MomResponds.com: Ask Questions, Get Answers

Comment by Mary Dover

May 26, 2006 @ 3:32 am

I am 33 been married for 11 years and my husband last year started becoming very jealous and controlling. I can’t talk to male are female without him getting jealous and very hurtful with his mouth. The bad thing about it is he says all theses things in front of our 4 childern. He accuses me of screwing around and the list goes on he goes through spells like this. Then stops for 2 days and starts right back in he says he loves me. I’ve told him that’s not love that’s jealousy, controlling, and anger. I know what I have to do and that’s to get away and get my kids away from him. He hasn’t allowed me to work all these years you know. So what do you think?

Comment by Luise

May 29, 2006 @ 10:13 pm

I agree with you that what you and your children are experiencing is abuse…and that you can’t continue to live that way without serious damage to all concerned. The only question I have is about the first ten years. If it was normal, could he be facing a serious medical problem or a psychiatric breakdown of some kind? I think I would tell him that you can’t and won’t continue unless he is willing to undergo medical and psychiatic tests followed by treatment, if indicated. If so, you will see him through it, in the hopes it can be resovlded.

Comment by Bibi

July 4, 2006 @ 9:39 am

Dear Luise,

I’m 32 years old and have been married for 11 years. My husband recently announced he had been having an affair. He has been honest since in telling me as t why he did it and the confusion he is going through. At first I was in a shock since he had never done anything like this before and I can understand some of the reasons as to why he did it. We have some what forgotten to take care of each other. He has eventold me he thought I did not care, that I did not love him. He has advised me that he has strong feelings for this other person and is affraid and confused about what to do. he does not want to loose me and our kids, 6 months girl and 9 year old boy. But at the same time he has these feelings. He says she has been giving him what he could not get from me. We have had conversations about the affair nad have had very hard moments. He does not want to seek any professional help, so I’ve been reading from different websites and suggestions that some experts offer. I just want to know, when this happens and there is still love, how many make it? From my part I’ve been lisening and making adjustments to the way I approch him, making more time for him. My confusion is with his behavior. He still treats my like his wife and has been having intercourse with me and has been looking for me. But in the mean time he still says his confused and still mentions having feeling for this person. He even has a picture of her in his wallet.

Comment by mary dover

July 13, 2006 @ 2:03 pm

i’ve done that all ready,but he tells me that i’m the one with a head problem not him.he seems to think his brother and friends are all trying to get in my pants.we can’t go any where with out him going off on some one because of the way they look at me.i’ve told him this has to stop.but ya.i did have a affair because i was allways being acused of it so i did no i don’t regreat it.because i was attracted to this guy.but now i can’t stop thinking about this guy.every thing was relaxed with him where my husband it’s walking on pins and bitching,yelling all the time.freedom i’ve lost it and trying to find it,because i’m a happy person and don’t like fighting are yelling plus i don’t want are kids thinking thats it’s allright.you know.i can’t even go any where with out him being under my ass.where is my kids and my life without missery?thank you mary dover

Comment by Luise

July 19, 2006 @ 11:20 am

Answer: Dear Bibi: What’s so terribly hard about such a situation is that it’s about him, not you. And he’s the one who has to slog his way through it.I commend you for your patience. Each person who does this probably does it for a different reason. There is newness and infatuation, and that’s a strong pull. There’s the freedom of not having all of the baggage that fulltime life-sharing produces…like illness, bills, family issues, etc. There’s the “I haven’t lost it” syndrome that is confirmed by all of the excitement evidenced in the partner. Marriage takes maturity and work…affairs are fun, (at least at first.) You are doing the one thing that may help, but “may” is the opertive word…you are being supportive, caring and patient. Both of you sound like you are being honest and open. Time will tell. That’s the best of can offer. Blessings, Luise

Comment by Luise

July 19, 2006 @ 11:28 am

Answer: Dear Mary: With what you have written most recently, there seems to be no reason to stay or to try. No one is getting anything from the situation, in fact everyone is being hurt by it. You owe it to yourself and your kids to move on and rebuild your confidence and mental health. Cetainly having an affair just added fuel to the fire. To stay will make all of it eventually seem “normal”, and living in constant abuse is not living at all. Don’t get used to it, leave. There may be happiness ahead for both of you but not together. My take on this is that it’s too late. Blessings, Luise

Comment by Nickie Patrick

November 29, 2006 @ 4:01 pm

I have been married almost 3 years. My husband and I have a one year old daughter. Before we got married he and I had been separated many times. We are currently separated and living 500 miles away from each other. My husband is a GREAT daddy to his little girl. All we do is fight. And we are fighting in front of our daughter. I am so confused and growing farther away from him everyday. Even being 500 miles away we still continue to fight on the phone. I honestly don’t know if I want to be with him anymore. I have suggested marriage and personal counseling but he refuses personal counseling. He said he would try marriage counseling. I am starting to become happy where I am. And without him I feel better about myself and my direction in life. Should I go back to him and try marriage counseling? Or should we stay separated and talk about divorce?

Comment by Luise

December 1, 2006 @ 11:38 pm

Answer: Dear Nickie: I will respond by using your comment as a question. Blessings, Luise

Comment by Dee

December 4, 2006 @ 2:21 pm

Dear Luise, I’m 35 years old with 2 kids. My husband and I have been married for 2 years. I am the third marriage. My husband is a very jealous man. If I say I am going out with the girls, he would say I am going to meet a man. When I am at work, he says men come by to see me and call me on my job. When we were married for 6 months, I discovered him cheating. I just recently discovered he’s been conversing with someone else. He is always accusing me of doing something I’m not. Yes, he takes good care of me and the kids, but for some reason it’s not enough. We went to a club, well, I went along, and he came with his friend. When he came into the club, he did not acknowledge the fact that I was there. My friends were dancing, sitting with there boyfriends/husbands and I was just sitting in the mist of everything. My husband went and asked his cousin to dance, but never asked me. He didn’t even offer to buy me a drink. The owner of the club asked me to dance, and when I said yes, my husband then acknowledge my presence. Things got out of hand and so I left. My husband seem to think that I should have turned the man down, but I think I did not do anything wrong. It was a fast dance. I did not dance, but instead returned to my seat. I find myself wanting to cheat, but I do not. I find myself very unhappy with him. I hate when he touches me or wants sex. I am ready to move on. Please help!

Comment by Luise

December 4, 2006 @ 4:09 pm

Answer: Dear Dee: It’s my guess that you can do a lot better than that. What your husband is doing is suspecting you of being like he is, which isn’t very nice. One thing you can count on, he isn’t going to change. If you want more out of life, move on. Blessings, Luise

Comment by Angela

December 7, 2006 @ 5:29 pm

Hi there, My husband and I have been married for 3.5 years. We have a 2 month old. Since having my son, Alot of the issues i had been pushing down for so long with my husband are surfacing. We are complete opposites and argue about practically everything. I find my self feeling resentful towards him for not being the husband i think he should. I know thats not fair but i cant help it. He doesnt thinking talking about it with a stranger will do any good, So i am taking steps to seek personal therapy. Is there anything else i can do to avoid divorce?
Angela~

Comment by Luise

December 8, 2006 @ 9:15 am

Answer: Dear Angela: I am going to treat your comment as a separate question within the next couple of days.
Blessings, Luise

Comment by Nicole

January 2, 2007 @ 7:37 am

H, My name is Nicole and I been marriage for 8 years. I want to know if my marriage is over we fight a lot. We don’t have anything in common.

Comment by Luise

January 3, 2007 @ 7:57 pm

Answer: Dear Nicole: It’s a very hard thing to face up to when you have obviously picked the wrong person. He may be just great for someone else but the two of you just don’t have it. Life is too short to “give yourself away” like this. You already know that, don’t you? You can stay and be miserable or cut your losses and move on…all the wiser, hopefully. It’s your choice. I’ve been there and done that and I didn’t stay. Blessings, Luise

Comment by Jay

April 10, 2007 @ 8:04 am

I’ve been reading your site and I know not many men post here but I feel i need some input and your words seem to be true. My wife and I have been married for almost 3 years now we have a 1 year old daughter. a year into the marriage my wife had a work stress induced mental break down and quit her job subsequently she developed an unhealthy hatred for my mother with whom i have a strong bond. she is constantly jealous of my relationship with my mother and feels inadiquate. On top of all of this our financial situation was such that we needed two incomes to survive but she refused to get a job after she leveled off from her breakdown and I was forced to go into bankruptcy to salvage our family and still be able to put food on the table and buy diapers for the baby and formula. I love my wife, and yes we had a rough time when our daughter was born she had a brush with death and it was touch and go the first week of her life but now she’s healthy and happy 1 year old girl and I know that that had an affect on my wife that I will never understand. Now we live in seperate locations she didn’t want to relocate with me when my job moved and now she and my daughter live 100 miles away with her grandmother and I live alone in the city. She and I both talked things over and agreed that she should live with her grandmother untill she was capable of dealing with things better but recently she has gotten worse and when I come to visit we fight a lot and she threatens suicide to get my attention but Im not ignoring her…I dont understand what I need to do to make this work or if I need to let her go so she can rebuild her life on her own? everytime i try to help we just argue. I mean she knew that my parents are an important part of my life and that my family means a lot to me. So what do I do? she has mentioned couples counseling and I agreed to go but she has yet to arrange it.

Comment by Luise

April 22, 2007 @ 7:13 am

Answer: Dear Jay: I am going to treat your comment as a new question. Blessings, Luise

Comment by Leigh

August 28, 2007 @ 12:14 pm

Luise -
I’ve been married almost 17 years to my high school sweetheart. In that time, I have lost a great deal of weight, began and completed a college education, and secured a good job with a great deal of responsibility. I feel I’ve grown (come into my own) and I feel the best about myself I ever have. I feel it’s especially important to be a good role model to my 2 daughters. The trouble is, he hasn’t grown and he views my growth as being ‘money hungry’ and me ‘thinking I’m better than everyone’. He does little to contribute to the household financially (he spends his money on fun stuff); he is gone a great deal; and he isn’t what I consider ‘father material’ to our two children. He seems to aruge with our teenage about everything and seems jealous of her - like he’s competing with her for my attention. She even requests to spend time with him but he doesn’t. The very things that attracted me to him in the beginning (he was fun, flirty, always had fun, and didn’t care what people thought of him) are the very things that are driving me crazy now. He is completely irresponsible with money, he doesn’t pick up after himself, he takes no pride in our home. If any home improvements get done, it’s because I either do them myself or convince him to help once I start. He does no planning for the future and always says ‘things will work out’. The last straw was two years ago when he took out a loan to buy a snowmobile with no prior discussion. In fact, I didn’t know he bought it until he brought it home - although his friends knew and had gone to see it with him. He told me he should have said something, but he knew I’d say no. This was a slap in the face and I began to see him through new eyes. I have talked, calmly, to him about all these things, but nothing is ever resolved. In fact, his usual response to all my questions is ‘I don’t know.’ Typically, by the end of the conversation, he falls into a pity party: ‘I’m no good, I’m a bad husband, I’m a bad father, I’ve ruined everything, It’s all my fault’. I used to comfort him at that point, but I quit. He’s like a bottomless pit of no self esteem. I don’t want to hurt him, he’s a good guy, he just doesn’t seem to get it. He’s not meeting my needs, he dosn’t seem to care about my feelings, he does things he knows are going to upset me, and his double standards, with flirting with others for example, is driving me crazy. We still have a good time when it’s time to party, but anything serious (finances, parentings, future, etc.) seems to be a lost cause. I’ve all but given up - I need a break - I’m tired. I’ve always joked about being a single mother with 3 kids, but now I truly feel that way. I don’t want another man but if that changes someday - I want a partner. I started going to counseling by myself because he wouldn’t go. Then he said he’d go with me, because I have the issues (he won’t go alone because he doesn’t have any), if I set the appointments and pay for them. Please say something wise to help me…

Comment by Luise

August 28, 2007 @ 3:17 pm

Answer: Dear Leigh; We marry, most of us, when we’re young and there’s never any guarantee that we will grow at the same pace, in the same direction or at all. Two kids having fun and deciding to get married may not look at all like that a decade or two later. What you do about it is up to you. It’s clear that your guy is committed to not growing up. Isn’t it pretty handy to be able to explain it with low self-esteem? Some spouses pick up and leave and some endure. Only you can decide which catagory you belong to. Neither course is easy. I chose to leave when I faced unbearable, (to me), incompatibility after 18 years. There have been times when I wish I hadn’t but I know I would make the same choice again. I feel that my life matters. That I matter. And that I am responsible to give it my best shot. In my book, how that looks is not sacraficing it on the alter of another person’s incompetency. Blessings, Luise

Comment by Liz

September 18, 2007 @ 9:01 am

Luise,
Hi, I’ve been married to my husband for 13 years and we had a bad start. We lived together for a year before we got married and while we were living together he cheated on me. Like a fool I married him anyway. I still have resentment over what he did.
We have 2 children together. He’s hard working and always home when not at work.
The problem is that I feel I have almost no sex life with him. I don’t feel loved and I feel he ignores me. he also doesn’t do any repairs on the house unless I really get on his case. he spends all his free time playing computer games and I feel so lonely with him. I’m starting to question if I even love him anymore.
I’ve felt lonely with him throughout most the marriage. When I try to talk to him it’s like talking to a brrick wall. We fight if I bring anything up. I’ve also been very attracted to other men during our marriage, I haven’t had an affair but am considering one because I’m so unfullfilled. I have told him how unhappy I am and why but it falls upon deaf ears. IO’ve mentioned counsiling but he says we can’t afford it. He’s oblivious to all our problems and prefers to ignore serious issues. I feel like I’m beating my head against the wall to be heard and understood.
Should I just leave him?

Liz

Comment by Luise

September 24, 2007 @ 8:39 am

Answer: Dear Liz: It is so hard to wake up and realize you are in a dead-end relationship. Or maybe, it came on gradually. Your husband is being the kind of husband and father he learned to be from role models of old. He doesn’t want to hear about your needs or doubts, it’s not part of the bargain, to his way of thinking. What you do about it is up to you. Some stay…some go…and some cheat. If you look back, very carefully, he probably never led you to believe he was any different than he is. You probably just assumed he would mature, mellow and deepen. It’s not going to happen. You can’t ask for what he’s not interested in and probably can’t even understand, much less give to you. And yet you have rights and needs. You have a life. What you do about all of that depends on your own upbringing and ethics. A lot of abused women would give anything to have your guy, yet neglect is also a subtel kind of abuse. I would suggest you budget counseling for yourself. You need an advocate and someone who will listen and advise. Blessings, Luise

Comment by Tiff

February 14, 2008 @ 2:38 pm

Luise — My husband and I have been married for 5 years. I feel that he can be verbally abusive, and manipulative. He comes home from work unhappy a lot of the time, and when I question him about it he says it’s because the house isn’t clean enough, or he’s really hungry and I didn’t have dinner ready on time. I feel like I’ve been taking the blame for anything that goes wrong in his life ever since we got married.

When he jokes around about things that I think are offensive, or that hurt my feelings, he tells me “that [I] need to get a sense of humor”, “it was just a joke, don’t be so sensitive”, or my favorite “oh, grow up”. These sorts of things have been going on since our honeymoon. I don’t feel like we ever really had a ‘honeymoon’ period. I feel like the glass slowly started to shatter the day after we were married. But I’d always heard that marriage was hard and that it was something that you had to work at, and compromise for. So I’ve stayed for 5 long years, and eventually built up a pretty thick skin.

We conceived our first daughter under mixed circumstances . . . what I mean is, I really wanted to have a baby; he says that I manipulated him into agreeing to get off the pill. Then once I was pregnant, he said that he had never agreed to it, and that this was completely my fault for ruining our lives, and that this was my choice and now he was paying the consequences of it.

Needless to say, he didn’t treat me well during that pregnancy. I gained 50lbs, and received an almost constant stream of remarks (especially in the 8th and 9th months) about how fat I was; and how I complained too much. He has loved his daughter since the day that she was born, and has been nothing but loving towards her. I convinced myself that there was nothing wrong with his behavior, because I was fatter than I had ever been in my life, and did complain more than usual. He is a great dad, and I just hoped that someday he would love me like he loves our precious little girl.

When our first daughter was 16 months old, I found out that I was pregnant again. This time was a complete surprise. I’d been on the pill, and taking it faithfully everyday. My husband again, blamed me for getting myself pregnant. He said things like “you stopped taking your pills and didn’t tell me!”, “I don’t know why I trusted you after you tricked me the first time!” and “Well, I’ll only love this baby if it’s a boy.”

Finding out that I was unexpectedly pregnant, and really didn’t want to be was really hard on me. I was depressed, crying almost every day for at least an hour, and then feeling bad about crying because your supposed to be happy when you get pregnant, overjoyed. My depression lasted through the first 5 months. Then somehow I managed to pull myself together by convincing myself that I would love this baby no matter what, and everything would work out in the end.

Our second baby girl was born, and despite what my husband said, he loved her just as much as the first. My depression hit again, and was complicated by the fact that she was a colicky baby, crying for 4 hour stretches 3-4 times a week. As luck would have it, her crying spells usually occurred in the late morning to early afternoon. By the time my husband came home from work she was a happy, although very sleepy baby. I received no emotional support from him. He was completely unaware of my situation. When I did finally voice my unhappiness, concern, and inner pain, he said that I was exaggerating, and really just needed to get over it.

About 9 months ago, (when our second daughter was 7 months old) he told me that he was falling in love with another girl; some one that he worked with. And we both realized that we had some major issues to work on. I was just barely getting over my depression, and it took all my strength and control not to fall into that horrible black pit again. We made lists, set goals, and would really try for a week or so, then inevitably we would fall back into our old habits.

He introduced me to the girl that he was trying not to fall in love with, and I really believed that if I got to know her, and he could see her in a setting as just a friend, and friends with me, that it would be easier for him to deal with. That was my mistake. And he reinforced that every chance he got. “See, she’s your friend too now, nothing will ever happen. She’s safe now.”

I learned 3 months after his initial confession that he had actually kissed her. And when I pushed him for details, he admitted that he had kissed her extensively and had let her spend the night at our house while I was out of town. But he swore that he hadn’t slept with her, so that really didn’t count as him cheating on me. I didn’t know what to do. He had put me in a really awkward situation. I had really started to become friends with this girl, and I liked hanging out with her. He swore that he was over her, and really didn’t like her as more than a friend, and manipulated me into thinking that he could be trusted with her. “See, we’ve just been friends for 3 months now, nothing has happened since that kiss. It’s fine, you can trust me with her. I’m over it.” He was committed to me, and working out our issues.

Then, just last month, 8 months after he told me he loved her, when I thought things were going really well, it happened again. Only this time he didn’t just stop with a kiss. He slept with her. And once it had happened once, he didn’t see the harm, and did it again and again. He finally confessed to me, a month after his affair began (though I really believe he’d been involved with her for the last 9 months, he just considers an affair to only start once he has slept with someone else).

Even as he was telling me that he was so sorry, and would do anything I asked, he had the audacity to say that this was partly my fault because I let him manipulate me into thinking that he could be trusted with this girl. It was my fault because I wasn’t fulfilling him enough. It was my fault because I didn’t see the warning signs in him, and believed him when he said that he had to be to work early, or come home late. It’s my fault my husband had an affair? I almost believed it. That’s when my rose colored glasses came off, and I really recognized the abuse that has been happening in our marriage for the last 5 years.

So now, I am torn. I know everything that he did was wrong. I realize more each day that he has never treated me well. But he is finally admitting that he needs to change, and to treat me better. He’s finally willing to take the responsibility and own up to the man he is, but I’m feeling like it’s too little, too late. I’m afraid if I stay I’ll get hurt again. He’ll do just enough to make me believe that he can be trusted, and then he’ll betray me again. But I don’t want to break our family. Even as he is trying to change, he’s got me believing that I am the one who is breaking our family. I am scared to leave, and try to be a single mom, but I am also scared to stay. Scared of what I’ll be manipulated into thinking next. Help!

Comment by Luise

February 14, 2008 @ 4:04 pm

Answer: Dear T.: I wouldn’t want him but that’s just me. If you can face having a full-grown baby to deal with on a regular basis, then stay. If not, being a single mom may be the better deal. Lots of peole don’t agree with me but I think it’s up to you…how your life turns out. Blessings, Luise

Comment by Rachel

March 28, 2008 @ 6:56 pm

Dear T. Please, please run as fast as you can away from this man. You cant let your daughters grow up thinking this is how marriage is. That man is selfish, and extremly self centered. The situation that you discribe could be me and my first marriage. Almost to a T. Except I stayed for 18 years. And yes my ex “blamed” me for breaking up our family. But my girls blame me for not leaving sooner. He had numerious affairs including one just like you describe except I didnt know they were sleeping together. He blamed me for them. I wasnt there for him, I allowed him too much freedom, I wasnt like the porn stars bla bla bla. He was emotionally abusive to me and the girls and physically abusive at the end. Please, Please get yourself out of there now and dont look back!

Comment by Luise

March 28, 2008 @ 7:01 pm

Well put, R.! Blessings, Luise