active in church, his small private school, and in life! I was highly functional. (Unlike now, as I’m disabled and barely surviving.) I took my role as a Christian mother seriously and worked so hard to create a home filled with love, comfort and peace. I miss my son and I’ll never understand why my daughter-in-law abhors me. I loved, gave and was always there for both of them. (Only my daughter and I went to their wedding. They had no support, financial or otherwise from the “bride’s family”.) I happily helped them with financial obligations, made their wedding cake, etc., as both of the kids worked and saved for their special day. I was given the honor of helping my daughter-in-law into her lovely wedding dress. She asked me to be there for her. I never interfered in their relationship when they were dating or after they married and moved far away, yet I’m now treated almost like a criminal by both of them. Things were truely wonderful during this transition of “losing a son, gaining a daughter” phase of life. My deepest pain now is knowing that my precious daughter has suffered throughout her childhood as my health, both mental and physical, has declined. I’m recently diagnosed with early onset dementia. My son’s childhood was heaven compared to my daughter’s, and her heart aches for her missing brother. There have been many deaths in the family, those closest to my daughter and I, so this needed extension of love and support doesn’t exist for her. She will turn 17 tomorrow and so much is missing in her life. Though distant and often unkind, my son and daughter-in-law always remembered her birthday. Not a single word or even a card from them this year. She received only one birthday card from a very distant relative. Am I a terrible person to wish that family could have helped with my daughter and shown her love in times of need? Maybe ice cream or a movie? A trip to the mall even if just to window shop? A few days of summer vacation with her 30 year old brother? I feel pain and admittedly anger at the same time. I love my daughter more than life itself and my heart crys out to God for her every waking moment. Dear God hold her so near. God help the heart of every mother. Life hurts those with the softest of hearts. My love to you all, Deborah

Comment by Luise

December 1, 2007 @ 10:50 pm

To All: This is so confusing to me sometimes. I have also seen kids who were really neglected and abused who thought their moms were just great. When adult children create an “open season on moms”, I see it as cruel. Even total strangers are often treated with more respect. There are no ready answers that I know of except for us to support each other and care. Blessings, Luise

Comment by christina

December 21, 2007 @ 6:00 pm

I am so thankful that I found this site. The last six months have been a nightmare with my son. He left the house at age 16 because he didnt like where we moved to. He is now living in a flat of his choosing. He absolutely hates me and I keep getting horrible texting of him. I cry constantly. I feel as if I am the worst mother ever. I have gotten to the point where I do love him but want nothing more to do with him. What can I do? Nothing. It’sa no win situation. I’m at my wits end with him. Any suggestions? C.

Comment by Luise

December 22, 2007 @ 5:39 pm

Answer: Dear C.: You do not have to suffer this abuse. No one has ever had a perfect mother…your son included. However, it is time to stop this. Get a new cell phone number. He may think everything he says about you is about you but it isn’t. A great deal of it is about him…his choices and his need to blame someone else for them. Love him in your heart but for your own peace of mind and health, turn away from what he is dishing out. He is grown and independent. You did your job. Now, retire from it. If he ever comes to his senses, that’s a whole different story. Right? Blessings, Luise

Comment by maddiemae

January 1, 2008 @ 8:06 pm

As most of you, I feel very much the same. It seems that most if not many of us were single parents. I know that I did not come from a loving family and began college and my own life with extremely low self esteem. I have four children from three fathers. I chose to leave these men due to circumstances I felt were not right for myself or children. I always walked for their sake while I could have stayed, kissed a**, and been taken care of. I moved back to my birth state hoping that my family had healed and grown up, however it was the largest mistake of my life. I have struggled and always put my children first financially, emotionally, and literally as many here, made them my life. Upon moving back “home”, I immediately gained 35lbs began to experience panick attacks and depression. I was always thin, attractive, athletic, and self assured otr West. My son seemed to instantly draw from my families disrespect for myself and “other” divorced siblings. He began to disrespect not only myself but became extremely cruel to his siblings (female) as well. This past summer he moved back out West where I had raised my children and in with his older sister who he had nothing but disgust with for years. Now she is Miss Wonderful as is his father who had nothing to do with them for over ten years as I raised him alone. His father is an alcoholic, and has slept around for years and continues to do so. I’m in the middle of law school, quit a 60k job to return to school three years ago. I’m visiting right now for the holidays and he has been told by all his sisters to leave me alone and quit disrespecting me. However, it continues as usual. My older brother molested me as a young child, physically and emotionally abused me my entire life. I’m beginning to feel the same pain from my son that I felt for years from my brother. I was always strong enough to walk away from abusive men for the sake of my children and self. However, this is a pain that I cannot describe. I’m always worried that one of us will die before we make peace with whatever is bothering him. Help please. Why can I be a brilliant law student but such a terrible mother. As most of you, I struggled to raise these children with unconditional love and support. My children are all incredible well respected by their peers and teachers. However, they disrespect me.

Comment by Luise

January 1, 2008 @ 9:15 pm

Answer: Dear M.: Oh, if I only knew! Family dynamics can be a bear and most of us enter into adulthood and motherhood without a clue. We learn as we grown and grow as we learn. The problem is none of us can do it perfectly and our kids can be pretty put out about that. Your best bet is to give your son room and hope he too will learn and grow. If that happens he may be able to eventually see what you did right, instead of focusing on where you didn’t measure up. He has, like all kids, a rude awakening coming when he finds out he isn’t perfect, either. Blessings, Luise

Comment by jill

January 7, 2008 @ 7:56 pm

I am also grateful I found this site. To imagine all I had to do was type in ” My son Hates me”
My tragedy happened this recent Christmas. I had cooked a big meal, had all the relatives over. It was a lovely evening, until something triggered a memory in my son- who is 26. And he admitted that because of me he had always felt like he couldn’t breath as a child. This was completely new to me- I had never heard of this before. I told him we needed to talk about this, but he took his 2 beautiful babies and young wife, and they all packed up and left. This put me in such despair. I seem to cry everyday now. Again this has a familiar theme to it, as the other mothers writing in. I raised my son alone, I have no other children. We were always very close. I regret the daycares, I regret the few relationships with men that I had, that he was exposed to. I always tried to give him a good home, healthy food, the clothes he needed. Now, he doesn’t talk to me, won’t return my calls or letters. I pray to surround him with love, because that is all I have ever done - is love him. Thank you mothers who have shared your pain. I never thought I would be in this situation. I hope to find a support group in my area. With Love Jill

Comment by Theresa

February 4, 2008 @ 5:54 pm

I too am in the same boat. I have called my son for two years and he doesn’t call me back. I write to him, tell him I love him unconditionally and he still does not want to have anything to do with me. I tried to do the best I could but nothing works. He is always angry, blames me for everything that happens to him and is very abusive. He has a sister and a niece and he doesn’t even bother with them. I sit here in pain and pray that some day the Lord will bring him back to me. As for now I take one day at a time and try to lead a Christian life and be the best person I can be. As for all of us, we can’t go back and change the past, we can only live for today. God Bless all of you.

Comment by Luise

February 4, 2008 @ 6:10 pm

Thank you. When this happened to me, I thought I was the only person in the world who had somehow messed up what mattered to me most. We all know that there are moms out there who didn’t try half as hard as we did and who are revered and respected by their sons. I gave up trying to understand it years ago. You are right, we can’t go back. And I don’t honestly know what I would do differently. Blessings, Luise

Comment by Carolyn

February 15, 2008 @ 9:16 am

Wow!…I can’t believe other women have the same story as me. I love my son so much and he hates me. He is 24 and the oldest of 4 children. His dad and I were married until he went away to the Navy at 18. His father was always manipulating and punishing him, He even shared pot with him. That’s the parent my son loves. I am extremely close to my two daughters who see their brother as a liar over past events. Our family is torn apart by my son (and his wife who believes his lies). They also will not let me see my granddaughter. As sad and crushed as I am, I know I have to move on with my life. I have exhausted myself trying to open a line to communication with this man. I am sorry for you all and relieved to know that I am not alone in my pain.

Comment by marguerite

February 19, 2008 @ 2:15 pm

thank you for this site I want to say so much but I’m feeling so emotional right now because Im not alone and these storys are so similar to what i’m going thru with my oldest son . It helps so much but makes me sad cause I know that it hurts alot. my heart goes out to all of you and god bless your hearts for he will help us over come and except the things we cannot change and give us the courage to change the things we can ..

Comment by Luise

February 19, 2008 @ 4:24 pm

Answer: Dear M.: Yes, it feels very supportive to me, too…to know that I am not alone in this painful situation. And we are all gaining the wisdom to know the difference between what we can change and what we can’t. Blessings, Liise

Comment by Catherine Todd

March 5, 2008 @ 4:31 pm

This site has made such a HUGE difference in my life… Each story could just about be “my story.” So many abusive young men out there… makes you start to wonder, doesn’t it? Each story is the “same story,” isn’t it. Could it be that the abusers out there start out young like this, and never change? Please keep writing. You are helping to keep my spirits up. I pray every day for God to grant me the “gift of forgiveness” and teach me “how to love.” Amen. Say a prayer for all of us.

Comment by Linda

March 18, 2008 @ 2:58 pm

Dear Catherine
I found this site by accident and yes I wonder too why there are so many young men like this My only son I lost in effect when he was a young child I left him with his father(abusive manipulator) who made my life hell He has recently (my son) decided to contact me Says he’s moved on(he hasn’t) and forgiven me??? for the past (he hasn’t) The pain I feel is worse than the death of a loved one and I have experienced that too.But I know I have to move on for my sanity for my health but its so hard.

Comment by catherine todd

March 19, 2008 @ 11:45 am

http://www.momresponds.com/233/hating-a-parent/#comment-4459

My Son Hates me

3.18.08

Dear Linda, I know exactly how you feel, and I have to accept that losing my son” is what is really going on, and give it a decent burial and grieve in the “normal ways.” I have to “learn to let go and let God” as there’s nothing else I can do.

I too recently rec’d an email along the same lines except that I haven’t been “forgiven,” in fact the “list of my crimes” just goes on and on. My son’s real father is a liar and manipulator (I don’t say this out of cruelty, just fact) and my son shares his genes and my own violent, cruel alcoholic father. Sometimes I think that we don’t realize the amount of weight “genetics” play in personality development. My son is exactly like my father, and alcoholic to boot.

I have to protect myself from him and any other abusive relationship, as I would if I was leaving an abusive husband. I’ve finally realized that these men don’t just “appear” full-grown, they start out that way when they are young! It just gets worse the older they get.

Your son contacting to you saying he has “forgiven you and moved on” is confusing and potentially cruel, in my estimation. I have written some similar type letters to people, but always dealt with SPECIFICS. What brought this message on?

Accepting the end / death of a relationship “as we know it” is just like a “death in the family.” In a way, it is, and even worse since they are still alive and we can’t see them or share anything with them anyway. And we don’t know why?

You wrote:

“I know I have to move on for my sanity for my health but its so hard.”

I understand completely, that is exactly what I am trying to do as well. Many people I know have pointed out that alcohol and drugs alter people’s minds and personalities. I couldn’t accept for the longest time that my son could possibly be an “alcoholic,” he knew that I NEVER had alcohol in the house because of what it did to so many of my family members.

When I finally learned how much he was drinking, at age 35, and how long he had been doing this, I was just horrified. I talked to him about this in an email, and he was so angry he attacked me over and over and has hardly spoken to me since. He and his girlfriend are “drinking buddies” and I believe she is truly his “alcohol demon,” and he wont’ stop until he hits some kind of personal bottom.

I have to accept that I can’t change him, his personality (which has been angry, irritable, self-centered and cruel since he was young), his drinking, his behavior, or his feelings towards me.

He hardened his heart a long time ago - looking back, he was born with a hard heart, really, and he has blamed me for everything in his life that didn’t turn out the way he wanted it to. He wants and needs to believe this despite all evidence to the contrary. After years of trying, I have finally had to accept that there is nothing I can do to change his perception; his personality and the chemical changes that have gone on in his brain have more power over him than I do. He’s just like my own angry, abusive father. There is nothing I can do about that, but pray. Pray for us all.

You can’t imagine the things he leaves out and makes up about how I have “treated him” (”mistreated him” as he would say). Nothing about me being a single mother and working and going to school at the same time so I could provide for him, nothing about marrying later on so he would have a decent “father figure” who didn’t beat him the way I was beaten as a child; nothing about me providing everything he wanted that money could buy and building my entire life around him, regardless of the cost… or the fact that in my day when he was born, and unmarried single mother was lower than a prostitute and I kept my child in spite of the stigma that was heaped upon us both. That’s why I got married, so he would have a better life, and does he appreciate any of it? Of course not!

How he has treated me is unimportant, and whenever he hurts me and I say “what are you doing, stop!” he says “There you go again, always playing the victim,” and I “deserved it.” Classic abuser, isn’t it? He treats all the women in his life this way. They don’t seem to understand that the way a son treats their mother is the way they will treat their wife. These girls have all learned the hard way, unfortunately.

I have prayed and prayed to ask God to help me and to help him… previously when all this was shattering like a landslide down on me, I cried nonstop and thought I was losing my mind.

Then I finally realized that my own son had me “by the ***” just like all the other abusers in my life, and no matter who they were, father, mother, son, sister, brother, friend, whatever: If they were doing damage in my life, to my personality, for whatever reason, I had to cut them out of my life. Easier said than done, but yes, it has to be done. Tina Turner said it best in her book about finally leaving her abusive husband Ike, and how she had to change herself to turn her life around. I read that book at least 20 years ago, and have never forgotten that line. It’s only now, little by little, I can see that my son is one of the last abusers in life, active and impacting my life.

My son did me the greatest favor of all by cutting ME off almost two years ago, after I brought up his drinking and he went off on me. You can’t imagine the things he accused me of! Many people who know him said he was probably drunk at the time, even as he was writing these horrendous emails. I could hardly believe it, or the phone calls, but in the context of a “mean drunk” it all made sense. I just could not believe that this was my “real son” for he had hidden it so well for so many years, with very brief visits every few years. We always had enough contact for him to get plenty of nice gifts and money when he needed it… and he never even had to “ask.” All he had to do was say “Love You Mom” and those three words would get him ANYTHING, no matter how dear. Then he could throw it in my face that “he never asked me for anything, so you don’t deserve a thing, you B***.” He is a real piece of work. I would NEVER accept this kind of treatment from a “grown man,” so why did I accept it from my “grown son?”

That’s my problem in a nutshell, not anything that this alcoholic phantom is dishing out. I taught him how he could treat me by letting him get away with it. Now I have to teach him that I won’t accept cruelty and disrespect, no matter how much I might want a “good relationship” with him. He knows my weaknesses and knows just where to strike, like all abusive manipulators, and I cannot allow my own loneliness and pain to allow me to “reach out” to someone who simply CANNOT GIVE BACK. I have to go to God and ask God for the healing that we both need. I have to ask God to give me the “gift of forgiveness and show me the way.” That’s all I have to do, and the rest will follow, if I practice patience in the meantime and keep my feet on the Path.

So over the last two years, and after each toxic contact (99%), I thought I was literally losing my mind, it hurt so badly… how could my son be treating me this way? Well, there is no end to it. You can’t win when it comes to a personality disorder or active addiction that is standing in the way.

I cried the entire time and tried to come up with ways that would resolve the problem… since I was doing all the work, I could effect positive change for a very brief period of time, but as everyone pointed out: It has to come from both people, or it’s useless in the end.

The best DVD I ever watched on this very subject came last night: “Becket (1964)” with Richard Burton and Peter O’Toole. Rent it right away!

O’Toole is the King of England, and behaves EXACTLY as my son does, and blames his mother and everyone around him in EXACTLY the same way! He abuses his own son, his wife, mother, courtiers, advisors, Richard Burton - as his friend and advisor, Thomas Becket… everyone who comes in contact with him, but he still expects them to “love him” unconditionally and they NEVER “love him enough.” His loves turns to hated in the blink of an eye, when he doesn’t get whatever he wants no matter what the cost.

It’s the best description of the alcoholic / borderline / narcissistic personality type I have ever seen.

Personality types are not made, they are BORN. We have very little to do with it no matter how much we were raised by Spock and Freud to believe it was “all the mother’s fault.” I think this is the greatest crime of all… we were never raised to recognize abusive children, as it was always “our fault.” When my son blamed me, well, why not? Everyone else was blaming me for his behavior, ever since he was a child.

No more. Now I have “God on my side” if I can only remember to pray. All I have to do is ask God to replace the anger and suffering in my heart with forgiveness, gladness and joy. I can’t get to the latter two yet, by any means, but I can ask to come to some kind of “peace and acceptance” and realize that all I really need to ask God to do is to show me “how to love.”

Not how to “get love in return,” but truly “how to love” with no thought of love in return. To send those “good vibes” and “positive thoughts” out into the universe, and to know that someday they will circle the globe and be returned to me.

In the meantime, to find those people and places that do welcome me, and develop relationships that are sustaining for me. That’s a new and very welcome thing in my life. Letting go of grief for what I cannot change, letting go of the “old days” no matter who is in it, and moving on to accept those “good things” that are being offered to me, now that there is room for them since I am clearing out all the past.

That is probably the greatest gift my son has given me: teaching me that I have no control over others, I cannot change the past no matter how much I might want to, but I can move on and find love from those people who wish to share it with me and are capable, eager and willing to do so.

Those people and that one inside MY SELF is where I want to be.

Thanks for writing… you can write directly to me any time, at ctodd1000@gmail.com.

I don’t know how to get an email notice from this website to notify me that add’t comments have been made. I just came upon it today by accident!

Yours, Catherine Todd, ctodd1000@gmail.com

Comment by Luise

March 20, 2008 @ 9:56 am

Answer: My site is open for comments, as you all can see, and sometimes when the subject is a powerful one, it feels a bit like a chat room. However, there is nothing in my software that notifies anyone of additional comments. Maybe it would serve you all to create a chat room, Catherine, to provide the kind of loving support you have offered to others above. Blessings, Luise

Comment by Luise

March 20, 2008 @ 10:06 am

P.S. to Catherine…and I would be happy to publish the URL for your chat room, if you decide to do that.

Comment by N.

March 23, 2008 @ 3:15 pm

For many years I coped without my son in my life and I thought I coped pretty well. Denial is pretty persuasive I guess. The truth of the matter was of course that I wasn’t coping. I dreamt of the day when we would be “reunited” but thats turned into its own nightmare. My son via his emails, which I have read a number of times, set out to lay all the blame for any of his misfortunes squarely at my feet. He has a lot to learn.
At present I am surrounded by so much negativity in my life and I’m dealing with this by repelling it, almost physically, as I feel it draw closer. I’m sending it back to those who would seek to undermine all that I have worked for. If I don’t do this I would surely falter by the wayside. The power of prayer is another powerful tool thats available to all of us. And Karma? Oh yes, I truly believe that what comes around goes around. I’ve seen the living proof of that already in this lifetime. So, to those of us who are mothers -I say hold you heads up high. Be proud of yourselves. Our sons chose their paths and their actions. But they can only undermine and destroy us if we allow them to do so. N.

Comment by Luise

March 23, 2008 @ 5:56 pm

Answer: Dear N.. Well put! As I’ve said before, I raised two sons. One blamed me for every problem and every failure and the other credited me with every success and evry win. Neither can be true. I fit in the middle someplace, I’m sure. Blessings, Luise

Comment by leslie parris

March 27, 2008 @ 7:16 pm

I keep returning to this site, intrigued to hear your voices, and for the support I so desperately need. What is so painful is having no way of stopping the pain. Like being addicted to something we can’t get hold of or fill ourselves with. The worst part for me is letting go of my son. It’s a joke, really, because I still have hope, and if I have hope then I still wish for him and that keeps the pain alive inside of me. I want a crystal ball so I can see inside my son’s head and heart. All I keep telling God is that I don’t understand. I don’t. I don’t understand one thing about my son’s hatred of me. There are no success stories I can find about mothers holding on to their hope and having their son’s coming back to them. It is the hopelessness and despair of truly letting go that drags me down. I can’t explain my son’s hatred to myself. My father beat me from the time I was 4 years old until I turned 15, yet, I still loved him. Even convicted murderers are still loved by their children. My son is 17 and lives with his father who has poisoned him against me in a way I never knew possible. It has been 5 long years and my son will not have ANY TYPE of contact with me, wishes I will die and calls me ugly names if he sees me on the street. Thank you for this place. I feel like I’m walking dead until I read your letters. I know I can get up and move on. L.

Comment by Luise

March 27, 2008 @ 8:58 pm

Answer: Dear L.: Yes, some continue to love against all odds but not everyone does. And some hate without tangible provocation but not everyone. Most of us can’t begin to understand the dynamics and the undercurrents. That your “ex” would use your son as a weapon is horrible. That your son would buy it is sad. And again, it’s all about them…not you. You gave him life and you will always love him. Whether you let go or not doesn’t change things. For now, at least, he’s gone. That may not always be so. We just don’t know. I never actually reconciled fully with my eldest son but we did attain a truce of sorts when he was a grown man and a grandfather. It took a lot of work and we never stopped walking on eggshells. At 52 he had a massive stroke in his sleep and never woke up. He had no idea he was ill and had just had a great day at work. When my grandson, then in college, called to tell me, I wasn’t home. He left a message to call him and said “Grammalu, something terrible has happened.” I turned to my husband and quietly said “Dwight is dead. Nothing else could shake Ben up like that.” And at that moment…I heard Dwight’s voice very clearly saying to me…”I’m fine, Mom.” That didn’t happen to anyone else. It was his gift to me and it got me through the days that followed. I was at peace because of it. I’d never had an experience like that before and I have never had once since. Can it be that hate doesn’t “cross over?” If so, love is the one thing we can count on beyond all of this. Who knows? I feel that I do. Blessings, Luise

Comment by leslie parris

March 29, 2008 @ 2:42 am

Dear Luise: What a beautiful and loving experience you had hearing your son after having his massive stroke. Thank you for sharing this because it reaffirms my deepest belief that I will always be bound to my son through eternity and that my life with him today is just one of many more to come. You said to me “Whether you let go or not doesn’t change things.” This struck me to the core. It doesn’t matter what I do, and I’ve done everything but bring the moon to my son. It’s knowing that I don’t matter which equates to non existence which turns into forgetting all about me and becoming invisible that is the most painful of all. I would drop to my knees and wrap my arms around my son if he came to my door. He knows this and he makes fun of my pain. I can’t understand his cruelty. I can’t understand how he forgets his entire life with me. I wish I could hate him and try to, but it’s not what I’m made of. What is God’s lesson for us? Why are we the ones to suffer and not our sons? Why are we punished for loving with all our heart? Are we to learn to separate ourselves and love God and that loving God alone should be enough for us? L.

I’m deeply sorry to hear about yor son, Luise. I’m grateful for your strength and that you sent this to me.

Leslie

Comment by Luise

March 29, 2008 @ 12:10 pm

Answer: Dear Leslie: I have never told that story before. Maybe that’s because it was especially for you. And of course if it touches others, I am grateful. Also, I try not to step on the belief systems of others and any reference to an afterlife has that potential. I think we all find different lessons in our life experiences. What I learned from Dwight is that part of my life is about parenting but is is not all about parenting. Many people never have children and they still make a difference and are fulfilled. My lesson was to not get stuck in seeing my self-value in anything external and that includes my family. My identity and self-worth are about who I am within not what my reactions are to the choices made by others. It was/is a hard lesson for me. Also don’t be too sure that your son isn’t suffering. If he didn’t care, he wouldn’t be doing any of this. He wouldn’t be interested one way or the other. I have found that for me at least, it is a total waste of time and effort to try to figure out why other people, including my children, do what they do. I have enough trouble trying to track my own attitudes, reactions, opiniona and behavior so that I can be as responsible as possilbe. Your own answers lie within and you are doing a great job of confronting the questions that are plaguing you. Combining sharing with others and introspection is or can be a prayerful experience. Blessings, Luise P.S. If you would like to meet my younger son, Kirk, who designed my website and is my webmaster and best friend, go to my Bio. There is a picture of us together there.

Comment by Linda

March 30, 2008 @ 3:19 pm

Dear Leslie: I feel and share your pain. Only those of us in this position can possibly understand. Those with what I call “normal”, (if there is such a thing?), families will never understand and I avoid all discussion on this subject with them. I believe that your son is suffering in his own way. Otherwise, yes, he wouldn’t bother to react and to say the things he does. He knows deep down that he is acting cruelly. For some reason he has set out to punish you and he’s doing a great job just as my son is punishing me. Now its time to call a halt to it. He cut you out of his life and you have to do the same,(for now.) For your well being…your sanity. I mentioned in an email to a friend that this is psychological warfare that is being used upon us and thats exactly what it is. One day hopefully he will become a “real” adult. That may take years but I pray he “sees the light” but if he doesn’t you have to rise above this…survive it. Thats what I’m teaching myself at present, (or trying to anyway.)
We have no control over how others perceive us in this world. The abuse I suffered as a child has served to only worsen this. (I suffered to at the hands of my mother.) That abuse, I believe, “set me up” in many ways to be easily moulded into this role of believing I deserved this, deep down. It’ taken me many years to see what damage was inflicted both upon myself and others and only now, in my 50’s, am I realising I have carried this all my life in all relationships. So Leslie stand tall. Rise above this. You didn’t deserve this and take heart that you are not alone. L.

Comment by Luise

March 30, 2008 @ 5:17 pm

Answer: Dear L.: Thanks so much. Our dynamics may not be the same but they are often very similar. A psychologist once told me that a very tiny child sees the parent as all-powerful and God-like. The mother often gets the brunt of this unfair image because she is around more than the dad. In addition, for a little boy, his mother is his first love. These can be two totally loaded concepts. Our sons must eventually see us with “feet of clay” and as being unsuitable for a “love-match.” This is all unconsious stuff. Some sons weather the transition well and learn to stand alone and seek loves of their own…even choosing to build lifetime friendships with their mothers based on equality. Others never get over the shock of our humanness and unavailability…and hate us for it. Blessings, Luise

Comment by leslie parris

March 30, 2008 @ 9:40 pm

Hi Everyone: Your’e absolutely right. I need to step out of this psychological warfare and let go. It’s heartening to know that all of us in this situation understand how painfully difficult this is to accomplish. I wonder if I’m normal because my grief goes in cycles. I feel happy and able to put my son way back in a cloest in my head. But subtle things eventually trigger the lock on that door and out he comes and down I go. I sleep for days until I can get thru a day without crying, then I know I’m good for a long stretch of happiness. But he always comes back and it hits me so hard I can’t control the wave of grief about to crush me. Does anyone else experience this process? L.

Comment by Luise

March 30, 2008 @ 9:47 pm

Answer: Dear L. Well, I know feeling are never constant. We are always the riding waves. What you are describing sounds like the grief process to me. And if this isn’t about grief, I don’t know what is. I think is some ways it’s harder than having someone die. Perhaps a grief counselor could help you. Blessings, Luise

Comment by Linda

March 31, 2008 @ 3:02 pm

Dear Leslie: I know what you mean, exactly. It comes and goes. When someone negative hits us, it can rise up and hit us in the face full on. But knowing that, you can arm yourself not to think negatively at that time. Remember who YOU are! You are the good person and again we have to rise above it not let “it” defeat us. It’s a battle and one I feel can last a lifetime but we women are strong. If we weren’t, we would have gone under a long time ago. Stay strong. L.

Comment by Luise

March 31, 2008 @ 3:19 pm

Abswer; Dear L.s: Way to go! Luise

Comment by H.

April 13, 2008 @ 5:14 pm

Thank you all. I felt like I was the only one. I had 2 children and divorced by the time I was 19 years old. My mother. who has a borderline personality disorder and other mental issues, convinced me it would be best if she took them and I agreed. When the kids were 10 and 12, my new husband and I took them to live with us/ Things were hard but we managed to make a family along with another son. Our middle son is married to a woman who constantly makes me out to be a horrible person because of choices that I made when I was young. I apologized. Things were OK. Now, all of a sudden, he will not speak to me. He blames us for everything. At every family function he brings up past events and tries to hurt our feelings in every converstation. I feel guilty and dont know how to get him to understand that I have done the best I could. We all went through a hard time. I feel like he wants me to pay for the rest of my life for things that happend 20 years ago and things my mother did that I was not aware of. Thanks for listening. Any advice? H.

Comment by Luise

April 13, 2008 @ 6:57 pm

Answer: Dear H. What we seem to be seeing over and over again is how handy it is that we weren’t perfect. Blaming us is so easy. Our parents weren’t, perfect either. It’s not a perfect world. We start out young and inexperienced, often with two strikes against us. That’s just the way it is/was. Some kids seem to come into this world with understanding and compassion and some seem to have a chips on their shoulders and an axes to grind. How much do we add to that? Who knows? The truth is, that was then and this is now. Why live in the “then” forever and miss the possible joys of the “now?” For one reason and one reason only, to not have to be responsible and to be right at the same time. How sad. Blessings, Luise

Comment by WRONGLY ACCUSED PARENTS

April 26, 2008 @ 8:41 pm

This is a sad world when today’s children grow up who were lavished with love and anything he needed only to grow up & diss their parents for no real good reason. I know this wonderful lady who was a single mother (of 16 years). I was very close to her and watched the way she raised her son. Later about age 16 he began the disrespect toward her until she finally had to ask him to find another place to live (after age 18). He’s going to be 27 years old and for 8 years ignores her as well as his own 7 yr old child he chooses not to ever see. Is is possible that some kids hate the fact that they have to grow up?

Comment by Luise

April 26, 2008 @ 8:50 pm

I have often wondered that, too. The transition from boy to man happens at the same time that the mother must change from saint to human. For some, it just seems to be too much to cope with and rage and separation are what surface. It is truly sad. I have been there, as you know if you have read the previous posts. My eldest son and I came to a “sort of” truce before he passed on at age 52…eight years ago. Too little, too late. Blessings, Luise

Comment by A.

May 14, 2008 @ 6:54 am

I can totally relate to all your stories. My son who is almost through law school has an unexplained hatred toward me. In his last e-mail, he told me that he hopes I die and that he fantasizes about the day he will come to pee on my grave. I can only pray for him and those around him (spouse and child) and hope to God that they are never victims of his anger. I feel sad at the loss of my son who has refused to see me for 2 years now and I am sad at not being able to see my first grandchild. I am grateful for the loving relationship I share with my 2 daughters and I try to focus on the positive aspects of my life. A.

Comment by Luise

May 14, 2008 @ 9:49 am

Answer: Dear A.: What a lovely statement of inherent dignity. What other adults, including our own children, do is about them…not us. Blessings, Luise

Comment by E.

May 14, 2008 @ 9:07 pm

I go between really wanting to die and wanting to live. Why would my son, whom we adorded turn around and treat us, not with hate so much as with apathy? Apathy is the opposite of love, not hate. I think he used us to further his life, still does in fact. We fall for it every time. He is very well set financially. He married very well…a rich wife. We are not as well fixed as they are. We’re kind of his dumping ground. Take care of the dogs when they go on vacations, keep the grandchildren when they need us. He said to me after I said he was so cold to me: “well, I’m happy”. I don’t understand what that means. It must mean that he wasn’t happy here and now he is. He never calls us, his wife does but not him. He never comes over here. We were so close. Where do parents go to bury their hearts? Mine is dead. I heard that when someone acts out, it’s THEM, not you. I know that is true but in this case, he just gives nothing to us. We gave him everything. Help. E.

Comment by Luise

May 15, 2008 @ 7:42 am

Answer: Dear E.: What you are experiencing may last forever or it may change. You have no way of knowing. Some children become adults and let us down completely regarding how they think that should look. I have also seen interested and devoted young adults that are just wonderful to what look like totally undeserving, demanding and complaining parents. It would seem that our job is to adjust to whatever they make up. They grow up and leave and then that’s the way it is. If a satisfactory relationship surfaces, it does and if it doesn’t, we have to set aside our pictures of how we thought it was going to be and create meaning in our lives beyond parenting. As I have written previously, I have one of each…a thoughtless and accusing son and one that is attentive and deeply respectful. I have no idea what that is all about and you are right, I don’t think it has very much to do with me. They just took different paths. When you can, move past wanting to live or die because of your son’s attitude and focus on being motivated by other things…hobbies, friendships, volunteering, church or club work, etc. You get to have a life that you find rewarding. Don’t let him ruin it for you. Enjoy the other aspects availble to you. You are more than a parent. People who have never had children can and do lead full lives. Blesings, Luise

Comment by E.

May 15, 2008 @ 12:02 pm

Thank you so much. I am doing a lot of things plus running a business so I am involved but with such a heavy heart. These postings give me hope, though, that I’m not the only one out there. I hate for others to be going through this but with them comes comfort to us all.

A study was done years ago asking if people had it to do over again, would they have children. A resounding “no” was the reply! I couldn’t believe it. I guess I understand it now because when they’re little they step on your toes and when they’re grown they step on your heart.

Comment by Luise

May 15, 2008 @ 12:28 pm

Answer: Dear E.: You’re welcome. We belong to a rather large group. I often think about how hard we work to make sure our kids are happy…while very little thought goes into whether “mom” is happy. So, we produce kids that think all that matters to us is whether they are happy or not and your son has reassured you that he is. Maybe he thinks that is supposed to be all you want and need. Parenting is about giving with no guarantee regarding how it will all turn out. That’s a pretty lopsided concept for those of us who are discarded like a pair of old shoes…and then blamed for the calluses of life. It’s easy to get into self-pity but the victim role just makes it worse. Better to pull up our socks and move on. Would you do it again? Interesting question.
My youngest son is my dear friend and I still have no idea why. You can see his picture at the end of my bio on this website…which he designed and maintains for me. You have your business. That’s great! And you have your dignity and self-respect knowing you gave it your best shot. Blessings, Luise

Comment by E.

May 15, 2008 @ 2:25 pm

I looked at your darling picture of you and your son. How precious that is! What a blessing for both of you.
I see your point in the statement, “well, I’m happy”. I wish it had had the feeling in it that I just wanted his happiness and that he was and he was telling me that.

But, that wasn’t it. It was something in his tone after treating me very coldly. I told him that he was being so cold and that’s when he said he was happy.

I got the distinct feeling that he thought either I didn’t want him to be happy or that he wasn’t happy here. I can not talk to him. He will not allow it.

Thanks so much for your insight!

Comment by Luise

May 15, 2008 @ 3:16 pm

P.S. to E.: Some doors stay closed and some don’t. We have no way of knowing. Certainly no conversation means no relationship at this time. Been there and done that with my eldest son but we did get back to a variety of “walking on eggs” before he died. It wasn’t much but it was still better than nothing at all. My site is place where those of us who know this pain can support each other in healing. Thanks for your contribution.

Comment by Y.

May 15, 2008 @ 3:44 pm

My beautiful daughter died at 24 from cancer. She left a note telling me it was a blessing to have me as her mother.
My son now 33 told me he has hated me his whole life, and now wants me out of it. I have a granddaughter that I will never get to see. I am so broken. Y.

Comment by Luise

May 15, 2008 @ 4:13 pm

Answer: Dear Y.: Your story is so sad. Some of us do get broken in the process of livng through what comes our way from parenting. When I lost my eldest son to hate, he was a teenager and when I lost him again to death he was 52 and a grandfather. All I can remember clearly at the time of his death is that it seemed so wrong to outlive my offspring. We are supposed to go first in the grand scheme of things. I believe we can heal if we are willing to and can find purpose beyond our roles as parents. And we can help each other by listening and by caring. It can take way some of the terrible aloneness. Blessings, Luise

Comment by I.

May 15, 2008 @ 5:22 pm

I have been reading quite a bit about “Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)” and have come to the conclusion that this may be a major contributor to the question of “why does my son hate me when no one else does?” and can include other family members. If depression and diabetes “runs in families” why not BPD?

There’s a ton of videos on YouTube that describe exactly what is going on with young people with this disorder (made by the young people themselves) and I swear, it sounds so much like my son it’s scary. The unexplained rages, constant irritation, hatred, not talking, blaming, crazy conclusions and comments, drinking, gambling, all around negativity and nastiness. Directed first and foremost at “Mom” and then at the rest of the world, when it suits his fancy. He knows how to behave in public (most of the time) but why not use Mom for a punching bag as long as she will let him? Just like an abusive husband, which he was also, until his wife left him.

Now he has a BPD alcoholic girlfriend so they drink and fight together. Match made in heaven, apparently. She is his alcohol demon, I firmly believe. But there’s nothing I can do about it, since I am “out of the picture” completely, especially since I no longer send checks and there’s nothing left to do but attack me whenever I try to make contact to say “how are you, still love you.” I have had to work very hard to stick to the “no contact rule” and let him come to me, if he ever decides to do so. Very unlikely at this point, especially with the drinking going on.

I’m also reading a lot about BPD and substance abuse (my son, again) and am wondering if this has something to do with it. As sad as I still am, I am starting to see the Light at the End of the Tunnel and am no longer blaming or questioning myself, for the very first time in thirty years, and am not disappointed or angry at my son. If he is ill with this disorder, then this explains everything. Just about. Now, it’s just “how do I deal with it?” There’s a book on Amazon called “Walking on Eggshells,” but it puts a lot of the blame / responsibility on the people having to deal with the BPD person, but it’s something to start with. There is also a BPD411.org website that has a discussion list, which has been very informative. Some of the stories are EXACTLY like mine.

Thank you so much for this website, and for everyone who is here sharing their stories. It has helped so much for me to stop blaming myself and learn how to accept things as they are (no matter how difficult that may be), accept that I am powerless to change the way he acts or feels (no more codependent behavior on my part!) and most importantly, learn how to pray. When I feel sad (most of the time) I ask God to watch over me and my son, and everyone else in my life and in the world, and I �put it in God�s Hands.� What more can we do? And what a relief to do so.

Thank you thank you thank you, I try to always look around and remind myself of �here and now� and what do I have to be grateful for right now? I can usually find something right off the bat, and that moment in time, in �present time� can change everything if I just remember to do so. Gratefulness.org has another great website with an emailed �Word for the Day� that I just love, as much as I love this website. Thanks again, Luise! I.

Comment by Luise

May 15, 2008 @ 5:59 pm

Answer: Dear I.: We need to be realy careful when we start diagnosing. At least I do. It’s natural, of course, to try to make sense of our situations. Your last paragraph is so inspiring. We share the major benchmarks of our “stories” and then, if an when we are ready to do it…we can move on into the “Here and Now”, looking for and finding cause for gratitude. How lovely! And thanks for the URL. Blessings, Luise

Comment by E.

May 15, 2008 @ 6:32 pm

Dear Y,
Your words break my heart. I know that it is “HIM” and not you but those words don’t mean a thing when you’re in the midst of this hell on earth.

I have found if I don’t react at all at anything my son does or says, the better he is. At first, I was suicidal and now after many months, years even, I steal myself against anything he might say. I act and now almost feel a sense of “I don’t care” when I’m with him. It’s starting to take. I can see him now as a kind of a sad person now that I’ve backed away. I can view him now as he really is. E.

Comment by J.

May 18, 2008 @ 9:46 am

I’m so glad to have found this site. I am a “hated” mother of a son, my only child. Friends have often told me that it would be easier for me had I had other children. It would be more apparent that it was him that had the problem. It would certainly be easier if it was I with the total problem because then I would be able to addess it and hopefully correct it.
I look back for answers constantly. The best I can do is reconize that my son started actly poorly towards me (we use to be very close) when I refused to reconcile with his father. His father and I had been divorced for 9 years and many court battles. His father later died of cirroshis and now my son had made him a saint and I the one responsible for his death because I divorced him all those years ago. I divorced him BECAUSE he was heavily drinking.
My son is now 33. His father died when he was 21. Last fall I told him I would no longer be his verbal punching bag. That at 33 he could no longer blame his father or me for any of his problems real or imagined. He’s really angry that I wouldn’t keep playing his game and several months ago he took “charge” which is what he always wants and said I was not to contact him or his family. I am relieved in a way. No contact is better than what it was. I actually worry now that he will contact me again and want some kind of relationship which I think would only be him pulling me back in like abusers do. Mother’s Day etc. cause heart aches so I am thankful there are no occassions til winter to feel badly about. None of us deserve this treatment. Please remember that and on occassion, remind me. J.

Comment by Luise

May 18, 2008 @ 12:00 pm

Answer: Dear J.: We start out bigger than life to a tiny baby and “all-powerful.” Their very survival is in our hands. With sons, we are probably thier first love, as well. To some, it seems to be an accute disappointment that we become more and more limited and human and less and less omnipotent as the years go by. Eventually, it become evident that we have feet of clay and no magic wands. We can’t fix broken marriages or broken people and “make it all better.” We are forgiven by some and hated by others. Their choice. I had one of each…and see no reason for the vast difference in their attitudes. Good for you for seeing the freedome in your removal from the never-ending “Somebody Done Me Wrong Song.” Blessings. Luise

Comment by E.

May 27, 2008 @ 3:01 am

I miss my sons. Heartbroken.

Comment by Luise

May 27, 2008 @ 3:17 pm

Yes, I think that’s the bottom line for all of us. We are trying to help each other pick up the pieces and go on.Blessings, Luise

Comment by A.

June 4, 2008 @ 10:58 am

Dear Readers, Dear Luise,

I wrote the 4592 note… I am looking for words of comfort today. My 23 y.o. son, a soon-to-be lawyer (eldest of 3 children) has developed hatred towards me. He lives 500 km away with a 36 y.o. woman and they had a child in March. He is also forbidding me to see his baby. I can’t find an explanation to his bahavior and my son hasn’t offered any explanation aside from saying that I prefer his 2 sisters and that I gave him less money. Last week he attended a wedding party where lots of my family members were. He even told my brother in law that this summer he will come to show me the baby. Sadly, that was only to shut everyone up so that they wouldn’t question him about his attitude with me ( in my first note here I had mentioned his fantasies about me being dead and him being anxious to come and pee on my grave).

I am a mental health counsellor and I am very appreciated in my work environment but believe me when it comes time to our own children, there is no way to help ourselves that way.

How do we cope with that? Is there hope ? I sometimes feel that there is no more hope with my son. As for my grandson, I have to wait till he’s old enough to ask to see me himself. What are your suggestions ? Thank you so much. A.

Comment by N.

June 5, 2008 @ 3:27 am

I thought I was alone with a twenty four year old thats hated me since 12. I have tried so hard to show how much I care. I want to live my life abuse free and with him its always name calling, lies, whitholding, rage, punching me, calling me names. This last time I got in trouble for asking for a tissue at a funeral when we left in his car. He drove 90 and on the wrong side of the road. He raged at me telling me what a rotten person I was. I got out of his car after telling him i would live my life and he can live his and no contact. I told him what he said to me was his opinion. I have not heard from him and do not want to talk to someone who hates me for being human. At 56 I want peace in my life and no haters are going to invade or distroy me. Hate kills. I see him as someone I do not know. He was once my sweet boy who I protected and loved. I pray that he can be redeemed because he wont have a good life from the fallout of being a hater of a mom who loves him. He once told me he can not wait until I die. Oh so sick and troubling to even type this. Pray for us please! N.

Comment by Luise

June 5, 2008 @ 7:56 am

Dear A. and N.: The only way to peace that I know of is to disonnect out of self-respect and self-preservation. We love these little guys and we give them our best. Then, it’s up to them. A lot of other things, both internal and external, shape them besides their mothers. And when we get to the bottom line, the choice of how to live and who to love is theirs…as is how to hate and who to blame. We’re handy, I guess. When my eldest son turned on me in his teens I thought I could fix it. I thought it was my fault. Neither were true. What I came to believe is that I was a whole person with many viable reasons to have a full life before I centered it around parenting…and I could have that and be that again. I was unwilling to hand him my life on a silver platter and wait to see what he decided to do with it. To heal, we try our best, give up when our survival depends on it and then we pick up the pieces and go on. Life isn’t over until it’s over and there’s more to it than the fulfillment of relating in a positive way to adult children. I know that’s hard to get but it’s true. Blessings, Luise

Comment by I.

June 5, 2008 @ 9:46 pm

Dear N, I understand completely how you feel. My son hated me since age 14 (if not before), and nothing has changed in 36 years, really since the day he was born.

I have found a great deal of understanding AT LAST in reading a couple of books: “I Hate You Don’t Leave Me” and “Stop Walking on Eggshells.” Check them out at Amazon and read the comments and reviews, and find out all you can about Borderline Personality Disorder, alcoholism and other addictions.

They seem to go hand in hand with abandonment issues, rage (often misplaced) and codependency issues for mothers such as myself. I have been, in retrospect, a perfect doormat tying to “prove” to my son that I loved him; for sure “this time” he would have to see it and love me in return! Once I read Melody Beattie’s wonderful books on codependency, I saw myself in every word, in every sentence, every paragraph and every page. I still couldn’t undertand my son’s behavior until I read the other two BPD books.

I agree with Luise saying we “must be careful not to diagnose” without a degree, but the books have helped me see what is going on with my family… not just my son, and my part in it (buying into the criticism and hatred and manipulation). The bpd411 website has really helped me go through the on-going “no contact” stance I have had to take for self-preservation.

Now all I can do is practice what I am learning on a daily basis and PRAY PRAY PRAY. I am really coming to believe in that; what else can we do? And share our burdens and our joy (when we can find it) on wonderful websites such as here.

Good luck and let us know how you are getting along. Once you read some of these books you will see that most probably you have very little to do with your son’s feelings about anything, but there are steps you can do to define your own life in a positive and productive way. At least that is what I am trying to do, and hope you are able to do as well.

God Bless and don’t give up! Hand in there, it does get better. Darkest before the dawn, and all that… Love from all of us. I.

Comment by Luise

June 6, 2008 @ 6:53 am

Dear I: Thank you so much for the very positive suggestions. Blessings, Luise

Comment by C.

June 13, 2008 @ 3:51 am

This site is a gold mine for me. I have a son who hates me and blames me for everything, and transfers rage toward his wife at me. I am lucky enough to live in his home. They are buying it form her adopted relatives. I am helping them pay for it, and it is getting so that I am yelled and screamed at by both of them on a regular basis. I am numb, and cant seem to figure out what to do when it comes to moving, I am frozen, and experience such painful emotions I can’t function when I think of it. I am close with three of my grandchildren, but my daughter in law has turned the oldest one against me. Leaving the other little ones especially my grandson is really painful. C.

Comment by Luise

June 13, 2008 @ 6:42 am

Dear C. How wise of you to see that your son is transfering his rage toward his wife to you. Seeing yourself as “lucky” to be living there, however, is beyond me. For most of us humans, two generations under one roof is one too many. In a perfect world of perfect folks, it might be utopia but we don’t qualify. Find an advocate or a counselor to support you in removing yourself from this crippling abuse. It isn’t good for your grandchildren, either, to see what is going on and to use what they see as a role model of how adult behavior should be. Blessings, Luise

Comment by G.

June 16, 2008 @ 4:21 pm

Luise, thanks so much for referring me from one comment posting to this one. Like most everyone here, I felt so alone. I don’t take comfort in the fact that others are going through what I am “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy” but I am encouraged that this happens to good loving mothers. I know my son loves me even if he refuses to see me. His wife made him make a choice and he did. They gave me no reason for this position and I have lived the last 1 1/2 years trying to come to terms with it. I want to grow in Character - but I will first have to lay down my sorrow. Nothing will replace my son, but everyday I spend in sorrow is a day I waste. It is the hardest thing I’ve ever done and it will take God to get me (all of us) through this. I may not ever get to meet my Granddaughter but I am writing to her. I have started a scrapbook, and hope to pass on information about me and my side of the family (he has cut my family out completely). I have also started a savings account for her that we all contribute to instead of sending unwanted gifts. I bought her birthstone ring right after she was born and I wear it everyday to remember her. One day I will pass it on to her. She may or may not accept or appreciate any of this one day - but I live with the hope that she will and that whatever she hears or thinks about me - she will know I wanted to be a part of her life. Thanks to all of you for sharing and helping me to see I am not alone. G.

Comment by Luise

June 16, 2008 @ 5:16 pm

Dear G. Thanks for joining us on this link. We are a large a diverse group and you are definitely not alone! I didn’t publish some of your post because I try to respect the fact that the web reaches into every country and every belief system and there are many different religions represented here. I don’t make it a point to catch and remove every reference to faith but I do want everyone to feel welcome and accepted. Blessings, Luise

Comment by I.

June 18, 2008 @ 4:52 pm

I have a 19 yr old that moved out and is living with my ex, he moved out 3 yrs ago. My son has always lived with me. Now my son tries to blame me for everything. He invites his dad (who just got arrested for possession) to things such as for prom pics, etc. but not me…He never invites me at all. My ex has always hated me, been divorced for over 15 yrs and has done a good job brain-washing my son. My son thinks that I emotionally abused him because we fought alot and that he had to leave my home because of me. My son doesn’t hold back what he has to say and at times is very hurtful and very disrespectful. He will never apologize, instead he tries to put the blame on me and say that I freak out. My son decided not to see me for over 1/2 year last year and I was diagnosed with depression. All of a sudden he text messaged me saying he was sorry that he let things get so bad. I saw him every week up until a couple of weeks ago and now he wants nothing to do with me. He has a girlfriend and she has only met me 2 times in 2 years. My son will see me but only alone, not around other people. He treats me like I’m not good enough or I’m a loser. I’ve decided that I don’t want a relationship like this. I’m not contacting him. I think of what it would like to have a normal relationship with him but I’m so afraid that it will never happen. I.

Comment by Luise

June 18, 2008 @ 5:58 pm

Dear I. Your son is having a hard time trying to figure all of this out. His off-again…on-again behavior shows that. And you have to do what is needed to keep yourself in balance. Abuse is abuse, whether it is misguided or not. Good for you for setting boundaries. Blessings, Luise

Comment by W.

June 27, 2008 @ 2:28 pm

Most of the comments I’ve read here are by single parents but I’m here to say the same thing has happened to me and my husband of 40 years. We always had a very good relationship with our son until he met a woman, dated for 5 months, then married. He was 33 at the time. After meeting our DIL to be, he started accusing me of not “loving” her, then progressed over the next 4 years as to becoming more vicious to myself, husband and his sister. He rages at us about bizarre things from his childhood all the way up to now. Nothing makes since. I finally had to start therapy for myself because I was feeling so bad. He refused to go to family counseling and has no interest in hearing anything we say. I’ve been through so many emotions that I think I’m finally getting to the stage where I can let him go. He’s not the same person we knew. This person I don’t even like and I really don’t have any hope he will see the light anytime soon. W.