Not wanting to be a parent is not a popular attitude. In an overpopulated world, I can’t imagine why it’s anyone’s business. However, even though you made it clear beforehand…it’s pretty common that spouses think (hope) you will change your mind. You were honest…he wasn’t.

I also wanted to add that neither one of us was married before and no children. The idea of children has come up but I knew from a very young age that I never wanted to give birth–this doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t adopt. My husband would never adopt as he thinks they are “throw-away” kids or “problem” children. I do think he harbors anger at not convincing me of having children. He knows how I felt before we were married. His whole family is about having kids even if they can’t take care of them or themselves! More than half of his family lives on welfare or off of other family members and they think nothing is wrong with it! I grew up in a strict, conservative family and he did not. Thank you for any advice. M.

E-romances can be pretty unrealistic. You build a “you” that doesn’t really exist without knowing that’s what you are doing, and so does the other person. (You are a whole lot more than your thoughts.) Then you think you know each other really well after a year. Not so, as you have found out.

Not having any girlfriends or relationships until your late 20s could leave you pretty naive. That’s OK, you just have a lot of catching up to do. Globe-trotting is great but it’s not “life” for most of us. Life is “same ole/same ole”…you know, partner, job, house and kids. Stuff like that.

You learned a lot the first time around and you are still young enough to find a lady of substance and do well in a second career. Sure it’s scary out there and sure it feels terrible to fail…but you didn’t do it all by yourself…not by a long shot. Blessings, Luise

When he jokes around about things that I think are offensive, or that hurt my feelings, he tells me “that [I] need to get a sense of humor”, “it was just a joke, don’t be so sensitive”, or my favorite “oh, grow up”. These sorts of things have been going on since our honeymoon. I don’t feel like we ever really had a ‘honeymoon’ period. I feel like the glass slowly started to shatter the day after we were married. But I’d always heard that marriage was hard and that it was something that you had to work at, and compromise for. So I’ve stayed for 5 long years, and eventually built up a pretty thick skin.

We conceived our first daughter under mixed circumstances . . . what I mean is, I really wanted to have a baby; he says that I manipulated him into agreeing to get off the pill. Then once I was pregnant, he said that he had never agreed to it, and that this was completely my fault for ruining our lives, and that this was my choice and now he was paying the consequences of it.

Needless to say, he didn’t treat me well during that pregnancy. I gained 50lbs, and received an almost constant stream of remarks (especially in the 8th and 9th months) about how fat I was; and how I complained too much. He has loved his daughter since the day that she was born, and has been nothing but loving towards her. I convinced myself that there was nothing wrong with his behavior, because I was fatter than I had ever been in my life, and did complain more than usual. He is a great dad, and I just hoped that someday he would love me like he loves our precious little girl.

When our first daughter was 16 months old, I found out that I was pregnant again. This time was a complete surprise. I’d been on the pill, and taking it faithfully everyday. My husband again, blamed me for getting myself pregnant. He said things like “you stopped taking your pills and didn’t tell me!”, “I don’t know why I trusted you after you tricked me the first time!” and “Well, I’ll only love this baby if it’s a boy.”

Finding out that I was unexpectedly pregnant, and really didn’t want to be was really hard on me. I was depressed, crying almost every day for at least an hour, and then feeling bad about crying because your supposed to be happy when you get pregnant, overjoyed. My depression lasted through the first 5 months. Then somehow I managed to pull myself together by convincing myself that I would love this baby no matter what, and everything would work out in the end.

Our second baby girl was born, and despite what my husband said, he loved her just as much as the first. My depression hit again, and was complicated by the fact that she was a colicky baby, crying for 4 hour stretches 3-4 times a week. As luck would have it, her crying spells usually occurred in the late morning to early afternoon. By the time my husband came home from work she was a happy, although very sleepy baby. I received no emotional support from him. He was completely unaware of my situation. When I did finally voice my unhappiness, concern, and inner pain, he said that I was exaggerating, and really just needed to get over it.

About 9 months ago, (when our second daughter was 7 months old) he told me that he was falling in love with another girl; some one that he worked with. And we both realized that we had some major issues to work on. I was just barely getting over my depression, and it took all my strength and control not to fall into that horrible black pit again. We made lists, set goals, and would really try for a week or so, then inevitably we would fall back into our old habits.

He introduced me to the girl that he was trying not to fall in love with, and I really believed that if I got to know her, and he could see her in a setting as just a friend, and friends with me, that it would be easier for him to deal with. That was my mistake. And he reinforced that every chance he got. “See, she’s your friend too now, nothing will ever happen. She’s safe now.”

I learned 3 months after his initial confession that he had actually kissed her. And when I pushed him for details, he admitted that he had kissed her extensively and had let her spend the night at our house while I was out of town. But he swore that he hadn’t slept with her, so that really didn’t count as him cheating on me. I didn’t know what to do. He had put me in a really awkward situation. I had really started to become friends with this girl, and I liked hanging out with her. He swore that he was over her, and really didn’t like her as more than a friend, and manipulated me into thinking that he could be trusted with her. “See, we’ve just been friends for 3 months now, nothing has happened since that kiss. It’s fine, you can trust me with her. I’m over it.” He was committed to me, and working out our issues.

Then, just last month, 8 months after he told me he loved her, when I thought things were going really well, it happened again. Only this time he didn’t just stop with a kiss. He slept with her. And once it had happened once, he didn’t see the harm, and did it again and again. He finally confessed to me, a month after his affair began (though I really believe he’d been involved with her for the last 9 months, he just considers an affair to only start once he has slept with someone else).

Even as he was telling me that he was so sorry, and would do anything I asked, he had the audacity to say that this was partly my fault because I let him manipulate me into thinking that he could be trusted with this girl. It was my fault because I wasn’t fulfilling him enough. It was my fault because I didn’t see the warning signs in him, and believed him when he said that he had to be to work early, or come home late. It’s my fault my husband had an affair? I almost believed it. That’s when my rose colored glasses came off, and I really recognized the abuse that has been happening in our marriage for the last 5 years.

So now, I am torn. I know everything that he did was wrong. I realize more each day that he has never treated me well. But he is finally admitting that he needs to change, and to treat me better. He’s finally willing to take the responsibility and own up to the man he is, but I’m feeling like it’s too little, too late. I’m afraid if I stay I’ll get hurt again. He’ll do just enough to make me believe that he can be trusted, and then he’ll betray me again. But I don’t want to break our family. Even as he is trying to change, he’s got me believing that I am the one who is breaking our family. I am scared to leave, and try to be a single mom, but I am also scared to stay. Scared of what I’ll be manipulated into thinking next. Help!

Liz