I’m In Prison Without a Trial

Question: Dear Luise: Hey, im 14 yearold boy and a freshman in Highschool. When i was a younger child 6-10 my mom let me go places and spent the night at friends houses and whatever and it was fun. I traveled to Chicago from where i lvie with my friends dad and she was fien with that only meetign him a few times. Well now im 14 i have MANY friends and i live on the outer skirts of a city on a highway. Due to the highway which isnt even big(1 lane highway that streches about a mile or 2 untill there is almost no traffic on city roads) in other words she will not let me ride a bike, walk, ride in a car with friends or even brother or sisters. Yet my friend rides his bike by himself down it and walks here frequently. My mother will not let me go to a beach with a group of friends even if the beach is full and its a public beach so there is no seaweed. She wants a parent there watching us so we dont drown which we dont even swim half of the time we just get some sun and walk around. When i asked to ride bikes with a friend around the lake where there is like NO traffic you might see 1 or 2 cars the entire ride she said is there going to be a parent riding with you? Once again i am 14 years old 15 in about 6 months. I have NEVER been in trouble my entire life. I may have gotton a detention or 2 for not doing homework but no behavior things ever. Yet, i literally did 3-4 things with friends over my entire summer break. My father came around when i was 4 years old and has been here ever since, but my mom NEVER ever ever lets him make a decesion because “she went through all the pain he didnt”. So i am forced to only go through my mom because if i try to talk to my dad about things he gets screamed at for going behind her back when he isnt. In general i cannot go ANYWHERE or do ANYTHING i i really mean it unless my mom is right there with me. She thinks going to the movies with her and my girlfriend is “fun”. It has been like this all summer and i really really want to do things with friends and i almost feel like i am losing friends because i can never do anything or hang out with them like other normal kids my age. How do i go about getting this fixed? I literally beg my mom to go to family counseling cause this over protectiveness brings fights in our family but she reuses and says she is just being a good mom, so i am forced to go to virtual advice which i think is sad but kinda the last resort S.

Answer: Dear S.: We may have a virtual connection with each other but it isn’t virtual advice. I’m a real person, sitting at my computer, sincerely concerned about your dilemma.

I can’t tell you how many teenagers write to me about the same situation, both boys and girls. The details are different but the dynamics are the same. They might as well be in prison…literally. And they never did anything seriously wrong.

Someday a psychiatric diagnosis called “Anxiety Over Teenage Children Situational Reaction” or something similar is going to surface to reflect the acute anxiety you see playing out at home. Mothers read about young drug addicts, kids who are sexually active contracting STDs, kids compromised by pedophiles, rampant teenage alcoholism leading to crime and suicide (stuff kids 6 – 10 usually don’t do) and they vow, “Not my child! No!” Their anxiety is all consuming and they take on the world to protect their kids.

What happens is it becomes a parental illness, an actual obsession, (sometimes just involving one of their children.) It hurts the kids terribly after obviously driving their mothers nuts. I’m serious. It keeps their maturing children from having the normal experience of making the choices that prepare them for adulthood. Many run away from home and die on the streets experiencing what their mothers feared most.

There is no way that I am aware of to circumvent it. You have to endure the abuse to survive. That’s what it is, overt abuse that is called love. The day will come after your mother has totally trashed your high school years, when you will be able to move out and move on. It’s brutal but it doesn’t last forever and when you escape from prison you can put yourself back together. In the meantime, hang in there. Do the best you can to not take her on because that will make everything worse…and count the days, until it’s over.

Adversity can wipe you out or build strength. From the sound of your inquiry, I would bet on the latter. However, you deserve a whole lot better. Blessings, Luise