Question: Dear Luise: My son is grown, married and has grown children of his own. Yet he seems obsessed with what a bad mother I was. He tells his wife and kids stories of how I upstaged him at his birthday parties, and gave unsolicited advice. He constantly reminds me of phrases I repeat and is always ready to think the worst of me. He tried to poison his brother against me but hasn’t succeeded. I love him dearly and always have. He was a planned for child and a great little kid. I just can’t understand why he can’t let me live in the land of humans, forgive me my trespasses and get on with his life. Will this ever end? Betsy
Answer: Dear Betsy: How incredibly painful to be reminded of every failure without any references and thanks for every success. Parenting, for the most part, is a combination of the two.
You ask when this will ever end…for whom? It may never end for him if he’s really become attached to making you the evil force that was ever-present in his childhood. It can end for you when you’ve had enough. Put him on notice that you are not going to listen to any more of his pitiful, attention getting childishness.
Your son is an adult. His job is to keep what he liked from his upbringing and change the rest. He’s responsible for remaking himself, honing off the rough edges and standing tall without whimpering. If he doesn’t choose to do that, know that you did your part and let it go.
You are not his punching bag and you are not the root of all evil. You did your best and that’s all anyone can expect. There are people out there who were not welcomed into a family the way your son was. There are those who never knew a mom…perfect or otherwise. There are moms who never should have taken on the job and who were really abusive. I’d be willing to put my money on the fact that you’re not one of them.
Make it very clear that you will leave his presence any time he starts in on you. Let him know that you’ve heard all the bad stuff, and he now needs to devote equal time to relating every caring and wonderful thing you ever did. His only other option is silence. Stand by your guns. Blessings, Luise
My son is 30 years old an hates me and wants nothing to do with me. This is all over an and misunderstanding we had over his wedding plans. I do admit I was partly at fault but he won’t even listen to me.
He changed his phone # so I couldn’t get in touch with him. My sister gave it to me now he won’t have anything to do with her. I sent him Text message saying that I wish him all the happiness in the world and am so sorry all this took place and only hope that one day I will have my son back and hopefully have a relationship with my grandchild. His dad died 18 years ago and I told him both him and I will be with him in spirit on his wedding day.
This is killing me. I never thought I would ever be in this situation. I have 2 other children who I have a great relationship with. All I know is I want my son back and don’t know how to do that. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about him and want to be a part of his life. I am sick about all this! A.
Please come over to the Web-forum I have created around your issue: http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com
Dear Luise,
I am lost. I have a son who does not hang out with friends, and is 18 and scared to leave the house. He blames me for his life. Thus, his abuse dad and I split in his middle school years, he took over dads role of trying to run me and his agressiveness. He was back and forth in high school living with me and his dads parents who enabled him greatly. I am trying to get him on his own. He has a job now… lies to say what I want to hear. I have had it and gave him 30 days to get his own place or pay me $200 per month. He got mad at me b/c I made him return a $130 watch, when his first check was $180, and he has two more weeks to find someplace to live. He got mad at me and bit me. I left him on the street to ride to the house by himself, because I am not going to deal with a ‘rude” 18 yr old child. He was diagnosed with post stress disorder also, I think it is just because he is scared to leave. BUT, why can’t he treat me like a mom? My man hates the way he is to me also. No one else deals with this!J.
You have done your best. Young adults make choices that bring consequences. I am so sorry that you are up against such stress. The bottom line is you son has to deal with life whether he wants to or not and how he behaves is about him, not you. Please do everything you can for yourself. You matter and deserve so much better than what you are getting. Blessings, Luise
I have been reading these stories because I have almost the same situation. Why is it that so many sons turn on their mothers? It seems you can’t do enough for them and when you can’t do any more, they turn on you like a rabid dog ready to tear you to pieces. Almost everyone here says that they don’t know what they did to deserve the treatment they receive from their sons… maybe they didn’t do anything. Maybe their sons are just selfish, self-absorbed brats who never grew up. Blaming their mothers for what they did or didn’t accomplish in life is how they avoid the responsibility of their own actions or lack thereof. I personally am sick of rotten little boys pretending that everything bad in their lives or everything good that didn’t happen in their lives is because of their mommies. Grow up!
I have an unusual piece of experience that I would like to share with the group in the hope of offering some healing….I have in my possession an email letter written from my son last year, perhaps in some moment of weakness, wherein he lists some of the “good” early childhood memories he holds of me (Mom). In the letter, my son also states he loves me, and that he does not intend to be so distant. Note to all moms reading this: this singular letter stands alone as the only piece of gentle communication I have ever received from him. Aside from this singular letter, my experience has been like that of other moms on this website….I am mocked and hated, disrespected and eliminated. My son does not respond to any of my attempts to connect with him. He has told lies about me to some people, and has denied my very existence on this planet to some others. My son is a capable, competent emerging adult who has treated me with coldness and apathy for the past decade, allowing only very minimal contact. The behavior persists. So my heart is broken, like so many of yours. And yet,…and yet…there is the mysterious matter of a single brief, kindly letter….never again duplicated in thought or action. A letter that I read and reread, hoping to understand how it came to be written in light of the years of other behaviors before and after. So, to all the moms out there whose souls feel trampled….I suggest that there are some elements about our situations that defy comprehension. I wonder if some of our sons have accidentally gotten themselves locked into patterns of behavior that stifle their self-recognition of kernels of love that still exist. M.
Please come over to the Web-forum I have created for those of us working through these issues with adult children. http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com
There is love, undrstanding and support there. Blessings, Luise
Thank you for the invitation, Luise. My son is just 19 years old. During the past decade, I had held out hope that he would mature and accept me once he entered college, but other than the previously described single, kind email to me, his rare communicatons remain as cold and distant as they have been since he chose to live with his father many years ago. Would your “adult children” website be the best-fit recommendation in my case? Do you also manage other websites? I looked at your WiseWomenUnite website, noticing that there were almost 10x the number of member entries on Christmas Day in comparison to today. I almost cried to think of the sadness of that holiday, and of what must also be ahead for me on this continued path of motherhood/isolation. Still, I can see that the purpose of your outreach is to offer healing voices, and I respect your efforts, Luise. So, I will try not to remain negative in my thinking. M.
You’re welcome. Come on over! You don’t have to face this alone. Blessings, Luise http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com
I stumbled across this forum after a google search one night as I tearfully sat and wondered what was wrong with me, that my eldest (19) son with his years of simmering and sometimes bubbling over anger at society in general could erupt so violently…throwing a chair across the room and screaming expletives at me, and then two days later follow it up with such a hateful, sarcastic and verbally abusive email. He ended the message by saying not to contact him ever again. I have endured a lot in my 53 years, but this brought me to my knees. However, I have come to understand this is about him, not me. He’s a high school dropout living on unemployment with his dad. This kid went to private school, played baseball, then wanted to to row on the school crew team…he did well, so we bought him a scull. Yes, he was wrapped in cotton wool because infertility forced me to wait so long for him. I thought I’d cried enough for him before he even entered this world. Hmm…seems the powers that be didn’t agree. He won’t forgive me for divorcing his dad. He doesn’t understand the years of gambling by his dad lost us everything and only when the house was in foreclosure did I file for divorce. I now work two jobs to support my other two children. Ah, so much stuff…we all have our stories. Bottom line: our children are going to be who they choose to be, just as we did before them. Thank you so much for this website, it soothes my soul to read the posts and feel supported. The only thing I feel I can add to all the suggested coping mechanisms is what I’ve held onto to give me hope. And that is: I know several people who’ve lost their children to accidents or illness. Given the choice, I know each of them would rather suffer the pain of the loss of an estranged child than one who is physically lost to this Earth forever, because where there is life there is hope. Wishing peace for us all. S.
Please come over to my Web-forum at http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com where you will find a supportive community of women who know what you are going through because they are experiencing something similar. The circumstances changed but the experience doesn’t. Blessings, Luise
I think it is most about the chromosome, Y and X (for male) How do they intergrat while in the window of oppoutinity of teen. X-Soft and gentel and compassitnated, if we expouse our kid in volentering, compassion, musical, loving pets well enough, Y-male agression, ego, energy (negative),Sex (insane), the culture here, is go go go, beating, beating beating, in the sport game, in the vidio game, in the gf chasing game and in the violent movies, we expousure them too much of such Y-chomosome applifying envirument. I could see how much my son who strugled between the Y and X when he was 16, every monthe, in few day, he will feeling less active, but with much sould sanity, he could be the perfect of perfect, very caring and gentel and thoughtful. Yet then several days later, he could grow out off it, he is feeling overly good, confident, ego, male kind of beating facial expression and cold and rude. Such exchange goes on for about 2 years, seems graduate dominated with more of ego centric and agreesive side, the by product is negative behavior towards me, a loving single mom. Now, he is 19, in college, in his concept, he loves mom as supposted to be, buy me b-day gift, and christmast gift and Mother day gift but in his uncontoaled behavior, he looked hate, dispise, and angrey and punishing me, F words and agner towards me more and more along with his age… So I believed that is failed or defualted imbalance of intergreting. Now I need to catch the tail of the window of oppotunity. No self pity in front of boy, stand up hight, do not the reactive, love from distance and easy. Alwasy show that you are a very cherished and disirable lade for others and highly respect and treasure yourself, it is the time “ME” in the dictionary first in most of the situation as lone. Just layback and let the story and GENEs unfold itself…We already do every thig and have to have faith and give us the big credit for the job done. The rest, is not what we can control. It is abut the gene, the culture and the enviroumental stimulations. L.
My Son hates me…. If you tell someone that they will say no he doesn’t. But yes he does. My Son hates me. How do you live with that pain. I see from this web site that I am not the only one dealing with this nightmare. What did I do wrong, what could I have done differently. My son and I have had conflict for the past fifteen years. I left his father and I am responsible for destroying his childhood. My son is now twenty five is getting married in three weeks. I was originally invited to the wedding and was helping pay for some of it. I was foolish to think that I could ask my son to invite my seven stepdaughter to the church service. Not the dinner, and not the reception, just the church. They are having a NO KIDS wedding. It’s more of a only the kids they want. There is a seven year old flower girl and a six year old ring barer. Our relationship is so fragile that just that one questions has sent him in a rage. He hate me and will not tolerate me any longer. I am fake, manipulative, selfish… I am the worst mother in the world. I am tired of fighting my son, I am tired of apologizing for everything he thinks that I have done or didn’t do or didn’t say right. My son hates me. I feel sorry for him that the carries around so much anger and hate for me but I can see there is nothing I can do. It is what it, My son hate me, is. M.
I commented a few years ago. My son is the one who is HIV+. Things are much, much worse with my son, as I am now partially financially dependent upon him due to illness. I believe much of my illness has to do with the stress my son causes. He is now raving and raving because I am costing him money. I am finally full of anger myself(after 40+ years). He caused it, he can pay for it. I have never in my life blamed others for my difficulties but, his mental abuse has been so extreme and so prolonged that it is obvious that he is actually killing me. If your sons are over 21, please WALK away!! Better yet, RUN! If you don’t, you will shed a million tears and then die. It’s too late for me, but not for you. If you don’t face reality, you will be me in 20,30,40 years. They will not change because they DON’T WANT TO!. The pay-off is too good for them. A.
Bad Thanksgiving. No call from son. Spent day alone.So tired of being hated. I hope all or some of you have had a better day. A.
A. – Come on over to my Web-forum for women who have issues with adult cildren and extended families. There is a lot of caring and sharing going on there. A lot of listening and understanding…and sometimes healing takes place even when things haven’t changed. We are at
http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com Blessings, Luise
Like the rest here, my son hates me….and I am beginning to hate him. He blames me for being a horrid mother…but heaven knows I did my very best…I had a husband who traveled and was not home for many days each month. When he did come home he told me that he would not be the ‘enforcer’ but the ‘good guy.’
My son never, ever listened or obeyed, but ran beserk – especially when he was a teen. I was terrified of being alone with him when his dad was out of town. My son divorced his wife – and I’m sure it had a lot to do with his attitude…He constantly harps I tried ‘control.’… him…Just recently he’s brought up his grandmother in the same light as he sees me. I honestly believe he hates women.
At any rate, I have no guilty feelings. I believe that my son is a very mentally sick individual and I feel sorry for him. He has thrown his family under the bus… C.
The book, The Whipping Boy. Father: Good guy. Mother: Witch A.
Wow, I feel better after reading this.
My Son does not like me either. He is 17 and will be 18 in a little over 30 days. I find my self counting the days and marking them off the calendar like I was counting down a prison term. I am seriously thinking of giving him an eviction notice for his birthday.
I am so very very sad.
He was such a sweet kid. My only one. Had his when I was 30 and that was it. The sun rose and set on hiim. We were buds and did a bunch of stuff together.
Now, I think he would pee on my grave if I died tomorrow.
He has a girlfriend that ran away from home and an alcoholic mother and dropped out of scchool when she was 16. She has bounced around here and there, but all in all she is not a bad person. Very sweet, has a job, works hard etc. But my son thinks that just because I am not working at the moment that I should take her back and forth to work, shopping, to eat, in addition to taking him where he needs to go.(You are not doing anything important, why can’t you take her) He also thinks that she should live here with us!
Oh Ladies, I could go on and on and on, like many of you…..
I just can’t take it anymore. He doesn’t he dictates. He does not appreciate anything. They, against my repeated displeasure, insist on having sex when I am at home and make sure that I hear it. If I say no, then he will start tearing things up. Once he said he would hurt my little dog. In the last few weeks it has escalated to him hurting my in a physical way. Pushing, slamming doors on me, or throwing things at me.
I lost my own Mother just a year ago and between that and this I am ready to end it all. I know for a fact that I don’t deserve this kind of treatment. My heart is broken in so many little pieces I don’t think it can ever go back together.
Yes, I am angry too. My husband has called the police twice. They say if they come here again that they are taking him to jail. I so don’t want to put my child in jail because he is a butt.
I am lost.
He has been kicked outo of school, suspended, and now I can hardly get him to go. He only has 6 months left. A.
A. You are in crisis and this is not the place to get the help you need. Yes, you do deserve so much better. Your son needs to be on his own and learn what life is all about and you probably need to learn the differnece between love and enabling. Both of them are minors as you know and need help of a kind you are unable to offer. (I wouldn’t be able to either,)
Thank you for your reply.
It was so late when I was typing, and reading it now I see where I made many mistakes. My apologies.
I just felt so lost and so alone It has been difficult for us since my Mom passed away so suddenly.
It is clear from your post that you feel that this is not where I should seek comfort. So I will thank you for the opportunity, say good bye and keep counting the days.
I am at 31 now. A.
There is a book titled The Whipping Boy. It’s an old one, but should be available on Amazon. Many of you will think you wrote it. I also plan to read it again. Almost Christmas. My son no longer calls weekly. He managed to start an argument during his last call, which, this time, I was also up for (very unusual for me). I expect the end result to be that he will probably limit his calls to holidays and, maybe my birthday. Incremental abandonment, I guess. He is pushing 50 and is a bitter old man. I’ve mentioned before that my worst crime was divorcing his father. I’m at a point where, if my son didn’t have an illness that may take his life, I would tell him the entire story of my 22 year marriage to the monster he called Dad. Maybe I will write my own book, but probably couldn’t relive the past 47 years. I pray for my child daily and will continue to do so, no matter how he treats me. I’m praying for all of you also and i hope Christmas will be ok for you. A.
I have been reading all the messages here and I know I’m not alone. My son is 36 and has two daughrters. The oldest child (A.) was not planned and she is 15 now. All her life the child has been talked down to. There was never a day that the child was not screemed at calling her stupid, and worse from both parents. But over the last year my grandchild has ask and begged me to help her. I know for a fact that she is being hit in the face by my son. I have called the police and they came out and took pictures of her face and legs. My son called and screemed calling me every thing by human. A. has had such a poor life being molested for a few years by her mothers brother in law. and now because the state I live in has no grandparents wrights, I’m no longer aloud to talk or see her. My son will be going to jail and that makes it worse on A. My daughter in law plans on sending A. to the sisters home to live when my son gos to jail. My so was told by A. by the say that A. is a compulsive lier. The youngest child is 10 now and can do no wrong no matter what it is. My son and his wife, can set a see the youngest one do something wrong when they ask her why she did it S. will say it was because A. told her to do it and they attack A. I just do not know what to do anymore. My son has disowned me and will not talk to me at all. I know this isn’t so much about my son hating me but I just am looking for someone to just hear me. T.
T. You have been heard and I am sending you love and understanding. If you think it would help, please join my Web-forum: http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com so you can relate to a supportive community of woman who had had to face many such difficult times. You don’t have to face this alone. Blessings, Luise